freezedcat

[freezedcat]

(Vent)

Tired, sick, on my period and absolutely fucking done with everyone and their bullshit they spit out irl or on social media, either trying to prove theyre a good person or convincing themselves they can stay better when literally all of us are gonna come crashing down a million times.

Call me pessimistic, i am, but im so fucking done with the entire world pretending.

I am autistic, struggling with everything and theres literally not enough space or other people understanding me. So can everyone please shut up as im trying to deal with chronic fatigue, mood switches making me want to die and crying for hours on end and still nobody understands or knows what to do.

[freezedcat]

Everything feels like its my fault

[freezedcat]

This better help me get my balance back and stop bingeing(68kc)

[freezedcat]

Is it me or do other people also start falling and crashing into things or dropping stuff when they feel numb

[freezedcat]

Adhd is like:

Me: walks into room at 11pm to go to sleep

Room: chaotic silence

Me: we’re changing it.

*rearranges everything, find out it doesnt work and changes it back

[freezedcat]

If i die its because i tried too hard to get better

[freezedcat]

I begged to get closer to her.

Searched for all the ways i could hold her close, get her to stay. Tried my hardest to be as good as i could be for her. We had always been on and off and i wanted her to finally stay.

Now im trying to get some space and she wont let go. And something inside me still wants her so bad, to ignore all thats bad, or highlight it and light me on fire.

My friend anna.

[freezedcat]

Yesterday i ate fine, I’ve been trying my hardest

My hardest to follow a schedule that feels impossible, a mealplan that feels like too much.

But yesterday i ate a bag of jelly beans.

So naturally today

My throat closes up, everything feels like a brick in my stomach. Every bite taking so much effort that i give up, without even wanting to.

But maybe i want it a little.

Maybe i will always want it a little.

To give up, and not eat.

[freezedcat]

Im trying to follow my eating schedule and my stomach hurts so much just from breakfast, split into two moments..

I thought i already ate quite a lot but i still feel weak so maybe i’ve just been overestimating what i eat and underestimating what i actually need.

Anyways im praying that this eating schedule is the limit and that i dont have to eat more than this

[freezedcat]

Trying to recover? Trying to get worse still? I dont know i just feel guilty

[freezedcat]

Drinking water until you’re nauseous instead of eating >>>>> 💛

[freezedcat]

Im really small, and ig im skinny, but i always say that i have like a bigger build which basically is just the fact that theres obesity in my family.

i have big thighs and hips- and have been blessed with strong legs, but further im as flat as possible.

Confuses everyone when i say that because i also dress very oversized and basically all my jeans are too big, whether on purpose or not.

Starting to wonder if this is part of my eating and self esteem issues?

[freezedcat]

Pov: cries about trying to eat an apple.

couple hours later: proceeds to eat a twix

[freezedcat]

A classmate said something to me like ‘become lighter’ as a joke about something and i said ‘im trying’ and somebody else commented ‘even lighter?’ And tbh that makes my sick mind feel so good

[freezedcat]

I dont know what it is but i dont like doing the last part of commute with classmates but i also get insecure if theyre not there

[freezedcat]

Idk if i should try to recover or try to relapse

[freezedcat]

I miss the dark circles under my eyes

The weakness in my body

The emptiness of your belly at the end of the day

Thinking at least i dont have to completely suck in my stomach

Now im bloated, filled with stomach cramps and guilt, i feel too warm in my own skin.

Its too good for the body im in.