crochetwizardman

[crochetwizardman]

Oh that fucking guy. He's in my yard humping my shrubs and herbs. He thinks I can't see him from my wizard tower I SEE YOU JEROLD THE FUCK

He's not even doing it magically he's just being weird

[crochetwizardman]

Where is my ancient tome? Where is my apprentice? Where is my wizard dildo?

Oh no

[crochetwizardman]

I'm a cryptid, people have heard nothing but rumors and folklore about me but they've never caught more than a fleeting glimpse in the corner of their vision. They also hear my ghastly sounds and squeals. But I leave handmade gifts behind.

If you are bad and naughty I come to your house and harm your textiles, but if you are good and eat all your dandelion greens I will come and leave you hats and scarves and shawls AND all your sock holes will be mended.

If you're a rat fink I will bring a curse upon your domicile and you will not prosper in any of your slimy endeavors.

[crochetwizardman]

Dude I can't help you I'm not the piss lord

[crochetwizardman]

You know what, fuck it. Whip out the piss bucket

[crochetwizardman]

Clout is real. I have a lot of clout. Go find out first hand. Ask about the Notorious Gillman.

Half the police station here knows me probably. That's clout. I don't open the door when they ask me to.

Don't you have some donuts to arrest sir?

They pointed guns at me once and I wasn't scared I was really indignant and mad. As if you could kill me.

God won't let me die.

That gun in your hand makes you look scared like prey. You're not in control. You just have a tool, tool-user.

[crochetwizardman]

Me an Aaron are gonna give away our crochet object stash and hopefully I will gain some Clout™ among the not-fucking-weird neighbors

[crochetwizardman]

I am an unmoveable object and an unstoppable force at the same time.

Nothing anyone says or does will make me do anything I truly don't want to do. This unfortunately includes myself.

Nobody can make me stop doing anything, I do exactly what I want to do at all times forever until the end of time. Fortunately, you can probably make me not want to do it anymore.

[crochetwizardman]

My favorite neighbors are the schizophrenics and alcoholics. They don't give a fuck about what someone said or what they heard. They're my people. They don't treat me weird or anything, I don't go outside enough to commit acts of assholery where they can see

[crochetwizardman]

The old broad squad plus fuckboi plotted to get me removed from this building but they are too stupid to actually uhhhh do anything other than call the cops on me when im having mental health problems? Call the cops, I'll have sex with them.

Now I'm going to stay here as long as possible to make them all look at me a lot longer than they ever wanted to in their lives. Fuck it, I don't wanna move my shit! You got me fucked up if you're thinking I'm too stupid to retaliate against these shenanigans.

Mind your fucking business. You can't control who lives in the subsidized housing. I'm a poor fuck like you. They didn't have any trailers ready so I got the shit 1 bedroom apartment where you can rip a moderate fart in your living room and everyone in the hallway can hear it. You're not living the high life here. It's really surprising there isn't a crackhead posted out in the parking lot.

(Oh my god... am I the subsidized housing crackhead?)

[crochetwizardman]

Guy I dont... talk to you. You look my age but there's something off about you and I just can't place it. Like if uncanny valley covered things that slink around being slimy and act like a rat fink.

Why are you hanging out with old ladies who have never matured past high school because they didn't need to? I don't know, I guess you kind of fit in with the old women in terms of like, being catty I guess. I lowkey think you've spend enough time hanging out in the dining room with old ladies that you're going through menopause.

You're greasy. What are your motives? What do you gain from mocking a disabled person in front of his face? I don't respect you, you can't possibly make me respect you less.

Are you trying to start a fight? That's laughable to me. You see the hair on my face and still call me a girl. You're a little conflicted because my body language tells you I'm your equal. I can see you sniveling and cowering inside.

Obnoxious twerp.

It's not that he said it It's that he said it in front of me where I could hear him clear as day in plain English. That's the rude part. Go talk shit about me behind my back like a normal person. It's completely out of my mind then because I only think about YOU when I'm talking shit about you to my boyfriend. Which you deserve and I would say it to your face because unlike you, I am not a cowardly bitch boy who can't fight, I'm just too polite to tell you you look halfway between a murder clown and a pedophile.

[crochetwizardman]

It's not that he said it It's that he said it in front of me where I could hear him clear as day in plain English. That's the rude part. Go talk shit about me behind my back like a normal person. It's completely out of my mind then because I only think about YOU when I'm talking shit about you to my boyfriend. Which you deserve and I would say it to your face because unlike you, I am not a cowardly bitch boy who can't fight, I'm just too polite to tell you you look halfway between a murder clown and a pedophile.

[crochetwizardman]

Naughty Morals with Gilligan:

fights dont have to be fair. The best kind of fights are unfair. You didn't evolve for billions of years to not use an advantage you have.

[crochetwizardman]

Hey you know what? That twerp in the apartment building that sucks old lady dick and talks shit and acts like a girl with the bravado of a man mocked me right in front of my face the other day. I was actually in the act of asking my neighbors to call an ambulance because I was having an excruciating migraine, there was no way for me to make a scathing remark.

The old bitches didn't say anything, because that snake bastard who looks simultaneously 12 and 30 gets away with anything. He thinks the kind of disability he has enables him to say whatever he wants, which I find charming and very misguided of him.

So, I'm going to do something a little evil. I'm going to approach one of the gossipy old ladies and pretend I'm really confused about his behavior. Drop in a sprinkle of "multiple learning disabilities". And then ask them if he's actually 12.

The Apartment Complex in-crowd don't actually have much info on who I am as a person. They mostly know the bad and naughty shit I do. So they have a mostly negative opinion of me, not that I give a fuck, and I did that on purpose. I don't want them to know me.... specifically for situations like this where I've got some cards to play.

I've finally found this guy obnoxious enough to do something about. There is no reason for him to talk to me like that or treat me that way at all. I'm functionally retarded. And he's making fun of a retard? While he's suffering? Dude I'm going to make YOUR OWN CROWD police you. If this doesn't work I'm going to have to get Regular Aggressive.

[crochetwizardman]

It's absolutely my god given right to suck and fuck all day and night

[crochetwizardman]

Make sure you leave out dildos and lube and hang your condoms by the chimney so that Sex Santa can "CUM" over and give you his fat load

[crochetwizardman]

Have you heard the good news about our lord and savior crack rock?