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caelustinum-finale-termini · 1 year ago

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day 0: chaos in the deep

word count: 1.5k

summary:

she asked you if you liked the future written for you. a family… wonderful experiences… adventures… it sounds like fun… what a wonderful thing… so you suppose you do. you sluggishly moved your head to nod, feeling weary from the simple act alone. she said “elio” foresaw this future for you. and she believes in his judgement, so you do too. why shouldn’t you? « lovely. » she smiles at your answer. to you, her smile was kind and incredibly comforting.

author's note:

while you get to choose the dialogues for the main character, you rarely ever get to know what they think about, what their reasoning is behind certain choices, ala "silent protagonist" trope. but the concept of the mc is so interesting to me, and i wanted to rewrite segments of the story (changing some of the dialogues, adding some stuff in, cutting some stuff out, moving things around, all of that) taking more into account his emotional and mental development.

ergo, examining in this caelus-centric fic how he matures from his experiences through his thoughts and internal dialogue, as caelus is a supposed adult, but with the emotional development of an infant.

will also include original scenarios involving caelus and the shenanigans that ensues due to his naivete in sometimes-mundane-sometimes-not-situations eventually.

additional thoughts for this chapter at the end.

and suddenly, you became aware.

you take a breath, deep, like a gasp after holding your breath for too long, when it’s not actually the case. you’ve always been breathing, but this time you are aware as it fills your lungs, as your chest rises, and then falls.

breathe in. the first thing you notice is the dull noise reaching your ears, a low rumble that you can feel against your body. breathe out. you realise the humming reverberates in the room. breathe in. there’s another sound, high-pitched and almost melodious, repeated and trilling. breathe out. you feel the floor under you, it’s hard and cold and unpleasant, the temperature seeping into your skin. breathe in. it’s cold. it’s uncomfortable. you try to move your body, then your arm, then your fingers when that doesn’t work, until you realise you cannot move. breathe out. you’re tired.

your eyelids feel as heavy as the rest of your body, but to your own surprise, you manage to slowly open them, blearily looking ahead as the blur before you shifts into focus, the noises becoming louder as you become more conscious. breathe in.

it’s so bright. the lights on the ceiling. your eyes hurt. breathe out.

as soon as you opened your eyes, you felt the desire to close them again and go back to sleep, the stimuli overloading your senses, and yet, you continued scanning the environment (cold, sterile, austere), noticing the other figure off to the side.

upon noticing your wakefulness, the woman in front you smiled, her pleased chuckle bringing your gaze back to her.

breathe in.

you observe her as you try to find your voice. to you, she seemed like a beautiful woman with wine-red hair and incredibly soft eyes.

« where… am i? » you asked slowly, breathing out, surprised you even managed to say anything.

« a space station, but that’s not important. » she answers calmly.

there was now a slight ringing in your ears, distorting your hearing slightly, your own voice coming off slightly warped.

was this your voice? is this what it sounded like? judging from the pitch it seems you must be a male.

how come you did not know that?

you realise that not only did you not know where you were, but you weren’t certain about your own identity either. and with that came a sudden surge of panic and uncertainty that was almost enough to fully rouse you. where were you, you had asked. and after that, other questions of a similar train invaded your mind: who were you? who are they? why are you here? a space station? you don’t understand. what… how… who… why—

before you had the chance to spiral, she spoke to you once more. to you, her voice was reassuring and incredibly gentle.

« listen: you are in a daze right now. you don't know who you are, why you're here, or what you're going to do next. you think i look familiar, but you're not sure if you should trust me— »

so she does look like someone you know. who is she?

you’ve met before, but where? how? why?

the ringing was stronger now, her voice sounding warbled to your ear, as if you were straining to listen to her while underwater. you’re light-headed and woozy, and your mind feels fragmented in a way you can’t reconcile. and yet, her words continued to soothe you, making you believe that everything will be alright.

it’s true that you’re confused, you don’t know who you are and why you’re at this space station, and she tells you so, yet she sounds calm, so you are too. you don’t know what will happen next, but she seems assured, so why shouldn’t you be?

you trust her. why shouldn’t you?

you feel secure, and as it washes over you, you begin to space out again. it wouldn’t hurt to close your eyes just for a bit, right? you’re tired. it’s too bright. your vision is getting blurry.

she mentions something about how “it” doesn’t matter and how you didn’t need to worry about your past, so you won’t.

and then you hear that she’s leaving (you don’t want her to leave…) and that you’ll be all alone on the station (you don’t want to be alone… you’re scared…). why does she say all of this with a smile? you’re scared.

you try to say something.

« listen, » and so you did, the previous thought discarded, your full attention within your grasp and fully turned towards her. « in the near future, you will encounter all kinds of perils and hardships, but you will also have many wonderful experiences. you'll meet companions who treat you like family, and embark on surreal adventures with them… »

perils? hardships? how? what kind? why? family… do you have one? you can’t remember anyone. your inability to recall your parents leaves you oddly upset. does your family remember you?

she asked you if you liked the future written for you.

a family… wonderful experiences… adventures… it sounds like fun… what a wonderful thing…

so you suppose you do.

you sluggishly moved your head to nod, feeling weary from the simple act alone.

she said “elio” foresaw this future for you. and she believes in his judgement, so you do too. why shouldn’t you?

« lovely. » she smiles at your answer. to you, her smile was kind and incredibly comforting.

« listen: remember what you’re feeling in this moment. » she instructs. « as long as you know in your heart where you’re heading, you are guaranteed to see the ending in your story. that’s the you i like. »

the “you” she likes? who is this person that she likes? what is he like? and you are like him? but you don’t even know what you are like. who are you? what kind of person are you? as long as you follow your heart, you become that person? you are a person who is driven and follows his wishes?

« where– where are you going…? » the words bubbled up urgently from within you, and you wince at the slight pain you feel in your throat, hoarse from disuse.

you cough slightly. how long has it been since you’ve spoken last? your voice is raspy and your mouth feels impossibly dry.

huh… and since when did you stop manually breathing?

« the next stop, to pave the way for the future that is written. »

ah… you think your mind wandered off again… but at least the ringing is gone now… her voice coming much more clearly to you.

she said it’s just like weaving a brocade (what’s a brocade?). that you and her can only progress one thread (step?) at a time at this thing you two have to do, but eventually you two will make something beautiful together. the idea makes you feel strangely happy and fulfilled. you’d like to make something nice.

and if this is something you are working on together, surely this means that somewhere along your adventures you will meet her again?

« how long do you think you need? » catching you off-guard, the other figure in the room spoke up. she appeared younger than the one in front of you. younger, and disinterested. who is she? « according to the script, the astral express crew is arriving soon. we should avoid being seen by them. » she reminds pressingly.

script? what script? like a play? why did they need to leave so soon? who is the astral express crew? why do they need to avoid them? do you have to avoid them too? are they bad?

« i know, silver wolf. » she affirms, frowning slightly. « just give me another minute. » but she begins to smile again when she turns back you.

so that other person’s name is silver wolf? her hair is grey… so then what is this person’s name? this woman speaking to you, who is she? you feel as though you know her name. you’re convinced you’ve met before. but then why can’t you remember her?

her name is just at the tip of your tongue, you can’t articulate it, just out of your grasp.

« i must leave now. » she says with finality.

so soon? but all thoughts of trying to convince her to stay leaves you.

« listen, » that ringing in your ear is back, you wince. « someone will come and find you very soon, just go with them. you won't remember a thing except me. »

someone? just follow them? you don’t understand. why won’t you remember any of this?

« kafka…! » you say without realising.

kafka is her name! you remember!

but she does not react, merely standing up to make her leave. try as you might to reach out for her, this cumbersome body of yours refused to move. so you remain where you are fallen as she leaves your side, a sudden wave of weariness overtaking you.

ugh… the headache is back… you don’t understand.

« when you have a chance to make a choice, make one that you know you won't regret… » she instructs.

and yet, despite your reluctance to see them go, you listen, and do as you’re told. you close your eyes and allow those traces to escape your memory as you fall back asleep, the two turning away and leaving you behind the last thing you see.

breathe in.

notes:

my personal concept of caelus is that, while he has the mental acuity of an average adult, the fact that he was created (spawned?) just a few days ago and holds no memories of his past essentially makes him a blank slate as he has no previous lived experience or model figures/role models with what to base his behaviour and thoughts/speech from.

which can make him incredibly childish and simple at times, especially emotionally.

and can lead to him to him very much copying the speech and gestures of those around him, and voraciously exploring and interacting with his environment, as he's essentially building (or re-building) a repertoire to start understanding the world around him, and actually thinking and acting on his own.

this first chapter is different from the ones that will follow it, as it is in the 2nd person to reflect how the game was in the 1st person during this cutscene, while also adding to the fact that his identity was unknown to him at the time.

when he first wakes up since... who knows, not knowing anything and not remembering anything, he is incredibly disorientated and confused. but he sees two people, and one of them is speaking softly to him, and so he'd imprint on her (even without being conscious of his relation to her prior to waking up), and naturally look to her for safety and care.

i wanted to write about how caelus, being like 0 days old, would be incredibly and highly dependent on the people around him. while of course, he'd be able to walk around and take care of himself on his own, much like an adult, mentally he'd still manifest a noticeable dependency on his environment, turning on the parental figure/role model to help him find words and form an opinion. and so he uses the same words kafka does, and blindly seconds what kafka thinks, even if he doesn't fully understand it. this mirroring is doubly fuelled by the fact that he needs to endear himself to this person who, in his mind, is his caretaker figure, because otherwise, she'll abandon him and "he'll die" (not true, but an infantile fear). and what better way to make someone keep you around than by mirroring them and seeking to please/make that person proud?

such were the thoughts behind this short first chapter hahaha.

he'll grow out of this phase rather quickly.

#trailblazer travlog #honkai star rail fanfic #hsr fanfic #trailblazer #caelus #caelus & kafka #kafka star rail #caelus star rail

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