itskindafuckedlol-blog

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

Friday, August 2, 2019 10:30am:

I know that my mom is worried about me right now though. The last couple days I was so drugged up that I was even walking weird my joints were all weird.

Truth be told, you know those disabled kids or mentally handicapped kids who can’t like move properly or hold their limbs without them sticking a certain way like that is literally how I looked.

That’s another reason I didn’t want him to see me that day at the library. I actually looked like I was handicapped. That’s how bad it has been. 

But I also kind of wish he had just come into my car anyways and just held me.

My mom noticed and I’ve just been trying to hide it. I know she cares.

After reading the Toxic Parents book which i still haven’t finished actually like I probably hold a lot of unsaid anger against her. The parent that allowed everything to happen. But it isn’t her fault. She has so many problems too. 

He just called me but I said I was okay I don’t want him leaving the party nah thats so annoying like he should be having a good time.

idk its like i don’t even need dates i don’t need to go out. i just want someone to talk to 

we don’t need to go to fancy dinners i just want to be able to connect with him or something idk i don’t want to feel so bad

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

tired and sad lol.

Friday, August 2, 2019 at 10PM:

I just slept all day yesterday all day today. I grabbed a coffee right now. 

I’ve been feeling pretty sad all day. I went yesterday to my doctor to get a note for missing my exam. She was very serious with me and appropriately so.

I could have died. From the way that I’ve been taking my medications. 

I’ve told myself I’m not going to take Adderall again. Idk if that’s wrong or right to do. I feel really messed up right now just really sad.

I feel like I have no one.

My love was fighting with me that day at the library. Not fighting but he did bring up concerns about how he doesn’t want to hang out with me because it seems like I’m escaping from my responsibilities. And yeah that has been true at times I can see myself wanting to do that.

But idk I just want a friend I want someone I can be able to talk to about this stuff. I just want someone who will understand. I need someone to be there for me to tell me that it’s okay. Right now honestly I just need a hug. 

I don’t think I’ve gotten one from my family since I was a kid. After I got beat sometimes my dad would then come hug me and tell me not to be so bad. 

I don’t want to be needy. 

And now, you know he’s got this great job this great life he’s having so much fun with people. And I don’t want to be a downer. That’s what I feel like.

And I do also think that he’s uncomfortable talking about anything serious with me. Everytime I do I can hear it in his response, he doesn’t want to go into it, he wants to say well fuck that don’t worry about it. It’s like he doesn’t even want to know.

And honestly, it has become that I don’t want to tell him either. He’s just having such a good time and me telling him this is just going to make him upset. 

I also think that we might break up soon. He said “I don’t know if you dating me is helping you or not.”

Idk if it is either. If I’m being really honest, like. I barely talk about how I feel with him. It’s only when it gets really bad. And even then I kind of feel like I’m being yelled at so I don’t want to. 

I’m all alone. 

It hasn’t been the first time that I’ve been in a really bad state and he has just left. I was having a panic attack one time in his car a really bad one. I wanted to kill myself. He left because he had to go play basketball with his friends. At the library I couldn’t even get out of my car because I was having such bad tics. And instead of making some time to spend maybe the day after with me he went out yesterday with his boss and got drunk and partied. 

It’s not his job to make me feel better. I think he said that today. I can’t remember.

I was telling him how I’m going to call in sick to work today and I asked him if I should do it. He said it’s not my job to tell you.

I just need some help. I don’t feel okay right now. 

He motivates me he loves me he sees the potential in me, he knows I’m amazing and he can’t understand why I’m like this. And when I explain, like it’s very hard to explain too but I don’t think he wants to hear it. 

At the end of the day it is my problem. And I have to fix it. 

I’m just scared that I won’t be able to do it. I’m feeling very low right now. I’m scared that I can’t even make an effort. 

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

Thursday, August 1, 2019

I feel so tired. So kay no i need nap

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

Late night no sleep heavily drugged up with a multitude of prescription pills, each designed for opposite purposes, none designed to be consumed at such frequency and fucktardedness rant/introspection:

Face the reality characteristics of who you are right now. You have a serious pill addiction. You are experiencing serious tics so bad you can’t even go outside your room like what the fuck you are having consistent tongue spasms for the first time in your life you are literally fucking up your nervous cells.. You haven’t been treating your love fairly. Because whether done unconsciously or not, you are at least now conscious that there have been times when you have projected intensified disappointment and anger about cancelled plans or lack therof because you were needing something more than you were asking for. I know for a fact not every time and not a majority. But I can also see that it may have become a rising trend these past few months when I’ve really been lost.

Yes. You are lost. And you need more support. So just straight up ask for it. Let at least one of your only 3 friends know lol. that you’ve been feeling pretty alone and have been struggling a little more than usual to stop feeling bad.

I do feel very alone. Saying that, out loud on the phone today, about always being alone even while I was a kid really struck me, ever since I was born probably, lol probably metaphorically, but sadly and realistically probably not too long afterwards, either. I never realized how true that was until I heard the words come out of my mouth. There’s probably. No. Be honest with yourself. There is a lot of pain that I hold inside me that I’ve never been able to express. Since I was a child, if I really think back on it now it was doubly stressful because I would initially get in trouble and then beat. And then I’d get beat if I didn’t stop crying after the beating was over. Like that was legit just one small example off the top of my head. #itskindafuckedlol

Gahd. I know that if I truly want to change. NO. Bitch be fucking real.

I need to save my life and I need to start peeling back the onion of all these issues. Yes, I did learn that I can’t do certain therapy or analysis on certain items in my life. I’m gnna have to work with S to figure that out. She would probably be the best person to guide me through what is okay to begin with. S is my amazing psychotherapist who I wish was my best friend which is sad but fuck you I am literally “The Very Best of Kristen Bell: Episode 1″ don’t judge me she’s really cool. My point is, that pretty unexpectedly though, these recently new, tiny, acknowledgments about my traumas have actually allowed me to be more compassionate with myself when I am really struggling. I do feel a sense of wonder and pride at my nature despite how I have lived. Feeling this way actually, honestly makes me feel a little guilty about myself, like being a good person should not be about any reward. But I think that I truly just feel good being good to others and yeah that’s a pretty awesome way to be that’s just a fucking fact so own it bitch. Be real. There are not many people who are like that. Honestly , God, there are okay seem to be a lot of fucking assholes and just fucking bad people. People who will probably never even comprehend that definition relating any way to themselves because they’ve got their own head shoved so far up their ass. People, the worst people of all, who cause others pain because of their own issues. I think that there are probably a lot of these people in this world because cmon, I kind of see that shit in every person I meet nowadays. That chick actually marrying some fat asshole for money? Like that’s just something that happens in movies to me like who the fuck would do that. It’s an instinctive truth that it won’t make you happy. ITS IN THE MOVIES! Wow okay I’m so fucked rn loooool.

Maybe it is in a way selfish? Maybe it’s how I am able to give compassion to myself in a kind of roundabout way by providing it to others. It’s just that, like when I tell you I’ve felt pain - I have truly felt everything to the core. Everything about it is horrible. I hate it. Why the fuck would I ever want someone else to experience what I went through? S had once commented that I’m very conscientious. Oh shit I just googlwd the definition ahw omg I freaking love her. I always defined it as just beinf aware of your impact on your surroundings or something, but apparently it also means “ OR WORSE, be the fucking cause of someone experiencing anything bad. idk like I fucking know what it’s like to feel alone lol more than anything, to not have anyone to talk to, to not have anyone include you, and if I can take that experience away from you I feel like I’ve changed the pattern somehow? Cuz the fucking trend of this world is usually always just towards more bad shit? Okay

I need to sleep now probs yeah lol wow I’ve been listening to this weird app music for a while now I think this shit actually does help ease anxieties. its called music zen lol in case some soul ever stumbled upon this 

I gotta start doing the lame shit too or at least try it. I gotta be serious this time.

Okay goodnight I love you muah muah kiss kiss nini time

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

It’s really weird but I still feel weird writing anything bad about my family here. I feel guilty. Even though 25 I thought this could be something maybe someone else could read, relate to and find help from, idk its weird. 

I think it’s probably because me and my parents are okay right now. I don’t see them very often, and I probably only speak to my dad for 20 mins in the whole day when he comes home and before bed, so we’re on good terms. I helped my mom make daal today. Made that shit all by myself. Only fucked up a little but it still tasted awesome. 

If I’m being honest like it really only took an hour or so and it wasn’t that big of a deal to make. I think sometimes I might just act like a cunt if I’m gnna get super real with myself here. My mom works really hard, and she has a lot on her fucking plate too. Maybe even more than me, because I’m better equipped to deal with my bullshit or should be at least. 

Me helping her out for an hour isn’t going to kill me. I’m fucking 24 and live rent free, with free meals, free car, free gas, sometimes free clothes even. So I honestly should be grateful. A lot of children wow lol I’m pretty much an adult haha okay I guess I am ugh okay I’m not but what I’m saying is a lot of people don’t have it this good. So I should be grateful for what I have, and I should do my part to appreciate and thank them for it. 

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

The Chair. The Ceviche. The Clash. The Camp.

Monday, July 15, 2019

Spent the day with my love. Had a bit of a tiff at the end. But, he’s trying. And I do appreciate that. He made time for me, a lot of time and I’m glad for the change. 

My week has been really up and down. I know at the beginning of this week i felt really down but still hadn’t given up. Later on though, idk like yesterday I felt done. I felt like just ending it. Today is a little better.

I got more nabilone from my pharmacy. Yeah I think that I might be addicted to the stuff, but I do think I still need it because sometimes my moods are just so emotional. But if I take too much then I kinda get stoned. And I’m pretty sure it fucks with my memory too.

Maybe I could take one in the morning, and one in the evening. Just to stay chill. 

I messaged my partner though, I’m going to go to school early tomorrow and do some work with her. I’m hoping I’d actually be able to get some work done there.

I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Thursday, and psychotherapist on Friday. 

And tomorrow night, I’m going to a drop-in emotional regulation group. I’m kind of nervous but kind of excited too. 

Last time I went I was in kind of a bad state. Other people there were varying degrees. They had us write a letter to someone who had hurt us, about something that was around 6 on a pain scale of 1-10. I wrote about my dad. He loves me a lot, and his intentions are good, but he has many toxic behaviours and habits too, and I wrote to him at that time. Mine was angry, lots of swear words I remember. A girl across the table started crying while writing hers. There was literally a lot of pain in that space. Then we lined up, and they had fake flames on a paper shredder and each of us had to put our letter in the shredder. 

It was very odd. When I got up to the shredder, I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to destroy it. 

It was kind of as if I wanted to hold on to that pain, to that grudge.

But then when I put it in and saw it get shredded, I actually did feel lighter. Imagine that. There was an interesting discussion about this afterwards. I felt better. Iunno something to think about I think. There’s a lesson there. 

So. I’m trying. I’m going to sleep at 12am now for the past 3 days atleast, and waking up around 8am. I have plans to figure out my medications and talk to my counsellor. 

You know what. No. You are now my consigliere. Thas all you baby. You the one. What it do BAB-Y

Tomorrow I said I would go to school early. I should also go to the gym. I can go tomorrow night I guess. Or tomorrow morning. We’ll see. Good luck. Thank you.

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

Well. I’ve slept.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Okay so my week of recovery isn’t going as well as I thought it’d be, but I guess that’s okay. It is what it is.

Monday I pulled an all nighter, and well yesterday, I came home from work, used my parents bathroom, and fell promptly asleep on their bed, since it was nice and dark there. Woke up at 12 am, went to my room, and slept til 6am. Woke up, thought about going to the gym, then slept intermittently until about 11am. That’s pretty fucked.

I had a phone interview at 1:30. I think I could have done better. I was too general. I should have outlined my skills more, about idk organization, integrity, IDFK something that she could have written down and looked over after. 

I should have at least known it wasn’t an advice role oh my god. 

I don’t think I got it. tbh. But hopefully idk, maybe God you can make something happen. Lessons for next time: 

NEXT INTERVIEW: HAVE SPECIFIC SITUATIONS OUTLINED AND SKILLS

I’m tired. I’m sitting at a library currently, and still haven’t started doing any work. Fuck okay this is good I guess, writing this kinda made me see the time and be like okay fucking work.

It’s just so hard ughhhhhhhh. I just do not want to do anything. I’ve been having kind of bad thoughts about this too. About not wanting to do anything. Cuz honestly in the end, if I have options, and I’m not taking them I should kind of die, you know? If I saw myself lying on that bed, not getting up for anything, not even food, even though I could like idk, shouldn’t I just die? What’s the point? 

I have a significant other. I try to see it from his point of view, him trying to wake me up, trying to get me help, trying to motivate me. But if I just don’t move, if I don’t do anything, then isn’t it all a waste?

Well I guess it’s a moot point. I haven’t given up. I’m still here trying

...

Well. As I sat own to definitely do work, a gentleman in the library asked me if I speak French. Next thing you know, he’s telling me about his wife cheating on him. So that happened.

Poor guy, honestly his situation sucks. He kept saying, “Omg like I’m sorry idk why I’m even telling you.” But honestly, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me lol. Maybe I just have that face or air? I don’t really mind it, I like that people can be so open and trusting like that with me. Although, when he asked to be “friends” it was kinda weird and I kinda did that thing where I’m uncomfortable with it, but felt way too awkward and mean saying no. So. Yeah. I did explain like I’m hesitant to give it cuz I have no time, and the last person I gave it to got mad at me cuz I didn’t reply as much, so hopefully this is okay?

Why am I thinking about it so much it’s a random stranger. But like I actually do feel really bad for him, especially his kids. 

Okay. Do SOME WORK. GO. 

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

RECAP: Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

- cleaned my room (all the clothes, still have drawers left), 

- called in sick to work, 

- bailed on my presentation tomorrow,

-emailed my prof to talk to her in person.

Fuck I just realized the bank never emailed me back for a time slot for the phone interview. Damn. Okay no happy thoughts. 

Ouu I found a really good new book - Toxic Parents - Susan Forward 

[itskindafuckedlol-blog]

Day 1

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Soooooooo I suck at journaling but I know it’s supposed to be one of the secret arts of being a successful human being so lemme try this.

This journal is to help me focus. What I’ve gotta focus on is: awareness and meditation and MINDFULNESS that's the fucking word it took me a minute goddamn I gotta stop taking these pills.

But yeah this time around my depression is hitting me again and I’m not gonna let that shit win. Wow I can really see the dyslexia in my writing sometimes lol. fuck it. whatever.

Anyways, keeping a journal is supposed to be really good for your mental health and I am on that JOURNEY (hahaha see what I did there) to better mine.

It’s been a rough and tbh a pretty fucked up journey so far, hence the super cool blog name: “itskindafuckedlol.”

Basically, I noticed that when me and my siblings actually talked about what used to happen in our childhood, there was an actual realization of - “oh shit, that was actually kinda fucked lol”

Even here I’m using ‘lol’. It’s a coping mechanism. I’ve seen it with them too lmao its kinda fucked like if we talk about anything messed up about our family or lives or even like just terrible things in general, we’ll always giggle or laugh.

It’s bad. lol.

Anywho, I don’t expect any other soul to really look at this page, it’s really more for myself. I mean, it’d be cool if someone came across it and could let me know what they think. LEMME KNOW WHAT U THINK BOUT WHAT I BE WRITING PERSON WHO IS JUST SCROLLING PAST.

I guess I should give some backstory as to who I am.

I am 24. I live in the suburbs, always have, hopefully never will again once I move out. I had kind of a rough childhood. My father was an alcoholic, and my mother wasn’t very present mentally, so it was definitely a tough environment to grow up in I guess. Okay, here I can see that journaling is kinda helping me accept what I went through. Damn my therapist is awesome. But I digress.

I grew up with my father being pretty strict. I'm a minority and my dad always wanted us to like stay in touch with our roots and stuff. Which is fine and great and all. But we had to attend religious schooling, including religious music classes and regional performances and competitions. Ugh. I have absolutely nothing against my religion but I absolutely have trouble with the facade surrounding it. I will probably write more about that later so stay tuned.

I don’t remember much about my mental health and stuff from high school except fighting with my dad almost on the daily. Otherwise, honestly, I don’t think high school was a bad experience for me. When I got to university however, I started having problems with anxiety and it was the end of my first year when I first had a depersonalization episode. I didn’t think anything of it at the time; I had no prior experience with or even proper knowledge of mental health. Over time my condition worsened and eventually I became diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar 2 disorder, and later on, borderline personality disorder and complex PTSD. All this, accompanied by the occasional splash of psychosis, various drug addictions, and some good-old fashioned trauma. It was bad lol. I don’t know how else to look back on it lol I have make it sound trivial and laugh or else I’ll fall into it. But It was bad.

BUT OKAY MOVING ON MIND FUCKING MOVE ON - no. stop. do the fucking awareness exercise: what is going on right now?

Okay well, looking back on the past just made me want to block out all of the memories and bad feelings that just came up Let me think of how far I’ve come from those memories instead - no wait that’s still going to make me dwell over the past. Let me think of what position I’m in right now. So: I’m mentally stronger, I have a good GPA at school, I have a professional job interview coming up, I have loving people in my life, I fucking look better eyyyy, I’m in a position to even do my Masters like fuck I’m killing it.

Wow okay doing that actually did make me feel better. Anyways, I moved back home, took some time off of school, worked a fucked up job, quit, worked a stressful job, quit, enrolled into school full time, did fucking awful and dropped my courses, enrolled in school again and actually did pretty good, 

and now, well, I’m working a normal job and I’m taking summer school.

As you can kinda see, it’s been pretty up and down. But one of the great things my therapist has said to me is, “Mental healing isn’t linear.” It’s going to be harder some days and I just have to be prepared for it.

Recently, though, I feel like I’ve fallen back into my past, in the bad times. It’s been like this for the past 2 months. I’ve lost all motivation and energy, I feel depressed and anxious, and I’ve even felt a microscopic bit suicidal lol its just been messed.

BUT,

this time around, I feel like I am better prepared. It goes to show, huh, that therapy and shit actually works. I wish I could shout out my psychotherapist she is so fucking brilliant. YOU GO GLEN COCO. YOU. FUCKING. GO.

Yeah, if I’m being honest, things are pretty fucked up right now too. But the point is that this time around I am fighting, not surviving.

I really took in everything that my therapist taught me, what I’ve learned from self-reflection, advice from friends, Rupaul’s Drag Race which, let me tell you girl, has fucking changed everything, examinations of my parents lives and just deducing life in general;

I took everything at that moment and made the decision to my situation. And my situation was truthfully, probably, heading towards complete self-destruction. Knowing this outcome subconsciously, my answer was, and still fucking is:

NOT THIS TIME. No sir, no ma’am. Not this fucking time. I have worked too goddamn hard and come too goddamn far to allow ANYTHING truthfully, anything, to bring me down now.

And that means making changes.

Hence, this blog. Ew, lmao I’m a blogger. Omg on god that literally just made me cringe loooool. Okay, well. Until next time. 

:)