hashbrownsnow
hash browns now
21 posts
Musings and amusings from a 20-something lass trying to breach life's impasse, one observation at a time. Also I would like a hash brown asap. Thank you.
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hashbrownsnow · 6 years ago
Video
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Clip from “Why I Left Buzzfeed” (2018)
Written and Directed by Allyson Kloster
https://vimeo.com/283339849
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hashbrownsnow · 6 years ago
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“Why I Left Buzzfeed” (2018) 
Written and Directed by Allyson Kloster
https://vimeo.com/283339849
0 notes
hashbrownsnow · 6 years ago
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Stills from “Why I Left Buzzfeed” (2018)
Written and Directed by Allyson Kloster
https://vimeo.com/groups/543240/videos/283339849
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hashbrownsnow · 7 years ago
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Netflix & Kill [2017]
https://vimeo.com/238966569
Written and directed by Allyson Kloster
Starring Tessa D. Davis, Colt Egelston, Jessica Jones, Allyson Kloster, Leslie Martinez, Kelsey Osborne, Derek Scully
Edited by Cara Smiczek
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hashbrownsnow · 7 years ago
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Netflix & Kill [2017]
https://vimeo.com/238966569
Written and Directed by Allyson Kloster
Starring Tessa D. Davis, Colt Egelston, Jessica Jones, Allyson Kloster, Leslie Martinez, Kelsey Osborne, Derek Scully
Edited by Cara Smiczek
0 notes
hashbrownsnow · 8 years ago
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TSA Weirdo [2017]
https://vimeo.com/223909134
Written and directed by Allyson Kloster
Starring Colt Egelston, Leslie Martinez, Jessica Jones
Edited by Cara Smiczek
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hashbrownsnow · 8 years ago
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Just a slice of my mind whenever I go home and visit my family
You are complicit. 
  I say I don’t want to talk
I scream to get you to go
To leave me alone
“It’s what the liberals do”
WHAT’S THAT
It’s how they control the narrative
I WASN’T TRYING TO HAVE A NARRATIVE
So in order to not let you say point-blank that all Muslims identify as a “RELIGION OF WAR,” I have to enter into a narrative?
I can’t simply say, well not all Muslims are like that
WELL THE NON-PRACTICING ONES YOU’RE RIGHT
WELLL… I know a few practicing ones. And -
**** FROM THE OTHER ROOM ****
“Do you even know one?”
Says the WHITEST WHITE BREAD MAN I KNOW
UM YES IF YOU HEARD ME, I SAID I KNOW A FEW
Gosh, this is the reason I constantly scan a room for color
This is why white liberals are constantly trying to count how many black hispanic asian antarctican anything but white friends they have
BECAUSE WE ARE ASKED TO CONSTANTLY COUNT
not by THE BLACKS
not by THE MINORITIES
BYYYY YOOOOOOOUUUUUU
YOU ASK ME TO COUNT
TO VALIDATE MY CLAIM
AND WHEN I SAY, YES ONE FRIEND WHO IS PRACTICING POSTS ABOUT SEXISM EVEN IN HER LIBERAL COMMUNITY, SO I AM ACTUALLY AGREEING W YOU MORE THAN DISAGREEING SO BACK OFF,
I get a jackass comment trying to invalidate anything I have said (because I did just say something; you chose not to listen) and will say
THAT is why I need to leave
That is why I choose to not partake
You were sitting on your FANNY ASS on your phone
You chose to tap out when I needed to talk about mom and I
You chose to take a back seat
“I only wanted to tell you that one thing”
And that’s it
Wipe your hands clean
Of any emotional responsibility
That surely explains all your problems
But…. you don’t have any problems
Your problems are because of THE MINORITIES TRYING TO TAKE YOU DOWN
Surely not anything of your doing
You came in the kitchen to “get your medicine ready” 
HAHAHAHAHAH SURE
Just happened to be as soon as you heard the words “Muslim” and “women”
  and mom
you heard him
you heard him say it
under his breath
under his eye
you heard him
you definitely heard him
if not consciously, you did
you are the first, second, third and last to tell him to butt out
so why didn’t you then?
i don’t care how calmly you think you’re having a conversation
you and i both know that when we talk about these things - especially after having had such a fight - and especially with his abrasive presence - we are two beats away from volcanic activity 
so why not remove the sulfur from the equation entirely
let him outside for a smoke
  You wanted him there
Two on one
I don’t care about your intentions
It still feels 
and is
and will always be 
in this family
two on one
three on one
four on one
God forbid, six one one
then seven
eight
let’s breed ‘em pure
as my pie piece gets smaller and smaller and further and further
and i don’t want to come home anymore
THAT is why I don’t want to talk politics
or anything that will LEAD to politics
If you find yourself prefacing with, “This isn’t about politics,” it is. It is without a doubt about politics. 
Because one way or the other, it will find itself there
With a classic
“Well, I know you’re a feminist”
Transition
Hoping it will excuse 
What you’re about to say next
When it doesn’t.
It’s actually you, 
Trying to coax me 
Into silence
So I have to be like, “Well… I am feminist, so I guess I agree with that!”
That is not an olive branch
That is your way
Of making a political statement. 
  I am not stupid. 
But I AM easily angered. 
I AM easily flustered. 
I am not articulate in those off-guard moments. And you know it. 
I wish I wasn’t
I wish I knew what to say to both cool things down and defend myself
But I can’t 
In the moment
I know this won’t make things better for you
But they do for me
And that’s fine 
Because at least I will have had my peace
Since I am robbed of it constantly here
Sure, I guess I rob you of it too
I could easily just let you say what you want to say
I could easily be like, “no comment” when you say all Muslims love war
But I can’t
That’s not in my DNA either
Remember, 
We are more similar than we are
Different
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hashbrownsnow · 8 years ago
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Minotaur knew what was up
Sometimes when you try to escape, you end up right back where you started. We live as the minotaur does, in the center of a swirling mess. Can we blame him for being so angry? All these people trolloping around as though they’re going to actually escape. Fools. Foolish fools. It’s the same and you’re the same and everything is every thing that ever thinged. We are but foolish mortals living about and out, never stopping to realize we are trapped in the middle of a vast sea of flavorless substance. We can’t nourish ourselves by jumping ship, so the only thing keeping us going forward is the prospect of leaving, the illusion of motion, the irreality of reality. Make the best of that, friends. And you will escape.
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hashbrownsnow · 8 years ago
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1.
Junior year homecoming was the last homecoming i went to. I ditched my nice-guy date and giggled w a girl a year younger than me who i didn't know that well. She was brash and funny, and when we ended up in the girls locker room in our dresses i told her i thought this other girl was gay. The girl had one of those super intense gazes, had a weird but confident gait and didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought. Divulging this in excited whispers to a new friend - someone who encouraged me to follow my gut and flee the dance floor for our own adventure - brought me alive. 
But I hadn’t realized that my high would cost several other people theirs. After the dance, Nice Guy only talked to me with shielded eyes and Intense Gaze, well. She followed me to my math class and called me out during the passing period. Didn't even wait till after school so she could discretely discuss things. She just point-blank, for anyone to hear, asked if I told her friend I was gay. 
Her friend. Not mine. Hers.
There I had been, finally feeling like a teenager, gabbing with a peer like I was Rosie O’Donnell and had just been told that I didn’t have to fake a crush on Tom Cruise anymore. But then, unbeknownst to me, that convo was being recorded and sent to TMZ.
I was the asshole. The stuttering asshole. The I-gotta-go-to-math-but-I-uh-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about asshole. The asshole who marveled at how confident Intense Gaze was despite having been falsely outed. The one who would never talk with another soul about this again or even give it any conscious thought herself. Who would take five more years to come out. Who is now wondering if things would’ve gone differently if she had the right person in the locker room to talk to. Or if she had the guts to keep sniffing around regardless.
The next year I bought a Homecoming dress but chose not to go one hour before meeting up with my friends. I stayed home with my mom and dad and watched TV. It was the best decision I ever made. And the worst. 
And I’m glad for that. 
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hashbrownsnow · 8 years ago
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Between chapters.
How do you write comedy when you’re not able to laugh at anything?
How do you write truly if you feel like a fraud?
How do you have something to say if you feel like you’re missing the point?
How do you find the point if you don’t see anything but a large, flat expanse of blah blarg blargety blarg blargensteinschnitzel?
How do you look into the meadowless meadow and see life?
How do you find life if you feel trapped inside?
How do you get out of the trap when you’re handed a how-to book but find it boring and long to read?
How do you live with yourself when you complain so much despite having the answers?
How do you trust that those are really the answers?
How do you even know that answers are the point of questions?
How do you pose questions you know might never be answered even though you consciously know the whole point of them is that they’re not supposed to be answered so why do you keep trying to answer and ask and figure out when you know ya dum dum it ain’t gonna happen?
How do you become productive despite not knowing what you’re supposed to do?
How do you train yourself to be your own boss if you’ve never had anyone push you before?
How do you trust yourself if you’ve never been entrusted with anything?
How do you say what you feel in your bones?
How do you release the feelings without exploding?
How do you explode?
Healthily?
How do you let it all out, like a puss-filled pimple?
How do you stop the jitters?
How do you work through the jitters?
How do you embrace the transitions and all they represent?
What happens between chapters and why is it so scary?
What happens between chapters?
If you never figure out what happens between chapters, can you really go on to the next one?
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hashbrownsnow · 9 years ago
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dreamer
When i was a kid,
i used to imagine myself playing two-against-2 basketball
Brad Pitt was on my team
we were playing a charity event
he was really cool
I led the team, since i was in the WNBA and all
When I was a kid,
i cast Julia Stiles as my older sister in a movie about three sisters
Everclear’s “Wonderful” was the song they’d play during the trailer
I’d be the third sister to turn my face to the camera,
sad
We’d all stare at the fallen leaves in the front yard
from different windows,
sad
When I was a kid, 
I used to bring a boom box into the bathroom and listen to 101.9 The Mix
And 102.3, if reception was good
It was soft rock and cool rock and pop 
all the stuff no one could know i listened to
all they could know was that i liked the CD’s dad played, and i hated
Anything from the ‘80s
I would turn the music down whenever someone walked 
up the stairs
or down the hallway
i would talk to myself so they wouldn't hear,
Rather be thought weird than a girl who needs music
her own music
When i was a kid, i would do sit-ups in bed
but they weren’t really sit-ups, since my mattress was so bouncy it required minimal abdominal strength
i felt strong though 
When I was a kid, i would do this weird thing with my stomach,
jiggle it around to hear it gurgle like a water bed
i thought it was so cool
When i was a kid, I would pray every night
but it wasn't what prayer is supposed to feel like now
It was just me and God talking
i would tell him about my day
it was great
When i was a kid, i didn't understand why all the girls had crushes on boys
When I was a kid, i liked dressing in my dad’s boy scout uniform. olive green.
When i was a kid, i loved climbing things. I was a billy goat
My mom told me so
I was a kid
somewhere along the line
i stopped being a kid
i started listening to people when they said 
to talk more
to be practical
aware
realistic
lady-like
quieter 
bolder 
less self-conscious 
more confident
i got confused
washed out,
but not lost
i always trusted the undercurrent.
i am so so so thankful
beyond thankful
that i have kept it in me
my kid-ness
my kindness
i am so blessed
to have not gotten it ripped from me
beaten out of me
burned
to a crisp
i am so blessed to have gone through hardships
but kept it
to have been more than graced
to have been pressed into
my dreaming has been pressed into me
and i can't shake it
i don't want to
i like this brand
i am fine with mooing 
if it means i get to wander around a pasture
an open pasture
with stale, tawny grass
i’d rather that than a beautiful, lush plot of four yards
idk what this all means
except that I'm fine
I'm happy
God damn blessed
by God
thank you. even though it’d sure be a lot easier to not give a shit.
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hashbrownsnow · 10 years ago
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Mrs. P.
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hashbrownsnow · 10 years ago
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it’s been a while but not much has happened but actually maybe some stuff inside me did
I have a mustache
I am gaining back the weight
I have no clean laundry
These shorts are old and drop and 
Mustard only looks good on black people
My phone is old and bulky and 
You can tell that by how it looks in my back pocket
Sagging down
This shirt looks like 8th grade, closeted me 
with its sequins and 
Disney flair
I rub the skin of tummy and 
It feels fat again
I hate how everyone seems to be working a job,
A job they love
Even the cleaning lady has a halo, a spring to her step, not worrying about the next few hours.
I am so lost
and confused
as usual
At least I have one thing that’s been consistent
Or would that be two?
Yeah, it’d be two
cool.
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hashbrownsnow · 10 years ago
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<3
She’s so sweet
She only sends videos to me
Via Facebook,
Since she knows
How the slowness
Of my iPhone 4
Bothers me.
She’s so sweet,
She attacks me
With kisses,
Flurries against
My waiting
Cheek,
Shy but needing
Her love.
She’s so sweet,
She doesn’t
Complain
When she has
To wake in a few hours
But still sits
Through a delayed show,
Filled with moments as stale as the
Twinkies
They handed out,
For me.
She’s so sweet,
She tells me
All the right things
Even when I don’t want to
Hear them.
Because she’s holding me
So I know
That
I can
Stand
On my own
Like a mother
About to let go of
My bike,
Even though
I can pedal on my own.
I need
Her love
More than I need her hands,
But her hands
Are all I want to touch,
Her delicate,
Soft
Smooth
Slender
Preciously molded,
Warmer than
The gooiest cookie,
Sweeter than
A Polish
Chocolate
She’s my
Every
Thing
I love her
So much
That
That
Is
The analogy
The metaphor
The “ah-ha!”
Moment.
She is the
She is
The she
Will be
Forever
In my heart,
I know that.
She’s made
A home for
Herself in
Here. And
She’s turned
My heart from a
Trailer into
A palace.
How’s THAT for
Overt
Metaphor?
She’s perfect
To me, just like she said
I am to her
.
I know not
How to end this sentiment
So bed
Shall determine
That
But the morning rays
Shall lead me to
My iPhone 4
Whereupon
I shall tap
A 2-millimeter
Pixel
Of a heart,
My heart.
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hashbrownsnow · 10 years ago
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Vision
I like to hide on these streets
In these streets
Becoming
The ledge
That I sit upon
The purple-tinted daisies
Probably called something else
Lady Plums or
Lilac Cups,
The way they reach
Up, tipped toward the sun
Like a gently closing clasp
 -
The ginger boy saw me
Polite boy
Skateboarding,
Stopped
Head down
Neck craned
Hoping I wouldn’t see
Him
Like he was smelling
An imaginary flower,
Maybe it reeked,
Who knows
 -
I like it here
In the shade
The sun’s over there
I could be
With a brisk few steps
But I like it here
There’s always something new to see
To hear
To notice
Even each
Prius
Yukon
Pearl Saturn
That passes
Or stops
Or parks
Or walks downhill
Click clock
Red pants
Black pattern
I guess the M.C. Hammer thing’s a thing again
My eyes strain
Time to slip down
My sunglasses again
Now the pearl looks ivory
Red Pants goes up
Old man drives down
La dee dah dee dah dee
Prius
J/k that’s a Mazda
 -
What comforts me is that it’s all the same
Everywhere
Close one chapter
Open the next one up
With red pants
And a Prius
But maybe a blue
Pattern
 -
Down down down
The pants go
Another pearl car
Parks behind
Madame Ivory
Hmmm
It’s actually white
Hello, dear sir
I see you through
Your glasses
You see me
But turn away
Faster than a speeding
Prius
Just
Perfect
Just what I want
Just yay
Happy happy
Leave me
Be
I like it here
On my curb
My perch
Touching gravel
And pebbles
Likely made from the same quarry
Red shirt
Ha
There’s Pants
Again, around,
Back around, hovering at the corner
Back and forth
Black-shirted curly fro has a car
He just parked it…
Yards behind
Mr. Shaded Glasses
His car is like a weird tan-silver
Now it’s just tan
-
HI DAY!
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hashbrownsnow · 10 years ago
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texas orange silver track pants
MY EXACT THOUGHTS AS THEY ENTERED MY BRAIN AND GOT PUT ONTO PAPER WHILST SITTING ON A CURB AND WRITING MY EXACT THOUGHTS AS I ENJOYED MY THURSDAY AFTERNOON LUNCH BREAK:
So, a man, limping, just waved to me from across the street for no apparent reason. This is why I like it here.
UPDATE (TWO MINUTES LATER):
The man crosses the street and our paths converge. He slows and politely waves me forward.
“Hello, Miss Gorgeous, how are you.”
UPDATE (TWO MINUTES AND ONE SECOND LATER):
WTF GTFO
UPDATE (THREE MINUTES LATER):
I’m running across the street illegally so I don’t have to cross paths with him again. My tie flops in the wind.
UPDATE (FIVE MINUTES LATER):
I see him crossing the street in an even more illegal fashion. Shit. His trajectory is perfect, again. Another damn on-point triangulation. 
I hope he doesn't suddenly develop stronger leg muscles to follow me with.
UPDATE (SEVEN MINUTES LATER):
Texas orange tee and silver track pants. That’s what he’s wearing. I note this in my head for later. His belly protrudes but not before his smile.
We walk in the same direction. He into the McDonald’s parking lot. Me down the street.
Pretty sure he didn't even notice my tie.
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hashbrownsnow · 10 years ago
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sitting by the lake i guess
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Here's a little poem I made today. Also, here's a little illustration i made today. Woah. WOAH. They're in the SAME BOXES... and out of the same boxes.
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