lo4354

[lo4354]

Thought Dump

Feel a little better now but just kind of stuck on a couple things at work.

I made that mistake in october which had prod impact and needed to explain to my manager/ eeryone scolded me.

My director/pseudo manager told me the below: -I should have added better solution approach onto slide/formatted this better -I should have started discovery earlier & resolved this issue he wanted to figure out. -I should start applying for other jobs

New manager so I have no idea what expectations are for upcoming projects and just very lost..

What I want to do? 1.Actually practice yoga everyday 2.Take a shower/skincare everyday 3.Homemade meals everyday 4.Some stress relieve actiity of my choice 5.Keep applying for jobs + working on skills 6.Eventually take a sabbatical and solo travel

[lo4354]

New year stuff

Feeling really burnt out and depressed. Having body pain from severe anxiety. Thoughts that things are never gonna get any better. I have to get a new job while keeping current job, somehow get thru this yoga tt, find a way to date, find a way to make friends - list just goes on and on. And even if I do all of those things whats the point? Relationships could fail, next job could fail - then I will come back to same place..Also the people there could keep telling me I am worthless and I would be stuck in a toxic place again. My parents are another hot mess. I thought my dad was at least a bit trustworthy even though my mom is delulu, but we were all moving things to my sisters place and I told the fam I didnt want to come since I was depressed + having body pain - but they forced me to come. Then I told them I wouldnt be able to help cause I was out of it so I stayed to the side and my mom + dad ended up moving my sisters stuff. then later they started yelling at me like I am so worthless for not helping etc. etc. and just complain that I am depressed all the time as an excuse for laziness and depression is absolute bs. I felt like crying - I literally am dying from body pain and mental shut down due to depression and these idiots think I am faking it. On top of that I dont know who in their right mind thinks it helps to insult their daughter who constantly struggles with feelings of worthlessness and feeling stupid like its not woth it for her to do anything - LIKE HOW THE F IS INSULTING HER GONNA HELP? God I am just so tired - tired with my gaslighting mom, my dad who cannot control his anger. these abusive parents I am stuck with and will always be stuck with. I am also tired of my gaslighting boss who blames me even though he cant give me clear instructions, tired of this endless cycle of work, tired of this stupid af yoga tt which never gives me a break. I just want it all to end!!

[lo4354]

No sitting and wallowing

Ruhi instead of sitting in ur room + wallowing - actually get out there and do something.

Fear arises from attachment and ignorance, and the path to overcoming fear lies in developing self-awareness, surrendering to a higher power, and practicing equanimity, essentially meaning to remain calm and composed even in the face of challenging situations; the Gita emphasizes that a person who is truly connected to the divine is naturally fearless.  In life we came with nothing will leave with nothing - DONT be attached to people perception, societal norms,societal constructs etc.

You are afraid of no promotion since you think people will think negatively you are falling behind. Thats being scared of people perception, and constructing a timeline in your head thats not real!

You are scared of no relationship b/c ypu thinik time is running out you will get worst guy or be alone forever - that is jumping to worst conclusions/creating a construct of time in your head.

In life abandon these constructs/idea of what is "normal" and live by what makes you happy!

[lo4354]

Problem and Solution

Have no friends To avoid stressing about having no friends, try to actively combat negative thinking, focus on self-care practices like mindfulness and gratitude, actively seek out new connections by joining groups or using friendship apps based on your interests, and be open to meeting new people without fearing rejection; if social anxiety is a significant factor, consider therapy to manage these feelings Actions: Take 3 deep breaths. What are you grateful for? I have 1 work friend, 1 friend from childhood, 1 roommate who is my friend.

I have a high paying job, family alive roof over my head. If I want to make more friends - JUST need to put myself out there! So far I joined a yoga 200tt to make friends but it is not really clicking with anyone - I feel like I am sitting to the side discluded from the group. Sometimes I am included in the convos but not always, maybe I should include myself in the convos? Earlier I was super low energy and burnt out so didnt really feel like conversing with anyone or doing anthing.. Action Plan: Next time someone has convo next to me in 200 hr yoga tt strike up convo with them and start talking about something/anything.. - Do girls who walk to make friends CONSISTENCY IS KEY! sometimes you may meet nobody but sometimes you might meet someone? So far you have made some progress, so go EASY ON YOURSELF! YOU HAVE MADE PROGRESS - you just got burnt out which is OK! That is fine, you need to take a break practice gratitude mindfulness. Dont get too connected with that which is not permanent - write down your goals which you really want to do and then execute. Dont waste time on guesswork - I should have done, I dont know what to do etc. etc. - LIFE IS FUCKIN HARD. BUT THATS OK - THINGS WILL GET BETTER LIFE HAS UPS AND DOWNS!

[lo4354]

Emotional Burnout

When stress from adverse or challenging events in life occur continually, you can find yourself in a state of feeling emotionally worn out and drained. This is called emotional exhaustion. For most people, emotional exhaustion tends to build up slowly over time. Emotional exhaustion includes emotional, physical and performance symptoms.

Physical:

Fatigue

Headaches

Lack of appetite

Nausea or upset stomach

Poor sleep

Sore muscles or muscle tension

Strategies to reduce emotional exhaustion include:

Eating a healthy, balanced diet

Eliminating or minimizing the stressor when possible

Exercising

Getting adequate sleep

Identifying and challenging unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with balanced thoughts

Practicing mindfulness to engage in the present moment

[lo4354]

Set boundaries with mom

RUHI that mom of yours (and dad) are absolute gone case toxic gaslighting people. YOU KNOW THIS! they make you go back question yourself doubt yourself but you know they are wrong! DO NOT LOOK BACK ! BE HAPPY! LIVE FOR YOURSELF!

[lo4354]

happiness

All I want is to grasp happiness. Sometimes in my worst moments espescially pre-period I completely lose myself feel worthless, feel unloved, hate my life cannot stop ruminating. BUT these are all PMDD symptoms, I really have to start tracking my periods and take care of myseld when my periods coming! I am also sick so really need to rest and recharge mentally and physically. I think the fact that I did not get promoted at work and all this work drama went down is really getting to me - BUT at the end of the day my sole focus in life is MYSELF. Sometimes things work out sometimes it doesnt but life moves forward I cant keep getting stuck. I told myself I would apply for another job and rewire my lifestyle habits - that is my main goal! TO LOVE MYSELF! FORGET PROMOTION BOSS APPROVAL, EVERYBODY APPROVAL - LOVE YOURSELF AND BE HAPPY! THAT IS YOUR GOAL! DONT YOU FORGET IT!

[lo4354]

for me

I think you're very hard on yourself because your parents were overly harsh and hard on you for small, insignificant things. Your beliefs about yourself seem based on feedback they have given you (You're too meek or timid, you're irresponsible because you were 3 mins late). When in reality, you would have been on time with the right link (which has happened to all of us!!!) and it doesn't sound like it's your responsibility to end the calls or meetings.

[lo4354]

Life Trauma

-Struggled to make friends when I was younger even to now

-Treated differently/Shamed for being introverted/quiet and having social anxiety

-Toxic parents who would constantly demean me and insult me

-Job with no support getting blame when expectations and triaing was nonexsistent

-Dating guy who was inconsistent/defensive and parents unsupportive when it ended.

-Gaslit by managers in workplace on why I was not getting promoted

-Made to work in the middle of overstimulation/panic attacks anxiety

[lo4354]

Ugh

Nov 30 - Another awful week - wanna drown myself and just get away from my life. Feels like I am on a wheel of bad stuff happening to me A small misunderstandng at work - got scolded. Now worried he will report me to my boss although likelihood of that happening is minimal. Even if he reports me to my boss I dont even know if I should care - not like I am getting promoted here anyways.. I am just bone deep tired, and exhausted. I want to go home, I want to rest and recover. I want to spend time with my dog and sister. I am tired of this job. the constant negatiity, scolding made to feel I am not good enough I hate this so much. I nned to get my shit together and start job searching again. . .

THIS IS JUST A STUPID JOB - GET SOME REST AND SPEND SOME TIME ON TRAINING and JOB SEARCH!

[lo4354]

Work Bad thoughts

Everyone hates me

Everyone thinks I am stupid + not going anywhere

People talking to me harshly Honestly EFF ALL OF THESE LOSERS! GET A NEW JOB AND NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN! YOUR HAPPINESS IS IN YOUR CONTROL! THEY NEER HAD A RIGHT TO DISRESPECT OR HURT YOU - THAT IS ON THEM!

[lo4354]

Fed up with work

Again.. Got a new manager now he is effing everything up. Constantly feel like I am doing stuff wrong terrified of how things will shift. God I hate this feeling of uncertainty. WORK IS JUST FOR MONEY! LIVE YOUR LIFE! DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! READ, LISTEN TO MUSIC, COOK, GO TO CAFES - enjoy yourself ruhi!

[lo4354]

Work Trip

Today I went on a work trip got to meet some people etc. But got trigerred b/c honestly feel like my career is going nowhere soon. I have been stuck at this position for 3 years not and it is not going anywhere! I am so damn frustrated. I brought up promotion so many times for management to just say. You are not thinking of the solution on your own. You are not independent enough etc. etc. I thought about it and those are valid statements BUT they also promoted every other rando who didnt do that! WTF is wrong with this management?

I keep circling back thinking I am worthless, I am not talkative, there must be something wrong with me.. why did I not get promoted but everyone else does?

It feels like there is a big part of something I am missing and that is likely the fact that there is no opening for promotion. In this scenario I just have to pull my big girl pants up and search for other jobs. DONT LOOK BACK RUHI! YOU HAVE WASTED ENOUGH TIME! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! Stop comparing with other people like I should have done this and it would have magically done something and helped. It WOULDNT HAVE OK, IT WOULDNT HAVE. YOU ARE PERFECT! YOU LED 3 PROJECTS your team advocated for you - it is not your fault there is no position open. Get your shit together and search for another job! post marraige you may need to move anyways.

[lo4354]

Ruhi you went on dates and went to yoga. GREAT JOB!! you did rough things, you also came back and did a skincare routine. You are awesome! Be proud of yourself. Keep in mind a couple of things: -DO not under any circumstance think about that guy again until he reaches out to make plans. -DO NOT think about what work people think/why you are not getting promoted just keep filling out job applications. -DO NOT think I am weird worthless people hate me. You just need to try whatever else happens is on them.

[lo4354]

Have first date/call jitters today. Have to talk to this guy today and I am just jittery/anxious. How do I end it if he doesnt like me? What if I dont like him? What if its awkward and we have to drag the call on?

Honestly expectation should be just talk to him FOR PRACTICE. Even if it goes awfully, that will be like whatever, move on and get some practice. I havent been on a date in 5 months because I wanted to build my confidence.

Dont talk to my parents about - pretend you did it though dating app and parents not involved at all. This is just personal thing. No expectations.

Teach myself its ok if people dont like me. Its ok if I never get married. Its ok if date goes badly. This is the time to practice all of that. So I will take it like an exam, and just practice remembering I dont need him to like me or want him to like me. This is just something I am doing for practice. To check off a mark on my number of dates to go on for this year.

[lo4354]

Stuck in a rut - Again

So I missed this yoga mentor session and then the instructor got mad why was I a no show etc. etc. Which was an honest mistake I signed up in the excel but had conflict later and forgot to delete my name, but I felt awful for a whole 8 hours and ruminated over whether she hated me and thought I was the worst person ever with no respect for other peoples times. I apologized and told her I wouldnt do it again. I missed the orientation too and cancelled after it started so she brought that up and scolded me for that too - which tbh was kinda weird since that was over a week ago and she acted cool after it happened, so I found it weird she was expressing anger over it a week later. I keep ruminating is it my fault, does she think I am incapable of keeping commitments etc. etc. but to be honest those thoughts are fucking waste of time. I paid 3k for this yoga training, and its my responsibility to go to the classes not theirs. Either way they get the money (a LOT of money) so it doesnt really hurt them if I dont show up - it hurts me. I dont know why I keep thinking they are gonna hate me, everyones going to hate me or something - maybe because of being burned it the past by work people/my parents?? But thinking on this is a waste of time - I cant control what they think, can only control what I think and do. AND I know thinking about this is a waste of time, I got other shit to do. Today I signed up for yoga again but was debating whether I should go or not cause other instructor was there, but went anyway - trying to do this new thing where I dont let my fear control me. Which super proud of myself for still going - I need to have this routine which I stick to no matter what ish is going on and this weekend yoga is a huge part of that. Hoping to get all my laundry/cooking/cleaning done this weekend - and then get a straight routine together for my life. Start getting back into applying for jobs, interview prep, skin care all of that. Baby steps thats what I need.. I lost some momentum this week- was super sore on Monday after the weekend and extremely fatigued but thats ok - I am going to sleep on time, ditch the caffeine, and eat fatigue fighting foods. I got this!

[lo4354]

Super Tired but cant rest

Tomorrow worried my boss will ask me to report on something I am still not super clear on. So gotta prep on what I will say to him. Honestly sick of always being confused on this job with what the f is going on or maybe that is just part of the job since I am in product management. I told myself I will take the night off today. Need to rejuvinate and just take some time for myself. Havent been in the right headspace and need to get there again.