fattestdumpling

[fattestdumpling]

One lonely morning

Ding-dini-ling! The reckless familiar sound broke through the layers of my fluffy blanket from underneath my skin and immediately started spreading in the air inside my tent, bouncing from the walls and beating my ears as if the roof wasn't actually made from soft cloth but as if it was truly marble made.

My “forgotten where lost” phone was desperately competing with my “forgotten where lost life” and violently demanded me to get up since the night prior we agreed I'll do so.

Unlike myself my phone doesn't really like the vibe of never performing promises and if I put a setting to wake me up at 5 it surely will try as it promised to. It will try cruelly and mercilessly, repeatedly and annoyingly hurting my ego and my poor tear-stained eyes until I finally take action to make it stop.

The stamina is aggressively impressive. “You're pathetic”, it says.

“Am I?”- unconvincingly I tried to fend off.

“You won't interrupt me, no matter how hard you argue” - it went on, “you're pathetic not to get that I'll never shut up just because. I'm disciplined and you aren't. Come on, get together your fat dumpling like ass and both of your chicken shaped thighs, collect both of your jelly arms with a pair of your hamster-like cheeks and be out of this bed. Come on, don't be as miserable as you were all the days prior. Come on, you promised you will definitely show up at a horizontal bar and do some pull ups. Come on, Nika, you can never expect a brighter ending, I mean any different ending while keeping going the same paths over and over again.

The voices were still debating in the back of my mind, wandering through the jungles of my intracranial space, fighting recklessly as if they were about to murder each other if offered a possibility. 

Immediately I caught up the memory of the Tiktok video clip that I had occasionally seen a couple days prior where they tell you that in order to have a change in result you gotta have some sort of imbalance in your sum of positive and negative talk inside your brain.

Recalling that, I instantly thought “Oh, that is what it was all about, here we go”.

I get up. I switch off the ringing bell of my phone and crawl out of my fluffy haunt. The fresh morning air hits my inner layer of the lungs and an immediate jim-jams appear. I haven't been doing any sports for months now and I clearly avoid trying because of imagining how embarrassing it will be now since I got very weak.

“Not now, please, just back to bed. Give me back the fluff and warmth, just close back my eyes. Please, please, kindly… I just feel so insecure and unsafe in this outside world” - the negative talk says.

“I'll be so proud of you. That won't take much time. And you don't even have to push hard. Just do whatever exercises with that quantity of repeats you can easily do.  Please, I'll be so flaming proud of” - the positive one proceeded.

Everything is blurry. “The whole day will feel less of a curse if you conquer it now” - the positive talk wins and I'm slowly letting the bar slip away from my palms after heroically done 5 pull ups. I'm so proud of you, Nika. So proud. 

[fattestdumpling]

I don't know who I am

Like why?

I don't have my own personality it's always is made of tone of pieces taken from others: friends (I barely have two), acquaintances and people we feel limeresnce towards.

When the person goes out of my life, it feels like turning my heart flash apart and cutting of the piece that belond to her.

And no one care that I'm left on the sidewalk with torn chest apart and a heart with a cu t.

She is gone. Forever. And me is only to fix myself this. To get up, fix the heart and clean the mess.

But who am I? What am I! What is me? I'm so alone.

Call me in the middle of the night to cry me out all your worries and I'll appreciate it.

I love you 👄🫂

[fattestdumpling]

TW: sh. BPD poems. Day 2

Yea self harm is pretty cool

And you love the scars

But have you ever had someone care

Me neither, pass the blade

[fattestdumpling]

BPD poems. Day 1

Transparent world, immense pain

Nothing ever will feel not in vain

Transparent world, no color on your mind

You better off stay color blind.

[fattestdumpling]

How do you deal with the pain? I don't. I just let it hurt until it can't hurt anymore.

[fattestdumpling]

- Borderline what? Border line between what and what?!

It's a condition. Called borderline personality disorder.

[fattestdumpling]

When it's Border Lite but all you can read is Border Line

[fattestdumpling]

Tell me if I'm not the only one in BPD with that

[fattestdumpling]

BPD. Just it

Getting diagnosed with BPD gives you so many answers to so many why questions. However they're never the answers you hoped to have.

[fattestdumpling]

Hey! I saw your reddit post looking for a support group for bpd people and the one im in is bigger now, in the beginning when i was around through the pandemic it was smaller and more tight knit but it still holds that same community feel

Its "the quiet bpd keep" group on discord and hopefully you feel at home there too, there's a lot of really chill people and the admins are really sweet

Hi! Sounds very nice. How do I join?

[fattestdumpling]

I've created for us with BPD a safe space which is meant to grow into a group chat of friends

Feel free to join, share and get the support you deserve from a girl who gets you

Love you.

[fattestdumpling]

FP phenomenon in borderline world

[fattestdumpling]

Welcome to BPD world

That means...

[fattestdumpling]

Welcome to BPD world.

[fattestdumpling]

TW!! (sh) I literally loathe my hips to the edge and beyond. Not just loathe them I hate them so much noone will probably ever get. I seriously can't understand how is it physically possible to live with these hips. My desire to stop living with them is insane. I know that's not how it's supposed to be. I'm torn apart. Literally. Thank you

[fattestdumpling]

TW!!(sh) Every time I think of you I look at my scars

Every time I think about you I just look at my scars. They're so pretty. So nice. So beautiful. I love them so much. They almost put me to tears. Tears of peace, joy and strength. They're saying: "look, if we've made it to heal so can you. If you watched wounds become scars you surely can watch one more day without texting him"

[fattestdumpling]

I am so done tired

So many times I felt drained but deep down I knew I was having some spare resources.

This time it starts to feel getting to the edge. I'm no longer tired. I'm absolutely dead drained

And I still keep going

Love you, xx

Fattest Dumpling