icannotfeelanything

[icannotfeelanything]

So my friend texted me a little over an hour ago and I didn’t see it. But I think she’s engaged now

I should be happy, yeah?

Why do I feel sad

Kinda empty

I think partly bc we haven’t been that close lately. And I think I’m sad for her? Not bc of her new fiance, he’s cool and I like him. But I think bc a lot of the fun things about weddings (the Event, not the actual marriage to a person you love ofc) are about doing stuff with your friends and I just wonder how lonely that’ll be for them?

I mean both of them probably but mostly for her. He can get away with it like only having a few friends in town bc he still might have some good friends from back home or whatever.

But she’s.. home still. And she hasn’t made many new friends but she hasn’t kept many of her old friends either. Even me, who id say is her best friend, at least in high school we were, is distant (a mutual problem, I don’t think either of us is solely responsible)

Maybe I’m projecting because a big fear of mine is to get married and realize I have no friends to ask to be bridesmaids. Bc I think I could scrounge up people to be guests but not that I’d want next to me.

But anyway

I hope it all turns out well for her

And I hope she reaches out more

Idk

[icannotfeelanything]

Ok I’ll be honest

I didn’t realize some people shave EVERYTHING down there. Like I think I never thought about how some people had no hair down there and only thought that was something only models or whatever did

But like I was talking to my friend and she said she shaves everything down there! And honestly it made me sad

Not bc I have any stake in whether she has bush or not lol but bc she’s cool and more feminist ish I think and I didn’t ask but I just wanted to ask her like … does she want to shave down there or is it something she does bc she thinks she has to?

I hate shaving bc my skin hates me for it 7 out of 10 times and I’m miserable for a week after and it just looks bad. But! I do enjoy being occasionally hair free bc it feels good when it goes well

Anyway I’m very thankful for this site and anyone who has made posts pro-bush bc I still feel a lot of (indirect) pressure from people to shave a certain way and I like to reassure myself that listen if someone I sleep with doesn’t like my bush then screw them bc I can find a hot butch who does! Or literally so many other people

[icannotfeelanything]

So we were making out and he lightly choked me and !!! Oh my god

I don’t think I’m into like full choking (not to mention I’d only want to try it if we were both educated on how to do it safely) like I like my breath

But i think it was so hot bc like.. he could 👀

[icannotfeelanything]

Why is it horrible on dating app?

I’m in the middle of nowhere and it’s all guys out of my (preferable) age range or hard republicans

And I opened my profile to women too and it’s all gorgeous women that like I don’t have a chance with??? Or at least I don’t think I do bc listen

I’m not particularly butch or femme. People I have said I look like a lesbian but like I don’t think I look like one enough? This is so stupid

I’m probably too much in my head

But like she’s gorgeous and I’m imagining me next to her and it doesn’t work 😭 man I hate it here

[icannotfeelanything]

WOW GUESS ITS TIME TO PLAY::

WHY AM I CRYING NOW?

Is it:

a) I’m going to start my period

b) I’m sexually frustrated

c) I missed a day of my depression medication

d) I feel a really strong sad connection to a stranger who’s post sounded so much like I could’ve wrote it that I want to cry with them (even if they’re not crying)

:)))

Who tf knows

[icannotfeelanything]

its so windy my poor poor chickens are being blown around like dry leafs they look like this

[icannotfeelanything]

Not that any of you care but I’ve had several strange dreams about the person I’m seeing (? Idk what it is) rn

They are conflicting and confounding and tho I don’t take much stock in dream prediction or whatnot their reflection of my mind concerns me. So

The best was a dream where he mentioned his ex bf. This is great ! Yay he’s bi or something or at the very least has done some introspection.

The rest however… are all borderline nightmares where we fight about various things, including but not limited to LGBTQ+ topics, abortion, insurance (???), and government

Here’s the deal I’m afraid he’s republican and if I confirm this I’ll break it off (I’m trying to play the ignorance is bliss card rn since it’s not that serious but I know I should just get it over with but I digress) but also I’m hoping maaaaaybe he’s middle and I could sway him to the left. Bc listen he saw me and another girl make out at a party at his house ! (At least I think he saw that, he def saw us do other flirty shit tho) and he still asked me out later so maaaaybe (if he’s not clueless) maybe he knows I’ll go both ways and I won’t tolerate any stupid comments regarding the queer community

Anyway those are my thoughts atm tbd

[icannotfeelanything]

Dammit he’s such a little baby. Like part of the joke is being fake mad at each other

Do I need to start using tone indicators or whatever so he knows I’m not actually fucking mad even tho I already used lol or haha each time??

Like “lmao fuck you /sarcasm /joking /imnotmad”

[icannotfeelanything]

Was playing Mario kart at a party and was on a couch with a guy who eventually laid down and put his head in my lap. Now listen I’m shit at Mario kart already but when he finished a race he’d very gently run his fingers over the top of my thigh, I’m just going to say as someone who’s been touch starved for 20 years, it did not help my performance in the race

[icannotfeelanything]

Ok so she may have kissed me the other day, not nearly as hot but thank goodness I got that out of my system

Does she know how hot it was to feed me a shot and call me a good girl? Does she also know how mean it was? Like the torture of getting a taste but not being able to get full from it

[icannotfeelanything]

Does she know how hot it was to feed me a shot and call me a good girl? Does she also know how mean it was? Like the torture of getting a taste but not being able to get full from it

[icannotfeelanything]

Testing things

[icannotfeelanything]

Head: hurts

Acid: reflux

Can’t: sleep

Can’t do shit to make me feel better

[icannotfeelanything]

I love attempting to diagnose what problem is fucking me up at some particular time

Did I sleep too little or too much? Did I not move around enough or did I not drink enough water? Is it because I had too much screen time or because of a big test coming up? Is it my crappy eating habits? Did I take my pills? Are they working? Have I not showered enough? Have I had too much downtime or not enough? Am I burnt out? Am I freezing because I’m afraid of reaching burnout? Did I not socialize enough? Did I do too much? Are past regrets haunting me? Is it my birthday? Is it the realization that I’ve always hated my birthday? Is it trying to work through that with my therapist and consequently breaking down? Is it coming to a resolve that I’ll be ok and I can be excited for my birthday but then already days in advance I break down again at the tiniest hint that once again expectations will not be met or that some trauma will come from yet another birthday? Is it guilt for having such stupid problems? Is it hating myself for having so many opportunities and resources and more support than some people and failing to take advantage of the things I know I’m incredibly lucky to have? Is it loathing myself and everything I do or don’t do?

What is it?

[icannotfeelanything]

Throwback Thursday to the time my coworker brought their fwb to our Friday night hang and as soon as another coworker asked me what I thought of them I ran to the bathroom burst into tears and threw up

[icannotfeelanything]

My coworker friend has asked me a couple times if I’m bi. Which I understand because I know I can give off a vibe of that based on what I say, do and present myself as.

And when she first asked me I was kind of thrilled? I was like oh! I’ve been thinking about it recently and I don’t really know what I believe at myself at the moment but it was nice to talk to someone about it.

But then the other night we went out as a group and I guess she had asked me again (which I don’t remember because I had had a good amount to drink) and apparently I said yes.

I didn’t know that until she mentioned it the next day. Which I find interesting, one because I don’t know, but I do know what’s possible at the moment and one of the things not possible is being in relationship with a woman, so I don’t have the space really to seriously consider that.

So when she talked about it more I felt rather uneasy? I’m not sure how to describe it but I kind of got afraid because I find a lot of power in some words and how things are said and a label like bi is not something I’m ready for, partly because I don’t know what that word fully means to me or the wider world yet.

And like I’m very thankful she was supportive but also It almost felt like being put in a spotlight when you don’t even know all the words to the song yet or even if you should be in the spotlight or in the backup band.

[icannotfeelanything]

“10 things I learned when he left me. 1. Smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day won’t numb the pain. 2. Your friends will do anything to distract you but the only thing you’ll be thinking about is him. 3. Checking if he’s online all the time will only remind you that he will never call again. 4. Don’t listen to music for a while because every damn song will remind you of him. 5. Kissing strangers won’t fill the hole he left in you. 6. Being drunk almost everyday won’t help you forget him. 7. Seeing him with someone else will make you wanna throw up. But you’ll turn around and act like you didn’t see him holding her hand, because it’s been almost 7 months and people expect you to be over it by now. 8. Hearing someone say his name will make you ache. 9. You’ll want to scream when you see how pretty she is. 10. Blocking his number and deleting every picture of him won’t help you forget what happened and how much you loved him.”

— 10 things I learned when he left me // 21.12.2015 (via written-on-polaroids)