doingbetterforme

[doingbetterforme]

For the past six months or so I’ve been in what I thought was one of the most functional and promising relationships of my life. I have very strong feelings for this man, and while he told me many times that he reciprocates these feelings, I have felt a distance from him for some time now. Over the course of these months, I have built our relationship up in a way that appears now to be incredibly unhealthy and unrealistic. 

The issue finally came to a head this Monday night when he casually asked me about my plans for graduate school. When we first met, I’d told him that I wanted to pursue an MFA and I’d planned to start submitting applications this fall, but it’s not a guarantee that I would get in anywhere. I also told him at the beginning of our relationship that I’m not very happy living in this area, and I may want to live elsewhere. We talked about this and he said he would consider moving back to a large and somewhat nearby city after putting in a few more years at his current job. It turns out, his mind has changed and he has been concerned for some time that my leaving the area to pursue an MFA would mean the end of our relationship. He does not know if a future together would be a good idea. 

My feelings have largely changed in the last six months as well. I have made almost no progress in applying to MFA programs for several reasons: This year has turned up several financial hardships for me, and I am currently trying to get myself back on track. I also do not feel confident in my ability to provide a strong enough portfolio and writing samples for the programs I am interested in. Over the last four years, I have spent a lot of time and resources building a company, which has proven to exist to serve only the interests of the Artistic Director. I have not had as many opportunities to build my portfolio as I’d like because most of my time working on productions has been in a non-creative capacity. Most importantly, my depression has been winning a lot this summer and it has prevented me from being proactive in a lot of areas of my life. I do not feel sufficiently prepared to take on applying to MFA programs at this time, and do not know if I will be able to for several years still. 

This being said, I understand that if I were to find myself in a better position to pursue this dream, there are no schools in my area that offer an MFA (or even an MA) in my field. Throughout this relationship, I’d always imagined if the time came for me to submit my applications, we would figure out how to maintain our relationship from a distance temporarily. Despite the issues I have with living in our area, there is a lot here for me, and I have hopes that the company I am involved with will grow enough that it will be able to better serve the interests of all of the company members. My dearest friends and much of my family are here, and, yes, so is the man I love. I can easily see myself having a future with him, and even possibly starting a family (something I’ve been uncertain about for a long time). I’ve done my best to explain all of this to my partner, but I am now coming to terms with the fact that my inability to control my emotions has put any hope of this relationship continuing in jeopardy. 

I am not a logical decision maker. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and often find that to be detrimental. In my attempt to show this person I am willing to work this relationship into my plans for the future, I am afraid I have shown him a very ugly side of me. I spent two days crying and begging him to tell me what he wants, and didn’t give him time to think about it. 

At this point, I understand that I am in a no-win situation. If I pursue my MFA, our relationship will be over. If I put my MFA aside for now (which I had already planned on doing), he will feel responsible for my not pursuing my dream and our relationship will be over. Even if he was able to understand my desire to include him in my life decisions, I know that I have frightened him away with my emotional reaction to our conversation. In an attempt to hang on to the relationship, I've choked it to death. 

After the last time I left his place, I called to apologize for not being a good listener, and told him that I would give him space to think. I said that if he had questions, I would answer them. The next day he texted me to thank me for giving him space. I told him that I think we both need time to process this and he should get back to me when he was ready to talk. 

Of course, I couldn’t help myself and texted him. I was overwhelmed by my desire to share some things that had happened in my life, hoping that he would see I’m making progress. I allowed my impulses to get the better of me. He’s now on a weekend camping trip, and luckily out of reach. I know that every time I reached out, I was making things worse, but I do not think there is a possibility he will return with a changed mind. 

I know that I am looking at this situation from only my own very selfish perspective. It’s not for me to decide if this relationship is right for him and I understand his reasoning. We are both trying to protect ourselves, and I have not made this easy for him. My own anxiety and deep desire to make this relationship work have clouded my vision, and I am definitely responsible for how poorly this discussion has gone so far.

I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that this relationship is most likely over. I am deeply hurt and heartbroken, but I know that a lot of the reason I am is because I made this relationship more than it is in my own head. I have always had doubts this far into previous relationships. I know that six months is not a long time, but I’ve never had those doubts with him. If he allowed me, I truly believe I could spend the rest of my life loving this man. 

Ultimately, what is best for him may be what is best for me. After all, I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me.

The day that our fight began, hours before I even saw him, I wrote this poem: 

My love, it is fall

and my eyes drop like leaves

heart slowly wafting down

shaken from limb

sometimes, gently, your breeze uplifting

it soars

The journey lengthened, not halted

descent pending

[doingbetterforme]

Saw myself on film the other day

I’m playing a woman who’s quite a bit older than I am- it’s a stretch because I have a baby face. I’m used to being cast in roles where my character is supposed to be young and beautiful and I always feel pressure about that, but this experience hasn’t been like that. I’ve been allowed to be ugly and flawed and it’s so liberating. 

Watching myself, I noticed all of the things I usually hate about my appearance, but it was weird because I thought they made the story more real. I was able to see past my looks and was proud of the work I’d done. It looks like it’s going to be  a really good film, and I’m so grateful for the experience. 

It’s not every day I feel this way, but being single and in my 30′s I am so happy I don’t have to try to be someone’s dream girl anymore. I know I’ll never be a Hollywood star or a model, and I don’t have to audition for ingenue characters anymore. When given this type of opportunity, all I have to worry about is my craft. I love it.  

[doingbetterforme]

Therapist?

This guy’s advice for me was to maybe consider teaching. I am not sure if this is going to work for me. 

[doingbetterforme]

Therapy?

I have an appointment with a councilor tomorrow, but they don’t do CBT, which is what I’ve tried in the past, with mixed results. Mostly I’m completely unable to create new habits and routines, so it didn’t work and I felt like a massive failure. I guess I just don’t know what this new person’s approach is going to be like if it doesn’t involve homework and stuff. 

I’m also not sure about him in general. When we met about two weeks ago for the first time, he asked me to describe what is going on with me and I started off talking about a lot of my anxiety issues. He interrupted me and said “It seems like all of this is anxiety and not depression.” I didn’t correct him and tell him about the suicidal ideation, feelings of hopelessness,  constant fatigue, and loss of interest in basically everything. It sort of felt like he wasn’t ready to listen to everything I had to say, and that made me tentative. 

One of the biggest things I need to work on is speaking up for myself when I feel uncomfortable. I tend to play along and let others take control of situations. A lot of it is because I am very conflict avoidant. I’ve also been reflecting a lot on my youth, and the way that adults would speak to me. I was a “talkative” child, and I got tired of teachers and adults scolding me for it. I even had an acting teacher in college who taught in a way that I honestly didn’t understand, and he berated me for asking questions about our lessons. 

I feel as though I’ve turned into a person whom others often see as hard or judgmental because I sometimes clam up in conversations if I feel I’m being edged out. 

It’s snowing fat heavy flakes. They look like they’re diving to an escape. Deliberate and fast, like they won’t let the wind blow them in another direction. Why does every flake feel like it’s penetrating to the heart, even from inside where it’s warm?

[doingbetterforme]

Social Anxieties are Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

I’m definitely not dating this person, but he’s being really nice about it. 

We met on Tinder before my last relationship. Had one date and hooked up, kept in passive contact for the duration of that relationship, but I never felt like he was trying to pursue me (even before we fucked). 

A little over  a year later, I’m back on tinder, freshly out of my relationship and thinking I’m ready to go on some dates, flirt a little, buy a meal for someone, have someone buy me a meal, etc, and there he is again. Once again, it’s a match. I wonder if he remembers our encounter, or remembers me at all. We match. 

We start chatting and I really want to go on another date with him. I end up on a bad date with someone else and text him drunkenly about it on a tuesday night, and he’s so kind about it. We have a date scheduled the next day and he’s surprisingly ok with it. He even checks in to make sure I still want to go, which I do.

“I would actually really love to spend time with a guy who I feel safe and comfortable around, and maybe that's a lot to put on you, but you're that guy right now”

We have a lovely date. I tell him all about the night before, and how I felt like I was trapped and I was really upset by my behavior in the face of that feeling. He listened kindly, we talked about common interests, it seemed like it was going well. He dropped me off and gave me a hug- no kiss because of my weird night before, and I texted him after he’d left, telling him I wanted to invite him in to finish our conversation, but I didn’t. He said he would have loved to. 

We went out one week later. Went to see a movie, took some cute photos in a photo booth at the mall. It was fun, but again, no kiss goodnight. Maybe he just wants to be friends. 

But we’re texting every day. There are many days where I won’t text him, because I don’t want to seem desperate. He texts me on every one of these days, setting off an avalanche of messages I can’t help but send. I flirt, purposefully, becauseI want him to know: I am interested. We make plans to make dinner at his place. 

I’m thinking the whole day “just gonna eat dinner and go home.” The best laid plans of mice and very lonely women. We’re sitting on his couch, watching my favorite show and bonding over how great it is. He’s massaging and cuddling me, but not really making a move, so I kiss him. He kisses me back, hungrily. 

��Oh, he does want this. Cool.” I end up sleeping over. He even offered to sleep on his couch, but I wanted so badly to sleep beside him. I wanted to be held and kissed and wanted. I told him I didn’t think I was ready to have sex, he offered agin to sleep on the couch, but I didn’t want him to. Of course, I changed my mind after a few minutes of fooling around.  I haven’t had sex in two months and here is a sweet, supportive, kind person. He has no expectations of me, I don’t feel pressured in any way, I feel safe, I am ready. 

We stay up for a long time afterwards talking about important things. Not commitment talks or anything like that- I don’t believe he is in any way my boyfriend. His cat sleeps on my pillow above my head, purring. Overall, a pretty wonderful night. Plus, I made a kick-ass sauce. 

The next morning I feel like he can’t get rid of me soon enough. It’s strange, and he’s not mean about it, but I can tell he doesn’t want me to stick around and I’m being too sluggish in getting ready to leave. I text him when I get home, he texts me back. We continue texting for a week, I even bring up hanging out again, but he is vague about it. 

I get a world-rocking yeast infection and my period, so I don’t know what’s even going on. I go to the doctor and get a full STI work up, just to find out I’ll be fine, just take this pill. Of course, that means I have spent days fixating and thinking this man just gave me something, and now doesn’t have the balls to tell me he’s not interested. 

The weekend passes. He’s busy. We text a bunch on Monday and finally I ask, are we going to hang out again? I don’t want to be texting into a void. He says, he’s just busy, he’s just feeling things out, doesn’t have any expectations. I reiterate: I have no expectations of you, just wanted to make sure. 

We don’t text the next day. He texts me the following day, and for most of the next week, I try not to text him first. I’m not trying to play games, just trying not to get invested in this person I really like when he seems completely uninterested. Or maybe not uninterested? It’s very confusing and I can’t read him. We don’t text at all over the weekend, and I figure that is that. He texts me on Monday. Today is Wednesday and still, no mention of hanging out. 

I’m having a really bad day today. I fucked up at work in a bad bad way and I’m not happy about it. He asks me how my day is going, and I tell him it’s been kind of rough, he asks why. Why is he interested in my struggles? Every time I mention something not great, he jumps to attention. Does he want the drama? I don’t know. I tell him what’s going on, he is sympathetic. 

“You know, you’ve been super supportive and sweet considering the enormous amount of complaining I feel like I’ve been throwing at you and I really appreciate it. I apologize if I’ve been throwing a lot of baggage at you. You’re very kind.” I’m terrified of being too needy, and it spirals into me being even more needy. He’s sweet in his response, but I can’t help but feel that in my attempt to avoid being needy, I’ve been incredibly needy. 

And this person doesn’t even like me enough to show it. It’s absurd that I am so totally fixated on wondering whether this person likes me. He clearly doesn’t. So why is he being so nice about it? Why not just stop texting me? Why do I care?

[doingbetterforme]

They tell you all the time that it is lonely

but it’s difficult to imagine until you’re an adult, and there you are: alone. 

It’s so much easier to pick up the phone and drown out the noise of your mind, roaring. You download the app and in hours you’re frantically texting as fast as you can, wondering why these folks are still alone at 30, 32, 39 years old. What must be so wrong with them? And then you remember there must be something wrong with you. 

Maybe our parents shouldn’t be allowed to let us go until we’re well on our way. Instead of blindly grabbing whatever we could, we had to stay put until we could finally identify what is right. 

Or what if we never had the chance to get accustomed to arms around us at night. We didn’t miss the gentle loves we felt when things were good- before hearts grew apart. 

Better yet, what if we were like machines, unfeeling? All needs were practical, and losses never mourned. What is the phrase? “If wishes were horses...” 

We’d be trampled underfoot. 

[doingbetterforme]

Ok, so after vague post a few weeks ago, here I am. I ended up having an anxiety attack that day, which sent me to the doctor’s office trying to get a script for hydroxizine so that I could get through the rest of my work day. Had my follow up with my Primary, who convinced me to talk to a councilor at his office, though I was reluctant. We talked briefly before making another appointment for 2 weeks from speaking with him. 

So I’m sitting here wondering: where do I begin? What are simple things that I can do when I’m feeling so depressed or overwhelmed that I can’t bring myself to do anything? 

Anyone out there have simple things you do when you’re feeling crushed that are actually productive instead of lying in bed watching tv or getting sucked into video games?

I was asleep by 11pm last night, though it was fitful. I dreamed about the stuff I was fixating on, but I woke up about 9 hours later feeling ready to get up, which is good, I guess. How do you make something like that into a habit? I’m coming up on not being able to even get in bed by 11pm most nights starting next week, so how do I begin to build a routine?

[doingbetterforme]

Returning to tumblr because my depression is currently kicking my ass

[doingbetterforme]

Just need to reblog this beauty because it’s making my heart happy all day. 

Pre-Season💐

https://www.instagram.com/jannelford

[doingbetterforme]

Basement Hula Hoops and Tummy Terrors

I went back to that class this week with a friend and it was HOT. So hot, in fact, that I had to leave the room after about 30 minutes. I felt off for the rest of the day, tried to eat pretty healthy. For breakfast, I’d eaten some eggs and roasted potatoes, and after the class I had a salad with almonds and sunflower seeds and a yogurt with blueberries for lunch, but I finally ruined my good meal mojo with a bunch of crab dip on crackers for dinner. I thought I was drinking enough water throughout the day, but I was dizzy and disoriented feeling, especially after work. I went to my boyfriends house and just crashed out on his couch for the evening- much to his disappointment,  though he was good to me and very sweet about it. 

My tummy has been feeling really off the last few days for some reason and I can’t figure it out. Well, I’m sure it has plenty to do with my terrible eating habits, but even hours after I’ve eaten I’ve been feeling bloated and having stomach pains, or feeling on the verge of vomiting. Stressing over it probably isn’t helping. 

Hilariously, I went down to the basement at work the other day and realized we have hula hoops downstairs. I years ago, I learned a couple of tricks on a weighted hoop, and was pretty decent at them for someone who’d never done it before. The ones in our basement are the light ones that you can get at any store that sells kids toys, but I’ve been going down there and trying to do it for a couple of minutes every day when I don’t feel like working. 

I just have to remember to move my body. I can’t remember where I read this, but I wrote it down a few weeks ago. I think it was from another tumblr: I want to see what happens when I don’t give up. 

[doingbetterforme]

I guess I took a week off.

I haven’t been posting because life has been a bit busy and I haven’t had the time or the motivation to write. My mother’s house closing was a huge weight lifted, which brought along some more stressful stuff, a lot of unhealthy eating, and a weekend of doing almost nothing. The best part was that cleaning up and moving her stuff into storage got me really motivated to take care of my own space and my room is finally clean and manageable for the first time in months. I also started another blog as a 365 project where I’m trying to get rid of 1 thing per day. It’s going really well, except that I keep forgetting to post about every other day. 

Some other things have happened that I’m hoping will keep me motivated. I met with my producing partner to discuss our upcoming season- it’s really ambitious, but I’m excited for it. I also got to get a lot off my chest about the other people that we work with  and my own bullshit and she’s really supportive and sweet. She told me “we were meant to work together” when we were talking about another company member who is interested in directing. Some background- she allowed me to direct an enormous show (which was very well received) without having seen my work except in a play she and I were in together. When this guy expressed interest, she said she’d like to see him assist first. It feels really good to be valued by her. I’m constantly in awe of her work and I feel incredibly lucky that she considers me her equal. 

I also have a very good friend who moved back to her home town recently (I did this years ago after a long stint in an unforgiving city, for which I was totally unprepared) and has begun to get back into acting. She hasn’t much since my move, and I’m really proud of her for taking this step. She was cast in the first show she auditioned for at home, and we’re really excited for it. We’re not in the same place, but we’ve decided to become accountable to each other in our acting work. We both need to prepare an accent for our upcoming productions (mine will not go up until April), among other things. We decided to share and set goals for ourselves and help track each other’s progress. I’m terrible at self-motivating and this will definitely help me. 

Lastly, I deactivated my subscription to Backstage, but apparently can still get messages and have my profile up- I should have done this years ago. There’s not much to apply for where I am, but every once in a while I get a message from someone who’s producing a film up here, which happened over the weekend. I looked up the producer and he’s worked with some actors around here who are pretty good, so I’m going to meet him and discuss a (lead) role he’s interested in auditioning me for. I was a little skeptical at first because he didn’t tell me a lot about the project, but when I asked him for more info he send me a synopsis that sounds very interesting.  I’m not going to get my hopes up about being cast in this, but it is always nice to have someone reach out to you. 

I’m hoping that all of these good things can help me get on track with my goals. I manage to keep it together fairly well when I’m not busy, but the hard part is getting totally overwhelmed when it’s down to the wire with multiple projects and I’m busy with everything else. This, of course, reminds  me that there are a ton of things I need to do, which I’m dreading, but hopefully it’s good motivation to get started today. 

[doingbetterforme]

Happy weekend!

[doingbetterforme]

I have really bad PMS and this just made me so happy and also want to cry and I think I need a nap. 

From @hellolittle.theresa.erin: “Working on photographing our new fabrics for Hello Little Props….and had the best day ever.” #catsofinstagram [source: http://ift.tt/2HrsHRw ]

[doingbetterforme]

i’m mentally ill too but fucking listen to me here. you need to take responsibility for your actions regardless of whether or not they’re a product of your mental illness. you don’t get to manipulate, gaslight, take advantage of, or straight up abuse people because you’re mentally ill! you don’t! what the fuck! why are some of you still thinking it’s okay to say things like “manipulation is okay because i have _____ and need attention from my significant other” oh my god. Don’t fucking do that

[doingbetterforme]

The Weekend that Got Away

Mom and I pretty much finished moving the rest of her things into storage this weekend. We moved the cats to her friend’s house, where they’ll stay until she closes on the new place. We were supposed to have all night tonight to clean, but the new owners moved the walk-through to this evening because they had a death in the family. My mom is scrambling today, and I’m sorry that I won’t be able to help her out, but we got a lion’s share of it done yesterday, so she’s in good shape to finish in time. 

I pretty much ate whatever she wanted to all weekend, which mostly ended up being Thai food and wings. I didn’t have much time to even think about food journaling, which was probably for the better anyway. 

Today hasn’t been much different, but I’m getting there. Tomorrow is the closing and I’ll be able to start fresh. I was able to actually do some cleaning and organizing in my own apartment this weekend, and today I did something I almost never do: I made my bed before I left in the morning. 

I would like to go to a Pilates class tonight, but I’m pretty sore, so I might go tomorrow. Mom and I are going to open a bottle of champagne, say goodbye to the house, and probably have a good cry tonight. I think that will be enough of a workout for both of us. 

Overall, things are getting brighter. I still have a lot that I’m stressing about and it’s not helping with the eating habits, but I feel good about the progress I have made. I’m trying to stay positive and keep my head down till it’s all over. Encouragement welcome in all forms. 

[doingbetterforme]

Have a beautiful Sunday! Do something for you today 🧡

[doingbetterforme]

who is your biggest inspiration?

Undoubtedly, my mother, who is a warrior and an artist in every way. She is my best friend and my idol.I am also fortunate to be surrounded by a group of women, with whom I create the most exciting artistic work of my life. There are men to, but at this moment, my women friends are especially important. I’ve always been told that things start to really click in your thirties and this is being proven to me daily, thanks to them.Lastly, I have to mention my grandfather, who I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with but always felt a deep connection with. His voice is the one that I hear at my darkest moments, urging me to keep doing what I love. So that’s more than you asked for, but I think all worthy of acknowledgement.