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omggggg so like usually i’m decently chill w valentine’s day but ive also never had a crush b4 sooooooo this one was a hell of a doozy 💀

like yeah i see him more of as a friend than a crush but also, daggers in my heart to see so many happy couples and then my lonely ass is over here like “woe is me the first time ever in my life i’ve actually been genuinely sad to be single on february 14th”

like it’s fiiinne i’m over it i’ve accepted it, still twisting the knife a little bit to watch him carry around a rose knowing it’s for someone else but c’est la vie

i think threatening to start beating him up if he chickened out and didn’t give it to her by the end of the day was nice though (thank god he actually did it otherwise i actually would’ve started pummeling him with my bag, all of us (fr like most of his close friends) would’ve been so damn disappointed)

so today was a STRUGGLE for MULTIPLE reasons 😭😭😭😭😭😭

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so today was a STRUGGLE for MULTIPLE reasons 😭😭😭😭😭😭

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bro i’m soooooooo doomed i fr thought i was getting over it (and i think atp it’s less i got over it and more that im comfortable with it now, im coexisting with it and letting it live in peace in exchange for it stopping its delusions and letting me accept nothing will come of it)

but anyways

i thought i was getting better and im realizing it’s maybe in some ways WORSE? 😭

fr got CAUGHT smiling at my phone while texting him like 3 times today where someone asked “why u keep grinning @ ur phone 🤨” LIKE BRO LEAVE ME ALONE SOMETIMES I DONT EVEN REALIZE IM DOING IT AND SOMETIMES IM LIKE “ah shit i’ve been staring into the middle distance reminiscing and my face was overtaken by a soft smile again”

AND!!!!

a mutual friend of ours fr called me out today 😭 (not intentionally but i felt called out) LIKE BROOOOO IK IM SOFT ON/WITH HIM STOP POINTING IT OUUUTTTTTTTT 😐

anyways, i’m maybe doomed?? does that seem reasonable? i’m gonna go ahead and say im semi-doomed. that seems about right

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got a nice and good reality dose yesterday, twas, well, perhaps not needed, but a good reminder nonetheless

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so i don’t think the crush is gone per se. but i do think im healing. not cured (i don’t think i’ll ever be “cured”) of these damn emotions, but healing

i think the feelings have finally settled down. All these emotions got swept in by this whirlwind tornado, but the tornado couldn’t manage to stay forever, and so it blew on past and left these feelings behind.

and at first they were new and scary and some of them were unknown, and others were familiar shapes, and a few were just a wreck of new and old things cobbled together in a confusing mess.

but now it’s like they’ve come to be excepted. no longer as alien. there’s been time for them to become embedded in the dirt and blanketed by moss. they’re just… there. no longer intruders, just part of it all.

and it’s nice. warmer. less accompanied by uncertainty or panic. i acknowledge them. i validate them. and now i move on to recognize that life must go on, and it is

not to say he doesn’t make my heart doesn’t melt just the same as it has been

i’m just far less frightened of it now, a firework turned into a nice cozy fire

going “awww” and smiling small instead of feeling like i need to scream into my pillow

i can manage this. this is nice.

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i think i’m getting better, i might just be on the road to recovery 🎉

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sad boi hours (<- experiencing withdrawals from breaking the 12 day call/movie night streak with one of their friends)

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worst part about falling for someone who’s been rapidly becoming one of my closest friends (but who i know has sights set elsewhere) is that i just keep falling harder.

i can’t call it surface level. i can’t brush it off. i know them too well. spend so much time with them. i just keep going “wow i adore this person” and almost everything i value in them as a friend becomes a double edged sword because i’d value it in a partner too.

every day is literally just a reminder that they’re an amazing person who i know for a fact i love in a friend capacity, and who i'm struggling to suppress a crush for

i don’t want how much i love them to be in any way tied to romance. i don’t want to keep having to remind myself that’s not how this goes. i want to be able to appreciate them as the wonderful person that they are without having to feel my heart crack a little because of a stupid silly crush

as weird as it sounds i keep hoping that they just finally get with the person they like so i can have some concrete evidence to shut down my delusions and get some closure.

and because i want them to be happy. kinda that above all.

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when the crush is crushing your emotional state into a million tiny pieces 😭😭😭

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chat, someone slap me. someone knock some sense into me. someone take away my copium. these hopes were never meant to fly this high, and i’m afraid they’ll break my heart when they inevitably fall

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if i have ONE MORE GOD DAMN DREAM with my crush in it where my brain paints us as anything more than friends I might actually spiral into a fit of rage. because chat i cannot handle that copium.

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call this a crush the way i want to brutally crush these feelings into a billion tiny little pieces using a sledgehammer so they can disappear forever!

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Things I Have Done that you should Absolutely Not Do if you have a Crush but know they like someone else

A(n) (in)comprehensive list that I have so thoughtfully fact-checked firsthand for all of you, because I hate myself apparently and like to string my own heart along.

✅ call them darling (verbally and over text)

✅ call them honey (verbally and over text)

✅ send them your own custom cheesy minecraft pick up lines

✅ fake (lol) flirt with them

✅ remember their favorite minecraft flower and then unprompted in-game crouch in front of them and give them the flower while you stare up at their avatar’s face

✅ almost cry when they immediately stop what they’re doing to go look for a pot so they can display the flower in your shared minecraft house and watch as they put the pot and the flower on the kitchen counter

✅ read too far into the nonexistent signs and think this means anything at all when the truth of the matter is that they’re just one of the sweetest kindest people you know and would react the same way if they were put in the same scenario(s) with someone else

✅ feel encouraged by the reception of the FIRST flower and go pick up another flower of the same kind and then go out of your way to look for a lily of the valley because you remember them saying they liked that one too

✅ almost cry again when you later spot the two flowers in their own pots next to the front door of the minecraft house

✅ have dreams about them (hard/impossible to control but so so bad for your mental health to wake up happy from a happy dream only to be immediately crushed that it was just a dream and then follow that up with chastising yourself for feeling sad it was “only a dream” because you were SUPPOSED to be trying to crush these feelings not encourage them, dammit.)

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yo my bad i did NOT mean to add that much text to the last two i guess i needed more words to describe it that i thought 😭

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when you love and you love and you love and you’re screwed and you’re screwed and your screwed and someone gave the butterflies in your stomach tiny little knives so maybe your other organs can bleed just as much your heart </3

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darling

🪻⭐️🪻⭐️🪻⭐️🪻⭐️🪻

I keep doing stupid things

Like telling you how much I care

And calling you darling

I keep doing silly things

Like smiling down at my phone

And laughing at your cheesy jokes

I promise I try to keep you out of my mind

But it’s like you found a secret passageway

When my heart paid you a visit

I never thought

That it would want

To stay

Darling

I’m sorry

I know my chances

Are stuck in the clouds

With my head

Darling

I’m so sorry

I know you want

To just be friends

Instead

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i looove having a crush. it makes me feel fuzzy feelings like wanting to throw up when i think about them and overwhelming anxiety at the thought of being perceived 🥰