beowulfxgrendel

[beowulfxgrendel]

Well well well. Stakeout (one of the few bands that I'm actually excited about concerning new releases) just teased that a few songs might be dropped soon. Do I trust them or will I learn from the hopes I had when The amazing devil teased they might release new music soon, which was over a year ago and we still don't have any news about?

(Yes I am aware Stakeout and The amazing devil have nothing whatsoever in common. But I don't care. I like both their music a lot)

[beowulfxgrendel]

reblog this if you are not only okay with booping spams but encourage it. blow up my notifications go buck wild we both get our big funny boop numbers

[beowulfxgrendel]

I'm thinking about leaving a server of a fandom because they are nice and kind. I know that sounds illogical. So let me explain. They like the fanart and writing I did. I liked it all too. But because I've done quite some stuff that I'm proud of in quite a short period of time I'm scared of messing up or of not meeting expectations.

And because they seem so nice and kind it's kinda difficult to deal with moments when I'm confronted with the reality that they also are people and therefore have opinions that sometimes differ drastically from my own. For example there's quite some talking about hp and people that arent in this fandom are called muggles by most (there is another word, which im using because it feels just so wrong to use that word but still. Reading it so often is just frustrating). And for me as a trans person I am already not the most comfortable with that. And then people talked about how we shouldn't always separate the artist/author from their work and that if someone wants to consume media etc from certain people then pirating would be better because that doesn't support them. But then at the same day people talk about buying hp books and other merch. And I mean sure, I get it. These things meant quite a lot to me too. But still I think it's wrong to support such a transphobic women.

And I'm aware that's not my decision to make. They are their own people with their own choices.

Still I'm affected by it and sometimes almost cry when I see that that's a topic again, because I know that once more no one will say much negative stuff about it. And I can't just ignore these "arguments" because then I'm scared of missing something. But I don't know how much longer I can stay in that server without hp ruining it for me. And that sucks. Because I love the server and all the people there. They are all so nice and welcoming.

Maybe I'll have to leave for some time and then come back once I'm fine again. Don't know if I want to though, because I'd still feel like missing something.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes being overstimulated (looking at you carbonated drink) and understimulated (looking at you comfort playlist) at the same time while trying to write stuff (looking at my "hurt-no comfort" stuff I'm writing for a fandom of literally 5 people) because I've had some time (3 hours of which I've wasted two already) and wanted to use it.

I've literally only been able to write about 200 words in two hours. I hate it.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Hier jetzt auch das zweite Ölbild von TM

[beowulfxgrendel]

the amazing devil fans are never normal about them. theyre not like yeah theyre a cool band i like their music. theyre like the picture of joey in a dress and madeleine in a suit was my bisexual awakening and farewell wanderlust is my gender. i relate to drinking song for the socially anxious on an unhealthy level and i cry to it every time i have to leave my house. i would sacrifice my firstborn to see the amazing devil perform live and im currently on my way to get an inkpot gods tattoo

[beowulfxgrendel]

On my way to Munich right now. Kinda excited. Very nervous.

(But I'll try my best to remember everything as well as I can)

(And I'll keep my eyes open for TM)

[beowulfxgrendel]

(Nothing to see here. Just a few little scenes I created in acnh because the TM/TS brainrot persists)

[beowulfxgrendel]

(Here now too the little TM gif that I created yesterday)

[beowulfxgrendel]

The urge to write because of ✨️inspiration✨️ and ✨️motivation✨️ while on the train and therefore not being able to do so

[beowulfxgrendel]

When the hyperfixation leaks into animal crossing I know it's severe.

On a completely unrelated note: I now created a second acnh account thingy that I called Thomas

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes. Having three or four wips (->writing not painting) but then hearing a few sentences in a podcast and deciding "No, these can wait. I have the perfect idea what to write!" and then actually feeling the need to write it right now because sleep can wait, but this story can't, apparently.

I'll see where it takes me. But up to now it's still beneath 1000 words. I just hope i finish it soon, so I can go to sleep.

Oh, and I also don't really have a tilte for it up to now ( I was thinking maybe some stakeout lyrics but don't know what exactly fits best).

Edit: reached 1k words. Might go to sleep now

[beowulfxgrendel]

It's quite interesting how my interest in listening to certain podcasts has changed since I've been on the server (compared to before) and since I've been convinced to ship TM/TS

Before:

SC: ah yes, quite nice and interesting. And they even talk about stuff that's interesting to me

BWB: Hm, quite interesting but there's way too much and I'm not that interested in hearing what TS or JL are saying and half the topics are things that bore me

EVDS: haven't heard of it

Since I've joined:

SC: Quite interesting still but not as much as before. Most topics are boring and I'm mostly listening for the random storys that happened to JK

BWB: Oh quite interesting now. And I'm actually interested in the stuff JL tells because TS/JL is what interests me right now. Most of TS' topics still bore me (and I occasionally skip them). Oh and I actually enjoy staying up to listen it immediately after release

EVDS: Oh they have a podcast? I don't know much about them but their podcast is way more fun than the other two podcasts and I can listen to them to fall asleep, so I'll just start at episode 1

Since I've started shipping TM/TS:

SC: not interesting at all anymore. I still listen to it but not on the release day

BWB: I should have taken notes on TS. I clearly need to hear it all and make notes. I don't really skip any topics at all anymore but mostly have no time to stay up to listen to it immediately.

EVDS: Still funny, but I listen to it all very carefully and note any interesting facts TM drops with the episode number and time. I'll listen to it on the release day and am still hearing the old episodes every day

[beowulfxgrendel]

On a more positive note I have to say that the community is just sooo very kind and accepting. I've only experienced support from all of them. Like everything I've shared with them got appreciated so much and it makes me so happy to share sketches that only took a few minutes but that make people soo happy. Cause they're not that much work for me but since there isn't much fanart they are so grateful and nice. Even when I know something turned out wrong they don't care about the mistakes.

So thanks to all you kind souls,

Lots of love to all of you <3

[beowulfxgrendel]

A few thought i had about someone and about emotions that i wanted to share:

I think its very interesting how someone can admire and hate a person at the same time. It just seems so illogical to me and I've never really experienced it before like right now.

They give me so much comfort and gender Euphorie because they're kind of a good role model for me to not be scared of doing stuff that is considered feminin while being transmasc. Like they're wearing eyeliner/kajal and nail polish and are or at least were taking testosterone because of a deficit and they think gender stereotypes are dumb.

And that gave me so much confidence to start wearing nail polish and eyeliner again.

And they are just overall such an inspiration (and a very cool person) and I really like drawing/painting them.

But at the same time they're probably the reason why I've felt no desire to paint at all the last few days and actually had to cry more than once. Cause they have such a unique writing style and I'm pretty sure they wrote that one comment about my painting, that made me regret posting it as soon as I read it.

Like I really appreciate them reposting my art. That's great. And tagging me was also very kind (and they also kinda have the right to just post it on their account since my reference was their picture to begin with, but at least telling me or asking me would have been very nice too) but taking two in-progress pictures that look even worse than the finished painting (which I also captioned as clearly not perfect) because they're from a moment where most things where clearly not finished (and also my signature wasn't on it) and then putting a caption that says that I painted them how I see them with my heart (which is not true at all. I admire them and was painting them for practise. To get better at painting. Because I was so inspired by them) and that "someone could have told them that they aren't as beautiful as they thought they were" has just been putting my inspiration to a complete stop.

I was so proud of how the painting turned out but I was also clearly aware that it wasn't perfect (but that I would ruin it if I continued working on it, cause the text parts had already frustrated me too much). And now when I'm looking at it I'm constantly reminded of their opinion on it and have to stop myself from just destroying it because it makes me so sad and angry and disappointed in myself or from deleting the post (because as I said they tagged me. And if people would look at my profile they wouldn't even see the result. They would just have seen the in progress pics and would probably believe the caption completely). And of course it could also have been one of the other two that could have written the caption. But first of all it has such a unique wording that it fits best to him and I think the other two wouldn't be so rude.

And I've still done a few sketches of them because they also give me so much comfort but then I remember the caption again and just get so frustrated. And I wanted to start another painting but I haven't even completed the first sketch because I'm just soo worried that I'll mess up that one too and I'm not strong enough to handle another such disappointment.

I mean if you don't like what I painted, you don't have to share it. You could have just ignored it. And if you liked it and that was some kind of twisted irony then it's not better either. Because that wouldn't be clear from the wording.

And Its just so weird how such a few words from one person (or maybe three. Idk if the other two have to approve of posts first) can have such a negative impact while I've gotten so many nice words from so many people in the community. The positive and nice comments clearly outweight the one negative comment. And still it affects me so much. Maybe because they helped me find confidence in things considered feminine by society.

And still I admire them. Still their voice comforts me. And sketching them too. Im still looking for them in backgrounds of some TV stuff. I'm still listening to their podcast and music and it still gives me so much energy. But it all has such a bitter aftertaste. And then I remember again why I feel so conflicted and have to stop myself from crying.

I just don't understand that. Why are emotions so complicated. Why can such a little comment influence my whole life so much while positive comments can't?

Edit: I am aware that they deleted that one sentence. And that's (I don't want to say nice) fine. Because both sentences were unkind. But they could have just changed the caption if they were already at it. Because I most certainly did not paint them the way I see them with my heart, I am not good enough for something like that yet, and that comment still hurts.

However, I'm very grateful for you nice people who reached out to me (and apparently also to them?) and showed me that I wasn't really overreacting. (And because it seems I haven't been quite clear about this: I am aware that they mostly make comedy stuff and all that and that it was probably a joke (or if not then it was a not very nice honest opinion on something, where I never asked for an opinion, on something I made clear that it wasn't perfect or exactly how I wanted it))

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes, not being able to handle critique and taking some off-hand comments personally making me wanna quit painting (especially combined with slowly losing this hyperfixation) (autism at its finest)

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ölbild vom Cover von Eulen vor die Säue