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Next con!

Had a small wind fall and time opened up, so traveling to Kikori Con this weekend and already have the hotel booked! This will be a much needed vacation, not cosplaying this time but will go in my kimono I had on at Matsuri a couple weeks back. Im so excited, even though its a small con, I grew up going to Flagstaff often and have a lot of fun memories in that town, so I plan on not attending every day Im there but checking out to go walk around.

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Changes

Something I eventually wanted to write about is how I feel an intense sense of isolation due to how compartmentalized my life is. Actually, thats not a good word, fractured is probably better. Everything I am doing this year is slowly trying to integrate aspects of my life together in order to be able to be more open and happier. Over the last handful of years I’ve grown more distant from people due to trust issues stemming from betrayals and misunderstanding fundamentally who I am as a person. I feel I only show small portions of myself to certain people, and I don’t have any overlap in what is shared with people who know other things about me. I can’t be 100% me around 100% of the people in my life. But I can atleast be 100% myself with 80% of the people in my life. Unfortunately, work and family won’t be in that group for common reasons most would understand. However, I am fostering new friendships and as I rebuild my life here is me going forward: While I am bisexual and non-binary, I am also extremely disinterested in sex. This came from me almost being a father and a miscarriage ended my engagement. That came off a 2 year hiatus of my previous relationship ending on terrible conditions as well, and the attempts I have made since breaking off the engagement have been bad as well. So I am off the market. This I feel needs to be stated openly because as I form new friendships, I feel its unspoken that “a guy wanting to hang out with some woman” is being taken the wrong way; I am a creative type and so tend to seek out friendships with other creatives. Thats it, simple as that. I had a lot of traumas in my past, sexual, injuries, and otherwise. I’ve worked through most of them but not all. But I find opening up about it has helped me the most. If that makes people uncomfortable I am sorry, say so. I am untrusting of counselors but find some happiness in being able to have an ear to speak to. Some of these traumas go back 10+ years, and I’ve never spoken about them until recently.  My hobbies? I like to experience new things, be it food, cultures, traveling, religions, movies, doesn’t matter. I made a pact with myself when I was 20 that I’d never turn down an adventure no matter how small. Because of that, I have a ton of stories and its opened myself up to a lot of concepts. Im really good for road trips and parties, or just killing an afternoon with stimulating conversation. What do I do in my personal time? I love charity work, crafting, animals, and going hiking or to the park to be in nature. I am the kind of person who is terrible at names but will somehow remember your pets name before I remember yours. Animals love me, Ive never been attacked by a dog for example no matter the breed and despite being allergic to cats they love me too. Snakes unnerve me but I still play with them, love reptiles though! And I’ve always wanted a spare room full of canaries and fish tanks. Politically I am as liberal as they come. And I not like the trendy hot button kind of liberal, there are many views that the Democrats push that aren’t liberal ideals. I am farther left of Democrats, I am a registered Green. Though that still doesn’t give a fair idea of my beliefs, if you ever want a political discussion and meet me in person, if you can keep it civil you can ask me whatever.

This is a long post, but it doesn’t cover half of the stuff I just don’t talk about with the majority of people. Previously I used to maybe discuss one thing listed with a group and thats it. Now for my own happiness I am going to be integrating more in with everyone. The ones who don’t like it will drop off naturally, the ones who see a more complete version of me and are okay are welcome to stay. But I can’t keep presenting only a fraction of myself to people.

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Tomorrow’s the big day!

I have an appointment for my HRT stuff tomorrow with my doctor. I know I am likely going to have to get cleared by a therapist for the prescription, but the stuff I’ve been using for the past 10 days just isnt strong enough. I notice a difference, but its a mild effect so I want the good stuff along with testosterone blockers. At the very least, what Im on now is probably going to make the initial adjustment period easier. I still find that I have better focus, but I am prone to falling asleep randomly if I get too comfortable. Naps have become my best friend.

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Kimono is finished! Up close of the patterned fabric I used with the waist sash being simple blue

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My states local anime meetup group is toxic as hell. They are stand offish, false, and flat out the kind of people who turn your nose up at you. It feels like a high school club all over again, and god knows I’ve left enough of those since graduating ACTUAL high school.

So I left. I never said or did anything. I didn’t kick over trash cans and go out with a bang. I quietly left in the dead of night, and I am not coming back to it because there was nothing there. Like, at all. Its a vapid and useless endeavor that is no longer a distraction and I feel liberated for doing so. Since I know these people, and met a large portion of them, only a few stand out as genuine people. The rest look at you judgmentally. I don’t need that. If you live in Arizona, don’t join Anime Arizona.

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Made my first Kimono for the Japanese Festival in 2.5 weeks! Super comfy!

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Came out to a friend that I am on hormones now. We've been best friends our whole lives. He immediately pointed something out that I am messing up my language now.

 I had a fluid build up in my inner ears that caused me to be deaf and was born tongue tied, so for the first few years I was deaf and couldn't speak. I went to speech therapy for most of my childhood after I had corrective surgeries, but at that point I was already too far along. I don't think in words, never have. I don't have a first language, English is my second, Swedish my third, Spanish my fourth. 

When I speak I speak in very specific terms because I am translating my thoughts and feelings to language, not just reading an internal script as other people describe it. Before hormones if I was speaking another language it was really hard for me to switch to another. Now its hard to keep up with just one. This is an oddly unique side effect of HRT I didn’t read about.

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DAB

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Day 3 of HRT, and I am not experiencing still any of the hot flashes or negative side effects I had day 1. I think the issue was that I got the hormones in the morning, so took my dosage, then took some at midnight before bed and that was too close together so I OD’d a little on estrogen. But Day 2 and 3 are going great. I find myself looking forward to taking it daily at 7pm after dinner because it leaves me in a nice mood before bed. And over all I have been feeling a little calmer lately. EDIT: I am currently using weak over the counter hormones, but I have an appointment set to get them good stuff prescribed to me next week! Yay having insurance!

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Upcoming Cosplays and HRT Talk

With Mr. Gold done, I started work on Mega Pearl. But that one will be a slow process. Not because its complicated, but that I have two outfits to make before then so I can take my time. A kimono and a kilt. I will also be working on Sailor Uranus, for Phoenix Fan Fusion, Saboten, and the new Sailor Moon movie coming out this fall. Yeah I will be going in costume. By then I may look the part more because of hormone therapy, which I will be ending at breast development but want those lady legs first. Outside of want a bit of feminization, I am hoping my muscle mass shifting to my legs will strengthen my damaged leg from last year. If I am lucky, the increase in lower body and bone density will let me run again. 

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Still working on the Kimono, then I will make the Kilt.

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Day 1 of estrogen. I will be doing this all month to see if there is any change to me at all. Mood, sleep, higher sensitivity in places, change in body weight, etc.

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A happier blog post

Not everything is doom and gloom on this blog! Am I depressed still? Yes. Am I going to seek counseling to deal with my trauma and try to work past them. After I made my last post I couldn’t sleep because through opening up to more people I’ve started to think critically about how its affected me. Its played a factor in everyone I’ve been with since then. From my self confidence issues to letting people have their way and I letting it happened. I am going to seek help for that. I have friends who I can talk to in the mean time, and last couple days I’ve been focusing on arts and crafts for cosplays or gifts for friends. Its kept me distracted. Im really excited for Matsuri in 3 weeks and will be going both days. I have a potential job lined up, and so small things to look forward to. With my tax return I am going to book a hotel and buy my Phoenix Fan Fusion ticket, which will be my big gift to myself for my birthday.

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Focusing my energies on this now that I finished my Mr Gold costume.

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I have a friend I can talk to this weekend who is a fountain of positivity. She's awesome, if I could be half as strong as her that would be life changing. I'm not the type of person who breaks down a lot, and tries not to be demanding of their friends. But in thinking about all the stuff that happened in the last 2 years alone I need to tell someone.

I went out into the world thinking I to was an adventurer, I had a wonderlust for new places, people, and ideas. What they don't tell you is thats a life style that will get you hurt. Not could get you hurt, will. Ive been beaten, robbed and more. Ive lost everything and everyone. Sure I have stories for days, I am a great drinking partner. But why am I drinking? It's the stories I dont bring up, thats why.

Its not a fun life style. Seriously, go to church and work. Pet the dog, read a book, spend time with your friends and family. Because tomorrow they might be gone. And stay in groups and never go alone.

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In a bad place

Literally and mentally. I have no one to speak with, at home or otherwise and feel like a drain on the few friends I’ve made since moving back to Arizona. Tomorrow my dog and I are hopping on a train with no destination. Knowing my tendancies, I will probably find the closest bar to campus in Tempe and swindle drinks in games of pool or swapping stories. I had a good teacher, my drill sergeant taught me a lot of the ropes when I stayed on base during holiday and got to get smuggled into the NCO club. Depression is a bitch, Im fairly asexual right now but I am starting to think that might be a underlying issue. I just need people to speak to, and outlets that are more frequent that the random convention, this isn’t post con depression, its a demon I’ve been fighting for a long time. Not to sound like Sayori, but if you ever see me smile, Im almost always faking it. My leg hurts, my eye has been infected for about 3 weeks. Ive been perpetually sick for 2 months. I have advance cirrhosis, and my dog probably won’t live another year. My world is collapsing, and I am falling apart with it.