demisexualsnail

[demisexualsnail]

ive got my first tattoo two days ago :)

[demisexualsnail]

should i join a local trans identities support group? (help im scared?)

someone please tell me their experiences on support groups

[demisexualsnail]

i've realised that im not cis in high school around 16 years old during lockdown. thinking back on childhood i never liked being typically girly and typically boyish. ive always mixed these two. my barbies were mechanics and my lego houses were built by women. i played knights in skirts and was always the dog of the family or maybe the father but only if my friends didnt want an animal in the game. i liked playing in mixed sports teams and was pissed when we got seperated in middle school. i hated the girls dressing room to get changed.

the beginning of high school when i got boobs i hoped for breast cancer. every night it was my only wish to falls asleep to. sometimes it still is. for two years ive only worn sports bras till my mom said i need a real bra bc otherwise my boobs will get saggy. the shop with all the bras was horror.

in the middle of high school before covid, during dancing lessons and starting to go out i forced myself into a box of femininity. ive always loved makeup but i had the THICKEST eyeliner. always. even on weekends and when i was sick i did my makeup. i miss doing it now sometimes: the funny and colorful looks. i bought thigh dresses for dancing lessons when all i wanted to do was wear a suit and ask a girl to dance with me. but j had to wait till someone asks me.

during the end of high school and during covid i started to realise that i am more than just a box that i need to shove myself into. also at that time instagram started to allow users to put their pronouns in their bio. i chose she/they for funsies as in german there is no “they”.

from there on it was a striaght line. not thinking or not wanting to think about it anymore. but then my partner asked about it and a wall broke down. with them talking to me about their identity i realized how i feel about me.

now in uni i hate it when people call me miss. in german there is no gender neutral possibility to adress someone so i always get called miss. i dress the same every day. its black pants, black hoodie. i miss color. but color makes my boobs look huge. i hate going out like that.

at the end of 2023 i did therapy to get a mastectomy but i had to end it before i got to a diagnosis. at the start of 2024 i thought: this year im gonna tell everyone. i did not. i thought about a better name for myself. i wanted one with the same initial. i maybe found a good one. i’ve told two friends about it. im not using it. at the start of 2025 i thought i'll try the name this year, maybe during the senester holidays in february. i did not. maybe with the new semester starting march. i told no one yet. maybe soon. maybe next year. maybe after university in some years.

i know i dont wanna die a woman. i dont wanna be remembered as a woman. but the thought of tellong everyone is scary.

[demisexualsnail]

[demisexualsnail]

if you’re a trans guy and you want to start dressing more femme but you think you need to do it in the femboy way or generally be skinny and hairless to present femme. that is the devil talking and you need to shoot it with a gun

[demisexualsnail]

i've had a breakdown at work yesterday bc I made a silly little mistake and I just had to cry and suddenly my thoughts started spinning and I thought about everything: missing home, missing my best friend, being scared no one at work likes me bc I doesn't feel like that or my brain just doesn't want it to feel like it idk, not wanting to go to uni again bc I'll get called "Ms." again and not wanting to perform as someone who I am not. Performing at work, at home, at uni. I miss school where I had people to talk to, tell jokes for. I miss my classmates laughing - at uni no one wants to talk no one wants to get to know anyone. I am 5 semesters in and I have 3 acquaintances but no friends. I miss seeing my best friend 5 days out of 7. I miss who I was. I miss my silly little teen problems. I miss me.

[demisexualsnail]

dont mind my crying- its just a tiktok filter for once not making me a girl AND GIVING ME A BEARD I DONT HAVE IN REAL LIFE

[demisexualsnail]

what if i try to write a book about a butch knight and a trans femme princess?

[demisexualsnail]

also happy lesbian visibility week!! i see you all lesbians! you all get a forehead kiss or a new carabiner from me- whatever you want!

[demisexualsnail]

i found a flat and i will be moving in together with my partner! im looking forward to our own little queer household, maybe trying out new pronouns freely and just being able to be with each other whenever we want!

[demisexualsnail]

I'm also currently looking for a flat so I can move out of my student apartment where the stove is next to my pillow... also I finally wanna be the plant dad that I am on the inside and hang cool posters up on the wall...

[demisexualsnail]

For a university course about queer representation my boyfriend and I will do a project together. it is an open project and we could do anything it just needs to refer to something we did in the course. and because we talked about drag queens in de Near East and watched a documentary in which one queen said that everyone should try drag once, we thought to both do a drag look. we came to the conclusion to do cowboy drag kings :)

[demisexualsnail]

Tomorrow I’m gonna look at a new apartment and I hope I’ll get it! I desperately want to move out of my student-apartment… I can’t keep living with my bed next to my stove…

Also I want to hang up some art on the walls and just be free!

[demisexualsnail]

long time no see, but I finally got a job and I am a 100% sure on of my bosses is queer. and its a small café which always sponsored queer events and they have a pride flag outside. I'm really looking forward to my first shift!

[demisexualsnail]

[demisexualsnail]

Im scared for my future.

What’s gonna happen if I tell my friends. What’s gonna happen if I tell my family. What if I tell them my name makes me feel sick to the stomach. The name my mother chose for me. What if I tell them that my body is giving me a headache because it makes me cry so much. What if I tell them that I’m scared that I’ll never be as happy as the guy next to me in class or the girl on the bus that I’ve seen this morning. They may have problems too but to me they seem free.

I want to be free. But fear is holding me back.

[demisexualsnail]

Told my professor to please not call me „Ms.“. She apologized for assuming my gender and said she’ll try to do better and just call me by my surname!