avoidingadvice

[avoidingadvice]

I had one boundary for him. It was to not watch porn while I'm home and literally just in the other room. I am preeeetty positive he crossed that boundary again today despite that last time I caught him I sobbed for 3 days and told him if he doesn't have a little more respect for me I'll leave and he assured me he would change. I really thought this was easy and that he would follow it, but I don't think he is. So I'm done. As soon as I'm in a position to leave I will.

[avoidingadvice]

On today's episode of men suck, my boyfriend still definitely looks at girls online, even if I am standing right in front of him talking to him, and I'm fucking pissed about it.

[avoidingadvice]

It hurts to come to this realization that I'm not happy in my current relationship and I deserve better. I love him so much, but he will never love me the way I want. We just aren't meant to be together. And the worst part is that I'm realizing it 4 years in and during a time in my life when I'm completely unable to leave him. It hurts really bad and I wanna break down and cry and tell him how I feel, but that'll only put even more strain on things when I rely on him financially. And we are going away this weekend so like I have to pretend things are fine at least until we are back. Idk I'm feeling really raw about it all.

[avoidingadvice]

I'm beginning to realize my partner doesn't love me the way I want to be loved, despite that I love him. I think I deserve to be loved the way I want to be loved. He doesn't like my short hair/gnc presentation, he argues with me over political stuff without knowing anything, he chooses porn over me. I just......don't feel like I'm getting what I want out of this relationship. And I love him so much, but I need more than what he's giving me.

[avoidingadvice]

I'm really confused about my feelings rn. I don't want to fall out of love with this man. I've loved him more than I have ever loved anyone else I've been with, but now that I have decided to give him the ultimatum of porn or me and decided that I will be prepared to leave I'm starting to feel different about him. I feel uncomfy showing him affection or receiving his. I just feel kinda gross now. And I don't want to feel that way. I want to keep loving him and I want us to be happy together, but it doesn't feel like I can be happy in this now.

And he spouts a lot of conservative garbage that drives me insane and makes me wanna stop talking to him, but the thing is I know it's because he isn't actually looking into anything at all so he isn't hearing all the facts and he grew up in a conservative community and his parents are a bit conservative and all his friends are also, but his actual beliefs do match my own, he's just not getting the right info, he's believing all the misinformation that's floating around.

So like I just feel bad. And I wanna talk to him about it because I don't want to just quietly let this happen to our relationship and then be miserable until I leave, but if I bring it up now while I am financially relying on him and not in a position to leave it puts me at huge risk if we split. And it doesn't give him the incentive to change because I can't actually leave. So it feels like an impossible scenario.

I may make a post in r/loveafterporn to seek advice from those that have been through this, lay out all the details and see what wisdom they may have for me. Idk what else to do.

[avoidingadvice]

I've decided that I'm going to get my life together enough that I can leave and I'll give him the ultimatum of me or porn and if he can't quit porn I'm leaving. I'll move to the city so I can be with my friends. I'm done with his rage issues and porn addiction. I'm not going to deal with this for the rest of my life. I want a partner that appreciates me and doesn't choose porn over having sex with me.

I deserve to be appreciated and loved. I deserve a partner that thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. I deserve to be with a person that values me. I feel like I get very little of that with him right now.

I want to talk to him about it again and tell him how I'm feeling, but I'm relying on him too heavily that if we split now I'm screwed and I know if I bring it up without the leverage to leave nothing will change because he knows I won't leave. Then it'll just be a stressful conversation for nothing. I know because we've done that a few times now. If I can actually threaten him with leaving he might take it seriously and actually put in the work, but if I don't have anything to motivate him he won't change. And if he won't change anyway I'll leave.

I'm 27. I thought I'd be married by now, or at the very least, with the person I would eventually marry. I don't think he's the one. Not anymore.

[avoidingadvice]

Yeah so I just found r/loveafterporn

[avoidingadvice]

Oh, and an update on the situation with my sister. She texted me a "merry Christmas" on Christmas day as if nothing happened, still ignoring my long text where I spilled my feelings. I ignored her and haven't heard from her since.

[avoidingadvice]

My boyfriend takes any and every opportunity to jerk off to porn behind my back and we hardly have sex and I'm so fucking sad about it. I've talked to him so many times and he doesn't seem to care. It doesn't matter to him. He's content with this. Meanwhile I feel unwanted and unattractive.

[avoidingadvice]

Sigh. So my sister called me yesterday to try to convince me to come home for Christmas. She tried to offer to come get me, but it's a 6 hour drive one way and she expected me to come without my partner for some reason, which, no. And I have 3, soon to be 4, pets I have to deal with, it's not a good time for me to leave for a couple days. Before my parents got a last minute kijiji puppy I had suggested to my mother that they get a hotel room up here and come up here for Christmas this year instead, but her reasoning for saying no to that was that she doesn't like hotel rooms. That was it. So ouch.

I told my sister I also just didn't WANT to come down for Christmas because mum and dad treat me like garbage and all 3 of them forgot my birthday this year and I was still angry about that. The only excuses I got at the time were "things are busy here" and some really pathetic and forced apologies. My sister expanded on their excuses instead of acknowledging that I was hurt and saying sorry.

She tried to tell me I should tell mum how I feel, but I told her that every other time I've done that she's turned it around on me and made me into the bad guy and guilted me about it because she refuses to accept that she's been less than perfect to me. My sister then asked me to give her an example of when this has happened, which first of all I don't need to fucking give her an example???? What the fuck? She can't take my word for it? Like as if I'm making it up. Okay, so then the example I gave was 10 years ago when I had a huge blow up with my parents because I posted on fb to friends only about how I felt that the treatment I'd received from my parents growing up was abusive. I was venting in what i thought was a safe space. I didn't have anywhere else to turn. My cousin showed it to her dad, who is an asshole and hates my parents, and he cornered them in the grocery store parking lot and showed them the post. This turned into a fight because my mother called me a liar and said I was making things up and that I had done it on purpose to hurt her and how dare I say such awful things. None of what I posted about was a lie, it was all true and things that had actually happened. I wasn't pulling a bunch of BS out of my ass. So anyway, they made me delete it, my mother guilted me and cried and screamed and threw a massive tantrum over it. The entire ordeal lead me to just stop trusting literally everyone. I started to shut my parents out more than I already did, I shut all my cousins out (also my cousin defended what she did and said she was worried about me and didn't apologize for aggravating my literal abusers and making it worse), I couldn't even feel safe talking to my friends at all. My mother effectively taught me to bottle up my feelings and negative emotions because everyone else's feelings are more important than mine.

And my sister more or less confirmed this on the phone because she kept saying I shouldn't have posted it online like that. On my own Facebook profile. NOT publicly. In a space I had absolutely no reason to believe wasn't safe. She told me I should have spoken privately with one person about it. I didn't have a person to go to. That's why I posted it the way I did and I stand by my position that I was not wrong to do so when I thought it was a safe space.

Then while she was on the phone with me and I was getting increasingly pissed at her I could hear a man in the background. I asked her who it was and she said it was her friend. He was apparently offering to speak to me. Like excuse me??? He has no fucking business inserting himself into a situation he knows nothing about. He's some random fucking guy I don't know? Get fucked. I was so mad. I ended up hanging up on her.

I then wrote up a very long text to her. I started by saying sorry for yelling, that wasn't kind. Then I went into detail about why I don't believe I'm in the wrong and that I didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me about everything and that it hurts to know they don't care that they missed my birthday and that it hurt me. I told her if they want a relationship with me they need to give a fuck about me as an individual and stop treating me like a disappointment.

She never replied and I don't think she will. I don't think I'll be hearing from any of them for a while. I think I'm done. I think I'm ready to cut them out of my life. My sister proved to me yesterday that the 3 of them don't care about me and it's only about them. It's always only ever been about them.

I'm going to legally change my name and I'm going to cut all ties with my entire family. I'm done.

[avoidingadvice]

It's been a while since I posted anything here. My partner and I are fine, we worked stuff out. I dropped out of school. Again. I don't have a job, but I have an interview for a position at the local newspaper in a few weeks. My puppy was born on my birthday and comes home on the 30th. We got a kitten. I tried to reach out for help at my local community health mental health services to get a second opinion on adhd/autism because my assessment in March was BS and I was told that because it was so thorough they won't send me for another assessment and if i want a second opinion I have to find a private practice and pay for it myself. So that's really depressing. Yesterday I went to the city to have a wisdom tooth extracted, but I couldn't afford sedation and when I showed up they wanted to do an extra $300 xray. I cried because I was already so anxious and I didn't have the money for that. The doctor told me he would cover the xray for me, which was so unbelievably kind. I let them do the xray, but I left with my tooth intact because I was too anxious and they said I can come back another time, maybe when I have insurance, so that I can afford sedation. It's been rough. But I'm trying really hard.

[avoidingadvice]

Last night before bed I said goodnight and he asked for a hug. I turned him down and he asked me if I was okay. I said no. He asked me if I wanted to sleep in our room and he would take a turn on the couch (keeping new kitten separate from older cat and older cat will cry if he can't sleep with us) and I said no and went to bed on the couch because he didn't push any further than that. Not sure how he didn't put 2 and 2 together the first night when I found out what he had been doing and then later he caught me sobbing on the couch. Like is he really that oblivious? Does he really not know what's wrong? I don't understand how he hasn't figured it out. Like he knows how I feel about The Issue. He knooooows. He knows that it's an issue, even. He's still sucking up like he does when I'm upset. But I think he just thinks I'm depressed and not that there's something specific that's upset me. He brought home a bird feeder for me yesterday that he had found. I'd been wanting to build one, but haven't gotten around to it. While I appreciate that it doesn't change the fact that he had broken my trust yet again and I'm not sure how to treat this whole thing. I've just been so tired of all of this. I really cannot comprehend how he hasn't figured it out. How many more days am I gonna have to do this before he says something?

[avoidingadvice]

I think I'm just gonna wait until my partner says something before I talk to him about The Issue because usually the way it goes is we fight, we walk away, he comes back acting like everything is fine, I'm still mad, he kisses ass until I give in, I pry it out of him and we talk, make up, repeat, but I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm kinda giving him the cold shoulder, which I know isn't great, but I'm so tired of doing all the emotional labour. It's always up to me and I don't wanna do it anymore. And I know when the whole thing finally is talked about he's gonna feel really bad about it. Honestly I'm pretty sure he's going to say sorry and make at least some effort to stop, but then again he could just go on the defensive and if he does I'm out. I'm done. I'll move back home yet again, I don't care. I'm not going to be with someone that refuses to make an effort. I deserve better.

[avoidingadvice]

Thinking more on this whole thing with my partner and his porn habit and now I'm even more angry about it.

I went back to school because he told me he didn't wanna get married until he knew I could support myself and he wasn't going to get stuck supporting me if I couldn't. So I picked a bachelor of commerce program and started uni. I've done 3 terms now and things are falling apart. I'm assuming it's due to my undiagnosed autism/adhd. But anyway, I'm ready to quit. I'm done. I'm over it. I don't wanna do this anymore. And I am in school, partly for me, but also for him. I went back to school to prove to him I could support myself and then we could get married. But he can't even stop watching porn while I'm literally in the next room for me? I didn't even tell him he had to quit entirely! I just wanted him to not do it while I was in the next room, secretly! And he couldn't even do that for me!!! So like why the fuck does he think he can tell me to go get a "real" job before he will marry me, but I ask him to do this for me and he just fucking won't??? That's fair how????????? Idk I'm mad. I'm moving closer and closer to dumping him tbh. I'd talk to him about the whole thing, but what's the use? He's probably gonna keep doing it anyway. He's probably never going to stop. I can bend over backward for him and he won't do a fucking thing for me.

And I had my first appointment with my new counselor today and i purposefully lied to her and told her our relationship was fine because I didn't want to talk about this and derail the autism stuff because that's my priority.

I don't even know if talking to him will help. Idk if he will ever wake up and realize that I do fucking everything he asks of me, or I at least try as hard as I can, and he just flat out refuses to do anything for me. He seems to think mowing the lawn and doing the maintenance on my car is enough. He has no fucking clue.

[avoidingadvice]

What do you do when you find out your partner has been secretly watching porn behind your back? What do you do when they would rather watch porn and jerk off in the other room instead of asking you for sex or indicating in any way that they would like sex? And you don't find out until you've moved in together and been together for a year and a half?

I'd asked him to, at the very least, not do it when I'm literally in the other room. Like do it when I'm not home. I wanted him to quit completely, but all I asked of him was to just not do it while I'm literally right fucking here. And do you think he could at least do that for me? Fuck no. And he knows how much it bothers me and hurts me and he hardly ever has sex with me, but he sure always has time for some porn and a wank.

Like I know I can dump him. I don't have to stay with a person that uses porn if I don't like it, but the problem being that we are coming up on 4 years together. We have pets together. We have established so much together and I love him more than I have ever loved another person before. I have never loved someone like this. He is so sweet and good to me otherwise, but this one thing I cannot get past and he can't not take any and every opportunity to watch porn and wank. I just don't get it. Like I know it's not really right for me to ask him to change for me and ask him to stop completely, but I absolutely do not think it's too much to ask that he just not do it when I'm sitting in the other room and he hasn't even hinted at sex.

I cried all fucking night and I do not feel any better this morning. I'm still fucking crying.

I've been sleeping on the couch with our dog and older cat because we got a new kitten and she has to be kept separate for now so he's been keeping her in our room and sleeping in there at night and I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assured myself that he wouldn't take advantage of being alone in our room with the door closed and watch porn while I was on the couch, but lo and behold, that's the last time I give him the benefit of the doubt. I played it off like I didn't care when I found out, but then I cried on the couch all night. He heard me sniffling and came out to check on me and held me for a while, I refused to talk about it. I don't even know if he knows why I'm sad. I know damn well he won't bring it up and talk about it with me. I've asked him so many times not to do it and yet I always manage to find out that he's been doing it again.

I can't be with a man that does this. I don't want to have this fucking issue looming over me for the rest of my life while we are together. Like I don't want to constantly be fucking upset and worried about this forever.

And idk if he knows what's going on with me or not, but he's cleaning right now instead of leaving for work so I think he's trying to suck up, which is what he usually does when I'm upset with him. It's not working. I wish he would just leave me alone and go to work. That way I can keep being sad alone and not have to deal with him cooing over me because I'm upset. I just want to be alone. He's the reason I'm upset and he's making it so much harder for me to figure out what to do when he's sweet to me. Like it's not fair. Reasonably I should break up with him, but I love him so fucking much and we go together so well otherwise. And I feel like an asshole every time I bring this issue up because he's so defensive about it and no matter how many times I sob over it he doesn't seem to understand why it bothers me so much. And I know he loves me and he cares about me, but this hurts so bad.

I was gonna say something last night when I had found out, but thought twice and just left it alone. I know talking about it again won't change anything. It hasn't before. We have had that discussion so many fucking times and nothing changes. He just gets sneakier instead. Which I can't understand. I can't understand why he still does it knowing how much it hurts me. That feels so bad. There is just no use in talking about it anymore so the only other thing I can do is shove it down and pretend everything is fine and be sad alone.

I have my first appointment with my new counselor today, but I can't bring this issue up with her because my priority right now is an autism diagnosis and this shit happening right now is so inconvenient because it's getting in the way of dealing with other shit. Like if I talk to her about this today it's going to derail the whole thing and I can't do that right now. I need to deal with the autism stuff because that one thing alone would help with so many of my issues.

[avoidingadvice]

I've just been having a horrible month so far and today is no exception.

Our internet at home has been giving us issues and we have to reset our router like 6 times a day. My data has also been down today, apparently everyone's is. So I couldn't use my wifi or my data and I'd tried to call the vet's office so I could pick-up some bravecto for my dog today, but I got sent to voicemail and it said they were closed. Couldn't Google their hours because no internet. Tried to text my partner to ask him to call our internet provider today, but the text wouldn't send.

Put makeup on today to go with my new hair colour and as soon as I left the house my right eye started watering like Niagara falls and completely ruined my makeup, had to wear my sunglasses the whole time I was in town.

Kept forgetting what I was doing and ended up running around all over town trying to get everything done that I needed to. There are still things I need to do that I haven't done, but I just wasn't in the mood to stay in town longer.

I feel like I have absolutely no time for anything. I have so much school work I need to do and I'm VERY behind right now. I'm starting to panic because I don't feel I have enough time to get everything done. I'm going to have to start spending extra time (that I don't really have) working on it.

I'm so incredibly stressed out here. I had such an awful weekend. My sister's cat died on Friday, my exam I was supposed to take on Friday was cancelled because my internet was too slow so they wouldn't let me take the exam. I had put off a bunch of stuff to study for this exam and now I haven't even taken it yet and I have a ton to catch up on. My partner has been in a rotten mood and fighting with his dad all weekend. Then we had a fight over some stupid bullshit.

There is just way too much going on all at the same time right now and I feel so helpless and I feel like I'm just drowning in everything. I don't have time for everything I need to do and I definitely don't have time to do anything I enjoy doing to de-stress, so I'm just getting worse and worse.

[avoidingadvice]

One thing my ex did to me was when he and I started getting really into pokemon cards he would get pouty and mad when he was losing and when he was winning he would rub it in my face.

He got this really good premade deck and I absolutely couldn't beat him at all anymore so I didn't want to play anymore because it wasn't fun, I never won and he was rude about it. He would get angry at me for that and complained that he wasted all this money on cards and would try to guilt me. Then I got myself a good premade deck, too, and I started winning more and he would just get absolutely furious at losing. So, again, we stopped playing because I wasn't having fun anymore.

When we broke up I asked him what he wanted me to do about all our pokemon cards, because we kept them all together in one box and didn't know whose was whose anymore. He told me to just take them all. So I did.

I didn't recognize how bad this was until after I was out, but this was some really horrible manipulation and guilt tripping.