beowulfxgrendel

[beowulfxgrendel]

Oh how I hate academic/school testing that's completely based on being able to remember things.

(My teacher literally told us that it's impossible to get perfect score without photographic memory and then said in the same sentence that none of us have that and that thats bad luck)

(She then proceeded to tell us that it will be easy if we understood the topic, even though we'll get points taken away for not using the exact correct words (and also for spelling errors except for a few people) and the task won't have to do a lot with understanding the topic but rather remembering all the tables and writing them down)

(I understood the topic perfectly and participated in every lesson but there won't be any verbal grading, so i decided last time that i won't participate in her lessons anymore. And I'm really really bad at remembering. So I already told her that I don't expect a good grade and now she's kinda angry with me)

[beowulfxgrendel]

Exactly

(And tbh Bullseye would have deserved it so much more than Wesley did)

Miss I killed Kingpins boyfriend and I only stopped shooting because the clip ran out absolutely would not have hesitated in shooting Bullseye after Foggy dropped

[beowulfxgrendel]

i know these people are villains but for some weird moral reason i have become the n1 james wesley defender and its so funny alkdkakfkkqx

i see these characters trying to take his place and immediately go: these bitches think they can be him

"pffff, you, dex??? the new james wesley?? please honey" (i don't really remember most things about how wesley's character was)

"excuse me mr. new guy from ddba, you don't have the Juice wesley had" (it has been years since i watched the 1st season, idk what im talking about)

[beowulfxgrendel]

Fucking Wesley with his stupid crooked smile and his stupid ugly ties and his stupid curls in his stupid neat hair fucking Wesley dying such a dumb fucking death what a dumbass stupid fucking Wesley

[beowulfxgrendel]

Since quite a few of you liked my sketches to that one line from "That Unwanted Animal" (by The Amazing Devil) here now too a school project I did with it

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ok so i could use some tips or something like that from some of you neurodivergent people on here. So it would be nice if you could read all this and maybe give me your opinions.

I'm once again being extremely stressed because I'm once again not able to keep up with deadlines I set for myself and feeling like I'm letting people down cause I'm just not able to do stuff. Like I know I should be able to just write that one letter and bring that one painting to the mail and I should also be able to continue that one painting I wanted to gift an online friend for Christmas and I also should be able to continue that one painting I wanted to gift my boyfriend for Christmas. And I also should be able to continue writing the (up to now) 5 fanfictions that are mostly waiting for an end and also should be able to quickly reply to the comments that were left under some of them. And I also should be able to continue the other few stories I promised some people so that I can finally upload them.

But no. Why should my brain work normally. Instead it decides to be illogical. But well. Since some of you already read this far I'll try to explain the "logic" my brain uses.

I can't ship the painting cause first I want to write a letter to go with it but before I can write the letter I have to make the stickers I wanted to make for them. And that takes much time and I'd also have to work with a scalpel wich is already difficult for me cause of intrusive thoughts (because of wich I just don't trust myself at all to work with a scalpel, especially not when I can't concentrate 100%). And also there are no permanent boxes for the format of the painting so I first had to craft it. And once I have the stickers and the letter I have to wrap it together with the painting in bubble wrap to make sure it won't break during shipping. And then I have to make sure the box doesn't open. And then I have to write the label and then I have to bring the box to the post office where I'd have to interact with the people there and also need to be there on a specific tike (which is not exact the time that's in the Internet but I forgot how much it was different, so the walk there might potentially be useless). And then once I've finally sent it I'd have to explain to the person I'm sending it to that I only was able to send it then and not earlier without much of an excuse although I said last week that I'll probably have sent it by yesterday.

And I just somehow can't currently paint anything for anyone else without feeling like I'm just messing up really much. And that's just so frustrating cause I really wanna continue that painting and finish it finally. But each day I just see it and think that I'm nowhere finished and how bad that is considering it was supposed to be a Christmas gift. So I don't even get the motivation to paint cause it just makes me feel bad but at the same time the more time passed the worse i feel.

And also painting in general is so difficult right now. Cause my hyperfixation wants that I paint TM. And then I start a painting somehow being related to him but then it's not immediately perfect and I'm just reminded of the comment he made to one of the first paintings I made of him and I just stop that painting. And then (maybe a day or a week later) I want to paint again but when I look at the unfinished painting I just immediately have the negative feelings again. So I start another Painting but because my hyperfixation still controls quite much what I paint I start another painting more or less related to him. And then the whole process just starts anew. So now i have around seven started paintings that I don't feel like I can really continue but also really want to finish.

And I actually really want to write but my brain currently once more relates everything that's to do with tm with that one comment (of which I theoretically still can't be entirely sure was his but practically he manages their social media the most and it's just write his wording so yeah). So I look at all my fics and immediately get frustrated. And also my brain doesn't prioritise the one that went the longest without an update but rather prioritises the one I started because of a not really related comment in a podcast. And the problem is that I can't continue writing the other ones before I finished that one but I can't finish that one anymore because it kinda had a limit of a week to write (essentially it had to be finished before the newest podcast episode. But it wasn't. It's nowhere near being finished.). So I'm kinds stuck. Cause I need to finish that one so my brain sees it as finished but my brain doesn't allow me to continue working on it cause its already categorised as a failure that I won't post anymore cause it would be weird from the timing and clearly too late.

And I can't reply to the comments cause before I always did it so that I made a new chapter ready for upload and then answered the comments before uploading. But as I explained I don't have nothing to upload so I can't answer. So I feel bad because I'm not answering but if I answered I would feel bad for not also uploading a new chapter.

And I think I'm just once again bordering on burnout or a big meltdown and I want neither of that (and that my graphic design school is also quite stressful right now cause some grades are done soon is less than ideal).

So yeah. If any of you actually read all that and has some tips on how to deal with any of the problems or how to trick my brain into doing these things that I want to do again that would be very appreciated and helpful.

[beowulfxgrendel]

When Fisk retrieved Wesley’s cell phone from his pocket after he died, you saw his missed calls list.

Fisk called Wesley almost every thirty minutes to find out where he was…

Ouch.

[beowulfxgrendel]

A few drawings etc I made to that one line of "that unwanted animal" by "the amazing devil" that I'm totally normal about

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes time for my favorite night time hobby

*opens the tad tag to scroll through what dear hearts have posted since i was on the tag, 5 hours ago*

[beowulfxgrendel]

reasons I think James Wesley and Wilson Fisk where involved (and that they're in love):

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 1 OF DAREDEVIL AHEAD

~~~

1.) have you seen the way they look at each other? that's not someone looking at their personal assistant

2.) Wesley has met Fisk's mother

3.) Wesley intimately knows what Fisk needs like three days before he even know he needs it

4.) Wesley can talk back to Fisk (comfortably) without fear of violence

5.) that fucking forehead kiss when Fisk found Wesley dead

[beowulfxgrendel]

Ah yes. Totally normal employer-employee interaction. Just kissing your deceased employee goodbye. Totally just his personal assistant and not the only person he could fully trust. And Wesley totally wasn't only able to be himself around Fisk.

They're gay and you can't change my mind

[beowulfxgrendel]

boy? girl? nah, i’m the paper cut that kills you and that priest that you ignored

[beowulfxgrendel]

"You try so loud to love me, I cannot seem to hear"

-That Unwanted Animal

Song by The Amazing Devil

[beowulfxgrendel]

I get why they made it a robot-vampire in Wild Blue Yonder instead of just a vampire. The potential of a regular vampire is too alluring to possibly want to stay hidden under the covers bc we don’t know what’s out there. But a robot-vampire? That’s just fuckin’ scary.

[beowulfxgrendel]

Autism at its finest is drawing 180 chairs standing in circles cause the other ideas for the hyperfixation would take longer and I can do that really quick. And then you look at the time and realise you spend two hours or more figuring out how the chairs should stand and drawing them

[beowulfxgrendel]

Currently teaching myself how to make edits (even though I'm a bit sick currently) because the hyperfixation about the two middle aged men that share their first name is still going strong but we are such a small fan base so there are like 2 edits (well there are a few more to one of them, but still).

And I would really like to have some edits of them. So I'll just have to do it myself.

(Also if any of you few other people has any ideas/wishes for edits please let me know. Cause I have none)

[beowulfxgrendel]

For the spotify asks: How about numbers 25, 50, 75 & 100? :3

25: Excuse me, can you kill me again (by stakeout)

50: Girls (by marina)

75: Stillstaatsvertreter (by stakeout)

100: Fire on fire (by Sam smith)

(But like. How were you able to pick out two of the stakeout songs in there? Kinda funny)