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100 Day Challenge, Day 11

So I’ve refined my goals in doing this self-guided challenge. And here is where I should share my thoughts on what I hope to get out of it:

I'm tired of feeling unfulfilled by my relationships...I want to fully love myself and have meaningful love

So,

One I need to have more meaningful relationships

Two, I need to stop making bad decisions that lead to passed behavior patterns

Three I need to be more honest about my feelings to myself and others

I gave up instant gratifications. This will help me in more ways than one. I will spend less on unnecessary items and pay off bills faster. I will give more thought to what I expect from people. As well as show people that I value myself and therefore won’t accept less from them.

Inspired by the words of other abused persons on twitter and the poetry and prose of Rupi Kaur’s first book, Milk and Honey

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100 Day Challenge

Day seven, it’s easy to stay focused when your focus is elsewhere. Having family around me keeps me honest. The true test will be when they go home and I have to find things to occupy my time. I have books. Poetry. And crafts to finish.

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100 Day Challenge

Day 5, I know I said I would blog daily but that’s just unrealistic because life and kids.

So to replace thoughts I have rented books on cd for the car and four novels I plan on reading. Maybe I’ll have more time for the actual reading when the kids go back home for the rest of their spring break. Maybe I’ll occupy my time with more exercise, who knows. But mainly, this is going well. I have support and I have peace.

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“My heart wants to come home…I wish I was beside you.”

— 5 Seconds of Summer, Beside You

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100 Day Challenge

So here we are at day two and I find it easy to withstand temptation. I know it’s still early on but I know I can do it. For me and for my sanity.

Today I was tempted but didn’t give in. Not even to destructive speech

I hope that at the end of this, I prove my worth and no longer live in fear.

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I wish the words to make it so...

“A look in your eyes And I know that I’m yours Your fingers around mine, I know you’ll never go Kiss me hard and hold me close Make me forget all my pains And not cause you anymore”

— Richa Gill (@RiichaG_)

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100 Day Challenge

inspired by Nate Maingard https://natemaingard.com/lovers/ and his amazing podcast episodes...

Inspired and willing to teach myself something new from the experience; I am embarking on a new journey. I have resolved to do a one hundred day challenge beginning today and ending on July the 3rd at midnight.

What I’m hoping to gain: new perspective and reclaimed of virtues. A new honesty

What I’m hoping to lose: a perception or stigma that I have allowed to creep into my being.

I plan to blog about it daily here

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One year at a time...

So much can change in a year. It’s almost been a year since I left my family home. I made the mistake of attaching myself to another family right away; thinking my own family could care less if I was there or not. That only made things unsettled for the kids; thinking I had replaced them. Had I? In a way, yes, I filled the void of loving care in my life with a codependent family from the streets.

Six months later I came to my senses and started putting my own family first. But was it too late? Had the damage been done? I don’t know for sure...and I’m positive my kids tell me what they think I want to hear, not the cold hard truth.

Things are definitely still up in the air with my husband. Who still doesn’t understand “why” I didn’t just stick it out. He sees the surface only: she left because she had another family (false that was a reaction) she left because she changed (false I’m still me just finally admitting dysfunction and trying to change it) she doesn’t love me as much because she loves so many other people (false. I love you the most and I learned to love myself which attracts people to me but not in a sexual way, if I was getting paid for it would you feel the same?)

I can’t let my family slip away. I’m going to keep fighting for them.

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We worship perfection because we can’t have it; if we had it, we would reject it. Perfection is inhuman, because humanity is imperfect.

Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet (via hplyrikz)

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We worship perfection because we can’t have it; if we had it, we would reject it. Perfection is inhuman, because humanity is imperfect.

Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet (via hplyrikz)

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He was my world, he was my strength, I felt safe…he gave me two beautiful girls and so many memories to keep. Never goodbye, just see you later.

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I want this so bad

Clear your mind here

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Sunshine and solitude...can't wait

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Disheartened

As a black guy, No, no as a black man I feel disheartened often Not just by media or pressure at home Or at the office But by our chocolate to caramel skinned sisters at times How?  Well allow me to describe this through rhyme.

I know we guys can be a//holes at times But forever saying we aren’t anything drills into our minds. And if you wanna avoid a heartbreak then here’s what I suggest, Pray over it, then consider your options like an instagram or Snapchat post at best

And moving on if you complain about the selection among your ethnicity Then get mad when we say “Enough of this” and date outside that group that doesn’t make sense to me Fact is there’s a stigma around mixed relationships

If someone makes you happy, no matter what their skin color then why trip?  Let them be happy

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Life is a stage, play the role you love