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daisymayjohnson · 4 years ago

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Is he mad that I called him narcissist in group chat?

Let’s do some spirit breaking exercises!

Well you certainly proved a point. I’m just not sure if it was the one that you wanted.

Was I actually supposed to catch that? Because I didn’t.

Honeymoon suite? Really? Are you trying to subtly hint me something?

Thank God for your whorish ways.

I know what I’m trying to write Google, stop trying to fuck me over.

Why does he look like he’s holding her captive?

I’m stuck in this fucking chair.

This is passive aggressive cheerleading.

Stop wiping your fingers on me!

With jokes like those, you’ll be kicked off of the bed.

This is more expensive than drugs.

Did I just watch you give yourself whiplash.

We could fly your family here. Get married right here.

Are you sure you don’t want to take off even one of the eight layers of clothing you have on?

Aside peasant! I came to see your cats, not you.

The groceries don’t just magically appear in the fridge!

Just give me one good non-movie example?

Stop trying to play grown ups with me.

Your cursing just makes me giggle.

Try something else if you wanna be intimidating.

Don’t lock me in here!

Just tie your damn shoes.

“Nothing more satisfying than watching a fire that you started.” “You sound like an arsonist every day more and more.”

We shouldn’t be so excited about jenga.

If I couldn’t look back at the texts from last night, I would never know where the hell I was.

Okay… That is now settled, yeah? Maybe we can now get out of here and get the lunch that I was promised.

I over shared, right? I’ll dial it back a bit.

I didn’t know you were emotionally attached to this dress.

Did you steal the women’s magazines from the dentist office again?

My most annoying habits include following my loved ones around singing annoying songs.

We really need to stop race-walking everywhere.

We need to work on your small talk. Asking new people you meet how they would like to die is kinda creepy.

“You would know if I was trying to threaten you.” “I think that just was a threat!”

There’s usually a reason when people don’t return my phone calls but I’m not sure what I have ever done anything to make them not like me.

The armband is an nice addiction to the already ambiguous getup.

Combining the curse words doesn’t make the more hurtful! It’s just momentarily makes everybody confused!

Was that supposed to be wink or did you blink at different times on purpose?

“It’s nothing personal.” “Do you somehow think that saying that after the shitfest that came out of your mouth will diffuse the situation?”

Well if my sleeping schedule already wasn’t ran over by a train, it is now.

“Could I have a strand of your hair?” “What, I’m not fucking Galadriel!”

Why are we attempting to jump rope with an apron? In our kitchen. This early in the morning.

Ah… Why did you have to drop the camera on me?

How about you don’t touch me and you have somebody else pat me down instead?

Raise your hand if you want a speaking turn, asshole.

The grey hairs are really popping out tonight.

“It’s a violent world.” “Well could you stop contributing to it?”

What does your middle finger gesture other than to telling me what finger I’m gonna make them to cut off?

She gets you out of one problem and you go and create an another one.

When we go in, don’t do anything fucking weird you usually do.

Why didn’t nobody tell me that the assholes were coming here too?

This is the shit that annoys her. And you still keep doing that.

I did do that. But it was mostly an accident, so…

Maybe you shouldn’t pre-game this time.

You know you are going to just known as partly as my wife.

Lot of the guys still owe him favors.

You did spend lot of quality time in my bathroom for what it’s worth.

And he’s trying to call me stupid though he’s doing the same shit.

You are trying to redeem yourself, don’t think that isn’t being noticed.

You are allowed to be mad at her.

You were going to drop to one knee and propose.

Doesn’t matter what happens, who we are years from now… You call me and I’ll always listen.

I think that ‘fuck you’ should be directed at your mother.

Hand on heart, 15 years of friendship and this is the most impressed I have ever been of you.

I just want to say… I don’t think I have done enough bad things to deserve this.

The idiot in me - which is a big part of me - tells me that this can’t be that bad of an idea.

Sorry, I was listening to the other motherfucker screaming at me!

The attitude is shirry but I’m dealing with it.

Did you just throw a cup of noodles in his face? I know it’s very early - but are we the stupidest so far?

It’s such a bad moment when she is the smart one.

Who’s saying that my ADHD makes me shit at problem solving?

You went through all of that alone. And now you don’t need to.

She’s willing to give all that and you are still judging.

I didn’t think they would let me do it so when they did I had no choice other than to actually do it.

I’ll be watching it like a fucking hawk!

Did we just got taken out by an camper van?!

How nice of you to think that my old college shirts fit me anymore.

This is exactly why I stopped going outside with you! Nobody would ever chase me if I was on my own!

You don’t let that fucking hand head and soon we are gonna be amputing the thing!

I don’t know where the fuck you came from but go back there!

I’m not disputing you don’t have brain damage - I’m just telling you to let somebody else diagnose you than yourself.

Ugh, get it together. Fucking weak…

You are the bitch I never wanted but always had. You think I’ll get on my knees to beg? No.

“What is that white sponge?” “Tofu. It’s tofu.”

Hold your tongue. You still need more evidence to make this all stick. I thought this was going to be witty but this is just creepy.

“You got them dad jokes?” “Yeah man, I got ‘em dad jokes.”

My whole apartment could fucking fit in here!

His therapist called it a tyranny.

It’s a tattoo she’s been hiding from you - not a secret child! Why are you worked up about it?

Next time you wanna mess around with face paint, please don’t sleep with it.

“Somebody’s at the door.” “Maybe it’s the neighbours door…”

Hey, gimme a hair tie. I have broken every single one I own today and I’m too close to cutting my hair off.

When was the last concussion you had?

“Why did you have to do that?” “It made you laugh. That’s why.”

Let her get up by herself.

Are we seeing somebody about to be slapped?

That’s painful. I don’t care what you try to tell me to deny it.

“Look! I told you I could fix it!” “Luck. Nothing else.”

You really want me to dump all the information at once to him? You don’t think that will destroy him?

Dedication usually goes hand in hand with loyalty.

Some manage better with pain than others.

Do you want to play a coroner for awhile?

That is the most broken thing I have ever seen. No amount of glue is going to keep tha together.

“Why are you staring at him?” “Well I don’t know why you are, but I’m practicing my kill stare.”

Do you really think that they will march to your orders for much longer?

“Do you know what you are doing?” “Good question. You are about to fuck a man who kinda is dangerous.”

I have gotten a lot of death threats before but this is very specific.

“You are going to impersonate a government agent?” “And you are about to impersonate my partner in crime, so smile a little and pretend that you don’t hate this plan.”

It went where I pointed it. That was the point, right?

Pretending to be matador are we?

We both know you’re a lot more stronger than you pretend to be.

You brided the pilot with that? I’m impressed by you and currently concerned that he’s our pilot.

“Wha - Get your face out of my hair.” “I’m just trying to mask the smell of the shit floating around.”

Was that an attempt to guess my real name or just make fun of it?

I’ll act as your wingman but I need you to come with me to a waterpark tomorrow.

Try to wear your clothes the next time.

Should we call the Ghostbusters?

Are you sexting my boyfriend for me?

How are you so dumb? It’s red food coloring.

Are you suggesting an orgy?

This is a business meeting not an grope meeting.

Why are we braiding things into his hair?

Are we going to pretend that we have a child or are we owning up that we drink kid’s juice boxes?

No wonder that your parents like your brother better than you.

I told you they would get infected

You got an another cracked rib? Wow.

Don’t touch the car. Don’t even look at it, don’t breathe on it.

I’d like to say that I have learned.

At least for once we can be thankful for your incredibly bad aim.

Who knew it would cause an catastrophic chain reaction?

There’s a lot of information being redacted.

If you’re going to be sick, do it in the soup so rest of us don’t need to suffer.

I think this itself will be punishment enough.

This is not chicken, no matter how much this tastes like one.

Please forward the information forward like you are asked to.

If any of the foods have surprise in their names, do not order it.

Mixing the two was funny the first time but the staff won’t tolerate if that happens again.

That shirt is at least one size too small.

That is no longer a good excuse for this.

You can’t just make somebody to punch themselves in the face as a punishment.

You are asking me, a government worker, to fabricate papers.

“Are you suggesting that he’s an sadist?” “No. I’m just simply telling you that he’s an sadist.”

This is not exactly recreational purpose is it?

If you were any shorter I’d lose you in the crowd.

Are we going to ignore the inhaling of narcotic drugs going on in the corner?

We are actually going to gossip about senior staff member when they could actually be listening on us?

Are you actually stealing a wig from the Lost and Found?

You replaced his ADD meds with this?

You are kind of good at arm wrestling if nothing else.

She would definitely be the first one to turn to cannibalism.

You are expected to report to Medical before 8 am.

You are only restricting your brain.

I’m not going to pretend I even remotely know what I’m being punished for.

For once I’m feeling very pleased about being patronized.

I have just gotten my first death threat!

I’m trying out here trying to lower their morale.

Please take this tiny bit more seriously than the last time there was a fire.

I mean, they were dumb enough to believe it in the first place so I think we should just continue with it.

You think we should remind them that they are perfectly fluent in English or let them find out themselves?

Can I administer my own punishment?

As if spinning on the chair wasn’t dangerous on its own, you are doing it standing up!

I never thought I’d have to yell about there being a very poisonous snake being in my bathtub.

If you giggle about it one more time I’m banishing you.

You are twice my age, you should know better.

Watching you destroy my ex-wife’s car was incredibly scary but I applaud you for going through with it.

I go to a therapist regularly and there’s a good reason to it.

This is not very acceptable attire.

Not the time for costume change!

I really want to win and having you in my team will work against that. This was side tracked so much from just trying to not die alone.

“What you have done is made an massive cupcake.” “It’s a cake.”

They always use us in demonstrations so you can just look forward to that.

Drive closer I want to kick their car!

I might have just gone terribly wrong here.

What does that say, ‘Fuck you’? How terribly rude of you.

Threatening me with that would work but I also don’t give a damn.

I mean you want to be the laughing stock of the family, go ahead.

Your idea of a party involves diving through windows.

They clean these weekly, so if you don’t want that stolen, I’d suggest you to move it away.

Watching you trying to do strike that match was the best thing I’ve ever watched.

“What do you got?” “A headache.”

I already have my phone giving my earthquake warnings, I don’t need you to call me to too.

I might need you to open this for me.

We just hoped that you’d wouldn’t get stomped on.

You shouldn’t try to contact the dead if you don’t even have anything to ask them.

I’m quite afraid of children. Specially yours.

I think this would qualify in an normal workplace as some type of harassment.

You fried the circuitry and locked your mother outside. Proud now?

You are exacerbating the situation.

“Think yourself for once.” “No thanks.”

I already got them to admit that they like you.

That was extremely creative way to use duct tape.

There are lot of immoral ways to do this.

If she gets disgusted by that, you are going to need to stop it.

“Rock Paper Scissors?” “To what? To which one of us will punch him?”

If you are unsure, I can definitely check your intel again.

You want me to throw popcorn at him or something?

Were you going to punch me?

We aren’t still recovered from the last thing.

I don’t know how to hang this shit up so I’m just leaving it in on the floor.

I appreciate the eagerness, I really do, but you need to stop following me around.

I doubt they’re still alive.

We shouldn’t restrict ourselves.

“Do you want to know what you just ate?” “Please, just don’t. I don’t have time to eat again if I throw up.”

When I volunteered, I didn’t know that they were expecting me to show up dressed up as that!

Now I think that our definition of stealthy is vastly different.

Don’t try to shorten already shortened word!

I don’t know if you know this but crowbars are to use prying open doors and stuff, not this.

I don’t know why I bothered to ask when I already knew that you weren’t going to answer.

Are you really asking tips from me to a perfect professional relationship?

You still haven’t told her that that’s not your actual name?

Usually when somebody offers to kill somebody for you, you say no.

All hands on deck tonight.

“You took them swimming?” “No I just poured water on them to get the illusion.”

Seeing you out of a suit is actually quite disturbing.

It’s like we have dress code for a reason.

You are currently laughing at your future boss’ embarrassment.

This is not great for my addictive personality.

I’m not letting you tattoo that on your body.

It’s a rare event that we both are in the same room together.

He isn’t as smart as he looks.

Shut up Beckett, we are in the same bot as them!

So many questions to be asked - let’s kicked off with the fucking shoes.

I’m so frightened. I’m so bloody scared.

Everybody involved in that - Fuck you, you almost made me piss myself.

You just shaved, how do you have a 5 o'clock already.

So what is this? You put on an blazer but got afraid that you look too professional and decided to wear a hoodie under it?

You are being incredibly British right now.

It’s an interesting contrast.

Have you actually gotten him to do this so you can stare at his abs and sit on your ass at the same time?

A pathological liar? Who knew.

You know what to do, don’t mess it up.

“What do you got?” “A goddamn hiccups.”

You are on duty. You shouldn’t be singing along to this shit.

Sure, I love stalkery pick up lines. Who doesn’t?

“Are you an absolute idiot!” “I’d like to answer no, but you might scream at me even more.”

“What the hell are you doing?” “I’m drawing chalk outline where he passed out so he has more things to clean up when he wakes up.”

No sympathy to spare? We keep hoping that somebody takes him out of the business but nobody yet has.

Since you didn’t give me much to work with, this is all you get.

You are obviously in pain! Your hands are shaking!

I’m determined to carry this conversation.

“Stick your leg out.” “No! Stick your own goddamn leg out if you wanna see what happens.”

How the hell is he going to blame you when you were nowhere close to him when that happened?

All the right things happened, not just in the order we wanted to.

And no matter what have happened, he stills wants to see the best in us.

Let’s dish out some punishment then.

You know they can charge you for theft, right?

You just hit little too hard. I’m fine, though.

I think he might be confused about the fact that he doesn’t live here - but I’m afraid to tell him that.

Just don’t look like you are in pain.

That is the fighting pride that I’m talking about.

“I’m not suicidal!” “You drove your car onto a runway! In front of a jumbo jet!”

Attention! Keep the insane man away from me, please! Thank you.

I don’t like them but I do think it’s bit too excessive to start a car chase over this.

“Aren’t you going to intervene?” “I’m wearing a very expensive jacket that I’m not going to get blood on.”

Why did you even try to dive into a hot tub?

I don’t know who the fuck keeps sneezing but you gotta fucking stop!

“Nobody is hot without abs.” “Oh boy, here she goes again. I’m gonna go grab a drink.”

What’s the hurry? Do you have dinner reservations to get to?

Is ducktales back on the conversation list?

How about you try to not throw things at dad when he’s already pissed off?

“I mean he’s a good driver…” “You are not allowed to date somebody just because they’re "good at driving”!

You have sneezed one time - you are not allergic!

How about you stop whispering nasty things into your girlfriend’s ear and concentrate instead?

Sure, he almost killed a guy, but he did say some stupid shit to deserve it.

I don’t think anybody could do your job hungover. Expect maybe you.

Why is your hand down? Keep the wound above your heart!

I would like to know why you are directing your anger towards me

My eyelashes are stuck together because you made me cry.

“Why are you trying to turn my every insult into a compliment?” “Because you are rude and nobody likes rude people.”

Why are you trying to squeeze the life out of that apple? What did it do to you?

Why are you trying to work that word in every sentence?

The nasty khakis are burning my irises.

We were just trying to distract ourselves of our reality. Don’t make deeper than that.

And do you honestly think that it’s your decision to make? That you can craft me a happy ending from all this shit?

Threatening them is not getting you anywhere you want to go.

I don’t know if you have realized it yet but he does hold grudges little too long.

Their names are the next on my list.

Super clue has never been funny!

Is this supposed to be the bazooka we were talking about? Little small is it not?

Are you banishing me outside like a dog? Bab - The dog cannot sleep on my side!

If I wanted you to color-commentator in my life, I wouldn’t have chosen you.

I’ll be honest, I’m not fan of how tall he is. He could be like inch shorter, really.

Are we starting this fight were we ended it yesterday?

Did you try to stab him with a yardstick ? What is wrong with you?

“I’m glad you are here.” “Really? Admitting that you missed me, are we?”

Uh - shit, okay - That’s an open wound. I can see bone. I have to fucking go.

This is PR nightmare. And I have to deal with it.

See what happened here is that he thinks I’m an idiot.

That would have been the first time anybody would have been actually killed by a meme.

You talk about them like they are weapons - so why is my concern that you will use them as such being ignored?

If you aren’t going to help me save you that isn’t going to work.

Should I be worried you know where I live?

I feel like you are weirdly trying to force me to be your friend.

“Who was the funeral?” “Well it was a funeral.”

Rude and an illiterate. Two redeeming qualities in a man.

Apologizing for saying sorry doesn’t really… you know, work?

Are you taking a break or are you hurt?

“How is the hand?” “Like a pregnant woman was clutching it for 6 hours of labour.”

My shift is over. Let me go eat food and cry over my painful feet.

Which one of us is gonna climb through the window to get us inside?

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daisymayjohnson · 4 years ago

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Prompt: Skimmons + dubious

From: @sad-tunes

Word count: 632

(Can be read as either platonic or romantic Skimmons)

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“It looks off,” Skye said with a frown.

Jemma blinked. “It looks fine to me.”

Skye shook her head slowly. “Nope, it’s off,” she said decidedly. “He’ll notice.”

Jemma bit her lip. “Okay. What do we do?”

“Hold on.” Skye grabbed the drying paint brush from Jemma’s hands and dipped it into their bottle of bright blue paint.

“What are you-”

“Hold on,” Skye repeated before squinting and adding a small dab below the toe on the figurine.

Jemma winced. “That’s such a small detail, are you sure you want to risk messing up the rest of the paint-”

“He’ll notice, I promise,” Skye said. “One time I very slightly bent one of his precious trading cards on accident- it took a boatload of promises to do inventory to get him to let me near his office again.” Skye pulled back and away from the figurine of Captain America, eyeing its fresh paint job. “That looks better. Almost like nothing happened.”

Jemma looked at the figure doubtfully. “This is a ridiculous plan.”

“It’s the best one we have. Unless you want to tell him that we spilled whiteout all over his favorite-“

“Hey guys, what are-”

Skye whirled around with a squeak, tucking the paintbrush and paint bottle behind her back.

Jemma stammered out a quick, “Hmm, oh uh- sponges?”

“Sponges?” Skye hissed at her with wide eyes.

“Sorry,” she cringed.

Coulson blinked at the both of them standing tensely in front of his bookshelf. “Is everything… okay?”

“Yep!” Skye replied with a suspicious grin.

He looked at them both closely and obviously knew something was up, but decided not to press the issue. “Have you seen Hunter?” he asked.

“Probably, um,” Jemma blanked. “Buying blankets.”

Coulson blinked at her. “Okay, thanks, Simmons,” he said, before leaving his office, shaking his head.

“Your lying skills have somehow gotten worse!” Skye exclaimed, moving over to the trash can and disposing of the paint supplies.

“I got better after being undercover in hydra,” Jemma defended.

Skye laughed. “Really. So randomly saying ‘sponges’ is an improvement?”

“It’s much harder to lie to Director Coulson than some evil-doers,” Jemma frowned.

Skye paused, seeing that Jemma looked genuinely upset.

“Oh, hey, I was kidding,” Skye said apologetically. “You did great at hydra. I couldn’t have done it, staying undercover with all of that pressure.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jemma smiled. “I’m still rather awful at lying. I mean, sponges?”

Skye grinned, glad that Jemma wasn’t too upset about Skye teasing her. “I’m not much better. One time May asked me to do extra training but I didn’t want to, and my on-the-spot excuse was that I had to babysit my brother.”

Jemma blinked at Skye. “You… don’t have a brother, Skye.”

“Exactly!”

They both dissolved into a fit of laughs, doubling over.

“May looked at me like I was insane,” Skye wheezed.

“I would’ve too!” Jemma replied.

Their laughs slowly tapered off into giggles as they remembered the situation.

“Coulson’s gonna murder us if he finds out,” Skye groaned. “We just have to pray he doesn’t.”

“Maybe we should tell May,” Jemma suggested. “She helped with Sitwell.”

“Yeah. But also this is Coulson, not Sitwell. Since I’m 80% sure they’re doing the horizontal hokey pokey together-“

“Skye!”

“-she will tell him we screwed up his figurine immediately.”

“They are not doing it together,” Jemma said with wide eyes.

“Sure,” Skye smirked. “Have you seen them look at each other in meetings? May and Coulson look at each other like they want to-“

“Skye?”

Jemma and Skye turned around to see May in the doorway of Coulson’s office, looking at them strangely.

“What-“

“SPONGES!” they both squealed at the same time, before bolting out of the office in fits of nervous giggles as May hid a smile.

#el: fic #agents of shield #aos #daisy johnson #agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.#melinda may #agents of shield fanfic #phil coulson #philinda #aosedit #jemma simmons #skimmons #bioquake #Jemma x daisy #fitzskimmons #aos drabble #aos fic #sad-tunes #fluff

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