emptylandscapes

[emptylandscapes]

Ever feel just, like alone at an event with family and friends? You just...feel like you don't matter. You try, but every time you join the conversation it dies almost immediately, and then they all leave to join different conversations...that you're not a part of. And you either follow pathetically, hoping for a different outcome, or you accept it and sit by yourself, watching people you've loved and cared about your whole life carry on being only infinitely happier you're not there to big them down.

You're superfluous, in their lives and maybe the lives of every single person around you.

I'm drunk, I'm tired, and I'm superfluous. I only wish they could call this early so i didn't have to face my own ineptitude and unlikeability anymore times tonight

[emptylandscapes]

I fucking hate this place.

And I never want to fucking return. Ever.

[emptylandscapes]

My only friends in the world treat me like shit

Yet here I am, still hanging out with them because I don't want to be alone

[emptylandscapes]

I should've stayed home

I knew I wasn't going to have a good time. I hate bars.

[emptylandscapes]

All my friends and roommates are celebrating and being happy and laughing

And I just sorta feel like curling in on myself and dissolving into nothingness. It always seems to be this way.

I wish I knew why that was

[emptylandscapes]

I don't even know what to do with the information I found out today

I want to feel hurt, betrayed, lied to and taken advantage of. In a way, I kinda do, but at the same time, I understand, I'm just sad. Like, all of the things you told me, all of the reasons you gave me. Clearly none of them were true, or at least not nearly to the extent you said they were. I understand things change, but it's only been a few months, and when last we talked about anything you said you couldn't see yourself actually being with another person for a "very long time, if ever again". It really sucks, because I tried so hard to make things work with us. I gave it my everything, and did my best to be okay with the aspects of us that hurt me. And when I realized I couldn't do that anymore, and I couldn't ask you to change for me, I walked away, and it tore me to shreds. And now I hear you're with someone else, and everything you said you couldn't give me is everything you've given him, and I guess I just don't understood why it couldn't have been me. You used to say I made you so happy. My friends told me you are toxic and manipulative. That you used me and lied to me to get what you wanted at the time. I'd like to believe that. I'd like to believe you just needed a crutch, and that you're a horrible person at your core who would tread all over my heart if given a chance. But I don't. I know you better than they do, and you're not a bad person. You're a pretty damn good person who's still figuring herself and her life out. I hope this means you're more settled in who you are and what you want from life. I wish you only the best It's just... I guess I just wish I had been with worth an attempt

[emptylandscapes]

Fuck you

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

I know exactly what you fucking said to me. Just because you can’t accept that you’re fucking wrong doesn’t make it any less true.

I HATE when you do this sort of shit. The world doesn’t revolve around you, and you’re not the god damn end all and be all. You are not always fucking right.

Get. The. Fuck. Over yourself.

[emptylandscapes]

I haven't felt like this in so long

I had almost forgotten what it was like to have absolutely no motivation to do anything

[emptylandscapes]

Well, there goes that tiny bit of comfort I had managed to obtain

Hello, once again, crushing loneliness

[emptylandscapes]

I regret you

[emptylandscapes]

My heart hurts

[emptylandscapes]

It could’ve been me

Should’ve been me.

I shouldn’t have let go

[emptylandscapes]

Why did I every fall in love with you

Why

[emptylandscapes]

I wish I had never met you

Or at least had the good sense to stay out of your life when I did.

Instead I charged forward headfirst at fullspeed, and managed to absolutely ruin myself in the process

[emptylandscapes]

You hurt me

Or rather, the situation that involved you hurt me. Badly.

I don’t think I wanted to admit it before.

Instead of walking away and getting myself away from all of that, I stayed by your side and let myself slowly be destroyed in the hopes that everything would work out.

It didn’t, and now I’ve got nothing to show for it but a scar on my heart and a sick feeling in my stomach

[emptylandscapes]

I excel at putting myself in situations that are sure to crush me

And yet I still haven’t learned.

I never learn

[emptylandscapes]

And all of that confidence I had managed to build up about us and our relationship, about everything

That's gone now. Back to feeling like an unnecessary, unwanted burden who can't do anything right