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[daintygirldreams]

Dear my once best friend,

I’m surprised I hadn’t written something like this sooner, but I guess it took me a while to acknowledge the hurt I still feel in my heart. But now I need to write this, because I need to let you go. I need to put to rest the hurt and betrayal that has scared me so deeply from your actions. I don’t like to admit to myself that you hurt me. For some odd reason. I hate to admit it. Maybe because when our friendship ended it was bitter sweet for me. I missed you but all of a sudden felt like I could breathe again. It was as if deep down I knew that moment was meant to happen. Our friendship was never meant to last. It had an end point. Even though you, and I at times were convinced otherwise. I didn’t like the person I was when friends with you Anastasia. I know how awful that sounds but I simply didn’t. All we did was talk about other people and their lives and it grew so tiresome. We were two insecure girls feasting off one another’s problems, and it just perpetuated one another’s thoughts even though thoughts do not always equal reality. You were an amazing friend who was always there for me and I there for you, but it had an endpoint. You found a reason to turn on me. You found a reason to turn on me just like you did with everyone else. I really wasn’t surprised in the end. How could I be? In the final months of our friendships, I witnessed all the people before me being removed from your life without a second thought. I should have known I was next.

[daintygirldreams]

It’s come that time of my life again where I’ve outgrown almost all my friendships again. It’s bittersweet. I don’t feel connected to any of my friends in the same way I once did. Life moves on and it always seems to take my friendships along with it. I introduced two of my best friends and became the odd one out. No matter how hard I try, it’s so awkward between us all now. We used to have fun together but now it’s anything but that. Friends I thought highly of I no longer hold to that light. Disappointed and let down is all I feel while writing this. My own partner I’m not sure how I feel anymore either. I love him, but do I only love him because I don’t want to be lonely? Do I only love him because I get the attention my heart needs? I sound cruel, I think I’m just venting. It’s more than just that. But with me leaving and about to enter a new chapter in my life, I feel unsure how to feel. I feel uneasy. What will this next chapter bring?

[daintygirldreams]

So we started seeing each other again and it’s been bliss. Bliss up until this point. Up until I feel my anxiety and worries kick in properly. I’m so happy we’re talking again. It’s been a fun couple of weeks. We talk every day. We’ve spent time together and even did a date. I know you’re cautious about us moving too fast James, but here I am, worried that my needs of actually needing a steady pace are being neglected. We haven’t made any plans to see each other this week or even spoken about making plans. I need to feel wanted, I need to feel valued, I need to feel desired. I want to be with someone who can’t wait to see me. I want to be with someone who can’t wait to take me out on dates. Not necessarily plan them all but throw in the idea. I don’t feel that right now. I feel neglected. I feel not present. I need to listen to my needs. I can’t ignore how I’m feeling. I need more.

[daintygirldreams]

It’s been over a year and sometimes I question whether our friendship was even real. I don’t miss you and I don’t love you anymore. One part of me hopes I never see you or run into you again. Another hopes one day I will, maybe just so you can see all the pain that you left behind. All that’s left with me is the pain of your memory. The pain left behind from someone who was was my closest companion, my soulmate, my go to. Someone who knew more about me than anyone else on this Earth. Someone who understood me better than anyone else, someone who just got me. But that last statement is where I was wrong. You’re selfish. You’re ignorant. You’re arrogant. You’re cold-hearted. You’re selfish when it comes to attempting to understand someone who doesn’t view something the same way as you do. You turn it into an attack on your character and turn so cold and malicious. When all someone is trying to do is explain and express how you’re actions have made them feel. Your inability to take accountability sickens me. Your inability to even acknowledge me also makes me sick. You want to know the worst part? I don’t actually hate you. Underneath all my hate and anger. I don’t actually hate you. I hate what you did. I hate how you made me feel. I hate that you left. I hate how you just gave up on me and walked away like it was easiest thing in the world. Relationships are work. Relationships require work. And you just got up and left when things got hard. We are simply indifferent now. And that is how we will be. You hurt me. You destroyed me. Just like he did. And who was it for again? Oh that’s right, me and you both know. No point in me mentioning her name, I’ve wanted nothing to do with her since I met her and I will continue that. You also couldn’t respect that boundary either numerous times when I brought that up with you if I’m going to continue to pull apart your character whilst I’m in this mood. I’m deleting all my social medias soon, unless we’re close in real life, people don’t deserve to have access to me anymore. As I’ve entered my twenties, I’ve realised I like living my own individual and semi private life. It’s nice, refreshing. I feel I don’t have to live up to expectations anymore. I get to focus on me more and what’s important to me. I’m leaving this city once I graduate Uni. I want to start fresh elsewhere and see what else the world can offer me because this can’t be it.

[daintygirldreams]

As someone who’s been single for the past 20 years of her life, how do you completely remove expectations when it comes to dating? How do you just go with the flow without overthinking every small detail or every small thing said? How do you stop yourself getting excited when you know you could be in their presence again? How do you not run through small conversations in your head of the two of you talking in attempt to calm your nerves? How do you handle the crushing fall of your expectations when reality hits? How do you stop yourself getting sad and disappointed that something didn’t work out how you hoped? Or that something took a turn you didn’t see coming.

It’s a crushing and debilitating feeling when no matter how much you put yourself out there, you always seem to fall short. It doesn’t matter how many dates you seem to go, it doesn’t matter how much your put yourself out there, you still can’t seem to find anyone who’s as interested in you as you are them. Your friends tell you to not be sad, that’s boys aren’t worth it, yet they know you’re the only one who’s never experienced love, who’s never got to experience the joyous that comes with getting to know someone who’s as interested in you as you are them. They say love will come when you least expect, to focus on you until love comes but don’t be waiting for love. All of that is bullshit. Why is it so bad to want love? Why is it so bad that all I crave is to share this human experience with another?

[daintygirldreams]

I couldn’t make you love me and I couldn’t make you see my worth. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt but I deserve so much better James. When I message first and we talk, it’s great. You want to know about my day, my week. It’s almost as if we begun to have a friendship blooming. We discussed topics of religion and shared our political views. For two souls that agreed to be no strings attached and purely sleeping buddies, we don’t talk like it. But the second I tried to make plans, to see you, to hang out, to keep getting to know each other, it went nowhere. You don’t want to see me. I apologised for overstepping a boundary and your response was “it’s alright.” I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me. I deserve someone who won’t make me feel stupid or annoying for addressing our relationship. I deserve someone who wants to be my friend, who wants to get to know me. And you just don’t. You enjoy talking to me to fill the lonely void in your heart and you enjoy fucking me. But you do not enjoy my company as I do yours. You are not interested in me outside the confide walls of your bedroom. I thought you were. Silly me. I am just disappointed. In you or myself, I still need to figure that out.

[daintygirldreams]

The feeling of being used. It’s almost indescribable. The feeling of complete emptiness that consumes you. The feeling of your whole soul being sucked out of your body. I may be alive and breathing but I have never felt more cold and lifeless. Like the present moment is just slowly passing me by and I can do nothing but sit here in this deep state of worthlessness and watch it go by. I did this to myself. I knew what I agreed and signed up too. But then came my feelings. My want for more. My desire for more. My yearning for connection, my yearning for a new relationship. A new relationship I hoped would turn out different from the others. My everlasting longing and yearning for love. You convince yourself you don’t need it. That you don’t need love and that it’s better to be alone. That you will survive without it. But when embraced in the safe, warm arms of another. How could it not be love? How could this feeling not blossom into love?

[daintygirldreams]

the more I fall in love,

the more you pull away.

haunted by the ghosts of my past,

I don’t know how to make you stay.

- j.b.

[daintygirldreams]

I feel anxious. I feel on edge. My attachment style really coming out to play. Knowing that I won’t be seeing him for at least another 7 days. It’s unsettling. I feel unsettled. Why is it unsettling? I’m trying to be curious with my feelings, rather than trying to fight them. I’m still swimming through the unknown. All of this is the unknown to me. It’s like swimming in the dark. Relationships. I fear relationships. I fear commitment. I fear of loving someone so much and them not being able to love me the same way in return. I fear they’ll get bored with me. I fear they’ll get sick of me. I fear they will eventually want out. I fear that one day they’ll abandon me without second thought. My head is swimming. I know my fears, yet am no step closer to conquering them.

[daintygirldreams]

So I met someone. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself where I end up getting hurt. But I met someone. Whether it is love or lust. I guess that’s the excitement. I feel nervous in his presence, giddy, like I’m a little school girl again with a secret crush. He makes me feel sexy, sensual, desirable. Like I’m a walking goddess. Our bodies fit perfectly together. My shorter height makes my body mould effortlessly against his. In his arms, I feel safe, secure, like I can let my guard down. My heart tells me I will, but my head screams no. The worry of entering unknown territory, does he feel the same? Does he lust for me the way I lust for him? Does he miss my touch the way I miss his? Does he feel the same sense of comfort and ease that comes when we are lying together? I feel the overwhelming urge to run. To protect myself. To cut ties now before I can get hurt. To run. But I can’t. I need to push through my fear. Why do I sense you and I are more similar than we think James? Do you guard your heart the same way I guard mine? Are we both agreeing to something purely sexual when we both know we are secretly yearning for more? Settling for a no strings attachment to protect our once broken hearts.

[daintygirldreams]

It’s a temporary feeling. I know that. But aren’t all feelings temporary? Feelings are like waves, each wave representing a different emotion. Some waves are stronger than others, some harsher on the tide. Other waves dive across the ocean quite elegantly and gently. Almost quite peacefully, in content. Just like feelings. Some strike and hit us all at once. Whilst others calmly settle us.

[daintygirldreams]

I haven’t been myself lately. Not at all. I feel drained and completely empty inside. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy but as soon as it slows down, I feel it all again, all at once. And how busy can you keep yourself when your city is in lockdown. I yearn for connection. To not feel so alone right now. I don’t know what to do. I push everyone away. Turns out that’s my attachment style. Fearful avoidant. Sums it up just about right. I yearn for a true meaningful connection so bad, but anytime something good could arise, I squash it. Fear of getting hurt, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection. It’s a defence mechanism and I shouldn’t hate myself for it. It was developed long ago in order for me to survive. Although, I know I need to change. It has become the primary focus in therapy at the moment for me and it’s terrifying. To have to learn how to tear down those walls I built so long ago and learn to trust people. I don’t know who I am without my walls, without my protection. But I need to know who I am without them. I can’t keep living like this. Somewhere in my closed off heart, I know I’m missing something, a true connection, a real emotional experience, love itself. And that missing something is right over the other side. The other side of my fear.

[daintygirldreams]

You know you need to change. You know you can’t keep going like this. You know the walls need to come down and that you can’t continue to live in fear anymore. But how do you heal?

Pay attention to what triggers you. Pay attention to what causes you psychological or emotional distress. It’s trying to tell you something. Signalling an area in you in which you aren’t healed. An area in your past in which your inner child was left vulnerable and scared.

I don’t trust men anymore. I don’t trust their intentions, the way they look at me or when they come near me. I always believe their is an ulterior motive. I couldn’t differentiate between a male with good intentions to one with not anymore. So I push them all away.

I snapped at my male coworker today. We had little tiff and he could sense I was a bit off. He tried to soothe me by rubbing my back and I had never flinched so hard in my life. I felt my whole body go rigid and stiff and I moved so far away from him. I looked him dead in the eye and said whilst holding back my tears “Don’t touch me”. I wanted to run, I felt so angry and scared. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me but my walls came up, my defences came up. I was ready to run a hundred miles away. I was filled with rage and I just wanted to yell at him for thinking that was okay to do. I also wanted to cry, how could someone think that was okay?

Jess, that wasn’t his intention. He wasn’t going to hurt you. I feel so humiliated and guilty now for my over reaction. He couldn’t have known that was going to trigger me.

It’s crazy how one or two bad experiences can change you. I never thought my past with sexual harassment would shape me this way. But when I left work and sat with my emotions, I knew where in my past these feelings had come from. My past of family and an old coworker who thought it was okay to violate my space at a younger age and ignore my pleas consistently to leave me alone.

[daintygirldreams]

If you don’t heal from what hurt you, you bleed out on people who never cut you.

I never understood that until now.

After I spent the last 20 minutes of therapy balling my eyes out, just about ready to walk out and never come back. I understand now more than ever.

If you don’t make peace and heal from your past, you will carry that hurt and trauma with you until the day comes where you have nothing left to do but face it. When you are left with nothing but self hatred, broken relationships and no self worth, you have to face it. You have to look within.

Any situation I saw where I could get hurt, I sabotaged. I ripped and tore it to absolute shreds. Any warning sign of red or betrayal would send me into a spiral. Pushed away anyone who ever cared about me, because the thought of getting hurt was too much to bear. Even when I knew deep down these people weren’t going to hurt me, my brain would switch and convince myself otherwise. I would rather destroy something good than open myself up to get hurt again.

Although, it’s funny isn’t it. All this destruction to avoid getting hurt by those who love you most. Yet you still end up the more broken than ever.