g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

how can I write anything new in an old world? by now surely everything that could have been thought, has been

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

Washing my hair. Doing the laundry. Late night TV. I want you on me. I want you on me. I want you on me. I want you on me. I want you on me. I want you on me. I want you on me. I want you on me

(Damn you Lana Del Rey you are killing me)

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

A ramble about seeing people in your dreams.

There's nothing that can compare to the feeling of seeing someone I miss beside me in a dream. Just last night you were there, shoulder to shoulder and I remember exactly what you said, "It's not going to happen" Tell me something I wish I didn't know. It felt nice to hear your voice even if it's been months in real life.

You always love me a little better when I sleep, better in a sense that you love me the way I need. My bedroom is dark and it's just us two. Should be no surpise but you are still beside me. But the little part of me that's awake knows it's just a dream.

and when I wake up I know I need to take that step, the last one out the door and then I'll never see your face. Except I'll still see it every night, in every single dream. Because that's the thing about people you love, they never leave, they'll never again will they let you sleep in fucking peace.

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

Even in the privacy of my room, in solitary company, I am embarrassed by my enormous wanting. It's too much to share with any soul, so only my journal knows the warmth of his lips, and the pressure of his kiss.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

I know, well I think, deep down in my bones, that if I chose today to walk away you wouldn't miss me. you wouldn't cry. and you wouldn't care. and I think, no I know, that is the reason I choose to stay.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

I look in the mirror and I try.

I try to look in the mirror.

I look into the mirror and I cry.

I cry because I don’t look like you.

Because I don’t look like her I start to cry.

In the mirror I can’t look myself in the eye.

I think about what you said. I try but I

cry in the mirror, I can’t look me in the eye.

Because I think about what you said to me.

I hate the way I look in the mirror.

I can’t stand the way my body looks.

I can’t look in the mirror because of you

Kaci O’Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

Painting- Filippo Cegani: Grazie

Abuse of the divine

when a mortal man is granted his first taste of the heavenly divine, like sap from a tree, he laps it up. drinks until the source runs dry.

unaware of the power in his hands, he puts the divine on her sacred knees. and commands a devotee. he takes and takes. thinking this is love, she rewards his greed.

when a mortal man is gifted his second touch of ethereal bliss, like the roots underground, he rips them up. what once grew his breath is now her bondage.

you cannot give an undeserving, non-believer a drink of all holy honey, and expect him to fall to his knees and worship.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

If you asked me 'what is the best way to love you?' I'm not sure I'd know. my soul is a black hole that swallows love, but has never been full.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

I want you to make me feel better, I can't do it on my own. Why can't you ever make me feel better?

(why do you only make me feel worse)

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

I've been a walking corpse for half a year. Can you smell the distain that I have for this life I wasn't supposed to live?

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

And at the end of all this, what is left of me? A pathetic woman with the whimpering heart of a mutt.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

I know it hurts too much to hold me, so I won't ask you to but know it's the only thing in the world I want.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

I'm so angry at everyone I can hardly speak a word. I don't forgive you for any of it, I don't forgive any of you.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

The fact is the matter is, and not that I would do it, I'm too much of a coward to kill myself because I couldn't stand the thought of not being around to be remembered. If I'm not there every day, I'm gone, I'm forgotten.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

— David Foster Wallace, The Pale King

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

it is something so human, so true in womanhood, to seek comfort and the easing of pain in the arms of the man that hurt you.

Kaci O'Meara

[g0thiclygh0ulish-diaries]

where is the lotion for my heart to keep it as soft as my hands, moisturising the cuts and scrapes to heal the skin the cold rips apart?

Kaci O'Meara