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(19-20) As Expected.

I knew from the beginning that keeping up with this blog would eventually make me lazy about sticking to it, haha. I indeed procastinated. Which also took longer for me to get back to it. But here I am today, still alive, still kicking and surprisingly met a lot of amazing and special people. This month and this week, I got older, it's a +1 in my age. A lot happened. Ofcourse. Which made me overthink and melancholically reminisce about everything. But let's rewind from where I left this blog out of touch. Me becoming a leader in college group projects, triggered me of neglecting my commitment in this blog haha. I was busy, and completely forgot about blogs. The project that really consumed my sleep deprivation and time is facilitating a webinar related to writing a speech. It turned out fine, butttttt it's so exhausting, it felt at that moment that we are doing a research haha but we are not. I never knew that the behind the scenes of facilitating a webinar is that exhausting or idk, probably we exerted really good efforts on creating that webinar maybe that's why it felt like that. I enjoyed that really, and it was worth my fatigue. It was an amazing experience. Also had the time to create artworks as well as per request of my aunt ( which I don't even know if she liked it or not because idk if I really pulled it of, but for me it's good ). It's a wedding photo of them and my aunt requesting it scared me because she has a high standrad haha, but I took the courage to step up of saying yes anyways because we my family owe a lot to them as well. Visiting to relatives became a thing as well in those past months there was lsoo a time where we said goodbyes in the airport for my cousin already flying to another country and settling there. Drama happened haha welp what can we expect. At the same time I got devoted to playing valorant and league of legends as well. Met a lot of great gamers, and warm poeple which I enjoyed a lot as well. In that phase/month/weeks, I got exposed to new group of friends, especially in valorant. It scares me a lot, having to repeat my habits in the past. Which is becoming so friendly and being hurt in the end. It scares me that I am being comfortable again and that life would just surprise me again of ice bucket challenge that I did not even requested from them. I know that I shouldn't be scared, but what can I do right, I am only a human as well. Grief changes you so bad that it makes you scared of welcoming people in your life. That's me right now. It scares me when a day, a week, a month is making me happy, feeling like I don't deserve all this treatment. As I have recieved, happiest moments are the most hurtful memory, when everything suddenly changes. I treasure moments and people a lot, that's why I think it's very hurtful for me. I love a lot and genuinely.. so when I lose them it makes me depressed. It'll just makes me think everyday about death haha. Life is freakingly weird. As much as I want to stay positive in my daily life, it really just isn't like that, life really just ain't like that. Another twist that is currently happening in my life right now is related to that group of friends in valorant. As ya'll know I already have a boyfriend, buttttttt there is this crazily very good man that makes me rethink about my choices of having a relationship about my boyfriend. And this situation makes me want to cry huhu. It makes my heart and head hurts like hell in a very annoyingly good way. I'm at a phase where I am realizing a lot of stuffs about life, that goodness is better than cool badness shidz. Because this 2 man is likeeeeeeeee thattttttttt. And all of it is really giving me headcahes and stress. Love is so crazy as well and self control if freaking me the fvk out. I know it sucks that my generation right now easily get's swayed in gaming and dating in games. It's just all so very annoying that people just come right in front of you and then steal your time from you without you even realizing.

That man is treating me so well and it's making me feel like I want him to steal me from my boyfriend because he shows things to me that my boyfriend does not do to me. And it's scaring me again because this is all a decision that will be hard to pull off and makes me rethink about who I am fully and what are my wants and needs. It's all so very wrong and makes me feel disgusted about myself as well. I am still young and growing, it's making it really hard for me to put my head around it and know what's my answer. IT'S ALL MAKING ME CRAZY. It's so hard. Making me choose to let go one thing that helped me in all my life to hold onto and then choosing another new one that is so good that makes me realize a lot of stuff that are better for me. All so Crazy.

But yeah that's that, my wish is still the same. Life is short. I hope mine would be shorter tomorrow. That'll never change until the time comes.

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(18) I want to di3

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(17) Been Days

Of tiresome-ness, I am not really into social media when I started this stuffs. But yeah been busy, to friendships, relationships, schoolships and randomships lol.

It has been a slow month and slow weeks.

I'm getting numb.

Same vibes.

Life is short, I hope mine would be shorter tomorrow.

Been my music fav for the year.

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The Weight

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(ctto) What's Up

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(16) Re-lighting the sparks that would either destroy me or fix me

This day I had a chill time with my best friend. Since Jr./Sr. highschool to college now. Let's call her, Quinn. Our friendship is pretty solid, she probably know everything about me except for this. I know she'd understand. We do stuffs like this. We talked about a lot of things and most of it made me reminisce about our times in the first college I got into.

As you know, or as you not know lmao.

I'm a college student, who is a sleep deprived- frustrated artist- a writer and a random hooman who rants about almost everything in life and what happens to my life.

I experienced grief. And I fvking always, almost rant about it here. I know I do not have a lot of audience yet, I also don't mind if there are just some or a lot. What matters to me is that there would be someone somewhere who I can relate with, or relate with me.

Grief. Messed up a whole fvking lots in my system.

There was a phase on my life that I have forgotten that we all die.

Because in that phase I was very focus on studying at school and becoming successful.

The first course I took was Psychology but after finishing 1 semester on it I shifted to Multimedia Arts (because on the ongoing 2nd semester which was the time I shifted course. I was already strucked by reality there.. which is when I experienced grief.), all the memories I had there was a lot to handle atleast for me and my being. Most of it are bad stuffs and some of it was fun times.

What bothers me the most is the bad stuffs. I had an urge to quit that course (psychology).

And I did.

After contemplating about it for a lot of times. It affected my family, relative, friends, romantic relationships, and people I know.

Quinn and I talked about it. I was a person who isn't that open or vocal when it comes to asking help or experiencing something heavy, cus I feel like I can do it on my own and she has a lot on her plate than mine.

By this day, I kinda cleared a lot of stuffs to her because we haven't really have a lot of times to talk about things. I haven't also really have the courage back then to actually tell them what I feel. In those times when they asked me what's wrong I just cried and cried. Also we tend to not expose ourselves very much in social media. We chat from time to time, but we have this vibe that we know we are also busy with our own lives and we respected each other on that aspect.

My perspectives, my feelings, what was I thinking in those phase.. the stories in our lives. This day I was able to strongly and bravely tell about everything I wanted to say to her and clear things up with her.

It made me realize that, even though I attempted suicide. The journey I've been through was mesmerizing to reminisce and sooooo weird for me to look back at haha. To the same point that it also makes me scared. I think I will always be someone that has wounds and bruises that won't be healed.

Never better, rarely fine but always corrupted.

This day is really something, it motivated and disrupted me in both same ways. Which made me feel the urge to be creative and try to still re-light the sparks that I lost.. which I'm still looking for again. Watching Miller's Girl movie also affected me in some ways.

I would always think that life is short because of everything.

I would always hope also that mine would be shorter tomorrow.

But I also hope now, that I can re-light and put back to it's place, the things that I have lost in me.

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(ctto)TikTok:papidosno

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(15) Been Busy

The college life I'm having right now is starting to go through a strom of school works and flood us with activities. My course is related to writing. And I haven't really been in a good mood to actually put entries here in Tumblr everyday. The only time I have writing on this page, is when I am already going to sleep. I am doing my best tho, as so it is also helping me develop my writing skills more and navigate experimenting with words.

So yeah, a lot has been going on. As usual I still lack sleeping, I'm missing it so much. But at the same time I am also having fun doing what I love. What I don't like about not being able to sleep is when acnes starts to appear, so I definitely need to watch out for my sleep schedule.

As usual, Life is short. I hope mine would be shorter tomorrow.

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(14) A Mixture of time

It came to mind this day.. And the other day.. and everyday.. This unnecessary thought of mine. That..

It's so hard to make friends. When you already know the feeling of grief.

It's very hard. There's this heavy small little mojo inside your heart and mind that you can't remove. Whereas it's both a blessing and a curse. And all you can do about it is learn how to carry it, because it doesn't really heal.

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This quizzes is fun actually also accurate for me. I got the wise mentor, Thanks for mentioning! @adventuretimeaddict HAHA

I'm tagging @tangerinecat14 @graydusksworld

me and @izumichisaki have been arguing all week about which one of us is the protagonist in this story, and ended up taking a quiz, that I am now gonna subject my moots to as well. So, take this quiz, post your results, and tag some people! :)

honestly it fits, lol. Tagging @tforthetea @seven-stars-in-his-palm @davidbowielovesyou @transford-pines @zephrunsimperium @dranna @thehuggingisajustfortodaything36 and @leela-small (no pressure to join though!)

and feel free to join in even if you weren't tagged! :3

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(13) Sheeshhhhhh

Definitely a normal day. But also dreamed a lot. Which I already forgot. Enjoyed writing stuffs, like essay and shts. Also did some quite of a digital illustrations for school works which is fun. Kinda not an eventful day actually. But yeah.. Life is short. I hope mine would be shorter tomorrow.

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Life is Short

• source: gudetama official facebook page

© credits: Gudetama

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i decided to take a break from the url icons to make these gudetama icons

gudetama → lazy egg

please reblog if you use. credit is nice. if you’d like a different background color let me know! [all icons]

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(12) Excruciatingly Bizarre

( Dream log )

I dream a lot of things while asleep.

Waking up felt not good after those dreams.

1st thing that happened. I was walking in a dark room, was holding a phone and the camera was open. I am not actually sure if the me, there, is a man or a woman. But I feel like I was a man there.

The camera, I'm holding slowly lurked in the dark side of a stair and side of a wall. The vision quickly turned around, I didn't know I have company, there's a little girl with me, behind my back I think we were spending time exploring this house like a haunted house.

She pointed out something in that dark side. Then her arms got bitten, it roared before going on her.

Then I woke up. IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT THE TIME. BUT I KNOW FOR SURE THAT IT'S ALREADY 3AM. It always happens to me. I always have a nightmare and wake up at 2am or 3am.

I tried my best to sleep that night even tho I was bewildered of what I have dreamt of.

I had 2 more dreams after that. Can't remember that 2 dream. I was trying to remember it while talking a bath but, can't anymore. Did some house chores ofc. The Lesson/discussion we have been preparing for this day in our class pulled off decently. The class got hyped up by our energy thankfully. I can take a breather already for the other upcoming stuffs and exams damn. I just want to have a decent job already. That's that for today tho, the other stuffs is not necessary to say so, because some of those are boring stuffs and already a routine of mine. Welpppp... Life is short. I hope mine would be shorter tomorrow.