insiderage

[insiderage]

new york leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, so does pennsylvania, so does anywhere america.

pennsylvania reminds me of three years in a haze. pennsylvania reminds me blood sticking to my arms, it reminds me of throwing up in the school bathroom. but it also reminds me of late summer phone calls, reminds me of the way she always remembered just about everything about me.

new york reminds me of cold winters where my legs burned as i walked through the hallways, reminds me of springs where i cried in newspaper class. but it also reminds me of a faux love i had, it still got me through that winter nonetheless.

but now its houston and its the transition between a sticky summer to a heavy fall— like a weighted blanket wrapped around me.

and in the houston september i scream DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME and Miss Earth screams back. she says i need to hurt you, you havent learned your lesson yet.

i bow my head and i let her strike me again, because i didnt learn from pennsylvania and i didnt learn from new york.

[insiderage]

[insiderage]

the writer, not the saint.

• my parents are writers, maybe i just wanted to be like my parents. my writing feels culturally unique to myself — the daughter of a polish man and a pakistan woman. the beautiful language of pakistan and the fascinating tall tales of poland were what grew my writing into what it is.

• i started writing poetry when i was fourteen, it was bad but it gave me a long needed outlet. let yourself use writing as not only an outlet, use it as a way to know yourself.

• i fell in love with the taste of poetry after finding charles bukowski books stacked in my attic, i owe my notebooks full of written poetry to that october day.

• please dont repost my work, i urge you to create something yourself to post. i love you.

[insiderage]

i'm supposed to let go of what you did to me, but for now i'm every shitty thing that ever happened to me glued together. your voice rotates in my head, sometimes i swear i can still feel your fingers tracing my scars. you are all of the songs i can no longer listen to, and all of the names that now make me wince. that thought puts my lined shoulders to shame. it still makes me sick to think that someone will love you the way i did, the only thing that makes me sicker is thinking about going back. i will never again know what you ate for breakfast, and i'll never again remind you to put your coat on. we kissed at the graveyard three winters ago, i remember the sound of my jacket against a dead man's headstone. now you're seven states over, probably hearing someone else's jacket rub against stone. im tired of the, most awful, places we went together. blood stains every memory of you, i can't fool myself by thinking that the red is a product of my rose tinted glasses, you smashed those when you left me in pieces. i didn't know that would be the last i love you, i just know that now that it's over i wish i could take those three words back. i told you, i trusted you more than i trust god. you traced my scars, you told me that no god of yours would want this for me. that was four days before you left. you wanted to hurt me, but you also wanted me. i would've loved you forever, a dog howling in bloodied snow, if you had just said the right words. i was so entangled in my own devotion, so obsessed in where i started and you ended.i didn't notice my fingers bleed as i held you tight, i clawed under your skin to lessen our distance. i let my heart sit in your hands for far too long, it rots as you watch. i thought nothing would come as easy as you do, loving you was never anything but six feet and a shovel away from easy. you blew me a kiss before you left, i held onto that kiss for three more summers. for some glorious minutes i'm as real as you let me be, but when i think about it there's not many poetics to be waxed about how this all turned out. i snarl at the devotion that you so crave from me. my heart would still give it if you asked in all the right, disgusting ways. 

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im in this big new city, but it could never make me feel as alive as your name on my screen does. and i find my religion in between your lips, you find yours in the space between my poetry. there was always something beautiful to me about how your favorite flavor of candy was always the color of my hair. my favorite is whatever you tell me it is, my heart is tangled in my devotion to you. my writing feels like a string of consciousness, but it's okay because i'd let you crawl up in my head if you could.

[insiderage]

i didnt get the childhood i shouldve, and neither did you. when we look in the reflection, we see kids that got more than we bargained for. now i have this sister and i watch her leap towards teenage hood and i know that i would kill to relive the years she feels so stuck in. but instead im stuck between these four walls, clutching my chest and howling like a dog. im howling to go back to a childhood i never had, and a name that feels so empty in my leave. there are still days where i see photos of myself at my sisters age and i feel like im a ghost in a glass casket. oh what i would do to go back, and how i would kill myself over and over again if i had to.

[insiderage]

things are getting better, but i still live on the same street with the same flickering street lamps. sleep still tugs my eyes to sleep, but the crave for blood keeps me in my own wake. it's christmas night and i dont know that ive ever felt so empty.

[insiderage]

i've started sleeping more than i've been awake. i've started rotting in bed because its better than rotting outside. every time im forced out it feel like crawling out of a grave, every time i lay back down my bed becomes a coffin. i know this isn't normal and i know settling for unconsciousness as a substitution for death isn't normal. but what the fuck do you want me to do. there's blood on my converse. my cheeks are sticky with tears. my skin shows the promises that turned into regrets. im about to go back to sleep, im getting tired of wishing i wouldn't wake up.

[insiderage]

when i say i love you i want you to know that its wrapped in all the warmth i have to offer. i love the world because youre in it and im so glad you decided to stay. now from you i have all i ever wanted, now from you i never have a cold night, now from you my lips are never left untouched. and im so glad i got to make you a cup of tea like i always promised i would when we were both fourteen and afraid. i could compare you to everything good and it still wouldnt be enough, your brightness versus the sun would be a weak comparison. i love you and i love you and i love you. please understand me when i say i love you, please feel the weight of my words. because it took me such a long time to love anyone. or anything. it was a whole lot of nothing for a long time, i dont think i wanted to love anything. so i guess what im saying is, thank you for teaching me how to love again. i love you.

[insiderage]

he fits me like a missing rib / and he leaves me like an open casket / i would tell him anything if he just asked / there are a lot of moments where i feel like a dog who's leash is tied to a tree / but when i see that look in his eye my leash is cut free / and every time that leash is cut free i know i would follow him into hell if he just asked nicely / its us versus the flames / and all im thinking is how maybe if i grip your hand tight enough you'll stay / if i love you in the right way we can survive / i've been pretending i'm in love with the idea of being alive for as long as i can remember / but it's that look in your eye / that look in your eye makes me think that maybe i don't have to pretend anymore / the brush of our fingertips is breaking down walls / your breath on my neck is shattering my world / i'm whispering your name like a prayer / i'm coughing it out between my chokes on grief / this was never going to be perfect / you were never going to be perfect / but i want to die a little less every time i feel your lips on mine / and as i type this i know i fell for you every way imaginable / i love you