hetastates

[hetastates]

Western Wednesday except posted on a Thursday

How each (Western) state acts when they get the wrong order at the drive through.

Alaska: Pretty sure this guy sources a lot of the food that is served in the drive through to begin with. Despite this, that doesn’t actually have any effect on how he behaves when he clearly ordered an elk burger and you give him a Fillet o Fish. This isn’t even a McDonald's — how and WHY are they giving him a Fillet o Fish? Now, let’s be real here, being that far up North will mess anybody up, and being that far away from the rest of your country means that a lot of hatred and Karenage is stored up and bottled inside oneself. And that’s exactly what Alaska does — he just grumbles and drive away, possibly while the food is still in the employee's hand. Will he say or do anything about it? No. Will he write a one star review on Yelp? Also no. You’d best believe that he’ll hold that grudge forever — and probably mutter something about this is why he doesn’t go to fast food places.

California: People may think that just because she’s rich means she doesn’t really work hard, but this is not the case. When she’s not actively on set, she works in various state parks. She loves animals. This job is very laborious, and when Cali gets off work, she’s famished. Oftentimes she’s too tired to really correct an employee if they pen down the wrong order. It doesn’t stop there, though — of course it doesn’t. California is vocal. California is loud. She will devour the entire wrong meal, not even once questioning how she was served a Fillet o Fish when it clearly is not McDonald’s, and then, after the very last bite, after she’s licked her fingers clean, she will go up to the register and unleash the wrath of a thousand grizzlies about how this was NOT her order. "But you ate the whole thing" has no gravity in this situation. Do you know who California is?! Yeah, she’s annoying, okay, she’ll give you that, but will you be able to function without California? Don’t mess with California. She’s larger than life. And you? You’re just an incompetent speck of dust who gave her a FILLET O FISH!

Colorado: Dude, does he even notice? Pretty sure that altitude sickness got to him. He didn’t even drive himself here. No, he got an Uber. He doesn’t even question the fact that he went to a drive through vegan bakery and they sold him a Fillet o Fish that was purple. He can hardly taste the difference. Despite the way Colorado behaves, he is completely sober, but living on the mountains for so long, well, he’s, by default, high. This is some good food, though. Would you like a free coupon? He collects coupons for things he'll never use. It’s his love language, and he loves you so much. You’re so awesome, did you know that? You’re, like, a star. You’re, like, Vega.

Hawaii: Hawaii is the epitome of someone who is sensible and a normal human being. She knows how to party — oh, she KNOWS HOW to party — but in day to day interactions she is the person we all should be but no one actually is. She is the one who says, "Oh, excuse me but I think you mixed up my order" and she waits there calmly for the issue to be sorted out. How did Hawaii ever get so normal? No wonder she’s slowly drifting away from the chaos empire, a few inches annually.

Idaho: Like Hawaii, Idaho is chill. Idaho's a farmer. Idaho honestly doesn’t have the energy to complain. All food is good food, after all. She’ll eat whatever is given to her. She came here specifically so that she didn’t have to cook tonight — she doesn’t care WHAT you give her. Yeah, so she ordered Mountain Dew but you COULD give her dirty mop water. She won’t complain. Unless. Unless you give her a potato meal. Do you think this is funny? Like some kind of joke? Ha, ha, Idaho is a potato farmer, VERY funny, HILARIOUS, BRAVO, do you realise how you come across when you do that? You know, wise guy, BACK IN HER DAY when people made a stupid practical joke—

Montana: It depends on the nature of the mix up. If what she ordered was more expensive than what she got, she'll go up to the front, stern but not impolite, and fix the mistake. She'll circle that Toyota Tundra into the parking lot and walk into the store and wait. However, this does not apply if she’s getting a discount. Did she pay for chicken nuggets and receive a whole rack of baby back ribs? Well dang, guess it’s her lucky day or something! Maybe she should try the lottery! In the long run, Montana doesn’t care all too much about her food — as long as it’s filling and not made of pure sugar, she’ll be happy. Montana is in it for the money. And she goes out once in awhile so that people stop making fun of how cheap she is. She’s not cheap, dang it, she’s frugal!

Nevada: Nevada is strange. When it’s just him, he’s a very chill guy. When it’s him and literally anyone else, whether it be him and a girlfriend, him and a coworker, him and the guy across the street, he can get really uptight and confrontational in an attempt to impress and to come across as something of a macho man. His love for music, geekiness for cinema, and green thumb (as well as his ability to survive 290 days in the desert on a vegan diet — he would never back down from a dare) are really what make him macho and manly, but for some odd reason Nevada thinks that people will be completely wowed if he screams in a fast food worker's face about how he got the 6 pack and not the 4 pack and how he wanted HONEY MUSTARD WITH HIS CHICKEN NUGGIES >:(. It’s like he’s a completely different person when others are around.

Oregon: …. …. … If you don’t understand why he’s sitting there glaring at you as if he’s trying to activate some magical eyeball lasers to completely disintegrate you, then eventually he’ll just drive away, still coldly staring at you through the side mirror of his car. Oregon has a weird way of expressing his emotions which, for the most part, involves menacing stares. He looks like a guy who thinks he’s in an emotional music video but in reality he just looks like Hannibal Lecter got caught drunk driving during a downpour and doesn’t know how to operate his windshield wipers.

Utah: She doesn’t even tell employees that they mixed up her order; she just asks to confirm the ingredients in the wrong order are okay for her to eat. If she wants chicken nuggets and she’s given a Fillet o Fish, she’ll double check to make sure it was made in non-alcoholic batter and that it doesn’t contain caffeine. She could just say "Excuse me, I think you gave me the wrong order, I ordered chicken nuggets" and it would probably be faster and less burdensome than what she actually does. She doesn’t want to come across as mean — and she doesn’t. She comes across as paranoid.

Washington: WASHINGTON is the kind of guy that would go full Karen at a fast food restaurant. He would pound on the drive thru window — in fact, he would climb through it, get stuck, and require police and fire services to pull him out. He’s done this on multiple occasions. No one is quite sure what goes on in Washington for a man to behave like this, but this man clearly ordered a six piece chicken nugget meal. The amount of bad reviews this guy has given is astronomical — and these are long and detailed, too. Washington doesn’t speak to the manager. Ironically, even the mention of a manager is enough to send him running. He just wants his nuggets, man. Why’d you do him dirty like this?

Wyoming: Another sensible being (rare to find on this planet earth), like Hawaii, Wyoming doesn’t really ever want to cause a scene. She prioritises her time above all, and returning a mixed up order would just be a pain in the rear that she doesn’t want to deal with. Something about the bureaucracy and the red tape — at KFC. Whatever that means. She'll glance at her order, knowing very well that this is not what she wanted, and begrudgingly mutter, "Okay, whatever" before leaving. Whether or not she'll be back is debatable. Wyoming does not like to make a big deal out of things. In fact, one of the things that angers her most is when others make a big deal out of things. Anything that can be okay whatevered SHOULD be okay whatevered.

[hetastates]

Midwest Monday!

How each (Midwestern) state responds to scam calls

Illinois: Abruptly hanging up the phone. He doesn’t have time, patience, energy, or will to deal with this. As a kid he might have played along, giving a fake name like "Mr. Hugh Wang-Kerr"; as a teen he would have made threats to the spammer, but as an adult he likes to keep the line free for business opportunities and ladies in strapless dresses (for some reason, though, they never keep the line free for him…)

Indiana: Specifically answers to say "what do you want" and hangs up. Sometimes does this while driving. It’s quite concerning to those who share the road with her. Everyone wonders why she picks up if she knows she’s going to be hanging up within two seconds, but nobody has ever asked her directly why she does this. Indiana's response to scammers is an enigma and— INDI KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!

Iowa: WHAT? HUH?! He'll call you back, he says — and by that he means meet him at the Flying J later if you have something to say to him. He might be a strapping and toned young man — the type you’d think is attractive until you get close enough to smell that True Farmer Boy Whiff — but he’s an old boomer in terms of technology. He owns a LG 5450 for "business calls" and an iPhone 5 because his friends begged him to get a real phone, yet his monthly screen time is about forty two seconds.

Kansas: How do these people keep getting her number? She once took her grievances directly to the cell phone tower, but that wasn’t resolved the way she wanted it to be resolved. Kansas has a very communal way of fixing her scam call woes: If there’s anyone around her in the vicinity, she’s all up in their face. "Hey, do you know anything about how to get rid of these dang calls? Is there, like, a button I press or somethin'?" Oklahoma once told her to chuck it into a tornado. They haven’t spoken as of late.

Michigan: Are you calling about getting your car fixed by him? He’s told you a thousand times, these new cars and their computers have got to go. Oh, you’re not? Well, why are you bothering him? "We've called you about your car's extended warranty—" Oh have you? Have you now? Nah. He’s not buying it. Get off the line right this second or else he'll reach so far under your hood that you’ll be seeing via LIDAR until Teslas are reliable.

Minnesota: Poor Minnesota, easily flustered and not one to Karen around. Half the time, she’s not sure if it’s a scam call of if it’s genuine, and she doesn’t want to be too quick to judge. She'll sit there on the line for a couple of minutes to really gauge the situation, adding in a few "uh-huhs" and "mmms" until the time is right. Then — ope! There’s someone at the door! — or, — ope! My casserole is ready". Half the time, it’s not even a lie!

Missouri: The good thing about Missouri is that he likes good, cheap, reliable things — cell phones included. He has a Sonim XP8, meaning that every time a scammer (and this extends to tax collectors, insurance agents, and Oklahoma — "Seriously, Okie, go bother someone else!" —) gives him a ring, he just throws his phone at the nearest wall and picks it up after it’s stopped ringing. Concerned? Don’t be. The Sonim is designed for that type of treatment. There’s no point in buying something if you can’t huck it.

Nebraska: When she got her first scam call, Nebraska was quite surprised — she was under the impression that this sort of thing would never happen to her! She ushered over Minnesota, who begged her to be kind (oh, Minnesota — the trouble you go through), but Nebraska had heard too much about funny responses to scammers and wanted to try some out on her own. From inventing fake and morbid businesses to pretending to be in the mafia, Nebraska has demonstrated quite the creative streak when it comes to answering scam calls.

North Dakota: He doesn’t give much thought to the matter. He barely answers these calls. Sometimes it’s a one word "no" or a two word "go away", but NoDak works in silence when it comes to scam calls. Why give it time or energy?

Ohio: Aww, yeah! It’s his time to shine! He acts as though he’s in a Broadway musical or an award-winning Hollywood hit. He doesn’t want the fame and fortune that this career demands — no, he just wants the feeling of pride and superiority he gets from completely destroying the competition. He’s mustered up some quite imaginative responses to scam calls, and has concerned quite a few of the callers. His insurance company isn’t too happy with him, because he took it a step further and started doing it to them, too. Good thing they’ve got a lawyer…

South Dakota: Like Ohio and Nebraska, he has quite the enthusiasm to answer in funny and offbeat ways, but unfortunately, he’s got a brother to the north to put some sense into him. "No, SoDak, don’t answer the phone." "No, you’re not being stupid today." Dang it, NoDak, why do you have to steal his thunder? Can’t a state do anything fun? Saying funny things to scam callers isn’t even illegal this time!

Wisconsin: What's that? Wisconsin, pick up the phone! Or is she busy again, screaming over some sports game. What game could she even be this enthusiastic over? Does she even have any major sports teams? Regardless, that phone is not getting answered in a timely manner. Does she even hear it? Wisconsin? Wisconsin, we've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty! Wisconsin! Wisconsin! Nothing. Damn.

[hetastates]

Southwest Sunday!

What each (Southwest) state would be doing on a Random Night in the middle of July

Arizona: Nobody knows. Nobody has heard from Arizona in many days. Arizona has, long ago, gone off the grid, presumed to be roaming the desert somewhere. She'll resurface one of these days, fingers crossed. She was last seen walking at night on Highway 179 just outside Sedona. There was little concern because she does this pretty much annually.

New Mexico: To just about seven people's surprise, definitely not alien hunting. There are too many UFOs in the dang state anyway. It’s all tourist stuff, in her opinion. She’s sitting on her floor, most likely, because it's nice and chilly there. The curtains are drawn so as to not let in the sun. And no (and don’t ask her again), she’s not doing anything Breaking Bad-y. She may or may not garden later — depends if her flowers are going to get stolen again.

Oklahoma: (Hopefully) seeing the very last of the tornadoes this year. Most definitely complaining about how hot it is — and wearing a pair of jeans and possibly even a jean jacket all the same. For the billionth time, he’s "trying" to barbecue corn, despite having already perfected it ages ago. Year-round he claims that he doesn’t cook, but he’s been reprimanded multiple times for being "too busy grilling" to come into work.

Texas: Honestly, what is Texas not doing? Just last night he was hauled off by a state trooper because he was found poking out the tires of an F-150 with a barbecue skewer in a Whataburger parking lot (coincidentally, right across the street from Denny's — of course). When asked "Don’t you love F-150s?" he responded with, "Not when they’re more lifted than mine." His bail can be found at goddammittexasnotagain .com.