borderline-babble

[borderline-babble]

Long time no see!

I've returned to this blog once again to vent about my mental health downward spiral and ny attempts at getting it back on track.

I've nearly got 2 years clean from heroin and other hard substances :)

My abusive ex is finally out of my life :)

Im moving to a new state next year :)

Im training to be a dog groomer and I'm happy at my job :)

I got diagnosed with ASD :) (relived to finally figure my brain out a little bit more)

Unfortunately, my anxiety is atrocious, I've had the same nightmare every night for years, my GERDS is really acting up, I think I've relapsed back into bulimia, (I'm nearly at my heaviest weight again from all of the meds I'm on and my thyroid issues) I have zero desire to work out when im not feeling well and exhausted from work, my OCD is the worst it's ever been and I can't fight my compulsions, my very first love is back in my life except with a wife and baby, and I finished a 3rd round of accutane and once again it didn't work.

I've been feeling heavily agitated. I'm always angry. I want to be mean and nasty to everyone, but that's not cool. I do my best to redirect my anger bc im not really angry at them.

I hope I can find a solution soon. Recovery isn't linear, but I don't plan on letting go.

[borderline-babble]

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Life has finally been kind to me. I'm 11 months clean. But now, I can feel it all coming back. One of my good friends died. I loved him. He was only 23; he died 5 days before his birthday. My grandma is in a nursing home now. She cannot do anything for herself. She has to wear diapers and shit herself bc she can't walk nor is she allowed to without a physical therapist. My parents are using me like their therapist and dumping all of their feelings and issues with each other on me. I want to use so badly. I'd do anything to feel that numb again. But, I'm about to graduate with my Bachelors next month and I cant blow it. I won't be able to be a publicists if I'm on heroin or worse, dead. Im doing my best to push through these feelings. One day at a time.

[borderline-babble]

I havent posted here in a long time. And I guess that's a good thing. On December 8th, I will have 7 months clean. I got away from my abusive ex when I went to rehab in May and I've finally stabilized my emotions. There is no chaos. There is no screaming. And there is no heroin killing me. I've been rebuilding my life and I finally graduate with my BA in May. Around the same time I will have a year clean :)

Hang in there everyone. It really does get better. The dark doesn't last forever.

[borderline-babble]

I got out of rehab a week ago and I'm trying SO HARD to stay clean. I want to pick up soooo badly. I know that once I start I won't be able to stop and then a whole month in rehab was for nothing. FUCK.

[borderline-babble]

[borderline-babble]

[borderline-babble]

I have not posted anything in a while but I'd like to update you guys.

I really hit rock bottom. I was using heroin everyday for over half a year. My anxiety, depression, and mood swings were out of control. I felt like the only way out was death. I was absolutely exhausted. I wasn't getting any sleep and when I did I was having nightmares. I couldn't take it anymore and begged my therapist for help.

I began a partial inpatient program. I started taking suboxone to help me detox and it is really helping. My cravings are bearable, I can finally sleep, my mood isn't 100% stable but it is definitely not as bad as it was, and the emotional roller coaster has slowed. My anxiety is still a little bit of an issue but I'm going to be starting medication. I attend group therapy twice a week, I get individual therapy twice a week, I see a psychiatrist every month, and I was given a health care doctor to help me start taking care of myself. I am finally on the road to getting better and I am very ready for it.

I am going to be graduating with my bachelors this spring and I've been able to start working for 2 days a week. It's not much but it is truly better than not being able to work at all. My parents are being 100% supportive and doing everything they can to help me in my recovery. The last thing I must do is break up with my abusive bf.

[borderline-babble]

Im so sick of there being nothing to do. I cant take watching TV anymore. It's making me so much worse like I want to go to the psychward just so im somewhere other than my bed or this fucking apartment like I cannot take it anymore

[borderline-babble]

I really can't take it anymore. My boyfriend never buys me food or allows me to eat the food at his apartment bc I dont deserve it bc I didn't pay for it. He continuously gets himself food and never for me. Even when his mom picks up food for him she gets me nothing. My parents spent $10k filling our fridge for over a year and whenever they picked me up fast food they got him some. Like why am I with a person who thinks I dont deserve to eat? Like I cant take him and his shitty fucking family anymore.

[borderline-babble]

I literally just wanna die like every day is the fucking same and I cant take it anymore.

[borderline-babble]

I always seem to end up here. No matter where I am, who I have, what’s going on in my life or how old I am - I always end up in this dark place, feeling like the last person in the world; utterly alone, exhausted and hopeless.

[borderline-babble]

My mom has been sick and that makes her so cranky and cold. I told her I applied for graduation and she didn't even care. Im spending the night at my bf's and I told her so she didn't worry and she's like "whatever." I spend 5 days a week at home. I hate when she acts all passive aggressive it's not fair.

It really hurt my feelings that she couldn't even pretend to be excited for me applying for graduation. It means so much to me bc I struggled so hard for so long and I never thought I'd get my degree but I guess her hate for my bf is stronger than any feelings of pride or excitement for me.

[borderline-babble]

My bf is playing the guitar through an amp and he made it make this sound that was giving me a panic attack and I asked him to stop bc it was upsetting me bc it was like sensory overload and hurting my head and in front of his friend he literally told me "too bad I wanna play go sit outside."

After I went outside his friend told him that was mad fucked up and my bf said "oh well ive been playing all day."

[borderline-babble]

I havent used in 2 days and im getting sick af and I hate it. It feels so awful. Im afraid I'll never be clean bc being sick sucks so much. I know that I have to just push through it but well, we all know how addiction is. Truly a monkey on your back.

[borderline-babble]

I only hold any worth or value to my bf if I have a job and money to give him. I am too mentally unwell to work. And I am not able to handle school and work at the same time. But he literally doesn't give a fuck.

[borderline-babble]

My bf turned me into a drug addict and then gets mad at me when I act like one. I had more left over and he did all of his and he got nasty bc he was jealous and then made me fucking waste what I had left. He's acting like a fucking drug addict too. He made me this way and now he hates me.

[borderline-babble]

My parents are tracking me again and it drives me crazy. They would do it all the time and give me crazy anxiety. Now I have to be anxious they're gonna question me 100 different ways when I get home.