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bldhrry · 6 days ago

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The Brute and The Scholar

Chapter Nine | Midnight Rain Cassian x Fem!Reader Previous Chapter | Next Chapter (TBA) Series Masterlist | General Masterlist

word count: 5.5k

warnings: smut (18+, minors dni), cursing

author's note: lmk what you think besties! so excited for the bs i'm gonna put these two through

You squeezed Cassian’s hand as you leaned into him, sighing into the kiss. It was much different this time. It was tender and slow and his lips felt so right against yours.

Cassian removed his hand from yours to cup your face, imprinting your cheek with the spirit’s bright matter and his touch ignited something within you. It was primal and consumed you entirely. It sparked something deep inside you and the fire you felt the night you had first kissed him was reignited. But instead of feeling it on your skin, it burned you from the inside. It started in the pit of your stomach and traveled through your veins until it engulfed you entirely making your skin glow with its warmth.

You snaked your hand up from the exposed skin of his chest to his neck and tangled your fingers in his hair leaving a trail of gold and giving him golden highlights in his hair. Cassian sighed into your mouth at the contact and he felt goosebumps rise as your hand slowly made its way up to his hair. The weight of your fingers at the back of his head was exhilarating. He didn’t need to hear your moans to know you wanted this. Your physical touch was enough because it was clear you were keeping him as close to you as possible.

The kiss didn’t break as he walked you backwards until your back hit the railing and he gripped your waist and jerked you towards him, pressing you into him even more if it was even possible given that you two were nearly enmeshed into each other’s bodies.

He kissed you harder now, seeking entrance into your mouth and you eagerly obliged as you parted your lips and felt his tongue slide inside. Your tongues danced together in a familiar rhythm and you moaned, the sound guttural and low. You were growing needy and you pushed his head down so you could feel him more and Cassian wrapped his arm around your waist. He had no intention of letting you go.

You broke away, catching your breath. You were panting and you could feel your chest heaving up and down and a thrilling sense of desire spread in your chest. You couldn’t breathe; this was so much and yet you couldn’t get enough. You needed to feel his lips again so you could memorize the way they moved and tasted.

Cassian brushed his nose with yours and you tilted your face and your lips brushed against each other. He gripped the back of your neck and craned his neck down and started kissing your cheek and then your neck until he found the spot that made you cry out the other day. This time you moaned and the sound was loud and full and you whined as he nipped and sucked at it slightly eliciting more noises of pleasure as your head rolled back and you started breathing heavier than before.

Almost as if on instinct, you trailed your leg up the back of his, wrapping your leg around his until you reached his waist and settled yourself there. Your dress had a split down the side that Cassian hadn’t noticed before and now it parted on each side of your thigh, exposing the skin to the night air. Goosebumps illuminated in the moonlight and he traced his tongue down your neck and he watched as you squeezed his side with your leg in approval.

You cursed when Cassian removed his arm from your waist and grabbed the side of your thigh, helping to keep it suspended. He palmed your skin slightly, feeling its smooth skin press into his palm and fingertips. He felt you buck your hips and he welcomed the friction it brought and he heard you gasp at the contact. He was straining against the front of his pants and it threatened to rip at the seams. It was otherworldly what you did to him and without meaning to and the reactions you elicited from him. He’d never been so quick to be aroused and the evidence of it was embarrassing. Cassian wanted to be more composed but he simply couldn’t help it; sometimes the twinkle in your eye made him stiffen and shift in his seat. It was preposterous.

His hand was firm as he moved up your thigh and grabbed your hips tightly and you whined, extending your leg forward to bring him in and with how close he was you were able to wrap your leg around his waist essentially trapping him against you.

He kissed you again and played with the hem of your underwear with the tips of his fingers. The top was lace and he bit your lip at the realization letting out a groan and you grinned and rolled your hips against him. The movement made his hand shift until it was gripping your backside and he squeezed it, making you gasp and he took the opportunity of your parted lips to kiss you hard, much harder than before but you didn’t shy away from it instead you matched the way his mouth worked feverishly against yours. Cupping his face you pulled him in closer and you couldn’t stop the moans from rising in your throat.

The way he touched you was unlike anything you’d experienced before and it was intoxicating. He was intoxicating, filling your senses and taking root in your bones making it their home and you welcomed it, encouraged it even.

You started to quiver beneath his embrace as he moved his hand to the inside of your thigh and trailed one finger side to side in the space between your thigh and pelvis. Your eyes shot open at the sensation and you broke the kiss but you didn’t pull away, rather the only movement you made was shifting your leg so he had more access to the area.

Cassian’s eyes opened slowly and his pupils were blown, overtaken the mixture of green, brown, and gold that made up his irises and you shuddered and let out a heavy breath. He looked almost crazed but calm and secure at the same time. He never stopped the back and forth motion of his finger and you nearly fell to your knees when he just barely placed his finger beneath your underwear.

Your body felt electrified at the feeling and the endless possibilities. The heat between your thighs was excruciating at this point and you needed a release.

“Yes,” you cried softly.

Cassian didn’t need to be told twice.

You were so warm and so wet and Cassian gritted his teeth as he groaned.

You’d wrapped your arms around his neck and buried your face into his shoulder, muffling the proof of the pleasure he was providing.

Cassian’s finger was slow and methodical as he made circles on your circle. You grinded against his hand trying to get more contact and urging him to go faster but he didn’t. He kept the pace agonizingly slow but it was so good that you couldn’t complain or demand for more.

Cassian relished in the way you felt beneath him, inside and out, and the noises you made against him. Quiet enough that nobody but him could hear but loud enough that reassured him he was doing it right. Your arousal was growing, coating his fingers and the fabric of your underwear and he panted into your ear, clutching the back of your neck.

“Y/N.” He breathed into your ear and the sound came out strangled and weak. His own arousal was killing him and he knew he’d already spilled a small amount into his boxers.

You fisted his hair in your heads and squeezed your eyes shut. Your breathing was growing more ragged and you could feel your climax approaching. It felt like a wave, growing bigger and bigger and it was so close to crashing into you and knocking you off your feet.

Sliding his finger down he teased your entrance and you grounded out a ‘yes’ and he slid his finger inside.

You were tight and warm and it was absolutely exquisite. Your braid came loose as he threaded his fingers into the hair at the nape of your neck. He pulled your neck back so you could look at him and you opened your eyes and almost immediately closed them again.

Looking at him only increased your pleasure. He was gorgeous. His hair was falling into his face and the moon had moved behind him, casting its light and it made him look like he was from another planet, so ethereal and frankly unreal. You could not believe he was in front of you, kissing and touching you in places you never thought someone, especially him, would be doing. But he was and he was in need of you as much as you were in need of him and this you knew from his heavy, audible breathing and the hardness in his pants pressing against your naval.

You couldn’t look away. He had captivated you with whatever spell he had conjured and you fell into it deeper and deeper with every second that passed, with every pump of his finger and your breathing increased, growing higher in pitch with each movement of his hand and surprisingly his gaze. It was intense and encouragement flashed through them as he increased his speed and when your head fell backwards and your eyes rolled into the back of your head he grinned.

“You are so fucking beautiful.” He whispered in your ear, letting his lips graze it and you let out a pitiful whine.

“Cass,” you cried and your mouth fell open.

A breeze passed around you and the scent of your arousal wafted towards him and he groaned and pressed an open kiss on your neck and you cursed, your hips jerking to the side.

Close, you were so close and Cassian knew it by the way your moans kept falling from your lips in a never ending cascade and the way you tightened around him. He loved it all and treasured every moment. You kept calling out his name and it was the best sound he had ever heard. You were reminding him with every utterance of his name that he was the one doing this and that he was the one you were allowing to bring you to the edge and over it. You were his in this moment and he showed his appreciation by curling his finger and hitting a spot that made you gasp and grab onto him like your life depended on it.

You were shaking, your legs even more so as you fisted his hair in your hand again and raised yourself on your toes and pressed your face into his neck.

The air around you seemed to vibrate and you heard nothing but a buzzing in your ear and Cassian’s lips on your neck. Cassian couldn’t hear anything but your moans and drawn out curses. He could feel the vibration in the air too and the way it passed through and around him, encircling you both and keeping you in a shared bubble meant only for you, created only for you. It was keeping you together and Cassian could’ve sworn that a thought was given to him that it was doing this to keep you together forever.

Neither of you heard the approaching footsteps or voices until Rhysand and Azriel rounded the corner leading to the balcony.

“Hey Cass-” Rhysand stopped suddenly and Azriel bumped into him.

“Oh my gods!” You screamed and pulled away from Cassian and bumped into the railing, covering your face.

Cassian immediately spread his wings to cover you and turned his head to look at his brothers.

His eyes were dark and threatening and he bared his teeth slightly, ready to snarl and protect what was his. Possession surged through him and the two males in the doorway took a step back.

Rhysand recognized the look. He’d seen it in the mirror, on his own face, plenty of times. He knew what this was. So he raised his hands slightly and shook his head.

I didn’t see a thing. He passed the thought to Cassian and Cassian gave him a curt nod and glanced at Azriel who gave him a nod and the two left just as quickly as they’d come.

You were horrified. There was no other word to describe the embarrassment and fear that replaced your arousal.

You readjusted your dress and slid away from Cassian, tears started to fall down your cheeks smearing the glow that Cassian had left.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out. “I’m sorry. This was a mistake.” You shook your head, covering your mouth and shaking your head. This was a mistake; this was one of the biggest mistakes you’d ever made.

Cassian turned to you, shock spread across his features. “What?”

“This was wrong. We shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” You turned to leave and Cassian grabbed your wrist and you whirled around to face.

“You cannot keep denying me Y/N.” He hissed. “You know what this is. You admitted it.”

You had, just the night before. But that didn’t matter anymore, especially now that you had defiled yourself publicly. You were utterly ashamed of yourself and you looked at Cassian with wide eyes that express exactly that.

“This is a mistake. We can’t do this again.” You turned to leave but his grip only tightened and you gave him a pleading look.

“I love you. I am in love with you. Y/N please.” His voice cracked as he pleaded with you to stay.

Terror washed over you and you looked at him in disbelief.

“No,” you cried. “Don’t do this to me.”

Impossible. It was impossible for you to be loved, not by him or anyone for that matter. This could not be. You didn’t want it and you willed away the glow that erupted in your chest at his proclamation. You pushed aside the feelings of reciprocation and the way that every instinct within you urged you to accept it.

You shook your head again and wiped your face and taking a steady breath you stood straighter and looked him in the eyes. You balled your hands into fists, the spirit being squished at the movement and it started to drip onto the floor, a metaphorical representation of your refusal. You were letting it go, letting his claim on you go, and letting something that fate had decided slip through your fingers no matter how much you wanted to hold on to it and keep it close.

“I’m so sorry, Cassian.” You bit your lip to suppress another cry and Cassian’s face fell even more and he clutched his chest and he took a step towards you, his mouth opening to say something but you took a step back and shook your head slightly as you turned away from him.

“I can’t.” You whispered.

Cassian followed you with a determined stride. He refused to let you do this to him and most importantly to yourself. You were denying yourself the pleasure of being loved because of some sick notion you had tricked yourself into believing. He didn’t know why you were doing this. He knew you felt the same and whether it was love or not he didn’t care because it didn’t matter because you felt something and that was enough for him to fight for you.

He had already accepted it and he could feel it thudding in his chest, giving him life. He was alive before, sure, but this was a new sensation, one that had transformed him to be perfectly made for you.

“Y/N!” He bellowed behind you but you kept walking, your pace fast and brisk.

You could feel him. You could feel the way he was hurting and how angry he was and the emotions swirled around in your gut, making you dizzy and nauseous. You could see his thoughts too and you gritted your teeth as you headed towards the West wing of the house where the bedrooms were at. They were swarming you and cutting you like knives, embedding themselves in your body reminding you of the gravity of the situation.

She can’t do this to me, it whispered. I love her, it persisted.

You shoved it out of your mind with so much force that you stumbled slightly and Cassian gained on you quickly but you recovered and steered yourself towards Nesta’s bedroom.

“Y/N.” He growled and it sounded and felt like a warning, like a threat but you paid him no mind as you waved your hand behind you, dismissing him.

Leave me alone, please. You begged it but it didn’t move. It hounded you like a starved beast.

You flung open the door and immediately went to close it but Cassian stopped it with his foot and shoved his way in and you foundered backwards.

“Get out.” You demanded but Cassian just shook his head.

“Do not do this.” It was his turn to make a demand.

“You,” you took a step towards him and pointed at him. Your throat was thick and felt like it was closing. You felt so trapped and weirdly enough so alone. “You don’t get to do this to me. You do not get to-”

“Love you?” He let out a dry laugh and ran his fingers through his hair. “You are ridiculous. You know it’s there because I can fucking feel it, Y/N. I can feel you, I always have!” His voice grew louder and he threw his hands in the air. “You mean to tell me that you don’t? That all this time we’ve been playing cat and mouse you never felt me too?”

You had and you still did, now even more. Wherever he was you knew about it and you followed that knowledge to find him. It was a sacred feeling that you held onto because it let you know he was near and safe. You were drawn to him from the beginning even through the apprehension and fear. You caved to his requests and his presence even when you shouldn’t have. You should not have let him be so close because it made you look like a fool, so pathetic to the charisma he possessed.

“Stop it.” You begged. “Please stop it. I cannot do this. I-” Your voice failed you and you looked to the ceiling, hoping the Mother could help you. “I can’t do this. You have to leave. I shouldn’t have done it and I’m sorry. I made a mistake and I’m sorry for hurting you and doing this. I shouldn’t have. Please, Cassian, I am so sorry.” You were full on crying now, tears blurring your vision and yet you could see him so clearly.

“It is not a mistake. This was not a mistake, it never was.” He grounded out the words and you whimpered. “I love you!” He took a step towards you and you braced yourself, placing a hand at the base of your throat.

“You need to stop Cassian.” You warned but he kept moving towards you.

His eyes were so soft and inviting, welcoming you to join him and be with him and to let him be yours. And gods you wanted him more than anything you’d wanted in your life and it was amazing that this level of need existed. He was everything to you but you were not worthy of the unconditional love he was offering you or the life that fate was trying to promise you.

“I can’t do this. You know I can’t. I don’t want this.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.” He reached out to grab you and you screamed.

“Stop! Please,” you sobbed. “I don’t want it. I don’t want you. I can’t have you.”

Cassian didn’t even register the obvious deceit you were forcing on to him. He could feel your confliction and he could see it in the way that you braced yourself on the bed but yet leaned towards him.

“You can have me,” he said softly. “I want you to have me. I want you. I love you.”

“Stop saying that!” You covered your ears and shut your eyes tightly. “Stop saying it. I don’t want it!”

I can't have it, I can’t have it, I can't have it. You repeated the mantra in your head.

“What’s going on?” Nesta appeared in the doorway. She had come for a shawl when she heard yelling.

You opened your eyes and Cassian turned around and Nesta’s eyes flickered between you both and her nostrils flared. But despite it she noted the tears that adorned your face and the trembling of your body. She noted Cassian’s defensive stance and the fierce look in his eyes. But she didn’t back down. She raised her head and gracefully entered the room, her stare matching his own intense one.

“Get out, Cassian,” she said simply, her voice cool, and a muscle in Cassian’s jaw twitched. The feeling of possession flooded him again. “I said,” she approached him and lifted her head higher. He saw the silver that was overtaking the blue and the flames that flickered within. “Get out.”

Cassian swayed, debating whether he was willing to challenge her authority but you whimpered beside him and a silent sob rocked through you. He inched his hand towards you in an invitation but you leaned away from him.

Please don’t, you implored and you ached at the devastation that embellished his face and at the way it wafted towards you, settling in your gut.

Without a word Cassian left the room, leaving his mate behind.

Nesta didn’t ask any questions and you didn’t provide any answers. She silently moved through the room grabbing you night clothes.

You hadn’t moved from the foot of the bed. Your body felt heavy and you felt sick. You were reeling from it all, from the emotions that filled your body to the realization that Cassian’s affections were real. You were not equipped to handle so much at once, especially something of this magnitude. You were made for a simple life that was occupied by your studies and work, not occupied by a soul crushing devotion that was destined to exist for your entire life.

Nesta urged you to bathe and attempt to relax and you gave her a look of appreciation.

“Thank you. I’m sorry.” You were embarrassed of being so emotional and causing a scene but she gave you a soft and warm smile.

“It’ll be okay.”

Your face faltered and your bottom lip quivered but you just nodded and slipped into the bathroom. You stepped into the tub and slid down until the water reached your neck and you sighed as the warmth enveloped your body.

Closing your eyes was a mistake because you saw Cassian’s lustful gaze that quickly morphed into the look he had given you before he left. It hurt beyond words and you knew that separation from a mate was disastrous but you had no choice. You would have to endure the rejection for everybody’s sake. He wouldn’t want you anyway after he learned of what you’d done. So, to avoid the inevitable you left first. It would save him the heartbreak later anyway. You would both suffer for now but soon it would pass and you’d move on. He would find someone worthy of his time and loyalty and he would be happy and forget about you, this you were sure of.

Nesta left you to your devices and returned to the party and when she was asked where you were she stated that you felt sick and were laying down. Cassian didn’t return and the rest of the group snickered, assuming you two were together doing gods know what so the bets were set and once they got confirmation, the winner would be paid out.

Nesta hung back from the group, observing the remnants of Starfall when Rhysand approached and stood beside her, hands in his pockets.

“How is she?” He didn’t look at her and kept his gaze trained at the sky.

“Who?” She asked, feigning ignorance.

“I know, Nesta.” He clicked his tongue. “Azriel and I, uh-” He rubbed the back of his neck and his cheeks flushed with heat. “We walked in on them.”

“Hm,” was all she responded with. After a few moments of silence she crossed her arms and leaned forward onto the railing. “She’s rejected him.”

Rhysand jumped at the news and turned to her, his eyes wide. “Are you sure?”

“They argued about it and she told him to leave.” Her expression was unreadable, but inside she was simmering with rage at the way you were so hurt and at Cassian’s persistence.

“Fucking hell,” he sighed.

He had not anticipated that in the slightest and assumed the couple would rejoice. It had been months of the back and forth and it was evident that their feelings were growing for each other. He hadn’t suspected the mating bond. Sure Cassian was obsessed with you but he was a romantic so Rhysand wouldn’t put it past Cassian to be so head over heels for you. But this was next level; this was the Mother, the Cauldron, hell it was even fate.

“You should check on him.” Nesta said after a few minutes. “He tried talking her into it but she wasn't having it. I think she’s in shock but she seemed adamant. He was,” Nesta breathed in deeply, “agitated to say the least. Desperate even; it was kind of gross.”

Rhysand rolled his eyes. “The mating bond is something else.” It makes you irrational. It’s like a switch and you’re a completely different person. If she truly rejected the bond, then he is legitimately suffering.”

Nesta didn’t respond. She knew he was right but the terror on your face was something she’d never seen before and she didn’t think convincing you to accept it would fix how you truly felt about it.

When Starfall and the party ended you were already asleep, so Nesta silently got ready for bed and slid in beside you. You were tucked into yourself and by the way your face was still puffy and you were breathing through your mouth it was clear you had cried more since she had left. Nesta scooted behind you and wrapped her arms around you in an embrace.

Cassian was suffering. Rage and grief consumed his body and mind and all he could think about was the way you had screamed when you announced that you did not want the bond, but what struck him the most was your insistence that you could not have it. He couldn’t make sense of that and why you felt that way. You could’ve just outright rejected him but instead you seemed to be rejecting yourself.

He was nursing his fifth glass of liquor when Azriel and Rhysand appeared in the living room. Cassian didn’t have it in him to be too far from you so he was just down at the end of the hall, periodically checking to see if Nesta’s door would open and you would emerge. But you never did and you had closed yourself off so he couldn’t feel anything on the other side of the bond much less make any attempt to reach out.

“We heard,” was all Azriel said when he took his seat on the opposing loveseat and crossed his ankle over his knee.

Rhysand quietly took his own seat on the couch, looking at Cassian intently.

Cassian said nothing while he stared into the flames burning in the fireplace. There was nothing to say. He chugged the rest of his drink and reached for the bottle on the side table and poured himself another glass.

“I think,” Rhysand started. “You should give her some time. I’m sure she’s just overwhelmed. Feyre almost took my head when she found out.” He attempted a chuckle but it came out awkwardly.

Cassian glared at his brother and scoffed quietly. He sucked at his teeth and set his sights back at the fire.

“You can’t force her.” Azriel said after a couple of minutes. He’d pursued Elain and it seemed to only push her away and towards the one person he did not want her to go to. Elain was not his mate but he cared for her, loved her even, and the rejection had shattered him. He knew how Cassian felt and he knew the feelings were amplified because of the bond.

“She’s lying to herself. For no fucking reason.” Scoffing through his nose he took a sip.

“Let her realize that.” Azriel’s tone was patient and he looked at Rhysand for backup and his brother nodded.

“She won’t. She does this shit on purpose.” He flexed his jaw and closed his eyes, fighting back a cry that was sneaking up his throat. “Every single time we move forward she goes and acts like nothing happened.” He looked at Rhysand and Azriel and there were tears in his eyes. “Every single fucking time.” His voice cracked and he ran his tongue along his teeth. “It makes no sense. Kept saying she couldn’t, that she can’t have it. Why not?” With a shaky hand he brought the glass to his lips and took a longer sip than before.

“She needs space to work through it. I’ve seen her with you and it’s obvious it’s there for her too, but you know how she is. Y/N is,” Rhysand waved his hand trying to find the words. “She’s private, non expressive. I’m sure this is her worst nightmare.”

Cassian snorted. “Am I that bad?”

Rhysand sighed. “Cass, you know that’s not what I meant. She’s just different. She won’t process this like everybody else so you need to let her deal with it in her own way.”

“By ignoring it?” Cassian snapped and narrowed his eyes on Rhysand. “We work well together and she knows it. She,” he trailed off and gritted his teeth.

He wanted to say that you wanted him and that he was confident that you did but he realized how arrogant that sounded, He couldn’t claim you as his and demand that it be that way. He had no right to do that but Cassian simply couldn’t fathom not having you and not being with you. He knew you so well. He knew your quirks and triggers, he knew what you liked and didn’t, he knew what made you laugh and what made you wrinkle your nose. He knew everything and yet you surprised him all the time with your smart remarks and plethora of attitudes and moods. He knew every moment that he felt that spark in his chest and every moment he fell more in love with you. He’d mentally documented the times you looked at him like you adored him and how sometimes your hand would graze his like you were contemplating holding on to it. He knew you expected him to keep up your routine so when he’d pretend to not walk you home he’d notice how you lingered at the door and peek at him over your shoulder and your cue for him to give up the facade was to ask if he had plans; he jumped up from his desk with a grin and deny having plans and admit he was waiting to see if you wanted him which made you scowl and muttered that you were just asking to be nice but then he’d note how you walked closer to him than the other times you’d walk to your house together.

And he knew that you knew him too. You knew when to chastise him and when to support him. You knew when he was stressed by the way he wouldn’t stop messing with his hair. When he was anxious he refused to sit and opted to stand or pace. You knew the moments that he needed you near and when you needed to allow him to express his affection. He knew you knew this because he noticed you all the time. And those moments where you expressed yourself in a way that only he understood fueled his hope that you loved him too.

Nobody else spoke for the rest of the time that they sat around the fire. There was nothing that could be said that would reassure him of his future with you, his mate. So they let Cassian simmer and watched as he racked his brain for ways to win you over. You’d confessed and you couldn’t take that back. You’d kissed him twice and you couldn’t take that back. But it was clear you would and were determined to do so. He just wished you wouldn’t.

You hid in Nesta’s room the next day and when the coast was clear Azriel took you home. He gave you an awkward pat on the back and an even awkward smile as he bid you goodbye and when you walked into the house your mother knew something had happened. It was written on your face and the sadness that surrounded you was heavy and palpable.

“What happened?” She approached you with her arms outstretched and you accepted her embrace and began to sob loudly into her shoulder. She rubbed your back and rocked you back and forth.

“He’s my mate,” you cried out, finally admitting it to yourself.

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bldhrry · 7 days ago

Text

The Brute and The Scholar

Chapter Eight | You Are In Love Cassian x Fem!Reader Previous Chapter | Next Chapter Series Masterlist | General Masterlist

word count: 11.6k

warnings: cursing, mention of sex toys

author's note: lmk what you think <3

“It’s here somewhere.” You muttered, fingers tracing the spines of the many books on your bookshelf.

There was no new news from any of the courts, so you and Cassian were going to look through the Night Court’s territory to find the best caves to extract materials for the Summer Court’s effort to rebuild.

It had been weeks since Nyx’s birthday and you and Cassian had avoided each other as much as possible. Today was the first day where it seemed like what had happened was finally past you and it felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

He had seemed down, disappointed even, but you pretended not to notice and went about your business as usual. It was your problem but you categorized it as not and pushed it to the back of your mind. You reserved the memories of him for when you were alone. It was easier that way.

You heard rummaging behind you and you looked and Cassian was going through your drawers and looking at the pictures and lights that you had strung around your room.

“Stop going through my stuff.”

He laughed and looked at you but you had already turned back around to look at your bookshelf.

It was overflowing with books with some standing up straight on the shelves and some on their side and even piled on the floor. Most of them were political and philosophy books and a handful of romance novels which surprised him because he did not think you would be into that at all.

“Scared I’m gonna find something you don’t want me to see? A vibrator perhaps?” He opened another drawer filled with papers and pens and a few random hair clips.

You laughed loudly. He was so ridiculous. But you gave him your own retort. “I prefer dildos, actually.”

Cassian made a noise of surprise that sounded like a choke and you laughed again, feeling his eyes burning into your back. “I’m joking.”

Cassian felt faint and kept quiet for a few minutes, continuing to look around. He was not going to open another drawer. But he did find himself wondering if and how you pleasured yourself. There was a big if because of your personality. You didn’t seem to feel much that you outwardly expressed besides anxiety and fear and the occasional look of want when he had you in his arms. But besides that you were an anomaly.

“Your room is a mess, you know.” He mused, putting his hands in his pockets and walking around.

You made a face to yourself. “Yeah, like yours is any better.”

He snorted. “It’s better than this.”

You turned and shot him a look. “You’re fucking annoying. Shut up and help me look.”

Cassian walked over and peered over your shoulder, scanning the spines of the books and their titles. Really, he wasn’t sure what you were looking for. He knew what you were doing but not what book you needed.

“What am I looking for again?” He asked timidly. And just as he expected you whirled around.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No.”

“The geography of the Night Court’s territory and their natural resources. Did you even pay attention earlier?”

Cassian had not. You were wearing shorts today and he had stared at your legs while you spoke, only seeing your hands move as he looked at you up and down. You were wearing a long sleeve shirt that was oversized so it covered your shorts, so it looked like you had nothing else on and he kept imagining the beach day at the Summer Court when you were wearing his shirt and then his mind kept wandering until he was following you somewhere for some reason.

He had finally moved on from your rejection and complete denial. The only thing keeping him together was the ever lasting hope that you would accept him.

“Not really.” He confessed and you looked at him with wide eyes and an exasperated expression.

“You,” you pinched the bridge of your nose and took a deep breath. “You can be so useless to me sometimes. Did you know that?”

You were more aggravated with Cassian than normal. You hadn’t slept the previous night, you were late to work, and he was more hyper than usual and it all became too much when he stood before you, nonchalant and unhelpful in every sense of the word.

“That is a very hurtful thing to say.” He said matter of factly but his eyes lit up with amusement.

You huffed and squatted and kept looking and eventually found what you were looking for and you turned to tell Cassian you had the book when you saw him peering at the photos you had on your cork board.

“Your friends?” He pointed at the photo and looked at you.

You got up, discarding the book on the floor and padded over. You nodded and put your hands behind you.

“That was the volleyball championship. The last game before we graduated high school.” You had a somber tone to your voice and Cassian looked at you more closely.

He figured it was from your volleyball years from the uniform and the court in the background. You looked happy, incredibly happy at that with a carefree smile so wide your eyes were almost closed and it looked like you were laughing when the photo was taken. Your friends all had their arms around each other, the group curved to form a semicircle of joy.

“Where are they?” He whispered and you sucked in a breath.

“Got married and went to other courts. Got jobs and went to different schools.” You bit your cheek. “They wanted to get out and experience life elsewhere, you know?”

“You didn’t?”

You sniffed. “No.” Your father had died. You couldn't walk after the attack and it took a year before you could take care of yourself without the help of your mother and healers. Where would you have gone?

You turned back to get the book, fighting back tears. You always had felt behind and when they all left, never looking back, you felt alone. You had nobody else; you never made any other friends and you struggled to do so. You were lucky you had your group for the time that you did. But you missed them.

“I found the book by the way.” You said over your shoulder and sat on the floor, folding your legs underneath you.

Cassian nodded absentmindedly, taking one last look at the photo. Where was that female? The one that seemed like she never worried and laughed? You laughed now, but it wasn’t big, it wasn’t like you were genuinely happy. You laughed at the joke because it was funny, but not because it brought you joy.

He turned and sat behind you, sprawling his legs out and placed his head on your shoulder. You rolled your shoulder to shake him off but he just planted his head back on it and wrapped his wing around your other arm.

“Get off.” You grumbled, flipping through the pages.

“I’m looking.”

“You can look from farther away.”

He moved his chin forward to hook on your shoulder and pulled you back so your back was pressing against his chest. “Don’t wanna,” he whispered against your neck and you fought the urge to shudder at his closeness. He smelled so good and he was so warm.

Instead you clicked your tongue and sighed.

“The best deposits of stone are outside Illyria near Ramiel.”

“They close that area off so nobody drops off weapons for the Rite.”

You nodded slowly and traced the raised lines in the book. “Do you think they’ll let us after the Blood Rite?”

You felt Cassian shrug behind you. “Maybe. After is better than before.”

You pulled your knees up and placed the book on your thighs. “If we take some of the camp lords with us and villagers and pay them enough, it should be fine.”

He hummed and pressed into you some more, his nose grazing your neck. He looked down at the map, studying it and thought about all the caves he, Rhysand, and Azriel hid in during their Rite. He was sure that some of these caves that you were referring to he had seen and lived in during that week of absolute hell.

LIke you were reading his mind, you shifted to look at him and tilted your head. “Were you in that area for your Rite?”

He looked down at the map and the caves were indeed by the path to Enalius Pass and he nodded. He trailed his finger up and you followed the movement.

“I started here, met with Rhysand here, and then Azriel here, and then,” he took a deep breath. “We went here. It’s harder, so not a lot of people go there.”

You nodded, looking at the terrain. It was incredibly uneven and Enalius Pass was isolated with drastic drop offs at random places. You could only imagine what it was like to scale the mountain in the snow and night and not know what was up ahead.

Cassian sighed as you flipped through the book, showing him the various stones and quartz that the Court had in different regions. He was getting bored and tired but he maintained his engagement because oddly enough you were excited to talk about rocks.

He pulled you close to him so you were fully leaned back and he could see the book more clearly from its position on your drawn up legs. You were pointing at a black quartz and while he knew you were talking, he didn’t hear a word as he wrapped his arms around your stomach and played with the hem of your shirt.

He brushed his nose up your neck and settled into the spot behind your ear. He really didn’t notice he was doing this. He was too entranced by your presence and scent. He loved how you smelled and lately you didn’t reek of fear, but rather just lavender and coconut. He desperately wanted to know what it was that you used that made you smell this good because it was intoxicating.

He couldn’t get enough of you which he was okay with and actually he was thrilled about it. He wanted to be consumed by everything that was you from your quirky personality, to your various expressions, and simple but direct words.

You stiffened under his tender touches and this he noticed and he smirked and you felt it against your neck.

“You’re being weird, Cassian.” Your words came out strangled and forced.

“Am I?” He let his bottom lip drag up your neck and he circled the spot below your ear with his tongue.

This can’t happen again, you thought. But yet, you heard yourself gasp at the sensation and you rolled your head to the side, giving him more access to you.

Cassian just needed a few minutes. A few minutes until you saw stars and your blood roared in your ears and he could hear your quiet whimpers and moans from the other night. It didn’t need to be anything more than that, just a couple of strokes on your clit and the pumping of his fingers inside of you and he’d feel your climax all over his hands. And he knew if that happened, then he would be bound to you forever because he’d known since the moment he met you, your eyes locking and the power of your essence wrapping around him that nobody else could compare to you.

He pressed an open kiss on your neck and you let out a quiet curse and he let his hand move down your stomach and then his fingertips felt the waistband of your shorts and he toyed with it until he felt your hips buck and he bit your neck, eliciting a groan from you and he unbuttoned your shorts.

This caught your attention. You had been so wrapped up in the moment with Cassian’s hands, lips, tongue, and teeth on you that you didn’t notice the gravity of the situation. Fear rang through you like a bell, sounding the alarm that you were entering a situation you’d never been in before.

Unlike your friends, you’d never had any romantic relationships much less a sexual one either. You had always been too nervous, too wrapped up in your school work, and really you’d never liked anyone before. It seemed that most of the males at your school were unintelligent and incredibly shallow so you never found any interest in any of them.

But you liked Cassian, who like them, was unintelligent. He was not as shallow, but he definitely focused on his appearance to hide the fact that he was insecure. Which was fine because everybody had their faults and flaws. He was your singular exception; an exception that you gladly let past your walls even if he hadn’t seen them all, yet.

“We should go,” you whispered and he stopped, his hand lingering over the second button.

“You sure?” He matched your tone, his words muffled in your neck.

You nodded, closing your eyes. You tried to gather yourself and return to a respectable version of yourself but it was hard when you kept thinking of seeing his hand in your pants and hearing his encouraging words as you came.

“Okay.” You felt him smile.

He was quick to button your pants for you and you stood up, swaying slightly. That had been a lot, too much almost. Your skin burned so bad, like he was made of fire and had engulfed you in it. Your hands were shaking, screaming at you to touch him in return. But you stayed where you were and accepted the book Cassian handed you without looking at him. You would cave if you did.

Cassian noticed your embarrassment and he kept the disappointment to himself. Everyday his need for you grew and it was agonizing and sometimes physically painful but he pushed it away and followed you out of the house back to your shared office. He’d deal with it later.

“How much do you think they would want to let us mine there?” You asked Rhysand.

You, Cassian, Feyre, Rhysand, and Azriel were having lunch on the back patio of a cafe and you had your head leaned back, taking in the warmth of the sun.

“Great question,” he let out a dry laugh. “They hate being bothered, especially by me.”

You shrugged. “Their problem, not yours.”

Azriel snorted. Like it was that easy. Most, if not all, Illyrians were not happy with Rhysand as High Lord. He was progressive, always trying to interrupt and change their well established culture. He was also not fully Illyrian which made their disdain for him worse.

But at the end of the day, like you said, it wasn’t his problem. He was in charge and you needed this to happen to maintain your end of the treaty with Tarquin.

Cassian watched you. You were relaxed, like he didn’t almost have his hand in your shorts less than an hour ago. But you were good at that: pretending things didn’t happen and pretending like you didn’t have any feelings at all. He didn’t know how you could do it, not ruminate and express. His feelings always bubbled over; he couldn’t contain them to save his life even after all these centuries.

But you did think about it. In fact it was all you could think about it and it kept a consistent pool of warmth between your thighs. But at the same time you did ignore it. Letting it be so you could go on about your day and not look like a fool who was getting lovesick over a male.

The term lovesick struck you a little bit. It didn’t mean love, but the word love did make you think for a moment. Did you love Cassian? No, probably not. You’d never loved anyone before, not romantically at least so you didn’t know what it was like. But from the books you’d read it was powerful and consumed your entire body and mind. He did consume your thoughts but you were still able to think and act independently of him so no, you didn’t love him but you definitely liked him. And maybe you were close to that changing.

“Your commentary and solutions are always a pleasure.” Rhysand took a bite of his sandwich and Feyre laughed beside him.

Rhysand liked you and he was liking you more that you were growing more comfortable with everybody. You had a dry, but enjoyable, sense of humor that kept everyone on their toes, especially Cassian. But he liked you most because of how, unbeknownst to you, grounded Cassian had become around you. He was more focused, more serious, and so enamored by you. You seemed to bring him a sense of peace that could only be found in a few, random lifetimes.

“I do believe that’s why you pay me, my Lord.” You sat up and scooted to the table, pouring your dressing over your salad.

The entire table laughed loudly and you just grinned to yourself.

“You’re quiet, Cass.” Feyre spoke up after a couple of minutes.

He just shrugged. “I’m just tired.” That was a lie.

Cassian was too horny to think straight so he kept to himself, hoping the day would end soon so he could leave. Azriel gave him a look and Cassian shook his head slightly.

He didn’t want to talk about it. He knew how private you were. But the tension was getting to him and it was growing more difficult to keep it to himself. Maybe advice on how to move on with you would help, but you were clearly dancing around him on purpose, like you weren’t sure what to do exactly so you constantly took two steps forward and then retreated back three steps.

“Y/N?” A voice called out behind the table and every turned to see a female approaching the group.

You looked up and gasped, immediately letting out a scream. Your knees hit the table but you didn’t notice as you ran towards her, wrapping your arms around her neck and hugging her tightly.

“Raquel!” You screamed. Out of your group of friends she was the one that you were closest to. After graduation she moved to the Dawn Court, pursuing a career in healing. You hadn’t seen her in years, her mother always saying just how busy she was with her studies.

She hugged you back, even tighter than you had and grinned against your cheek. “My gods, it’s so good to see you.”

You pulled back and held her hands. “What are you doing here?”

“Just visiting. I’m finally done with school.”

“Oh, that’s awesome! Congratulations.” You went in for another hug that Raquel gladly accepted.

“Who’s that?” She whispered, swaying you slightly.

“I work for the Night Court.” You whispered back, grinning.

“Shut the fuck up.” She pushed you off and peered around your head, eyeing the group. But you were right. There sat the High Lord and High Lady. The other two she knew but couldn’t name and she looked back at you and laughed.

“How’d you manage that?”

You scoffed. “I’m smart, you know. And I asked.”

“You asked?” She gave you a skeptical look.

“My mom made me ask.”

“Sounds about right.”

You laughed and shrugged. “It’s cool. I’ve been to the Summer and Autumn Court so far.”

Raquel mused over your comment and glanced back at the table, catching the eye of the big burly Illyrian who was the only one still monitoring your interaction.

“Who’s that?” Raquel’s voice dropped as she nodded towards him.

You turned your head and Cassian gave you a look and you waved your hand at him from behind your back signaling you were fine.

“Cassian. We work together.”

Raquel hummed and raised an eyebrow. She had been the fiercest of the group. Loud and temperamental and incredibly protective of her loved ones.

“He’s watching.”

You shrugged, shifting your weight from side to side. “It’s fine. He’s cool.” You waved her comment off, hoping to clear her attitude.

Raquel had her arms crossed as she surveyed Cassian who did the exact same when she suddenly dropped her arms and held your hands again. “We should get dinner sometime.”

You agreed with no hesitation and agreed to meet the following night after you had gotten off from work. With a final hug, you two departed and you made your way back to the table.

“Sorry,” you apologized sheepishly as you took your seat, mixing your salad.

“Who was that?” Feyre asked.

“My best friend.” You beamed. “She’s been away for school and just graduated.”

“Didn’t know you had friends.” Azriel mused and you kicked him, sucking your teeth.

“More than you.”

“Are you really having a sleepover with Nesta, Emorie, and Gwyn?” Cassian asked you in disbelief.

It wasn’t that it was weird per say, but he thought sleepovers were reserved for children, not adults.

“Yeah? What’s the problem?” You went through your overnight bag once more, making sure you had everything.

Cassian leaned against the doorframe to the living room, arms crossed and one ankle crossed over another. His signature stance when he was with you.

“Nothing,” he said rather quickly and you looked at him with a slight scowl.

He smirked. “There she is.” He sauntered over to you and grabbed your bag for you after you zipped it up and you deepened your scowl.

He was so obnoxious and you were sure he did it on purpose to mess with you. You were sure he liked to see you aggravated and borderline miserable around him just so he could say those three words. Three words that you didn’t truly understand and had given up trying to decipher.

“Have fun.” Your mother gave you a kiss and you did the same, giving her a hug.

She gave Cassian a warm smile, a knowing look in her eyes as she glanced between you and Cassian. She knew, even if you didn’t. This was not just a mutual connection, this was so much more and she knew that because she’d been there. Cassian noticed the look and blushed and nodded his head.

“You might as well move in; you’re always here.” She joked and his face turned an even deeper shade of red and let out a nervous laugh.

You let out a snort and opened the front door. “As if.”

“It’s good to see you, though, Cassian.” She squeezed his arm gently and he nodded again.

“You too.”

“Why do you bring so much stuff?” Cassian asked, slinging the bag over his shoulder.

You shrugged. “Why does Nesta live in the House of Wind?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“It was a stupid question.”

He rolled his eyes. “She lives there because she likes it.”

“Ah,” you nodded and looked at the big house that was nestled in the mountains. At the least the flight would be short.

“Nervous?” He gave you a grin and you clicked your tongue.

“Nope.”

“Liar.” He laughed and you gave him a look.

“Leave me alone.” You grumbled, walking ahead of him.

He caught up to you quickly and put an arm around your shoulders. “I think it’s funny and kinda cute.”

You squared your shoulders and tried to even your breathing. You were getting more aggravated. You don’t know what I’ve been through, you wanted to say. He didn’t know the way those creatures swooped down and tore everybody apart and tore into you like it was nothing and how it shredded your father’s body. He was there, this you knew, but he was trained to fight in battle so it was nothing to him, but you were not. Had he even lost anyone like you had?

He didn’t know this so you couldn’t fault him for finding it funny. You were so scared to be in the air because it was a normal reaction to be scared as someone who did not have wings and had never done it before. But the heights didn’t bother you, it was the wings. You had been tossed in the air that day and every time you flew you saw it clear as day like it was happening all over again.

You let out a breath and Cassian pulled you closer to him. “You okay?”

You felt his eyes on you and you balled your hands into fists. You nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“Did I upset you?” He stopped and turned you so you were facing him.

“No.” You said firmly but he saw your red cheeks and the tears forming in your eyes. You knew he saw it but you knew he wouldn’t push. He knew better; you wouldn’t say a word. You were like that always, dodging difficult conversations and feelings and he had tried many times to elicit your history and figure you out, but you were good at seeing his attempts and changing the topic so seamlessly that he got lost trying to go back and revisit the conversation.

“Okay.” he squeezed your shoulder and gave you a soft smile, but you saw the sadness behind it.

That wasn’t your problem.

You had so much fun with the girls that night. You don’t think you have laughed and smiled so much more than you did that night. It must’ve been years since you felt this much joy.

Gwyn and Emorie were so easy to be around, like you had known them for years.

“Oh!” You squealed when Nesta conjured a pegasus from the House’s magic.

You reached you for it and Nesta floated it towards you and you held it in your hands. It flared its wings and bounced its head like it was greeting you.

“Wow.” Gwyn breathed you and you handed it to her.

Azriel and Cassian could hear you four screaming and laughing from the other side of the House and Azriel was getting fed up, muttering curses and pleas for them to be quiet. But Cassian didn’t mind. Your laugh rang out the loudest and it was an incredible sound. He wondered if that was the same laugh that you had in the picture in your room. He wondered if that’s how you normally laughed and just didn’t do it around him or anyone else. He had a sinking feeling that you haven’t laughed like that in a while.

He heard a door open and saw you all spill out of the room and Nesta led you to the kitchen and you all were discussing what to eat for dinner. Nesta mentioned the House’s chocolate cake and he knew you’d scrunch your nose and shake your head and you did just that; you weren’t a fan of sweet foods, preferring foods that had fresh in your mouth and on occasion something savory.

“I never thought I’d see you so disgustingly in love with somebody.” Azriel muttered, shuffling through a stack of papers.

Cassian’s head snapped to look at his brother and Azriel wasn’t even looking at him.

“I don’t love her.”

Azriel let out a cackle. “Yeah right, brother.”

He didn’t love you. He hadn’t even thought about that. He was incredibly infatuated with you, but it wasn’t love. Love was a completely different feeling and it was not what he was feeling. But at the same time he’d never been in love. Was loving someone and being in love with them different? Now Cassian’s hands were sweating and his head was spinning. Did he? How would he know?

He could see you in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and your arms crossed while talking with Emorie. Your eyes shifted and they landed on him and you gave him a smile, your eyes lighting up. You greeted him from across the hallway with a wave and he gave you the same smile and nodded his head in return.

Azriel saw the interaction and his shadows swirled around him, excited about this new development. They were just as amused as Azriel.

“And you don’t love her.” He said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Cassian found it difficult to sleep that night. Dreams and nightmares kept pulling him out of sleep and it was now three in the morning and he was lying face up in bed staring at the moon.

You and the rest of the group had gone to bed hours prior after doing gods knows what, but all he and Azriel knew was that you were loud and annoying. But they both knew better than to say anything. It was their space too but deep down they were both scared of Nesta and any time she was interrupted they didn’t stop hearing about it for days, so to keep the peace they stayed in the common area and in their rooms, trying to block out the laughter and discussions that traveled down the halls and through the walls.

Cassian was getting drowsy again, his eyelids becoming heavy and his muscles twitching every now and then when he heard a bang and a curse. He immediately got up, grabbed a dagger from his bedside table and slowly made his way to the door, keeping his footsteps silent.

“Fucking hell,” the voice said and he heard shuffling and a thud.

Cracking the door open, he peeked his head out and he saw a small figure bent over picking something up. The figure stood up and turned around and screamed.

“Oh my gods!” He hadn’t recognized the voice through the door, but now he knew it was you.

Azriel barged through his door, sword in hand and you screamed again.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Cassian hissed and you backed up, hitting the table again.

“I’m looking for the library.” You whispered, looking between the two. It was now you realized just how dangerous they were with their stances slightly hunched, feet apart, and holding weapons like it was second nature.

Azriel lowered his sword and Cassian rubbed his face.

“You’re going the wrong way.” He said.

“Oh.” You looked around. “Okay,” you said as you walked past them both. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry.” And as you rounded the corner you called out over your shoulder a “goodnight.”

“She’s still going the wrong way, you know.” Azriel said with a chuckle and Cassian let out a breath of annoyance.

“Yeah, I got it.” He went back in his room, tossed the dagger on his bed, and grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a shirt and headed back out after you.

He found you quickly, opening and closing doors and trying your best to be quiet and for a moment he watched you. It was comical to see you stumbling in the near dark completely lost.

“You’re still going the wrong way.” He finally said and you jumped and turned around.

“Fuck, you scared me.” You had your hand over your heart and you sighed. “Where is it?”

“Why do you need to go?” He walked towards you, his arms crossed and you looked him up and down.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Ah,” he nodded. He looked around the room before speaking, admiring the paintings and various knick knacks that Nesta and Feyre had set up. “I couldn’t sleep either.”

“Why?” Your voice was quiet and your eyes wide in the moonlight as you looked up at him.

He shrugged. “Dreams.”

“About?”

He chuckled and put an arm around you, taking you in the direction of the library. “You are very inquisitive tonight, professor.”

You grinned. “I’m surprised you know that word.”

He made a noise of mocked shock. “I know words.”

“Yeah, right. You asked me the other day what ‘expeditiously’ meant.”

Cassian blushed and bit his lip. “I just hadn’t seen that word before.”

“Because you don’t read.”

“I read books.”

“Picture books.”

“You’re fucking annoying.” He stretched his arm to cup the side of your face and pressed you into his side and to his surprise not only did you let him, but you let out a small, quiet giggle.

“This place is huge.” You whispered, marveling at the space around you.

Your ears popped from how below ground you were, but it wasn’t frightening. Despite it being dark with only a few faelights every couple of feet, it was cozy and surprisingly warm.

You let your hand run along the top of the stone railing as you casually stepped down the stairs to the first level. Cassian trailed behind you, hugging the wall and letting his shoulder slide against the it.

He didn’t respond. Instead he just watched you walk, making sure you didn’t trip as well as making sure that nothing came from the bottom. Bryaxis hadn’t been seen since the final battle with Hybern but Cassian wouldn’t put it past him to show up and taunt him.

“You okay?” You turned and looked at Cassian.

He looked tired. His hair was a mess of frizz and curls and strewn across his face and his lazy attempts to brush it out of his face did absolutely nothing to make him look more presentable. He was barefoot with sweatpants that seemed too big on him and a black shirt that he was wearing definitely seemed too tight on him.

He was also much more quiet than he was when you initially crossed paths with him.

“Just tired.” He leaned against a bookshelf while you ran your fingers over the spines, reading the titles.

“You can go back to bed. I’m fine.” You said without looking at him.

He snorted and crossed his arms. “And when you get lost and we lose you forever?”

You let out a breathy laugh. “You’ll find me.”

You saw him smirk out of the corner of your eye. “Always.”

You smiled to yourself and eyed him. He looked more relaxed now with his head leaning against the books, his hair scrunching up slightly and he was looking down at you with an expression that you couldn’t name but it looked something like admiration.

You ended up grabbing four books and left a note that you would return them by the end of the week and followed Cassian to the living room. As you walked faelights lit up and you frowned slightly.

Why couldn’t they come on earlier?

Cassian fell back on the couch with a big sigh and you nestled on the opposite end, flipping through the romance book you found. It was a big volume with almost six hundred pages and you had spotted the second book in the series but figured to hold off on it until you finished this one first. The other three books were just political and geography riddled books with pages on history and landscapes; you figured they would be helpful with finding other stone deposits within the Night Court.

Cassian snaked his arm towards you and rubbed his fingers on your exposed ankle.

You gave him a questioning look but he wasn’t even looking at you, his eyes closed.

“You’re very handsy you know that right?” It used to bother you but not anymore. You had gotten so used with his simple, soft touches that part of you now even expected it. Deep down you cringed slightly, always afraid he’d find a part of you that you didn’t want him to see, but that was always pushed aside.

He smirked. “Just with you.”

“Why?” Your tone was genuine. You always wanted to know what his deal was with you. He was friendly and kind with everyone but with you, it was on a different level. Like there was another layer to it all. Like he couldn’t help himself, like he had to do it. It was always so absentminded, too. A natural pull to you that kept him close and touching you at all times.

He let out a soft sigh, his fingers trailing up the backside of your calf. “I don’t know.”

You opened your mouth and then closed it, not able to find the right words.

He looked at you and his eyes were thoughtful, like he was taking his time to digest your question and his answer and his next words.

Maybe it was the dim room and the fact that you looked so relaxed with the book on the armrest and his fingers tracing circles and stars on your skin but Cassian felt himself open more than usual. His chest cracking open and the emotions he held solely for you coming out in golden tendrils.

“I don’t know what it is about you.” He took his lip in between his teeth. “But I need you, I think. I need to be with you. It hurts when I’m not.” He rolled his head back to its previous position and looked up at the ceiling.

It was true. All of it. He needed you in a way that was so difficult to control. Time spent away from you was hell if he ever knew it. He thought about you constantly. At first it was because you were so interesting to him. He would think of the way your eyes were always so calculating and the way you couldn’t stand to be around him. But now that he knew your eyes and their many phases and you weren’t so scared of him, he still thought of you. You were becoming his world and his chest hurt so bad when he thought about it. He had no more space in his body for all the pride he felt. Pride to know you, pride to be with you, and pride to love you.

Love.

His fingers halted and he saw you look down and he resumed their movement. He took deep, even breaths to calm his body from the realization.

He loved you. Of course he did. There was no other explanation for how intensely he felt about you. No other explanation for how much he wanted you. But more than want, he did need you. He was so attracted to you. He was attracted to your intellect, your humor, your features and body. He could look at you all day if you let him and sometimes you didn’t so he would just see you in his head. It helped that he had memorized you.

He wanted to cry. Cassian’s chest felt like it was expanding, his rib cage sparking until it caught fire and spread throughout his body until he was warm and glowing. Tears pricked at his eyes when he looked at you from the hair that cascaded over your shoulder, your intense stare, the slope of your nose and curve of your lips. He loved it all. How could he not? You were so incredible, so perfect.

He looked back over to you and you had already begun to read, your head on your fist and your other hand holding the book on your lap. You had pushed your leg out so he could grab your ankle properly and he gave it a squeeze and he saw you frown slightly while you side eyed him.

There she is.

You heard his confession. But what were you to say? What words could you conjure up that dismissed it? Or validated it? Or even switched the subject?

You felt something. A pull, an attraction that was undeniable but you didn’t know what to do about it. You didn’t know whether to act on it or flee from it. You were scared of it; you’d never felt this before with anybody. Your friends had always found it odd that you never had a crush or a boyfriend or even a girlfriend, but it never appealed to you. Nobody ever caught your eye or made your breath hitch in your throat or made your heart flutter slightly.

But he did. Every time you saw him it was like you were looking at him for the first time. Even when you saw him for the first time. Through the fear, there was a need to study him so you looked at him beneath your lashes and through your peripheral with the excuse that you were making sure his wings kept their distance. But really it was to know who he was. You hadn’t done that with Azriel despite having the same issue. You didn’t need to know him. You needed to know Cassian, the one who made the first move, whose eyes struck you to your core with every glance.

“Nothing to say, professor?” His tone was lighthearted, but deep down he wanted you to say you felt it too. That you wanted him as much as he wanted you and he was sure it was true because there was no other explanation for what existed between you two at all times.

You normally did have something to say, in fact you always had something to say but you found yourself at a loss for words. You didn’t know what to say to that. Did you feel the same? Maybe. You thought you did, but you had spent so long denying yourself the reality of your situation that you felt confused for a brief moment.

You turned the page of your book, looking at the words but not registering them.

“I think,” you clicked your tongue and looked at him, your brows coming together. “I think so do I.”

Your eyes were a bit lost and your face was contorted in confusion but at the same time thoughtfulness. You were pretty sure you felt the same. You gravitated towards him because you knew him and it was easy, but did you need him? You wanted him, sure. But need was a reach, perhaps.

You looked at each other for a moment and then another, like you were reaching a silent understanding of each other and the situation.

It was there, you both acknowledged it, you both accepted it, and you both felt it even if it was on different levels. And that was enough for Cassian.

You went your separate ways shortly after, sleeping threatening to take you down. He walked you to the room you were sharing with Nesta, Gwyn, and Emorie and gave you a long kiss on your cheek. Long enough that you lost your breath and turned your head slightly to catch his lips but pulled away and whispered a farewell against your lips and you did the same.

When you woke up the next morning, Gwyn had her head on your chest and her arms wrapped around your waist and it made you laugh and you accidentally woke her up.

“Sorry,” she laughed with you. “I’m a cuddler when I sleep.”

“No shit,” you giggled and wiped the drool off your shoulder with your shirt.

You got dressed and waited for everybody else outside in the kitchen, sipping on coffee. They all were going to the training ring for their morning exercises; they had invited you to join, but you declined. You had sworn off fighting after your father had died. He was the only one you scrimmaged with and when you killed him, you put your sword down indefinitely. You were capable of horrible things and never wanted to do it again.

You watched them all, Gwyn, Emorie, Nesta, Cassian, Azriel, and the other Priestesses as they went through the training session moving from swordplay to hand to hand combat and stamina.

Cassian watched you as you sat on the lawn chairs at the edge of the ring. You were watching intently, more intently than he would have thought. And he had a feeling that you knew this, that you had done it before from the way you tilted your head while watching the group and nodded when he or Azriel corrected one of the females.

“You know about this don’t you?” He asked you during the water break and you looked up from your seated position.

You decided to be truthful. “My father served in the first Hybern war and taught me how to fight.”

“So you know how to handle a sword?” He was shocked. He knew your father had been in the war, but he never would have thought you knew how to engage in battle.

“Yes.” You said it so matter of factly like he should have known this and shouldn’t be so surprised.

“Then you should show me what you can do.” He gave you a smirk and he noticed the way your face fell slightly and you looked down, playing with a loose string on your shorts.

“I don’t do that anymore.”

He sat next to you and leaned his shoulder against yours. “Why?”

You shrugged. “Just don’t.”

He didn’t press the issue. He drank the rest of his water and when nobody was looking he kissed your temple and walked to the group like nothing had happened and you couldn’t help but smile, your face hot.

Starfall was that night which was why you stayed the night. You figured it would be easier on your outfit if Cassian didn’t have to bring you later that night.

Gwyn left after training and so did Emorie, leaving you and Nesta alone in the House. Cassian and Azriel left for whatever reasons but not before Cassian ran his fingers up your side and told you that he would be back and you just shrugged, giving him a deadpan look and a simple ‘okay’ which made him chuckle and his eyes lit up with amusement.

Nesta showed you around the House and it was bigger than you had thought with spacious rooms and balconies and incredibly long hallways. You were intimated by its size and Nesta just laughed at the look on your face which was pure awe.

“Do you like it here?” You asked her as you both descended to the library.

“I like the House and it likes me.” She shrugged. “Cassian and Azriel aren’t horrible roommates either.”

This made you laugh and then you gave her a quizzical look. “The House likes you?”

“Mhm,” she held the door open for you and slipped into the library. “Its enchanted with magic. You saw it earlier when we asked it for something and it gave it to us. But it’s more than that. It listens and has moods and its own wants.”

“Oh.” You looked around and took in the information. Magic was part of your life, you knew it existed but for a place like this to be sentient, it blew your mind and you were impressed. “That’s incredible,” you finally said at last and gave Nesta a smile.

“It helped me a lot when I first came here, you know.” She had a sad, but soft smile on her lips and she looked at you and her eyes were glistening with tears. “It saved my life.”

You returned her smile. “I'm glad.”

You spent the rest of the day like that. Going from room to room, level to level, killing time until Starfall began and when it did you were unable to contain your excitement.

You loved Starfall and every year since you could remember you would sit outside and watch the spirits shoot across the sky. They were so bright and colorful and they lit up the sky, almost as bright as the sun. It was your favorite day of the year and this year you would be at the House of Wind, much higher than the garden at your house so you would be able to see them much closer than before and you even hoped you would be able to touch one.

Your gown was new, courtesy from your mother who surprised you with it the previous week. It had two necklines: one neckline was an A-line and below it the dress was a solid silver that shimmered in the light and barely touched the floor. From your breast up, the fabric was sheer and see through and circled your neck. The sleeves matched the sheer fabric from the top of the dress and it was adorned with small, silver rhinestones and was well fitted and stopped a little below your elbow. The skirt flowed out, not a lot, but enough that it swayed when you walked. Nesta braided your hair in her signature wrap around and you pulled a few strands loose so they framed your face. You loved the dress, your hair, and your jewelry and you were giddy when you walked out of your shared room with Nesta and headed towards the living room where everyone else was sitting, waiting for the spectacle to begin.

When Cassian saw you walk into the room, your hands placed in front of you, he nearly fell over and was grateful when Rhysand caught his elbow, giving him a grin.

“Holy fuck,” he whispered and leaned back against the wall and he heard Rhysand and Feyre chuckle.

You looked stunning and you blushed when everyone complimented you and he would’ve too but he was simply too stunned to speak. He should’ve complimented you, he should’ve strolled across the room and took you in his arms and declared his love for you, but he was glued to his spot against the wall.

He looked you up and down. The dress was well fitted on you, hugging your body and accentuating every curve and dip. You held your head high, clearly proud of how you look and it was also clear that you felt good. You were relaxed as you stood in the doorway but he saw the apprehension in your stance as you glanced about the room for a spot to sit.

Your eyes caught Cassian’s form and your eyes trailed up his body slowly. He wore black dress pants and black shoes with a tucked in dark blue shirt. His jacket was slung across the armrest of the couch he was leaning on and he wore a silver watch that gleamed in the light. His sleeves were rolled up, muscles and tattoos stark against his dark skin. His hair was a mess per usual. It was down and loose and grazed his broad shoulders and you saw him lift a hand and tuck some of it behind his ear.

Your eyes met and he sucked in a breath and you noticed his wild, wide eyes. He looked bewildered like he had seen a ghost and in reality he had. You were the ghost he saw, a holy ghost that never left him alone and haunted him at all hours of the day and night.

You offered him a soft, timid smile and he relaxed, finding the confidence to grin at you and dip his head down in greeting. He gently jerked his head towards the chair that was to his right and you breathed in deeply and square your shoulders and cautiously maneuvered around the various furniture and standing people to sit at his side.

You sat down and crossed your legs and leaned back and Cassian’s hand gravitated towards you and his fingers grazed your shoulder, feeling the fabric beneath his fingers. You looked up at him and he was already looking down at you, a smile tugging at his full lips and his eyes had relaxed, the hazel now turning into a brown the longer he looked at you.

He leaned down and you tilted your head to the side and why you did this, you weren’t entirely sure but it made him repress the urge to run his nose up your neck. Instead he stopped at your ear, his lips tickling it slightly.

“You look,” he took a breath and you tightened the grip you had on your hands. “You look absolutely ravishing tonight, professor.”

The moment was so quiet, so intimate that you two forgot you were in a room that was filled with your friends. Your eyes shifted to look at him and your lips parted as your eyes locked.

“Thank you.” You whispered and then you smirked. “You look fine. You should do something about your hair, though.”

He smirked. “Asshole.”

Your laugh rang across the room at the story Rhysand was telling. The story always made everyone laugh when they imagined teenage Rhysand, Azriel, and Cassian drunk and trying to hide the mess they had made on Rhysand mother’s favorite couch.

“I really think if Azriel had just shut the fuck up, she wouldn’t of known.” Cassian laughed beside you. His hand had found its home on the side of your neck as he sat on the armrest of the chair you were sitting in.

You wanted to lean into him and take in his cologne and the faint smell of alcohol that circled around him. You had your own glass in your hand that was now half empty, allowing you to enjoy the moment with your friends and not worry about a single thing.

You were having fun for the first time in a long time and for a brief moment you had an intense feeling of gratitude for your new life. You always thought that after the death of your father and all of your friends leaving Velaris that you would never have a life again but now you did. Your life was now filled with work and laughter that made you excited to get up and go out every morning.

Cassian helped with it all, too. He was a strong figure beside you. He always reassured you with his presence and touches and words, reminding you that you had nothing to worry about and you were safe. And you were safe. Safer than you were before. You were still plagued by your past and your worries and anxieties but you found yourself drifting away from it ever so slowly.

You still thought about it though. Your father’s bloody body in your arms, the fear in his eyes as his heart stopped beating and the everlasting guilt you felt in your heart.

Your father loved Starfall. When you were a child you would sit on his shoulders and watch the spirits fly by, going to wherever they called home. Sometimes you’d even try to reach one, hoping to feel its glow on your skin. Your father would laugh but then become mesmerized at the colors filling the sky.

Starfall used to remind him of the first war, of the magic filling the skies as Illyrian siphons lit up the sky. He’d fought with the Darkbringers in Hewn City where he and your mother were from originally, a fact that you all kept quiet. Once the war was over and his service was commemorated by the previous High Lord, he’d been offered a spot in the Inner Court but he’d refused, opting for a secluded life with his mate so he was granted refuge in Velaris where they’d lived for the past five hundred years.

He’d stop fearing Starfall and left the memories of the war behind when you were born. He worried that if he did not appreciate the spirits and their journey that he would not be one of them when he died and he’d miss the opportunity of being with you and his mate when the time came. So, he sucked it up and every year he sat with you in the garden and soon enough it became his favorite holiday.

Cassian tugged at one of the loose strands of hair and you jerked slightly, turning to look at him and narrowing your eyes. You raised an eyebrow in question and he suppressed a laugh instead opting to run his tongue over his bottom lip.

“What?” You asked simply.

“You’re quiet.”

“I have nothing to say.”

He hummed, mulling over your simple, and quite frankly, sharp response.

He shrugged. “Fine.”

You scoffed and turned back around, angling yourself so your back was to him and he wanted to laugh at your petty attempt at an attitude. But he let you be and placed his hand in between your shoulder blades and jumped back into the conversation.

Starfall began shortly after and you found yourself drifting from the group to find a secluded balcony. It’s not that anything was wrong with the rest of the group but you much rather preferred to experience it by yourself. Your father and you had always watched it in silence, commenting every now and then about the color and shape of some of the spirits. But for the most part, you both were present in the moment, enjoying each other’s company.

Cassian was too immersed with everyone, playing drinking games and poking fun at Nesta for the dirty dishes she’d left in the kitchen, to notice that you had vanished and he wondered for how long you’d been gone.

After minutes of searching he found you on one of the many balconies. You were leaning forward against the railing with your elbows on top of it, your head moving slowly from side to side as you watched the spirits fly back. You were so focused you didn’t hear or feel him walk up and stand beside you.

“Incredible isn’t it?”

You jumped and whirled to look at him. “Scared me.” You muttered and resumed your position, making a point to create distance between you two.

“Sorry.” Cassian let out a breathy laugh and put his hands in his pockets.

Moments of silence followed and you placed your cheek on your hand. It would be hours of this. The sky illuminated with spirits going to wherever their destination was and even though it was the same thing every time one passed by, it never got boring. Each spirit was unique and you wondered about the life it once had lived. If you pondered long enough you wondered if your father was amongst them and you subconsciously looked for him in the sky.

“Oh!” You let out a surprised cry as a spirit passed by above your head, barely grazing your hair. You whipped around to follow its flight path until you couldn’t see it anymore. “You saw that?” You breathlessly asked Cassian and when you turned around he had an amazed grin on his face, his eyes on the spot in the sky where the spirit had disappeared.

“Yeah.” He chuckled and mimicked your previous position against the railing, forearms braced against the top.

You didn’t settle against the railing, though. You noticed that the spirits were flying lower and some were within reach. You wanted to touch one. You always had and with how high in the sky the House of Wind was you just might be able to.

One particular spirit was moving lazily, dropping in altitude every now and then and it seemed to bounce in the sky rather than fly. You leaned over the railing, standing on your toes and reached out as it floated past and your fingers grazed its side, its essence covering your fingers. It didn’t seem phased as it kept moving, going in the same direction as the other spirits.

You let out a shriek that turned into a laugh and brought your hand close to you and smiled. You’d finally touched one and you were ecstatic. Its essence was smooth and jelly light and incredibly bright. You didn’t think there was a paint that existed that could match the yellow that adorned your hands as it trickled down your fingers.

Suddenly you were struck by grief. You cradled your hand, moving it around to admire the moonlight that reflected off of it. You started to cry. Your sobs were loud and interrupted by hiccups as you tried to stop. Your father should be here. He should’ve touched the spirit too like he’d always wanted to. But he wasn’t because you were dumb and did a dumb thing and he was dead because of it. He was dead because of you. You did not deserve any of the happiness you’d felt as of late, especially now.

Cassian didn’t move for a moment, unsure of what to do. You seemed to be in a different world, in a different moment in time as he watched you bite your lip in attempts to muffle your crying. Finally he moved, grabbing your elbow and pulling you into your chest. You let him, moving your hand away from it so you didn’t mess up his clothes.

“It’s fine.” He mumbled into your hair and you let out another cry, your knees buckling.

“He should be here.” You cried and you felt his shirt become damp with your tears.

Cassian didn’t need to ask who you were talking about. He knew. He could sense the grief that followed you even when you smiled and laughed.

“I know, sweetheart.” He held you tighter, swaying you slightly. His hand was firm against your back and he pulled away slightly to wipe your face.

Your bottom lip was trembling and your eyes were brighter than normal with the glistening of your tears as you looked up at him. You looked utterly defeated and he got the sense that you felt like you had done something wrong and needed to confess. Something inside of him stirred and he cupped your face.

“Take a breath.”

You tried and it turned into hyperventilation. You squeezed your eyes shut and buried your face into Cassian’s chest. “I’m sorry.”

Cassian shushed you quietly and kissed the top of your head. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

But you did. You had so much to be sorry for. You had ruined so much and made so many mistakes that cost you everything and you couldn’t fix any of it.

For a long moment you remained like this until you were finally quiet, the only sound filling the space was your ragged breathing.

“Tell me about him.” Cassian suddenly requested and you peered up at him.

Your eyes were bloodshot and puffy and your lips even more so from how much you’d bitten them.

Cassian led you back to the balcony’s railing and you both leaned your sides against it. He held at arm's length, his hands loose on your elbows.

You avoided his intense gaze and looked at the evidence of a long awaited wish on your hands. It stuck to your skin, traveling down towards your wrist.

“He was larger than life,” you started. Your voice was low.

Cassian tilted his head slightly, looking down at you and squeezed your elbow in encouragement.

“He was like,” you sighed and lifted your head and looked around, searching for words. “He was strong and big with a commanding presence even though he was really quiet and actually kinda small.” You laughed and sniffed. “He was really simple. He just wanted to be in the garden with his vegetables. Every day he’d measured how much they’d grown so he could know if he was doing something right and then he’d present his findings at dinner like some mad scientist with theories of why the tomato vines aren’t as thick as previous years.”

You laughed louder this time, remembering how one night he spent almost two hours ranting about it because he knew he was using the right soil and fertilizer but they weren’t growing like before. Your mother had to let out an exasperated groan and place her hand over his for him to stop.

“Pyter, please. It hasn’t rained as much. Did you consider that?”

Your father had stilled for a moment, eyebrows coming together and looking up at the ceiling. “Interesting theory, Marta.” He had mused and opened his journal and began to scribble gods knows what.

Cassian grinned and let his hands rest on your waist. “I thought he was a warrior?”

“Oh,” you smiled and wiped your face with your free hand. “He was. The best, even. But that wasn’t who he was. It was just something he did. He was timid, really. He hated making a fuss. He left that to my mom.”

It felt good to talk about him. To remember him as he was.

You were quiet for a moment and then you spoke, looking at Cassian. “You remind me of him, you know.”

Surprise flitted across Cassian’s face. “How so?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know.” You moved away from him and looked out towards the city. “You just do. You’re big like him, like, you’re just there. Hard to not notice you.” Cassian began to chuckle but then you spoke again. “Not in a bad way. You both are just those types of people. Loyal and important and kind. He was so kind.” Your voice broke and you choked on a sob.

Cassian was quiet, letting you compose yourself and you did rather quickly by clearing your throat and straightening your back. You looked back down at your spirit riddled hand. Despite it being there for so long it was still glowing brightly.

“You remind me of him.” You repeated your previous statement with a sigh and looked at Cassian.

His eyes in the night were more green and gold than brown and they were considerate tonight, soft with concern but thoughtful as he listened to you. This was the first time he had seen you so vulnerable.

“He sounds incredible.” Cassian said at last and you nodded in agreement.

“You would’ve liked him. He was really knowledgeable about fighting techniques. Could’ve talked about it all day if you let him. He practiced every day too.” You sucked in a breath, regulating yourself. “He would’ve liked you too.”

“What’s not to like?” Cassian broke the bubble of seriousness with a smirk and you scoffed and rolled your eyes.

“He would have taught you so much about humility.” You joked back.

You two gazed at each other for a moment and Cassian crossed one ankle over the other. Despite the tears that streaked your cheeks and the red that covered the whites of your eyes he still found you beautiful especially in the moonlight and the way it illuminated your face.

“You ever touched one before?” You asked quietly and lifted your hand.

Cassian looked at it and shook his head.

“Here.” You reached for his hand and he gave it to you. You flipped his hand over, exposing his palm and you pressed your hands together, imprinting the shape of yours on to his.

You giggled and pulled your hand away. “Now you have.”

But Cassian didn’t look. In fact he hadn’t stopped looking at you. He loved you so much. He’d give you every part of him if you asked. No, he’d do it even if you demanded it. It didn’t matter because he was yours. Entirely yours, irrevocably yours.

You matched his gaze and for once you didn’t shy away. You weren’t nervous or scared or wished with every part of you for the moment to pass. It was comfortable. You were comfortable. With him, in this moment. There were no regrets for the tidbits of information that you shared or for the way you felt so comforted by his embrace.

“What?” You finally asked with a small smile and a tilt of your head and Cassia watched as you did this and the way the moonlight seemed to make your skin glow.

He wanted to tell you he loved you. The declaration was at the tip of his tongue but it wouldn’t come out. So instead he shook his head and he gave you a smile. “I just think you are absolutely stunning.”

“Oh.” Your eyes widened slightly and you ducked your head. You studied your hand again and looked at his that was laying at his side and then at his other hand that was gripping the railing so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. He was barely holding himself together.

With thinking and for no reason at all you approached Cassian and he braced himself as your scent floated around him, enticing him. You grabbed his hand and pressed yours against it again, letting more of the spirit pass from you to him.

“I’ve always wanted to touch it,” you muttered, looking at how his hand glowed. It looked more gold now and when your eyes met Cassian’s you realized that they matched the gold in his eyes perfectly.

“Really?” Cassian’s voice was low, rough even, and licked his lips as he watched you sway while holding his hand.

“Yes. For as long as I can remember.” Your confession hung heavy in the air and part of him wanted to ask what exactly you were talking about but there was a look in your eyes that told him.

“And now that you have?”

You were standing so close to him that your chest was grazing his, the only space between you was occupied by your interlaced fingers. The spirit’s essence glued your hands together, like it was binding you to one another.

You tilted your head up, eyes pleading and desperate. “I think I need to touch it again.”

Cassian’s body shuddered and his eyes fluttered closed for a second and when he opened them again you were closer than before. You hadn't let your hands get in the way of getting closer to him. Now they was pressed between both of your bodies and he could feel your heart beating. It was hard and fast and it matched his perfectly.

“Okay.” Cassian nodded and your eyes shifted with what he could only describe as relief.

There was no hesitation this time. No waiting to see who would move first. This time you both moved at the same time.

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