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being clingy is such a detriment sometimes :,)

like wdym my whole body and heart is craving to cuddle and i CAN’T or WON’T LET MYSELF because i don’t want to step over someone else’s line :,)

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new strat unlocked? (going to bed so late that it’s actually early and then waking up early anyways to get little enough sleep that my body’s running on adrenaline and willpower to cancel out the feeling if being tired, allowing me to delay an activity that i’ve lately been finding unreasonable dread-inducing forcing me to confront feelings of uselessness and, for lack of a better term, “boredom” that have been, frankly, debilitating in my ability to enjoy life in moments when it’s finally calm and non stressful)

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it’s time

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wow so i’m a shit friend. just had an eye opening conversation, or more-so finally had my head be forcibly turned to something i’ve been hoping had been a non issue that i’ve been turning a half blind eye to

i’m gonna do better. i’m gonna be careful with my words, and i’m gonna be more considerate. i’m gonna knock it the fuck off and shape up.

this is more than a promise to myself, this is a promise to a friend who i love, and who im so sorry doesn’t feel that i do

reminder that always always always let people that you care about know how much you care about them and how amazing of a person they are whenever you get the chance

because sometimes they don’t hear it enough, and sometimes you don’t show it enough, or don’t show it well enough.

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reality came crashing back down, anyways i’m doing just SWELL </3

everything is fine! 🙂 *screams into my pillow like a banshee*

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everything is fine! 🙂 *screams into my pillow like a banshee*

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when u can’t tell if you just love your best friend or you’re in love with your best friend 🤪(😭)

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i fucking need to become at peace about this. because even though it’s far better than it was, i still can’t fucking take it

i don’t want my heart to ache a little every time he brings up how he feels about a certain someone else

i don’t want to feel hurt on two levels knowing how much he’s being tormented by his crush sending mixed signals

i want him to be happy and i don’t care if it’s not with me because i don’t even know if i want it to be with me

but please can my heart stop reacting negatively when the idea of him being with this other person comes up?

at this point i’m just praying it does work out for them so they can get together and he can be happy about it and i can have a concrete reason to force my freaking feelings to move on

i don’t even want to call whatever i’m feeling about him a crush because i don’t fucking know if that’s what this even is

i swear to god i’m a walking contradiction about it, and i think it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the way the world usually frames opposite gender friendships

he’s become one of my best and closest friends in like four months. i’m unreasonably comfortable around him. i love him (and he knows because i say i love you when i tell him good night because im a very openly affectionate person who is just used to that kind of stuff) and i could go on and on about how great i think he is as a person. my heart hurts when he talks about his crush. the thought of holding his hand as more than friends makes me panic hard. I don’t want to think about us being in a relationship because my brain automatically goes “no”, but that’s also because i’m thinking about it in the context of having to then navigate school with it and that gives me unimaginable anxiety.

i don’t want things to change. i want everything to change. i want to cuddle with him and tuck myself into his chest and i can’t tell if i have any romantic attraction to him because it’s overwhelmed by the just pure love and warmth i feel for him and i can’t distinguish if it’s a specific “kind”.

i just want to be close with him. and i don’t want the traditional lines that friendship draws to be in the way of that. some i want blurred and others i want gone, and some i want to stay just the same.

i want us to define our own relationship because it feels like it should be outside the terms of “friendship” and romantic. it’s its own in between where we pick and choose our favorite parts.

and yeah i guess i could describe it as platonic (but not familial).

i just… i don’t know

i love him and i want to be a very specific kind of close with him and the thing is i’ve mainly achieved that minus like, idk 3 things

it just… something still feels off, idk

anyways this has been my rant and now i feel better that i’ve sorted out my feelings

god i need a real (and attainable) crush to pivot to. i need someone to plot, preferably outside of school

i think that one would also help me

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NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! THE DELUSIONS!!!!! THEY’VE RETURNED!!!!!!!! 😭😭😔😔😔

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THIS ONE

where’s that one image that’s like “i will not announce my decent into madness but there will be signs”

because i think that’s embodying me right now

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where’s that one image that’s like “i will not announce my decent into madness but there will be signs”

because i think that’s embodying me right now

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😐😬🤢🤮😖😭🥺 <- (me when i tell a new person i care about them deeply for the first time but we’ve never really done the touchy feely stuff and so i feel cheesy and corny and stupid but i gotta speak my truth and let them know at least SOME of my feelings before it boils over the edge and i end up doing something dramatic (like attaching to them like a koala out of nowhere or word vomiting all the things i like/love about them and just how much they really mean to me (<-cringe (<- we’ve only been actual friends for like 4 months 💀))))

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speak of the devil

not me getting a notif that he texted 2 seconds after posting this

what if when i was young i dreamed of someone who was smart and kind and considerate and caring and sweet and silly who makes me laugh and would probably fit right into my side if i pulled them onto to couch to sit and cuddle and watch movies with me.

what if i found someone who’s all that and more, who i trust implicitly, who knows his way around the house and the kitchen and is capable and hard working and determined and soft and who became one of my favorite people so fast that i’d fallen in love with him as a friend long before i even deigned to seriously acknowledge that i could like him in a romantic sense

what do i do then.

when i know he likes someone else and im so petrified of making it into something it’s not or isn’t meant to be that i question if i even realistically want it to be more.

i care about him. deeply. and i struggle to tell if im mistaking the need for intimacy with a want for passion. it’s so easy to blur the lines with other friends. to be close and not worry if it’s the right kind of close.

but there’s just something… different?

i don’t know. at this point this garden of thoughts is all too familiar to me. I keep returning, keep walking the same roads, though my path is often different. i always arrive at a different flowerbed, but somehow still manage to pick the same flowers that i always do

[dont-look-at-me-u-u]

what if when i was young i dreamed of someone who was smart and kind and considerate and caring and sweet and silly who makes me laugh and would probably fit right into my side if i pulled them onto to couch to sit and cuddle and watch movies with me.

what if i found someone who’s all that and more, who i trust implicitly, who knows his way around the house and the kitchen and is capable and hard working and determined and soft and who became one of my favorite people so fast that i’d fallen in love with him as a friend long before i even deigned to seriously acknowledge that i could like him in a romantic sense

what do i do then.

when i know he likes someone else and im so petrified of making it into something it’s not or isn’t meant to be that i question if i even realistically want it to be more.

i care about him. deeply. and i struggle to tell if im mistaking the need for intimacy with a want for passion. it’s so easy to blur the lines with other friends. to be close and not worry if it’s the right kind of close.

but there’s just something… different?

i don’t know. at this point this garden of thoughts is all too familiar to me. I keep returning, keep walking the same roads, though my path is often different. i always arrive at a different flowerbed, but somehow still manage to pick the same flowers that i always do

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see, here’s the fucking problem

i keep telling myself “oh, please! stop coping!”

IT’S A LITTLE FUCKING HARD TO FUCKING DO THAT WHEN PART OF ONE OF THE INSIDE JOKES WE HAVE IN THE FRIENDSHIP IS HAVING LITERAL JUST STRAIGHT UP PET NAMES FOR EACH OTHER

IM GONNA FUCKING THROW UP

LIKE WDYM HE WATCHED ME CHANGE HIS CONTACT TO SOMETHING THAT CONTAINS “;3 🥰😍😘” LIKE IK IT’S A JOKE BUT 😭😭😭😭

WDYMMMMMM MY CONTACT IN HIS PHONE IS NOW “pumpkin 🥧” KILL ME NOOWWWWWWW

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omggggg so like usually i’m decently chill w valentine’s day but ive also never had a crush b4 sooooooo this one was a hell of a doozy 💀

like yeah i see him more of as a friend than a crush but also, daggers in my heart to see so many happy couples and then my lonely ass is over here like “woe is me the first time ever in my life i’ve actually been genuinely sad to be single on february 14th”

like it’s fiiinne i’m over it i’ve accepted it, still twisting the knife a little bit to watch him carry around a rose knowing it’s for someone else but c’est la vie

i think threatening to start beating him up if he chickened out and didn’t give it to her by the end of the day was nice though (thank god he actually did it otherwise i actually would’ve started pummeling him with my bag, all of us (fr like most of his close friends) would’ve been so damn disappointed)

so today was a STRUGGLE for MULTIPLE reasons 😭😭😭😭😭😭

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so today was a STRUGGLE for MULTIPLE reasons 😭😭😭😭😭😭