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Self love

My dear friend...

You are so afraid of people leaving you. You think that anyone could just blindside you and leave you behind like nothing. But, I find it difficult to believe anyone would do that unless they are a sociopath.

First: You did not maintain proper communication with them. They were probably hurting for a long time, but you just shrugged it off. I do not know if that was you not being observational or afraid to confront the problem. But, without channels of communication, then the relationship was already destined to fail, just on that alone.

Second: You feel like an outsider. You feel like you have to prove to others your worthiness to take up space, earning your place. You know you should not have to. But, being perpetually challenged, makes one develop that, I can see that.

Third: Your drive, your ambition, your success. It scares people, it intimidates them. If they are not certain of themselves or grounded in their own existence, they will be swept away, overwhelmed by your intensity. You told me that you felt like you were the only one growing in the relationship. That is very well what they felt too, that they were not matching your pace. Perhaps you deserved better than them. You never placed that burden on them yourself though. You do not expect that of them. But, just when they see that in you, it makes them feel insecure and that is not your fault. And like many before, you felt you have outgrown them. Little do they know, ironically, you are just as every bit unsure of yourself as they are. But, how could they believe that? You have everything better than them, you are just saying that to make them feel better. Yet, you are just being you. You never intended for this to create a gap, but it is there nonetheless. But, that is on them to figure out, not your job.

You are a perfectionist, but to what end? It is impossible to please everyone. You are just setting yourself up for disappointment. But, I think there is more. You perhaps think that if you were perfect enough, someone would have to love you. That if you gave them no reason not to love you, that you could earn their endless affection and eternal love, as long as you were perfect enough.

Fourth: You cannot expect others to provide you comfort, stability, support, or love. You have to be the well from which those are derived for yourself. When you learn to provide for yourself can you truly provide for others. Both partners need to “pay into” the relationship. When you do not have love for yourself then, you are going into “love debt”. The love in a relationship should just be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. In the same vein, no one is obligated to reciprocate your feelings, your interest, or your hope. You just have to be so full of love for yourself that it does not even bother you if someone decides to not stay around from the get go. If they do not appreciate you for who you are from the beginning, then it would be a waste of time for both of you to continue. You have to be the thing that grounds them, not mutual friends, same work space, or some other externalities. Your confidence, steadfast belief, and love for yourself is what will draw them in. You know, that feeling when see or hear someone who is so passionate about something they love. That, is what will keep them around, and if they cannot see or appreciate that, then you are better off without them.

Fifth: Just be unapologetically you. You cannot go through your life living someone else’s idea of how you should exist, only you can know that. So stop selling yourself short, undercutting who you are to satisfy the whims of others. When you do that, you are at the core, betraying yourself. If the people around you cannot find it in themselves to see you for who you truly are and accept that, they have no business being apart of your life. What right do they have to drag you down together with their own insecurities about who they are? It is scary to be alone, but being at peace with yourself is monumentally better than being together with people who are only trying to impose themselves onto you. Seeking the cheap trinkets of approval from others only serve to make you feel better about yourself temporarily. Instead, you build that from within, with a true and steady foundation. Approval and love of yourself will be consistent and permanent, unshakable. If being you scares other people away, do not make any concessions. You do not lower yourself to their level, they have to level up to match you. You move on, till you do find someone who can truly appreciate the majesty and wonder that is within you. But, you need to see that for yourself first, otherwise you would not believe it even if someone else did. Forgive yourself, give yourself permission to exist, to be happy. Stand firm for yourself. Commit to yourself, for you are the only real constant in your life.

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Med school

I want to talk about my experience in med school. Particularly my internship. I felt miserable for those 3 clinical years. Granted, I would not say I was the must studious student, I still tried. I definitely could have hit the books harder and everything, but I had little energy to do it. For a good majority or entirety for that matter, of my post-high school days. I felt fatigue and lethargy dominate my physical state. Obviously, when it came to more engaing activities like sports, games, or going out, I could push past through it because I was in flow. However, when it came to mundane tasks like studying and reading, I quickly lost interest and the mental focus to properly finish a task. Concurrently, I was stricken with horrible episodes of eczema that only got worse during the winter. I would constantly be itching, whether it was scalp, neck, ears, folds of elbows, etc. I would go see doctors and try all manners of lotions and creams, but was allowed only temporary relief. The itchy flaky skin became a powder of white flakes that constantly decorated my clothing and the surface of my face. To make matters worse, anytime I worked up a sweat from even moderate physical activity or higher temperatures, the sweat would induce a burning sensation at all those spots. Needless to say, I was very distracted by that condition alone. Luckily for me, I had the self-confidence to not really let how my unpleasant appearance affect how I perceived myself. But that is not all. During my time in the hospital, the AC was always blasting. I understood that that was for the patients’ well being, but my hands and feet were always ice cold. I felt terrible whenever I was in the hospital just for that fact. It was only worse when I was designated for the OR. The surgical rooms were significantly colder than the wards, understandably for controlling microbial growth, but that does nothing to make me feel any less uncomfortable. I found that those symptoms would not improve and only get worse as time went on. I felt slept deprived and physically spent. At my wit’s end, it was all I could manage just to make it through the day. My only solace was getting out for lunch when I could hopefully bask in the sunlight for a moment outside. Over the years, I would see no small number of doctors, but none of them could offer me a permanent solution. All they could allude to was that it was a genetics thing and would be chronic as far they are concerned. If there was a word for less than useless, I would be using it here. I always took their words with a grain of salt, because I could not accept that this was a permanent condition, especially in my mid-twenties.

I had essentially no friends to speak of. I tried to talk to my classmates, but found it rather difficult to connect with them on a deeper level. Whether it was truly due to a lack of personality or the lack of interest on my part is hard to say, though definitely it was a mix and depended on each person individually. Definitively, I could not discern any aspect of their lives or person that made them interesting or stand out from the others. They rarely spoke of their thoughts or values. I highly doubt they are void of these components, so perhaps they did not feel like divulging that part of them with me in particular? Regardless, on top of the lack of connection, we were on rotations through different departments every 2 or 4 weeks. So, just when I barely might have established some rapport with some of the more senior staff in a particular department, I would have to start all over again. It was a really trying time for me. I could not pick up on things as fast as my colleagues could due to my insufficiency in mandarin. As time went on, I also tired of explaining my language barrier to the new teams as it was quickly followed by lectures about how I need to be trying harder to make up for the language skill gap because I have already been in the country for so long.

I am all for self studying. I believe in self-sufficiency and independence. But, in a field like medicine, I find it disappointing that a lot of time, the doctors expect that you know the material in its entirety. When, inevitably I did not have the answers, they would don an incredulous look on their faces and chastise me for my lack of knowledge. Yet, by the end, I still have not learned what it was I was missing. They routinely would just tell me to go back and look it up myself. The issue with a subject as medicine is that the material is so expanse that when you think you know, you might in fact, not. That is the entire point of having teachers/mentors is it not? To guide you through the holes in your thinking or logic and rectify the misunderstanding. However, that was rarely the approach any of them took. I have no reservations to their skills as doctors, but their ability as teachers were a different story.

All in all, I had an execrable time through my clinical years.

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Trust

In a relationship, both sides need to place a blind trust in each other and be vulnerable, opening themselves up and risking being hurt by each other. That is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship. If one is constantly on guard and questioning the motive behind everything the other is doing, the other will feel estranged and a gap widening between each other. It needs to be understood that even though one side has the capability of greatly harming the other, they would not do so out of their love for the other. If that is not enough to convince both sides, then the relationship will be ripped apart. Being vulnerable is what allows people to be closer together. Suspicion will only serve to keep others at bay and deny true connection. However, at the same time, a certain degree of doubt is also required, otherwise one would be taken advantage of. The inability to establish trust will undermine any feelings toward each other, through the constant doubt of whether the intentions are true or under an ulterior motive. With that, a relationship would cease to grow and could never progress to its full potential.

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Relationship

huh relationshop sounds nifty...

Anyways, I should write about various relationship situations that pop up with myself and my friends. For my own reflection and as future reference for my children I suppose. A sort of relationship manual if you will.

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Things I want to do

Become

-the best family man(husband/father)

-a world-class doctor

-a massage/chiropracty practioner or invent osteology with a focus on neuromusculoskeletal condition

-a licensed midwife

-a well established food-blogger/epicure/bistronomer

-a travel blogger/expert

-an accomplished cook and mixologist

-a skilled dancer (hip-hop, ballroom, pole)

-a skilled musician (piano, bandoneon, singing, guzhen, erhu)

-a DJ

-a photographer/cinematographer

-parkour

-self defense

-design some own clothing

-a relationship/life counselor

-butcher

-leatherworker

Have

-a home that is also like members only club and I prepare high quality foods/drinks for my esteemed friends over boardgames and movie nights. Also providing a safe and comfortable space for people to talk about their woes. Autoclave for dishes/utensils. Foot pedals for sinks and single use cloth towels(washed after one use). Urinal. For kitchen, food scrap disposal like at beni hanas?

-Solar and batteries

-grounding through the floors?

-Vertical farm for herbs and weed

-enso tattoo on right forearm or back of hand, cave painting-esque tattoo on back, Rod of Asclepius on left arm/shoulder but with a salamander instead of snake

-blogs on relationships/medicine/food/cooking

-youtube channels for respective blogs

-game streaming

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Gluten/FODMAPS

Many individuals have a gluten intolerance. This condition is marked by inflammation of the gut lining by food particles that the individual is incapable of digesting completely. The condition is not exclusive to gluten but also other FODMAPS. However, there is a separate mechanism for gluten in which zonulin acts to weaken the tight junctions between gut cells.

Incidentally, the departure of modern breadmaking from fermentation techniques have removed an important part of gluten degradation. The bacteria that act on the dough during fermentation breakdown the gluten that many people would not be able to otherwise, at the same time, imparting certain important vitamins. The baker’s yeast used in modern baking surely makes the bread-making process faster, but at the cost of the gut.

[flammanota-blog]

Reduce Heart Scan Score

1. Removal of all grains and sugars from diet.

2. Vitamin D 60-70 ng/ml

3. Omega 3s EPA+DHA 3600 mg/d split half in morning and evening

4. Iodine

5. Magnesium

[flammanota-blog]

Ruminant farming

Proper ruminant farming to provide better food for ourselves and protect the environment.

Grass-fed beef doesn’t contain much by omega 3s or 6s. But what about feeding actual fresh grass like in sweden/swiss?

Fish are better source of omega 3′s

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Autophagy

Essentially the garbage cleaning of the body. Autophagy takes old or malfunctioning cells and recycle and make space for new cells.

Japanese scientist won nobel prize for study on this topic

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LDL

LDL patterns are what determine development of atherosclerosis. Glycation from overexposure to sugar causes LDL to be unrecognizeable by the liver from the changed apoB protein. Omega-6 oils also accelerate the damage of the apoB protein. little a is also an indicator of oxidized LDL particles.

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Ageing and longevity

Accelerated aging and cancer risk is upregulated by insulin and IGF-1 acting on TOR(mTOR). These are induced by glucose and amino acids. so reduction of intake of these molecules should slow ageing. Reduction of protein intake allows for cells to facilitate autophagy and recycle old or damaged proteins, effectively cleaning out the cell. Fat, as a macro, should be consumed more to encourage this metabolic pathway. Coupled with fasting, mTOR will be down-regulated, promoting maintenance and thus longevity.

Infants while breastfeeding acquire 1g/kg/day of protein. Adults have no reason to consume any more than that amount.

Before 30 years of age, this is of little consequence.

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Plain starch diet

Rice diet or potato diet. People actually lose weight, but why? Granted low sodium and fat intake would ease the hypertension that is associated with T2D. Since the weight loss is achieved through essentially fasting by the decreased desire for eating by the highly restrictive diet, the patients enter ketosis due to insulin not spiking as much from a homogenous macro.

Calorie dilute/deficient? So despite being a high glycemic food source, the energy is used up and none is left to be moved into cells? Heating and cooling of the starch makes it resistant starches, thus less bioavallable.

What about fiber/gut microbes? bloating? plant toxins?

What if vegans are obtaining high levels of fatty acids through increased fermentation in the gut on the high fiber diet?

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From an evolution standpoint, human bodies were designed to take in as much energy as possible because there was never a surplus of foods available. If an individual came across an fruit tree in peak season, they would gorge on the delicious fruit. The fructose in fruit and honey is what makes it so sweet and enticing for humans to eat. Insulin spikes up and takes most of the glucose into the cells for storage. The blood sugar drops below fasting and the body signals to eat more shortly after. The body does not want to pass up the opportunity for more energy just cause the organism feels full. Until finally when the organism feels hungry but there is just no food left to eat. The organism feels hungry, but eventually the feeling passes and the body then switches to burning fat because there is no more glucose to spike insulin.

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Toxins

Our bodies are usually well equipped to detoxify most toxins we ingest. However due to our gut permeability issues increasing the amount that gets through into circulation and the increased insulin levels up to fatty liver disease that hinders the liver’s ability to process these toxins properly. Thus, more toxins are found in the bloodstream wrecking havoc on body tissues and inducing autoimmune disease.

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Fats

Saturated fats provide a more stable and gradual energy source than glucose with much less oxidative stress on the mitochondria. The lower stress allows for ageing much more slowly.

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Lectins

Lectins are found in a large variety of foods. These lectins are part of a natural defense mechanism for these plants. However, some of these plants have been selected for over the years by humans for their increased resilience. Concurrently, the lectin levels are most likely relatively higher as well compared to wild species.

The problem arises as lectins are consumed. They attach to glucose molecules, many of which are attached to our cells. Lectins are heat resistant and even though treatment through soaking and boiling are commonly used, they only serve to reduce not neutralize those toxins. They are furthermore resistant to our digestive enzymes. Lectins as well as wheat germ and gluten binding to our cell walls degrades them, leading to leaky gut and passage of foreign bodies into the internal circulation.

Lectins up-regulates insulin in a far more prolonged fashion than by insulin by itself. It also affects leptin, the human satiety hormone by blocking its signaling ability. This then causes an individual to overeat. Lectins also stimulate mast cells, releasing histamine,leading to higher production of acid in the stomach. This mechanism causes GERD.

Parkinson’s is also caused by lectins moving up the vagus nerve.

Lectin leads to autoimmune disease. Antibodies are produced for the lectin molecules that enter into circulation. Native cells also have antigens that match to that antibody, leading to the body attacking itself.

Emulsifiers in processed foods, pesticides, air pollutants, and microplastics also lead to intestinal permeability.

Fats, glutamines, and lecithins repair or support gut health.

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Cholestrol

Cholestrol rideshares with triglycerides.

When we are fed with a high fat diet, then there is a sufficient amount of fat in circulation in chylomicrons to provide energy already so LDL is down-regulated. However, in a fasted state, the LDL is up-regulated because the fatty acids need to be mobilized from the liver.

Consuming a high sugar diet in contrast, tanks the LDL count because the body then already has sufficient energy in the form of glucose. So the body no longer needs to tap into fat stores. Consequently, triglycerides in the blood rise due to insulin coupled with a drop of HDL.