bldhrry

[bldhrry]

When you can't sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies.

[bldhrry]

Baby Taylor was so fucking brave for Dear John, she does NOT get enough credit for her bravery in releasing that.

[bldhrry]

Taylor and Travis after the KC Chiefs won the 2025 AFC Championship (1/26/25) 🥰

[bldhrry]

[bldhrry]

The Brute and The Scholar

Chapter Eleven | Untouchable Cassian x Fem!Reader Previous Chapter | Next Chapter (TBA) Series Masterlist | General Masterlist

word count: 9.6k

warnings: cursing, smut (18+, minors dni)

author's note: i'm lowkey embarrassed to post but this but whatever. fuck it we ball i guess

You walked back to the River House in silence.

It’s fine, you rubbed your palm back and forth along his knuckles.

The bond responded with rage.

It’s okay.  You tried to soothe him but it only seemed to make it worse.  You glanced up at him and his face was hard and the moonlight emphasized his rugged features even more.  You didn’t know but you brought his hand to your lips and kissed the back of it softly and then his knuckles.  You peered up at him just in time to see him let out a shaky breath, some of the tension loosening.

Drunk you normally cried a lot.  You were overly emotional and affectionate and the only way to express it was through blabbering sobs.  That was the only stage you’d ever experience.  With Cassian you were aroused but now you were discovering that the emotional stage was still there because you felt your throat close and your eyes warm with tears.  He hadn’t looked at you this entire time.  The only time was when he was speaking with Marc and maybe you should’ve found solace in the fact that he held your hand but you didn’t.  Couldn’t.

“Are you mad at me?”  You whispered and Cassian stopped so fast that you lunged ahead of him and you tripped.

“What?”

You sniffed and kept your eyes on the ground.  “Are you mad?”  You looked up at him and your bottom lip was jutted out, trembling.  “At me, I mean?”

He looked at you weird, like you were speaking in a different language.  “Why would I be mad at you?”

You shrugged and looked back down and he sighed and continued walking again and you let him lead you.  

“I’m not mad at you.”  There was silence and Cassian ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it.  “I should’ve been there.”  Another moment of silence.  “You didn’t do anything wrong, Y/N.”  Out of the corner of his eye he saw you look up at him and when he turned to you he was surprised to see tears had started streaming down your face.  “Why are you crying?”

“You’re mad.”

“Not at you, though.”

“I know.”

He sighed, trying to expel everything he was feeling but it was hard.  Everybody was his enemy right now, family or not.  You had been the most important thing in his life for months now, but now even more.  The need to protect you overwhelmed his senses and was actively rewiring his brain.  Nothing mattered more than keeping you safe.

He led you up the steps to the house and unlocked it, leaving it ajar for the rest of the group who had pointedly kept their distance from you two.

You let go of his hand and sat on the bench by the door, leaning over to untie your laces and you almost fell over.  Cassian held you by your shoulders and pushed you back slightly so you were leaning against the wall while he knelt before you and started to take off your shoes.

“I’m not mad at you,” he whispered as he slipped the shoe free and began to work on the other one.  “I’m mad at him.  He should’ve left you alone.  There was no reason to get like that because you didn’t want to go out with him.  And I’m angry with myself.”  You looked at him but Cassian kept his gaze fixated on your shoe.  “I should’ve stayed with you.  I,” he took a deep breath.  “I have to protect you and I didn’t.  And he fucking,” Cassian closed his eyes and turned his head to the side, letting out a breath to compose himself.  “He fucking touched you and I should have never let that happen.”  He twisted the other shoe free and set it to the side.  Wrapping his arms behind your knees he pulled you close and you gripped the edge of the bench for support and peered down at him.  “I love you and I’m sorry.  It’ll never happen again.”

Normally you would have cringed at his affections.  You would have recoiled into yourself and pretended like it didn’t happen, like he didn’t genuinely mean it and like you didn’t like when he said it.  But this time, perhaps due to your impaired state, you ducked your head down so he couldn’t see the blush creeping up your neck.

“Really?”  You found yourself saying, peeking up at him through your lashes.

Cassian snorted and placed his chin on your legs and looked up at you.  “Really.”

“Hmm,” you hummed and stuck your tongue in your cheek, fighting the smile that was threatening to erupt on your face.  

You finally looked at him properly and took note of how much more relaxed he looked.  His shoulders were loose and his face was softer, not like how it’d been on the walk to the house.  He looked much more content and happy even.  

“You’re not mad anymore?”

His eyes shifted but quickly recovered to showcase amusement.  “I want him dead.”  Cassian shrugged and sat up straighter so you were nearly at eye level with him.  “But I’ll live.”

You swayed slightly as he neared you, his scent shielding you from all things rational.  He smelled good, always did somehow even if he’d just come from the training ring.  He smelled like earth and fire mixed with expensive cologne and right now it made your mouth water; the thought of tasting it entered your mind.  He looked good too; a faint sheen of sweat covered his skin and in the dim lighting of the house it emphasized his muscles and tattoos making them look life-like. His hair was disheveled more than usual from his altercation with Marc and you reached out to fix it, moving strands to their rightful place and when you were done you carefully flicked his hair off his shoulders and leaned back to admire your work and him at the same time.

Pretty, you thought and Cassian’s eyes shot open and he smirked at you and raised his eyebrows.

Really?

You inhaled sharply and frowned, making a move to get up.  “I was admiring what I did.”

He chuckled and stood up when you did, towering over you as he held your side gently.  “I’m real sure, professor.”

You looked up at him and struggled to find an appropriate remark, something that would be a devastating blow to his never ending ego.  But you couldn’t think of anything as he looked down at you, eyes looking into yours and his full lips now in a grin.

“You’re an ass,” you finally retorted.

Cassian still held your side as he tilted his head back and laughed, his free hand on his stomach and you frowned, unsure of what was so funny. He recovered and ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at you again.  “Is that all you got?”

“What?”  You took a step towards him in confusion.

“You’re usually meaner.”

You scoffed.  “I’m not mean.”

Cassian made a contemplative noise, moving his head side to side, his eyes roaming your face.  “You kind of are.”

“Shut up.”  You took another step towards him.  “I’m not.”

Cassian leaned down and you barely noticed that he was inches away, his warmth becoming your own.  “You’re very mean to me.”

“You’re very stupid.”

“See?”  He let out a small chuckle.  “That’s being mean.”

“It’s the truth.”

Cassian bumped his nose with yours and smiled.  There she is.

You jerked slightly, a whimper escaping you and Cassian’s entire body roared at the sound.  He closed whatever distance was left between your bodies and wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you to him and you let him.  Your mind was hazy all of sudden and you couldn’t speak or move, let alone stop looking at Cassian as he looked at you.  He always looked at you the same: with earnestness, like he was hiding nothing.  It made you feel ashamed because you were hiding so much and you felt your brows come together as you leaned back, away from him but his grip on you tightened and he placed his forehead on yours.

“Why do you keep leaving?”

Your body went rigid as his hand traveled up your back and cupped the back of your neck.  He repeated the question in your ear and you panted slightly.  What were you to say?  Were you to lay your truths bare and tell him everything?  

“I don’t know,” you whispered and you subconsciously arched your back as his nose moved up the side of your neck.

“I just don’t think that’s a good excuse anymore, Y/N.”

You shifted at his tone, thighs coming together; it was dark and husky with a hint of command.  He was doing nothing but he was doing everything all at once.  

“I know.”

Your purposeful avoidance wasn’t an excuse.  Especially not when you kept finding yourself in these situations with him, coming back to him each time.  It wasn’t fair to him.  He was too good and you didn’t deserve it.  Not after what you had done and you kept needing to remind yourself that.  Cassian would find out eventually, this you knew, so it was better to end it all now before it got too real and too messy.  

But you were already there with his lips on your neck and your hands in his hair and then he kissed you and you forgot it all.  You forgot about your sins and the horrors that kept you up at night.  You could only think about how good it felt to be in Cassian’s arms and how exhilarating it was to feel his need through the bond.  The bond became emboldened as Cassian walked you backwards into the wall and you could feel his arousal seeping into your body and you moaned into his mouth.

“I miss you,” he whispered against your lips and you gasped, his words lighting you on fire.  “Tell me you miss me, Y/N.”  

You did miss him.  Not just for these moments but you missed the way he made you laugh and how interested he was in everything you had to say.  You missed the way he’d sit on his desk, feet swinging, as he complained about something nonsensical, hands moving about in the air as he spoke.

“I-” your voice failed you as Cassian palmed your breast through your shirt and you groaned, cupping his face and kissing him hard.  You felt him smile and he pressed you against him further.

Indistinct voices grew nearer and both reluctantly tumbled out of each other’s grasp as the front door opened and Nesta walked in.

“-and that’s what I told her.”  She straightened as she narrowed her blue eyes on you and then Cassian and her lips turned upwards into a smirk.  “Hey guys.”

You blushed and tried to discreetly readjust your shirt.  “Hi Nesta.” 

Nesta gave Cassian a blank stare as she studied him and then snorted at the very obvious bulge in his pants.  Cassian just snarled at her and turned around, heading towards the living room, readjusting himself along the way.

Raquel gave you a big smile and wrapped her around you in a drunken hug, rocking you from side to side.  “I hope you don’t mind, but I did tell everybody I have videos from our band days.”  She said into your neck and when she pulled back her eyes narrowed on you slightly.  

“You smell like Cassian.”

You picked at the skin on your thumb as Raquel set up the camera to broadcast whatever she was going to play on the wall above the fireplace.  Rhysand was helping her, crouched over the silver device as they both bickered about what button would work to play the videos.

She’d pestered you as you helped her take her coat and shoes off about what happened with Cassian.  You’d brushed it off until she pointed out that your lipgloss was smeared and then you’d just huffed at her to leave you alone.

She didn’t though and she clung to you like a child when you followed the rest of the group back to the living room, everyone begging Raquel to play the videos in her camera of you and her and your friend group from school.

“Tell me what happened,” she hissed and you sucked your teeth at her.

“Stop it.”

“You smell like sex.”

“I didn’t have sex.”

“You were close to it.”

You turned to face her and contemplated pushing her off of you.  “I was not.”  She gave you a look and rolled her eyes and you hardened your stare.  “Raquel, please.  I do not want to talk about it.”

She gave you an odd look, a mixture of sympathy and pity and your stomach flipped.  You hated that look but it was one you had become familiar with over the years.  

She jerked her head towards the living room.  “Wanna embarrass ourselves in front of everybody?”

You frowned and glanced at the doorway and then at her.  “Not really.”

She smirked.  “Perfect.”

So, here you sat on the couch, the side of your thumb raw as the wall illuminated with artificial light and the group cheered.  You were barely worried about whatever would be in those videos; you were mortified about your moment with Cassian.  You kept telling yourself that nothing would happen, that nothing could keep happening and yet it kept happening.  You let him in, you let him eat lunch with you, you let him defend you, and you let him kiss and touch you like a starved animal.  And you loved every second of it.  You could feel his eyes on you now from across the room and you made a point to turn your body the other way and focus your attention on the wall, nodding absentmindedly to whatever Feyre was telling you.

Your head felt heavy but you weren’t drunk anymore.  Your skin was tight and it itched, and your body begged you to go back to Cassian, to tell him to meet you at some time and some place so you could have more time with him.  But you couldn’t be that selfish.  You couldn’t keep leading him on and making him believe that this would become more.  But the bond was changing you and you were becoming obsessed with needing more of him.

“Get that shit out of my face,” your voice sneered and your head shot up to see your face, set in a deep scowl, on the wall.  You swatted at the camera and Raquel laughed and dodged it, the camera swerving.

“You’re such a prude.”  She joked and panned the camera to the rest of the group.

You all were in your room, the rest of your friends scattered about.  Kristyn and Diana were laying on your bed, books and notebooks and pens scattered around them and Myra was sitting on the floor with a book in her lap.

You remembered this day.  You all had a big exam the following day and you all were stressed trying to study for it.

“We’re going to fail,” Kristyn spoke up as she turned the page in her notebook and started to scribble something down.

“Horribly so.”  Diana responded, shutting her book and laying it beside her.

“I think,” Myra clicked her tongue.  “We are fucked.”

“Royally.”  You heard yourself say and Raquel put the camera on you again as you laid your head on the desk.

The group that surrounded you now snickered and you shrank in your seat, leaning your head back into the cushion and Raquel sat next to you and put her legs on yours.

“You guys do realize," you muttered against your crossed arms, “if we fail this class we will be kicked off the team.”

“Fuck, I forgot about that.”  Raquel breathed behind the camera.  “I’m literally betting on this to get me a scholarship.”

The group muttered their agreements on the camera and you heard Feyre pipe up from beside you.  “What class was this for?”

“Calculus.”  Raquel responded, rubbing her face.  “It fucking sucked.  I still have nightmares about it.”

The video shifted again and the camera was being set down and you could see you all in your volleyball shoes.  This had been game day, you remembered.  This was the championship where the photo in your room had been taken.

“Ladies!”  Your coach’s voice boomed through the locker room.  “Five minutes and we’re out on the sand.”  Your teammates all verbally acknowledged him and soon they came into view for your huddle.

The screen cut to the game and you perked up as you heard your father shout your name, urging you on as you jumped up to hit the ball over the net, scoring a point.  The stands erupted in cheers, your father being the loudest and you smiled, hearing the sound and you felt your eyes pricked with tears.

Kristyn zoomed in on you as you wiped your face with your shirt and she screamed out, “lift up your shirt!”  You shot her a look from across the court and you sucked your teeth at her as you mouthed the word ‘stop’.

Mor laughed out loud and you breathed in deeply, closing your eyes.  You were tired of watching this.  Seventeen had not been good to you and you were worried you’d see your father in one of the shots and you would lose it.  The attack on Velaris had happened this year and any reminder of it and the consequences of it put a pit in your stomach that gnawed at your nerves.

The video kept playing, the team striking and hitting the ball, never letting it hit the ground until you struck it down and then turned around and screamed, the team rushing you and you all jumped in unison.  You’d won the championship again for the third year in a row.  Kristyn left the camera on the bench as she ran to your team and you all hugged each other.

“You know,” Lucien mumbled, eyeing you, “I always thought you were lying about playing volleyball.”

You shot him a look and raised an eyebrow.  “Why would I lie about that?”

He shrugged.  “Don’t know but I definitely thought it was a lie.”

You rolled your eyes and shifted in your seat.  “You’re ridiculous.”

Raquel shifted through the video showing different aspects of your lives together from times you were drunk, to petty arguments between you and Kristyn, and deep conversations in the night on the beach with Diana and Myra.  Elain gasped when she saw her rose bushes being crushed when you and Paula fell on them after walking home from a bar.  You remembered everyone freaking out the day after, remembering the incident and you all were certain that it was the High Lord’s house so you all vowed to never walk that side of the city again in case someone had seen it.  You shrank in your seat and Raquel and Nesta snickered beside you at the accusation and you attempted to defend the action by stating that had you known you would’ve picked another flower bed to face plant into.

After a few minutes you braved a glance to Cassian.  He’d been quiet the entire time, sitting in an armchair in the corner of the room.  He’d changed into more comfortable clothing; black sweatpants with a black shirt that you noticed was wonderfully tight on him.  He had his hand on his chin, covering his lips and he was rubbing his jaw back and forth slowly.  He was thinking, contemplating something as he watched the screen and you found yourself wondering what it was that he was thinking about; you could tell he wasn’t really paying attention because his eyes were unfocused, distant even.  Without turning his body, his eyes shifted to yours, catching your stare and you froze and your eyes widened slightly, and you felt like you’d been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing.  Your ears grew hot and you were sure their pointed tips were red.  You couldn’t break his stare and you watched as his eyes drifted down your body, studying it.  You suddenly felt exposed under his observation.

He noted your rigid posture, crossed legs, and tightly clasped hands that were placed in your lap.  His head tilted down and his eyes narrowed and you followed his gaze to your thigh where your garter still sat, snug against your skin.  With his eyes still fixated on it he shifted in his seat and you inhaled sharply.  You felt a twist in your gut, the bond shaking, like it was trying to get rid of something.  He looked back up at you and his eyes were dark with something that made you want to squirm in your seat but instead you let out a shaky breath and looked away, trying to focus on your breathing and steadying your rapid heartbeat.

The night ended soon after, Raquel proudly showing everyone a clip of you sitting at your piano, playing with the keys and trying to figure out a melody to something you’d written.  You and your friends had taken a music theory class thinking it would be about studying the history of music but instead the entire class focused on being musicians and artists.  It had been a surprise and one you hated but there were no other classes to take.  You all had formed a group and spent most of your days huddled around the piano coming up with songs about everything you could think of.

The room awed as you moved your fingers on the keys, mumbling lyrics and humming the tune to yourself and scribbling on the page in front of you, occasionally singing a bit louder to hear how it flowed.  You gripped your arm and placed your head in your hand and let out a heavy breath.  You needed to leave before this got even more embarrassing.  But Raquel squealed beside you, letting everyone know that this song was the one that helped you all pass the class and how you wrote every piece you had to present and sometimes perform.  You didn’t even open your eyes as you heard talking from the video, attempting to block it out and fast forward time until you could leave and you even contemplated never coming back.

“Still working on it?”  Diana asked, sitting next to you and you clicked your tongue, nodding.

“Almost done,” you breathed out and started again.  “I’m thinking,” you mused, shifting in your seat.  “That we should do a four song run.  Falling in love, staying together, doubts, and then heartbreak.”  You played a few more keys and looked at Diana.  “Thoughts?”

She shrugged.  “Sounds fine to me.”

You had been designated the songwriter of the group with everyone else pitching in every now and then.  You were the best read and more imaginative of the group and despite your inability to feel and experience emotions like everyone else, you were incredibly good at articulating them.

Before the entire song could be played, the screen went black and Elain pouted slightly.  “Aw, that was the best part.”

Raquel huffed and swung her legs to get up.  “I think it fucking died,” she said as she walked over to the camera and picked it up.  Studying it for a moment, she shrugged nonchalantly.  “Yeah, it’s dead.  Sorry guys.”

You breathed out a sigh of relief and looked up at the clock.  It was almost half past one and you looked at Raquel and nodded softly to the clock.  She looked and shrugged, silently agreeing that you should leave.  You moved to get up and Feyre shook her hand at you, grabbing your arm.

“No!  You guys should stay the night.  It’s late.”

You internally groaned and attempted a polite smile.  “It’s fine.  We’d hate to impose.”

“It’s not a big deal!  We have the room, anyway.”

Your eyes drifted to Raquel, pleading with everything in you and she gave you an apologetic look.  “It is late.”

“It’s not a big deal,” you repeated Feyre’s statement and looked at Raquel again, harder this time.  “Right?”

“No,” she clicked her tongue.  “I think it is.  We’ll just leave in the morning.”

“Awesome,” Feyre beamed and you tried not to hide your disappointment.

You hated not sleeping in your bed.  Most nights you couldn’t sleep even with your sleeping pills and most often than not when you did sleep, nightmares woke you up.  But you agreed and let Feyre show you your room and accepted night clothes with thanks and when the door shut you whirled around to face Raquel who was trying to take her shoes off.

“I fucking hate you, you know that?”  You seethed, throwing the clothes on the bed and began to undress.

“Shut up,” she grumbled and threw her bra at you.  “She literally offered.”

“Not only was the video embarrassing, we’re staying longer than I want to.”

“You’re making a bigger deal out of this than you should be.”

“I want to go home.”

“And we’ll go home in the morning.”  She got under the covers and patted the bed in invitation and you stomped over, crawling onto the bed.

“This is my worst nightmare.”  You huffed.  And then you looked at her, an exasperated look on your face.  “You do realize I work with these people right?”

She yawned and stretched, moving to grab you in what appeared to be an attempt at cuddling.  “Shut up.”

“Don’t touch me.”  You turned over and she laughed.

“They’re your friends.  I don’t think they care.  They even seemed to enjoy our shenanigans.”

You didn’t respond.  Instead you pulled the covers up some more and settled into the mattress.  You didn’t mind the Inner Court.  In fact you liked them and enjoyed being with them all.  They were fun and compassionate and easy to be around, but it was hard.  It was hard keeping up and fitting in and it was hard pretending to be somebody you weren’t.  What would they think of you if they knew the truth?  You were not a good person.  You were not deserving of their kindness and the fact made your chest hurt.

You woke up with a start, sweat sticking to your skin.  You panted as you looked around the room, trying to get your bearings.  You were at the River House; you were in the guest bedroom; Raquel was asleep beside you and her hand was tangled in your hair.  You took a deep breath and exhaled through your nose.  Your heart was pounding in your chest and every time you closed your eyes you could see your father screaming.  He was in the stands at your volleyball game and Hybern’s creature was on top of him.  You could see his flesh being torn apart and blood gushing on the sand, turning its pale beige color a bright crimson red.  You couldn’t move even though you were trying; you were stuck in your spot on the court, watching the scene unfold and it was just like that day.  You had moved but not fast enough and by the time you had gotten to him he was already choking on his blood and the light in his eyes was fading as he stared at the sky and then at you.  You woke up when the creature turned around, still hunched over his now lifeless body with blood dripping down its chin and it grinned at you before launching itself towards you.

You slithered out of bed as quietly as you could and rubbed your chest as you headed towards the door.  You needed to move and do something other than sit in the dark with your father’s death playing in your head.

Tiptoeing downstairs, you ran your hand along the walls leading to the kitchen.  The house was eerily quiet.  Everyone had gone to bed at the same time and it was evident it had stayed that way with the only sound being your feet padding on the rug that covered the floor.

You rounded the corner into the kitchen and jumped, letting out a gasp and an ‘oh!’  You covered your mouth and turned around, your hand on your chest.

Cassian chuckled behind you and crossed one foot over the other and took another sip of his water.

“Am I that scary?”  He asked after swallowing and you turned around and shook your head.

“No,” you laughed quietly.  “I just didn’t expect to see anyone awake.”

He was immersed in the darkness of the room.  He had one arm crossed across his chest with his other arm resting atop it and a glass of water in his hand.  He looked relaxed with eyes filled with sleep and his hair was slightly frizzy.

“Couldn’t sleep?”  You whispered.  You opened the cabinet and grabbed a glass and turned on the faucet, filling it halfway.

You could feel Cassian’s stare burning into your back but you tried to ignore it and act as normal as possible.  You tried to act like his hands hadn’t been roaming freely on your body hours prior or how you’d almost submit to him in every sense of the word.

“No.”  He shook his head even though you couldn’t see it.

He’d woken up minutes before you.  He’d dreamed of the attack on Velaris and even though he’d done well in the battle, leaving with a few scratches, in his dream he was surrounded.  There were at least ten of those foul creatures circling him and every time he turned around more appeared, leering at him with hideous grins.  Panic seized his body and he couldn’t move; all he could do was watch as they got closer until one by one they attacked him.  He fended them off but he became overwhelmed and he plummeted towards the ground and as he did he heard a female scream and right before he hit the ground he woke up.  

He’d only dream of the attack a few times but it wasn’t something that usually kept him up at night.  In fact, he hadn’t thought of it in years and he felt confused when he woke up; he tried to think why he would dream of it after so many years but he couldn’t.  And he also couldn’t shake the terror that was consuming him and he stumbled out of bed to escape it like it was laying beside him.

He made his way to the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets blindly, looking for something that would ease his mind and put him back to sleep.  But he couldn’t find anything and settled on a glass of water. 

He didn’t feel you wake up but he did hear you make your way down the steps and walk through the halls.  It could’ve been anyone making their way to the kitchen but somehow he knew it was you.  Maybe it was by the way you walked, timidly and slowly or the way his stomach turned as you got closer.  That’s why he wasn’t phased when you turned the corner.  In fact, he’d been expecting you.

“You couldn’t sleep either?”  He asked as he watched you sit at the table by the window, tucking a leg underneath you.

You shook your head in a sad way and you took a small sip of water, barely affecting how much was in the glass.  

“No,” you started.  “I don’t do that well sleeping anywhere besides my bed.”  

He could tell you were lying.  He couldn’t pinpoint how he knew, but it was something in the way you contemplated your words before speaking and mumbled the sentence like it was a tiredly rehearsed line.

He hummed in response and sat on the bench beside you and you shifted over slightly to give him room.

You had a heavy air about you and he watched you alternate between staring at the table, picking at the wood, and looking out the window.

“I bet,” he started and gave you a grin that you missed.  “You would’ve been able to sleep if I was there.”  His attempt at a flirtatious joke fell flat because you just laughed through your nose.

You responded a few minutes later, your voice soft.  “I’ve seen you sleep.  I’m not too impressed, I'm afraid.”  You looked up at him and the corners of your lips turned upwards slowly.  “I’m not too keen on being smothered.”

He laughed and bumped your shoulder and you let the movement jostle you.

“It’s not that bad.”

You rolled your eyes.  “You move too much.  I’m pretty sure you’d roll on me and kill me.”

“You’re lying.  I’ve slept in the same bed with Az and Rhys a bunch of times and I’ve never got a complaint.”  His wings flared out a few inches as he stretched his back and you stilled and shrank away.

“Extended periods of asphyxiation can cause memory loss,” you said dryly but you smiled to yourself when Cassian laughed again.

“Whatever.”

You two sat in silence for a few more minutes, occasionally taking a sip of your drinks.  The air was slightly awkward and tense with unspoken words floating above you, threatening to come crashing down and explode with truths that you weren’t ready to face.  

Cassian, however, faced them and he felt them on the tip of his tongue.  He wanted to ask you about earlier; you’d kissed him feverishly and it was all he could think about the entire night.  The way you cupped his face and forced him against you.  He knew you felt the same; you missed him too because he could feel it.  He felt you take in his statement and hold it close within yourself and he knew by the way you kissed him that that was your response.  You held back verbally but you were simply too physically expressive to hide your true feelings, so he took it; he’d take anything you gave him at this point.  He was too far in now; he was too in love and consumed by you even if you flitted around him.  He’d wait, this he decided early on when he’d met you even before the bond snapped.  There was something about you that he couldn’t move on from.  Your critical gaze captivated him and the way you silently observed everything intrigued him.

Cassian broke the silence as he usually did by saying that you had a pretty voice.

You laughed through your nose, shaking your head.  “You can never sit in silence can you?”  You looked up at him and he grinned at you.  His eyes were bright despite the dark room and the green in them called to you so much that you instinctively leaned up closer to him.

“Not really,” he whispered.

“You should work on that.”

He hummed and cocked his head to the side.  “I don’t think I will.”

“Pity.”  

You tucked your other leg beneath you and sighed.  You turned the glass and watched the moonlight’s reflection cast a silver glow on the table.

“Will you play something for me?”  Cassian hadn’t stopped looking at you even when you turned your head back to face the table.  He couldn’t stop especially when he could feel something was wrong with you.

He was surprised when you entertained his question.  “Like?”

He shrugged.  He hadn’t thought this far because he assumed you would immediately shut him down.

“You mentioned you had four songs in the video.  Maybe one of those.”

“There’s not a piano here.”

He gave you a smirk when you looked up at him.  “Yes there is.”

Cassian led you to a room you’d never been before.  The back wall was all glass windows that looked out onto the back lawn and the sea beyond it.  The waves could be heard as they crashed on the rocks at the base of the hill and the moon was positioned in the center of the sky, filling the room with light.  It hit the piano in the middle of the room and you gasped quietly at the sight.

It was a grand piano and it looked like it had been barely used.  It was a dark mahogany color and the strings underneath the hood were taunt and clean.  You plucked one and hummed contemplatively at the rich sound.  

“It’s for Elain and Nesta.  They’re musically inclined.”  He said it like it wasn’t true and you laughed quietly.

You ran your fingertips atop the piano and your fingers came back clean; there was no dust or handprints and you couldn’t even fathom how nobody had used it until it broke.

“Do they use it often?”  You asked, turning around to face Cassian and he shook his head.

He was sitting on the couch opposite of you.  He’d been watching you the entire time, admiring how you were admiring the instrument.  You inspected it like a professional, nodding ever now and then as you peered at it.  You played a few keys and he saw the corners of your lips curl into an amused smile and the darkness that was following you became a little lighter.

“So?”  He leaned against the cushion and gestured towards the piano.  “Are you going to play me something?”

You blushed and placed your hands in front of you as you sat on the bench, facing him.

“I don’t know.  I haven’t played in a while,” you admitted.

He looked at you like he didn’t believe you.  “You made it.  You have to remember it.”

And you did.  You remembered every piece you composed and every lyric you’d written.  You even still had the notebook where you’d written everything.  It looked beat up with how much you’d used it to the point that the edges of it had frayed and the spine had come loose.

Cassian got up suddenly and within a few long strides he was in front of you, taking a seat beside you.  He spun around and looked at you expectantly and you felt your face flush again.  This was embarrassing.  It had taken you weeks to play and sing in front of your friends; singing in front of him was out of the question.

“I won’t look,” he whispered and turned his head away from you and you let out a laugh.

“This is embarrassing,” you muttered but turned around and placed your hands on the keys.

You stroked them gently and took a deep breath.  “Which one?”

“All of them preferably.”

You snorted and rolled your eyes.  “You get two.”

He sighed and his shoulders slumped.  “Fine,” he said with a mocking tone.  “Do the falling in love one and the doubt one.”

You groaned and you saw him shake with a chuckle.  But you found yourself obliging as you started to play the song but before you could open your mouth Cassian spoke.

“What’s it called?”

You kept playing and smiled to yourself.  It was an ironic title given the connection you had to him now and you shifted in your seat, feeling more awkward than you were before.  

“Invisible string,” you finally admitted.

You didn’t notice Cassian turning around to look at you.  You had your eyes closed and the piano was loud enough where you didn’t hear the bench creak under his shifting weight and you were too absorbed in the melody to feel him come closer; you also didn’t notice his wing curl around you or the way you scooted closer to him.

“A string that pulled me out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar, something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire, chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons, one single thread of gold tied me to you…”  Cassian sucked in a breath but you kept going.

“Time, wondrous time, gave me the blues and then purple pink skies, and it's cool, baby, with me, and isn't it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me?”

Your fingers delicately played one key at a time, ascending in pitch and then you abruptly stopped and put your hands back in your lap.  You looked up at Cassian and his eyes were wild as they looked into yours and his lips were slightly parted.

“So?”  Your eyes were wide with an almost innocent look and Cassian licked his lips and smiled.

“You owe me another one,” was all he responded with.  

He couldn’t stop wondering if you’d written that song knowing that a thread did tie you to somebody–to him.  Had you felt it when you walked through the streets and he was somewhere nearby?  Did you ever look at the House of Wind because something called to you?  He’d never felt that until he met you but he knew, from Feyre and Rhysand, that it was there whether or not it was realized.

You snorted and turned back around.  You didn’t bother to tell him to not look at you; part of you wanted him to see you.

You pressed the keys for a minute before you started again.  This one was sad and you remembered crying when you wrote it.  Everyone craved to be loved, even you, but you knew it would probably never happen.  You weren’t built for that kind of life.  You didn’t understand the appeal of being in love; you’d seen your friends in and out of relationships and the emotional turmoil they went through always seemed so trivial.  But what you wanted the most was somebody who understood you; you wanted to be seen and heard and you wanted somebody that you could spend your time with without having to try.

“And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches, give you my wild, give you a child, give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other, family that I chose now that I see your brother as my brother, is it enough?”

You took an unsteady breath, your exhale was even shakier. 

“But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west, I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best, but the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me…But I would die for you in secret, the devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me, would it be enough if I could never give you peace?”

You didn’t play with the keys this time.  You let your hands drop from the keys and you listened to the noise slowly dissipate until there was nothing but silence.  You put your lips to the side and picked at the skin on your thumb and looked up at Cassian again.  He looked more composed this time and you searched his face for some kind of response or emotion but he was unreadable which was unusual because normally you could figure him out even if he tried to hide it.

“What?”  You asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

Without a word, he moved a strand of hair from your face, tucking it behind your ear.  His eyes were deep in thought as they looked in your eyes and then around your face and back into your eyes.  His hand lingered on the side of your face before cupping it gently and you leaned into it with a quiet sigh.

“It’s enough.”  He matched your tone and his eyes shifted and you could now see the sincerity in them.  They were honest and open; he was telling the truth.

A strangled noise crept up your throat and your bottom lip quivered before your lips turned downwards.

“It’s not,” you responded.  You made a move to slip from his hold but he pressed his hand into your face firmly and his face became hard, determined.

“It is.”

“I should go.”  But you didn’t move.  You let him look at you and hold you and your chest exploded with warmth and it traveled down your body and you moved with it.  Your skin grew tight and you sighed at the sensation.  

It was happening again.  He was taking hold of you again, capturing you in his orbit and you were defenseless.  You couldn’t escape it.  And you didn’t want to even though you knew you should.  You should tell him that this was it and you should leave.  You had to save him from the truth and the eventual hatred he’d feel for you.  You rather him be upset with you than hate you; you didn’t think you’d survive if he looked at you with contempt.

His thumb stroked your cheek and even though you tried to fight it, your eyes fluttered closed and you leaned into his touch some more.  He was warm and strong and comforting.  You were safe and content.  The thought brought you a sense of relief.  He loved you in the way you’d always wanted.  He let you be; he celebrated you; and he loved you.

“Please don’t.”  Cassian’s voice called out to you and you opened your eyes and he didn’t hide his longing.  His chest rose and fell hard and you itched to place your hand on it and feel his heartbeat.  But there was no reason to because you could feel it thrum inside of you.

Your brows came together, fighting your instincts.  But you lost like every other time and this time you couldn’t even be mad about it.

“Okay,” was all you said and a flower of gratitude bloomed in your chest.

You weren’t sure how it happened or the sequence of events that led to it or how long it took for it to happen but it did because soon after Cassian’s lips were on yours and your hand was cupping his jaw.  His lips worked against yours flawlessly and you couldn’t help the moan that you fed him and it happened again when he pulled you closer by threading his fingers in your hair and sliding his tongue in your mouth.

You slung your arm around his neck and pulled him closer so you were chest to chest.  There was nothing more you wanted than to feel him on you and to become intertwined with him in every possible way.

“Fuck it,” Cassian rasped and hoisted you into his lap, eliciting a gasp from you.  With a hand on the small of your back and the other still in your hair, he skillfully got up and made his way to the couch.  

He placed you down and you scooted backwards until your head rested on a pillow and Cassian crawled over you and settled himself in between your legs that you were quick to wrap around him again.

You broke the kiss to let out another gasp when he rolled his hips against yours and Cassian gripped the armrest.  He held it so tightly he worried it would break but he needed to hold on to something to keep him grounded.  He felt like he was going to explode; it was unexplainable the amount of desire that was flowing through him as he nipped at your bottom lip and gripped your waist.  It was over for him; he’d known it for so long but he knew it now more than ever.  He’d never felt this way before and it threatened to tear him to pieces.  He didn’t know what he was going to do with all of these emotions running through him.  It fueled him, gave his heart a reason to keep beating and when you arched against him and whispered his name he found another reason to keep living.

He felt you drag your leg up his side and he remembered how you’d done the exact same thing at Starfall and he gripped your thigh like he had done then.  He bit your lip and pulled back, bringing it with him and you cried out.  You ran your hands down his back and your fingers barely grazed his wing but that didn’t stop Cassian from rutting his hips against you.

“Don’t,” he growled and he watched you let out a breathy laugh and look at him again.

You both looked at each other, panting while your eyes looked over your faces like you were searching for a mutual agreement of some kind.  A gleeful grin spread across your face and Cassian watched your eyes light up and then he felt the most pleasure he’d ever felt in his life.

You delicately touched the biggest spine on his wing and then the membrane like flesh beside it and Cassian’s groaned, his eyes closing.  He placed his forehead on yours and you watched him curse your name as you rubbed small, tight circles.  Illyrian wings were sensitive by nature and one touch could set him off but the spot you rubbed now, and how you knew that was it he didn’t know, made his face flush and his head pound.  His gut tightened and he moaned as you pressed harder.  If you kept this up you’d bring him to the edge and kick him off of it.

“Y/N,” he breathed out and you sucked in a breath at the way he said your name.  

His hips kept moving against you, pressing against your pelvis and it helped that the thin fabric of your shorts let you feel him, all of him against where you needed him the most.  You held him close and dug your heel into his back, keeping him pressed against you and you groaned as he rolled his hips again.

Suddenly he straightened and put distance between you, using his arm for support.

“I will take you now if you keeping doing that, I swear to the fucking gods.”

You gasped and ceased what he could only call torture but you didn’t move your hand.  You stared at him for a few moments and then shyly smiled, putting your arm behind you and sliding it under his, interlocking your fingers.

“Okay.”  You took your bottom lip in between your teeth, hiding your grin and Cassian could only shake his head.

He leaned back down and kissed you gently once and then again a little longer.  His nose trailed down your neck and then up and you whined for more contact.

“You’re going to be the death of me, you know that right?”

You giggled and shifted beneath him.  Your only response was to turn your head and capture his lips again and he let you guide him back to you.  He let you take control this time and you had no problem doing so as you kissed him in a way that made Cassian lose his mouth and when you claimed his mouth with your tongue Cassian moaned.  You bucked underneath him at the sound and he slid his hand up your shirt and he nearly cried when he realized you weren’t wearing a bra.

He made a move to take off your shirt and you shook your head.  You placed his hand back under your shirt, on your breast instead and he took the hint, swiping his finger over your peaked nipple before palming your breast.

“Yes,” you breathed out as he toyed with the waistband of your shorts and you said it again when he slipped his hand inside.

With no interruptions this time, Cassian brought you to the edge quickly and you could see the waves below, crashing against the rocks, beckoning you to join them.  Each wave grew stronger and larger until you felt its sprays on your skin.  Cassian stood in front of you, his hand tangled in your hair and his other hand pressed against your chest and he gave you a cruel smile when he pushed you over the edge and into the water.

You didn’t mean to scream when it happened and Cassian quickly covered your mouth, talking you through it which only made it worse.  You squeezed your legs together but that didn’t stop him.  He kept his pace, his fingers continuously curling inside and his thumb rubbing your clit.

You could feel your heartbeat on and in your skin and in your ears and head, especially in between your legs.  You looked at Cassian, pleading with him.

Please, your voice was weak in his mind and it cracked, breaking into a cry when you asked him for it again.  You didn’t want to come back to the surface; you wanted to stay beneath the waves, tumbling in its current and Cassian obliged, pulling you farther from the surface.

But you’d already proven you could be as wicked as him because while he took his turn to claim your mouth, you resumed your touching of his wing and he inhaled sharply but you kept going.  You found the right pace and pressure that made Cassian loll his head into the crook of your neck.

You tightened your legs around his waist as another shockwave moved through you and you moaned loudly, pressing your head into the pillow.  You quickened your pace and smiled when Cassian let out a loud ‘shit.’  Wrapping your arm around his neck, you lifted yourself up and held him close.  Your body rocked with each thrust of his fingers and you felt your legs shake as your breathing quickened into loud, hard pants.  He’d kept you in the waves long enough that now you knew you were going to drown and you didn’t even try to save yourself.

“C–Cass,” you tangled your fingers in his hair and squeezed your eyes shut.  Your hips twitched and you came again, your head rolling back and you moaned his name over and over.

Cassian held you, supporting you but suddenly his grasp on you tightened and you could feel the muscles in his arms flex against your shirt.  His stomach tightened and heaved and he whimpered into your neck.  Normally he would’ve been embarrassed by such a sound but you were driving him crazy and he was close but he didn’t stop you and soon he followed you over the cliff’s edge.

“Fuck,” he grunted and you kissed him, taking in his every noise.  He broke away and pressed his forehead against yours.  “Fuck.”  And then he came.  Hard enough that his body shook with it and he gritted his teeth to keep from letting the world know.  He didn’t want anyone to know and not because it was shameful but because this moment was yours to share.  And as he spilled into his pants, his breathing becoming ragged he couldn’t stop thinking it and letting you hear it.  

I’m yours.

Cassian collapsed on top of you, his forehead still pressed against yours and his arm wrapped around your back and he retrieved his hand and let it rest on the side of your thigh.  His attempts at steadying his breathing were futile and he couldn’t stop quivering on top of you but that didn’t bother him because you were shaking too and your chest heaved so forcefully it was moving him up and down.

You laid there for a moment, trying to gather your thoughts.  You were on a different planet, maybe even a different universe.  Your head was spinning and your mind was thick like you were standing in a pool of syrup, stuck in place.

Cassian opened his eyes and watched you for a moment.  Your eyes were closed and your lips were slightly parted and he was pleased to see just how unraveled you were.  You’d come undone in a beautiful way and he’d watched the thing from the way your eyes rolled into the back of your head and your back arched off the couch and your scream, although short lived, was music to his ears.  And that’s why he kept going; he needed to hear it again and again and no matter how many times you finished he couldn’t get enough and it was clear that neither could you because you asked, pleaded, and begged for more.

You opened your own eyes slowly and it took a few moments for your vision to focus and see Cassian already looking at you.  You gave him a wide, lazy smile and touched his face, rubbing your thumb along his cheek bones.  Then you tucked his hair behind his ear, like he’d done earlier, your smile never faltering.

Neither of you spoke.  You basked in a comfortable silence that you hadn’t enjoyed in so long.  That was one thing you enjoyed and appreciated about Cassian.  Despite his tendencies to fill the air with noise, he did know when to just sit with you.  Sometimes it’d be when you were working, each of you in your own bubble; sometimes it was when you strolled the city together, window shopping and mentally listing all the places you could eat for lunch even though you ended up at the same restaurant each time.

“I love you.”

Cassian’s voice broke you from your thoughts and you focused on him again.  Even though you had been lost in your mind, weaving in between your memories you heard him clearly.  You stroked his face, tracing his features with your finger moving from his jawline to the bridge of his nose and along his brow.  And when you had memorized the lines of his face for the millionth time, you sat up and gave him a tender and slow kiss.

“I know.”

taglist: @thecraziestcrayon | @rcarbo1 | @azrielsshadows42 | @faridathefairy

[bldhrry]

keep opening tiktok like it's not banned

[bldhrry]

The Brute and The Scholar

Chapter Eleven | imgonnagetyouback Cassian x Fem!Reader Previous Chapter | Next Chapter Series Masterlist | General Masterlist

word count: 8.1k

warnings: alcohol, cursing, violence

author's note: school is back to haunt me </3. i'll work on this as much as i can on the weekends, lmk what you think!

You all decided to meet at the bar in an hour and you trudged home to change.  You were in no mood to party and be in the same vicinity with Cassian.  No matter how much you ignored him you couldn’t shake the feeling of him all over you.  Like his hands were continuously running up and down your arms and he was pressed up behind you.  It was suffocating in the worst way possible.  You assumed ignoring the bond would make it go away but it only seemed to make it stronger like it was purposely defying you.

It knocked around, twisting itself in circles and knots trying to reach out to him and you were able to hide behind it, letting it be without pushing forth any emotion or image.  You knew that it worked like that; it was an open ended tunnel to the other person as they were tied to your soul in some cruel, sadistic torturous scheme.  They knew everything without trying and it took every ounce of strength to make sure he didn’t know you.

The outfit you wore to the house was not bar attire: a corduroy red skirt with a thin belt and a thin white turtleneck sweater that you tucked in with black tights and ankle boots.  You kept the layered gold necklaces you were wearing and the small gold hoop earrings but opted for a long sleeved black sheer top with a pink crocheted crop top with holes that went just below the curve of your breast.  Underneath your black skirt you wore a pink garter around your thigh that was hooked to the shorts you were wearing underneath the skirt with high top sneakers.

“Looks good,” Raquel smirked at you as she tossed her hair over her shoulder and put in an earring she was borrowing from you.  

You smudged your lip liner before applying a dark nude gloss and grinned.  “This is what I would usually wear when we used to go out.”

“I know.  You just look different.”  She fluffed her hair out and turned to look at you fully.  “You look more confident.  Like,” she puckered her lips and glanced around your body.  “Like you know what’s going on.”

You hummed in response.  Ironically you didn’t know what she meant.  But you were trying, in general.  Trying to fit in and be like everyone else and be on their level even if sometimes you felt and even knew you were faking it.  But you knew a life of solitude because of fear and anxiety and cues that were lost to you was not sustainable.  You didn’t deserve a lot and you probably didn’t deserve the life you currently had with people around you who seemed to care for you unconditionally.  Your father always told you he didn’t expect much; he didn’t expect for you to be great and succeed but he did expect you to try.

There was a knock at the door and you and Raquel turned to look at your open bedroom door, exchanging a confused look.

“I thought we were meeting at the bar.”  You muttered, mentally recalling the conversation planning tonight’s escapade.

“I’ll go down and see who it is,” Raquel announced, heading downstairs.  She had on a blue satin dress with thin straps and a cropped cardigan that was the same color and material as the dress.  She’d opted for sneakers too for the sake of being comfortable.

You nodded and began filling your clutch with whatever you could find that you could need that night.

“Oh, hey guys!”  You heard her say and you decided then to take what you had and headed for the stairs.

Keeping your eyes on each descending step you didn’t notice the male voices that filled the foyer or the boots that came into view as you neared the landing but when you saw two sets of Illyrian wings at your door you stilled on the last step, one foot inches from the floor.

Azriel nodded to you in greeting, never faltering in his conversation with Cassian who had his hands in his pockets.  You saw him shrug and with the fall of his shoulders his wings grazed your wooden floors.

You had no idea why either of them were here.  This wasn’t the plan and nobody ever informed you that these two, especially him, would be inside your home.  Aggravation moved through you and Cassian stiffened at the sensation, turning around slowly at its source.

“What are you guys doing here?”  You said through gritted teeth.  You placed your foot back on the step in an attempt to be at eye level with them.

Azriel had an amused look in his eyes at your tone and Cassian narrowed his eyes not at you but on your chest then at your stomach and finally the garter on your left thigh.  He sucked in a breath and his wings inched forward.

“What,” he matched your seething tone and stared you in the eyes, “are you wearing.”

Your jaw dropped slightly in surprise at the question.  “Clothes.”  You crossed your arms and finished your descent and brushed past him to grab your coat by the door.

He scoffed and his eyes followed you.  The skirt was short, too short, and he knew if you bent over you’d be entirely exposed.  Cassian tried to bite his tongue and let you be.  He had no right to police what you were wearing but his resolve slipped and he gritted his teeth.  “Barely.”

Your head snapped around, your eyes blazing in fury and defiance.

There she is.  

Raquel and Azriel had taken a step back to let you two figure it out.  Both were entirely too entertained by the interaction.

“Excuse me?  You do not get to come into my home and disrespect me.”  You huffed as you put the coat on and tossed your hair.  “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Your mate.”  Cassian sneered before he could even think about it.

The world seemed to stop moving and you felt yourself grow cold as all the air in your body escaped you and you opened and closed your mouth, trying to think of something to say but you couldn’t.  How dare he throw that in your face like it was a deciding factor in any aspect of your life.  An apologetic look swept across his face.  He didn’t mean to say it and he shouldn't have.  It was just incredibly unfortunate that his emotions, particularly his possessive nature, got the best of him.

You ran your tongue over your teeth and gave him a bitter laugh, eyes flicking up and down his body is feign dismal.  “That means nothing to me.”

Raquel whistled lowly.  “Damn.”

Azriel didn’t even move and his face didn’t either but his eyes were trained on Cassian whose own face was shifting with a million emotions from disappointment to defeat and finally settled on anger.

“What did you just say?”

Cassian and you hadn’t had it out yet about the mating bond.  Not entirely.  Conversations were cut short by tears and screams or by deciding that sitting in silence was better than addressing the situation.  But now it was bubbling over.  You were tired of its existence and Cassian was tired of you rejecting him especially when he knew you were faking it.  Call him arrogant for assuming so but he knew, deep within him, that this was all a ruse, a facade that you were keeping up like everything else in your life.  You pretended endlessly to not care about him, to not want him, to not want anything besides knowledge and success.

You pushed yourself off the wall and opened the door.  “We’re going to be late.”  

Raquel and Azriel followed suit silently but Cassian walked past them both and headed straight for you.  He was not giving up this time.  You were not going to walk away from him again.

“Y/N.”  He called out to you and like the night of Starfall you waved him away.

“Should we stop them?”  Raquel whispered to Azriel and he shrugged.

“Maybe we should let them talk it out.”

“I don’t think they’ll talk.  I’m not sure if you guys know this but she like, knows how to fight.  She might, you know, hurt him.”

A ghost of a smile spread on Azriel’s lips.  “I think it’s fine.”

“Y/N, come back here.  What the fuck did you say?”  He caught up to you and grabbed your wrist, spinning you around.

“You heard me.  Did I fucking stutter?”  You shoved him and he barely moved.

Even though there was physical evidence of his rage from the hard and fast rise and fall of his chest and his relentless grip on your wrist, his eyes were incredibly sad.  “Are you serious?”

“I’ve been serious.”  You wiggled out of his hold.  “You just don’t listen.  I’ve been telling you I don’t want it and I don’t want you-”

“Don’t fucking say that.  You don’t mean it.”

“If I don’t mean it then why do I say it?  Do you think I would lie for the hell of it?”

“Yeah,” he laughed.  “I think you would and I think you do.  There’s something wrong with you, you know.  It’s like you-”

“You do not get to judge me.”  You growled through gritted teeth.  He knew nothing.  He didn’t know you or what you’d been through, the things you’d done to make you deserve the depravity that you put yourself through.  But you weren’t going to indulge him; he didn’t need to know.  The only thing he needed to know was to leave you alone indefinitely, forever.  “Just because I’m not affected by your charm doesn’t mean something is wrong with me.”

“Not affected?”  He gave you a cocky grin and took one step towards you, one of the many you’d taken back from him since he’d caught up to you.  “And all the times we’ve been together?  So close,” another step and you froze, the air shifting around you.  “Our lips inches apart, my hands on you, in you.”  He nearly purred, closing the distance and cupping your face.  “And you’re not affected?”

You swallowed and opened your mouth, trying to find the right words to hurt him, push him away.  He needed to learn, he needed to accept that this was the reality.  This couldn’t be because if it did it would end anyway once he knew.  He’d never be with someone who could hurt their own family.

“No.”  You breathed out and tried not to close your eyes as his hand moved to the back of your neck, toying with the air at the nape of your neck.  

He fisted your hair slightly and your body betrayed you as you gasped and your eyes fluttered closed.  Cassian leaned his head down, grazing his nose up your jaw.  “When you were screaming my name?”

Heat pulsed through you and you fought the whimper that threatened to leave your lips.  “I never did that.”

You peeked at through your lashes and he and was looking at you the same way he had during Starfall.  His eyes were dark and pupils blown and the air around you vibrated.  The bond was tight in your gut, singing a song that rang in your ears so loud you could hear nothing but its melody.  Its beat was strong, dictating the rhythm of your heart.  It flowed and ebbed between you and Cassian, dancing along the bond that you could see so clearly in your mind; it was solid gold that sprinkled glitter that floated around it, making it look mystical and even magical.  It was a bridge between your soul and his, leaving you bare and exposed to his relentlessness.

“Have me.”  He requested quietly and a strangled noise erupted from your throat.

“I can’t do this. I-”

“Have me.” 

“No.”  You shook your head, and stepped back.  You felt his hand shift from its position in your hair and you missed its warm contact but you let it fall anyway.

You turned on your heel and left and Cassian followed a few paces behind silently.  By the time Azriel and Raquel caught up you two had already separated and were nearing the door of the bar.

Rita’s was packed.  Lights flooded the bar, switching between red, green, blue, purple, and orange in no particular pattern or beat and the bass pounded against your ribs.  Drunk bodies pressed against you and you struggled to move past them as you searched for the rest of your group.  You wished Cassian had walked in front of you so he could part through the crowd more easily but you braved the sea of sweaty bodies that were passing whatever liquid on their bodies onto your clothes as you mumbled ‘excuse me’ over and over; you really hoped it was all just sweat.

You needed a drink.  You badly needed one.  Cassian and his stupid face and stupid aura always made you weak and you had nearly crumpled when he gripped your hair and reminded you of the mess he’d made of you on that stupid balcony.  He was right; you were affected by him.  Even his scent could cloud your mind and you were suddenly hypnotized by his all encompassing presence.  Sometimes the knowledge that he was yours, cosmically so, made you swoon like some girl and not the adult that you were trying to be.

Have me.  Cassian’s plea rang through your mind and every time you heard it, his voice raspy and deep and his eyes boring into yours, claiming you even if he didn’t know it, heat pooled in your thighs.  It was so uncomfortable and it made your skin crawl.  

You shrugged off your coat at the booth and gave everyone an appeasing smile as you slid in besides Amren.  The rest of the group soon followed with Cassian stalking towards the table like it did something to him and Azriel and Raquel deep in conversation that consisted of her yelling into his ear over the loud music.

“What are you drinking?”  Feyre shouted from across the table.  She was nestled into Rhysand who had his arm slung over her shoulders and his hand was playing with the ends of her hair.

“I’ll just have a margarita.  Classic is fine.”  You shouted back and she nodded eagerly, telling Rhysand who got up to order the drink from the bar.  On his way he got Cassian, Raquel, and Azriel’s drink before they too squeezed into the booth.  Raquel sat beside you and Cassian and Azriel sat across from you.  Cassian leaned back in his seat, adjusting his pants and poked his tongue into his cheek, studying you and you avoided his stare.  You distracted yourself by asking Mor what you’d miss and she filled you in on what everyone had talked about.  

Amren was visiting Varian soon, Elain and Lucien had decided to permanently move into the townhouse, Nesta complained about Azriel’s boxers ending up in her laundry which ruined most of her white clothes, and Mor had no updates besides the new lovers she’d taken since the last time she had talked about it.  You barked a laugh at that and she smirked.

“You ever been with anybody?”  You gave Mor a quizzical look and she continued.  “You know, like dated or fucked?”

You blushed and laughed nervously.  “Not really.”  You averted your eyes to avoid the judgement you were sure you’d see in her eyes.  A twenty something year old who’d just recently began to dabble in the world of males.  It was pathetic and embarrassing and it was your fault.  You rejected every advance and never felt anything for anyone.  It was utterly lonely but how could you act on something you didn’t feel?

“Oh!”  Mor was surprised.  “Nobody ever caught your eye?”  She sipped her drink and so did you, your cheeks hot.

“No.”  You sheepishly admitted.

“Ah,” you noticed she glanced at Cassian quickly.  “It’s overrated anyway!”  She shouted as the music swelled around you.

You laughed again.  “Yeah, I figured.”

The rest of the night was like that: shouting at each other over the music until your throat was sore and accepting drink after drink from whoever handed you a salt rimmed cup until you forgot Cassian’s touch on you and his hot words in your ear.

“Fuck,”  Raquel put her drink down and waved her hand at you.  “This is the song!”

You gave her a confused look and then listened, the realization that this was in fact your favorite song and you screamed.  “No way!”

She grabbed your arm and pulled you out of the booth and without thinking you grabbed Mor to join you and the rest of the females followed.  The males stayed behind to watch and ensure the room knew that the group of females dancing came heavily protected.  Cassian watched you closely and you could feel his stare on your back as you jumped to the music and held on to Raquel as you both swung your hips in unison.

You leaned your head back onto her shoulder and let her hold you.  The music thrummed around you and it had been so long since you’d listened to any form of music or created your own.  You hadn’t even looked at the piano your father had gifted you when you were fifteen.

“He’s watching you know.”  She whispered in your ear and you didn’t need to look to see who he was.  “Did you guys talk it out?”

You laughed.  “Fuck no. I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him.”

You could feel her disappointment envelop you.  “He really cares, you know.  It’s genuine.  I thought at first that maybe-”

“Stop.”  You swung around and wrapped your arms around her neck, tossing your head side to side to the song.  “I don’t care!  I’m having fun.  Don’t ruin it.”  Raquel laughed and jumped with you and agreed and suddenly the conversation was lost in the sound waves.

Cassian didn’t know you could move like that.  You had rhythm and your hips moved side to side and then in a circle to the music and he was growing dizzy from watching you for the past fifteen minutes.  You were back in your previous position with Raquel behind you and your head on her shoulder, saying something to her and she was laughing.  Cassian would do anything to feel you move on him like that.

“Did you talk with her?”  Azriel’s quiet voice crept up behind him and Cassian jumped, regrettably looking away from you to his brother.  

Cassian pursed his lips and shook his head.  “If you can even call it talking.”  He was drunk, enough that he swayed when he shifted in the booth and his vision was blurred at the edges.

Azriel sucked at his teeth quietly.  “You have to stop pushing her.”

“I can’t.  I don’t know how.”  Cassian let out a breath and sucked at his bottom teeth.  “I haven’t left her in 8 months.  How am I supposed to now?”  Cassian felt defeated and he finished his drink to wash the feeling away.  It crept up on him like some foul creature, reminding him he was losing you no matter what he did.  And the more he tried the more you pulled back.  He saw you growing more desperate to fully detach and you were getting closer because now instead of confliction swimming in your eyes it was anger shooting him daggers that pierced away the hope he had that this would work out and you would love him.

Azriel had no solace to give him.  No promise that it would be alright and you’d take him.  Because he didn’t know.  Azriel had always been able to read people and figure out their motives and desires, wants and needs, but you, he had not yet been able to decipher that.  Your mask was better than his but it was not to hide but it was to perform, to survive.  It allowed you to be in the group and interact.  It wasn’t there to scheme and plot, something he’d worried about and brought up to Rhysand when you first started that Fall.  He soon realized that you were just odd.  Nothing more to it.

Cassian turned back to look at you and he growled.  Your skirt had been riding up all night and now it was even higher than before.  Every now and then he saw a flash of skin that only the previous week he had in his hands.  “Fucking hell,” he made a move to get up and Azriel grabbed his arm.

“Speak to her about her outfit again and I promise you she will take your head.”

Cassian brushed him off and stood up, shifting the table with the force of his movement.  Rhysand called out after him, shouting that it was a bad idea.  As weird as you were, you had a temper and an incredibly sharp tongue.

Cassian moved through the crowd towards you, the siphons on his hands glowed with power and the crowd parted for him as he made a beeline for you.  Raquel saw him coming and smirked at him before sliding away from you.  You didn’t even notice.  You lost count how many drinks you had after the seventh so for all you knew you could’ve been on the dance floor alone.

Cassian sneaked up behind you and snaked an arm around your waist and with his other hand he yanked your skirt down.

“Hey!”  You shouted and swatted behind you.  “The fuck are you doing?”

Cassian tightened his hold on your waist and was surprised to see that you didn’t stop dancing.  “Your entire ass is out.”  He whispered in your ear through gritted teeth.

You laughed and leaned your head back and looked up at him.  “So?”

He scoffed.  “So?  You want everyone to see that shit?”

Your eyes were glossy as you looked at him and you grinned.  “Jealous?”

Yes, he growled through the bond and your eyes widened slightly as a possessive sensation made its way into you, warming you more than you already were.

Your grin widened.  “Don’t care.”  You closed your eyes and interlaced your fingers with his and moved against him as the song slowed down.

You were ridiculously intoxicating tonight.  Sexy and beautiful with your shirt riding up and your breast more round than usual.  Your makeup made your eyes sultry and whatever you’d done to your lips made them look fuller.  He was more drunk than he was before he’d come here.  The sight of you was enough to make him drop to his knees.  He pulled your skirt back down and you grinded against him and he hissed.

“What’s your deal tonight?”  You shouted up to him and he met your eyes.  Your grin hadn’t left your face this entire time and it was lazily spread across your lips.

“My deal is,” he leaned down and you wrapped your arm around his neck, feeling his free hand trail up your side.  “I don’t want anything to see what is mine.”

You let out a breathy laugh.  “You touched me once and suddenly I’m yours?  If that’s the rule then who knows, maybe I belong to a few here.”

Your eyes were sparkling now, playful and defiant, teasing him and Cassian was not in the mood to play.  “That’s not fucking funny, Y/N.”

“Who said I’m joking?”

Cassian had always assumed you had never done a single thing in your entire life.  You didn’t seem like the one to color outside of the lines so it made a lot of sense that you’d never had a boyfriend much less done anything remotely sexual.  Maybe a kiss here and there which every time he thought about it he’d take it out on the wooden dummy in the training ring.  But he eventually made peace with the fact you had a life before him like he had one before you.

“You’re not funny.”

You hummed and tangled your fingers in his hair.  “Never said I was.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth.”  Cassian was growing angrier by the second, the mere thought of someone touching you even in passing made his blood boil.  There was no way anyone else could have brought you to the edge like he did.  There could be no one else who could have made you moan like he had with just his fingers and he could only imagine the sounds you’d made if you’d let him explore you some more.  Who else but him?

Your eyes focused as you craned your neck up to look at him better.  You bit your lip to hide your amused smile.  His side of the bond was growing so big it was starting to hurt.  He was wrapping around your heart, whispering every thought he was having.  How nobody else had you like he did and it was true, every single word.  Of course you’d never been with anyone and you’d never dreamed of it until you met Cassian.  There were some nights where your infatuation with him swelled so much in your chest that you found yourself with your hand in between your thighs in a futile attempt to relieve it.  It never did though; it only got worse until that night in the balcony where your bottled up affections exploded into something more, something so dangerous to you both.

You wanted to drag him along further and see just how far you could push him but something innate told you that you didn’t have much rope left before he did something drastic and you hoped whatever it was involved him and those skillful fingers of his.  If you weren’t so drunk you would’ve been ashamed of yourself but not now.  Now you were having fun with the male of your dreams behind you.

You smiled and grabbed the hand that he had placed on your waist and gave it a squeeze.  “There’s never been anyone else.”

Cassian left you shortly after but not before making you gasp as he left a wet kiss on your neck.  It was good timing too because the rest of the girls had gravitated towards you with the movement of the crowd and by the time they did he was gone and you were reaching for Nesta to dance.

“Do you guys want something to drink?  I’m out.”  You pouted and the group shouted their orders to you and you nodded, mumbling to yourself so you wouldn’t forget.  You approached your booth and slumped against the table.  “Do you guys want another drink?”  Your words were stuck together despite the amount of concentration you were trying but failing to exude.

“Should you be getting another drink?”  Cassian’s own words were slurred too and you gave him a blank stare and with a blink you looked at the rest of the group, awaiting an answer.  A chorus of ‘yes’ and their drink order were thrown at you and you nodded, turning around and heading for the bar.

“Hi,” you pulled yourself up on the stool and smiled at the bartender.  “Can I get two classic margaritas, a gin and tonic, a vodka tonic, two whiskeys a bourbon on the rocks,” you trailed off and squinted your eyes at the ceiling trying to remember the rest of the order.  You turned around and looked at the table and pondered the thought and Cassian gave you a questioning look that you ignored and turned back around.  “A glass of red and white wine, water, and club soda.”  You beamed at the bartender, proud of your memory abilities in your inebriated state and she laughed, jotting down the order and saying she’d be back.

You swiveled in the bar stool with your chin in your hand, reading the bottles of liquor on the back wall.  You barely heard your name as you mumbled the brand names to yourself until it was almost in your ear making you jump in your seat.

“Y/N!”  Somebody approached you from the right and you turned slowly to look who it was.  Marc.  You barely recognized him; he looked a lot different now, taller and skinner and definitely more built.  You had gone to school with him your entire life and while he wasn’t a friend per say he definitely was a friendly and familiar face.

“Hey!”  You gave him a smile. 

“I haven’t seen you in forever.  How have you been?”  He leaned on the bar and tilted his head at you, studying your face and discreetly your body.

“Good.  Busy.”  You gave him another smile and looked towards the bartender.  She was about halfway through the order.

“Waiting on drinks?”

“Oh yeah.  With my friends.”

“Still awkward I see.” He laughed, the comment meant lightheartedly but your cheeks still burned.

“Sorry.”  You let out your own nervous laugh and twirled your hair around your finger.  “I just haven’t seen you in a while and-”

“You’re not good with small talk.  I get it.”  

You hummed and ducked your head, counting the drinks on the tray.  Only three more left and you’d be back at the table.

“You still in school?”  Marc asked after a few moments and you cleared your throat and shook your head.

“No.  I graduated last August.  I work for the Court now.”

“Oh wow.”  Marc’s eyes grew wide.  “Congrats.  I remember politics being your thing.”

“Yup,” you let the ‘p’ pop.  “It’s really cool.  I’ve been traveling a lot lately.”

“Nice.”  You barely noticed that he slid closer to you until the fabric of his jacket grazed your arm.  You straightened in your seat, shifting away from him but it only brought him closer.  “Hey, so I know this is really straight forward and we haven’t seen each other in a while but I was wondering if-”  

Whatever he was saying was cut short when tattooed arms encircled your waist and a firm chest pressed against your back.  You leaned your head to the side as Cassian nuzzled into your neck.

“Almost done?”  He whispered and he looked up at Marc just in time to see a muscle in his jaw twitch.

“Yeah,” you breathed out in relief.  “She’s making the margs now, I think.”

“Good.”  He pressed a kiss to your temple and started to rub circles on your stomach.

Thank you, you looked up at him through your lashes and tried and failed to hide your smile of appreciation.

What are mates for?  He squeezed your side and kissed your cheek and you ducked your head, letting out a giggle.  Drunk you could’ve been coddled like this the whole night.

“And you are?”  Cassian’s voice dropped an octave as he straightened and placed his hands on your shoulders in a not so discreet show of claim.

“Oh, Cass, this is-”

“Marc.”  He extended his hand and Cassian regarded the gesture coldly and then gripped his hand and shook it.

“Cassian.”

“Figured by the siphons.  Pleasure to meet you, General.”

Cassian’s lips turned upward in a cold smile.  Marc had a grandiose attitude and his advances were not appreciated.  Even if you weren’t mates, Cassian would have stepped in regardless.  It was clear you were not comfortable with the conversation or his presence but he persisted nevertheless.  Cassian could’ve drawn a parallel to his own situation with you but he didn’t because it wasn’t the same because you liked him, you were just being difficult.

He likes you, Cassian sent down to you and you shrugged.

We’re friends from school.

He was about to ask you out.

You’re paranoid.

And you’re mine.

You huffed and crossed your arms.  Stop being annoying.

Cassian hummed and watched Marc who had turned to watch his drink being made.

“So, Marc,” Cassian started, flashing him a toothy grin.  “How do you know Y/N?”

“We went to school together.”  Cassian's grin grew wider when the male didn’t even bother to turn around and look at him.  Marc tapped the bar impatiently and Cassian rocked you side to side in victory.

Stop antagonizing him. You snapped.  You could feel it now, the tension between the three of you especially between Marc and Cassian.  It was very true that Marc had expressed interest in you over the years and you’d always respond the same by appreciating his friendship and wanting to keep it that way.  

It’s what he deserves.

He didn’t do anything wrong.

He made you uncomfortable.

Says who?

I know you, Cassian purred and you rolled your head to the side to ride out the shiver that crawled down your spine.  Appeasing smile, stiff back, squared shoulders, and a bouncing foot equals you’re in a situation you don’t want to be in.  Not to mention every time he got close you leaned away.

If you know me so well then why don’t you know you make me uncomfortable?

Because, sweetheart, Cassian stroked the bond and you felt it shoot straight to your core.  I make you uncomfortable in the way that the only way you can get relief is by squeezing your thighs together.  You whirled in your seat and stared at him in disbelief.  “And I like to think that is a very different feeling.  Don’t you think?”  His breath fanned your face and he glanced down where sure enough you had your ankles crossed and your thighs pressed tightly together. 

Your skin was on fire and your breathing had become heavier.  He was right, though.  He made you uncomfortable because of the feelings he gave you that you’d never felt before.  He made you feel alive and in moments like this when his scent washed over you and his body was inches from touching yours and when you were drunk out of your mind he made you feel incredibly horny.

Cassian leaned over you and you followed the movement with your head, thinking he would kiss you, hoping he would but instead he slid the tray from the bartender, thanking her.

“Drinks are ready.”

Cassian invited Marc to the table who begrudgingly accepted the invitation and regretted it when he saw Cassian’s hand slide down your back and rest at the top curve of your backside.  

Everyone was back at the table and you slid in beside Elain.

“I saw you with that male,” she nodded to Marc.  “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.  He’s a friend from school.”

“He’s weird.”  She looked at him cautiously and looked back at you and squeezed your hand under the table.  “I’m glad you’re back.”

You patted her hand and crossed your legs as you grabbed your drink but then immediately undid them remembering Cassian’s remark.  He smirked at you from across the table, tipping his glass to you and you scowled.  He was such an asshole.  He read you too well.  He knew you too well.

“It’s so good to see you!”  Raquel squealed as she embraced Marc.

He laughed and patted her head.  “It’s good to see you too.  I can’t believe you finally finished school.  It’s ben fucking years.”

“I know,” she groaned and sat back in the booth and patted the spot beside her.  “I didn’t think I was going to make it, but hey.  Here we are.”  She raised her glass and so did everyone else.  “And congratulations to my best friend for graduating top of her class and getting her dream job.”  Everyone cheered and you blushed, ducking your head.

Conversation erupted after that and you observed it all, nursing your drink.  Your eyes were heavy and your body even more so and the fun of the night was wearing out.  Everyone else felt it too.  You’d all been here for three hours at this point and it was past midnight.  Your eyes bounced around the table tuning in and out of the conversations and jokes, some funny but most not as everyone was too wasted to think of something actually humorous and instead laughed at everything. 

“I think,”  Rhysand stretched and pulled Feyre in close.  “It’s time to go home.”  Murmurs of agreement passed through the group and even Marc agreed.

“I’ll head out with you guys.”  Marc announced to the group but he kept his eyes on you.

You avoided his gaze and finished your drink, the sound of the empty straw distracting you.

You bounded out of the booth and accepted Lucien’s outstretched hand as he heaved you up.  Stumbling, you fell into Raquel’s grasp and you both held hands as you made your way to the door with half the group in front of and half the group behind you.

“Have fun?”  She whispered in your ear and you nodded.  “I’m drunk as shit.”  She slurred and you laughed, agreeing with her that she definitely was but so were you.  

“Marc try anything with you?”  She asked once you had stepped outside.  The chilly night breeze was an appreciated welcome to your sweat slicked bodies.

You shook your head.  “We just talked.  It’s not like that.”

She snorted and dug her foot in the dirt.  “For you.  But for him,” she clicked her tongue.  “He’s always had a thing for you.”

Everybody else soon piled out of the Rita’s with Nesta groaning at the temperature.  “Thank the fucking gods.”  Feyre laughed and swung her arm around her sister’s shoulders.  “I didn’t think I was going to make it in there,” Nesta grumbled, fanning her neck.

“You’re talking,” Amren said, also fanning herself.

“Well,” Marc spoke up, clearing his throat.  “It was nice seeing you guys.”  

You turned to face him and smiled.  “Yeah!  It was cool.  Glad to see you’re doing okay.”

Raquel gave her own regards and soon found interest in whatever Mor was looking at behind Rita’s, leaving you and Marc alone.

“Well, I better get going.”  You jerked your thumb behind you where everyone else had congregated.  They would’ve started walking but they were all, including you, basking in the breeze that kept wiping around you.

“We should get lunch sometime.  Maybe even dinner.”  Marc said and you gave him a blank look.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, like a date I mean.”  He chuckled.  “I guess you didn’t pick up on that.”

“Oh.”  You nodded and shifted your weight from one foot to another.  “I appreciate that, but I’m seeing somebody.”  It was a smooth lie because it wasn’t entirely a lie.  You weren’t seeing Cassian exactly, but at the same time you couldn’t see yourself with anybody else.

“Oh?”  Now it was his turn to be surprised.  He’d never think in a million years you’d be anywhere near another male or female in that manner.  

“Yeah,” you let out a nervous laugh and bit your lip, turning your head.  Cassian normally watched you like a hawk but now he had his back to you engrossed in a conversation with Rhysand and Lucien.  

“If it’s not serious then I don’t see why you can’t.  Seeing somebody usually isn’t that serious, you know?”  He had seen Cassian with you at the bar but it was well known Cassian got around and it didn’t bother Marc much if you had been one of his latest conquests.

You twisted your hands together and gave him an understanding look.  It wasn’t serious but at the same time it was because you were mated.  Whether it was a relationship or not there was still something there and you found yourself oddly loyal to it.

“I’m mated,” you blurted out and you covered your mouth in surprise.

He gave you a look of disbelief and let out a laugh.  “If you don’t want to then you could’ve just said that.  Don’t need to lie, Y/N.”

“I’m not lying.  I’m serious.  I have a mate.”  You placed your hands in front of you, twisting them.  The words felt foreign on your tongue and part of you felt bad for using this as an excuse to get you out of this situation when you’ve been denying it to your own mate.

“Really?”  He crossed his arms and you shrunk in his stare.  “You have a mate?”

“Yes.”  You huffed, growing impatient.  If there was one thing in the world you disliked the most it was not being taken seriously.

“Who?”

You blanked at his question, a demand really.  You had assumed that your statement would’ve been enough but it seemed like Marc wanted proof.  You stared at him for a moment and he scoffed.

“Exactly.  You don’t have to lie to-”

“I’m not lying.  I just don’t think I owe you an explanation.”  You turned to leave and suddenly you were turned around, Marc in your face and his hand gripping your wrist.  “Hey, what are you-”

“Don’t fucking lie to me.”  You could smell the alcohol being emitted from him and you craned your head back, eyes pleading to be released.

“I’m not.  I-”

“You’ve been rejecting me for years, Y/N.  For no reason really,” he laughed bitterly and you shrank even further from his touch.  “So don’t give me some bullshit excuse about some mate.  We both know that’s not true.  You have no real reason to not go out with me at least once.  I don’t think it’ll kill you.  Plus you know me.”  He tilted his head, his eyes trying to be sympathetic but failing.  There was nothing there.  You tried to wiggle free but his grip tightened and you gasped.  “Just one.  I’ll make it worth your while.”  He gave you a dry smirk and leaned closer and your body seized with panic.

It was too much.  His hand on yours, his breath heavy with alcohol, and his stare was relentless.  None of it was good and it was making you feel sick.  Your vision darkened at the corners as panic seized your body, making the blood in your veins still and you found yourself panting.

“Let go of-”

“Do we have a fucking problem?”  Cassian’s voice boomed across the small clearing and you finally slipped from Marc’s hold and stumbled backwards until you hit something hard and you felt Cassian’s hand slide across your chest, holding you close.

Marc didn’t say anything.  His gaze was still on you, the question still in his eyes and you cringed away and Cassian’s hand only became firmer.

“I said,” Cassian growled, “do we have a fucking problem?”  Your arm snaked behind you and you gripped Cassian’s pant leg, trying to ground yourself.

“Y/N and I were just having a conversation.  I don’t think this concerns you much.”  Marco replied coldly.  

“What concerns my mate, concerns me.”

Rita’s had been so densely packed that nobody could smell the bond, but here in the open air and the breeze flowing freely, the mating bond traveled from person to person announcing its presence, arriving at Marc last.  

His nostrils flared and his eyes narrowed.  He clicked his tongue and chuckled.  “Is that what he made you believe?”  He directed the question to you.  “I never thought you’d be stupid enough to fall for something like that.”  His flitted from you to Cassian, his eyebrow cocking upwards ever so slightly.

“What the fuck did you just say?”  Despite the fury heightening his every sense and his sudden tunnel vision on his newfound enemy, he pushed you aside gently and behind him until Rhysand gripped your elbow and brought you in.

“Cass, it’s not that serious.  Let’s just go.  I’m really tired.”  You tried appealing to him but he was already moving.  Your heart pounded in your chest as Cassian strutted toward Marc.  It really wasn’t that big of a deal.  Marc was drunk and angry and angry drunk people say things that they don’t mean.

Cassian, c’mon.  Please.  You called out to him but it was too late because Cassian had already grabbed Marc by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against the wall of Rita’s.  You gasped, clamping your hand over your mouth and stepped forward but Rhysand pulled you back into him gently.

“Let him,” he said without looking at you.  Cassian now had Marc by the throat.  “That piece of shit deserves it.”

Cassian was pissed.  He was angry, furious, aggravated, annoyed, every single negative word that existed described him in this moment.  His agitation with you had ceased almost immediately.  He knew you couldn’t help your avoidant nature so he just vowed to try again but it came back in full swing when Marc showed up at the bar.  He had made a beeline straight for you and you didn’t even see it coming, spinning on your stool with your head in your hands.  He’d been in your space since then and Cassian could smell the shift in your scent from relaxed and slightly aroused to panic.  You’d been polite, he could tell, from the nod of your head and the shake of your shoulders when you forced a laugh and Cassian had let you be at first.  He’d done enough damage tonight and the signals were getting too mixed but when you were nearly toppling out of your seat from trying to get away from him, he couldn’t take it anymore and this time Azriel didn’t try to stop him.  

So Cassian decided to handle it the only way he knew how: by distracting you by being annoying and it worked.  He didn’t expect you to lean into him when he approached or search for his lips when he reached over you.  Had you not held your thighs together so tightly, he would’ve nestled between them and let you feel how crazy he’d gotten since he saw you standing on your stairs, hip jutted out in aggravation.  And that garter, nestled high enough up your thigh where it peaked out from under your skirt in a sickening invitation; he wanted nothing more than to take it off with his teeth, watching you watch him.  Yet you let him hold you, protect you from Marc’s pressing stare and attempts at what Cassian could only label as seduction.  You trusted him enough to do so and he wasn’t going to let anything happen to you or let anyone speak to you like that.  

I never thought you’d be stupid enough to fall for something like that.  He had spat the last word out like Cassian was nothing, like he was trash and not worthy of you.  And maybe Cassian wasn’t.  You were bright and intelligent and graceful in ways he couldn’t even fathom but at least Cassian liked you when you weren’t wearing a short skirt.  Cassian hadn’t even noted a single time that Marc’s gaze hadn’t flickered down to look at your body.

He held Marc against the wall, his forearm pressing against his throat.  He looked at you, wide eyes and hand covering your mouth and he felt even more rage than before as he recalled the fear he’d felt when Marc had grabbed you.  He could only assume you had that exact expression on your face when he was leering at you saying gods knows what.

“If you ever come near her again,” he growled in Marc’s ear, keeping his eyes on you.  “If I ever see you even within one block of her I will tear you to fucking pieces.”  He felt Marc shake beneath him and grasp at his arm.  Cassian leaned back and stood at his full height, flaring his wings behind him, peering down at him.  So weak and pathetic, you did not deserve someone like this, Cassian thought.  “I will fucking kill you.  In ways you can’t even possibly imagine.  Are we clear?”  Marc nodded, a strangled noise escaping his lips, his face was red and the vein in his forehead was pulsing.  He pushed off him and Marc let out a gasp for air.  “I’ll fucking kill you.”  Cassian repeated, pointing at him and turned on his heel.

As he neared you Cassian reached his hand out and without even thinking about it you reached for him and let him interlock your fingers.  “We’re going home.”  His voice was gruff and he was trying to maintain his composure but the only thing he could think about was leveling the entire city, starting with the asshole still slumped against the wall.

“What the fuck happened?”  Raquel hissed as she and Mor emerged from behind the bar with Azriel.  What was so interesting was the alcohol induced vomit Mor was littering and the two had stayed with her.

“He grabbed her,” Nesta nodded toward Marc.  “And Cassian lost it.”

“Oh shit,” Raquel breathed out and then sucked her teeth.  “Asshole!”  She shouted at Marc and the rest of the group headed home.

taglist: @thecraziestcrayon | @rcarbo1 | @azrielsshadows42 | @faridathefairy

[bldhrry]

The Brute and The Scholar

Chapter Ten | The Story of Us Cassian x Fem!Reader Previous Chapter | Next Chapter Series Masterlist | General Masterlist

word count: 10.4k

warnings: alcohol, cursing (i think? i can't remember and i don't feel like reading through it again lmao), mention of sex

author's note: this has been done for a bit but i didn't have time to finish it. chapter eleven is almost done so that will be posted soon. the semester starts next week so i won't have as much time to work on this but i will def try! this chapter is a bit of a filler chapter and next one too but things will pick up again. lmk what you think :)

Nobody was expected to work the day after Starfall which you were grateful for.

You had told your mother everything only after omitting what had happened initially on the balcony.  She didn’t say anything.  Instead she just listened and looked at you with an unreadable expression, her eyes shaded with an emotion you couldn’t name.

Your mother knew this would come.  As someone who had a mate for almost six hundred years she recognized the signs.  Cassian’s consistent presence was the first sign; he was always searching for you even when you weren’t supposed to be working.  He’d come to the door and ask to see you, using the excuse that it was for work but he never brought any materials with him.  But she entertained him and revealed your location.  Perhaps it was meddling but Cassian was nice and even if her suspicions were wrong he was a good friend to you and she knew how desperately you needed that.

She understood your reaction to the bond and she knew where your rejection stemmed from.  It wasn’t a rejection of Cassian but a rejection of allowing yourself to have anything good in your life.  You blamed yourself for your father’s death, something she wished she could take from you.  It wasn’t your fault.  Neither of you were a match for Hybern’s forces.  But no reassurance from her helped the guilt you felt, so you’ve lived since that day secluded into yourself.  You declined invitations to go out with your friends and did what you thought was expected of you which was finish school to attend college and get a job.  You denied yourself any form of enjoyment and it hurt her to see and she did try to encourage you but you were smooth with your excuse that you didn’t have time or didn’t want to but she saw through the lies but knew better than to press the issue.

“Will you speak with him?”  Your mother asked timidly as you helped her clean the dishes from lunch.

“There’s nothing else left to say.”

“And work?”

“My personal life and professional life are separate.  I’m sure he,” you cleared your throat at the mention of Cassian and continued.  “I’m sure he’s the same way.”  You gave your mother a reassuring smile and continued to dry the plate in your hands.

Your mother let out a sad, quiet sigh and watched you methodically dry and put away the plates and cups.  You were so detached and your ability to do so was something you had carefully crafted over the years and no amount of coaxing talks from both your mother and father would bring you out of your shell.  

It didn’t make sense that you were this way.  Your mother and father were patient and understanding parents and incredibly attentive so your aversion to their touch and attempts at open and honest conversations was concerning.  Had they done something wrong?  They had discussed it at lengths but you’d always been like that since the moment you were born.  So quiet and observant and you never cried; it stressed your mother out because babies were supposed to be loud but you never were.  You kept to yourself, always entertained by playing on the floor with your toys, never expressing any want for company; when she forced a friend upon you when you first started school you had begged your mother to send her home.  But as you got older and especially after the death of your father it got worse and you constantly lived behind a mask.  Your mother had learned that you would come to her when you were ready so she waited and you did but not as often as she would have liked.

You laid down after lunch and sleep took you quickly, the exertion of crying and feeling leaving you exhausted.  But being unconscious was worse than being conscious because you dreamed of Cassian.  You didn’t dream of what had happened, but you dreamed of a time you two had lunch, months ago.  

You were seated by the window of an almost empty restaurant.  Cassian was talking about growing up with Rhysand and Azriel and then about how annoying Nesta was and you listened intently and watched him even more so.  

He spoke with his hands and in between stories he’d take a bite of his food and you watched that too.  His bites were enormous filling his entire mouth and yet he still tried to speak through the food and you gave him a look of disgust.

“You’re stuck up.”  He had joked after swallowing and downing an entire class of water and you just huffed at him and looked out the window.

“Do you chew your food?”  You asked after a moment of silence and Cassian was holding his sandwich in the air with his mouth open, ready to take another bite.

“What?”

“Do you chew?”  You turned your head to look at him and tilted your head.  “You don’t seem to chew.”

He looked flabbergasted.  “I chew my food.”  

“I’ve never seen it.  It looks like you just stuff your face and swallow.  Do you even taste it?”

Cassian laughed loudly, leaning back in his chair and placed his hand on his stomach.  “What kind of fucking question is that?”

You frowned at him, not appreciating the way he was not taking you seriously.

“It’s a valid question.  You have no table manners; you’re like some brute that was raised by wolves.  You eat every meal like it’s your first.”  It was true.  He was a messy eater with crumbs all over the table and bits of sauce on the corners of his mouth and if he was in a rush sometimes it’d get on his chin.  You hated it and resisted the urge to wipe his face clean.

Cassian’s eyes were bright as the sun entering the window shone on them, brightening the green and brown that swirled in them today.  Normally you saw gold too but not today for some reason.

“Sorry not everyone is some scholar who read about table manners to pass the time.”  He said, using air quotations.

He took a bite and stared at you, showing you that he did in fact chew his food.  

You rolled your eyes and leaned back in your seat, fighting back a smile.

You woke up with the sound of Cassian’s laughter echoing in your head.

You’d slept for longer than you intended as it was now almost four in the morning.  You sat up in your bed and rubbed your face.  You had a massive headache and your body ached and that’s when you noticed that your bed was wet and so were your thighs and you realized you’d started your cycle.

“My fucking gods,” and your groan turned into a whine as pain shot through you when you stood up.

Your gut stirred as you changed your clothes and sheets but you ignored it.  The feeling intensified as you felt a tug and a greeting floated through your head, the voice barely intelligible.  You ignored it again.

Are you okay?  The voice was clearer now and it was raspy with sleep.

You gave it no response.

Stop ignoring me. I just want to know you’re okay.  He sounded agitated and sure enough annoyance flowered in your chest.

You took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of your nose.  I’m fine,.  The annoyance turned into gratitude.

Good. A moment of silence and you thought he’d left but then he spoke again.  Why are you in pain?

You frowned.  I’m not.

I can feel it Y/N.

You sucked your teeth and now it was your turn to be aggravated and you should’ve ignored him and allowed the silence to reiterate your rejection but you found yourself responding anyway.  I slept funny.

Did you sleep well, though?

You yanked the sheet over the corner of your mattress and cracked your jaw.  You wanted him to leave you alone like he had the entire day.  You wanted him to just go back to sleep or go back to whatever he was doing and forget about this ridiculous form of communication that was now open to you both.

Did you hear me?

You fluffed the comforter and huffed.  Impossible not to.

Cassian laughed and the sound sent a tingle down your spine and you rolled your head side to side to get rid of the feeling.  But your true emotion seeped through and you cursed yourself for caving for something so miniscule and you cursed yourself even more for the fact that you knew Cassian could feel it.  You loved his laugh.  It was always so hearty, making his entire body shake with the sound like it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.  You would hide your smile every time he’d laugh at something you’d say; you felt proud to make him smile so wide.

There she is, Cassian purred and you winced at the way it sent shockwaves through your body.

You were fighting so hard to not feel anything and it was agonizing.  The part you were playing was exhausting but so necessary to keep you and him safe.  He didn’t realize it but you were doing him a favor, saving him from yourself.

You closed your side of the bond quickly, not giving him a chance to feel the glow that was cracking through your walls.

You didn’t go to work the next day or the day after or the day after that.

Your cycle was tearing you apart and the pain and flow were unbearable.  Feyre hadn’t cared when you told her and she told you to take as much time as you needed and part of her wondered if you were avoiding Cassian but your pale face told her you were telling the truth.

Cassian waited for you every morning at the front door of the River House waiting to see you round the bend and walk up the path but you never did.

Feyre found him leaning against the window of the foyer on the second day and she walked up to him and bumped his side.

“She’s not coming.”  She told him.  Her tone was soft, sympathetic even.  She could only imagine just how difficult this was for him.

“She’s still sick?”  He asked and Feyre hummed in response.  He snorted but kept looking just in case you did appear.  He didn’t want to miss it.

“She really is.  Should’ve seen her the other day, I’m surprised she made it here.”

Cassian’s eyes shot down to look at his friend and panic spread in his chest.  “Is she okay?”

“Oh yeah,” Feyre waved her hand, waving away his concern. “Give her a week or so and she’ll be fine.”

Cassian couldn’t understand how she was so sure you’d overcome your sickness so soon and he wondered what she knew that he didn’t.

“Have you spoken to her since that night?”

“The night after but that was it.  She woke me up, by accident I think, and I tried to talk with her but she didn’t really seem to want to and then she just stopped.”  Cassian shrugged.  “I think she went to sleep.”

He knew you hadn’t.  You had shut yourself off with so much vigor that he knew you’d done it on purpose but it helped him to think that maybe you hadn’t and maybe there was a chance that you two could come out of this together.

Feyre nodded like she was deep in thought.  “She’ll be back.”  She gave him a smile and squeezed his arm and left, leaving him to monitor the front lawn.

The next day, when you didn’t show up again, Cassian started to grow impatient.  You’d not shown up for work before with a cold in late Fall and a migraine last month and that period of time during your training sessions.  But you’d never been gone for this long.

“I’m gonna head out.”  Cassian announced, getting up from his seat in Rhysand’s office.  

The entire Inner Court, minus you, were gathered for a meeting to discuss the war camps.  The conversation had dulled down and everyone was just having meaningless conversations about upcoming plans and what they were going to have for dinner.

“Where?”  Mor asked with a skeptical tone.

“Out.”

“You going for lunch?  I’m kind of hungry.”  She twirled her blonde hair around her finger.

“Yeah, me too.”  Lucien echoed and Elain nodded her head beside him.

“I’m just going out.”  He gave everyone an appeasing smile and headed for the door.

Amren snorted from her perch by the window.  “He better leave that girl alone.  I really think she would take his head if he keeps bothering her.”

Cassian stopped to pick up the soup you liked and flowers that were the same color as the walls in your room and headed for your house.

He’d tugged on the bond everyday, giving you time to respond but you never did.  It was discouraging and upsetting and overall saddening and he missed you.  He missed you so much it was unfathomable and it made him lazy, doing nothing but waiting for time to pass until you spoke to him again.

The curtains were drawn when he approached your front door which was unusual as they were usually open by now as it was almost noon.  Nevertheless, Cassian knocked on the door and took a step back, waiting for it to open and praying to all that was Holy that he’d finally break the streak of not seeing you.

The knock on the door didn’t wake you up but rather it was Mittens, who was sleeping in her bed near the fireplace, when she started quaking and ran for the door.

You’d fallen asleep on the couch earlier that morning after reading a few pages of a book Nesta had given you.  Another romance novel that nearly had you kicking your feet and giggling as the main characters finally confessed their feelings after nearly four hundred pages of a slow burn romance filled with pining and yearning that was strictly forbidden.

You groaned and stretched before getting up, gripping the armrest for support.  Mittens circled you, continuing her incessant quaking and you hushed her and waved her away.

Wrapping your arms around yourself you headed for the door and opened it without a second thought and you were genuinely surprised to see Cassian standing there, his signature smile plastered on his face holding flowers in one hand and a brown bag in the other.

You stared at him and slowly blinked and when you realized he was actually on your doorstep with an expectant look on his face you frowned.

“What?”

“I heard you were sick.  I wanted to come and check on you.”

“Well, you’ve checked and I’m fine.”  You started to shut the door but his voice stopped you.

“Are you hungry?  I brought soup.”  He lifted the bag for proof and you sighed.

“I’m not, but thanks though.”

“You sure?  It’s the soup you like from O’Brien’s.”  He gave you a weak smile and outstretched his arm that was holding the bag.

“I’m fine, Cassian,” you huffed and before you could shut the door there was the quick rhythm of padding feet and Mittens ran out the door, quacking all the way.

Cassian jumped back and the duck ran down the path aiming for the grass where she began to pick at it.

“Godsdamnit,” you muttered and rushed out, brushing past Cassian who quickly followed after setting the items he was holding on your doorstep.

“Mittens, come here.”  You snapped and pointed at the ground at your feet but the duck waddled away in defiance and you followed her.  “For the love of the fucking Mother,” you muttered as you reached for her but she ran off again and headed towards Cassian.

“Can you grab her please?”  You asked with a twinge of desperation.  You were in so much pain and too tired for Mittens’ antics.

He chuckled and knelt down and Mittens observed him, giving him a few quacks and he stroked the top of her head.  Unbeknownst to him that was her favorite spot to be pet and she started to wiggle her backside in appreciation.

You sighed, moving your hair out of your face as you bent over and picked her up, groaning as you straightened yourself.  You were feeling faint and while the air was cool the sun was not and its heat was making you nauseous.

Cassian got up and resumed stroking Mittens and smiled to himself.  “I’ve never seen her before.”

You moved away from him and headed towards the door.  “She normally stays in the garden unless she wants to come inside.”

“Wants to?”  He laughed behind you and you shot him a look.

“Yes.  She has free will.  We don’t keep her out in the garden for convenience.  She goes when she wants and comes when she wants.”

He grinned at your tone and as he bent down to pick up the flowers and soup he tugged on the bond, caressing it slightly.

There she is.

Your steps faltered slightly at the feeling but you composed yourself as you walked back into the house and you were shocked again to see Cassian follow you inside and kicked the door closed.

“You cannot just come in here uninvited.”  You declared as you watched him shut the door with his foot.

He looked at you bewildered and then he blushed and gave you a sheepish smile.  “Force of habit.”

You rolled your eyes and readjusted Mittens in your arms.  “Get out.”

Cassian wanted to protest and insist on ensuring that you ate and had everything you needed.  But he knew that was the last thing he should do and if he was going to succeed in winning you back he had to be patient and calm.

“Do you want the stuff I brought you?”

Your eyes narrowed at his outstretched hands and then at the flowers and the brown takeout bag and you clicked your tongue.  “No,” you started, turning away from him to put Mittens back in her bed.  “Take it with you and shut the door on your way out.”

His arms fell and you both felt the bond shiver in your chest, a sense of dread creeping through it.

“Please?”

“Cassian, please.  Don’t start with me.  Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.”  You placed your hand on your forehead and took a deep breath.  You were feeling more sick with each passing minute and Cassian’s presence, ever so overwhelming, was not helping.

“I’ll just put it in the kitchen and you can-”

You cut him off and put your hand in the air.  “Cassian for fu-”  You stopped and put your hand out to steady yourself but with nothing to hold on to you stumbled, nearly tripping over your feet.

“Woah,”  Cassian rushed towards you, throwing the flowers and bag on the coffee table.  He grabbed your hands and held you upright, immediately rubbing his thumbs atop your hands.  “Hey,” he breathed out and cupped your cheek to make you look at him and when you did your eyes were unfocused and you swayed slightly.  “What’s going on?”

You hummed and closed your eyes, trying to reorient yourself but your head was spinning and your stomach was flipping and you were hot all over.

“I have to throw up,” you finally announced.

Cassian spent the next ten minutes holding your hair as you emptied your stomach into the toilet.  He had rubbed your back in the beginning but you jerked away and muttered a ‘fuck off’ so now he just held your hair from a distance and waited.  

You spit into the toilet and slumped down beside it, exhausted and sore and Cassian placed his hands gently on your shoulders to keep you upright.

“Get out of my house.”

He snorted.  “When you’re not dying, sure.”

You groaned.  You needed him gone and far away from you even if it was the last thing you wanted.  “I can take care of myself.”

“I’m sure, sweetheart.”

He helped you up and you flushed the toilet and jerked away from him.  He let you, watching you the entire time.

“Leave.”  You called over your shoulder as you made your way to the couch.

He followed diligently.  “Will you eat before I leave?”

“You don’t get to make requests in my home.”

He frowned; he wanted to persist that you ate to ensure you didn’t get sick again.  He knew how stubborn you were and he knew you wouldn’t eat unless prompted because of your frequent tendency of forgetting.  He’d seen you go an entire day without eating and when he finally mentioned it you gave him a look of surprise, telling him that you hadn’t even thought about it.  He worried about it at first but soon realized it wasn’t anything malicious and that you genuinely would forget.  He’d never seen anything like it but again he’d never met anyone like you.

He sighed through his nose and ignored you as he opened the bag and pulled out the containers: one for you and one for him.  You favored the vegetable cream soup and always cleared your bowl when you had it, humming the entire time and sometimes even rocking in your seat.  You hated restaurants and braved it for the sake of everyone else but O’Briens was the only place you would willingly eat at.

“Why don’t you fucking listen to me?”  You muttered, sitting down and wrapping a blanket around yourself.

He didn’t respond.  Instead Cassian just pushed the container towards you and took a seat at the edge of the table.  He glanced between you and the container expectantly.

You scoffed and looked at him with wide eyes.  “You are out of your fucking mind.  I said leave.”

“You are being a lot meaner than usual,” he mused, prying the lid off and waving away that heat that rose out of it.

You didn’t respond.  You couldn’t stop staring at him.  You could barely register his audacity and it angered you to your core.  But you also couldn’t help but notice how good he looked today.  He recently shaved and his aftershave was strong, making you flare your nostrils in a weak attempt to smell it even more.  He wore a tight fitting black shirt and a hooded flannel lined with soft, puffy fabric.  His hair was a mess per usual and you assumed it was from the wind as he flew from the House of Wind to the River House and then from his walk to your house.  Despite its tousled look it was still marvelous because somehow it looked like it was done on purpose.

“What’s wrong with you anyway?”  He asked nonchalantly, not looking at you.

“I’m sick.”

“With what?”

“Oh my gods.”  You laughed and ran your hand through your hair.

I can’t believe you, you shot through the bond as you were too lost for verbal remark.

He grinned over the rim of the container.  I’m glad you haven’t forgotten about this.

You gasped, your aggravation turning into fury and as you two stared at each other and his gaze softened and he tilted his head, considering you in this gods awful state you were in.  You looked like you hadn’t left your bed in days, which you hadn’t.  Your hair was all over the place and you had tucked it behind your ears, trying to make it presentable.  You wore an oversized shirt and pants and if he looked close enough, which he tried not to, you weren’t wearing a bra and your breasts were much larger than they usually were.  You had bags under your eyes and he noticed that every time you shifted on the couch you winced like it pained you to move just one centimeter.  Despite it all you looked beautiful, radiant even.

“You’re antagonizing me.”  You meant to say it with a harsh tone but it came out weak, like you were sad.  And you were sad.  Distance from him was horrible and you felt more lonely than you usually did.  

He gave you a sad smile and forgot that he was supposed to be treading lightly.  “I don’t mean to.  It’s just that I love-”  

“Please don’t,” you interrupted him and Cassian’s face fell, like you had stabbed him where it hurt the most.

Cassian averted his gaze in shame.  “Sorry.”

“Not everybody wants this and you need to realize that.  It’s best to just ignore it and forget about it and just move on.  I’m sure there’s somebody else.”  You hoped you sounded convincing.  You’d practice the speech over and over in your head, wanting to make sure that when the time finally came where you would tell him you wouldn’t break.  The first few times you’d thought about it you had started crying, your body’s natural instinct fighting against your decision to reject it all.

This made him look up at you so quickly that he nearly fell off the table.  Were you serious right now?  Were you seriously trying to encourage him and maybe even you to find other people?  His chest heaved up and down as he studied your earnest expression.

“You can’t be fucking serious, Y/N.”

You licked your lips and swallowed, studying a painting on the wall behind him.  “I am.  I think that given we’re at odds with each other we should just,” you moved your hands in a parting motion.  “Move forward with our lives.”

“Enough.”  He snarled and he saw you shrink into the couch.  Cassian tried to regain control of himself again, reminding himself that this was just as hard for you as it was for him and maybe even more so; that the feelings you were experiencing and the reactions you were having were not your fault and were completely valid in feeling it all and you needed time and he needed to give you that.  You clearly were not the emotional type and it was evident that you were career focused, something he admired about you.  You didn’t seem to bend easily to attention, ignoring Eris and Tarquin’s advances.  You mainly did it because you didn’t notice it but also because there was no reason to; you were working and that was your main priority.  Everything else was secondary.  But he found that hard to do, hard to rationalize, when you sat in front of him giving him a rehearsed speech.

He didn’t respond.  He had nothing to say that wouldn’t result in you screaming and crying at him like you had the other night.  You would beseech him to the ends of the world if he told you that he wouldn’t give up and that he was yours even if you weren’t his.

He tugged on the bond and you jerked in your seat.  He reminded you that the bond was there, that he was there and it and he weren’t going anywhere.  He would never and that is something he had decided when he met you.  He couldn’t even remember the last female he had looked at or been with because you consumed his every waking thought to the point you were starting to replace any and all memories of things that weren’t about you.

“Eat the fucking soup please.”  He finally said at last as he picked up his container again and took a swing and to his surprise you listened.

You didn’t mean to fall asleep and Cassian didn’t mean to stay until the sun set in the sky and your mother came home from work.

He had thought about leaving once your breathing became deep and your head was rolled to the side but he figured he should clean up before he did so you didn’t have to so he threw away the containers and placed the flowers in an empty vase he saw on the kitchen counter.

Then he noticed how your neck was at an awkward angle and he figured he should get you more comfortable before he left so he coaxed you awake, his hand on your cheek like he’d done the night of Starfall.  Your eyes fluttered open but they were heavy with sleep and they barely registered it was him there.  But you did lean into his hand and sighed, nuzzling into it making Cassian’s chest warm.  He told you your neck would hurt if you didn’t lay down properly and without a word you shimmed down the couch until your head was laid on the pillow and you fell asleep again.

Then Cassian remembered how sick you’d been before and he thought it was possible that you would be sick again so he decided to stay until your mother came back so you’d have someone with you and then he would leave.

So there he sat on an armchair by the back sliding door, watching you sleep.  He watched the rise and fall of your chest and how in the past six hours you hadn’t moved from your side or moved your arms from their tucked in position.  He thought it was weird how still you were when you were asleep and he remembered when you laid asleep next to him months ago when you were in whatever hole you’d crawled into and how you did the side thing: asleep on your side with your arms and legs tucked in.

Mittens stayed in her bed which he also thought was odd because the ducks he’d seen were active and loud and left droppings indiscriminately but she was almost like a dog, staying close to her master.  Her head was tucked under her wing and every now and then she’d make a noise like she was dreaming before settling down again.

When your mother approached the front door, Mittens was quick to get up and make her way to the door, letting out quiet quacks.  She hovered around the door as it cracked open and he saw your mother’s foot shooing her away.  When she came in she jumped slightly at Cassian and he gave her an apologetic smile.

“Cassian,”  she smiled back, hanging her purse on the hooks by the door.  “You’re here.”

He laughed through your nose and his eyes drifted to your figure.  “I hadn’t seen her in a few days.  Just wanted to check in.”

She hummed quietly and eyed him and then at you.  She was surprised you had let him in with how persistent you’d been that you wanted nothing to do with him and the bond.  She didn’t say that though; she kept that information to herself and instead she asked how you were.

“Sick earlier.  Was worried about leaving her alone in case it happened again.”  He admitted, embarrassment flooding his cheeks.

“She gets like this every time.  She’ll be fine.”  She padded to you and placed her hand on the top of your head and then on your forehead.

She wanted to ask about the bond and if you two had spoken about it and maybe even offer him some consolation because it was evident that he was lost as his eyes were nearly vacant as he looked at you.  The only emotion your mother could see was a devastating look of longing.  But she wouldn’t betray you and your decision; she would defend and support you regardless and if this was not what you wanted then she wouldn’t get in the way of that.

“Thank you for taking care of her.”  Your mother’s appreciation had a double meaning and Cassian picked up on it and he looked at her with glistening eyes.

“Always.”  And then he left, making his way home with tears streaming down his face.

“So,”  Raquel popped the spoon out of her mouth, “he’s your mate?”

You nodded, stirring your coffee absentmindedly.

You’d brave a lunch date with her when she came that morning, bounding up the cobblestone path.  You were feeling better with only a small ache in your abdomen and lower back.

“How did it happen?”

You blushed and ducked your head.  “We were together.”

“Like together, together?”  She grinned.

“Not…necessarily.”  

She smirked and let out a laugh.  “You’ve finally bloomed.  Everyone is going to be so ecstatic to hear this.”

You groaned.  “We didn’t do it.”  She raised an eyebrow.  “We, you know,” you huffed.  “Did something else.”

“Oh,” she stretched the word out as she realized.  “You or him?  Hand or mouth?”

“Stop,” you whined and covered your face.  “I do not want to talk about it.”

“I haven’t had sex in months!  Let me live vicariously through you.”

“I would rather if you didn’t.”

She shrugged.  “He is hot as shit.  Was he good?”

“Oh my gods Raquel.”

“He looks like he’d be good.  Big too I’d assumed with how big his wings are.  That’s a thing you know, bigger the wings bigger he is down there.”

You let out a high pitched noise from your throat.  You were so embarrassed at the admittance of what you’d done and her constant stream of questions for details was bringing back the memories of that night.  Regret flooded your bloodstream and you kept your face covered.

“Stop.”  You begged, looking at her through your fingers.

She giggled and crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat.  It was funny to poke fun at you and see how shy you would get about these topics.  You’d always been like that and her and the rest of the group assumed that was why you’d never done it or anything else for that matter.  The real truth was that you’d never liked anyone, never found anyone attractive or appealing until you met Cassian.

“Fine,” she threw her hands up in defeat.  “Are you considering changing your mind about him and the bond?”

“No.”  You shook your head.  “It’s decided; better that way, anyway.”

“For who?”  Her tone had an accusatory cadence and you glared at her.

“Everybody.”

She scoffed.  “There’s nothing wrong with feeling.”  Her voice grew softer and she gave you a sympathetic look.  “You don’t have to separate yourself from what is natural.”

You set your jaw and flared your nostrils, looking away at the rolling hills in the distance.  “It’s better this way,” you reiterated and she sighed.

Always so methodical, so aloof.  Raquel had envied it at first because she was emotional and quick to anger, ready for a fight even if it wasn’t her own.  But you were always calm, calculating every scenario and gauging the proper response to them but then her envy turned to pity because she saw just how much you distanced yourself from your feelings.  They extended not just to stressful situations but to personal matters, matters that should’ve excited you but you seemed to deny yourself the slightest bit of joy.  Avoiding advances and admiration from the males at school with the excuse that you didn’t have time for it and when your father died you didn’t even cry, opting to stay in a catatonic like state.  At first it was because you saw no reason to dwell on your emotions mainly because you simply didn’t feel them like everybody else.  You were odd in that way, not being able to understand why people felt joy and sadness in some situations when you would feel indifferent to them.  You would feel lost in group settings until you figured out how to pretend and learned when everyone was excited or upset about something.  Soon that distance grew when your father died and it was done on purpose, a punishment for what you’d done.

“He seems kind, though.  Attentive.”  She recalled the day she had seen you and how Cassian had watched the entire time with a silent question in his eyes and she didn’t miss the way you gave him a nonverbal confirmation that you were fine or the way he nodded and returned to the conversation.  That was interesting, she remembered thinking and she became excited at the prospect that you had finally dismantled your mental walls for somebody.  But you hadn’t.  Instead you stood behind them and considered taking them down but you were too scared too and Raquel saw that, how scared you were.  

“Y/N!”  Feyre yelled across the city square and you looked up, giving her a smile and wave.

She held Nyx’s and Rhysand’s hands as the trio made their way over and you stood up to greet them and stopped at the gate of the restaurant’s patio.  You tried to look pleasant but this was the last interaction you wanted to have.  Part of you would have rather dealt with Cassian than Feyre and Rhysand who very much knew what had happened on the balcony; he had even witnessed it and you felt embarrassed all over again.

“Hey guys.”  You breathed out and gave Nyx an additional wave and he beamed up at you.  You avoided Rhysand’s stare, giving him a polite nod, your eyes downcasted.  You felt awkward and ashamed and was sure if given the chance to be alone with you he would fire you.  You hoped if you pretended it didn’t happen then he would too and everyone could move on from the unfortunate incident.

“I’m so glad I saw you.  We’re having a party tonight if you and your friend are interested in coming.”  Feyre spoke, breaking you out of your downward spiral of shame.

Your mouth formed an ‘O’ shape at her invitation and you turned to look at Raquel, silently begging for her to make an excuse as to why neither of you could attend.  But Raquel gave you a wide smile that indicated she was going to do something incredibly cruel.

“I don’t mind.  I have no plans tonight.”

You suppressed a whine and turned around.  “Yeah, we’ll be there.”

“Great!  It starts at six.”  She announced and you nodded, thanking her for the information.

You glared at Raquel as you sat down. “What’s your problem?”

She shrugged.  “I wanna meet the guy.”

You didn’t want to admit the fact you were expecting Cassian to show up and walk you to the house.  You also didn’t want to admit the disappointment you felt when he never did.

You and Raquel got ready in your room much like you and the rest of your friend group would do when you were in school with incessant chatter about nothing and everything, the swap of clothes, and the occasional argument about something that would be forgotten minutes later.  It was no different now as she sat on your bed applying makeup and you sat at your desk fixing your hair.

“So,” Raquel started, a mascara wand in her hand.  “What are they like?”

By they she meant the Inner Court and you sighed inwardly.  She had been asking about your newfound coworkers and friends all day and there was only so much information you could give.

“Rhysand is observant, chooses his words carefully but put him with the other males and he gets loud and obnoxious.  Feyre is pleasant and funny.  Elain is quiet but surprising; she’s a seer though so she’s kind of weird.  Lucien is annoying but really smart.  Azriel is off putting but definitely the nicest one.  Amren, you would like, has attitude for days but it’s always directed and deserved.  Mor is just fun and super friendly.”  You fluffed your hair to give it volume and parted it, getting up to grab your makeup bag.

“And Cassian?”

Your grip on the bag fumbled slightly but you recovered quickly and turned from her to sit back down.  You shrugged nonchalantly and gave no response.

“You let him finger you, you have to know him at least a little bit.”

Your chest caved and your face grew hot.  “Shut up.”

She laughed loudly, rummaging through her own makeup bag.  “Always such a prude.”  You ignored the remark and she spoke again.  “Do you like him?”  

“I’m not talking about it,” you said with a pop of your lips as you finished applying your lipgloss.

“It’ll help.”  She crossed her legs as she sat on your bed and looked at you with her chin in her hands.

You snorted.  “What are you?  A psychologist?”

“Almost.”  She grinned.  “I just think if you talked about it then you could figure out why you’re feeling like that about him being your mate.”

You grew cold at the categorizing.  No longer a colleague or friend, he was now your mate.

“I know why and it’s because I don’t want to.  I don’t think I need to explain myself any further.”

She sighed and considered you as you attempted to be relaxed about the entire situation but she knew your tells and you were displaying every single one of them.  She wished she could say she was surprised that this was your reaction, but this was how you reacted to everything.  Normal emotions were foreign to you and you thought yourself too mature to succumb to thoughts and feelings of infatuation and the obsession that came with being in love.  It didn’t help that you truly did not understand those types of emotions and if you had then maybe you could’ve met someone and had some amount of experiences by now.  But advances made towards you always failed because of direct rejection or sheer obliviousness at the situation.  You never picked up on those things and it was evident when you missed opportunities where it was socially acceptable to express sympathy for someone; instead you’d question them and their actions leading up to their problem and their reaction, judging them for being too emotional.

“Is he a bad person?”  Raquel finally asked and she saw your demeanor soften.

“No.”  You shook your head, the need to defend Cassian surging through you.  “He’s really nice.  Kind and patient.  Considerate, even.”  You felt the bond flicker, coming to life in your gut. Every mention or thought of him woke it up and it seemed to search for him as it slithered around leaving golden flakes in its wake that made you feel alive and fulfilled in a way you’d never been before.

The walk to the house was shorter than other times because you and Raquel had not stopped talking the entire time.  Slightly tipsy after stopping for a drink your arms were looped together and you walked in tandem, revisiting memories from high school and sharing whatever updates you had from the rest of your friends.

Kristyn had moved to Hewn City with her husband.  They’d married right after high school and you had disapproved of it so much you almost didn’t attend the wedding.  You had argued with her about your decision to commit herself to an awful person and even worse partner.  But she did it anyway and according to her mother who spoke to your mother often, she was pregnant with her third child.  You had always been at odds with her for being so male obsessed.  She was constantly seeking validation through others, particularly males, especially males who were not nice to her.

Myra was at the Day Court, still learning her seer capabilities.  She became one shortly after she started puberty and it had been difficult with episodes occurring randomly that would immobilize her for days.  It got better as she got older but she thought it was best to learn about it and how to use it properly.  She rarely visited, however, always claiming to be busy studying and attending her apprenticeship.  You had always had a softer spot for her.  She was sensitive but not in the way that made her weak but in the way that it was evident she carried so much emotional weight by knowing things you all could never know.

Paula was mated and lived in a small village on the outskirts of Velaris.  She had met him through her then boyfriend, her mate being his cousin.  It was an entire ordeal and she ended up running away with him when her parents disapproved of him because he didn’t come from a good family or had a lot of money.  She never visited.  Your relationship with her was indifferent but she was the only one out of the group that you preferred to be with because, like you, she was okay with simple things and sitting in silence.

Diana became a Priestess after high school and never looked back.  She moved to the Winter Court where she became an acolyte and quickly graduated to becoming a Priestess.  She also never visited.  It was no surprise she chose that life; she’d always been more spiritual than you all and more reserved than you were.  You knew Priestess could have a regular life outside of their devotion but Diana decided to follow the religion more closely, opting for a life of solitude with the Mother, Cauldron and the Forces That Be as her only company.  You liked her, obviously, and she was intelligent so conversations were never dull and it helped having another voice of reason in the group to deter the rest from reckless behavior.

Raquel shifted her purse on her shoulder and sighed and you gave her a look.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, my bag is just heavy.”

You looked at it and then at her.  “What did you bring?”

She smirked at you and patted the bag.  “My camera. Don’t think I forgot our tradition.”

You stopped short at the door and gave her an exasperated look.  “Please don’t.  Not here at least.”

She hit your arm softly.  “Come on, Y/N!  I need to make your birthday vlog.”

“You can literally do it at any other time.”

She clicked her tongue.  “Doesn’t work like that, dear.”  Then she bounded up the steps to the house and let herself in.

Despite her passion to be a healer, Raquel loved to save any memories she could.  She saved pictures and receipts and created scrapbooks and one day she came to school with a camera that could record and take pictures so she could capture your group’s life whether it be school or personal issues or when you all went out.  Her favorite thing was to create a video for your birthdays by filming someone in particular and allowing them and the group to participate in confessionals as she called it.

You hated it because it was embarrassing to be reminded of ridiculous moments like arguments or when you were inebriated but she did it anyway and at the end of the day it was funny to watch the past year of your lives and watch everyone grow up together.

“This place is huge,” Raquel breathed out, spinning in a circle.

“Yeah.”  You let out a chuckle and took your coat off.  “Let’s go.  I’m sure everyone is in the living room.”

You were late because Raquel insisted on getting a drink before going.  You stopped at the only bar in the city that would allow underage drinking.  It was run by the same owner as when you were teenagers and he gave you free drinks while he inquired about your lives post high school.  It had been years since you’d been there; you had to have been seventeen when you had last come.  Then the attack happened and nobody saw you for a year until you healed and it took you another year to go to college; you were lucky to have finished in three years instead of the normal four so you weren’t too behind your peers.

When you were with your friends you were a completely different person.  More confident and joyful even, soaking in their energy and making it your own.  Their presence was supportive and they never walked on eggshells around you when wanting to do something or talking about something that you normally would have objected to.  They were going to do it with or without you so you went where they did in fear of missing out and surprisingly you enjoyed it.

“You’re late!”  Mor declared as you entered the room and you blushed, ducking your head.

“That’s my fault,” Raquel announced.  “I convinced her to go get a drink and it took us longer than expected.”

“Ah,”  Mor nodded her head.  “Didn’t think you went to bars, Y/N.”

You gave her a blank stare.  “I go out.”

“Not with us,” she retorted and you just rolled your eyes.  It was true you didn’t because you believed it would be too embarrassing.  You were a messy drunk and did not want anyone to see that.  More importantly you did not know everyone, only knowing them for a few months and did not want to intrude on their dynamic outside of work.

“We should while I’m here!”  Raquel suggested.  “We’re really fun.”

“We?”  Lucien raised an eyebrow at you and you threw your hands up in annoyance.

“I go out.  I’ve gone out.  I have a life.”  You defended yourself.  You sat down on the couch and crossed your arms and Raquel sat beside you, throwing her leg over yours.

Lucien raised his glass to you.  “If you insist.”

You just glared at him.  

You scanned the room quickly and noticed Azriel and Cassian were not there and for the sake of your nerves you hoped neither of them did.  But they were coming, at least Cassian was, because as you accepted a drink from Feyre and began to talk with Amren and Raquel the bond became tighter announcing his presence and soon enough he and Azriel appeared in the doorway clad in their armor and all seven siphons blazing.

It was like the air was sucked out of your body when you looked at him.  He was incredible; beautiful and gorgeous and perfectly made.  His armor fit him well, accentuating every muscle of his body and the siphons were your favorite part because they gave him an aura of strength like you’ve never seen before; their red glow complimented his skin and dark features and you couldn’t explain it but it made him look so right.  Your mouth was dry and you knew your jaw had slacked but you couldn’t, no you didn’t, have the strength to pull yourself together.

To your surprise he didn’t look at you as he made his way to Rhysand.  His face was hard and his jaw was tight, eyes dark and you could tell he was furious about something.  Azriel stood by the door, hiding in his shadows, and that’s when you noticed the blood on his hands and dirt in between his fingers.  You looked at Cassian and his hands looked the same and there was even mud in his hair.

He whispered something to Rhysand who glanced at Feyre and then nodded to Cassian and got up and they left the room silently.

The rest of the room was still watching the interaction, concern riddled on their faces.  But your face was not concerned about whatever had happened for it just expressed the most intense desire for your mate.

Raquel nudged you and you turned slowly, not taking your eyes off the door.

“I love this lovesick look you’ve got going on.”  She smirked and the faelights illuminated her brown eyes to show a playful glint to them.

You scowled and took a hearty sip of your drink.

You were still seated next to Raquel when Cassian, Azriel, and Rhysand came back.  Cassian had cleaned up, shedding his armor aside from the two siphons on his hands and a pair of black slacks and a red button up with a few of the buttons undone in an attempt to air out his seething aggravation.

Windhaven and the rest of the camps had been given orders a year ago to begin the training of eligible females and the orders had been pushed back with the excuse of the Rite, the weather, and everything else on the gods’ green planet.  It was yet another meeting with Devlon where he ran him and Azriel in circles about why the females had not been put in the training rotation.

The discussion had gone from clipped words to raising voices until fists were being raised and blows were being landed.  It had gotten nasty and incredibly bloody and Cassian and Azriel were genuinely surprised to see that they hadn’t killed anyone but they were pleased to be told that a few would need weeks, maybe even months, of recovery.

Cassian couldn’t help but stop short when he came back to the room.  He’d never seen you so relaxed and beaming with joy.  Your head was thrown so far back in laughter that it was nearly touching Nesta’s shoulder and she was wiping her eyes from how hard she was laughing as well.  Your cheeks were glowing brightly and the light being emitted from the fireplace only enhanced the look.  You looked like you had been planted in front of him from another universe, a universe where nothing bothered or worried you.  In that universe you were always smiling and your dimples were as deep as the deepest cavern in the world.  Cassian lingered by the door and watched you, as your eyes shifted from face to face and you responded back in the same volume as the one who spoke before you.  

“And guess what she did while the whole thing was on fire?”  Raquel yelled out, waving her arms in emphasis.  The group around you howled and you giggled.

A smile ghosted Cassian’s face as he took a seat across the room for you.  “I thought if I covered it, it would go away!”  He watched you rub your chest and your smile falter slightly, indirectly acknowledging his presence.

Raquel nearly spit out her drink as she raised her hand in the air.  “Well let's go back!  What did you cover it with?”

“In my defense,” you poked her.  “I didn’t know cloth would make it worse.”

Cassian leaned over to Lucien who watched the group quietly.  “What are they talking about?”

Lucien snorted a laugh.  “Raquel and Y/N’s friends tried cooking and one of them, they both say different names, set it on fire and it looks like Y/N had the bright idea to put it out with a kitchen towel.”

Cassian clicked his tongue and leaned back in his seat.  All of the females were surrounding you with Nesta and Feyre beside you and Mor and Amren and Elain on Raquel’s side.

“They’ve been there since you guys left,” Lucien whispered as he poured himself, Azriel, Cassian, and Rhysand a drink.  “Tried getting in on the fun, but,” he sighed and got comfortable in his seat.  “I couldn’t keep up and they didn’t think I was funny.”

Azriel smirked slightly and Rhysand leaned against the fireplace.  “You?  Not funny?”  Rhysand tsked Lucien jokingly.

“Let me get the camera!”  Raquel shouted and it was immediately followed by your denial.

“No,” you groaned out and swatted at her hands as they rifled through her bag.  “Not here.”

“Especially here.  We’re having fun!”

Nesta and Feyre leaned over your shoulder and you sank into Nesta, letting her have a closer look as Raquel pulled out a camera from her purse and powered it on.  She aimed it at you and you blushed, ducking your head and covering your face pleading with her to stop.

“Come on,” Raquel drawled, adjusting the settings.

“What’s the camera for?”  Mor pipped up and Raquel shot her a grin.

“Her birthday.”

The declaration let out a chorus of ‘when’s your birthday?’ and Cassian watched you shift in your seat.

“It’s not even close.”

“Close?  It’s next month.”  You shot Raquel a look who didn’t seem to notice and the rest of the females erupted in chaos.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”  Feyre gasped.

“Do you have anything planned?”  Elain asked.

More questions came flooding inquiring about what you liked and what you wanted for your birthday and if they could plan something for you.  You sank into your seat and Nesta just wrapped an arm around you to keep you in place.

“Please!”  You let out a stressed laugh and waved your arms around.  “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Cassian realized he never did know your birthday.  He’d always assumed it was the Fall for some reason but not so late in Spring and so close to Summer.  The soft glow he’d seen earlier was now a deep shade of red as you drowned in the embarrassment of being the center of attention.  Your eyes glanced around the room in hopes of avoiding the questions and they landed on Cassian and your eyes widening slightly and your lips parted.  You looked like you were going to say something with the way you raised your hand slightly but you quickly tucked that hand under your thigh and turned your attention back to Raquel who got the camera working and shouted for you to pose and smile.  It took you what seemed like ages to take your eyes off his face but you did and suddenly you were the female he was watching before you took note of him but the tension in your shoulders told him it was just a mask.

You leaned into Feyre and Nesta who put their heads on your shoulder and you raised your leg as you turned your head to smile, flashing your teeth at the camera.  You laughed as the lens shuttered and then Raquel turned around and stretched out her arm and took another with all the females behind her.

“Let me see!”  Mor demanded, grabbing for the camera and Raquel passed it to her and you all surrounded it and laughed at the poses you all had made.

“That one is good.”  Elain pointed at the screen and Cassian watched you nod and complement the middle Archeron sister’s dress and the way the light caught it just right in the photo.

Watching you from afar was captivating and it fulfilled every one of his senses but it was also incredibly difficult.  Cassian wanted to be seated beside you and hear your laugh rumble through him and feel the way your smile seared him straight to the core.  He’d never seen you like this before.  Albeit earlier it was better; you were looser and more chirpy.  Now, you were a more subdued version since you’d look at him but regardless you were a different version of yourself tonight.  It was all Raquel.  She included you in the conversation with an inviting look in her eyes and kept a hand on you at all times.  This he could tell was what kept you in the loop and grounded in reality.  He’d notice how other times you got easily overwhelmed by so many conversing at once and so many topics being discussed and it was easy for you to fade in the background until something piqued your interest or you were asked a question.  Here, you listened to everything and commented on it too and you hadn’t shown the slightest evidence of boredom, annoyance, or anxiety.  It must’ve helped to have a friend at your side, he thought.

The realization struck Cassian harder than he thought it would and he felt the glass he was holding shake in his hand.  Had none of the Court been a good friend to you?  Had he not been a good friend to you?  No amount of dinners or after work socializing had gotten you this happy with a constant stream of giggles and cheeks so big from smiling he knew they’d be hurting sooner or later.  It might’ve been selfish to wonder this and feel sorry for himself for not being who you needed him to be.  But he did.  He wished he had been more for you because it was obvious you were lacking something and to watch you tonight it was obvious you were lacking friends.  Friendship; real, genuine friendship.  He thought he’d offer that but to what extent?  Friendship that turned into longing glances and forbidden touches and now a mating bond that has torn you two apart?  That wasn’t enough.  He hadn’t done enough.

You shifted in your seat, glancing at him again and he hadn’t looked away yet.  His gaze was fixated on you and not in a way that was hard or hungry but in a way that seemed to be deep in thought, considering you in this room surrounded by friends.  It seemed like he was looking at you for the first time or maybe even viewing you in a new light.

“I think,” Mor spoke slowly, her words slightly slurring together.  “We should go out tonight.”

“Oh,” Amren breathed out and tipped her glass towards the blonde.  “I think you’re onto something, girl.”

Raquel looked at you with a questioning look and you grimaced slightly.  You were not in the mood for any more of this.  You were tired and already a fourth glass of wine had been nestled in your hands by Feyre which you accepted because who were you to say no to a pleasant distraction from Cassian’s ever loomed presence in the room and deep within you?

You looked at the clock and then at Raquel, signaling it was late but Raquel just tilted her head and her eyes pleaded with you.  Raquel was the fun one, never saying no and going to a bar with a group that seemed to be on the wavelength and who also seemed like they would pick up the tab was not an opportunity she wanted to pass down.  You regrettably resigned to her puppy dog-like brown eyes and gave her a soft smile.

“Settled!”  Feyre shouted and looked over at the group of males who seemed incredibly lonely in their corner of the room.  “Are you guys coming with?”

“I don’t think we have a choice, Feyre darling.”  Rhysand responded and the rest simply nodded.  There was no way in Hell that they would let you all go out alone.

Cassian was the only one who didn’t seem to mind the extended invitation to inadvertently spend more time with you.

taglist: @thecraziestcrayon | @rcarbo1 | @azrielsshadows42 | @faridathefairy

[bldhrry]

the itch to rewrite a court of passion and daydreams

[bldhrry]

Sebastian Stan wins his first Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Motion Picture: Musical or Comedy for "A DIFFERENT MAN"

[bldhrry]

[bldhrry]

Why do they keep accidentally making him look like the coolest person alive don’t they want us to hate him

[bldhrry]

The Brute and The Scholar

Chapter Nine | Midnight Rain Cassian x Fem!Reader Previous Chapter | Next Chapter Series Masterlist | General Masterlist

word count: 5.5k

warnings: smut (18+, minors dni), cursing

author's note: lmk what you think besties! so excited for the bs i'm gonna put these two through

You squeezed Cassian’s hand as you leaned into him, sighing into the kiss.  It was much different this time.  It was tender and slow and his lips felt so right against yours.

Cassian removed his hand from yours to cup your face, imprinting your cheek with the spirit’s bright matter and his touch ignited something within you.  It was primal and consumed you entirely.  It sparked something deep inside you and the fire you felt the night you had first kissed him was reignited.  But instead of feeling it on your skin, it burned you from the inside.  It started in the pit of your stomach and traveled through your veins until it engulfed you entirely making your skin glow with its warmth.

You snaked your hand up from the exposed skin of his chest to his neck and tangled your fingers in his hair leaving a trail of gold and giving him golden highlights in his hair.  Cassian sighed into your mouth at the contact and he felt goosebumps rise as your hand slowly made its way up to his hair.  The weight of your fingers at the back of his head was exhilarating.  He didn’t need to hear your moans to know you wanted this.  Your physical touch was enough because it was clear you were keeping him as close to you as possible.

The kiss didn’t break as he walked you backwards until your back hit the railing and he gripped your waist and jerked you towards him, pressing you into him even more if it was even possible given that you two were nearly enmeshed into each other’s bodies.

He kissed you harder now, seeking entrance into your mouth and you eagerly obliged as you parted your lips and felt his tongue slide inside.  Your tongues danced together in a familiar rhythm and you moaned, the sound guttural and low.  You were growing needy and you pushed his head down so you could feel him more and Cassian wrapped his arm around your waist.  He had no intention of letting you go.

You broke away, catching your breath.  You were panting and you could feel your chest heaving up and down and a thrilling sense of desire spread in your chest.  You couldn’t breathe; this was so much and yet you couldn’t get enough.  You needed to feel his lips again so you could memorize the way they moved and tasted.

Cassian brushed his nose with yours and you tilted your face and your lips brushed against each other.  He gripped the back of your neck and craned his neck down and started kissing your cheek and then your neck until he found the spot that made you cry out the other day.  This time you moaned and the sound was loud and full and you whined as he nipped and sucked at it slightly eliciting more noises of pleasure as your head rolled back and you started breathing heavier than before.

Almost as if on instinct, you trailed your leg up the back of his, wrapping your leg around his until you reached his waist and settled yourself there.  Your dress had a split down the side that Cassian hadn’t noticed before and now it parted on each side of your thigh, exposing the skin to the night air.  Goosebumps illuminated in the moonlight and he traced his tongue down your neck and he watched as you squeezed his side with your leg in approval.

You cursed when Cassian removed his arm from your waist and grabbed the side of your thigh, helping to keep it suspended.  He palmed your skin slightly, feeling its smooth skin press into his palm and fingertips.  He felt you buck your hips and he welcomed the friction it brought and he heard you gasp at the contact.  He was straining against the front of his pants and it threatened to rip at the seams.  It was otherworldly what you did to him and without meaning to and the reactions you elicited from him.  He’d never been so quick to be aroused and the evidence of it was embarrassing.  Cassian wanted to be more composed but he simply couldn’t help it; sometimes the twinkle in your eye made him stiffen and shift in his seat.  It was preposterous.

His hand was firm as he moved up your thigh and grabbed your hips tightly and you whined, extending your leg forward to bring him in and with how close he was you were able to wrap your leg around his waist essentially trapping him against you.

He kissed you again and played with the hem of your underwear with the tips of his fingers.  The top was lace and he bit your lip at the realization letting out a groan and you grinned and rolled your hips against him.  The movement made his hand shift until it was gripping your backside and he squeezed it, making you gasp and he took the opportunity of your parted lips to kiss you hard, much harder than before but you didn’t shy away from it instead you matched the way his mouth worked feverishly against yours.  Cupping his face you pulled him in closer and you couldn’t stop the moans from rising in your throat.  

The way he touched you was unlike anything you’d experienced before and it was intoxicating.  He was intoxicating, filling your senses and taking root in your bones making it their home and you welcomed it, encouraged it even.

You started to quiver beneath his embrace as he moved his hand to the inside of your thigh and trailed one finger side to side in the space between your thigh and pelvis.  Your eyes shot open at the sensation and you broke the kiss but you didn’t pull away, rather the only movement you made was shifting your leg so he had more access to the area.

Cassian’s eyes opened slowly and his pupils were blown, overtaken the mixture of green, brown, and gold that made up his irises and you shuddered and let out a heavy breath.  He looked almost crazed but calm and secure at the same time.  He never stopped the back and forth motion of his finger and you nearly fell to your knees when he just barely placed his finger beneath your underwear.

Your body felt electrified at the feeling and the endless possibilities.  The heat between your thighs was excruciating at this point and you needed a release.

“Yes,” you cried softly.

Cassian didn’t need to be told twice.

You were so warm and so wet and Cassian gritted his teeth as he groaned.

You’d wrapped your arms around his neck and buried your face into his shoulder, muffling the proof of the pleasure he was providing.

Cassian’s finger was slow and methodical as he made circles on your circle.  You grinded against his hand trying to get more contact and urging him to go faster but he didn’t.  He kept the pace agonizingly slow but it was so good that you couldn’t complain or demand for more.  

Cassian relished in the way you felt beneath him, inside and out, and the noises you made against him.  Quiet enough that nobody but him could hear but loud enough that reassured him he was doing it right.  Your arousal was growing, coating his fingers and the fabric of your underwear and he panted into your ear, clutching the back of your neck.

“Y/N.”  He breathed into your ear and the sound came out strangled and weak.  His own arousal was killing him and he knew he’d already spilled a small amount into his boxers.

You fisted his hair in your heads and squeezed your eyes shut.  Your breathing was growing more ragged and you could feel your climax approaching.  It felt like a wave, growing bigger and bigger and it was so close to crashing into you and knocking you off your feet.

Sliding his finger down he teased your entrance and you grounded out a ‘yes’ and he slid his finger inside.

You were tight and warm and it was absolutely exquisite.  Your braid came loose as he threaded his fingers into the hair at the nape of your neck.  He pulled your neck back so you could look at him and you opened your eyes and almost immediately closed them again.

Looking at him only increased your pleasure.  He was gorgeous.  His hair was falling into his face and the moon had moved behind him, casting its light and it made him look like he was from another planet, so ethereal and frankly unreal.  You could not believe he was in front of you, kissing and touching you in places you never thought someone, especially him, would be doing.  But he was and he was in need of you as much as you were in need of him and this you knew from his heavy, audible breathing and the hardness in his pants pressing against your naval.  

You couldn’t look away.  He had captivated you with whatever spell he had conjured and you fell into it deeper and deeper with every second that passed, with every pump of his finger and your breathing increased, growing higher in pitch with each movement of his hand and surprisingly his gaze.  It was intense and encouragement flashed through them as he increased his speed and when your head fell backwards and your eyes rolled into the back of your head he grinned.

“You are so fucking beautiful.”  He whispered in your ear, letting his lips graze it and you let out a pitiful whine.

“Cass,” you cried and your mouth fell open.  

A breeze passed around you and the scent of your arousal wafted towards him and he groaned and pressed an open kiss on your neck and you cursed, your hips jerking to the side.

Close, you were so close and Cassian knew it by the way your moans kept falling from your lips in a never ending cascade and the way you tightened around him.  He loved it all and treasured every moment.  You kept calling out his name and it was the best sound he had ever heard.  You were reminding him with every utterance of his name that he was the one doing this and that he was the one you were allowing to bring you to the edge and over it.  You were his in this moment and he showed his appreciation by curling his finger and hitting a spot that made you gasp and grab onto him like your life depended on it.

You were shaking, your legs even more so as you fisted his hair in your hand again and raised yourself on your toes and pressed your face into his neck.

The air around you seemed to vibrate and you heard nothing but a buzzing in your ear and Cassian’s lips on your neck.  Cassian couldn’t hear anything but your moans and drawn out curses.  He could feel the vibration in the air too and the way it passed through and around him, encircling you both and keeping you in a shared bubble meant only for you, created only for you.  It was keeping you together and Cassian could’ve sworn that a thought was given to him that it was doing this to keep you together forever.

Neither of you heard the approaching footsteps or voices until Rhysand and Azriel rounded the corner leading to the balcony.

“Hey Cass-” Rhysand stopped suddenly and Azriel bumped into him.

“Oh my gods!”  You screamed and pulled away from Cassian and bumped into the railing, covering your face.

Cassian immediately spread his wings to cover you and turned his head to look at his brothers.

His eyes were dark and threatening and he bared his teeth slightly, ready to snarl and protect what was his.  Possession surged through him and the two males in the doorway took a step back.

Rhysand recognized the look.  He’d seen it in the mirror, on his own face, plenty of times.  He knew what this was.  So he raised his hands slightly and shook his head.

I didn’t see a thing.  He passed the thought to Cassian and Cassian gave him a curt nod and glanced at Azriel who gave him a nod and the two left just as quickly as they’d come.

You were horrified.  There was no other word to describe the embarrassment and fear that replaced your arousal.  

You readjusted your dress and slid away from Cassian, tears started to fall down your cheeks smearing the glow that Cassian had left.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out.  “I’m sorry.  This was a mistake.”  You shook your head, covering your mouth and shaking your head.  This was a mistake; this was one of the biggest mistakes you’d ever made.

Cassian turned to you, shock spread across his features.  “What?”

“This was wrong.  We shouldn’t have done that.  I’m sorry.”  You turned to leave and Cassian grabbed your wrist and you whirled around to face.

“You cannot keep denying me Y/N.”  He hissed.  “You know what this is.  You admitted it.”

You had, just the night before.  But that didn’t matter anymore, especially now that you had defiled yourself publicly.  You were utterly ashamed of yourself and you looked at Cassian with wide eyes that express exactly that.

“This is a mistake.  We can’t do this again.”  You turned to leave but his grip only tightened and you gave him a pleading look.

“I love you.  I am in love with you.  Y/N please.”  His voice cracked as he pleaded with you to stay.

Terror washed over you and you looked at him in disbelief.  

“No,” you cried.  “Don’t do this to me.”

Impossible.  It was impossible for you to be loved, not by him or anyone for that matter.  This could not be.  You didn’t want it and you willed away the glow that erupted in your chest at his proclamation.  You pushed aside the feelings of reciprocation and the way that every instinct within you urged you to accept it.

You shook your head again and wiped your face and taking a steady breath you stood straighter and looked him in the eyes.  You balled your hands into fists, the spirit being squished at the movement and it started to drip onto the floor, a metaphorical representation of your refusal.  You were letting it go, letting his claim on you go, and letting something that fate had decided slip through your fingers no matter how much you wanted to hold on to it and keep it close.

“I’m so sorry, Cassian.”  You bit your lip to suppress another cry and Cassian’s face fell even more and he clutched his chest and he took a step towards you, his mouth opening to say something but you took a step back and shook your head slightly as you turned away from him.

“I can’t.” You whispered.

Cassian followed you with a determined stride.  He refused to let you do this to him and most importantly to yourself.  You were denying yourself the pleasure of being loved because of some sick notion you had tricked yourself into believing.  He didn’t know why you were doing this.  He knew you felt the same and whether it was love or not he didn’t care because it didn’t matter because you felt something and that was enough for him to fight for you.

He had already accepted it and he could feel it thudding in his chest, giving him life.  He was alive before, sure, but this was a new sensation, one that had transformed him to be perfectly made for you.

“Y/N!”  He bellowed behind you but you kept walking, your pace fast and brisk.

You could feel him.  You could feel the way he was hurting and how angry he was and the emotions swirled around in your gut, making you dizzy and nauseous.  You could see his thoughts too and you gritted your teeth as you headed towards the West wing of the house where the bedrooms were at.  They were swarming you and cutting you like knives, embedding themselves in your body reminding you of the gravity of the situation.

She can’t do this to me, it whispered.  I love her, it persisted.  

You shoved it out of your mind with so much force that you stumbled slightly and Cassian gained on you quickly but you recovered and steered yourself towards Nesta’s bedroom.

“Y/N.”  He growled and it sounded and felt like a warning, like a threat but you paid him no mind as you waved your hand behind you, dismissing him.

Leave me alone, please.  You begged it but it didn’t move.  It hounded you like a starved beast.

You flung open the door and immediately went to close it but Cassian stopped it with his foot and shoved his way in and you foundered backwards.

“Get out.”  You demanded but Cassian just shook his head.

“Do not do this.”  It was his turn to make a demand.

“You,” you took a step towards him and pointed at him.  Your throat was thick and felt like it was closing.  You felt so trapped and weirdly enough so alone.  “You don’t get to do this to me.  You do not get to-”

“Love you?”  He let out a dry laugh and ran his fingers through his hair.  “You are ridiculous.  You know it’s there because I can fucking feel it, Y/N.  I can feel you, I always have!”  His voice grew louder and he threw his hands in the air.  “You mean to tell me that you don’t?  That all this time we’ve been playing cat and mouse you never felt me too?”

You had and you still did, now even more.  Wherever he was you knew about it and you followed that knowledge to find him.  It was a sacred feeling that you held onto because it let you know he was near and safe.  You were drawn to him from the beginning even through the apprehension and fear.  You caved to his requests and his presence even when you shouldn’t have.  You should not have let him be so close because it made you look like a fool, so pathetic to the charisma he possessed.

“Stop it.”  You begged.  “Please stop it.  I cannot do this.  I-”  Your voice failed you and you looked to the ceiling, hoping the Mother could help you.  “I can’t do this.  You have to leave.  I shouldn’t have done it and I’m sorry.  I made a mistake and I’m sorry for hurting you and doing this.  I shouldn’t have.  Please, Cassian, I am so sorry.”  You were full on crying now, tears blurring your vision and yet you could see him so clearly.

“It is not a mistake.  This was not a mistake, it never was.”  He grounded out the words and you whimpered.  “I love you!”  He took a step towards you and you braced yourself, placing a hand at the base of your throat.

“You need to stop Cassian.”  You warned but he kept moving towards you.

His eyes were so soft and inviting, welcoming you to join him and be with him and to let him be yours.  And gods you wanted him more than anything you’d wanted in your life and it was amazing that this level of need existed.  He was everything to you but you were not worthy of the unconditional love he was offering you or the life that fate was trying to promise you.

“I can’t do this.  You know I can’t.  I don’t want this.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”  He reached out to grab you and you screamed.  

“Stop!  Please,” you sobbed.  “I don’t want it.  I don’t want you.  I can’t have you.”

Cassian didn’t even register the obvious deceit you were forcing on to him.  He could feel your confliction and he could see it in the way that you braced yourself on the bed but yet leaned towards him.

“You can have me,” he said softly.  “I want you to have me.  I want you.  I love you.”

“Stop saying that!”  You covered your ears and shut your eyes tightly.  “Stop saying it.  I don’t want it!”

I can't have it, I can’t have it, I can't have it.  You repeated the mantra in your head.

“What’s going on?”  Nesta appeared in the doorway.  She had come for a shawl when she heard yelling.

You opened your eyes and Cassian turned around and Nesta’s eyes flickered between you both and her nostrils flared.  But despite it she noted the tears that adorned your face and the trembling of your body.  She noted Cassian’s defensive stance and the fierce look in his eyes.  But she didn’t back down.  She raised her head and gracefully entered the room, her stare matching his own intense one.

“Get out, Cassian,” she said simply, her voice cool, and a muscle in Cassian’s jaw twitched.  The feeling of possession flooded him again.  “I said,” she approached him and lifted her head higher.  He saw the silver that was overtaking the blue and the flames that flickered within.  “Get out.”

Cassian swayed, debating whether he was willing to challenge her authority but you whimpered beside him and a silent sob rocked through you.  He inched his hand towards you in an invitation but you leaned away from him.

Please don’t, you implored and you ached at the devastation that embellished his face and at the way it wafted towards you, settling in your gut.

Without a word Cassian left the room, leaving his mate behind.

Nesta didn’t ask any questions and you didn’t provide any answers.  She silently moved through the room grabbing you night clothes.  

You hadn’t moved from the foot of the bed.  Your body felt heavy and you felt sick.  You were reeling from it all, from the emotions that filled your body to the realization that Cassian’s affections were real.  You were not equipped to handle so much at once, especially something of this magnitude.  You were made for a simple life that was occupied by your studies and work, not occupied by a soul crushing devotion that was destined to exist for your entire life.

Nesta urged you to bathe and attempt to relax and you gave her a look of appreciation.

“Thank you.  I’m sorry.”  You were embarrassed of being so emotional and causing a scene but she gave you a soft and warm smile.

“It’ll be okay.”

Your face faltered and your bottom lip quivered but you just nodded and slipped into the bathroom.  You stepped into the tub and slid down until the water reached your neck and you sighed as the warmth enveloped your body.

Closing your eyes was a mistake because you saw Cassian’s lustful gaze that quickly morphed into the look he had given you before he left.  It hurt beyond words and you knew that separation from a mate was disastrous but you had no choice.  You would have to endure the rejection for everybody’s sake.  He wouldn’t want you anyway after he learned of what you’d done.  So, to avoid the inevitable you left first.  It would save him the heartbreak later anyway.  You would both suffer for now but soon it would pass and you’d move on.  He would find someone worthy of his time and loyalty and he would be happy and forget about you, this you were sure of.

Nesta left you to your devices and returned to the party and when she was asked where you were she stated that you felt sick and were laying down.  Cassian didn’t return and the rest of the group snickered, assuming you two were together doing gods know what so the bets were set and once they got confirmation, the winner would be paid out.

Nesta hung back from the group, observing the remnants of Starfall when Rhysand approached and stood beside her, hands in his pockets.

“How is she?”  He didn’t look at her and kept his gaze trained at the sky.

“Who?”  She asked, feigning ignorance.

“I know, Nesta.”  He clicked his tongue.  “Azriel and I, uh-”  He rubbed the back of his neck and his cheeks flushed with heat.  “We walked in on them.”

“Hm,” was all she responded with.  After a few moments of silence she crossed her arms and leaned forward onto the railing.  “She’s rejected him.”

Rhysand jumped at the news and turned to her, his eyes wide.  “Are you sure?”

“They argued about it and she told him to leave.”  Her expression was unreadable, but inside she was simmering with rage at the way you were so hurt and at Cassian’s persistence.

“Fucking hell,” he sighed.  

He had not anticipated that in the slightest and assumed the couple would rejoice.  It had been months of the back and forth and it was evident that their feelings were growing for each other.  He hadn’t suspected the mating bond.  Sure Cassian was obsessed with you but he was a romantic so Rhysand wouldn’t put it past Cassian to be so head over heels for you.  But this was next level; this was the Mother, the Cauldron, hell it was even fate.

“You should check on him.”  Nesta said after a few minutes.  “He tried talking her into it but she wasn't having it.  I think she’s in shock but she seemed adamant.  He was,” Nesta breathed in deeply, “agitated to say the least.  Desperate even; it was kind of gross.”

Rhysand rolled his eyes.  “The mating bond is something else.”  It makes you irrational.  It’s like a switch and you’re a completely different person.  If she truly rejected the bond, then he is legitimately suffering.”

Nesta didn’t respond.  She knew he was right but the terror on your face was something she’d never seen before and she didn’t think convincing you to accept it would fix how you truly felt about it.

When Starfall and the party ended you were already asleep, so Nesta silently got ready for bed and slid in beside you.  You were tucked into yourself and by the way your face was still puffy and you were breathing through your mouth it was clear you had cried more since she had left.  Nesta scooted behind you and wrapped her arms around you in an embrace.

Cassian was suffering.  Rage and grief consumed his body and mind and all he could think about was the way you had screamed when you announced that you did not want the bond, but what struck him the most was your insistence that you could not have it.  He couldn’t make sense of that and why you felt that way.  You could’ve just outright rejected him but instead you seemed to be rejecting yourself.

He was nursing his fifth glass of liquor when Azriel and Rhysand appeared in the living room.  Cassian didn’t have it in him to be too far from you so he was just down at the end of the hall, periodically checking to see if Nesta’s door would open and you would emerge.  But you never did and you had closed yourself off so he couldn’t feel anything on the other side of the bond much less make any attempt to reach out.

“We heard,” was all Azriel said when he took his seat on the opposing loveseat and crossed his ankle over his knee.  

Rhysand quietly took his own seat on the couch, looking at Cassian intently.

Cassian said nothing while he stared into the flames burning in the fireplace.  There was nothing to say.  He chugged the rest of his drink and reached for the bottle on the side table and poured himself another glass.

“I think,” Rhysand started.  “You should give her some time.  I’m sure she’s just overwhelmed.  Feyre almost took my head when she found out.”  He attempted a chuckle but it came out awkwardly.

Cassian glared at his brother and scoffed quietly.  He sucked at his teeth and set his sights back at the fire.

“You can’t force her.”  Azriel said after a couple of minutes.  He’d pursued Elain and it seemed to only push her away and towards the one person he did not want her to go to.  Elain was not his mate but he cared for her, loved her even, and the rejection had shattered him.  He knew how Cassian felt and he knew the feelings were amplified because of the bond.

“She’s lying to herself.  For no fucking reason.”  Scoffing through his nose he took a sip.

“Let her realize that.”  Azriel’s tone was patient and he looked at Rhysand for backup and his brother nodded.

“She won’t.  She does this shit on purpose.”  He flexed his jaw and closed his eyes, fighting back a cry that was sneaking up his throat.  “Every single time we move forward she goes and acts like nothing happened.”  He looked at Rhysand and Azriel and there were tears in his eyes.  “Every single fucking time.”  His voice cracked and he ran his tongue along his teeth.  “It makes no sense.  Kept saying she couldn’t, that she can’t have it.  Why not?”  With a shaky hand he brought the glass to his lips and took a longer sip than before.

“She needs space to work through it.  I’ve seen her with you and it’s obvious it’s there for her too, but you know how she is.  Y/N is,” Rhysand waved his hand trying to find the words.  “She’s private, non expressive.  I’m sure this is her worst nightmare.”

Cassian snorted.  “Am I that bad?”

Rhysand sighed.  “Cass, you know that’s not what I meant.  She’s just different.  She won’t process this like everybody else so you need to let her deal with it in her own way.”

“By ignoring it?”  Cassian snapped and narrowed his eyes on Rhysand.  “We work well together and she knows it.  She,” he trailed off and gritted his teeth.

He wanted to say that you wanted him and that he was confident that you did but he realized how arrogant that sounded,  He couldn’t claim you as his and demand that it be that way.  He had no right to do that but Cassian simply couldn’t fathom not having you and not being with you.  He knew you so well.  He knew your quirks and triggers, he knew what you liked and didn’t, he knew what made you laugh and what made you wrinkle your nose.  He knew everything and yet you surprised him all the time with your smart remarks and plethora of attitudes and moods.  He knew every moment that he felt that spark in his chest and every moment he fell more in love with you.  He’d mentally documented the times you looked at him like you adored him and how sometimes your hand would graze his like you were contemplating holding on to it.  He knew you expected him to keep up your routine so when he’d pretend to not walk you home he’d notice how you lingered at the door and peek at him over your shoulder and your cue for him to give up the facade was to ask if he had plans; he jumped up from his desk with a grin and deny having plans and admit he was waiting to see if you wanted him which made you scowl and muttered that you were just asking to be nice but then he’d note how you walked closer to him than the other times you’d walk to your house together.

And he knew that you knew him too.  You knew when to chastise him and when to support him.  You knew when he was stressed by the way he wouldn’t stop messing with his hair.  When he was anxious he refused to sit and opted to stand or pace.  You knew the moments that he needed you near and when you needed to allow him to express his affection.  He knew you knew this because he noticed you all the time.  And those moments where you expressed yourself in a way that only he understood fueled his hope that you loved him too.

Nobody else spoke for the rest of the time that they sat around the fire.  There was nothing that could be said that would reassure him of his future with you, his mate.  So they let Cassian simmer and watched as he racked his brain for ways to win you over.  You’d confessed and you couldn’t take that back.  You’d kissed him twice and you couldn’t take that back.  But it was clear you would and were determined to do so.  He just wished you wouldn’t.

You hid in Nesta’s room the next day and when the coast was clear Azriel took you home.  He gave you an awkward pat on the back and an even awkward smile as he bid you goodbye and when you walked into the house your mother knew something had happened.  It was written on your face and the sadness that surrounded you was heavy and palpable.

“What happened?”  She approached you with her arms outstretched and you accepted her embrace and began to sob loudly into her shoulder.  She rubbed your back and rocked you back and forth.

“He’s my mate,” you cried out, finally admitting it to yourself.

taglist: @thecraziestcrayon | @rcarbo1 | @azrielsshadows42 | @faridathefairy

[bldhrry]

omg why does chapter nine of tbats kinda eat

[bldhrry]

SHIV ROY + DRESSES

[bldhrry]

[bldhrry]

“i heard so many people say that the eras tour felt like a safe space. a place for radical girlhood, boyhood or personhood and unapologetic joy. […] my hope is that you won’t let that behavior end with the end of the eras tour. it doesn’t have to be the end of an era of joy and acceptance. my hope is that you find ways to create these spaces around you in your daily life, your school, your job. that would be a real legacy to leave.” oh i’m a puddle of tears 😭