dont-look-at-me-u-u

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

Dear Diary, I’m fucked ^_^

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

WE’RE NOT FUCKING DOING THIS- (<- realized the only two people they could reasonably argue they’ve had a crush on have the same fucking name)

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

*to the tune of laufey’s “Promise”*

I MADE A PROMISE

TO DISTANCE MYSELF

TOOK ONE NIGHT

I REALLY TRIED

HONESTLY, I DIDNT THINK ABOUT

HOW I HAVE SUCH HORRIBLE IMPULSEEEE CONTROL

IVE ALREADY FAILED

I JUST SENT A MEME

WITHOUT THINKINGGGG

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

dont you hate it when the overused cheesy advice (go exercise) is helpful (stopped me from wanting to curl into a ball and sob)

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

am i doomed if the phone call ended with

me: “thanks for calling with me”

him: “thanks for letting me bother you”

me: “always <3”

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

CHAT i’m COOKED (smiling at my phone when he texts me)

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

my hubris is that I desperately want a partner but i fully expect one to fall into my lap as if it doesn’t take actively searching and being open and putting effort into building up the relationship to get the kind of satisfying love that i want 🫠

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

me: i feel like there’s something i should be doing right now…

rational me: shower and then finish your work!

indulgent me: continue reading the book you started the other day!

the me i want to kill with a knife: think about all the mistakes you’ve made today and how awful they make you feel! :)

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

ohhhhhh skies above give me streeeeeeeeength

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

when you don’t currently have a crush but your brain suddenly has it in its head that you desperately want a significant other so with the strength of a kraken it latches onto the nearest friend you joke flirted with and now despite logically knowing you don’t have romantic attraction to them it almost feels like you have a crush on them but you KNOW you don’t and your brain is just substituting but you have to train yourself out of your own delusional reactions

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

ohhhhhhhh it’s baaaaack it’s back and so strong and after all this time i’d forgotten it was something that could even return.

the yearning for a thing i’ve never had. the yearning for a thing i can always see. the yearning for a thing i’ve always read about.

one day — perhaps not soon, to the chagrin of my tempestuous heart — i will find what i am longing for.

not now, unfortunately. but one day.

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

they told me to reach for the stars, but the stars have never looked farther.

how do you self assess your own limitations and worth with an unbiased eye? can it even be done?

how can i ask for an untainted truth, not swayed by feelings, when the only people who could give it to me would worry too much for my heart?

do you think this dim simmering hope could be more than just a pipe dream? it’s ok to tell me no.

give me even a chance and i’ll take it.

give me false security and i’ll crack when the blanket is ripped off and i’ve left myself with nothing more to keep me warm.

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

Don’t hug me like I'm fragile, hug me like I’m steel.

Hold me like us together is the only thing that’s real.

Don’t hold my hand so loosely as if something’s in your way.

Hold it like your only ever intention is to stay.

Don’t tell lies to me expecting me to trust you afterwards.

I won’t do it either, we both know how much it hurts.

Don’t fight my battles for me, you know I can hold my own.

I have my own voice and defenses ready to be thrown.

Don’t make the big decisions without us talking about it before.

You “reading my mind” is not a thing that I adore.

I know I’ve said a lot of don’ts, I know you have some for me too.

So let me tell you the things I love that you do.

I love it when you say my name.

I love it when we play our games.

I love the way you laugh and the way you smile.

I love the nights we just stay and cuddle for a little while.

I love that every day with you it feels like an adventure.

I love you know when staying at home’s the most I can endure.

I know I’ve said a lot of don’ts, I know you have some for me too.

But you must do most things right because I'm so in love with you.

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

Life is uncertain

So be certain of the fact

Of my love for you

———

The thing about love

Is it’s undefinable

Love has no limit

There are no words which

Encompass or do justice

To what love provokes

Love is different

For everyone who loves

Love has no repeats

Love is not something

That’s a universally

same experience

Which is why there is

Such beauty in love and all 

That it offers us

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

Ode to the Ocean

The first time I saw it I was mesmerized

Its swirls of deep greens and blues

Reflecting the rainbow sky

And its sparkling as the sun bounces off the water

Enraptured me

The clap of crashing waves

And lull of white noise

The caw of seagulls

And whoosh of wind

Alleviated my tension

And brought a smile to my face

My hair would whip back and forth

Sundress billowing in the wind

Cold biting at my face

And at my ankles, as the tide moves up

As I stand with my feet covered in sand

Its depths seem to stretch forever

Murky and mysterious the deeper you go

But beautiful and clear on the surface

It holds life and death in its freezing water

Shipwrecks half-buried in the seafloor

And sea life swimming through its reefs and currents

O’er the horizon a lonely island sits

Framed by fog and jagged shores

Lighthouse emanating a soft yellow light

Warning of the ocean’s cruel temper

Its ethereal beauty is as unparalleled

As its brutal viscousness is unmatched

Two sides of the same coin

With such extremeness only found in nature

It is a vast emptiness dotted with ships

Interrupted by spouts of droplets

Arching through the air

As whales and dolphins exhale

And the rain and lightning of storms

Whose thunder booms and shakes the earth

Yet there is a kind of calm serenity

With the caw of seagulls

And scents of seaweed

Carried by the wind

Yet there is also fear

A sense of fright 

At the visual emptiness 

Of its expanse

Both forward and below

It is true that the first time I saw it

I was mesmerized

That I was enraptured

It is also true

That I was terrified

By the strength of the tide’s pull

By the crushing pressure of water

By the burn of my lungs as I cough up the salty sea

By the helplessness that I had felt as I was pulled under

Pushed by the oceans current

The jabs of pain as I slammed into the ground

Sand digging into my skin

Such a ruthless thing

Such an alluring divine thing

Such a strange yet wonderful thing

To be in love with

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

Dotted with clouds and colored grey

The sky holds its breath as I hold mine

Sweeping through branches and chilling the air

The wind glides as my heart beats

White cherry blossoms litter the ground where I stand

Peppering the yellowing grass with life

And as the wind picks up and ushers them away

I hope they land near tombstones to pepper them with life too

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

Once was a time when

On my sister’s door there read

“Stay Out” on a sign

Today while walking

Up the steps to her bedroom

I saw a paper

Which said but one word

One request which I would try

My best to grant; “Stay”

-~-~-

yes, she had a paper sign on her door which read, “Stay Out” (with the exception of mom, of course)

yes, when she dragged me upstairs to play today, I noticed a scrap of paper on the steps

yes, it was the word “Stay” in the blue of the pen she used to write her sign, yes it was her messy handwriting

and yes, when I saw it, my first thought was, “how sweet. of course i will.”