connie04

[connie04]

If my heart is shaped like him

Then the lies I tell are thin

Because my lovers not quite you

But I guess he’ll have to do

[connie04]

Martha

If there’s nothing left

Then I shall retreat

There’s no fight worth the price of me

You can spin the ways

You talk to me

But when judgment come we both know

You’ll be on your knees

Call me to witness

My mouth won’t speak

Jury look in my eyes

There’s the truth you seek

Eat your heart out

It’ll always be me

We had a plan

You knew it well

But where there’s smoke

There’s your ire

So I watched it

Go up in flames

And took joy in that burning pyre

Call me to witness

My mouth won’t speak

Jury look in my eyes

There’s the truth you seek

Eat your heart out

It’ll always be me

i said id do it again

Just to watch you there

My hamartia clear as day

I’d come crawling back

just to hear you speak my name

Call me to witness

My mouth won’t speak

Jury look in my eyes

There’s the truth you seek

Eat your heart out

It’ll always be me

[connie04]

Wendy Cope, From June to December: Summer Villanelle

[connie04]

What are you doing sister? I ask

‘Rotting’

What’s that?

‘It’s when you have a sad day,

so you don’t do anything but rot in your bed’

Why did you call it that?

‘It’s just a thing people say’

and in that moment I realised that the cycle has started again

Giving fun nicknames to things you shouldn’t want to experience

All under the guise of relatability

But to relate you have to experience it

And if you don’t you’re out of the loop.

No one wants to be out of the loop.

‘I miss the old Victoria’s Secret’

No you don’t

You aren’t old enough to remember it

I am

I remember playing the shows on repeat,

pacing around the living room whilst you were asleep,

making sure I got enough steps in for the day

to reach all my unreachable goals.

‘You know effy from skins?’

Why do you know who she is

You’re still a baby you shouldn’t know who that is

That show is older than you

I remember thinking it was cool too

Until a friend died from an overdose

Then it wasn’t cool anymore.

Please don’t make the mistakes we did

I’d thought we moved past this.

[connie04]

Ariadne

[connie04]

When I tell you 'i love you', i hold my breath hoping you don't understand the truth in my words.

But how can you not notice the way I stumble around the middle? for you it can never be casual. I mean it too much to just roll it off the tongue. My baby I have to know, do you hear me getting brave sometimes? 'I love you to the moon and back'. I saw the confusion in your face after that one. That kind of proclamation is reserved for sweethearts. That we are not. I learned to restrain my daringness since then, downgrade to a more palatable 'so much' or 'lots'. oh and you must know that sometimes you say the exact thing I want to hear. 'your hair looks nice'. My godly, you must realise what you've just done? Everyday for the next month my ponytail became a regimen. You didn't say it again, perhaps I never got it quite right.

You say it back sometimes, i count those as the good days. it feels like I earnt it.

More often though you just simply say, 'i know'.

[connie04]

yes girl you are so [if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more] [hands are unbearably beautiful] [i'll take care of you it's rotten work not to me not if it's you] [if you are intolerable let me be the one to tolerate you] [i could recognise him by touch alone] [i love you i want us both to eat well] [on purpose i love you on purpose] [whatever our souls are made of his and mine are the same] [i am half agony half hope] [you have bewitched me body and soul and i love love love you] [he is half of my soul as the poets say] [i'm sick of people saying that love is all a woman is fit for but i'm so lonely] [i love you most ardently] [let me stay tender hearted despite despite despite] [someone has to leave first this is a very old story there is no other version of this story] [mostly i want to be kind] [tell me how all this and love too will ruin us] [you said i killed you haunt me then] [someone somewhere can you understand me a little love me a little] [i will love you as misfortune loves orphans as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong] [sorry about the blood in your mouth i wish it was mine] [who will come into my kitchen and be hungry for me] can we kiss now

[connie04]

I only had 11 years

When I was eleven nothing bad had happened to me yet,

When I turned twelve I learnt to be scared of everything,

By thirteen I would hug my mother so tight,

I knew we both wished I was still young.

She was scared time was slipping through her fingers,

I was scared it had me in it’s jaws.

[connie04]

I want you to know that I would give up everything;

Every word, every colour, every song.

My hair, my blood, my eyes.

Fruit, water and happiness.

Just to have you always by my side.

You will not give up your sadness to be by mine.

I cannot give you my forgiveness for that.

[connie04]

I made us dinner tonight, I made your favourite.

When we eat, its the only time I know we feel the same thing.

[connie04]

Please visit me often

The earth is warm

The honey here is thick

Intruders are greeted as equals

Deaths love is easy and quick

[connie04]

Sick, Jody Chan

[connie04]

As far as I can tell

You loved me a little

Not enough to feed me

Only enough to keep me

I’ll slowly starve

And you will watch

and eat

[connie04]

[connie04]

I made us dinner tonight, I made your favourite.

When we eat, its the only time I know we feel the same thing,

Hunger

[connie04]

Tomorrow I’ll wake up still angry and regret how easily I took the blame for momentary peace, knowing you’ll never do the same. The cycle repeats

[connie04]

It’s your move

If I discovered your strategy,

So I could counter your moves,

Would you be glad of my play?

Or would you despise that I engaged,

And beat you

At this game you’ve made.

And in that moment I’d know

If you made those rules just to watch me lose

Over and,

Over again.

It’s your move.