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flabmum-blog · 7 years

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Dare I say it? “New Year, New Me”

This is a phrase my fiancé despises every year (I think years in the fitness industry had that effect), yet that phrase keeps playing over in my head as if it is the motivation I need to get myself back! But then the realist part of me says "you've failed before, why does it being the 1st January make any difference?". Well, because it has to this year.

2017 was possibly one of the most testing and stressful years for me and my little family unit. I was juggling so many things and the one thing I had never thought would happen, did! So here's a little background in how my life got flipped, well and truly, on it's head.

In June 2016 I became a Mum to a beautiful little girl, whom I adore, want the best for and love to spend time with, but wow is it hard work. At the same time I was a final year chiropractic student completing an internship masters degree in Bournemouth. Trying to balance my time between two of the most challenging tasks I've had to face in my straight forward 26 years was stressful to say the least. Now to some people they would thrive on that, but being a perfectionist, I lose faith if I can't get everything 'just right'.

Now before everything went tits up, we had a calm before the storm, in fact it was paradise. I'd found the perfect job in the ideal location to raise our family. So, as we packed up and moved to North Devon, to our ideal new house, things were looking almost perfect. I say almost perfect as I had the lingering doubt of "what if I haven't passed". Close friends and family kept saying "you'll be fine" as they know I always worry and hadn't failed one exam to date.

Judgment day loomed and I was getting more and more tense, tainted with doubt. Then at about 10am on results day I get messages from friends saying "results are out, I passed", so I check mine to see "resit" for the one exam I had the doubt about. My instinct was correct, but I also felt proud as I had taken two years worth of exams in one single hit. I thought well, I have the resit, I could never fail again. How wrong was I!

I was a complete mess, a cocktail of emotions and questions. I was embarrassed, a failure, a let down, distraught, how could I let this happen? Why has this happened? How are we going to survive now? Everything rode on me passing and working to get our family a good income, now we have nothing. This is when things got complicated. We'd committed ourselves to a house in North Devon, Steve (my fiancé) had given up his job to move, but I was now needed in Bournemouth to do another year and retake the exam in June 2018. My family unit was going to be tore apart.

So, as it stands now I am staying at my Mum's, with Maizie, whilst I attend university and continue to treat patients at the intern clinic. Steve is in North Devon, working full time to help us financially as much as he can. But it is tough not seeing him and seeing how much it upsets us to say goodbye each time; it's a constant reminder that it's all my fault!

That is why this year has to be different, I have to be different. I need to get back on track with how I was before having Maizie. Obviously I will never be the person I was before becoming a Mum, and I wouldn't change that for the world, but it has had a huge impact on my confidence. Yes it is vain, but the loss of my confidence is mainly due to being a couple of stone heavier. I can't see the phrase some Mum's use along the lines of "my body may be bigger and scarred but it is beautiful because of carrying a baby"; it may work for some people's confidence and that is amazing, but for me it is just a cop out.

So, this is my journey, my "New Year, New Me" beginning. I will be writing blogs as a focus to track progress, I hope readers will find them interesting and gain something from them. Whether it be a mutual understanding, humour, or even controversy as everyone has different views and that is fine. I will cover a range of topics including exercise, food, toddler life, being a Mum, relationships, student life etc. Thank you for reading my first ever blog and please keep an eye out for more if you're interested in my journey!

FlabMum

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