justneedtogetoutofmyhead-blog

[justneedtogetoutofmyhead-blog]

Depression

Hi, I’m new to this. I have severe depression and anxiety and I just need a place to put all of these thoughts that are running through my head. Maybe if I write them down they won’t seem so scary. 

I have decided to go off of my depression meds. I have jumped on the CBD Oil bandwagon and I had hoped that it would be this miracle cure for all that ails me. I WAS WRONG!!! I suffer from chronic pain, nothing helps and doctors could give two shits about me.

 I feel like most people could give two shits about me. I try to tell myself that people do care about me, that this feeling of isolation is just in my head. But then I look around me, the only things that I see are my dogs. They care, they show me how much I am loved by them everyday. I don’t get that from the people in my life. The only time anyone calls or texts is when they need something. I have one real true friend and she lives two hours away. She has small children and a life of her own so I don’t want to burden her with all of my screwed up shit.

I figure people have enough problems of their own, so I don’t want to worry them with mine. I have a big family, three sisters, both parents, and many nieces and nephews. I’m close with my dad, me and my mom ehhh... All three of my sisters are bat shit crazy, I have enough crazy of my own if you know what I mean.

I try to craft and sew and create things, but there again my brain steps in and says nope. These things are sub-par, no one will buy them. Everything is crap, I know what the looks I get from my husband and kids mean: “Just tell her it’s nice, placate her, it makes her happy let her do it.” Well you know what, it used to make me happy. It was my get away, but people’s reactions have started getting in my head. Maybe my things are crap, am I just kidding myself thinking that someone would want to buy anything that I make? I should just stop, give up, keep the house clean, the yard mowed, and my husband happy and not worry about my own happiness.

I am disabled, my spine is starting to resemble old moldy cheese. There’s not a lot I can do anymore. This is so hard for me to accept. You see, I was a very strong, hardworking, smart, and courageous individual. Then my spine decided it was done holding my fat ass up. To go from superwoman to jello in just a year was so damn hard for me. Everyone says oh you get to retire early, take it easy and live the good life. Not so, no work = no money, no money means going hungry, staying one step ahead of the repo man and feeling like crap because you have to depend on your spouse for every little thing you need. Coming from a VERY independent woman that sucks so bad. 

Then the feeling of having to hold all of this shit in because depression, tears, stress, anxiety, and worry makes people uncomfortable. I already feel as if I’m a burden to everyone so It’s a suck it up buttercup situation. Don’t let them see the tears, shaking hands, nervous fidgeting. Go hide in the shower to cover the sound of your sobbing. When your husband asks if your down, do you have the blahs, I say “no, I’m just tired.”  Because of the condescending tone of his voice, because you feel like you’re being made fun of, because you can’t show weakness.  

You try to work up the courage to make everything better. But then you feel bad about that because it would cause your family trouble. So you continue to suffer in silence. You force yourself out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other, to take a shower, brush your teeth, remember to eat something because if not your blood sugar drops, to take your meds, your insulin, and put on a happy face because damn it, that is what society expects of you. 

                                                                                Signed,  

                                                                                     So Damn Tired