captkevman

[captkevman]

January 28, 1986 My grandparents lived in Melbourne Beach, FL, in a condo on A1A. The morning of the last Challenger launch, my grandmother decided to take her new Kodak Disc camera outside to capture some photos of the launch. My grandfather decided to stay inside and watch it on TV.

Grandma (we called her "Hunkie" - which is another story altogether) went out and got the shots, then came back into the condo and said to Grandpa ("Papa"): "F.M. - I got pictures of the launch, but something didn't look right." Papa replied, "Well I guess not - it just blew all to hell!" ---

To this day, these are the eeriest photos I know of the Challenger disaster. Perhaps it's because of the personal connection. These photos are 37 years old, from a low-end consumer camera. They're grainy, they're not very well color balanced (probably due to the age), but they are nonetheless striking. Just a casual observer, taking photos of a launch happening miles and miles to her north.

all photos ©1986 Jacqueline S. Durham (RIP)

[captkevman]

L

Living - I’m still among the breathing. So that’s a net positive.

Learning - Still. Every day.

Lost - I’ve been feeling sort of lost (in a general life-direction sense) for a long time, but perhaps I need to reframe the journey as the destination. I’m working on that.

Liberal - (<- link). I still don’t understand how this was somehow turned into a pejorative. I mean, the origin - the very essence of the word - means “free”. 

Loved - I’m have family and friends who care about me. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Lucky - Not only to have the people mentioned above, but also to have a steady job, a roof over my head, a (perhaps too) full fridge, and a working vehicle.

[captkevman]

30 Days, 30 Boards challenge

Recently, I’ve been sort of in a “regroup” phase with regards to my professional and creative lives. I’ve reached a point where I need to make a decision where I’m going to focus my efforts and interests, and every time this quandary has come up in the past, the one subject that is constant is board games. Last week, I decided I’m going to focus my efforts in that direction until I see how things go. Last month was #Inktober, but I didn't make time to participate, with the exception of a couple of drawings. #November used to bring with it the #30Characters challenge, but that went by the wayside a few years ago. It occurred to me that, since I want to dive head-first into the board game thing, I may as well make myself a challenge for November: I’ll post 30 game board sketches/concepts in 30 days. These boards may be my take on traditional games (well known or obscure), or they may be of my own design or concept. We’ll just see how this goes.

[captkevman]

I’m back, baby!

Yeeesh....it’s been a while since I’ve used this blog regularly. Well, that changes now (at least for now, anyway). Read on to learn more....

[captkevman]

More than this

It’s been a long dry spell  – as evidenced by the very sporadic updates on this blog. I thought it was time to change it up a bit, so you may notice (if you’re looking at the captkevman.tumblr.com site) that I’ve changed the theme. I’ve also changed the name and description, but those are pretty fluid at the moment, and currently only reflect the frustration I’m feeling with myself of late.

I tend to get overly whiny when I feel compelled to post something here. I wish this post was an exception to that rule, but alas, it is not.

Some of you may know that I sort of started & “organized” (to use the term loosely) a local comic & cartoonist creators’ community about 8 years ago. I was very involved with it for quite some time. In addition to scheduling the regular twice-monthly meetings, I also arranged for the group’s participation in local events like conventions and special drawing events (like mini-comics day and 24 Hour Comics Day). Some of you may also know that I started and helped organize an annual community drawing festival that ran for about 4 years (with mixed success).

Both of those projects brought me certain levels of personal fulfillment, but almost two years ago, I abandoned them both – I didn’t feel that my involvement with either was fair to them. The creators’ group deserved someone who walked the walk, and I was not actively creating (except occasionally during the meetings). I abandoned the drawing festival for a similar reason: I did not have the skills to properly plan the event so it would be an enriching experience for the community – it deserved better than what I had been bringing to it. Neither project was helped by the fact that I also had some personal matters that required my attention at the time.

So, I walked away – I hoped, temporarily. I stopped creating (nearly completely). Additionally, my business (which consisted of just me, as a self-employed tech consultant) faltered due in no small part to my ADHD challenges, and I found myself just sort of adrift, professionally, emotionally, and creatively. I ended up back at my Dad’s sign shop, trying to revive a business that he gave up on long ago. I just don’t feel any passion for it – or for anything else, for that matter. It hasn't been until recently that I’ve realized just how much of myself I gave up in order to “get things right” with myself.

I’m just now realizing that somehow over the past couple of years, I’ve lost myself.

About a month and a half ago, I went out to a local venue’s open-house night to see if I could reconnect with some sort of creative energy, but it had been so long since I had allowed myself to go out socially and/or creatively (outside the confines of family), I quickly found my way back out the door and into the relative familiarity and isolation of my car.

Just yesterday, I went out to a local convention to see if I could reconnect with some fellow creators there, but the few familiar faces I saw there looked right past me, and I was too self-conscious to initiate a reconnection. I did a once-around, and again, I retreated.

So I guess this is another attempt at trying to re-ignite whatever creative efforts are smoldering under the wreckage of my self-loathing. I want to create again, but I just can’t bring myself to do it, for whatever reason: be it my fear of failure, my guilt and shame for not trying harder sooner, my embarrassment for getting to be this age and having created little to nothing to show for it.

I think I’m hoping just writing this will make it somehow more real and more inspiring for me. Maybe I think that just getting this one thing – this little, whiny, self-pitying post, as insignificant as it is – will somehow spur me on to do the next little insignificant thing, and another, and another...until maybe I might have enough out there to at least convince myself that I’m creating *something*.

Whatever comes of it, it has to be more than what has been missing.

[captkevman]

New plates arrived. 😝 (an ode to my ADD...and the webcomic I never really finished putting together).

[captkevman]

The Blessing & The Curse

My “neurodiversity” is completely kicking my ass this week. So, instead of focusing on the negative, I’m going to try to see some positive right now. Lord knows, I need a better perspective.

So Many Projects to Pick From!

Every Spring/Summer, my brain kicks into high gear, and I have a plethora of projects that I want to get done. Of course, my ADHD makes it difficult for me to ever get any of them done, but that just means I have that many more to choose from each year. Current projects in various states of completion: (3) board game ideas (one of which is over 20 years old now!), (2) card game ideas, several children’s books, a webcomic, a cartoon strip, a video blog, a podcast, and several community events (note: the annual drawing event I’ve been organizing for the past four years will probably not happen this year, due to my inability to plan it properly). Never a Dull Moment

With my ADHD, time is irrelevant. Deadlines are only deadlines when they’re right in front of me and they’re the next thing I have to deal with. As a result, things like gifts & cards for birthdays or other events get put off until the last minute, I tend to leave for appointments later than I should, because I lose track of time, and projects that would benefit from advanced planning end up getting hobbled together at the last minute (although admittedly, I’ve gotten really good at doing that over the years).

A Messy Desk is the Sign of a Genius Mind

...or at least, so I’ve heard. I’m clinging on to that, anyway. (What if my whole room/house is a mess? Does that make me some sort of advanced guru?) 

That’s about all the positivity I can muster right now. Yesterday, I was so panicked at the amount of clutter I have to deal with (both physically and mentally), that I just shut down for the day. Done.

On the brighter side, though – today I had enough clarity of thought to at least put my feelings into words here. That’s a start, I guess.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just realized I have an appointment in 29 minutes, and I have about 20 minutes worth of prep to do before making the 20 minute drive there. (...and so it continues...)

[captkevman]

Two calls to derail the day

Two phone calls this morning:

First was from a tech scammer, trying to tell me he was calling about my "computer's security" and that it was under attack. I called bullshit and hung up on him.

Second one was from Apple in California, asking if Beach Tec (the business I put on hold at the end of last year) was able to remove cameras from iPhones for a local customer. After I informed him Beach Tec wasn't a thing anymore, and that I was unable to offer that service, he tried to encourage me to apply to Apple, as they were on a hiring spree (I have several times over the past couple of years, but have heard nothing back).

Somehow, just remembering my situation (not being able to grow/manage Beach Tec properly, being shut out early on from applying to be an Authorized Apple Service Provider) brought all the frustration I've felt over the last six years or so to the surface and put me in a foul mood.

[captkevman]

Focus on me

I’ve spent 20+ years (probably more like 25+ or more) just sort of drifting down this river called Life.

Y’know, I was going to go ahead with that metaphor, but everything I’ve typed after that in an attempt to stick with it sounded stupid. So let me just stream-of-consciousness this thing....

I’ve complained about whined about mentioned before that I have ADHD. It has pretty much kicked my ass over this last...well...adulthood of mine. Not that I didn’t have it earlier – it just didn’t have as profound an affect on my life before I was officially an adult, expected to be responsible for myself (and others).

My ADHD makes everything around me a stressor, mainly because everything around me is a negative result of my ADHD.

As I type this, I’m on my MacBook Pro set up on a folding table (the supposedly temporary kind, like you’d pull out for a party or something), which also has strewn/stacked on it:

Blu-Ray discs

a few small-sized games in pouches and small boxes

some mail from the past few days

a container of Lysol wipes

a couple of my daughter’s stuffed animals

my phone

a few mechanical pencils (because I keep unsuccessfully trying to remind myself I’m supposed to be cartooning)

last year’s wall calendar

my “nice” headphones in their case

a couple of empty LEGO kit boxes

a LEGO Gingerbread House (built)

a stray cable or two

a couple of thumb drives

a Best Buy bag with a hard drive in it that I purchased because I forgot I already had one.

...and that’s just the table where I’m sitting. The space surrounding the table is just as bad, if not worse. The part of the house that’s supposed to be my “office” (which is actually the next room over) is so bad, I can barely move in it, let alone sit and get anything done.

I’m surrounded by chaos – of my own creation - and it’s maddening to me. It shuts my brain down and paralyzes me with inaction. And the thing is, it’s not just affecting me, it affects my whole family. THEY have to put up with this crap every day.

I’m whining again. Not what I intended to do with this post.

What was my intention? I’m going to try to tackle this beast by the horns. I can’t let my life continue like this. I just had to shut down my computer consulting/repair business of six years because I couldn’t manage my ADHD, which kept me from running it successfully. That was a huge blow to my confidence and sense of self-worth (but then again, ADHD constantly provides those feelings by the truck-full anyway).

I’m supposed to be “transitioning jobs” to help revive my Dad’s sign business and bring it in to the 21st century, but he has ADHD (and doesn’t believe he does), as bad or worse than I do. I haven’t been able to get motivated to get up and go to work. I still have computer customers calling me (thankfully), and I make a few of those appointments and callbacks, but I can’t get motivated to go to the sign shop – it’s just like leaving my own chaos to (not) work in my Dad’s chaos.

Again with the sidetracking. Sorry. One thing I remember that I enjoy doing is writing. Some people have told me they enjoy my writing, so I guess that’s a bonus. It’s cathartic for me, and I haven’t done enough of it recently, so this is my attempt at kickstarting my blog again. I’m going to write about me. I’ll whine, I’ll complain, I’ll probably occasionally feel sorry for myself. But I’m also going to try to tackle the things in my life that I haven't been able to so far.

I have unmanaged ADHD, which means I’m not on any medications (for medical reasons, mostly that the medication I need to manage my ADHD is incompatible with other medications i take regularly). I’ve tried desperately and failed spectacularly in trying to use organizational tools to help me with my day-to-day.

Maybe writing about it and putting it out there will help. Maybe attacking it every day with written words will help push me in the right direction.

I don’t know what the answer is. All I do know is that I haven’t found it yet, and I’ve been looking for what seems like forever.

I’m sick of being stressed. I’m sick of feeling like the poster boy for gifted underachievers. I’m sick of not being on top of this. I deserve better. My family deserves better.

Let’s see if I can make a go of this.

P.S. It’s not lost on me that this post itself is fueled by the very ADHD behaviors that I’m complaining about, nor is it lost on me that I may very well abandon this project, as well. That’s how ADHD works. And that’s what I’m trying to come to terms with. I hope you’ll see more of this (or something) from me after this...that would mean I’m making progress.

[captkevman]

Please do me a favor and reblog or like this post if you are a cis person who feels 100% okay about sharing restrooms, changing rooms, and other public spaces with folks who are trans.

(Sometimes I don’t know how to help the folks in my life who are trans and have...

[captkevman]

Let's see how far this gets. ;)

[captkevman]

"Sending out an S.O.S."

Hoo, boy. Here goes:

As many of you know, I’ve been an independent computer/tech (Apple) products consultant and technician for the past 5 years; I went into business for myself after leaving Apple, but I still wanted to help people in ways that Apple was unable to (like house calls, out-of-warranty repairs, stuff like that).

I’ve met many wonderful customers, and I’ve learned a lot in the past 5 years. I’ve stumbled and I’ve fallen repeatedly. But each time, I’ve gotten back up and tried to make a go of it again. But it’s becoming increasingly difficult each time I do.

In a separate, but very much related note, my brain is pretty severely ADHD — to the point that I get dangerously distracted while doing things like cooking (for example). Executive function tasks (like organization, planning, routine actions, administrative tasks) are particularly difficult for me. The longer I am in business, the more calls I end up accumulating, and most of them become calls that I get sidetracked from calling back on time (if at all). Unfortunately, I am unable to treat my ADHD with medication.

So I’m in the same position that I’ve been in for a while now. I know I need someone to help me with executive function tasks that I’m unable to do effectively, but at the same time, I haven’t been able to stay on top of enough work to get ahead and save for things like office rent or salary for an assistant/employee.

My brain is not wired for running this business…and yet, I have this business. I have customers that value and appreciate the services I provide, but some of them can get understandably frustrated when things like unreturned calls or non-received invoices come to play.

It has gotten to the point where I need to decide if I’m going to continue with Beach Tec or not. My original vision was to eventually have a retail shop/office where people would feel comfortable bringing their gear to fix or to just learn. A place that would offer small business and on-site support as well as personal/corporate training. A place that would have friendly experts on-staff or in partnership.

It’s clearer to me now, more than ever, that I can’t make that happen, at least not on my own. 

This post is running on longer than I had intended…but I’ve been wanting to put this out there for a while now. I work mostly solo since I started Beach Tec (5+ years ago), so I don’t really get a chance to run stuff like this by friends or colleagues (one of several things I miss about working at Apple).

Thanks so much for your time, if you’ve read this far (or any part of this). If anyone would care to offer thoughts/advice, it wouldn’t go unappreciated.

Thanks! Kevin TL;DR  I could really use someone who could help me run my business, or probably need to shut it down.

[captkevman]

I came back to my car, and this image struck me as interesting, and also pretty much sums up one of my struggles: trying to run my business over a foundation of chaos.

[captkevman]

It’s a two-fer! Courtesy of @dcwomenkickingass, and specifically this post, I had to do an edit of these, while my storyboards wait. 

I’m not going to go into long explanations here, I hope the drawings do speak for themselves. In the first case, it’s a Land being Land, although I do have to say that he did give a butt to Silk, as opposed to his usual ablation of hips and gluteus maximi. However, he unfortunately did it wrong. 

Artistic anatomy is all about drawing structure, from the inside out. Your muscles by themselves can’t look right if they aren’t placed on top of a properly proportioned skeleton.  Boobs won’t look right if they aren’t drawn as following the curve of the ribcage, its center line, or the movement of the arms which either pull or push on the pectorals on which the breasts hang. The arms back mean the shoulders are lowered, and the angle of the hands will be different since there’s a 3/4 turn on the torso. It shows that Land is drawing by guessed shapes, copied contours and practiced repeated motions. There’s no real structure underneath his shapes.

And if we look at the legs, I can only picture Kitty Pride phasing out of a wall: the legs look like they got mangled up to look like stumps. But even structure-wise, there is no thought put into whether the pose actually works, which is why it looks so clumsy. The legs should be reversed due to the line of action that’s in the torso but not followed through into the pelvis and legs. And I’ve been using the coil technique a lot in order to make my volumes work - it should be obvious by the roughs above - which help me figure out things like foreshortening. 

Silk too was a problem of lack of structure, proportions all over the place, and lack of weight and purpose, but it felt moreso than Spiderwoman. I used the same pose Land did but worked out the skeleton first, using rotation arcs in order to properly proportion the length of the various limbs. I don’t know these characters and I might not have used these poses, but Silk here definitely looks like she’s dancing.

The variant cover by Manara looks like a pose right out of porn, pelvis up and cheeks spread, costume looking like body paint, and it makes me very uncomfortable. She doesn’t look like a superhero about to strike, she looks like she’s about to get… well, it’s a porn pose. This is sexualisation. It also reminds me of the Dog Bone sexy shape. 

So I turned the pose sideways to figure it out, and to see what would work better. The sideways pose as is, as you can see, is angled to do quite the opposite of ass-kicking. Were she to try to leap from that pose, she’d fall flat on her face. The second pose is the “coiled like a spring”, but in the camera angle of the cover, it’s an ugly, ugly pose. So I tried to do something in-between, and just by making the pelvis horizontal and lifting the torso off the ground, I’ve managed to move the center of gravity so her weight is on her feet instead of her knees, she can use her arms to maneuver in most directions, and you still get an interesting body shape to look at. I think this works better, and much more ready to spring into motion.

Wanted also to say thanks for all the reblogs, likes and recent follows! I appreciate each one of them, and it’s because you’re still sharing and commenting that I came back to do this. However I’m still really busy! I won’t be posting a lot, but I do plan on posting more than I have. Back to storyboards for me! 

[captkevman]

I ran across this article this morning, which was interestingly timed, as I just yesterday had a crippling panic attack brought on by my ADD. I realized that shame has ruled my life for the past couple of decades. Although I'm an introvert, I do love being around people — but the behaviors brought on by my ADD (chronic lateness, the inability to keep things orderly or organized...basically, everything that I refer to as my "wake of chaos") make me feel somehow broken and ashamed. For example, I'd love to invite friends to visit our home, but it's constantly cluttered and messy — mostly because I can't deal with it. I'm always kicking myself for running late to things (especially client meetings), and I have persistent guilt that I've yet to make time to pursue cartooning like I've wanted to for the past 2-1/2 decades (because I am unable to manage my time and organize my work area properly). I shame myself for not being able to manage my business effectively enough to grow it, even a little bit. ...you get the idea. At any rate, here is the article condensed into one page. ----- SHAME and ADHD by Ned Hallowell, M.D. Living with ADHD can feel like a constant stream of apologies: we’re sorry we’re late, sorry we lost our keys, sorry we can’t keep the house neat — no matter how hard we try. If you have ADHD — especially if you were diagnosed late in your life — these endless apologies and self-blame may have added up to a crippling sense of shame. If you won’t even look in your purse anymore because you’re tortured by how disorganized it is, you may have a problem controlling your shame. 1. What Is Shame? Shame is characterized by a constant sense of inadequacy and agonizing feelings of embarrassment and humiliation. You may even feel like you’re developing a secret life — you’re so ashamed of who you are or what you've done that you're certain you'll never pass for “normal.” Shame is arguably the most painful of all the symptoms associated with ADHD. We carry it like a heavy anvil around our neck, telling ourselves, “I’m bad. I’m stupid. I’m just a loser.” 2. Consequences of Shame Shame can lead to deep depression, crippling anxiety, and in some cases, self-medication with drugs or alcohol — all of which can make it more difficult to solve problems and get out of the negative cycle. Shame can make you defensive, which can come across as anger — if you lash out at the people closest to you, you may push them away just when you need them most. 3. Confronting the Skeptics Unfortunately, pockets of society still view ADHD as a moral deficiency, and ADHDers as nothing more than lazy slackers. If you’ve heard the judgmental whispers all your life, it’s likely you’ve internalized them. When you look at your chaotic purse, you think, “My problem is that I lack discipline.” When you’re late to yet another meeting, you turn on yourself: “I’m a mess. I’m lazy. I’ll never get ahead.” 4. Getting Started: Break the Moral Diagnosis In order to fully conquer shame, you simply can’t view it through this moral framework. Instead, start looking at your ADHD from a neurological perspective. ADHD is supported by real science — like MRIs and genetic studies — so don’t view it as a personal fault. Acknowledge that yes, the condition exists, but it doesn't have to be a weakness; it’s simply a matter of brain chemistry. It’s your challenge to overcome, and it’s up to you to decide how to face it. 5. Adopt a Strength-Based Approach Embrace the positives that go with your ADHD, not just the negatives. Whenever you feel shame raise its ugly head, take a second to take stock of your talents and strengths. ADHD is characterized by creativity, initiative, persistence, originality, and more. Learn to recognize these traits in yourself, even at moments when it seems impossible. If you do the work to draw them out and strengthen them, you’ll better defend yourself against feelings of shame. 6. Expect Respect People who are buried by shame sometimes let others walk all over them. You may be afraid to disagree with your boss, for example, out of fear that you’ll blurt out something stupid. But this is a self-fulfilling prophecy — if you don’t expect respect, people are unlikely to give it. When you learn to recognize your own strengths, instead of being held back by shame, you can set healthy limits to how people can treat you. 7. Never Worry Alone Don’t be afraid to enlist help, whether it’s from a therapist, a friend, or your spouse. Having people on your team who "get it" and are looking out for you can work wonders. To find a coach or a therapist, begin by looking in the ADDitude directory. Don’t let your location hold you back! Many therapists conduct Skype or phone sessions, and online support groups like ADDConnect can give you a sense of community wherever you go. 8. Come Up with Anti-Shame Systems Tackle your shame head on, directly targeting the issues that cause it. For example, if you feel ashamed because you're always losing your car keys, come up with a specific system to keep track of them. Try taking a small basket and putting it on a table by the front door, and train yourself to put your car keys in the basket every day when you come in. As your track record slowly improves, your shame will turn into pride and higher self-esteem. 9. Don’t Make Excuses You can’t say to the IRS, “Look, I have ADD, so I didn't remember to pay my taxes.” Don’t become so consumed by your shame that you excuse yourself from inappropriate behaviors. Instead, acknowledge your ADHD as an underlying cause, and do the necessary work to overcome it, even when it’s challenging. 10. Don’t Give Up! People with ADHD are unbelievably tenacious. They keep trying, even when it’s hard — it’s part of what makes them special. Once you identify your positive traits, build your support system, and find out where you thrive, you can work towards putting your shame behind you.

[captkevman]

For as much as I preach the words "never stop drawing", I make precious little time to do so myself of late. This was just a freehand ballpoint pen face that just sort of drew itself. Funny thing was, I was trying to draw more simplified cartoon character designs, which were all forced and wrong. It was as if the pen was reminding me where my comfort zone was.

[captkevman]

[NOTE: this is a re-post from a moment ago, after I realized tumblr wouldn't display an animated .gif. Hopefully, the link above works.]

I’m not a sports guy, but this is (I think) a good illustration of what happened to me this morning.

This week, a customer called and asked about the status of the part I had ordered for his computer. I came in last week, but I had forgotten to call him to let him know (which is why I always ask customers to call me if they haven’t heard from me…because, well…ADD.) So I said, “Sure…the part’s already here, and I have it ready to go. How about Friday morning?” So, I get in the car to head over to his house, and…

<cut to metaphor>

I (represented by the white player, whose name I don’t know and can’t see, with the ball), was ready to deliver and install the part (the entire job is represented by the ball), when ADD (represented by LeBron James), with complete confidence, jumps up and pimp-slaps the job out of my hand. <cut back from metaphor> I swear I remember putting the part and paperwork in my car to deliver when it arrived, thinking “see? I’m planning ahead!” I just scoured my car. It’s not there. I’m tearing apart the house looking for it…it’s not there either. So, I had to (embarrassingly) call the customer to reschedule, explaining “uhh….I don’t know where I put the part.” <shakes fist at sky…CURSE YOU, FAULTY BRAIN!>