filmsthatdonotexist

[filmsthatdonotexist]

Most film buffs know that; at a certain point in cinematic history; whenever a film of note came from the US, it was only a matter of time before some variety of insane Italian director would create an unauthorized ripoff of or sequel to it.

Such was the case too with the Scorcese-produced* recently-rediscovered cult-classic Goncharov. Ironically, despite its reputation for controversy in the country, Italy was one of the few places where Goncharov got any decently consistent distribution, due to a sequence of events too stupid to list here.

In fact, most bootleg copies circulating in cinephile circles before recent events were taken from fan-subtitled Italian VHS copies, which is where the rumors of it originally being shot in Italian came from if you wondered about that.

But, that circulation was a cult film even amongst cult films, and if you were in horror circles of a certain generation, bringing up "Goncharov" would have elicited a response of "Oh, you mean that insane zombie mafia movie?"

But no dear readers, that would be Goncharov Part II, the bizarre unauthorized Italian sequel to the first movie....

...Well, semi-unauthorized. The technicalities of international distribution/adaptation rights are stupid like that. And yet it still got better distribution than actual-Goncharov for decades.

The plot is very simple, two women, implied to be trying to leave a Mafia life behind, end up in the middle of a zombie gang war between the entire deceased cast (So, basically, the entire cast) of Goncharov.

The first thing will notice is the fact that this is significantly more action-packed than the often slow; talk-y original. if there is anything you can call this movie, it is not slow, it just gets going and refuses to stop.

Which would probably register as strange to those who know B-movies, because of how many of those tend to be just talking between characters we don't care about in between the moments of batshit insanity as a pragmatic measure to save on budget. They could have easily stayed true to the original by doing just that.

But, if there's anything to be said about this film (And a few others') mysterious director Cero Boyardi (A screen name), he seemed very passionate about this project and wanted to put his whole ass into it. (Literally, if the rumors about him being a very specific extra in the massacre scene are true)

And he was at least... 80% of the way to understanding the original film's themes, with things such as the scene where a clock tower is blown up (Despite one never appearing in the first movie), the food fight at the fruit vendors' and; of course; what is almost certainly the first gay zombie kiss in film history.

And even beyond those shoutouts there are hints of theme in the two female leads ending up heavily implied to be lovers at the end and their ultimately successful quest to break free of the cycle of violence and the self-destructiveness of the zombies.

But these are drowned out by the sheer madness of the events onscreen. But then again, boy oh boy what madness.

Not only do these zombies, as you can guess by the poster, have the intelligence to wield firearms and strategize, but they have a host of bizarre abilities, from the simple act of breathing gouts of toxic gas to seemingly warping streets into pocket gang-war dimensions if there are enough of them.

But, even beyond the zombies there are echoes of Bava/Argento-esque insanity, such as the Magician With The Golden Gun (A none-too-subtle reference to a recent film) who gives our protagonists the weapons they need to beat the zombies or the sewer... thing with a camera as part of its anatomy that seemingly produced the zombie plague to begin with.

This is a love it or hate it film for most fans of the original, who are divided on whether it is a kistchy mess or a kistchy mess that's a lot of fun with its heart in the right place, but for horror fans unacquainted with the classic original (IE, most horror fans until recently,) it is a blast that should bring joy to you in the same way Super Inframan did to Roger Ebert.

As a final note, the American dub of this film is also where the infamous "It's Gonchin' Time" line that came to be associated with the original actually came from.

The origin is quite simple, most dubbers for films of this... type back in this era really; really did not care about the films they were dubbing, and often tended to add jokes or even ad-lib.

And so, some nerd (I cannot remember his name, tho I do recall an interview recently I need to dig up) basically decided to make a pithy Ben Grimm reference in the recording booth. And thusly a stupid; stupid forced meme was born...

*Note that Scorcese's role in the production is highly disputed, so I figured it best to stay out of it, though my mind tends to lean towards the "involved enough to be considered co-director" in reasons I will not elaborate on here, for fear of starting yet another stupid fight.

[filmsthatdonotexist]

Martin Norris was  a typical success story of his era, one of those hippie-type California software developers who struck it rich via getting into the market early in the 70s-80s, a coding wizard, the usual.

But, unlike many of his contemporaries, he was never really at home in the halls of power, perhaps due to his working-class background he was always more of the hippie-type than the libertarian California Ideology-type. 

And so he found himself hating the shallow rich bastards he was constantly rubbing shoulders with, the yuppies and investor class that by his wealth he had stumbled upon the social circles of even as he had been firsthand witness to the misery these types inflicted when he grew up.

While his efforts to fund and distribute the works of smaller struggling game developers in reaction to this have been considered far more of historical note, his film making projects have a cult following in their own right. Thus the history of his first production Money Shot comes into the picture. 

The point which inspired him to make Money Shot was watching the movie “Falling Down” as a rental which, while he did get the actual point, he sardonically wondered “What if guys like that went after the actual bastards I’ve met, the ones with the power fucking things up?”

The thoughts lead to writing, shaped by his frustrations with the “third way” Democrats and the simmering undercurrent of tension in that “end of history” status quo that he felt was unsustainable, and you can see every piece of sardonic anger in that script.

The film’s plot was set in “another time, another place,” about a huge economic trade conference, the nature of which is unspecified but implied to be driven by corporate interests and hostile to the rest of human life, where politicians, captains of industry, and especially lobbyists, are dying one by one at the hands of a mysterious serial killer. 

The viewpoint character is a female police detective investigating the murders, as her broader department tries to suppress what we’re told are extremely massive riots against the trade conference (Stitched together from royalty-free stock footage due to budget restrictions) as she wonders whether she’s really serving the Good Guys.

The Serial Killer, known as “Libra Blood” or simply “Mr. Blood” by fans due to his distinctive leprous half-mask with bloodlike “streamers” beneath, is something of an anti-hero, never speaking (when “in-costume” at least) but defining himself by body language and small acts of kindness, both on the few times he runs across a bystander in the mask and the times we see him without it (Though that is revealed later in the film); that ironically being the very thing that does him in. 

This likability is helped by the extreme unlikability of the “victims,” which have been compared to the cast of American Psycho (Though Norris has said he hadn’t read the book before writing that script), often engaging in lengthy conversations that show just how cruel and disconnected they are before dying horribly. Not subtle, but definitely cathartic.

While Mr Blood’s signature weapon is often noted a sniper rifle (Perhaps due to its consistent mention as his most common implement of death), the weapon is actually used only three times in the film onscreen, most notably when a state senator’s head is exploded into a shower of gore in the middle of a dinner party. 

More often, he uses elaborate mechanical deathtraps. Which, while they are gleefully ironic and creative given their limitations, are actually toned down from the original script due to budget restrictions, including one totally expunged scene involving several gorilla suits soaked in gasoline and a hidden flamethrower in a chandelier.

The film ends when it is found out that the janitor with a photography fixation the detective has been developing a close friendship with (One of their conversations leads to the title drop in fact) is in fact Mr Blood. Their last conversation (On the nature of identities and ideals) is abruptly ended as a hail of bullets fron the other cops shreds his body to pieces, and the last shot is the detective picking up the mask and looking in its eyes, as she desires to resume his “work” in a proto-V for Vendetta twist (Though Norris reportedly had not read the original comic either until years later).

Filming was extremely low budget, mainly funded by his own money and that of friends, shooting locations procured by calling in favors, with comparisons being made to Street Trash or the films of Frank Henlotter (Albeit, with a modestly larger budget due to the wealth of Norris’ friends).

The experienced (At least as far as low-budget productions go) Claud Freyes was the director, but even he will admit that Norris was  extremely involved with the production; to the point of being considered  co-director, and most working on the production actually had surprisingly nice things to say about Norris, expressing genuine surprise that he was as competent as he was on his first film (Though he had minored in filmmaking at college)

Ironically, many of the people portraying the “victims” were not actors, but rather those who Martin’s loathing of had motivated the production; who presumed by virtue of their own shallowness that Martin wasn’t talking about them in that script and convinced to work under the pretense that this was an ordinary horror film. They do an unsettllingly good job portraying yuppie bastards, perhaps a case of actors being perfect for a part.

The film received an extremely limited theatrical release, but was shockingly popular on VHS, due to coming out in 1996 when Scream had revitalized the slasher genre but before it had reached VHS, leaving those hungry for new satirical films like it to find oddities like Money Shot, where it found a slow and growing audience.

Reportedly, Mr Norris did not intend for the film to be considered a “slasher movie,” with him more considering it to be a dark comedy, but “People bought it, they got the message, so what do I care about the genre?” 

Indeed, many historians have cited it as foretelling the 1999 WTO riots, or at least exhibiting the tensions precluding it.

Either way, Norris produced/wrote several more films, though none as modestly successful as Money Shot, and while the games he had funded/distributed for the PC market were steady sellers, he got out of the market as PC gaming appeared to be dying in the aughts; before it was revitalized by platforms such as Steam (A fact he still kicks himself over to this day)

Norris is still currently well off; due more to financial investments he made rather than even the royalty stream for the creative projects he funded/wrote/produced, and is reportedly planning on getting back into the world of film and games, out of a consternation with its current monopolistic stagnation...

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SO, believe it or not, the plot/backstory for this one was gestating in my head for months before I made the poster, I just couldn't come up with a good one for it until I happened across it by serendipity! So that's always fun!

[filmsthatdonotexist]

Filming on water sucks. We know this from the history of disasters with filming at sea, from the production nightmare with the robot shark on Jaws to the loss of an entire goddamn set on Waterworld.

Which is a problem if you want to make a pirate movie, as the graveyard of bombs from that subgenre can show. But, what if you cut the Gordian knot and just decided to make a pirate movie without the water?

That’s what Maria Crux did with Asterium, originally scripted as a homage to pirate movies in the same way as; say; Indiana Jones was to vintage film serials or Star Wars to vintage sci-fi.

The move to space was natural, given the general lower-end budgets they were used to working with (If you’ve seen any Cannon or Empire films from the era, you’ll have a rough idea) but also the popularity of sci-fi and fantasy after Star Wars blew the hell up.

But, while there were obviously significant changes for the changes in genre (Much to the original screenwriter’s begrudging annoyance), the larger DNA of the script is very visible in there, with the tropey ideas of “descendant of pirate queen rediscovering her heritage, buried treasure, a crew of misfits against an unjust order, hell even a mysterious apparition of “ghost pirates” (Even if the nature of the “ghostliness” was altered to something that somehow at once was more sci-fi but also far stranger).

But, the items that were added were gorgeous; at least as one could do on that budget, from the elephant-person imperial-pursuer-turned-first-mate who managed to have one of the most compelling arcs despite not having a single line of dialogue, to the extended homage to Melies’ A Voyage To The Moon with the living planet, to the final battle for the real treasure known as the Starmaker, amongst many others.

Even still, with the budgets, there were corners cut, the modelwork for all but the main ship was mostly kitbashed from various mass-market sci-fi model ships combined with more standard sailing ships, and most notably all the ship interiors are the same set, simply decorated differently, but through smart shooting it did seem to be a good use of budget, which they managed to put back into the excellent creature effects.

Critics back in the day mocked the combination of age of sail aesthetics and moderate magic with space travel, both unflatteringly comparing it to the Force from Star Wars and lots of jokes about how in god’s name they’re breathing in space.

But, in retrospect, the lack of explanation has been seen as a plus rather than a minus, and it is seen as an earlier example of more overt science-fantasy in modern film, as opposed to Star Wars’ more subtle use of such.

Some have said it was a knockoff of Spelljammer, but that would only be the case if it didn’t come years before that setting ever saw print. Though the tropes they share even beyond the age-of-sail-in-space can more be chalked up to convergent conceptual evolution based on simple ideas, IE a humanoid form of an African megafauna with a big gun, a one-eyed living asteroid with teeth, spidery slavers. Tho ironically the very blatant knockoff-Mindflayer costume use in several scenes goes unnoticed!

While it tested extremely well, and the studio banked heavily on it being a potential ticket to the big leagues, Asterium sadly has a reputation of something of a box-office bomb. Some say it was due to too much competition, as with many of the cult-classic genre films of the era, there were too many good films coming out at the same time and it got lost in the shuffle.

Some say it actually did extremely well on home video and was actually a massive money earner for the studio in the long-run, but issues over rights involving said screenwriter's attempt to adapt his original script as its own film kiboshed plans for future elaboration. The unknown reasoning behind the abortion of a planned action figure line pitched several years after the fact perhaps adds to this.

Either way, Asterium is perhaps upper-lower-end on the production side of the canon of 80s sci-fi/fantasy cult-classics, but still a welcome romp of 80s science-fantasy goodness, and well worth watching.

That is, if you can find it...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

There is a very specific category of film known amongst cinephiles who watch strange old films, that sort of film that's relatively slow and ponderous for nine-tenths of its runtime, and then goes absolutely bugfuck insane the last tenth. The films Society and Demonwarp immediately come to mind, as does the pastiche of such films done by Tarantino's Death Proof.

I bring this up because Sepulchre is also in this category.

For most of its time it is a slow burn story about a big-city businessman repairing an old rural mansion given to him as a part of a strange inheritance. You have the usual beats of strange split-second monster sightings (In this case the strange green headless things), curious behavior from the locals who know more than they're letting on, the protagonist becoming more and more physically and socially isolated from his life "back home," the usual for this kind of story, albeit perhaps a bit less elegantly than a Cronenberg or Lynch would have done given the shoestring budget for these scenes.

The larger plot as a whole seems heavily influenced by Lovecraft's "The Rats In The Walls," though thankfully minus the overt racism, clumsy attempts to walk around such issues in the obligatory backstory exposition aside. And indeed, in interviews the film's director/scriptwriter Paul Sawyer has cited Lovecraft as a major inspiration for the film.

Some viewers call this part of the plot suspenseful and even dreamlike, noting the strange liminal feel of the preceding scenes that the complete madness of the finale puts into sharp relief. Others call it tedious and pretentious, feeling as if the templating of its structure is far too stock and standardized and the foreshadowing is all at once thuddingly heavy-handed and miserably sluggish, like the world's slowest death by bludgeoning.

Me, I'm personally somewhere in the middle, but I will bluntly say, the ending where the titular Sepulchre does make it really worthwhile.The way in which it connects the plot threads across the location both physically and metaphorically impressed this old hand as a storyteller, and the lurid history of body horror; ritual and human sacrifice made bare after only getting a few hints about it was fascinating, but good god the real surprise was the set.

A character in its own right, not simply from its climactic appearance but by the way its prescence hangs over the film and its foreshadowing like a pall, it is is an amazingly elaborate piece, inspired of course by the seminal HR Geiger's biomechanical oveure, but also its own aesthetics, feeling as if it was designed to bring the author's impression of Lovecraft's oozing lavender prose of impossible spaces (The not-racist parts at any rate) into physical form.

I have seen the modular set design; reconfigurable and yet able to do the most elaborate setpieces, still flabbergast production designers in interviews, and the way in which the line between set design and creature effects are blurred for it is divine. One would think it seems like the sort of piece that would have cost the majority of the film's budget, and if you read interviews regarding the film's production, you would actually be correct.

The always artistically-ambitious yet budget-conscious Joseph Wright agreed to make the film after seeing the script as long as A) Everything else except that set was kept at minimum budget an B) He would be allowed to re-use and alter the elaborate set for any future productions.

The rest, of course, is history. The film did make more money than expected, especially on VHS once word of mouth got out about the notorious ending, but "made more money than expected" mainly meant "made more than just its budget + a little extra back," and the real financial windfall was from the way the set drastically cut costs on future films; heavily re-used and modified in a way allowing far higher production value than the thin budgets Wright often had.

This is why this film is considered the first of a "Recycling Trilogy," a triad of films greenlit by Wright mainly for the sake of these keystone props that could be utilized in future productions. Though, the last of these would also be the thing that introduced Wright to Ronnie and; sadly; lead to the fall of Red-Eye Productions in the end...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

Japanese synth group Neon Opera N.O. were notably unique in their focus on video as much or even moreso than their compositions, to the point where they could be considered a hybrid of short film production team that happened to make music. It helped that several of their members had backgrounds in tokusatsu, hence the way they knew how to extend a budget when it came to miniature effects and costuming.

And, it was this focus that lead them to slowly over the course of multiple videos build up a  grandiose space-opera mythology, of the cyborg (?) with the missing limb known as Aria; with missing memories to go along with it, the saga of the tomb worlds and the Cosmic Men who built them, the decaying empire of Zero versus the uncertain insurrection of One, the war over the Shining Needle, ect-cetera.

So, it wasn't much surprise when, as the culmination of their work, they released a feature-length film meant as the culmination of this story, a climax uniting all aspects of their mythology in one, in 1987. Albeit, with economical re-use of costuming and miniature sets from their previous works to keep down costs, but a still not inconsiderable budget and an entire new album's worth of score.

It was also a direct-to-laserdisc (hey, it was a popular format in Japan) release, never even considered for theatrical distribution due to the costs involved, and it overall was a modest success, though the re-use of ideas did get some criticism from fan press.

But, it was a far greater success in the US, where distribution was theatrical and by VHS, and it attracted a significant cult following for its extremely stylish visuals, wildly operatic musical styling that has been compared to a synth equivalent of Queen or Blue Oyster Cult, and surprisingly-dense-story, which the audience was not particularly familiar with due to the low distribution of Neon Opera N.O.'s videos outside of Japan.

The dub; simply titled "Aria" was surprisingly light-handed for this era too, given this was the time of Macek and the routine removal of "ethnic gestures," from imported media. There were some tweaks to the script, but overall they worked well. This was perhaps due to the efforts of Josef Wright serving as importer; on the rebound from the death of Red Eye, given the man always had an eye for knowing what he had.

This is likely what endeared him to Doki Dokuro and allowed him to form Cyborg Soul, but that was for another time.

This film's exportation success ironically allowed for the band's later survival, after a count of drug posession in the mid-90s made their names essentially mud in Japan, but they found a welcome embrace in their western fanbase, who's archival efforts were the sole reason the original videos survive.

They are reportedly working on a new conceptual series of videos that are "a very different setting, but which we think you will enjoy," though time will tell how that goes...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

While minimal-budget Nightmare on Elm Street knockoffs and small-budget fantasy films were a thing in the 1980s, Knightmare Warrior is a rare combination of the two, following a college student as she dreams of another world where she is a warrior against an ominous figure known as The Dead Knight, in ways that appear to slip into her daily life more and more.

The film is very, very clearly designed for budget consciousness. On one hand the fantasy scenes are lavish beyond the usual budget of such films, with clever use of locations and lots and lots of visual effects; puppets and clever fight coreography, with the scene depicted on the film's poster, of the leading lady fighting a gargantuan version of The Dead Knight on a cliffside.

On the other hand, the school scenes are unsettlingly minimalistic, which they try to use for a dreamlike atmosphere using the "dreams invading reality" schtick, but even then it's clear they used the bare minimum in terms of locations and sets, with any physical effects being conveyed through acting, and most of the "dreams in reality" imagery combining a fog machine and some strobe lighting with recycling props or even what is clearly B-roll from the dream sequences.

One egregious instance involving a shot of puppets that; if one has a keen eye; do not even move despite how the camera's flailing tends to make it look so. Production staff from the film have confirmed in later interviews that this is because they shot the fantasy scenes first, and did not want to pay the puppeteers to return for the later; much cheaper school-scenes.

They also clearly hired the stunt actors to just do double-duty as the main characters in a bizarre attempt at cost cutting, which does not help even despite the surprisingly above-average script. Though the leading lady is a surprisingly good actress, (which served her well in her later work with Cyborg Soul) everyone else... isn't.

Overall, if you can find the fantasy sequences on Youtube, I'd recommend watching those at the very least, as they're clearly the highlight of the film. Well, aside from that ending. With the Dead Knight stomping into a college classroom and the leading lady pulling out a sword and then... well, dangit I can't spoil it all but it sure is A Thing.

[filmsthatdonotexist]

Viewers of a certain age might remember the era of videos like the "Mind's Eye" series that existed to showcase computer-generated short films  in an age before internet video was a viability. This film, Astral 1.0, tried to go a bit more ambitious; perhaps too much so; in creating an oddity of the type that was only possible in the VHS age.

Joseph Wright, in one of his more experimental ventures under Cyborg Soul, attempted to combine the idea of a package film and a means of producing seemingly high-end films on the cheap; attempting to use a combination of practical sets/designs matching the (at the time) simplicity of computer generated imagery, along with inter-splicing and chroma-key-ing in footage from multiple pieces of short computer animation bought on-the-cheap to create the appearance of a much more expensive film.

And, looking at the end result, you can see how much effort was put in to make this work (Perhaps a bit too much, but that's for later) and how uneven the results are. The plot, perhaps taking the same conceptual step as the recently produced Reboot, was set inside the world of a computer, where a "Digital Diver" would enter to deal with "Mal-Wares" embodying corruptions of the human psyche.

Multiple ideas were introduced; such as the "digital world" connected to human psyches, or how the protagonist DD was implied to possibly be a computer program manifested in "our world" that simply worked with humans; were recycled later  into another; more famous series by Wright, but that's a story for another day.

Despite the inherent limitations, they got creative with the footage they utilized . The nororious "spider-head" pictured on the cover was from a series of ultimately unreleased pharmeceutical ads, and the tentacles were from what we could generously call an... experimental animation from a small Japanese team, thought cuts were made to conceal the extremely dubious attempt at an early CG human.

The narrative was surprisingly solid for what was essentially a chop-shop, and the sets and puppets made; while incredibly low budget, did show a degree of sincere effort in terms of integrating original narrative elements into the films they bought the rights to. Which was part of the problem.

Because, despite doing modestly well for them, in the end due to both rights and production costs, the film had cost around the same to produce as a "normal" film; with an interesting but ultimately extremely jank look. While the 1.0 implied sequels to come, in the end the other funders balked on continuing such.

Though; as a coda; part of the reason for the film's long-term cost did pay off in the end, as the far more extensive ensurance of rights that drove up the costs did ultimately mean that; while other films recycling footage like this would be trapped in legal red tape for ages, Astral 1.0 has enjoyed a surprisingly steady distribution long-term...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

The film MAGUS was interesting, in that it was originally a fan project akin to the famous "Equinox," but created later, and with a tone reflective of its era.

While its inspirations were obviously heavily taken from Harryhausen; in particular his mythological films, it was much less of a cabin in the woods-style horror movie and much more a swashbuckling sword and sorcery film; taken from not just the classic gladiator and barbarian films but also the creators' own D&D campaigns.

While the list of names that contributed was long and many of them went onto great things, the main force behind the production were the Darryl brothers, two fans in the emerging computer programming space who; thanks to a windfall of cash; decided to use some of it to make the sort of production they always wanted to see. Which, given their esoteric friend circle at the time, they were lucky enough to have plenty of help for.

The production had its fair share of impressive stop-motion effects; including the notorious Trinoculus (which was very clearly designed as a Beholder knockoff but with less tendrils for ease of animation) and the dread (and baffling) Foo-Flyer, but also much more attention was given to swordplay-based stunts and pyrotechnics and editing tricks for "magic," the former being by Eddie Hopkins; known later for his notorious... eccentricities, the latter being by the up-and-coming Claud Freyes; before he had acquired his distinctive facial scarring.

The acting was of course community theatre level, and the plot was something akin, but nobody ever came to it for the acting. Least of all Al Mason; who stumbled upon it at its first (and only) convention showing and was genuinely wowed and asked to meet the creators straight away to organized distribution With some... expansions though, hoping to pull off an Equinox-type expansion.

While there are often horror stories done regarding these practices, Al Mason was always a consumnate professional; and remarkably clever about how he used the budget, mostly shooting on sets recycled from other productions of his or the (usually state park-based) locations of the original shooting.

He also actively collaborated with the creators on writing dialogue (Which was essentially all they could do on that sort of shoestring budget) for the additional scenes; even playing a few games Dungeons and Dragons with them to get an idea of the tone.

This gave the writing a very snappy; clever quality that was one of Mason's strong points when he took the writer's chair (Albeit, slightly undermined by the actors; who he had to rehire to match the footage), and even resulted in the introduction of the main villain; the White Warlock, played by Mason himself in a surprisingly fitting re-use of an old sci-fi armor prop.

Though, the repurposing does show its seams at times; especially in the case of that villain who; while compelling; seems oddly disconnected if you look close enough and who's "defeat" is a letdown; sadly intended as a hook for a sequel that would never come due to various factors.

The film did modestly well both theatrically and on video, and if you want a mondo fantasy movie with shockingly great effects to sit down with; you could do worse!

[filmsthatdonotexist]

The first thing you should know about this film is that, by all accounts, it should not exist.

It appears to be so expensive, so extensive in its use of locations, that surely some record of its creation should exist. But it simply does not. All names connected to the production appear to be aliases and It's location of production is unknown, presumed Italian due to many context clues, but with a few others within the film contradicting such, with a fictional rating of "H" described only on some copies as "Hastur," in a way totally unconnected to the MPAA, in a situation some have compared to a bizarre version of the situation surrounding the former "X" rating.

Its date of production is estimated at some time within the 1970s or 1980s, but the fact that  this is such a wide margin of time is telling in and of itself, as is the fact that the film mainly appears to only survive in the form of copies of faded prints or in widely bootlegged VHS tapes; for there was never any copyright information attached to it as far as we know.

The plot is seemingly simple, a woman is in love with a gargantuan monster, and mutilates people in a way that, when they appear dead, they are transmogrified to monsters themselves, as she slowly transmogrifies and, in the end, realizes she has become the beast she seeks.

And yet, it is at once difficult to capture with how it scatters through time and space at once, at one point cutting from what seems to be the woman's origins as victim of occult abuse in a dungeon; to a pseudo-documentary that appears to become more surreal and unhinged in its description of the things happening in the film, to a montage of clips from multiple strange silent films thought by most scholars to be totally otherwise lost.

It can be compared to immensely; deliberately transgressive films like Sweet Movie or Saolo: 120 Days of Sodom, with large amounts of nudity; sexual assault; and gore, but it relies less on the scatological in those films but rather on the flesh itself, conflating through cinematic language the mutilation of the flesh through violence to the transmogrification of the flesh into monstrous forms through the unknown force.

Even amongst the undoubtedly expensive sets; location shooting; casting of extras; miniature effects for the Beast's rampages; and even the other creature effects; the transformation effects are egregious in their ostentatiousness, infinitely more extensive than even many contemporary high budget films could have afforded, and while there have been some online attempts to dissect how the effects were done; most parts remain a mystery; and some have speculated that certain effects may have been impossible by the effects of the era, in particular the mass-murder-transformation-orgy scene in the theatre.

The enigma of how it could have acquired such a budget is further enhanced by the many pornographic scenes therein, some hardcore, some softcore, though for most it is difficult to judge which is which due to the strange editing style of these scenes. Which could be compared to a film like Tinto Brass' Caligula in terms of pornography with a budget except for the fact that; again; there appear to be no actual records of this film's production despite its likely considerable expense.

But, the final disturbing thing is the fact that, while the footage of the actual film runs five hours, the actual runtime is at seven, occupied by multiple "Intermission" slots. Given the fact that there appear to be multiple cuts of the film with different footage added or missing in ways patchworked with these "Intermissions", these "intermissions" appear to be covering for two hours of missing footage in the film

There have been multiple attempts to assemble a "definitive cut," but there s still remains a missing thirty minutes, and all attempted producers of such cuts appear to have had psychological breakdowns after or shortly before completion. This becomes more disquieting when one notes the multiple records of people having physiological feelings of illness at watching "normal" cuts of the film, only abating at those Intermissions, with further physiological effects observed at those "definitive" cuts.

There have been few studies into whether the source is simply a self-imposed nocebo or something further, but those studies that have been done have had... disquieting results...

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Kayfabe aside, this one was partially based on a dream of mine, which I shall recount to you in full because it is perhaps even more disturbing than the fictional film that came from it.

The dream involved me and a couple of friends (Not any particular friends, just generic ones) going into this strange "movie theatre" which was supposedly at Six Flags but looked to me more like the livestock area at our county fair.

It looked very dingy, though I'm not sure in the way of a school or of a 90s-era movie theatre, it may have been a mix. There were multiple stories in that building, which was far more spacious than the weird, tucked-off corner would indicate. I remember seeing what looked like a gross mildew-y empty olympic swimming pool through some of the windows, in the center of the building, no reason why.

There may or may not have been something moving there.

The films they showed in each room were... odd. One of them I distinctly remember was this descent down what looked like a regular multiplex theatre seats but far longer, going slowly down like a weird hybrid of dark ride and film, with "people" around me that looked like 2d sprites and these "screens" floating around with stock-art-like images. It overall gave me the vibe of a combination multiplex and the feeling of a grainy photograph of a decrepit carnival ride and Shutterstock, if that makes sense. I think I recall there was a laugh track, and this weirdly stock old-timey dance music.

Another one I remember was a crudely drawn/animated Pearl from Steven Universe as a bee violently stinging other bees in what seemed to be a gory-yet-sexualized matter.

But the one I remember most in the halls was that one poster, just green text on a black background (more minimalistic than my recreation), The Ghastly Love Of Beauty And The Beast, rated H. In the dream, I understood that H was for Hastur, and that it signified something terrible.

I opened up the door to go in, and it was not a conventional theatre, but rather, a strange room that looked like one of those rooms in a fancy Victorian-type house, but made entirely of hand-sculpted pottery clay glazed with a blue checkered pattern akin to cloth, like a weird mix of lumpiness and elegance, with an crudely hydraulically operated (Think like a carnival ride, adorned with the stuff the room was made of) elevator in the middle that opened up for us. I almost went down with my friends, but at the last minute, as it was descending, I got out, and ran away.

My friends did not make it...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

During the strange time for media in the aughts, a lot of interesting works got lost in the shuffle, only to later be re-discovered via unauthorized distribution. Thus was the case for Shock Puppets, a bizarre film seemingly meant to showcase the puppetry and characters of its director Wayne Lowell.

It obviously had a very low budget, restricting its action to a theater stage (Which may have been at the Tucson-located Gaslight Theater, for those planning on Tucsonan film tourism) where a group of puppets perform various sketches and engage in (allegedly) backstage antics for a human held hostage in something of a demi-anthology format combined with what feels like an extended episode of the Muppet Show.

Of course, as one can tell by the title, it is dark. Even beyond the melancholy implications of its overarching story, a troupe of puppets that lost their creator and just kept going even as entropy set in, the characters are often bitter and angry towards each other, often inflicting (impressive for the budget) gory violence on each other over what seems like long-simmering grudges and deep gnawing despair.

It is a movie about failure and trying to dig yourself out of failure even as it becomes worse and worse and the relationships around you fall apart. But also with funny puppet antics and wild sketches; albeit again very crass and violent ones. It is funny when it intends to be, but it is funny in a way that you're not sure whether to laugh or feel sick; teetering over the line between comedy and horrifying darkness of the soul in ways that have lead to some reviewers to compare it to the modern "Lisa" series of RPGs.

The production values are shockingly high for a production of its low budget, with some impressive feats of puppetry and gore effects and a shocking amount of varied settings on the singular "stage" platform; though at times the seams often do show.

One notable moment (Depicted on the poster) is when the main puppet; Duayne the Hellion, seemingly has his puppeteer's arm "cut off" by George the Chickenhawk (There's a fair amount of that kind of grim political commentary typical of the era, albeit often more insightful than usual), and him crawling on the stump in one; unbroken shot uttering the unsettling line "Dammit George! You know we're running out of those!"

It seems to have been shot with a camcorder, but this was a deliberate decision on the part of the creator; as it adds to the unsettling; ominous atmosphere of things having gone very wrong. We know it was deliberate, in fact, because of the DVD commentary, which also informs us of the fact that this was only shot over a week (Albeit with a shocking amount of personally-done pre-production for a film of this budget); the fact that before going to DVD it got only a very tiny local release; and the fact that; Wayne included, there was a single-digit amount of people working in the cast and crew.

What is most shocking about the commentary is, despite how bitter and angry the film appears to be, how genuinely nice and sincere Mr Lowell appears to be, with the crew members genuinely seeming to like the guy. From all the little tributes references he points out; it becomes very clear the man is a genuine fan of the works of Jim Henson (And other puppeteers, but especially Mr Henson) and has a keen understanding of what made the man's work work.

This has been speculated to be perhaps why it avoids being a vehicle for simple shock value as the title and era might suggest. Because beneath all the crude humor; violence; and meanness, there's a genuine pathos and sadness for these characters, a great amount of care and warmth in a twisted sort of way; outraged at the cruelties of the greater world.

Though, there is a certain darkness that creeps into the commentary when Mr Lowell mentions his life outside of the film, his difficulties finding performance work and his broader financial issues. Which makes it ominous that; even as his creation has spread across Youtube to be found by new people even as Content ID keeps taking it down; Lowell appears to have vanished.

Some darkly suggest he ended his own life. Some have said he currently works as an electrician and simply don't go online much. Some have even said they've come out as nonbinary or genderqueer recently, and that they're planning a comeback.

Wherever they are, I hope they're happy though...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

It's often said that with success follows imitation. Thusly, the success of Charles Band's notable Full Moon Studios produced imitators. One of these imitators was Cyborg Soul Productions, formed from the ruins of Red Eye Video by its original founder Josef Wright and the Japanese company Doki-Dokuro, looking to corner the US market with the general higher quality of Japanese "V-Cinema"

To that end, they were able to come out with a debut feature that was; in a word; "solid."  The plot was a simple Western-style "rescue the hostage from enemy territory" affair, with the novelty of the "territory" being a post-apocalyptic wasteland, the "enemy" being horrible organized mutant gangs, and the "rescuer"  being a tall muscular cat-woman made as a part of a series of living weapons.

The production is as impressive as it is pragmatic as it was recycled, with those in the know likely immediately recognizing which sets were re-used/loaned from other productions and creature costumes (Aside from the all-original main one) made from multiple bits.

Even the narrative was designed with this pragmatic utility in mind, with the lack of human characters aside from the rescued hostage allowed for easier ADR, and the ruined setting allowed for a wider variety of sets to be re-used. And, the creature designs and hints of a much larger setting were likely anticipating a longer-term franchise with its own tie-in merchandice, much like Band's original Puppetmaster.

The actress for the titular creature was a Japanese female bodybuilder under the stage name "Mary Q," used at first because she feared association with the roles, and then out of the fact that she was best recognized under the role. The role was silent; due to a fear of a lack of performance talent adding unintentional kistch, but Mary Q actually managed to give a surprisingly subtle; nuanced performance with the lack of dialogue; which would be improved in the later films.

And there were many films after, as it went on to become one of Cyborg Soul's most notable franchises, for better or for worse. But, while the original does lack the more ambitious and often outright bizarre aspects of the later ones; but it is very much a solid base for films to come; and if you're looking for a B-movie to watch, you could do far worse...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

A notoriously unproduced film by Red Eye  Productions before the lawsuit that drove them into bankruptcy, the only evidence seen by the public was this poster meant to pitch the film to investors.

While most tend to riff on the fact that the poster does not actually appear to have any red in it, the film was apparently quite quite ambitious for the studio, inspired by the Japanese robot media of the time (Obvious, given the connections/fascination with the country's media by Josef Wright) and intended to be a cross-national production to bring the genre to the West; one with the largest budget planned for any of Red-Eye's original productions.

Sadly, the production was scuppered by Ronnie Sharikov's infamous lawsuit; showing that he could in fact ruin films he even had no hand in the production thereof, and as of yet, the script has not leaked; and some have speculated it may in fact be totally lost. Still, from tantalyzing implications from interviews and the brief writeup beneath the poster, fans cannot help but speculate what may have been...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

One of the more notorious brushes with becoming a "real" movie producer the notorious Ronnie Sharikov had, Zelpinsk got its start via the notorious settlement with Red-Eye Video over the VHS distribution rights to his films; which not only left the once powerful Red-Eye nearly bankrupt; but also left the producer far more flush with cash than he had ever been.

Thusly, he decided to make the move of parleying that cash; alongside his typical sketchy investors; into trying to make a big-budget cinematic release; a high-concept comedy of the type that was popular at the time; complete with studio distribution.

It was about an alledgedly-charismatic thief in a monkey mask  by the name of Zelpinski who ended up hijacking an experimental millitary vehicle; with most of the narrative about the alledgedly-madcap attempts to take the vehicle back; a scale artificially inflated by how many

Al Mason was picked as the director, but according to him "It was really Ronnie's film," with him dictating often bizarre and incoherent script and scene changes, insisting on creative decisions the other cast and crew hated, and at one point even ripping out several pages of the original script and handing over his own bizarre sequences while shouting "FOLLOW THIS! YOU WORK FOR ME, NOT HIM!"

This was also enhanced by the massive amount of press generated surrounding the film. Ronnie was quietly notorious for his horriffic treatment of basically everyone around him, but this time he made the mistake of doing that to people with actual money and actual public notability.

There were multiple stories of him showing up on set high and with a gun demanding the aforementioned bizarre alterations, and even more stories of the shady way he acquired the sets/props used in the production; admittedly impressive in scale and amount but mostly recycled from other films; which ended up on screen in a way that at once looks expensive and cheap.

The final result has been called "aggressively unfunny" by those who have seen it, with jokes that are run into the ground; scenes of allegedly-comical spectacle that manage to be both boring and overly-jarring; every -ism you could think of; Zelpinski in particular being known for being extremely unlikable and mysogynistic, and the combo transphobic/homophobic stereotype known as "Il Generallismo" that serves as the film's antagonist who ironically comes off as the most likable character of the bunch,

Surprisingly, the film was a modest theatrical success relative to its budget, if only due to the notoriety of the stories and Sharikov's bizarre antics in the press leading to people watching it for the trainwreck-appeal.

The real financial downfall was in the fact that Ronnie got it into his head that it would be a far greater success on video; due to similar experiences in the past; and thusly not only pushing a huge amount of money into his own distribution system, but massively over-printing copies of the film.

But, bad word of mouth even from those who were fond of bad movies sunk it, and the man's company was left in shambes. Though, depressingly for everyone, he did eventually make a comeback...

Fun trivia fact: Due to the results of a later court case, the names of the stars working in this film were all replaced with aliases in the credits of all VHS printings, though you can probably tell who's who if you're familiar with the era.

[filmsthatdonotexist]

The producers at notorious low-budget direct-to-video studio "Black Laser Entertainment" had an unfortunate habit of designing the posters first to sell films to investors and then actually coming up with a premise later. Such was the case for Null/Void, which was an unusual piece.

Most of the film's budget went into the studio set and the robot suit used for the film, the titular Null. The monster known as "Void" filmed with a blue-screen technique using simple images to replace the bodysuit used for the suit, and selective framing to cover up any holes in the technique.

The film makes up for this lack of budget by only using two locations outside of the city set, a "mission control" room and a cockpit; both recycled from other Black Laser productions. It appears on the surface to be a simple narrative of "hotshot robot pilot takes on kaiju while observed from mission control," and yet as the film goes on, all factors are revealed to not be what they seem, as the narrative takes on a much darker turn and becomes almost a group of character studies as much as a sci-fi actioner.

While this writer will avoid spoiling the details of the plot, this film could have been considered a precursor of Neon Genesis Evangelion in terms of the dark; existential places it goes. It could have been if not for the fact it debuted several months before that series aired its first episode in Japan.

More than likely this was due to the fact that it was helmed by one Dean Sharikov, who had a narrative ambition inherited  from his work with Walton Buckner, and due to his work in Japanese media was more likely drawing from the works that influenced Eva, with Ideon often being cited in interviews.

It was modestly profitable upon release, perhaps aided by that lurid cover that started its production, but has gained further acclaim in recent years as a bizarre hidden gem from that era of low-budget filmmaking...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

World Zero is an interesting film on several levels starting with the title, given the film debuted well before the term "World" for game levels had become common parlance.

Indeed, while the basics of the film's plot; "Arcade game causes obsession in local gamer, they lose themselves to it as the gameworld and reality merge," resemble the similar but less well-regarded "Bishop Of Battle," it has a dreamlike unsettling body horror tone all its own, and it is clear that there was a far greater degree of research and understanding of arcade culture and of the workings of games involved in this film's production...

...Well, more accurately; pre-1983 games culture, given how the script was first conceived in 1980 and was stuck in production long enough (Only getting through thanks to the advocacy of one Al Mason due to the strength of the script) that the film came out in '84; ironically one year after the infamous Gaming Crash and one year before the Nintendo Entertainment System would arrive in the US and change the gaming landscape further.

But, the less outlandish elements were in fact remarkably prescient, such as the way the titular "World Zero" game is what we would recognize today as an extremely early "open world" title, complete with saves (though the use of punchcards for such is a bit unorthodox), and the use of "conversion kits" turning other games into versions of World Zero was a nice touch.

Though, this touch was more likely intended as a place to hook the plot points regarding both the game's insidious semi-organic "growth" and its ultimate "rebellion," relating to the core twist, that its insidious hallucinatory bio-mechanical effects are not in fact an unintended consequence, but rather what it was designed to do. Which, in and of itself is perhaps extremely prescient of later criticisms of the games industry itself.

Though, regarding the horror elements, Videodrome looms as a major influence. Despite coming out relatively late into the film's production, according to director Dean Lowell, it was so similar to the ideas they were ultimately aiming for; put onto the screen; that they couldn't help but take aesthetic and thematic cues.

Certainly, the strange smeared; bubbling brightly-colored techno-organic design of the creatures and various organic "growths," often spilling out of more inorganic polygonal shapes lined with reflective tape, create an interesting look; low-budget but also far more akin to the look of pixels on a CRT, a fact that allowed them to make the "in game" footage look more like an actual title of that era with simple visual filters as opposed to some bizarre FMV.

Certainly the corporate conspiracy to "draw in" the players draws from rumors of "Men in Black" at arcades and hallucinations; though not directly from Polybius given that specifically is known to be a much later hoax; but the corporate rather than governmental origins of this horror reflexts a very deep anxiety of the direction of things in the Reagan era.

Though, like Videodrome, while the creators' utilization of this bizarre technology for control is condemned, the film is ambiguous about the technology itself and its effects; in particular the ending where the World Zero machines "rebel" against their handlers, and the final scene of their actions later; have been the subject of so many debates.

Most of these debates are insufferable, so I won't get into them.

In an odd final coda, the film has somewhat gained resurgence as a "Christmas movie" due to the fact that; in fact; it does take place during that time of year, though this is largely a coincidence due to filming starting in late '83.  

It does have a certain ironic fit to it though, what with the film's themes of isolation and organic decay...

[filmsthatdonotexist]

From looking at the cover art of Necroeclipse, you'd think this film would simply be an above-average Terminator knockoff, of the many that swarmed cinemas in the 1980s , the kind with multiple alternate titles. And, that is exactly what it is, but the things that make it above average are what make it interesting.

The plot is about a robot coming from the future  by way of an "eclipse device" to assassinate a female leader of the resistance (Doing double-duty as both the Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese analogue) that would topple the totalitarian regime that created it, taking a bit from the also-contemporary film "The Dead Zone" Which sounds straightforward enough; were it not for the multiple twists on the formula.

Notably, the future resstance leader they need to assassinate is also the original creator of the technology used to prototype the robot, so the robot has a secondary goal: To bring itself and its schematics to the man who would become the dictator of that totalitarian regime and communicate them to him for the sake of its reproduction; so that it does not wipe its own existence out when wiping out its creator, a plot point that adds the wrinkles of intrigue one would expect it would to the narrative in a way that keeps it from being simply a lesser copy.

There is also a "good" prototype robot on behalf of the resistance leader, multiple years before Terminator 2 would use a similar plot point, though their prescence is relatively minimal due to their lack of mobility by virtue of being immobile and wired to a wall; supposedly a puppet designed as an effects test for the "main" robot slightly spiffed up. They do, however, strike the killing blow on the antagonist robot in the climax, so there's that.

While the action scenes and use of limited locations are admirable for the limits they clearly had, the main robot is very clearly where most of the budget went due to both how elaborate the effects (A combination of suit acting and puppetry) are, as well as how often they are blatantly; full-frontally onscreen. There is no human disguise like the film they mimic, it is flagrantly clear that they wanted to show off to the audience how cool their robot villain was.

Though, one bizarre use of their budget is the use of a licensed track; specifically Klaus Nomi's "Total Eclipse," in the scene where the antagonist robot shoots up a grocery store full of people, while our heroine tries to escape. More likely than not it was due to somebody or other in the production staff being a fan and it being relatively cheap to license by virtue of the artist's relative obscurity. It certainly does add a bizarre; almost dreamlike air to that scene in a way that makes it one of the highlights of the film.

There is evidence that the antagonist robot was originally intended to be female; given some lines remaining in the script, implications in what few creator interviews exist, the use of the very much non-actor director as the voice of the main robot (Though he does do a shockingly excellent job) implying an early replacement, and the fact that the heroic robot had a female voice actor.

The reasons for this change are unknown, but likely have to do with funder interference, which is always disappointing...