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What You Should NEVER Say To Someone Who's Had A Miscarriage (And What To Say Instead)

*This article is post on MindBodyGreen*

One year ago, I had a miscarriage.

It's surreal to be writing about this today, while I'm now 39 weeks pregnant. Feeling the fetal movements of this little one brings me soothing waves of relief that we've made it this far.

Recovering from the miscarriage was a journey that my husband and I are proud to have navigated. But we didn't expect that the hardest part of it all would be the veil of silence.

The reality is that 10 to 25 percent of recognized pregnancies end in a miscarriage. So why does no one talk about it? I guess it's just not something one posts about on Facebook, or hashtags on their Instagram. It's not a selfie occasion — that's for sure. So in our cultivated narcissism on social media, how do we talk about the tough stuff?

Don’t ignore the grief. You could make a big difference with a small gesture.

My husband and I learned it was through intimate conversations. And we noticed that there were certain exchanges that made communication easy. At the same time, there were also those "things people say" that completely shut down any ability to share authentically.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To honor the occasion and promote more understanding, I'd like to share the conversation starters and nonstarters that I heard after my miscarriage. I hope they empower loved ones to reach out to a grieving couple and end the silence around loss.

What NOT to Say After a Miscarriage

I know that each of these sentiments came from an intention of caring — but they just didn't help. At the time, I didn't have the energy or ability to tell the person why. I just quietly nodded my head, hoping it would fill the void.

"It's so common. It happens all the time."

While this is statistically true, it immediately shuts the conversation down. There's no space in which to share sadness. It's a conversation ender because the loss no longer feels personal to you; it's been marginalized.

"You can try again."

Yes, we can, and we did. But when you've just experienced a miscarriage there are a million questions that run through your head. Even if the tests give you a clear scientific answer to how it happened, they might not be able to tell youwhy. And sadly, for a lot of women, this could be a precursor to long-term fertility issues. Please don't assume that your crystal ball into the future is correct.

"It wasn't meant to be."

No sh*t, Sherlock. Again, this shuts down the conversation. It's a hindsight view of the situation, and when you are in the grips of loss, just staying present can be difficult.

"You're strong — you'll get over this."

That may be true. But being vulnerable — to sit in the sadness and let it wash over you — is often what helps us heal. Being told to "be strong" only encourages a grieving person to shove feelings down, which further delays the mourning process. The body holds these trapped emotions in the muscles and tissues. As a massage therapist, I see this time after time on the table, and it's not a healthy way to cope.

What TO Say After a Miscarriage

Thank goodness for the folks who supported us. Each of these conversations created an opening for us to share. And that authentic exchange is how we began to heal.

"I'm so sorry this happened. [Silence]"

Amazingly, this was the most helpful thing to hear. It immediately brings the conversation into a place that feels available and open to share. It's often hard for people to be OK with silence. But through the vulnerable silence, space is created for whatever needs to emerge. There's no agenda with this communication, and it's massively healing.

"You have every right to grieve."

Sometimes we just need permission to be sad. Life goes on, responsibilities continue, and deep sorrow needs time. If it's early in the pregnancy and not a lot of people know about the loss, it becomes even more vital to create this space. Don’t ignore the grief. Embrace it — you could make a big difference with this small gesture.

"Can I help you acknowledge this loss?"

Helping to mark the loss with a ceremony, a prayer, a poem, a wish, asomething helps people to feel "in action." Having a visceral experience to honor the loss in a meaningful way gives context to the situation. It creates a deeper level to experience the pain. Sometimes, you have to hit the depths before you can start to rise.

"It happened to me."

My husband and I were blown away by how many of our friends and family members had suffered a miscarriage or knew someone who had. With every admission of understanding, the light around us got brighter. Intimate bonds were formed with people we didn't expect. I'm so grateful for those brave conversations.

"I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you."

No magic wand required. Just be with the person who is dealing with loss. Let go of trying to make it better. They don't need a silver lining — they need a connection to know it's OK to share their sadness. Just listen without adding anything.

How I Healed After My Miscarriage

There's never a "good" time to experience loss, but I happened to be on a weekend trip with a group of women that I've known for more than a decade. Their ability to create a space in which I could experience any emotion that flooded me was profound. It was as though this little being inside me knew it was OK to let go, because I was safe.

I also felt empowered to reach out to brave women whom I'd stumbled over my own words trying to console. A dear friend that had multiple miscarriages simply listened. Another who'd publicly shared her stillbirth gave me resources that I was struggling to find. They knew better than anyone that time heals, and giving grieving space allows for new growth to develop.

The relationship with my husband deepened in ways that are difficult to express — but we share a more palpable bond. When we found out we were pregnant again, there was a sacredness that hadn't existed before. We've cherished each moment of this pregnancy that much more.

And now, as I enter the last weeks of this pregnancy, I find myself indebted to the little being that came into our lives just long enough to have a huge impact.

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Becoming a Healer...

If five years ago, a fortuneteller had told me that I would be living in California, working as a Massage Therapist, enrolled in Acupuncture school I would have asked for my money back. 

At the time I was a stress-addicted television producer in New York City. The last thing on my mind was mindfulness. Over a decade of living in New York City, working in TV, at a gut-busting, frenetic pace had taken its toll. My body tried to send me messages of exhaustion but I ignored them, so it yelled louder. Two surgeries for uterine fibroids later and something had to give. I needed to make a change. My own body was creating these fibroids and demanded a shift; I was fighting an internal conflict. 

 I look back now and know the moment I surrendered to the Universe. It came on the biggest job I had ever produced while on a rooftop in Soho overseeing a huge production crew on the coldest day of the year. The director had called action, the client was transfixed on the monitor, and everyone I’d hired was doing their job. This was supposed to be my golden moment, a brief minute on a production when I took my first deep breath in months and felt satisfied. The moment never came. Instead, I lifted my head to the sky and prayed for help. I felt a deep yearning to shift my life in gigantic proportions but I didn’t know how. ‘Listen to the Universe’. That was my first lesson on the path to taking a huge leap of faith. 

Upon receiving a call from a close family member, who had been diagnosed with late stage cancer, I didn’t hesitate to hop on a plane to California. Little did I know that my one week visit would turn into eight months. I was her caregiver until she died. Life would never look the same. An emerging call to connect with people on a deeper level resonated within me. I had an opportunity to recreate the life I’d been living, on my terms. However, old patterns do not just fade away. I’d been juggling caregiving and producing remotely for so long, that I’d lost my own health again. Another fibroid surgery sobered me up. 

Through Western Medicine’s inability to treat fibroids preventatively; I found Acupuncture. During my first session it felt as though my body got reprogrammed, realigned with the Universe, and grounded maybe for the first time. After a vivid dream of being in Acupuncture school, I jumped in. I had no idea what I was committing to; all I knew was this medicine was bigger than me, and that felt comforting. If I could harness a piece of its power to align others within their own bodies, I would have found a life mission that I could be proud of. 

So I dedicated myself to learning about Bodywork through the lens of Chinese Medicine and now have a private massage practice in San Francisco. The body of my client talks to me, because I have learned to listen. Being an Acupuncturist isn’t a job it’s a vocation. And now, as I enter into my last year of school, I am confronted with the title of ‘Healer’. This description fills me with trepidation. How does anyone really own that title without their Ego leading? Who am I to ‘heal’ anyone? The truth is that no one can heal you. That power is all you. 

Healers are guides who have devoted our lives to interpreting a map of the body, offering considerations for paths towards health, freedom from pain, and happiness within our patients. When you are in the thick of it, the path might be hard to see. A true healer, with integrity, guides you back to yourself. I am not a ‘chosen one’ nor do I believe that I have any kind of superpower. I’m just curious. Curious about how people care for themselves, and what they truly want versus how they go about getting it. 

Daily I am reminded, when treating patients, that we all want the very same things in life to love and be loved, to care and be cared for, and ultimately to be listened to. I trust there is a path for us all, filled with shortcuts, unpaved roads, uphills and downhills, and most importantly, the knowledge that we don’t have to walk it alone. Finding a healer that can be a guide makes the soul’s solo journey easier to navigate. As I continue to put one foot in front of the other I hope to share the sign posts along the way. Posted on 

Wholistika.com

 link: 

Becoming a Healer

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Are you serving yourself?

Truly? We hear it a thousand different ways but in the end we know we can be are own worst enemy — ignorance isn’t bliss. However, when you tip the see-saw this also means you can be your own best healer.

Apply this well known theory when you enroll in a healing process with a Massage Therapist, Acupuncturist, Nutritional Coach, Naturopathic Doctor, Spiritual Guide, etc — know this: you are doing the work.

*I intentionally leave out Western Medicine doctors as their Healing Process is a minefield of Pharmaceuticals. These are quick fixes -- they don't necessary address the underlying reason of sickness or disease in your body. I believe in Integrative Medicine — a.k.a. please don’t go to your Acupuncturist with a broken arm. And on that same see-saw of balanced advice; please do not trust a Western Doctor’s assessment of your chronic condition implicitly. You are your best health advocate.    

So, if the person you are partnering with on healing is trying to “fix you” or doesn’t hold you accountable for your actions — they do not have your highest good at the top of their priority list. No one else can fix you — only you have that power. Bottom line: Ask for regular assessments. Trust yourself. Do the work. Listen to your body. 

A good healer shines a light on the path for you to walk towards. They point out when you fall off the path and they support you to find your balance. If they aren’t providing feedback on your healing as they are trained to do — move on. The key to success is finding a partner that you can trust to walk the road less traveled.   

Healing isn’t a privilege, it’s your right. 

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If all else fails, listen to the Tiny Potato.

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All of my massage clients receive a Lavender Epsom Salt bathtime gift bag. I tell them it's their "homework" - Epsom salts help to decrease inflammation, replenishes the bodies magnesium - making your muscles #relax, flush toxins, reduces muscles cramps and can even be used internally to relieve constipation! I ❤️ these healing salts.

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Taking my own advice and chill-laxing in a Lavender Epsom Salt bath. Yum.

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In Traditional Chinese Medicine the 7 Emotions are regarded as more harmful to the internal organs than external pathogenic factors. These emotions overtake our system and impede the natural flow of Qi (energy), Blood and basic functions of the organs associated. In a world so full of stimulus it's no wonder we feel so many things -- so often. 

The 7 Emotions are characterized by how they effect each organ: 

Anger -> Liver

Fear -> Kidney

Fright -> Gallbladder

Excessive Joy -> Heart 

Sadness -> Lungs

Worry -> Spleen

Pensiveness (Anxiety) -> Spleen

Turn on the news and you are hit with Fear, Fright, Sadness and/or Anger. Turn on FB and you might find yourself down a rabbit hole of adorable kitty videos taking Joy to an extreme. What, me Worry? Never ;)  

If we could cultivate the ability to feel our emotions and be witness to their effect internally - what could be gained? Would we learn to laugh when hit with Anger over a situation we have no power to change, ex: "That guy didn't use his blinker -- that &^%$#!" - does it really matter in the grand scheme? 

In the Taoist traditions we are taught to transform these negative emotions into positive ones. A favorite meditation of mine is to imagine a "Smiling Liver" -- go ahead try it. Your Liver will thank you.

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Top picture: Sphenoid Bone in the skull Bottom picture: Pelvic Bone in the pelvis Not a coincidence. Cranial Sacral Massage connects these two bones by accessing the spinal column. Sacred work.

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Summer Recovery Massage Newsletter

Dear Clients, 

It's been a busy summer so far - amiright?! 

My highlights include my best friend's wedding on the East Coast, a 10K Trail Run in Pacifica, and an intensive Chi Nei Tsang Abdominal Massage training. All this while juggling my Masters Program in Acupuncture makes the days fly by! 

Luckily, like you, I know the importance of regular Bodywork. Our Massage Sessions this summer continue to deepen my appreciation for all of you and the work we are doing together. Thank you for choosing me to partner with you. 

My other savior has been focusing on my daily meditations. Connecting inwards instead of constantly letting my energy drain outward is essential these days. Even working at my computer seems to zap the life out of me some days... 

Do you have any daily mindfulness-based practices? Baths, gardening, exercise, cooking -- these can all be cultivated into an inward experience too if we aren't multitasking all the way through them. However, the research shows that meditation itself is incredibly beneficial. 

If you are interested in experimenting with different forms of meditation, here's a few of my favorites to try: 

Sunning Meditation

This is a 3 minute sun soak. With your eyes closed, remove your sunglasses to allow the sunlight to open your pineal gland. Just sit in the sun. Let the rays wash over you without any sunscreen to get the full effect. This will stimulate your body to increase your Serotonin levels.* After 3 minutes open your eyes and look around. Everything should be 'polarized' - like having a blue filter on. 

*Serotonin is a Neurotransmitter that, when deficient, is linked to depression. Antidepressant medications that work on Serotonin levels aka SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) are shown to reduce the symptoms of depression.

Walking Meditation

For those of you on the run all the time! As you are walking to your next destination be mindful of your feet touching the ground. It helps to have an internal dialogue that goes something like; 'this is my heel touching the ground, this is the arch of my foot touching the ground, these are my toes pushing off the earth' - this on-the-go meditation will help to ground you as you move. 

Microcosmic Orbit Meditation

For those of you that want to dig deeper into cultivating your inner Qi, this ancient Taoist meditation helps to move stagnant energy. Sitting upright this practice includes focusing your breath on each of the points below as you circulate it throughout your body. During our massages sessions I am in a constant flow of my own energy for both our benefits. 

       (Image: awesomeselfhealing.com)

Ming Men– the door (gate) to life in your lower back

Jia Ji– the dorsal gate in the middle of your upper back

Yu Zhen– the Jade Pillow, at the base of your skull

Bai Hui– the crown of your head

Yin Tang– third eye region between your eyebrows

Tan Zhong – middle Dantian in the center of your chest

Shen Guan – lower Dantian behind and below your navel

Hui Yin  – perineum region 

Wei Lu – the end of your tailbone

then back up to Ming Men, to begin another cycle. 

As Gilles Marin, Director of the Chi Nei Tsang Institute and Black Belt Akido Master said, "People always ask me how I have time to meditate and I tell them - If I don't meditate, I don't have time."

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I relinquish the belief I could ever fix anyone — instead I'll keep shining a light on the path to healing. 

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When you're in the flow, magic happens.

I have journals full of life lessons, mantras and cultivated ways of being that I rely on 24/7. These little nuggets inspire me to be my best self in every moment. I don't always succeed but since it's all the game of life I'm content in having losing streaks -- it makes the big wins so much more satisfying. Lately, I am feeling 'in the flow' and it's pure magic. For me this means that little random everyday things just 'happen'. For instance; I had a stack of cards to send for Mother's Day (new mom friends, grandma, etc etc) in my purse for three days. Oddly they didn't send themselves -- so on a Saturday morning heading out to the Farmers market I was searching for the nearest PO Box, as I looked up to hear a bird chirp the mail carrier was driving down the street. I waved him down, exchanged a lovely suburban chat about the weather and off my cards went. I stood there giggling - I'd never seen the mail carrier in the four months I'd been living here. You know those moments. The phone rings and you just 'know' it's the person you were thinking about. As you chat you feel a gentle sense of gratitude that this person was in-tune to your silent thoughts. As if life is a just one big movie plot with its Hollywood predictable highs and lows, romance and sadness. And-- isn't it just like that? There is also the big things that the flow provides. One of my core beliefs is that we have an ultimate destiny. Yes, free will is involved in our day to day but at the end of our journey we will have completed what was destined for us; it's what we signed up for. Strangers, romantic relationships, family, friends, and teachers/mentors provide opportunities for growth. A chance for us to learn hard truths, gain a new view of an old conversation or open our hearts to unbridled love we never thought possible. If we deny these meetings and/or lessons - we'll stay in that chapter of our life - what we resist persists. Learning the fine art of Letting Go becomes the best course of action... I love the flow. I'm not sure I've ever sustained my swim this long before and it doesn't mean their aren't challenges along the way. However; instead of bucking against them and denying their existence -- I choose them. Hello new car brakes at twice the price I'd budgeted; thanks for keeping me safe. Hello hardest final exam thus far of graduate school that put me on my knees in tears of frustration; thanks for teaching me humility and the greatest lesson of always having a beginners mind. Hello all of my unexpected plot twists; can't wait to see you unfold. And so, I continue to Consider Balance in all things -- big and small.

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It’s not a diet, it’s a way of eating.

For most of my life I’ve struggled with dietary decisions. Food became a constant source of comfort when so many things around me were constantly changing. Growing up a child of divorce I became a master at shape shifting into the environment around me - the one thing that never changed was food.

Luckily, I grew up in families that adored fresh, local and organic before it was hip or ‘artisanal’ - it was just the way we ate. However, my unhealthy relationship with food persisted even with the basis of the ‘farm to table’ ideals. This somehow made it worse as - ignorance wasn’t bliss. I had the knowledge of how to eat well and instead I used food to fill a void of unrequited love, vulnerability, and shame.

Through the years I’ve done all the diets - never fully committing to any of them, as my ego would always get in the way. Somehow I was too smart for them as my waistline continued to grow - ah, irony. I thought I was a master of disguise, wearing layers, mostly black and always dresses. My pictures were from the waist up, any photos that didn’t make the cut would be swiftly deleted - sometimes even from a friend or boyfriends camera. I was doing my best to control an unraveling reality - I had lost control of my own ingest.

For the past two years I’ve been learning about Chinese Medicine, surrounded by health conscious - mostly vegan cohorts at school and been in awe of the pleasure they get from simple food. A bone broth soup that heals from within, while mild flavor on the outside takes hours/days to cook. Delicious homemade Almond milk which also yields precious Almond meal (flour substitute). Nutritional Yeast often referring to as ‘hippie dust’ or ‘hippie crack’ - sprinkled on popcorn (yum).

My taste buds and stomach began to learn too. I didn’t need three full meals a day or a dinner plate full of every type of food to feel satisfied. Instead of focusing on how I was going to lose weight and the shame spiral that would ensue - I just started listening to my body. What was I actually craving if I wasn’t using food to fill a void? Ahhh, a spoonful of peanut butter - the kind that you watch a grinder make out of just peanuts in the store. An avocado with a hit of sea salt. Miso soup with extra spinach for breakfast and a poached egg? Sure.

And so as the void is slowly but surely filling with self love - the dietary decisions get easier and easier. I’ve naturally cut our dairy, grains and most sugars (aka Alcohol) not because of punishment, shame or lacking in love - it’s quite the opposite. I love my temple and for the first time in my life only the most precious wonderful and nurtured foods are going in.

I even attempted to make Cauliflower crust pizza - it was not a total success but I’m learning…

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