beowulfxgrendel

[beowulfxgrendel]

Autism at its finest is drawing 180 chairs standing in circles cause the other ideas for the hyperfixation would take longer and I can do that really quick. And then you look at the time and realise you spend two hours or more figuring out how the chairs should stand and drawing them

[beowulfxgrendel]

Currently teaching myself how to make edits (even though I'm a bit sick currently) because the hyperfixation about the two middle aged men that share their first name is still going strong but we are such a small fan base so there are like 2 edits (well there are a few more to one of them, but still).

And I would really like to have some edits of them. So I'll just have to do it myself.

(Also if any of you few other people has any ideas/wishes for edits please let me know. Cause I have none)

[beowulfxgrendel]

For the spotify asks: How about numbers 25, 50, 75 & 100? :3

25: Excuse me, can you kill me again (by stakeout)

50: Girls (by marina)

75: Stillstaatsvertreter (by stakeout)

100: Fire on fire (by Sam smith)

(But like. How were you able to pick out two of the stakeout songs in there? Kinda funny)

[beowulfxgrendel]

spotify wrapped is HERE! send me a number 1-100 and I’ll tell you the song it corresponds with on my top 100 playlist

[beowulfxgrendel]

Here the TM/TS good omens fanart I made to my current fanfiction

[beowulfxgrendel]

Tbh I'm surprised how much this started affecting me again. I wanted to start painting another podcast cover but well. I started and I didn't continue. Cause this whole time I have to think about this again. I'm thinking about how they might say even meaner stuff that the people this post was about. And I know that that's very unlikely. But not impossible.

A few thought i had about someone and about emotions that i wanted to share:

I think its very interesting how someone can admire and hate a person at the same time. It just seems so illogical to me and I've never really experienced it before like right now.

They give me so much comfort and gender Euphorie because they're kind of a good role model for me to not be scared of doing stuff that is considered feminin while being transmasc. Like they're wearing eyeliner/kajal and nail polish and are or at least were taking testosterone because of a deficit and they think gender stereotypes are dumb.

And that gave me so much confidence to start wearing nail polish and eyeliner again.

And they are just overall such an inspiration (and a very cool person) and I really like drawing/painting them.

But at the same time they're probably the reason why I've felt no desire to paint at all the last few days and actually had to cry more than once. Cause they have such a unique writing style and I'm pretty sure they wrote that one comment about my painting, that made me regret posting it as soon as I read it.

Like I really appreciate them reposting my art. That's great. And tagging me was also very kind (and they also kinda have the right to just post it on their account since my reference was their picture to begin with, but at least telling me or asking me would have been very nice too) but taking two in-progress pictures that look even worse than the finished painting (which I also captioned as clearly not perfect) because they're from a moment where most things where clearly not finished (and also my signature wasn't on it) and then putting a caption that says that I painted them how I see them with my heart (which is not true at all. I admire them and was painting them for practise. To get better at painting. Because I was so inspired by them) and that "someone could have told them that they aren't as beautiful as they thought they were" has just been putting my inspiration to a complete stop.

I was so proud of how the painting turned out but I was also clearly aware that it wasn't perfect (but that I would ruin it if I continued working on it, cause the text parts had already frustrated me too much). And now when I'm looking at it I'm constantly reminded of their opinion on it and have to stop myself from just destroying it because it makes me so sad and angry and disappointed in myself or from deleting the post (because as I said they tagged me. And if people would look at my profile they wouldn't even see the result. They would just have seen the in progress pics and would probably believe the caption completely). And of course it could also have been one of the other two that could have written the caption. But first of all it has such a unique wording that it fits best to him and I think the other two wouldn't be so rude.

And I've still done a few sketches of them because they also give me so much comfort but then I remember the caption again and just get so frustrated. And I wanted to start another painting but I haven't even completed the first sketch because I'm just soo worried that I'll mess up that one too and I'm not strong enough to handle another such disappointment.

I mean if you don't like what I painted, you don't have to share it. You could have just ignored it. And if you liked it and that was some kind of twisted irony then it's not better either. Because that wouldn't be clear from the wording.

And Its just so weird how such a few words from one person (or maybe three. Idk if the other two have to approve of posts first) can have such a negative impact while I've gotten so many nice words from so many people in the community. The positive and nice comments clearly outweight the one negative comment. And still it affects me so much. Maybe because they helped me find confidence in things considered feminine by society.

And still I admire them. Still their voice comforts me. And sketching them too. Im still looking for them in backgrounds of some TV stuff. I'm still listening to their podcast and music and it still gives me so much energy. But it all has such a bitter aftertaste. And then I remember again why I feel so conflicted and have to stop myself from crying.

I just don't understand that. Why are emotions so complicated. Why can such a little comment influence my whole life so much while positive comments can't?

Edit: I am aware that they deleted that one sentence. And that's (I don't want to say nice) fine. Because both sentences were unkind. But they could have just changed the caption if they were already at it. Because I most certainly did not paint them the way I see them with my heart, I am not good enough for something like that yet, and that comment still hurts.

However, I'm very grateful for you nice people who reached out to me (and apparently also to them?) and showed me that I wasn't really overreacting. (And because it seems I haven't been quite clear about this: I am aware that they mostly make comedy stuff and all that and that it was probably a joke (or if not then it was a not very nice honest opinion on something, where I never asked for an opinion, on something I made clear that it wasn't perfect or exactly how I wanted it))

[beowulfxgrendel]

I really hate PMDD.

Because for example this morning I was able to write 1k words and I was very happy with it and wanted to continue writing now cause I have time. But someone from the same fandom just updated their story (and i just wanted to read the new chapter really quick before continuing with my own work) and the beginning of the new chapter is really similar to what I wrote this morning but way better written. And better in general. And now I just feel like finding a different way to continue my story cause I know my writing won't be as good as theirs. But I also don't really just wanna delete what I wrote because I was really proud of it. But should I ever post it it might seem as if I copied it from their story (cause that's not the first time we have similar plot points) and I don't want that.

But I just feel like shit right now. And I'm pretty sure I won't be able to continue writing today which sucks cause that's the only reason I'm still awake. And I was really looking forward to it the whole day, but now the day just feels wasted.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Not everything is better up to now but I miss our TM/TS bubble so I'll come back for them I think. Might not really interact with most parts of the server though.

I just need some distance but I also need the interaction in our little bubble.

Idk. Its all very weird right now. But I'll try and see if I feel better there now with the few days I had as a break.

I'm thinking about leaving a server of a fandom because they are nice and kind. I know that sounds illogical. So let me explain. They like the fanart and writing I did. I liked it all too. But because I've done quite some stuff that I'm proud of in quite a short period of time I'm scared of messing up or of not meeting expectations.

And because they seem so nice and kind it's kinda difficult to deal with moments when I'm confronted with the reality that they also are people and therefore have opinions that sometimes differ drastically from my own. For example there's quite some talking about hp and people that arent in this fandom are called muggles by most (there is another word, which im using because it feels just so wrong to use that word but still. Reading it so often is just frustrating). And for me as a trans person I am already not the most comfortable with that. And then people talked about how we shouldn't always separate the artist/author from their work and that if someone wants to consume media etc from certain people then pirating would be better because that doesn't support them. But then at the same day people talk about buying hp books and other merch. And I mean sure, I get it. These things meant quite a lot to me too. But still I think it's wrong to support such a transphobic women.

And I'm aware that's not my decision to make. They are their own people with their own choices.

Still I'm affected by it and sometimes almost cry when I see that that's a topic again, because I know that once more no one will say much negative stuff about it. And I can't just ignore these "arguments" because then I'm scared of missing something. But I don't know how much longer I can stay in that server without hp ruining it for me. And that sucks. Because I love the server and all the people there. They are all so nice and welcoming.

Maybe I'll have to leave for some time and then come back once I'm fine again. Don't know if I want to though, because I'd still feel like missing something.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Here now too the little TM/TS sketches I made because I don't really care anymore if they might see it or not (and if they do then it would be their own fault for being on tumblr)

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ok so I've been thinking about that for quite some time. And well. Because of everything that's going on right now (both there and in my own life) I left.

I might come back once everything is better, but right now I just don't feel comfortable being there.

I'm thinking about leaving a server of a fandom because they are nice and kind. I know that sounds illogical. So let me explain. They like the fanart and writing I did. I liked it all too. But because I've done quite some stuff that I'm proud of in quite a short period of time I'm scared of messing up or of not meeting expectations.

And because they seem so nice and kind it's kinda difficult to deal with moments when I'm confronted with the reality that they also are people and therefore have opinions that sometimes differ drastically from my own. For example there's quite some talking about hp and people that arent in this fandom are called muggles by most (there is another word, which im using because it feels just so wrong to use that word but still. Reading it so often is just frustrating). And for me as a trans person I am already not the most comfortable with that. And then people talked about how we shouldn't always separate the artist/author from their work and that if someone wants to consume media etc from certain people then pirating would be better because that doesn't support them. But then at the same day people talk about buying hp books and other merch. And I mean sure, I get it. These things meant quite a lot to me too. But still I think it's wrong to support such a transphobic women.

And I'm aware that's not my decision to make. They are their own people with their own choices.

Still I'm affected by it and sometimes almost cry when I see that that's a topic again, because I know that once more no one will say much negative stuff about it. And I can't just ignore these "arguments" because then I'm scared of missing something. But I don't know how much longer I can stay in that server without hp ruining it for me. And that sucks. Because I love the server and all the people there. They are all so nice and welcoming.

Maybe I'll have to leave for some time and then come back once I'm fine again. Don't know if I want to though, because I'd still feel like missing something.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Feeling this a bit too much right now (although it's more like 3 people and not here on tumblr. But still)

i hate when u post something with a target audience of 1 person and they don't interact ... like ok i thought what we had was real but thats fine 😔💔

[beowulfxgrendel]

Another thing to the new stakeout songs (or tbh about one specific):

I had very high expectations (that there might be some lyrics that could be interpreted as gay through subtext) that I was sure weren't going to be met.

So let me tell you how surprised I was when one of the songs was not only gay but a song about gay smut and murder.

And to be honest "Es Geschah in Ekstase" is now probably one of my favourite stakeout songs.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes having an existential crisis because of an English worksheet. How nice

[beowulfxgrendel]

Well my expectation where met. And I love the new old songs very much. Very nice. Very surprising too, that they just uploaded them without a warning or info. It all makes me very happy

(If only the other band that I'm waiting for would also release the new music)

Well well well. Stakeout (one of the few bands that I'm actually excited about concerning new releases) just teased that a few songs might be dropped soon. Do I trust them or will I learn from the hopes I had when The amazing devil teased they might release new music soon, which was over a year ago and we still don't have any news about?

(Yes I am aware Stakeout and The amazing devil have nothing whatsoever in common. But I don't care. I like both their music a lot)

[beowulfxgrendel]

Well well well. Stakeout (one of the few bands that I'm actually excited about concerning new releases) just teased that a few songs might be dropped soon. Do I trust them or will I learn from the hopes I had when The amazing devil teased they might release new music soon, which was over a year ago and we still don't have any news about?

(Yes I am aware Stakeout and The amazing devil have nothing whatsoever in common. But I don't care. I like both their music a lot)

[beowulfxgrendel]

reblog this if you are not only okay with booping spams but encourage it. blow up my notifications go buck wild we both get our big funny boop numbers

[beowulfxgrendel]

I'm thinking about leaving a server of a fandom because they are nice and kind. I know that sounds illogical. So let me explain. They like the fanart and writing I did. I liked it all too. But because I've done quite some stuff that I'm proud of in quite a short period of time I'm scared of messing up or of not meeting expectations.

And because they seem so nice and kind it's kinda difficult to deal with moments when I'm confronted with the reality that they also are people and therefore have opinions that sometimes differ drastically from my own. For example there's quite some talking about hp and people that arent in this fandom are called muggles by most (there is another word, which im using because it feels just so wrong to use that word but still. Reading it so often is just frustrating). And for me as a trans person I am already not the most comfortable with that. And then people talked about how we shouldn't always separate the artist/author from their work and that if someone wants to consume media etc from certain people then pirating would be better because that doesn't support them. But then at the same day people talk about buying hp books and other merch. And I mean sure, I get it. These things meant quite a lot to me too. But still I think it's wrong to support such a transphobic women.

And I'm aware that's not my decision to make. They are their own people with their own choices.

Still I'm affected by it and sometimes almost cry when I see that that's a topic again, because I know that once more no one will say much negative stuff about it. And I can't just ignore these "arguments" because then I'm scared of missing something. But I don't know how much longer I can stay in that server without hp ruining it for me. And that sucks. Because I love the server and all the people there. They are all so nice and welcoming.

Maybe I'll have to leave for some time and then come back once I'm fine again. Don't know if I want to though, because I'd still feel like missing something.