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“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our life.”

— Akshay Dubey

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IG. Ms.hansford

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Way too much pressure on not smoking… definitely smoking less, enjoying it less. Doing it before activities and going out less. Less quick to do it as soon as I get in. Progress…

Worried about having to go back to work already next week.

I’ve Never smoked before work, or went into work stoned. Which I have always used to play down my addiction/dependence.

But I’m making progress in the meantime… focusing less on the smoking and more on just making sure I’m doing the things I need for myself the basics. Sleep, eat, grooming, connecting with friends and family.

Putting positive energy/action into myself whether I am smoking or not.

I can literally feel myself enjoying the high less. Pausing more. Delaying more.

My behaviors although not all at once or that rapid, are changing. I’ve got to acknowledge that and keep moving.

Things I can continue so work on, more meditation, more prayer, more challenging myself.

But I am so much more optimistic about life than I’ve ever been. I’m proud.

Gotta stay steady. More bumps and triumphs of the mind to come.

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I used to smoke weed for fun.

Then it became an escape.

Now I’m completely Dependent.

I can’t feel without all that extra dopamine.

I can’t sustain on my own alone.

So restarting day 1.

As yesterday was a fail.

I want to be able to enjoy it for recreation.

But first I have to recalibrate myself to function Without it.

It’s harder than I anticipated.

I either need to stay in bed curled up fighting the urge.

Or over plan my day.

Looks like I’m going with the former for at least the first half of the day.

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I feel conflicted when reading this. I’ve reached a point where I believe that it’s up to me to care for and heal myself. But the people around can help and I am meant to be in community not alone. I have a community, several if I am really honest, all filling me up, as I pour out in different ways.

I am expanding this beyond a lover in a romantic sense, to anyone I love or share love with.

Friends, Family, Partners, Strangers. However, I am starting with myself, finding my well, so I can pour into others, meaningfully and honestly. My community will pour back into me.

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