breakingfree79

[breakingfree79]

I am 3 days exercise-free (is that even a word? Or something to be proud of?) and everything’s fine. I’m fine. I can and will get through this, because there is no other way out and life has been waiting out there long enough. And gaining weight is the first step to make this possible.

Hope you are having a beautiful Sunday! <3

[breakingfree79]

Hello my lovely friends! It's been ages since I was here, I know, but things haven't been great. I'm on my phone and can't put a "read more" but feel free to stop reading! ---------------------------------------------------------- I am so tired of my life. I have been obsessively exercising again, to the point that if I can't run (my hips hurt) I need to walk for two hours. Maybe it's not excessive but is destructive for my mental health, as I see it as a "need". So I still need to gain a lot of weight but I'm maintaining on a ridiculous amount, that my digestive system can't handle (I need prokinetics and antacids) just because I can't stop exercising so I could eat less. My mind is a mess: I spend all day regretting all the damage I've done to my loved ones and myself, how I'm wasting my life, how desperately want to get better but still can't figure out how. I can't sleep and am always tired. I feel that all the money spent in therapy has gone to waste, as expected. I wish I could go to sleep and tomorrow make a fresh start, but I guess that I'm afraid. As always, I'm not giving up. I still believe that one day I will be free, and see that day so close one moment, so far the next. I'm trying, I promise I'm really trying. Sorry to those of you that read this. I hope you're fine. As always, I have difficulties seeing your posts on the phone, so hopefully I will interact with you when I'm on my laptop. Sending you all my love and best wishes for the week.

[breakingfree79]

Hello and excuse my long absence!

I came back home right before last weekend but I have been in another city for more than two weeks. My husband was doing a project there and had to travel and stay until it was finished. I was going to stay at home but he found a place where our animals were allowed, so I thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea and we all went there! (Noah’s ark on the road again...)

These few days I’ve been doing some needed shopping, cleaning and resting.

Hope you are all fine and having a wonderful week!

[breakingfree79]

Thank you so much for your comments on my last post. Your words always mean a lot to me!

@persepine @soullikethesea you are right: I need to work on my self-esteem. I am still afraid of losing my “identity” and care too much about what other people may think. It’s still difficult for me to accept the fact that I’m worthy and deserve better, even knowing that it’s true.

@faithhopeloveandtherapy yes, I know! The only way out is through and I will never give up! I’m determined to keep moving forward, even if my pace is slow, I know that I’m moving in the right direction.

wish you all a wonderful week!

[breakingfree79]

Hello all. I’m sorry for being absent. I have missed you all! 

Again, my phone doesn’t show me your posts... but I hope you are fine.

I didn’t want to let anyone down and I didn’t have anything positive to say. I just want a new life (should I say just a life?) and I haven’t been taking steps in the right direction, to be honest. I have been thinking about deleting this account or all my posts and start fresh again.

I was discharged from therapy last week. I have make a lot of mental progress but sadly, not physical. I can identify my triggers, I know how to cope with my emotions, to distract from useless thoughts, I know everything I need to do in order to get better... but still can’t bring myself to do it. I see myself like a book full of knowledge, waiting to be read and put into practice. I guess that the only way is forcing myself and that’s what I’m trying to do.

I can’t insert a read more either, so TW: these last few months I exercised too much, although my joints ache and my heart is weak, so I needed a ridiculous amount of food just to maintain my underweight state, and my already slow digestion is even worse. I was scared but I continued (dizziness and heart races are not funny at all) TW end.

I have stopped. There is no point on doing this to myself. The only way out is through and I am forcing myself to end with all this suffering, for me and my poor husband.

Sorry for the rambling but thanks for reading, anyway. I will maybe delete this later, I don’t know what to do with this blog.

Hope you are having a nice weekend. Much love!! 

[breakingfree79]

Hello!!! 

These last few week have been hell, but at least I’m alive.

My parents finally realized that I have a real problem (after 18 years, WTF!!!). So they started blaming my husband for not having forced me to do the right things (because, of course, I’m “his responsibility”, you know, because I live with him and he must take care of me, the same as if I was a 3 year old innocent little girl). Last week I went to visit them because my father is having some health problems, and they started telling really ugly and false things of my husband (terrible things), so after an awful fight with them, I arrived home crying my heart out (still don’t know how I didn’t have a car accident) and saying that I wanted to end with my life because I couldn’t stand all the suffering. 

Now my husband doesn’t want to see them anymore, not ever again, not because what they think about him, but because they hurt me and make me feel worse. And they planted the seed of my illness with their behaviour, since I was a child, but still can’t see it: he will never forgive them and I feel really bad because I also love them but they are just so ignorant... And I am the cause of this disaster. Of course, as a result, I lost weight.

I am trying to see the positive things. I am grateful for having such a wonderful and loving man by my side. I am fighting for my life, for our lives together, for our happiness, for all the good that we (specially he) deserve.

It’s hard to accept, but maybe I can’t make everyone happy, and that’s okay. I can only believe that, if I get better, my parents will also be happy.

I hope you are all fine and having a nice Sunday.

Love <3

[breakingfree79]

I hope you are having a happy Easter (those who celebrate).

Here the weather is very nice, after the rain that stayed with us until last Tuesday, and we are enjoying beautiful walks with Odie.

Have a wonderful weekend!

[breakingfree79]

Hello all!

I’m sorry, I’m on my phone and it’s not cooperating, so I can’t see your posts, but finally allowed me to write something!  

I’m fine. I’ve been considering going back to work, as I think it could help me to distract (as well as it would help my husband) and I want to talk about it with my psychologist.

Hope you are all fine! 

[breakingfree79]

I feel grateful for therapy, because it is making me able to show my feelings to my parents. I never thought this could be possible.

They way they seem to have forgotten who I was when I was healthy and get used to my sick personality is a big obstacle in my recovery: it’s irrational, I know, but I feel I am never going to be “physically” accepted when the old happy, noisy and strong me come back. Now they have understood that getting to a minimally healthy weight is not enough: every time I get there I am just as sad, miserable and pointless as before.

Hope you are having a nice weekend!  

[breakingfree79]

Doctor appointment tomorrow (weigh-in, etc.). I’m nervous because I have barely gained in two weeks, despite been eating more than he wants me do, and the last time he said that maybe “more drastic feeding” will be needed. I don’t think it’s high metabolism because I’m deadly cold all the time. I have digestive problems so my diet already includes a lot of sugary-fatty stuff (chocolate, jam, biscuits... as I find them easier to digest) and adding even more doesn’t seem the right option, as I’m scared that it will do more harm than good. Maybe it’s an irrational fear and it’s worth a try, at least until I’m at a healthier weight... 

That’s all. Sorry for the rambling.

I hope you are having a lovely Sunday.

[breakingfree79]

It seems impossible to eat even more. I feel my digestive system bursting all day, every day. No fun. So I know the answer is to stop exercising, yet I don’t know how to do it.

[breakingfree79]

I’m feeling mentally better lately. My thoughts are clearer and I’m coping fine with my emotions.

Sadly, my physical state hasn’t improved much yet. As I’ve been told too many times, a healthy mind leads to a healthy body, so I stay hopeful and happy with my progress, so far.

Hope you are having a nice week.   

[breakingfree79]

Why I just can’t let go and live?

Things would be so much easier.

[breakingfree79]

I’m sorry for my lack of activity/interaction. I’m feeling quite sad and depressed lately. I just want this to be over and go on with my life. I’m trying.

[breakingfree79]

This is so true.

What Eating Disorders are really about...

While we still have a long way to go in terms of understanding Eating disorders, I believe we have progressed.

Many of us get that “Eating disorders aren’t about food or weight” because it’s the number one phrase that gets shouted from the rooftops by Eating disorder sufferers & Eating disorder support organisations (for good reason) it was/is such a damaging misconception. But what many people still don’t understand, is what they ARE actually about. I feel like people avoid talking about what Eating disorders are about because they are SO complex, there are often many, many layers, an accumulation of different factors. It gets complicated. The most common phrase I hear…“I know that Eating disorders aren’t about food or weight…it’s about control.” Yeah. Often this is the case, the desire for control is hugely common but it’s a terribly over simplified explanation. The reasons behind the disorder are as individual as the sufferer him/herself, so it’s risky territory listing possible causes…But I’m writing this in the hope that it helps to broaden understanding of this illness and to shed some light into some of the darker, less spoken about underlying issues. It’s not about food or weight…It’s about feeling unsafe in the world. It’s about feeling like we can’t trust anyone, not even ourselves. The Eating Disorder becomes “the reliable one”. It’s about the feelings we can’t verbalize, that can’t be expressed through words so we try to “say” it with our bodies. It’s about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate.  Like nothing we do or say or feel is “right”. “Not thin enough” often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough. full stop. It’s about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The Eating Disorder gives us a sense of calm…to an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to sit with; the Eating Disorder provides us with simple, concrete answers to our distress. Our bodies are the problem and we need to fix the problem by losing weight. It’s about needing to feel loved and comforted but feeling unworthy of real love and comfort. It’s about hating having needs and desires. For some of us, needs make us feel greedy and selfish. For some of us, having needs means we can easily get hurt if those needs are not met. For some of us, we don’t believe we deserve to have our needs met. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t need anything by avoiding food, one of our greatest primal needs. It’s about having low self esteem. It’s about more than that, it’s about self hatred. A self hatred that could be there for another huge list of reasons. Our trust may have been broken by a loved one, we may have been abused: emotionally, physically, sexually. We may have done things we deeply regret. We may blame ourselves for painful experiences that have happened in our lives. We may not even know why that self hatred is there but we feel it in our core. It’s something so deep down, something in us that we believe to be dark, dangerous and disgustingly horrible. We believe we are “bad” people and deserve to be punished. We starve, purge, binge and excessively exercise because we feel like we deserve to die a slow and painful death. We deserve this miserable life. It’s about debilitating anxiety and/or depression that we struggle to deal with so we use the Eating Disorder to cope. Some of us spend years swinging between depression and the Eating Disorder, when one gets better, the other gets worse. It’s about being paralysed by perfectionism. In every sense of the word. Many of us have obsessive compulsive personalities and expectations that are so high we constantly feel like we are failing. We put ridiculous amounts of pressure on ourselves to be “the best”. We compare ourselves to everyone around us and constantly feel like we are falling behind. It’s about the disgust we have for our bodies. Some of us have been teased and shamed for our weight by kids in the school yard, brothers or sisters, mothers or fathers. Some of us feel embarrassed by our changing bodies as we go through puberty. Some of us blame our bodies for acts of violation committed against us. Somehow, our bodies have betrayed us. It’s about the environment we grew up in. Some of us grew up witnessing the messy divorce of our parents, some of us experienced the death of an important loved one, some of us were foster children, moved from household to household. Some of us were bullied for being poor or bullied for being rich. Some of us grew up in chaotic households. For some of us, our parents were distant, for others our parents were overbearing and overprotective. It’s about secrecy and silence. We are all silently screaming for something. Love, help, escape, forgiveness, support, comfort. We use our bodies and behaviours to communicate instead of our voices. It’s about fear. We are afraid of growing up, afraid of staying young. Afraid of our future, afraid of our past. Some of us are afraid of failure, some of us are afraid of success. Afraid of being too much or not enough. Some of us are scared we will not be brilliant or amazing or unique or rich or famous or inspiring or important or seen…or LOVED. We are afraid we will never find someone who will love us, unconditionally and some of us are afraid we will. Some of us are afraid of both. It’s these contradictions that can make life so confusing and scary and difficult to deal with. It’s about holding onto something that gives us an identity. We are afraid that without the Eating Disorder, we are nothing. In some weird way, we think it makes us strong. We believe our Eating Disorder masks our fear, our shame, our vulnerability. The things, we believe, make us weak. It’s about painful feelings and our belief that we are unable to deal with them so we use the Eating Disorder to numb the sadness, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, hopelessness, fear etc. It’s about being an extremely sensitive soul. We feel things deeply and intensely. We are effected by others emotions easily and often take on their pain. Others feelings and problems become ours. We are emotionally reactive, we cry at the drop of a hat, the daily news makes our heart hurt and our mood plummet. We take things personally and over think E V E R Y T H I N G. We feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, like it is our responsibility to save it (the world). It’s about subconsciously internalising the “Western Beauty Ideal” we are faced with day in day out. It’s about being bombarded with advertising that is constantly telling us we are not good enough. It’s about loneliness. Like we don’t fit in or belong anywhere. Like no one understands us. Like we are somehow completely different to the rest of the human population. It doesn’t matter how many friends or family we have around us, this is a loneliness, an emptiness that we believe cannot be filled. It’s about survival. It helped us to survive and cope with some horrific and painful life experiences. It’s about being passive. Many of us, put others first at a huge cost to our own health and happiness. We say yes when we mean no and no when we mean yes. We struggle with being assertive and as a result often get taken advantage of. This only feeds into our unworthiness. It’s about privacy, having something that is ours and only ours. Something no one else can touch. It’s not about weight, but for some of us, it is. However, not in the way you’d think. Some of us want to shrink so that we become invisible. We want to become as small as we feel. We want to hide away. Our shrinking body becomes a metaphor for our shrinking soul. Some of us, want to become bigger so we can hide behind our weight. So that our body fat becomes our protection. So we become “undesirable” to men or women. So we don’t have to face relationships or intimacy or our sexuality. Things that terrify us. Our bodies reflect how we feel about ourselves on the INSIDE. What drains our spirit, drains our body. It’s about being in so much emotional pain that you can’t even begin to allow yourself to feel it or acknowledge it, the pain the eating disorder brings seems like a blessing in comparison. We use the Eating Disorder to avoid and distract ourselves from all the things that are really going on, inside. More often than not, it’s an accumulation of any number of these thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences and there is bound to be plenty of other influencing factors that I haven’t listed. Everyone is different.This is just a list of some of the more common causes that I know of from experience living with my own Eating Disorder and being close to many others who have Eating disorders, it is by NO means the ‘absolute’ list.

Please also know that insight into these reasons takes time in therapy and a lot of self reflection and personal development…a sufferer doesn’t make a conscious decision to develop an Eating Disorder so they can avoid feeling emotional pain, for example. This is all going on subconsciously. The Eating Disorder masks all of this and convinces us that our only problem is that we are fat. So if someone you care about is struggling with an Eating Disorder, instead of telling them to “just eat”, ask them what they believe is behind their Eating Disorder and don’t take “I’m just fat” as a valid answer…because that is NEVER the answer. No matter how strongly they feel that in the moment, it almost always goes much deeper than that.

Help us stop the silence. Let’s start talking about this on a deeper, less superficial level. One of the most important steps towards recovery involves allowing us to explore and express our own personal stories. We need to understand why we have developed an Eating Disorder and how it serves us before we have any hope of true recovery.

[breakingfree79]

Do you remember this guy? He’s Tomy! We finally found a home for him! In Germany! He is travelling tomorrow and I’m a bit nervous, but also happy about the fact that a wonderful family is waiting for him there.

It hasn’t been possible for Tomy to be adopted here in Spain, as there are too many homeless cats and not enough people determined to share their lives with one these cuties.

I’m going to miss him, but I’m glad I could enjoy him for six months.

[breakingfree79]

Hi! I'm just sending good wishes your way. It's never too late for recovery. Remember it's a journey and at any time you can be further along than before and that's progress. I hope you can ease off on the exercise a little and give your body a chance to heal. Love, Faith x

Thank you so, so much for your words! I’ve been battling this illness for about 17 years and for some periods I’ve been way better than now, so I know it’s possible to get there again. Sometimes I think all the damage is already irreparable and recovery seems pointless... But I never lose hope. I’m trying my best to keep going.

Congratulations on your progress and continuous effort. 

Lots of love your way!