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Bill: Hey can I ask for some advice?

Paul: Not really no. You'll figure it out

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Bill: You might as well go ahead and pronounce the L in salmon.

Bill: Since nothing matters and we're all gonna die anyway.

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Charlotte: not only do i put a little line through my 7s but i put one through my Zs too. i’m sick and twisted. you’re never getting out of this network of caves alive.

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Sam: Babe are you okay? You've barely touched the argument I baited you with

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Steph: text me when you're here

Pete: Potassium. Omw.

Steph: potassium?? autocorrect????

Pete: No, the periodic table symbol for potassium is K

Steph: turn around and go back home.

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Charlotte: We could go to yours. Ted: Fuck yeah, I'm down. Charlotte: Do you have a bedframe? Ted: Yeah? Charlotte: Does it have a headboard? Ted: Oh, so you wanna get freaky freaky. Of course it does. Charlotte: Do you wash your duvet? Ted: ..I think so? Like the sheets or-? Charlotte: Do you seperate your whites? Do you hang your shirts to dry? Ted: ...Let's just go to yours.

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Emma: I'm gonna get fucking fired. Last week a customer reached past me to point at something and I bit him on the hand as hard as I could Paul: Your first reaction was to bite him? Emma: No I had time to think about it

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Bill: Wow that was a pretty good movie Ted: That was a pretty good movie I'm not going to lie to you Bill: ...What do you mean? Ted: What's up? Bill: You said you're not going to lie to me Ted: Yeah like I'm not going to lie to you I enjoyed that Bill: ...Okay. Thanks for not lying, I guess. Ted: Yeah, he totally sold that performance if I'm being honest with you. Bill: ...Are you not usually honest with me? Ted: What are you talking about? Bill: I feel like that's twice in a row now that you've implied that you're sometimes dishonest with me. Ted: What, no it's not even like that to tell you the truth Bill: AH! Ted: WHAT IS WRONG Bill: If in SOME sentences you clarify that you're not lying that IMPLIES you're lying in the others Ted: Look- this- okay, let me be real for a second Bill: For a second, yeah, please do that. Ted: This is just how I talk to be completely honest. Bill: ...Okay now you just spoke for about 2 seconds, which second of that was the one where you were being real with me?

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Emma (texting): only cause you dot joke the score

Paul: What?

Paul, 2 hours later: Emma whenever you send a really poorly written text and then don't reply forever I worry you were texting while driving and died while sending it and that I'm gonna have to be on a commercial holding up a sign saying 'only cause you dot joke the score' and tearfully say "my wife died sending me this text. I have no idea what it means."

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Ted: Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Paul? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Ted: Sylvia Pepe, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Sylvia's mail's getting sent back to me. Sylvia Pepe, Sylvia Pepe, I look in the mail, this whole box is Sylvia Pepe! So I say to myself I gotta find this woman. I gotta go up to her office, I gotta put her mail in the woman's goddamn hands! Otherwise she's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. Ted: So I go up to Sylvia's office and what do I find out, Paul, what do I find out? There is no Sylvia Pepe. The woman does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Sylvia Pepe, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Sylvia! Ted: All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Sylvia!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. Ted: There is no Carol in H.R. Paul, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town! Paul: Okay Ted, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis!

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Bill: Charlotte, you need to stand up for yourself. Charlotte: I can't. I have low iron.

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Bill: God I hope no one has notifications on for the work group chat right now. Charlotte just sent six-- Ted: Sex? Ted: Sorry I zoned out and just heard sex.

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Ruth: Hey can I sit with you? Grace: Why? Ruth: Max keeps throwing ketchup packets at me. Grace: You’re not covered in ketchup though? Ruth: Yeah, he doesn’t know he needs to open them first.

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Zoey: I’m a whore for the cheesy biscuits Emma: You say you’re a whore for everything Zoey: Oh yeah? Like what? Emma: Bottled water, massages, internet, Burt’s Bees, Wendy’s french fries, percocet, American Spirits, Blink 182… Zoey: We need to hang out less

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Ted: He had McDonalds. Bill, where'd you get McDonalds?? Bill: ...McDonalds. Ted: Bitch give me a fry. Bill: Is that how you ask? Ted: Bitch PLEASE give me a fry.

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Ted: My stupid ass hole training is coming along nicely.

Bill: What's hole training? I tried googling it, but...

Ted: ASSHOLE TRAINING. TRAINIGN TO BECOME AN ASSHOLE. A STUPID ASSHOLE. TRAINING TO BECOME A STUPID ASSHOLE.

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Steph: Who's the anime pop star with the blue hair again?

Ruth: Mitski.