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One lonely morning
Ding-dini-ling! The reckless familiar sound broke through the layers of my fluffy blanket from underneath my skin and immediately started spreading in the air inside my tent, bouncing from the walls and beating my ears as if the roof wasn't actually made from soft cloth but as if it was truly marble made.
My “forgotten where lost” phone was desperately competing with my “forgotten where lost life” and violently demanded me to get up since the night prior we agreed I'll do so.
Unlike myself my phone doesn't really like the vibe of never performing promises and if I put a setting to wake me up at 5 it surely will try as it promised to. It will try cruelly and mercilessly, repeatedly and annoyingly hurting my ego and my poor tear-stained eyes until I finally take action to make it stop.
The stamina is aggressively impressive. “You're pathetic”, it says.
“Am I?”- unconvincingly I tried to fend off.
“You won't interrupt me, no matter how hard you argue” - it went on, “you're pathetic not to get that I'll never shut up just because. I'm disciplined and you aren't. Come on, get together your fat dumpling like ass and both of your chicken shaped thighs, collect both of your jelly arms with a pair of your hamster-like cheeks and be out of this bed. Come on, don't be as miserable as you were all the days prior. Come on, you promised you will definitely show up at a horizontal bar and do some pull ups. Come on, Nika, you can never expect a brighter ending, I mean any different ending while keeping going the same paths over and over again.
The voices were still debating in the back of my mind, wandering through the jungles of my intracranial space, fighting recklessly as if they were about to murder each other if offered a possibility.
Immediately I caught up the memory of the Tiktok video clip that I had occasionally seen a couple days prior where they tell you that in order to have a change in result you gotta have some sort of imbalance in your sum of positive and negative talk inside your brain.
Recalling that, I instantly thought “Oh, that is what it was all about, here we go”.
I get up. I switch off the ringing bell of my phone and crawl out of my fluffy haunt. The fresh morning air hits my inner layer of the lungs and an immediate jim-jams appear. I haven't been doing any sports for months now and I clearly avoid trying because of imagining how embarrassing it will be now since I got very weak.
“Not now, please, just back to bed. Give me back the fluff and warmth, just close back my eyes. Please, please, kindly… I just feel so insecure and unsafe in this outside world” - the negative talk says.
“I'll be so proud of you. That won't take much time. And you don't even have to push hard. Just do whatever exercises with that quantity of repeats you can easily do. Please, I'll be so flaming proud of” - the positive one proceeded.
Everything is blurry. “The whole day will feel less of a curse if you conquer it now” - the positive talk wins and I'm slowly letting the bar slip away from my palms after heroically done 5 pull ups. I'm so proud of you, Nika. So proud.
#fattest dumpling#actually mentally ill#tw self destruction#tw sh related#mental health#weight loss#breakup#bpd#art#sports
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I don't know who I am
Like why?
I don't have my own personality it's always is made of tone of pieces taken from others: friends (I barely have two), acquaintances and people we feel limeresnce towards.
When the person goes out of my life, it feels like turning my heart flash apart and cutting of the piece that belond to her.
And no one care that I'm left on the sidewalk with torn chest apart and a heart with a cu t.
She is gone. Forever. And me is only to fix myself this. To get up, fix the heart and clean the mess.
But who am I? What am I! What is me? I'm so alone.
Call me in the middle of the night to cry me out all your worries and I'll appreciate it.
I love you 👄🫂
#fattest dumpling#tw sh related#weight loss#bpd#art#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#breakup#artwork#distraction#frustration#attention#Pretty#pretty cure#beautiful#teenagers#falling in love#new blog#rapesurvivor
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TW: sh. BPD poems. Day 2
Yea self harm is pretty cool
And you love the scars
But have you ever had someone care
Me neither, pass the blade
#fattest dumpling#actually mentally ill#tw self destruction#tw sh related#mental health#bpd#borderline thoughts#weight loss#borderline culture is#borderline blog#borderlands
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BPD poems. Day 1
Transparent world, immense pain
Nothing ever will feel not in vain
Transparent world, no color on your mind
You better off stay color blind.
#fattest dumpling#mental health#bpd#borderline pd#borderline thoughts#actually mentally ill#actually bpd#borderline blog#bpd vent#tw self destruction#bpd quotes
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How do you deal with the pain? I don't. I just let it hurt until it can't hurt anymore.
#fattest dumpling#actually mentally ill#tw self destruction#tw sh related#chronic pain#weight loss#bpd#borderline blog#actually borderline
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- Borderline what? Border line between what and what?!
It's a condition. Called borderline personality disorder.
#fattest dumpling#actually mentally ill#tw self destruction#mental health#tw sh related#breakup#bpd#borderline pd#borderline culture is#actually borderline#borderline blog
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When it's Border Lite but all you can read is Border Line
#fattest dumpling#tw self destruction#tw sh related#bpd#actually mentally ill#borderline thoughts#breakup#borderline personality disorder#borderline culture is#actually borderline
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Tell me if I'm not the only one in BPD with that
#fattest dumpling#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#tw sh related#art#breakup#bpd#Borderline#borderline personality disorder#borderline blog#borderline pd#favorite person#depressiv#dead inside#bpd splitting#self sabotage#borderline thoughts#borderline culture is
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BPD. Just it
Getting diagnosed with BPD gives you so many answers to so many why questions. However they're never the answers you hoped to have.
#bpd stuff#actually mentally ill#tw sh related#bpd#bpd vent#bpd safe#bpd thoughts#fattest dumpling#tw self destruction#breakup
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Hey! I saw your reddit post looking for a support group for bpd people and the one im in is bigger now, in the beginning when i was around through the pandemic it was smaller and more tight knit but it still holds that same community feel
Its "the quiet bpd keep" group on discord and hopefully you feel at home there too, there's a lot of really chill people and the admins are really sweet
Hi! Sounds very nice. How do I join?
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I've created for us with BPD a safe space which is meant to grow into a group chat of friends
Feel free to join, share and get the support you deserve from a girl who gets you
Love you.
#fattest dumpling#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#tw sh related#bpd splitting#weight loss#bpd thoughts#bpd safe#bpd#actually borderline#fp bpd
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FP phenomenon in borderline world
#fattest dumpling#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#breakup#tw sh related#artwork#weight loss#bpd splitting#actually bpd#bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd safe#bpd stuff#bpd shit#bpd symptoms
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Welcome to BPD world
That means...
#fattest dumpling#weight loss#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#breakup#tw sh related#bpd safe#art#bpd#bpd vent#actually borderline#borderline pd#bpd splitting#bpd thoughts
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Welcome to BPD world.
#fattest dumpling#weight loss#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#breakup#tw sh related#bpd#artwork#actually bpd#bpd vent#bpd thoughts#bpd safe
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TW!! (sh) I literally loathe my hips to the edge and beyond. Not just loathe them I hate them so much noone will probably ever get. I seriously can't understand how is it physically possible to live with these hips. My desire to stop living with them is insane. I know that's not how it's supposed to be. I'm torn apart. Literally. Thank you
#fattest dumpling#tw disordered eating#weight loss#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#breakup#tw sh related#tw ed diet#tw ana diary
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TW!!(sh) Every time I think of you I look at my scars
Every time I think about you I just look at my scars. They're so pretty. So nice. So beautiful. I love them so much. They almost put me to tears. Tears of peace, joy and strength. They're saying: "look, if we've made it to heal so can you. If you watched wounds become scars you surely can watch one more day without texting him"
#fattest dumpling#tw disordered eating#weight loss#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#breakup#tw sh related#tw ed diet#tw ana diary#i miss you#i miss him#i miss them#i love him#i love them
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I am so done tired
So many times I felt drained but deep down I knew I was having some spare resources.
This time it starts to feel getting to the edge. I'm no longer tired. I'm absolutely dead drained
And I still keep going
Love you, xx
Fattest Dumpling
#fattest dumpling#tw disordered eating#weight loss#actually mentally ill#mental health#tw self destruction#breakup#tw sh related#tw ed diet#tw ana diary#im so tired#tired#mentally tired#im tired#i'm tired#exhausted#insomia#lonliness
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