disturbedhorselover-blog

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Why can’t I just let you love me?

You are so good to me yet I pull away and push back.

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Resources for Loved Ones of People with Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a masterpost for family, friends, and partners of those suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. 

Note: If you are seeing a reblogged version of this, be sure to check the original post, because I will be updating this post as I find/create more resources.

* * * Read this before asking us a question about an abusive loved one with BPD. * * *

Resources

Tips for loved ones of people with BPD

7 Tips for when you know and love someone with BPD

Being supportive of your BPD loved one

How can I support a loved one with BPD?

What are some tips for helping partner when I’m also mentally ill?

My loved one thinks I’m not trying, but I am?

Why does my borderline loved one keep “making up problems”?

Advice for addressing my loved one’s irrational fears?

How do I help my loved one understand I’m not going to leave them?

My loved one keeps ignoring/avoiding me?

What are some misconceptions about BPD?

What kind of stigma do they face, and what is the truth?

More information about borderline stigma?

What is it like to have BPD?

I would like to know more about people with BPD in relationships?

How can I help a suicidal loved one?

How to help a friend with BPD

How can I be there for my loved one and also take care of myself?

What’s the best way I can ask my loved one what they need from me?

How can I end a relationship with someone who has BPD?

How do I deal with being their Favorite Person?

More Information about Borderline Personality Disorder

What is BPD? What is the diagnostic criteria?

How common is BPD?

What causes BPD?

General overview of BPD?

Important BPD Terminology

What is a Favorite Person?

Recommended Reading

Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified

Recommended Links

DBT Skills and Related Info Masterpost

What’s wrong with the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?

What’s wrong with BPD Family?

What does it mean to be “neurotypical”? “Neurodivergent”? “Allistic”?

What is executive dysfunction?

Can I reblog your posts even if I don’t have BPD?

Can I send you vents or ask for personal advice?

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I have BPD, I know a lot of sex, being very sexual can be an issue Do you know if well wanting more taboo kinds of sex can be a symptom? Getting off on someone else's pain, BDSM things, Rape fantasies Pretty much any kind of taboo sex And then being mad or upset if you can't do them with your S/O

It can be part of the risk taking aspect of having BPD, for sure, especially when you find yourself escalating from just lots of sex or unprotected sex to more “kinky” or violent or extreme forms of sex. 

It can be done for thrill-seeking, for the risk. 

It can be done because we sometime need more and more extreme things to satisfy us. 

It can be done as a form of self-harm (this is the reason why I got involved in the BDSM scene in a city I used to live in, because as an asexual I used sex as a way to hurt myself, regardless of whether I was in a dominant or submissive role). 

It can be done because you may be hypersexual and need to always be experiencing new sexual things.

It can be done out of curiosity and a pursuit of new sensations.

It can be done because you’re hoping that something will go wrong while taking a risk and you’ll end up feeling some sort of pain or “punishment” for your desires.

Basically, this kind of sexual desire can be really dangerous because of how extreme it is.  If you’re not doing it safely, a lot can go wrong.  Sometimes, as I said, that’s the appeal. 

It’s also really common for borderline individuals who have experienced sexual violence, particularly sexual abuse and rape, to feel this way.  Some of us will become hypersexual, some of us will become sex-repulsed. Some of us, like me, are asexual and yet were previously engaging in a hypersexual way until something traumatizing happened and now we’re sex-repulsed.  Sometimes we flip back and forth between being hypersexual and being sex-repulsed. It can be very complicated and confusing.

As long as you’re not trying to hurt yourself, there’s nothing particularly wrong with what you’re doing and what you desire (the only concerning thing you list, in my opinion, is having rape fantasies, since I think the only people who should be allowed to engage in rape fantasies are rape survivors because that can be part of the healing process). 

When it comes to your partner, I can’t give you advice there.  We don’t do relationship advice.  But I can say that sexual compatibility is incredibly important in a sexual romantic relationship or even a casual sexual relationship.  If people have to very different levels of comfort with sex and types of sex, that can lead to a toxic dynamic in the relationship where the less comfortable person can feel pressured into doing things they’re not comfortable with in order to satisfy their partner.  That’s not a good dynamic to have.  It can lead to a lot of guilt-tripping and coercion and manipulation and unwilling consent.  It can lead to really bad sexual experiences if both people aren’t into it.  You have to respect each others’ comfort zones and boundaries.

If your partner and you are just not compatible in this way, and sex is a really important thing to you, maybe consider that this might not be the relationship for you if you and your partner don’t have a happy sex life.  Open relationships can sometimes be a solution to this, but sometimes they too can result in unhealthy or toxic dynamics.  It’s up to you to work it out and understand you won’t get everything you want.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to engage in “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and is between consenting adults who know what the limits are and how to be safe.  This might be difficult for borderlines because we might not WANT to be safe.

Therefore, I really encourage you to analyze whether you have these desires for healthy reasons.  I’m not saying they’re automatically unhealthy (except the rape fantasies without a specific context), I’m saying that borderlines who are hypersexual often have other motivating factors behind their desires other than just really liking sex.  So you need to figure out if that’s the case for you and whether this is healthy.

TL;DR: Extreme sexual desires and extreme types of sex can absolutely be expressions of the impulsive risk-taking aspect of BPD, and there are many reasons that borderline individuals are hypersexual.  Ultimately there’s nothing wrong with being hypersexual and enjoying “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and all parties are consenting adults.  Be careful though, extreme sex, especially BDSM scenes, can quickly become toxic if not done correctly and safely.

-Pandora

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Short Description of DBT Skills

This is just a short directory to explain, in one sentence or two, what these concepts mean, and what the use of each skill is by defining it.  Come to this page if you can’t remember what IMPROVE or DEAR MAN stands for, but don’t want to have to read the long post that introduced those skills on SBD.

See the DBT Skills Masterpost for posts that go into each of these skills or sets of skills in depth.

Mindfulness Skills:

Wise Mind: The Wise Mind is the balance between Emotion Mind and Logic/Reasonable Mind

Observe: Notice without getting caught in the experience.  Experience without reacting to the experience.

Describe: When a feeling or thought arises, or you act, acknowledge it with a description of the thought or action or sensation, etc.  Describe to yourself what is happening and label your feelings.

Participate: Enter into your experiences, act intuitively, be completely immersed in the experience, in the present.

Non-Judgmental: See, but don’t evaluate.  Focus on the “what” happened, not on what “should” or “should not” have happened.

One-Mindful: Focus on the moment–do one thing at a time and completely focus on what you are doing or whom you are with.  Let go of distractions.

Effective:  Do just what is necessary in a situation to achieve your goals.  Focus on what works, and direct your efforts there.  Act skillfully, because the more you practice acting skillfully, the more Effective you will become at attaining your goals.

Distress Tolerance Skills:

STOP:  Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed Mindfully

TIP: Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing/Paired Muscle Relaxation/Progressive Muscle Relaxation (used to change your level of distress quickly)

Distract using Wise Mind ACCEPTS: Distract yourself with Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, Sensations

Self-Soothe: Use the senses (vision, hearing, taste, smell, touch) to soothe your physical self in order to make your emotions less painful.

IMPROVE the Moment: Improve the moment with Imagery, Meaning, Prayer, Relaxation, One thing in the moment, Vacations, Encouragement

Pros and Cons: Examine the short term and long term pros and cons of acting and not acting on your urges/impulses using a chart.

Radical Acceptance/Reality Acknowledgement: Acknowledge what is, let go of fighting or denying reality.  Use TURNING THE MIND to commit to acknowledgement over and over again.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills:

Clarified Priorities: What is most important to you in this interpersonal interaction 1) Obtaining your objective, 2) Maintaining the relationship, or 3) Maintaining your self-esteem/sense of self-worth

DEAR MAN: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate (used for saying “no” or asking for something; obtaining your objective)

GIVE: Be Gentle, act/be Interested, Validate, use an Easy manner (used for maintaining a relationship)

FAST: Be Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values, be Truthful (used to maintain your self-esteem/sense of self-worth)

Emotion Regulation Skills:

PLEASE: For reducing vulnerability, treat PhysicaL illness, balance Eating, avoid mood-Alerting drugs (as in street drugs or non-prescription drugs), balance Sleep, get Exercise

ABC: Accumulate Positive Emotions/Experiences: For reducing vulnerabilities in the Short Term: Do pleasant things that are possible now.  For reducing vulnerabilities in the Long Term: Make changes in your life so that positive events will occur more often.  This helps “build a life worth living for you.”

ABC: Build Mastery: Engage in activities that make you feel competent and in control.

ABC: Cope Ahead: Cope ahead of time with emotional situations.  Rehearse a plan ahead of time so that you are prepared to cope skillfully with emotional situations.

Opposite Action: Change emotions by acting opposite to current emotions/urges. Used for when emotions don’t fit the facts of a situation.

Check the Facts: Check out whether your reactions (emotional or behavioural) fit the facts of the situation.  Changing beliefs and assumptions to fit the facts can help you change your emotional reactions to situations.

Problem Solve: When the facts themselves are the problem, solving emotional problems consistently and effectively will reduce the frequency of negative emotions and increase your sense of competency in regards to dealing with these emotions/urges.

-Pandora

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little things that can help you if you have bpd

i’ve been seeing a lot of topics like “how to deal with someone who has bpd” and it always bothers me, because there is basically no topics about how to deal if YOU have bpd. that’s why i’m making this post, in my opinion as someone who has bpd. feel free to leave other tips and comment!

buy a notepad and write about your emotions. in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), used a lot to help people with BPD, they tend to help others to regulate their emotions, basing on some principles, like:

identify and classify emotions; usually, people with BPD suffered/suffer from emotional abuse and it makes harder for us to have a knowledge about our feelings, since we never had someone to help us in this aspect. if you have hard times dealing with your emotions, you can create a special organization on your notepad, basing on: what just happened that could be a possibly trigger to your feeling? (EVEN IF IT’S SOMETHING MINOR, for example, if your friend replied to you in a different way, if you saw an image that made you feel uncomfortable); what are your physical symptoms about it? (for example, if you feel butterflies in your stomach, you are possibly anxious); what does this feeling make you want to do? (for example, if you feel like you want to hit something, you are possibly experiencing anger). and, also, try to identify your primary and secondary emotions, for example, if a friend forgets about an event that you would go together, first you may feel anger, but this anger can be followed by frustation or sadness (secondary emotions).

how to “change” your emotions; after writing about your emotions and trying to learn about them, you can add a subject in your notepad about “WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS FEELING”. your first thoughts may be pessimists, specially because borderlines are VERY impulsives, like “i should probably self-harm” or even “i should probably kill myself”, due to the intensity of bpd emotions, but right now, you have to think with your rationality. for example, if your friend is delaying to reply, you can think about the possibilities that are causing this problem: if they are busy, if they are having a hard time or if they just don’t want to talk right now. after thinking about the situation as a whole, you’ll ask yourself “okay, but what will i do?” and that’s why i think it’s important to create a list about what makes you happy and what distracts you, so everytime you have a hard situation to deal with, you can check on your list. “oh, i’m having x problem, but in my list it says that painting makes me happy, so what about painting something i saw today?”. if you don’t have anything that you like about, there is an app called Calm Harm, that can help you in self-harm situations!

increase and improve positive emotional events; i know that it’s difficult for us to focus on positive moments, but once you are feeling down, please try to write about what happened in your day that was a good thing. and when i say it, i don’t mean a BIG thing, it can be something like seeing a flower in your garden. write about your sensations when your experienced this moment and think about the possibility of living this moment more than once. for example, if i saw a flower and it made me happy, can i try to plant one, so i’ll see it more often?

apply pressure tolerance techniques; by distraction, self-care, improving the moment and considering pros and cons.

SO, in your notepad, have a space to: first, identify and classify your emotions; second, a space to write about how to change your emotions; third, a space to write about positive emotional events and fourth, write about what pressure tolerance techniqures you can apply to your life. 

practice saying no and saying what you need to the people around you; sometimes people with BPD tend to think that we are a burden to friends and family, and sometimes it’s not true. due to it, we often don’t tell what we really want. so, if you could, please, practice saying NO and what you REALLY need and want to people around you, even if it’s minor things. for example, if someone asks you to lunch with them, but you can’t/don’t want to, don’t let your abandonment fear decides what it’s the best for you, just say no, but not in the intention to hurt the other person. “i’m sorry, i really like you, but i can’t or don’t want to, since i have to do x thing/feeling x thing, but i really like you!”. when you say no, you can have a better idea about what you like and what you don’t, so you can start to let people know about it. for example, “hey! yesterday i said no when you invited me for lunch, so i realized i don’t really like going to public places, what about having lunch in my house next time?”

practice breathing techniques; intense emotions can lead us to panic situations or really bad physical symptoms. in stressing moments, we hold the air, increasing the level of carbon dioxide in our system, so the organism thinks we need more oxygen and make us breathe faster. the imbalance increases our heart beats, our blood pressure and the release of hormones such as adrenaline. i recommend ASMR videos to relax and you can breathe slowly, imagining a circle opening and closing, like the gif:

the post is getting long, so i’ll finish here! i’ll probably post a part two if you guys like! please leave a comment if it was helpful and i’m sorry if my grammar wasn’t very correct, english is not my native language.

remember that everything here is theoritical and it’s hard to apply these tips in your life, things will not suddenly change. but i believe in you and things take time, so don’t give up on getting better.

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Does anybody else spend months on end in a crippling depression, barely able to function for weeks? Or is it just me…?

I’ve barley (if at all at times) been able to maintain a social life for a few months now, couldn’t keep up the cleanliness of my world around me, felt so weak and emotionally bankrupt that I’ve I felt like giving up again.

Then there’s the process of cautiously getting back in touch with my emotions once more. Finding my feet beneath me shakily at first but growing more confident each day. I’m starting to reconnect with friends, finding myself beginning to laugh at things, smile and actually feel good about it. Finally I’m starting to see there’s hope still around me, pushing me forward into the next phase of life.

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I feel like no one cares if I relapse. Except me.

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Switching psych meds got me like alright we gonna be depressed or manic first? Naw bitch we gonna be both 😒

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Addicted to the dripppp

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And with a single breath she blew it all away.

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Sometimes the best things or people come into your life when you’re least expecting. Are you gonna open the door when opportunity knocks?

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Antarctica $uicideboy$ meaning

The whole song is a impressive methaphor of extreme anxiety and depression, but why the name Antarctica? Well i had this question for two years in my head and ended just thinking that was a random name but it isnt it has a very interesting story. Well lets start with easy things such as we all know Antarctica is one of the 7th continents in Earth. In this continent we have only a few biomes and in all of them we have ice, extremely low temperatures and loneliness. Here we have the first reason of this name for a masterpiece but is not the only one. When ruby saiys in the last verse ~Ill shank my knees then walk the plank and freeze~ we have there the most important reference to the iced continent but also to a extremely distressing situation that is the fact of trying to kill yourself but ending not doing it because you cant even score that. Is not easy to understand, is very complex indeed. Just imagine that when ur about to do it something in your body fails and “saves you” from death. Shank the knees means when you hurt yourself with the goal of ending your life, walk the plank means approach to death as it was a void were you fall and finally freeze is the act of you immobilized as you watch this void sorrouded by stress and pain and cant do anything about it, you just cant end the action of suicide. Ruby is the lord of loneliness because he reigns in his own continent (his mind) that as cold and empty as is Antarctica.

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music has kept me company through the loneliest moments of my life

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“To feel hurt is to be human. The whole gamut of emotions is completely natural; to minimize our sadness is to undermine our joy.”

— Brett Elena, “Facts”

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the world is ugly, but you’re beautiful to me

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Yo

in a threesome with anxiety and depression