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Head: hurts

Acid: reflux

Can’t: sleep

Can’t do shit to make me feel better

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I love attempting to diagnose what problem is fucking me up at some particular time

Did I sleep too little or too much? Did I not move around enough or did I not drink enough water? Is it because I had too much screen time or because of a big test coming up? Is it my crappy eating habits? Did I take my pills? Are they working? Have I not showered enough? Have I had too much downtime or not enough? Am I burnt out? Am I freezing because I’m afraid of reaching burnout? Did I not socialize enough? Did I do too much? Are past regrets haunting me? Is it my birthday? Is it the realization that I’ve always hated my birthday? Is it trying to work through that with my therapist and consequently breaking down? Is it coming to a resolve that I’ll be ok and I can be excited for my birthday but then already days in advance I break down again at the tiniest hint that once again expectations will not be met or that some trauma will come from yet another birthday? Is it guilt for having such stupid problems? Is it hating myself for having so many opportunities and resources and more support than some people and failing to take advantage of the things I know I’m incredibly lucky to have? Is it loathing myself and everything I do or don’t do?

What is it?

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Throwback Thursday to the time my coworker brought their fwb to our Friday night hang and as soon as another coworker asked me what I thought of them I ran to the bathroom burst into tears and threw up

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My coworker friend has asked me a couple times if I’m bi. Which I understand because I know I can give off a vibe of that based on what I say, do and present myself as.

And when she first asked me I was kind of thrilled? I was like oh! I’ve been thinking about it recently and I don’t really know what I believe at myself at the moment but it was nice to talk to someone about it.

But then the other night we went out as a group and I guess she had asked me again (which I don’t remember because I had had a good amount to drink) and apparently I said yes.

I didn’t know that until she mentioned it the next day. Which I find interesting, one because I don’t know, but I do know what’s possible at the moment and one of the things not possible is being in relationship with a woman, so I don’t have the space really to seriously consider that.

So when she talked about it more I felt rather uneasy? I’m not sure how to describe it but I kind of got afraid because I find a lot of power in some words and how things are said and a label like bi is not something I’m ready for, partly because I don’t know what that word fully means to me or the wider world yet.

And like I’m very thankful she was supportive but also It almost felt like being put in a spotlight when you don’t even know all the words to the song yet or even if you should be in the spotlight or in the backup band.

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“10 things I learned when he left me. 1. Smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day won’t numb the pain. 2. Your friends will do anything to distract you but the only thing you’ll be thinking about is him. 3. Checking if he’s online all the time will only remind you that he will never call again. 4. Don’t listen to music for a while because every damn song will remind you of him. 5. Kissing strangers won’t fill the hole he left in you. 6. Being drunk almost everyday won’t help you forget him. 7. Seeing him with someone else will make you wanna throw up. But you’ll turn around and act like you didn’t see him holding her hand, because it’s been almost 7 months and people expect you to be over it by now. 8. Hearing someone say his name will make you ache. 9. You’ll want to scream when you see how pretty she is. 10. Blocking his number and deleting every picture of him won’t help you forget what happened and how much you loved him.”

— 10 things I learned when he left me // 21.12.2015 (via written-on-polaroids)

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Forgot I’m completely straight to my coworkers and the other day I said “what’s the point if your boyfriend can’t be a little twink?”

And they all just looked at me like

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I do love this site and it has, in all honesty, done a lot for me. First in helping me understand I’m not alone in any aspect. But I’m most thankful that through it I’ve learned to be a better person. I’m not perfect by any means and this is not a post saying that everything on this site is fool proof or perfect and that you can take everything at face value without understanding real world applications and implications. BUT i am saying that coming from a limited community where it’s made up of a lot of people that believe the same things, this website has given me an opportunity to see outside my bubble.

It was not immediate and I’m still working on a lot and I’m ashamed of some of the things I still instinctively do but I am so incredibly thankful that I’ve made it this far because I see what I could have been and I’m horrified.

Anyway. To anyone that was a single drop on the stone, thank you. I could tell so many stories of little (and some big) times my view has shifted ever so slightly but I know that even the times I’m not aware I am thankful.

Of course I’m also thankful that I’ve learned to think critically in all situations, even if it seems immediately good or immediately bad I need to take a step back and not take it at face value without further inspection. It’s saved me a lot

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I can’t believe it was nearly a year since I posted to this blog/even reblogged anything since like a month ago. Really it’s just I don’t want to post it to my main and I don’t think anyone follows this so it’s just my void to scream to

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Nearly lost my voice screaming angry about my crush. Didn’t loose it but now I sound like either I smoke 8 packs a day or as my coworker lovingly put “I’m transitioning”

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They’re already very high tho so idk what else I can expect than perfection and that is impractical and impossible to expect (esp for someone like me lol)

Fuck men I love them but also they’re sometimes the worst

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Maybe I need to raise my standards

Fuck men I love them but also they’re sometimes the worst

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Fuck men I love them but also they’re sometimes the worst

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If I’m not supposed to like villainous characters why are they always the best dressed 

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Clueless (1995)

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Kenneth Branagh costumes [2/?] → Hamlet’s black military uniform (+ shorter jacket variation) in Hamlet (1996)

“Branagh’s Hamlet is conceived as a soldier. When we first encounter him, he is dressed in a trim black military uniform, in stunning contrast to the white and gold glitter of Claudius and his court. […] Branagh’s Hamlet is distinguished by having taken his cue from Fortinbras’s final pronouncement that he should have a soldier’s funeral, for had he been “put on” he should have proved “most royal.” Branagh’s Hamlet, like his military uniform, is neat, trim, precise. He has a racing mind and a keen wit. He is interested in fencing lessons taking place at the court, and one can believe this Hamlet when he boasts to Horatio that “I shall win at the odds” in the match with Laertes. If he has a dark side, it is his military alter ego: Rufus Sewell’s Fortinbras.“ - Samuel Crowl, Shakespeare at the Cineplex: The Kenneth Branagh Era

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Tom walked to her apartment, intoxicated by the promise of the evening. He believed that this time, his expectations would align with reality. (500) Days of Summer (2009) dir. Marc Webb