started testosterone 3/13/23 and needed somewhere to scream into the void about it. (you're welcome to scream back)
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fuck. fuck goddamnit fucking hell fucking fuck
#i stopped t after four weeks bc i was just...#i couldn't really afford it#i was having an allergic reaction to the shots#it was turning into a nightmare to think about w/ my job for the summer#plus the mood swings were Real and i was getting like. dangerously suicidal#plus a whole bunch of family pressures#but anyways#i've now been off t again for longer than i was on it#& i thought i stopped before any changes had really happened?#which was also part of it#but UGH#the increased body hair thing definitely happened and i just wasn't noticing#(also like. takes time to grow i guess)#my arms are so hairy now and it's stressing me out a little#also facial hair started. which just fucking SUCKS.#like. just above my lip really stringy and gross and darker than usual#(i already had a decent amount there)#which i noticed a couple weeks ago & was just like 'whatever i'll shave it'#& using men's shaving cream is actually low-key extreme gender euphoria so it's fine#but also today i realized there's a couple patchy spots under my chin#(i didn't realize i cared abt being conventionally attractive w/out trying until that started changing lol)#also my voice cracks sometimes when i'm singing :(#and i just hate being stuck in between i guess#plus like. desperately wanting to get back on t#but also not? i really want to be back in the closet i think?#i don't know. i'm a mess right now#i'm also still dangerously suicidal lol
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welp. i think i need to stop t
#money money money#rather stop now than after changes have started happening#also i'm pretty sure i'm having an allergic reaction to it?#which is fun and exciting. love a new experience#anyways#it's been fun
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aaaaaaaaaaaaah (four weeks on t)
#nsfw#seriously these tags are not safe for work lmao#i am so horny. all of the fucking time#how do people? function? like this?#is this what teenage boys feel like?#how do they do it?#i have masturbated more times in the past four weeks than i had in my entire life previously#i have orgasmed more times in the past four weeks than i had in my entire life previously#it's literally been like. half an hour#and i think i have to do it again!#because i am literally hard and aroused and i cannot fucking focus!#what the fuck!#and i mean#bottom growth is Happening TM#(which is so exciting oh my god i have a tiny dick)#(seeing it aroused is WILD)#(i can have an erection!!)#the point was. increased sensitivity & hopefully it gets better#but hnnng
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the elation of getting hormone level test results back, and seeing that they鈥檙e in the (higher end of!) the normal male range...absolute euphoria
#ftm#testosterone#it's also very funny#bc the way the results page is set up#defaults to female for me#so it's like. my level is TEN TIMES THE HIGHER END OF THAT RANGE#which would be concerning if this test was for a different purpose#lmao
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tomorrow will be two weeks!
nothing is different except i am SO HUNGRY ALL OF THE TIME
#like literally oh my god#i ate three whole meals yesterday#and breakfast this morning#and i am STILL HUNGRY#i have not consistently eaten lunch since i was like. fourteen#bc i just didn't get hungry in the middle of the day!!#what the fuck#what is this nonsense
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just did my second shot! one week on t
#still hoping for changes despite knowing they're a long way off#i'm in a very strange limbo right now#it's almost making me regret starting this. not because i don't want it. but it's just...i don't know#still living in the in-between despite having taken the first steps to getting out of it...#it's strange#it makes me think i could've kept living here i think#that the money and the struggle and the transphobia from my parents and my job etc#aren't worth it#and i know they /are/#i fought so hard to get here#and now that i'm here it doesn't feel worth it#i don't know#simultaneously though i'm so excited for things to start changing#i can't stop waiting and hoping and thinking about it and watching for any sign#it's weird. this is weird.
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3 days in, and i know it鈥檚 silly to expect changes already but i can鈥檛 stop doing it
#ftm#testosterone#i know nothing will change for Weeks#and nothing noticeable for months#but this is an even weirder limbo than before i started t#and i mean. i was like. hornier than i've Ever been in my life the first day after the first shot#but that's not really anything#just playing a waiting game#i do Feel different but i know that's less about the t and more the fact that i'm doing something at all
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