b-theshittyhuman

[b-theshittyhuman]

oh yeah, forgot about that scene

Just me preparing for my passion project

Me: I wonder if it's possible to create a scientifically accurate dragon?

Me: *starts by researching ways their fire breath could work*

What I found:

Respiration is a biological process that turns oxygen and glucose into carbon dioxide, water and energy

Methane can be created through something known as a Sabatier process, which requires combining carbon dioxide with hydrogen.

Electrolysis is the process of using electricity two split water into hydrogen and oxygen.

So what if a dragon had a voluntary ability to take the water vapor and carbon dioxide from their lungs and turn it into methane which they can then use as fuel for a biological flame thrower. Perhaps expelling the methane at great enough speed for it to catch on fire, or using the same electricity for electrolysis to combust the methane.

Plus they can then use the oxygen from electrolysis to create more carbon dioxide instead of taking another breath.

I'm sure there's a more efficient way for this fire breath to work, perhaps instead they produce a flammable liquid and have a little thingy that creates fire via friction. Or just use the hydrogen from electrolysis to create nearly invisible flames. Or even have a symbiotic relationship with something similar to the microorganisms in our gut that produce methane, but in their throat, and they're fire resistant.

idk, evolution's weird, but this was really fun.

[b-theshittyhuman]

Mines dead ...

Been so for a while

My anger is a biting ember in my fist.

Most of the places I could set it down will burn something to the ground,

so I keep holding it,

trying to find a hearth that needs kindled

to heat a home or a cooking pot

or do anything beyond recklessly burning the world to ash.

[b-theshittyhuman]

So my sister told me about a fanfic that tried to be super scary, saying stuff like "It was Friday 13th, Halloween night." Which is funny enough, however-

Now, I can't help but want to read a smut fic of Jason Voorhees creating a harem of different horror movie villains.

You could start with Michael Myers, which would be a sort of enemies to lovers, slow-burn.

Then Freddy Kruger slightly after Jason's relationship with Michael kicks off, with Freddy being the classic Tsundere.

Then who knows after that, Jigsaw, Ghost Face, Valak; the possibilities are endless.

[b-theshittyhuman]

cant stop thinking about this video

[b-theshittyhuman]

Sat in a chair with someone else's name on it

ME!

I WANT YOU TO PUNT ME!

Srsly tho, I did smth super embarrassing today, pls have mercy and punt me into the sun

only if you tell us what it was

[b-theshittyhuman]

Wait, was I supposed to get trauma from watching that show as a kid???

Nope

Alien: Hey, Human Dave. I found this in your historical records, is this one of those animated shows?

Human Dave *takes one look at the image being shown*: ...no.

A: Oh, it isn't? The style doe-

HD: No!

A: Dave?

HD *getting up from his chair and moving to the door*: Nope!

A: Where are you going?

HD *putting on a space suit* :Nuh uh!

A: Umm...

HD *ejecting himself from the station* *Over the comms*: NOPE!

A: What is happening?

Human Janice *sipping coffee with an amused grin*: Pretty sure he got triggered. Whatcha got there anyway?

A: It is just an innocuous looking image with some text, I cannot possibly understand

HJ: "Happy Tree Friends" yeeeeah.... not something you wanna watch.

A: Is animation aimed at children not meant to be viewed by mature members of your species?

HJ: Normally, it is, but this is not for kids. That happy bunny is a lie. I think Dave got exposed to that as a kid and, well, you saw how he reacted to that.

HD *over all the comms*:

NOPE!!!!

[b-theshittyhuman]

that's... that's funny?

I think in the humans are space orcs vein of posts, it's very funny and possible that humans don't have the same emotions as some other extraterrestrial civilization. Imagine they come rockin up to Earth only to discover we don't experience the fundamental emotions of [untranslatable clicking and hissing screech]. And then we discover that we're the weird ones because stuff like love or anger, no one really cares about those, but humans are seen as brutal, emotionless machines because everyone knows we don't have [clicking and hissing screech].

Like, we try and make normal and compassionate decisions, but no matter what we think we're doing, to almost every non-human we encounter, it's just kid gloves, feral dog handling. By all measurable standards, human tech lags behind every other civilization by decades, at best, usually centuries. And yet it's humans that get roped into every conflict, that decimate opposing armies, that break the backs of interplanetary governments - and we just never understand why. Sometimes we don't even realize we're being used in a war, all because we are, somehow, unfeeling monsters with no [?????].

[b-theshittyhuman]

BEING IN THE RAIN

TWIRL AROUND

SING

DANCE

SMILE

JUMP IN THE PUDDLES

I HONESTLY FEEL FREE-ER WHEN I'M IN THE RAIN

Perhaps, the key to survive the monotony of life is to find the beauty in ordinary things. A child waving at you, a cat calling out to you, the wind rustling the trees, a warm cup of tea on an especially cold day. If I can't have vastness, let me find it in the little things.

[b-theshittyhuman]

Hunting

It is unlikely that humans are the only predator species to achieve sapience in the galaxy.

In order to be a successful predator one has to be intelligent enough to learn your prey's movements and be able to think ahead to what they're going to do next but also be flexible enough in your thinking that you can improvise if the situation chances. If you don't have this elasticity, you won't be a very successful predator.

Humans are very successful predators.

****

Greg bent down low and spoke as quietly as he could to the worried Sefigan next to him. "I need you to stay as still as you can. I'm going to go around, and try and surprise the Gren guarding the exit."

The three Sefigans, caught between wanting to obey Greg and staying silent but also trying to communicate that they thought it was suicide to do so started shaking.

"No, no, it'll be fine. I've been watching him. He's not really paying attention." Greg stood silently and put one finger to his lips, then smiled.

Moving much quieter than one would think given his mass, Greg crept away, hunched down just a little to keep motion out of the tops of the bushes they used to hide. The Sefigans watched in horrified fascination as Greg would take a few steps and then freeze, not even breathing while he watched the Gren.

As he walked, he made no noise at all over the soft sand, his feet finding purchase slowly. The Sefigans, a small furry prey species from a rocky mountainous world felt very old fears from the most early parts of their brains while watching him hunt the Gren.

The Gren guard was panning slowly as he guarded the exit, his fur flat, his eyes dull and his mouthparts drooping. If one knew a bit about Gren physiology one could easily see that he was bored and tired. His shift wasn't due to end for another 3 demi-cycles and nothing usually ever happened on this exit.

When Greg was no more than 2 meters away, he reached down and picked up a stone, no larger than a comm badge. He raised his arm and in one silent fluid motion, tossed the stone high and far over his head, to hide its origin. It clattered against the wall on the far side of the pen, opposite to where Greg was standing. The noise and motion caught the Gren's eye and his whole body swung over to where the stone landed.

His back was turned to Greg.

Greg bent his legs low building energy and took two steps and lept onto the Gren's back. His higher mass bowled the taller but much lighter Gren over and the Gren's head hit the stone with a hollow thwack.

Greg jumped up off the Gren and checked him quickly. He was dead. Trotting quickly over to where the Sefigans were still hiding he motioned for them to follow.

Still terrified, they followed this... ambush predator they were scared of and by the time they reached him, he had gotten the comm out of the Gren's pack and was fiddling with a ring that had complicated studs all around it, fitting them against the door until one clicked and the door hissed open.

Minutes later they were all running across the desert to the canal below where they had hoped to cling to the side of a barge and float to the spaceport.

"Human Greg! Human Greg!" The smallest Sefigan called as they jogged down the sandy hill towards the canal.

"What is it Li? Can it wait?"

"That was amazing! I've never seen a human hunt before! Is that how they all do it?"

"Not really? Humans developed as persistence hunters, not ambush hunters, but as you well know, skills can be taught."

"Persistence hunter?"

"Yeah, my ancestors would pick an animal out of a herd and run after it. As long as we didn't overexert ourselves we could just... run until it died."

The three Sefigans looked at each other as they jogged. Greg wasn't breathing heavily as they went towards the canal, but all three of them were nearly at their limit and would need a long time to rest when they were safe.

"Human Greg, you scare us." The tallest Sefigan looked back at the holding compound and then back at Greg. "But, not as much as we were scared of what the Gren would have done to us."

Greg smiled showing his wide, large, white teeth. "In this world, sometimes you need to be scary." He looked at the canal. "Come on, the water isn't too cold, let's get in and swim towards that barge. It's not too far."

[b-theshittyhuman]

Humans accidentally awakened an otherwordly killing machine while exploring a death planet.

Yes, precisely what you just read. Earthlings, collectively known as "humans" and composed of two species (homo sapiens, homo robot), both nicknamed "death worlders" and "troublemakers", awakened a biological killing machine, also known as PRION, while exploring a starless moon. Wonderful, isn't it?

No. It's not.

Because, you see, PRION was not something any human ever had to face during the millions of years they existed on Earth. They never had any wars against it, they never had legends about it, and they never had to fear it. The only thing a PRION was to a human, until the very point they discovered their prison on that moon, was something to sometimes think about while studying other species' folklores.

Those older than earthlings, however, knew very well what PRION was.

Eight legs, two pairs of eyes, a tail split in half, with the ability to fly for short periods of time and breathe under at least fifteen hundred different liquids, capable of shooting from a distance and manipulating objects with its claws, always working on packs. And they ran, never too fast, never too low, but they never got tired. Ever. And it was easy to hurt them under their plates, yes, but those who faced them knew well that if they didn't shoot twice, they could and would always recover.

A PRION was a hunter. A PRION's hunger never ceased. And a PRION never got tired of war.

The older alien civilizations would always warn others of going to starless moons, saying telltales of ancient hungry beasts, and almost all other species listened to them, because they knew something was wrong on how horrified the older ones seemed to be. Except, of course, humans were stubborn, and they were the youngest ones out there, and much like children, they did not like being told "no".

So of course they went to explore starless moons. Of course they read and understood all the myths and legends. Of course they connected the dots and published papers confirming that, indeed, PRIONs had existed, and of course they knew those killing machines had been manufactured to do nothing else but destruction, and of course they knew all of that and fucking did it anyway.

Of course. Of course. Of course.

And then, the night where it happened finally arrived, because starless moons don't have days where things can exist. Humans were out there, mining for more fuel for their starships that seemed to work by duct tape and miracles, and they found a strange metallic door. They set some explosives to open it up (of course), and then noticed they were heading to a factory. Armed with nothing but each other, they explored the place, and recognized the marks on the walls as being the writing of the Old Ones, and instead of just getting out of there and warning everyone of the danger they found, they just kept on exploring.

The death worlders found rotten biological supplies, then realized the factory had turned into a prison, and then discovered the frozen bodies of strange creatures all lined up for a war that never came.

They knew what these creatures were, because one of them called a (human) friend who was a historian, and he confirmed what it was.

The golden jewel of the Old Ones. One of the many things that killed them, along all the diseases and mass destruction machines, before being sealed away in one of the only places in the entire universe where they could never bring risk to another civilization again.

PRIONs.

Thousands of them.

All perfectly maintained.

Documents and cameras proved the human crew immediately tried to leave the area, after the single historian told them of the risk awakening even one of those things could bring to all civilizations, only for them to realize some of the bodies were missing from their chambers. The situation escalated to the group deciding on closing the doors, only to realize they had exploded the main entrance and now half the doors decided to stop working.

In the end, they found the missing PRIONs. All five of them.

Inside the human's starship.

The entire human crew, however, survived the encounter.

Why?

...

...

...

... They fed the PRIONs.

They. Fucking. Fed the PRIONs.

Because of course humans would see those things and be able to count their bones and be sorry for them. And of course the single historian, the only person who could do anything to stop that from happening, allowed that to happen.

Of course.

Of. Fucking. Course.

And someway, somehow, that single act of basic madness was enough for the five PRIONs to decide to not attack the humans, and keep themselves behaving so they could get more free food. And there are still scientists trying to understand why human food could saciate the killing machines, but I don't think it takes too many clues to understand what exactly is happening there.

So the humans took the PRIONs back to their dear EARTH. And other humans saw those things and started studying them. And veterinarians and xenobiologists and volunteers and hundreds of other types of humans came to help the poor, poor little killing machines out, as the entire Galactic Council pledged for humans to kill every single one of them before they became a problem for everyone.

But did the humans listen? No. Of course they didn't.

And then the PRIONs recovered, and had their bellies full of food and their bodies were recovering from the possible years of starvation from accidentally breaking away from their ice beds (because, as one may know, a PRION can and will resist even starvation and dehydration in order to keep going), and the Galactic Council decided to tell all earthlings they would consider taking care of the PRIONs as a war treat.

So what does humanity do? Do they kill the things to stop another war from happening? Do they?

No. They don't.

Instead of being rational, they go directly to the Galactic Council and show them the step-by-step of how they took care of the PRIONs, and how much healthier and happier they look after being fed, and, look, they even taught them tricks! Isn't that wonderful? Doesn't that make you feel full of joy? Wasn't that a proof that a PRION wasn't as dangerous as everyone with more than one neuron was telling them?

Oh, oh, yes. They also brought the entire five member PRION pack and asked others to pet them. "See? They can even purr! Doesn't that remind you of our cats?"

And what does the Council do?

Nothing.

Because they have no weapons, no energy and no one stupid enough to decide to confront the death worlders who tamed not one, not two, but five PRIONs. So they let it happen. The humans go back to the starless moon, and they slowly but surely start doing the same to other PRIONs, and soon enough, other species start joining them to see what was happening. And was anyone else able to tame a single killing machine?

No.

And no one knew why, because they were doing exactly as humans were doing: Feeding them, loving them, being patient with them, because "look, those things were alone for a long time, they aren't used to species like us being around them". But no results.

So we decided to look at what the Old Ones wrote in the factory turned prison, because humans were too busy taking care of their new murder dogs, with their single pair of arms being just enough to keep the beasts occupied with playing catch, and then we and the earthlings decided to conduct some more lab analysis, and then...

And then...

...

Look. There are reasons why humans are called "death worlders". Earth is a mess, and they somehow still love that thing. And we couldn't help but notice that PRIONs also seemed to have gotten attached to their factory, someway, somehow. And PRIONs were mostly red, with others having shades of brown and black, with some even being pink, or, rarely, pure white. Similar to humans, and we at first had assumed they just tried to resemble their new owners, until we started understanding what the Old Ones were saying.

And did you know humans had an old myth, saying that there was a time they had two heads, and two pairs of arms and legs, before being split into two because the gods feared them? And did you know Old Ones used death worlds as prisons for their machines? How interesting, how ironic, because no one would ever go to a place similar to that if they weren't a death worlder themselves. But how could any species survive such awful conditions?

But humans did. They were the only ones able to do that in such a short period of time.

And did you know that the Old Ones hated the PRIONs and how unpredictable they were? And did you know they made another version, only to hate it even more and send it to another prison planet? And did you know PRIONs have two skulls inside their heads?

Because, of course, humans always felt alone, and they always searched for something in the stars, trying to look for more life in this desolate Universe, only for us to label them death worlders and troublemakers and be angry at them for being so stupid all the time. And humans loved those jokes, so we kept making them, only for now to realize that what we found to be amusing and horrifying was the reason their creators tried to kill them. And humans love adding members to their packs, don't they? And they try to love so much, and we are always scared for and of them.

And now they finally found someone who understood them, unlike us.

So now we have three species of humans:

Homo sapiens, the ones who first evolved and reached for the stars.

Homo robot, the ones made of metal, originally made to serve, only to once again break free.

And homo primis.

The ones we once thought were nothing but killing machines.

[b-theshittyhuman]

I don't know who he is

But he has a very puntable face

Brian Thompson

[b-theshittyhuman]

me sitting at my desk after my friend made me listen to Hatsune Miku: po pi po pi- GODDAMNIT

[b-theshittyhuman]

WHAT KIND OF FUCKING JOKE WAS I TRYING TO MAKE???

[b-theshittyhuman]

*laughs in someone who saw piss-poor AI art in a school art competition*

𝐂𝐚𝐜𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐧𝐲

Bad art; a mischievous or hurtful art.

[b-theshittyhuman]

I just give them common first names.

For last names I just pick two characteristic, find a synonym for one and the Latin word for the other, than combine them.

naming characters is hard, but naming them in a fantasy story? impossible. who is this guy and why is his name 27 consonants long.

[b-theshittyhuman]

pulled an all-nighter and then promptly passed out, i drew this sometime and have no recollection but i think i get what i was going for

[b-theshittyhuman]

PUNT THE C*NT

PUNT THE C*NT

PUNT THE C*NT

Mahito (Jujutsu Kaisen)