jodoiskey-blog

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Loneliness

Loneliness is not about if you’re alone, if you’re not surrounded by people, if you don’t have company 

Loneliness is the moment that you realize those who used to understand you the best are not like that anymore  

And Im experiencing this biting cold right now, ever, in my life 

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Her untold story

Day seemed to be far away sweet memories knocked my door for the first time i smiled, instead of feeling loss 感谢那是你 牵过我的手 而我还是懂事到最后

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Her untold story

Day uncountable He came to my dream But I can't even picture his face Don't let memory haunt you even longer than the memory itself

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Wearing red when weather's too gloomy and nah I was busy taking pics of wind when this was captured by dear yy #摆拍不如抓拍 #beforethunderstorm #girlinred #sotouristy (at The White House)

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLf9q36UsBk)

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Taste: semi-sweet, smooth Cheese paring: Midnight Moon - Cypress Grove

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Be kind to yourself in the year ahead. Remember to forgive yourself, and to forgive others. It’s too easy to be outraged these days, so much harder to change things, to reach out, to understand. Try to make your time matter: minutes and hours and days and weeks can blow away like dead leaves, with nothing to show but time you spent not quite ever doing things, or time you spent waiting to begin. Meet new people and talk to them. Make new things and show them to people who might enjoy them. Hug too much. Smile too much. And, when you can, love.

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2014/12/new-years-wishes-and-gifts.html

This is from Last Year. It’s the one that doesn’t get passed around as much.

(via neil-gaiman)

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Her untold story - when cares

Day 5

Running in the rain, wine knowledge chat, late night food were all pretty good remedies for a breakup.

While doing all those, I still have the moments like..

“Ohhh that’s the place he showed me when we skyped last time! I know I’ve been here before but  just didn’t know it’s called Spanish Steps! Lemme text him......”

“You know what Tony? You should really talk to J about those different types of grapes in wineries......”

“Tinkers? Ah that book......”

“Such a cute design of these travel pack bags! J travels a lot he’ll like it! ......”

I still saw his face, heard his voice, and had so many ‘what if’s coming across my mind. 

I have no shame to admit that I used to feel so deeply. But for the first time, I realize it doesn’t feel right to always care somebody else before myself

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Her untold story - game changer

Day 4

Josie sent me this today - 

Well I cried again when watched this

But meanwhile I started to lift my head up from tears and realize: how much do I want the pain to stay?

I guess I’ve already made progress in letting the sadness flow out. Now I feel the need to make a plan and help myself to release and rebuild. 

Im allowing myself to do things that Im usually restricted to - 

-I can just cry without holding it back

-I can spend rest of the break on movies, tv series, talk shows as much as I want without feeling guilty of not doing work

-I can have late night food and lotta drinks (Hmmm... seems that I’ve done that a lot no matter what...

-Probably try smoking as I feel real bad?

...

Ughhhh that’s it? Can’t even think of anything else?

Maybe I’ve been a good girl for too long lol

Try those things to keep myself busy when I feel down - 

-Lego

-Painting

-Cooking

-Getting cute stuff to make myself and my place look good, no, look even better

Meanwhile I also ask myself to do the following on a regular basis - 

-Start this tumblr to practice how to express myself better

-Pole dancing and yoga sculpt 

-Morning run

-Start a new reading list

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Her untold story - memories everywhere

Day 3

My mood was up for my first pole dancing tryout, all the way till I walked back to AdMo from 14th street.

Our neighborhood. All the spots we’ve hung around. Those talks and laughs.

EVERYWHERE

Even, my heart pumped twice in a second when suddenly saw a guy who looked like him from the back, ironically, at the crossings where he first held me around my waist, and even more ironically, who eventually walked into his apartment building.

Has anyone ever died because pain?

Every inch of my skin should be celebrating that I finally made a wise decision to break up with him, while everything else beneath is burning

I know I’ll be ok one day

But I don’t really know how to survive until that day

Im like a drowning swimmer, being panic, almost can’t control myself to reach my hand out to him and beg for help

Wait

What do I hope to get then?

His sympathy??

NO I WANT HIS EVERYTHING - RESPECT, CARE, LOVE - EXCEPT USELESS SYMPATHY 

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Her untold story - cried like a dog

Day 2

What I concerned the most happened, and happened faster than I expected.

As if I was hit by something heavy yet blunt yesterday, I began to experience harder pain more frequent on day 2.

I sat in silence for hours to watch the clock tick-tack

I felt somewhere inside was silently broken

Fortunately, Amy came into the way to feed me before I starved to death without even noticing it. I tried hard to pull myself together, still looked ok on the way to her place, until I heard that song from radio - 淘汰 by Eason Chen.

Every sentence, every phrase, and even every single word of the lyrics was singing the story of me and him, of J and J. 

That depression of powerless tore me

I cannot control tears any further. And I began to cry while driving and eventually parked along side the road so that I can cry louder, as if there was nobody’s noticing, watching, listening, caring, as there was only me existed in the whole world so I didn’t need to concern anything but cry as much as I wished.

I didn’t even remember when was the last time that I cried till can’t breathe 

It felt much better afterwards 

I’ve been so good at hiding my feelings and emotions. Thanks to this song and my little v, so that I can just be me in the moment

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Her untold story - Day 1

Day 1, two days after Christmas, SUNday, @Dupont Fountain

“Im tired. Lets break up.”

It was Christmas time, yet surprisingly warm. Everything else in Dupont Circle seemed blurry to me, except the sense to drive that tumbling body machine away, away from him along with that fountain, away from his response and explanation, away from all the possibilities to work our thing through rationally, until those wild motorcycle riders blocked me from crossing street.

I paused for the first time, after letting the bad mood and period hormone control me for the whole day.  

I thought leaving right away looked cooler

I thought I finally was able to yell out all those accumulated dissatisfactions      

I thought I would feel so released

But I didn’t feel anything

I was extremely calm. And yes, Im always like that when something real bad first comes. I know my self-protection system started to function again after a long while and the defense fence was gradually rising. 

Wait. What?

I was quite happy that ive finally been able to put that stupid fence down, at least in front of him. 

This thought came in hours later and hit me badly. 

He disarmed me, by teaching me to trust him. But now, he gave up trying when I finally can put my fence down and open up myself to him?

The numb calm collapsed. I felt pain, and finally cried for seconds, quietly.