lo4354

[lo4354]

Work Trip

Today I went on a work trip got to meet some people etc. But got trigerred b/c honestly feel like my career is going nowhere soon. I have been stuck at this position for 3 years not and it is not going anywhere! I am so damn frustrated. I brought up promotion so many times for management to just say. You are not thinking of the solution on your own. You are not independent enough etc. etc. I thought about it and those are valid statements BUT they also promoted every other rando who didnt do that! WTF is wrong with this management?

I keep circling back thinking I am worthless, I am not talkative, there must be something wrong with me.. why did I not get promoted but everyone else does?

It feels like there is a big part of something I am missing and that is likely the fact that there is no opening for promotion. In this scenario I just have to pull my big girl pants up and search for other jobs. DONT LOOK BACK RUHI! YOU HAVE WASTED ENOUGH TIME! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! Stop comparing with other people like I should have done this and it would have magically done something and helped. It WOULDNT HAVE OK, IT WOULDNT HAVE. YOU ARE PERFECT! YOU LED 3 PROJECTS your team advocated for you - it is not your fault there is no position open. Get your shit together and search for another job! post marraige you may need to move anyways.

[lo4354]

Ruhi you went on dates and went to yoga. GREAT JOB!! you did rough things, you also came back and did a skincare routine. You are awesome! Be proud of yourself. Keep in mind a couple of things: -DO not under any circumstance think about that guy again until he reaches out to make plans. -DO NOT think about what work people think/why you are not getting promoted just keep filling out job applications. -DO NOT think I am weird worthless people hate me. You just need to try whatever else happens is on them.

[lo4354]

Have first date/call jitters today. Have to talk to this guy today and I am just jittery/anxious. How do I end it if he doesnt like me? What if I dont like him? What if its awkward and we have to drag the call on?

Honestly expectation should be just talk to him FOR PRACTICE. Even if it goes awfully, that will be like whatever, move on and get some practice. I havent been on a date in 5 months because I wanted to build my confidence.

Dont talk to my parents about - pretend you did it though dating app and parents not involved at all. This is just personal thing. No expectations.

Teach myself its ok if people dont like me. Its ok if I never get married. Its ok if date goes badly. This is the time to practice all of that. So I will take it like an exam, and just practice remembering I dont need him to like me or want him to like me. This is just something I am doing for practice. To check off a mark on my number of dates to go on for this year.

[lo4354]

Stuck in a rut - Again

So I missed this yoga mentor session and then the instructor got mad why was I a no show etc. etc. Which was an honest mistake I signed up in the excel but had conflict later and forgot to delete my name, but I felt awful for a whole 8 hours and ruminated over whether she hated me and thought I was the worst person ever with no respect for other peoples times. I apologized and told her I wouldnt do it again. I missed the orientation too and cancelled after it started so she brought that up and scolded me for that too - which tbh was kinda weird since that was over a week ago and she acted cool after it happened, so I found it weird she was expressing anger over it a week later. I keep ruminating is it my fault, does she think I am incapable of keeping commitments etc. etc. but to be honest those thoughts are fucking waste of time. I paid 3k for this yoga training, and its my responsibility to go to the classes not theirs. Either way they get the money (a LOT of money) so it doesnt really hurt them if I dont show up - it hurts me. I dont know why I keep thinking they are gonna hate me, everyones going to hate me or something - maybe because of being burned it the past by work people/my parents?? But thinking on this is a waste of time - I cant control what they think, can only control what I think and do. AND I know thinking about this is a waste of time, I got other shit to do. Today I signed up for yoga again but was debating whether I should go or not cause other instructor was there, but went anyway - trying to do this new thing where I dont let my fear control me. Which super proud of myself for still going - I need to have this routine which I stick to no matter what ish is going on and this weekend yoga is a huge part of that. Hoping to get all my laundry/cooking/cleaning done this weekend - and then get a straight routine together for my life. Start getting back into applying for jobs, interview prep, skin care all of that. Baby steps thats what I need.. I lost some momentum this week- was super sore on Monday after the weekend and extremely fatigued but thats ok - I am going to sleep on time, ditch the caffeine, and eat fatigue fighting foods. I got this!

[lo4354]

Super Tired but cant rest

Tomorrow worried my boss will ask me to report on something I am still not super clear on. So gotta prep on what I will say to him. Honestly sick of always being confused on this job with what the f is going on or maybe that is just part of the job since I am in product management. I told myself I will take the night off today. Need to rejuvinate and just take some time for myself. Havent been in the right headspace and need to get there again.

[lo4354]

Today - Exhaustion

Today went to the yoga tt for 6 hrs straight, they didnt tell me to do the redo and pay 100 bucks so I guess that was good. But entire thing was super draining and I was exhausted after. Dk if its because of my period but I was super gloomy too. I really need a rest day. I know what my goals are in life - to get another job, to be healthy, to get fit, but sometimes I just find everything meaningless like why am I doing these things.. I am just so lonely and life is not getting any better. I just feel like I am never gonna get a job I like or be able to successfully date/have friends. I made friends with my roommate which I guess is one friend I never had before... but I need more friends and dont think I will find them thru the 200 hr ytt.

[lo4354]

Off week

This week was super week due to an episode of PMDD - honestly feel like I was going crazy feeling like everyone hated me not knowing if what I was feeling was real or not. Then I starte yoga tt this weekend but ran late to the orientation session and missed it b/c they dont let people in late. Now worried I will have to spend 100 dollars on makeup for orientation which is one stupid policy in the first place but I signed up so I have to stick with it. Just remind myself I am doing this for my wellbeing - It is an investment I chose to do because in the bigger sceheme it will benefit me.

[lo4354]

Stuck in a rut

I am stuck in a super rut - feel worthless all the time cause of my job. Have to go to a conference next week but will feel worthless again at that conference - constantly spiraling. I just want to leave this job sooo. much. Leadership is awful and people just ignore the elephants in the room. Only thing keeping me here is the high salary. Honestly I just have to buckle down and job search. Pretend like this job DOES NOT MATTER - SINCE IT DOESNT it is just the job I have to pay the bills, and instead job search for a new job. I will try to work out and meditate today, get my mind out of this fog!

[lo4354]

To do Sunday

Remind yourself if you get stressed the only person's expectations you have to meet are YOUR OWN!

Watch the 3 hr SQL video and take notes on how to write queries. In between use sql bolt to try it out.

If you have time today - update the resume based on the ATS feedback. Next Week Game Plan: Put together a SQL query to pull data of containers leaving a place with nothing added, type nonchem or chem, cross check with items with same timestamp of divert leaving with same attribute. Attempt to do it based on your knowledge.. if you cant just show what you got and dont worrry - YOU GOT THIS!

Continue applying to 3 jobs daily. Make sure to run an AI check on the resume to make sure the buzz words matches. Yoga starts Oct 24 - do not skip any of these remember self care is priority! If you can master the SQL in next 2 weeks, we will move on to the Power BI training, if that works aim to get the google cloud leader cert. Priority List: P1: Self care Yoga Hydration Eat food Sleep on time P2: Skill overlap between work and job search SQL and Power BI, SQL is higher now. If you can use this you can use it for job search and at work. P3: Regular work P4: Resume edits + Job Application & Networking

[lo4354]

tidbit for. me

PLD. Post Layoff Depression. It's a real thing. "I was in a fog after I got the notice. I just couldn't believe it happened to me. My ego was bruised. I was in complete and utter shock." "I have coached and mentored dozens of younger colleagues over the years. In my head... I know how to network and strategically tackle a job search. But my brain cannot complete tasks right now. I just sit at my computer for half the day and can't even begin to tell you how many times I've attempted to write my LinkedIn profile. Little tasks that would have taken me a half hour now seem to take 10x longer." "I consider myself a mentally healthy person. I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed before. I'm healthy, I have a good family life, I work out... but unemployment absolutely rocked me. I was depressed and didn't recognize it." "I can't go on LinkedIn anymore. Any time I see an announcement from one of my fellow laid-off colleagues announcing that they landed a job makes me want to crawl in a hole. I'm a better technologist than they are. I flipping mentored them. And now they are employed, and I'm still shlepping along applying for jobs on Indeed." ^^ These are real confessions from job seekers. I hear stories like this from people almost daily. Job searching--especially unemployed--- can take a toll on your mental health. Take care of yourself. Know the signs of depression and seek help if you need it. There is no shame in getting treatment.

[lo4354]

Stumble Block

Had a bad evening today. After giving a presentation my manager didnt compliment at all just asked me to add some lines - so my brain jumped to negative conclusions that he must have hated it and I am so worthless/useless etc. Then when I called to talk to my dad about job search he told me its lucky I even got my current job, and I need to learn SQL and his and my moms postions may potentially be made obsolete, so I should keep my job. That sent my anxiety levels through the roof. Right now in my current job I am not getting promoted for god knows what reason and feel stuck an doubting myself damn day. I want to escape so badly but my dad is right the company I work for right now is stable and another company might not be. I still applied for 3 more jobs today, but lost motivation to draft cover letter and start on a SQL training. Please help me god with finding strength during this tough time. I know I am currently in a better position than most and should be grateful but my mind keeps catastrophizing that I will be stuck here forever, I will never get promoted and there is no way out of here. The only way forward is to better myself and keep applying for jobs. In the meantime keep myself happy, with doing yoga eating nice food, and doing things for my soul- this is the only thing I can do. I am proud of myself for my efforts - and everynight I will remember that!

[lo4354]

To Do - Thursday

Take 4 Deep Breaths whenever you are anxious.

Watch 1 podcast

1 Online yoga class

Fold clothes when anxious

Apply for 3 jobs/Cold contact 3 people

Search for a career coach.

Eat 2 home cooked meals.

Shower + Skincare. Ready get set go!

[lo4354]

"I am convinced that most people can acheive their dreams and beyond if they have the determination to keep trying" - Howard Shultz People will be rude to you, system will not favor you, you will feel behin or lost - but everyday make a commitment to show up for yourself. This is what you do for yourself to lead the best life you can lead.Even if you fail you will know you gave it your best shot!

[lo4354]

Morning 10/17

Still feel extreme anxiety I will never get another job, never be good enough. I don't know how to stop these feelings. All I know is I can actively work to get out of this situation. 1.Networking 2.Job Application + recruiter reach 3.Doing my job. What they do is in their control - what I do is in my control. Tell myself - I am proud of you! Reposition as a layoff - I have no choice but to job search. DO NOT LOOK BACK! Thank you, Roshini A.

[lo4354]

To Do 10/16 Wednesday

Take 4 Deep Breaths whenever you are anxious.

Watch 1 episode of stephen king storm of century

Go to sound bath yoga/7pm yoga today.

Rehearse once for presentation tomorrow.

Fold clothes when anxious

Apply for 3 jobs/Cold contact 3 people.

Eat 2 home cooked meals Ready get set go!

[lo4354]

Remember the hell you got out of - there is only up from here. Do not look back, do not overthink, do not doubt yourself!

[lo4354]

Made myself a nice breakfast bagel w/jalapeno,fried onion, cheese omelette, strawberries, hot ginger chai. Was very yummy!