gnosticbees

[gnosticbees]

I finally found the answer I’ve been looking for about knowing your life’s purpose. It isn’t something you fall into. Like romantic love, your life’s purpose is hard work. It is something you have to stick with even as your interest waxes and wanes. Some people are lucky and their purpose is clear from the get go and is easily maintained. I am not one of those people! Things have always been a struggle for me. Mostly because I make it hard. I follow my head when I should listen to my heart. I have to court my purpose. I have to spend time with it; nurture it and make it a priority. I have to try new things with it and look for the beauty and the good. As with any lifelong relationship, I have to work to keep the spark alive or it will wither away. Ignoring it is a sure fire way to lose it. Reviving The Spark 36”x48” #purpose #meaning #keepthesparkalive #art #acrylicart #artwork #artistsoninstagram #artist #artgallery #artoftheday #artgram #lifespurpose #keeptrying (at Dawson, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CkMkK5EMTBi/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[gnosticbees]

I’ve struggled with this my whole life. It has been a long journey with a lot of soul searching! I’m getting closer to understanding and pinning it down. I’m a little slow on the uptake!😆 How about you? Did you always know your life’s purpose? I’d love to know what your why in life is!! (at Dawson, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/Chpo8A8u9Rd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[gnosticbees]

Day 1

I didn’t drink yesterday. I went to a meeting and got a white chip. This morning I don’t feel different. Its nice to not wake up thirsty, though. I don’t have much hope for recovery. Ive done the program and gotten little to no relief. I can't figure out what I need to do differently so that the obsession will be lifted.

Surrender doesn’t come naturally to me. I don’t understand what they mean when they say surrender to this simple program. I balk at a lot of the fellowship stuff because I don’t enjoy standing around talking. I’m not good at faking it till I make it.

I guess part of the problem is I don’t really have a bottom. I am functioning and don’t have any of the consequences that real alcoholics have. There is no tape to run through to the end. Alcohol still serves me well. It helps me get through the end of day stress and work.

They say it harder for HFA to quit than those are low bottom. I believe it. The people in the program are so grateful for their new, clean life it drips out of their pores. When I hear those stories, I feel like I am in the wrong place and wonder why the fuck am I here!

I can do this. I can get through the evenings without wine. I can be with my kids at night and cuddle and love on them and feel at peace. I can make it from 5-7(my witching hours) without alcohol and I.Will.Not.Die.

[gnosticbees]

Death of a Friend

I had to put my dog down today. She was 14 and had bone cancer. I cried most of the day and held her and fed her summer sausages in the bed with me until I ran out and the 6th episode of Just Like That ended. 

We had a photo shoot. I got some beautiful photos of her. I just learned how to use the studio light feature on my phone. She is black and the lighting is perfect to show case her black face coming out of the void from which she came and to which she has now returned. 

I hate euthanasia. I hate making that decision. I was hoping she would pass peacefully at home in the quiet of night while the humans who loved her inhaled her last exhale.

But no. I have now sat with 5 dogs as they took their last breaths at the hand of our gentle veterinarian. I watched her relax and then slip away without me even really knowing she was gone even though I was looking at her eyes.

I am already immersed in grief. My dad died in September. My dog died in January. Supposedly it takes a year to go through the stages of grief. Of course, grief never ends, really. 

There are the stages of explosive feelings and then they peter out and you are left with....the void. The void can be small like a dog or huge like a dad but still a little piece of you disappears and you suddenly have this hole where there used to be chi - or life force. 

Your life force that you thought was impenetrable is suddenly riddled with Bonnie and Clyde style holes. As you age and lose people you love, go through grief over and over, the holes meet up and get bigger and bigger. 

Is grief the semi-auto Remington Model 8 rifle? As you age, are the losses around you, the grief, the silver bullets that will eventually cause you to disintegrate from this world?

[gnosticbees]

Getting Sober

So I guess I have to quit drinking. I don’t want to, though. I have been trying for 8 years to get sober in AA but nothing helps.

Getting pregnant kept me sober a few years. But, as the kids grow up, it is easy to sink back into those old habits.

Here is the thing, I love AA. It is a great program and I have learned some amazing life skills and have a new perspective. But I still want to drink. The program really doesn’t offer anything I want - except sobriety but it hasn’t removed the obsession.

I don’t want friends. I don’t connection. I don’t want to help other alcoholics. I have a purpose and I love my life. I just don’t want to drink everyday anymore. I can’t control it and I can’t stop starting. I have tried a million other ways, it feels like, anyway. But I still love to drink 2 bottles of wine and clean my kitchen!

Lol! I know. I am a lame alcoholic! I don’t drive. And I don’t go out. I like to drink alone. I like being alone. AA says thats bad though.

I also have depression. After the alcohol is out of my system, like 2 months after my last drink, I get so depressed and the world becomes grey. It isn’t that alcohol gives my life meaning, it just helps me not see how little meaning there is to life. When I look at the world, all I see is that life is just wake up, go to work, go to sleep, and wake up and do it all over again and then you die.

I try to be spiritual. I pray, meditate, journal, teach Sunday school, and read the dang Bible. But without alcohol in my system, life has no spark.

I am sure you are thinking, as I sing the praises of my life with alcohol in it, why do I want to quit then? Well, I gained a ton of weight so my health is somewhat affected. And I am not setting a good example for my kids. Really my kids are my biggest concern. Plus, they say everything you want is on the other side of fear. I am definitely afraid of living without alcohol.

Anyway, I am going to give quitting another whole hearted try. I wanted a place to write out my experience without having to worry about my mother finding me! So, I you relate in anyway, please comment. If you have any constructive advice about sobriety and how to get there, please comment. If you’d like to follow along while I honestly and authentically share this difficult journey, please follow. I'm pretty much a what you see is what you get kind of person. There will be no holding back to make myself look better!!