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New job on Monday.

Way less money.

Way more fulfilling work for the time being.

Exploring an interest I’ve always had.

Working in the community.

My debt is up.

I have 0 money and won’t til the end of the month.

I have received so much support over this brief 2 weeks of unemployment from my village, friends and family have supported me, not just financially, but spiritually, because I’ve needed that so much more.

I’m taking my time and doing things at my pace. Following my interest and those things that feel right.

I’m less reactive to what I perceive as negativity, everyone has an opinion and a lot of times care/concern for one another overrides the love we have.

My debt is up. I have 0 money. But my spirit is full. I’m no delusion spiritual nigga neither, I know I gotta get my money right, but having my spirit full and right first will allow me to function better with money.

Overall I’m proud of progress, my apartment is so much cleaner regularly than in the past. I’m eating, sleeping ok, better than the past for sure.

Still to work on:

Less smoke.

Less candy.

Less late night eating.

More exercise.

More prayer.

More meditation.

More creativity.

Acknowledging progress and still wanting more is the route. I’m so happy today.

Nah less.

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Hope… is difficult to maintain.

But it’s all we have to keep going sometimes.

I’m running on it right now.

Leaps forward, stumbles backwards.

I’m still learning that I’m not that special.

In a way that takes pressure off me and lets me enjoy my life.

I need to continue this job search.

I need to continue to focus on my new skills.

I need to trust myself during the most uncertain times.

I need to eat , shower, rest, take meds, call friends and family.

I need prayer, meditation and self assurance.

I need to stop depending on weed, I have gotten back into that.

I need more time. I’m taking it, I have to use it well.

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“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our life.”

— Akshay Dubey

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Another week,

A little late this week, but still consistent.

I’ve been at my parents place.

Did me and my dad get into a couple disagreements, and I had to go for a walk. ABSOLUTELY.

Did I get stressed and panicked and packed my car the next day and planned to leave after Saturdays BBQ. Yes. But I’m still here.

They are both back to work this week and truth be told, last week with them and this week now are the first time really, I have felt at home, in this home.

I feel light. I don’t need/nor want too hide. I’ve helped around the house. It felt good, just to feel part of it.

More and more I am letting people in my life be who they are as I allow myself to become more of myself.

In that process, some distance forms in some relationships.

At the same time, there are also parts of relationships that are put to rest, that allow a new one to flourish.

Smoking has eased up, drinking hasn’t become a go too replacement.

I do find myself craving that sensation at times, of the high, but it’s ignorable. I’d been in this lil every other day habit, but, by the end of today it will be a full 48 hours by choice.

Still working on meditating. I try and apply the foundational techniques I learned, but I need to work on consistency.

Still working on not living through my trauma alone.

I deserve this break.

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Visiting my parents for a few weeks. God bless them for always welcoming me.

My relationship with my dad has improved dramatically. He’s done his own work in his own time, I’m also learning to accept him for who he is and the great things he offers rather than the things he lacks.

Smoking with friends on occasion while I’m here will be better than daily. Gotta be careful I don’t start leaning towards the bottle though.

Trying to make plans for most days so I am not just lounging around.

It’s been better as far as self care too in a lot of ways, and again, progress is the aim, not perfection. I keep progressing, even if it’s slow. I felt good today for a period. Genuinely good.

Memories to savor:

Haitus Kaiyote Concert With my younger sister (Ended the encore performance with The Lung so I’ve lived that dream) and dinner as well this weekend.

Posting up on the block today, weather was beautiful, skyline gorgeous, birds chirping.

Watching soccer games with my dad.

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IG. Ms.hansford

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Way too much pressure on not smoking… definitely smoking less, enjoying it less. Doing it before activities and going out less. Less quick to do it as soon as I get in. Progress…

Worried about having to go back to work already next week.

I’ve Never smoked before work, or went into work stoned. Which I have always used to play down my addiction/dependence.

But I’m making progress in the meantime… focusing less on the smoking and more on just making sure I’m doing the things I need for myself the basics. Sleep, eat, grooming, connecting with friends and family.

Putting positive energy/action into myself whether I am smoking or not.

I can literally feel myself enjoying the high less. Pausing more. Delaying more.

My behaviors although not all at once or that rapid, are changing. I’ve got to acknowledge that and keep moving.

Things I can continue so work on, more meditation, more prayer, more challenging myself.

But I am so much more optimistic about life than I’ve ever been. I’m proud.

Gotta stay steady. More bumps and triumphs of the mind to come.

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I used to smoke weed for fun.

Then it became an escape.

Now I’m completely Dependent.

I can’t feel without all that extra dopamine.

I can’t sustain on my own alone.

So restarting day 1.

As yesterday was a fail.

I want to be able to enjoy it for recreation.

But first I have to recalibrate myself to function Without it.

It’s harder than I anticipated.

I either need to stay in bed curled up fighting the urge.

Or over plan my day.

Looks like I’m going with the former for at least the first half of the day.

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I feel conflicted when reading this. I’ve reached a point where I believe that it’s up to me to care for and heal myself. But the people around can help and I am meant to be in community not alone. I have a community, several if I am really honest, all filling me up, as I pour out in different ways.

I am expanding this beyond a lover in a romantic sense, to anyone I love or share love with.

Friends, Family, Partners, Strangers. However, I am starting with myself, finding my well, so I can pour into others, meaningfully and honestly. My community will pour back into me.

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