beowulfxgrendel

[beowulfxgrendel]

Since quite a few of you liked my sketches to that one line from "That Unwanted Animal" (by The Amazing Devil) here now too a school project I did with it

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ok so i could use some tips or something like that from some of you neurodivergent people on here. So it would be nice if you could read all this and maybe give me your opinions.

I'm once again being extremely stressed because I'm once again not able to keep up with deadlines I set for myself and feeling like I'm letting people down cause I'm just not able to do stuff. Like I know I should be able to just write that one letter and bring that one painting to the mail and I should also be able to continue that one painting I wanted to gift an online friend for Christmas and I also should be able to continue that one painting I wanted to gift my boyfriend for Christmas. And I also should be able to continue writing the (up to now) 5 fanfictions that are mostly waiting for an end and also should be able to quickly reply to the comments that were left under some of them. And I also should be able to continue the other few stories I promised some people so that I can finally upload them.

But no. Why should my brain work normally. Instead it decides to be illogical. But well. Since some of you already read this far I'll try to explain the "logic" my brain uses.

I can't ship the painting cause first I want to write a letter to go with it but before I can write the letter I have to make the stickers I wanted to make for them. And that takes much time and I'd also have to work with a scalpel wich is already difficult for me cause of intrusive thoughts (because of wich I just don't trust myself at all to work with a scalpel, especially not when I can't concentrate 100%). And also there are no permanent boxes for the format of the painting so I first had to craft it. And once I have the stickers and the letter I have to wrap it together with the painting in bubble wrap to make sure it won't break during shipping. And then I have to make sure the box doesn't open. And then I have to write the label and then I have to bring the box to the post office where I'd have to interact with the people there and also need to be there on a specific tike (which is not exact the time that's in the Internet but I forgot how much it was different, so the walk there might potentially be useless). And then once I've finally sent it I'd have to explain to the person I'm sending it to that I only was able to send it then and not earlier without much of an excuse although I said last week that I'll probably have sent it by yesterday.

And I just somehow can't currently paint anything for anyone else without feeling like I'm just messing up really much. And that's just so frustrating cause I really wanna continue that painting and finish it finally. But each day I just see it and think that I'm nowhere finished and how bad that is considering it was supposed to be a Christmas gift. So I don't even get the motivation to paint cause it just makes me feel bad but at the same time the more time passed the worse i feel.

And also painting in general is so difficult right now. Cause my hyperfixation wants that I paint TM. And then I start a painting somehow being related to him but then it's not immediately perfect and I'm just reminded of the comment he made to one of the first paintings I made of him and I just stop that painting. And then (maybe a day or a week later) I want to paint again but when I look at the unfinished painting I just immediately have the negative feelings again. So I start another Painting but because my hyperfixation still controls quite much what I paint I start another painting more or less related to him. And then the whole process just starts anew. So now i have around seven started paintings that I don't feel like I can really continue but also really want to finish.

And I actually really want to write but my brain currently once more relates everything that's to do with tm with that one comment (of which I theoretically still can't be entirely sure was his but practically he manages their social media the most and it's just write his wording so yeah). So I look at all my fics and immediately get frustrated. And also my brain doesn't prioritise the one that went the longest without an update but rather prioritises the one I started because of a not really related comment in a podcast. And the problem is that I can't continue writing the other ones before I finished that one but I can't finish that one anymore because it kinda had a limit of a week to write (essentially it had to be finished before the newest podcast episode. But it wasn't. It's nowhere near being finished.). So I'm kinds stuck. Cause I need to finish that one so my brain sees it as finished but my brain doesn't allow me to continue working on it cause its already categorised as a failure that I won't post anymore cause it would be weird from the timing and clearly too late.

And I can't reply to the comments cause before I always did it so that I made a new chapter ready for upload and then answered the comments before uploading. But as I explained I don't have nothing to upload so I can't answer. So I feel bad because I'm not answering but if I answered I would feel bad for not also uploading a new chapter.

And I think I'm just once again bordering on burnout or a big meltdown and I want neither of that (and that my graphic design school is also quite stressful right now cause some grades are done soon is less than ideal).

So yeah. If any of you actually read all that and has some tips on how to deal with any of the problems or how to trick my brain into doing these things that I want to do again that would be very appreciated and helpful.

[beowulfxgrendel]

When Fisk retrieved Wesley’s cell phone from his pocket after he died, you saw his missed calls list.

Fisk called Wesley almost every thirty minutes to find out where he was…

Ouch.

[beowulfxgrendel]

A few drawings etc I made to that one line of "that unwanted animal" by "the amazing devil" that I'm totally normal about

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes time for my favorite night time hobby

*opens the tad tag to scroll through what dear hearts have posted since i was on the tag, 5 hours ago*

[beowulfxgrendel]

reasons I think James Wesley and Wilson Fisk where involved (and that they're in love):

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 1 OF DAREDEVIL AHEAD

~~~

1.) have you seen the way they look at each other? that's not someone looking at their personal assistant

2.) Wesley has met Fisk's mother

3.) Wesley intimately knows what Fisk needs like three days before he even know he needs it

4.) Wesley can talk back to Fisk (comfortably) without fear of violence

5.) that fucking forehead kiss when Fisk found Wesley dead

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes. Totally normal employer-employee interaction. Just kissing your deceased employee goodbye. Totally just his personal assistant and not the only person he could fully trust. And Wesley totally wasn't only able to be himself around Fisk.

They're gay and you can't change my mind

[beowulfxgrendel]

boy? girl? nah, i’m the paper cut that kills you and that priest that you ignored

[beowulfxgrendel]

"You try so loud to love me, I cannot seem to hear"

-That Unwanted Animal

Song by The Amazing Devil

[beowulfxgrendel]

I get why they made it a robot-vampire in Wild Blue Yonder instead of just a vampire. The potential of a regular vampire is too alluring to possibly want to stay hidden under the covers bc we don’t know what’s out there. But a robot-vampire? That’s just fuckin’ scary.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Autism at its finest is drawing 180 chairs standing in circles cause the other ideas for the hyperfixation would take longer and I can do that really quick. And then you look at the time and realise you spend two hours or more figuring out how the chairs should stand and drawing them

[beowulfxgrendel]

Currently teaching myself how to make edits (even though I'm a bit sick currently) because the hyperfixation about the two middle aged men that share their first name is still going strong but we are such a small fan base so there are like 2 edits (well there are a few more to one of them, but still).

And I would really like to have some edits of them. So I'll just have to do it myself.

(Also if any of you few other people has any ideas/wishes for edits please let me know. Cause I have none)

[beowulfxgrendel]

For the spotify asks: How about numbers 25, 50, 75 & 100? :3

25: Excuse me, can you kill me again (by stakeout)

50: Girls (by marina)

75: Stillstaatsvertreter (by stakeout)

100: Fire on fire (by Sam smith)

(But like. How were you able to pick out two of the stakeout songs in there? Kinda funny)

[beowulfxgrendel]

spotify wrapped is HERE! send me a number 1-100 and I’ll tell you the song it corresponds with on my top 100 playlist

[beowulfxgrendel]

Here the TM/TS good omens fanart I made to my current fanfiction

[beowulfxgrendel]

Tbh I'm surprised how much this started affecting me again. I wanted to start painting another podcast cover but well. I started and I didn't continue. Cause this whole time I have to think about this again. I'm thinking about how they might say even meaner stuff that the people this post was about. And I know that that's very unlikely. But not impossible.

A few thought i had about someone and about emotions that i wanted to share:

I think its very interesting how someone can admire and hate a person at the same time. It just seems so illogical to me and I've never really experienced it before like right now.

They give me so much comfort and gender Euphorie because they're kind of a good role model for me to not be scared of doing stuff that is considered feminin while being transmasc. Like they're wearing eyeliner/kajal and nail polish and are or at least were taking testosterone because of a deficit and they think gender stereotypes are dumb.

And that gave me so much confidence to start wearing nail polish and eyeliner again.

And they are just overall such an inspiration (and a very cool person) and I really like drawing/painting them.

But at the same time they're probably the reason why I've felt no desire to paint at all the last few days and actually had to cry more than once. Cause they have such a unique writing style and I'm pretty sure they wrote that one comment about my painting, that made me regret posting it as soon as I read it.

Like I really appreciate them reposting my art. That's great. And tagging me was also very kind (and they also kinda have the right to just post it on their account since my reference was their picture to begin with, but at least telling me or asking me would have been very nice too) but taking two in-progress pictures that look even worse than the finished painting (which I also captioned as clearly not perfect) because they're from a moment where most things where clearly not finished (and also my signature wasn't on it) and then putting a caption that says that I painted them how I see them with my heart (which is not true at all. I admire them and was painting them for practise. To get better at painting. Because I was so inspired by them) and that "someone could have told them that they aren't as beautiful as they thought they were" has just been putting my inspiration to a complete stop.

I was so proud of how the painting turned out but I was also clearly aware that it wasn't perfect (but that I would ruin it if I continued working on it, cause the text parts had already frustrated me too much). And now when I'm looking at it I'm constantly reminded of their opinion on it and have to stop myself from just destroying it because it makes me so sad and angry and disappointed in myself or from deleting the post (because as I said they tagged me. And if people would look at my profile they wouldn't even see the result. They would just have seen the in progress pics and would probably believe the caption completely). And of course it could also have been one of the other two that could have written the caption. But first of all it has such a unique wording that it fits best to him and I think the other two wouldn't be so rude.

And I've still done a few sketches of them because they also give me so much comfort but then I remember the caption again and just get so frustrated. And I wanted to start another painting but I haven't even completed the first sketch because I'm just soo worried that I'll mess up that one too and I'm not strong enough to handle another such disappointment.

I mean if you don't like what I painted, you don't have to share it. You could have just ignored it. And if you liked it and that was some kind of twisted irony then it's not better either. Because that wouldn't be clear from the wording.

And Its just so weird how such a few words from one person (or maybe three. Idk if the other two have to approve of posts first) can have such a negative impact while I've gotten so many nice words from so many people in the community. The positive and nice comments clearly outweight the one negative comment. And still it affects me so much. Maybe because they helped me find confidence in things considered feminine by society.

And still I admire them. Still their voice comforts me. And sketching them too. Im still looking for them in backgrounds of some TV stuff. I'm still listening to their podcast and music and it still gives me so much energy. But it all has such a bitter aftertaste. And then I remember again why I feel so conflicted and have to stop myself from crying.

I just don't understand that. Why are emotions so complicated. Why can such a little comment influence my whole life so much while positive comments can't?

Edit: I am aware that they deleted that one sentence. And that's (I don't want to say nice) fine. Because both sentences were unkind. But they could have just changed the caption if they were already at it. Because I most certainly did not paint them the way I see them with my heart, I am not good enough for something like that yet, and that comment still hurts.

However, I'm very grateful for you nice people who reached out to me (and apparently also to them?) and showed me that I wasn't really overreacting. (And because it seems I haven't been quite clear about this: I am aware that they mostly make comedy stuff and all that and that it was probably a joke (or if not then it was a not very nice honest opinion on something, where I never asked for an opinion, on something I made clear that it wasn't perfect or exactly how I wanted it))

[beowulfxgrendel]

I really hate PMDD.

Because for example this morning I was able to write 1k words and I was very happy with it and wanted to continue writing now cause I have time. But someone from the same fandom just updated their story (and i just wanted to read the new chapter really quick before continuing with my own work) and the beginning of the new chapter is really similar to what I wrote this morning but way better written. And better in general. And now I just feel like finding a different way to continue my story cause I know my writing won't be as good as theirs. But I also don't really just wanna delete what I wrote because I was really proud of it. But should I ever post it it might seem as if I copied it from their story (cause that's not the first time we have similar plot points) and I don't want that.

But I just feel like shit right now. And I'm pretty sure I won't be able to continue writing today which sucks cause that's the only reason I'm still awake. And I was really looking forward to it the whole day, but now the day just feels wasted.