avellanasmentalhealth

[avellanasmentalhealth]

them: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST MEANS HUMANS MUST BE INDIVIDUALLY SELF-SUFFICIENT AND COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT

biologist:

[avellanasmentalhealth]

As often happens, you wake to the hard bar of your monster's cock at your back, his hand groping for your breast. You're never sure who started it, but you grind back against him regardless. He groans, deep in your ear as his other hand glides under your nightgown. His fingers slip easily over your clit, pressing and circling as growls in your ear. You wiggle against him wishing he was filling you instead. He chuckles darkly, his tusks grazing your neck as the hand from your breast shifts to pin to you him.

"please, I need your cock," you beg, only for his arm to grip harder.

"ah, ah, ah, precious. I like you like this, caught and squirming against me, such good, sweet little prey. I want you to come for me, previous, and then I want you to run."

[avellanasmentalhealth]

education vs. fascism in iruma-kun

someone mentioned this in another post but iruma-kun does a wonderful job of showing that education is key to fighting fascist and harmful radical ideas. As soon as it became clear that things were going to change in the netherworld what was Sullivan's response? It wasn't "oh we need to send spies" or "we need to find the people" (though im sure people are working hard to find those answers) it was "we need to focus on educating our students." Because only knowledge and diversity in thoughts can combat fascist ideas. The issue only becomes worse with a lack of understanding and an echo chamber. And by doubling down with education, we can make sure our students are prepared for what lies ahead. Thats how we truly fight the power.

The teachers themselves can tell that things are changing. They stay informed and guess what? its obvious things are about to throw down soon. And so they work tirelessly not just because it's their jobs, but because they need to. this is their protest. this is how we can prevent the spread of gross rhetoric. And after Heartbreaker what they do? they double down on their education too. Because there is always something new to learn, always a way to grow/sharpen your strength. They too know that they can't stay stagnant, they must continue pushing to provide their students with the best chance of survival.

When you have villians that believe in these ideas in media, there's a big issue of them leaving out education as a weapon. But it's crucial if we want anything to truly change. Iruma himself wants to no longer be naive about the netherworld which was growing to be an issue the longer he stays. because yeah, you can't stay uninformed anymore iruma. its time to learn about the history of you new home and the leaders. taking being the king out of it, ignorance about these topics is a breeding ground for becoming complacent. iruma wants to be a hero? or at least, do the right thing when he can? that requires knowledge to make sure you aren't inadvertently hurting someone along the way.

Iruma loves the netherworld, the place he proudly calls home. but it's frought with danger and cruel people. And yet, Iruma is still proud of his new home and friends and wants to do anything he can to stay here. This reflects real life, where there is goodness and pride in the place you live and yet a faction of people who taint it with othering ideas. However, it's always worth fighting for the good overall and bettering yourself so you can see another tomorrow through. Iruma knows he can only protect himself and his loved ones is through learning. And I love Nishi for truly understanding this too. You can't fight fascism through pure will, it has to be beaten by education and the williness to better one's knowledge. That is how we will take back the Netherworld.

but yeah, this is just my little spiel as someone who loves educational activism and is going to school to become a teacher :). If i can find the original post I'll make sure to credit the op!

[avellanasmentalhealth]

THEEEEM ✨✨

[avellanasmentalhealth]

While I'm happy that the word "gaslighting" is more known than it used to be, and that people at large are learning to recognize what it looks like, I feel like we need to be careful not to turn it into something soft and casual we throw around off the cuff without meaning.

Being gaslit is psychological abuse that fucks you up very badly, very slowly, at such a gradual pace that you don't usually know it's happening until it's already re-wired your brain.

If you're unfamiliar with the term, "to gaslight" is to intentionally persuade someone that they cannot trust their own perceptions of reality. It's a destabilizing form of manipulation that leaves you constantly anxious, off-balanced, confused, and dependant on others.

This is done by lying about events that have happened or about things that are happening, invalidating feelings and observations, and either denying, refusing to acknowledge, or deflecting away from hard facts.

As someone who has experienced gaslighting as a form of abuse, this is what I remember from when I didn't know anything was off:

"Oh, I must have forgotten what really happened."

"I'm just not seeing it from their point of view."

"Everyone has their ups and downs. This is normal."

"I guess I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."

"I must have been wrong."

This is what I remember from when I first started realizing something was weird:

"How come every time I'm convinced they did something wrong, they just talk to me a few minutes, and I end up asking for their forgiveness? What has me so convinced I was right in the first moment?"

"I should start writing things down when they happen, so I can go back and check later when I'm confused."

"If every relationship like ours (familial, romantic, platonic) works this way, how come I never hear about it, or read about it, or see it anywhere else?"

Getting out and adjusting to the real world is hard, too, and comes with rapid swings of unfounded guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, and self-deprication that are completely unfounded in reality.

You've been conditioned to believe that you are entirely helpless and unable to think for yourself, possibly "crazy" or otherwise fundamentally impaired, and that there is a singular source of guidance that knows exactly what is right, and all of a sudden that pillar of support has vanished.

The immediate "after" that I recall looks like:

Constant uncertainty. Because nobody is there to tell you what's real and what isn't, you approach every situation thinking at it from all angles. Every question has fifty possible answers and most of them are wrong and you don't know which. If you choose wrong, the world will end.

A sense of helplessness. You feel that nothing you do is correct, and it's easier to make no choices at all- or you make wild, reckless, impulsive choices, because you feel you have nothing to lose.

Memory loss. I don't understand this one, but it's not like memoriescare being erased, but more like... you're so used to treating your memories as dreams or imaginations that you reflexively dismiss anything you recall as fake, and you can't believe anything you recall because you don't think it was real. Your abusers voice is in your head, wiping things away and telling you that you did the wrong thing. And you believe them, because they're the only constant you can rely on.

Missing the abuser, or the abusive dynamic. Because you know now that it wasn't healthy, but at least you knew where you stood. As long as you said the right things and acted the right way, agreed and obeyed and did as they expected, you felt like thevworld made sense. Now you have to figure out which parts of you really are broken, and which parts are working fine in a really weird way, and it's like tuning a piano when you've never played one before.

The long term "after"- for which I can only speak for myself- looks like:

Having to double-check, triple-check, and continue checking hard evidence of an event before responding in an active way.

Consulting with trusted friends to verify that your observations are legitimate and that your perceptions are valid. Following up with them to see if someone is really angry at you, or if you're just projecting anger onto them because it's what makes sense to your old pattern.

Obsessive collection of "evidence"- saving pictures, writing detailed journals, making recordings and video, never deleting emails or old texts, because you still don't quite trust yourself all the way and you're afraid that someone will cause you to doubt yourself again.

Continued self-doubt and being "gullible": I have straight up seen people flip me off to my face in front of witnesses and then immediately tell me, "No, I was just waving", and my first instinct is to believe them. For a few seconds, I *really do* believe them. Your brain is so trained to latch onto what people tell you to believe that its really, really hard to hold onto information that you already have.

Learning to take ownership over your own actions. (I didn't mess up because I'm "crazy", I messed up because I'm a person and people do that.)

Instinctively seeking approval. (Takes a lot of work to remind myself that I don't exit to make people happy, and that some people suck ass, and I can tell them to piss off.)

I don't intend to invalidate anyone currently struggling with this- if you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. That's the thought that got me out. Trust that feeling that something isn't right.

I just want people who don't know what to look for to know what gaslighting *actually* looks and feels like, so they don't just roll their eyes and think, "Oh, that word doesnt apply to me- I'm not some snowflake".

('Cause we all saw what happened with "triggered", right?)

[avellanasmentalhealth]

Im imensly upset with myself. Becahse im not longer loving with my abusers (and theyve been on vacation for the past 5 weeks so super low contact) and all I can think about doing right now is passing up and going to the hospital because I'm still suffering from depression despite living in a new and better environment for 6 weeks while my grandpa sits outside in the living room waiting for me to wake up as I lay in my bed door locked past 3pm

[avellanasmentalhealth]

I have a dream in which one day I pass out and wake up in the hospital so I can avoid my schoolwork

[avellanasmentalhealth]

Guess whos got a big smashign headcannon that Hunters palisman lil rascal will just like, ruffle thru his notes and papers n stuff while hes studying shit and thats how hell stumble across smth big. lil rascal also gets very restless stuck in the room all the time cause if hes seen its bad. so if like, a new person that hunter deems trustworthy comes in the room (idk he sneaks someone in cause hes learning how bad belos is) lil rascal will be all over that person.

sniff sniff i must examine

lil rascal is very good at finding useful things for hunter. good people, important info, ect *cough cough* plot speedrun time

Hey!!! Hunter!!! Hunter bro look at this thing!!!!!

Hunter: OMG PLOT

[avellanasmentalhealth]

My brothers being absolutely absurd. Whenever I ask him for help or to borrow his things, he always refuses without conditions. So when he asked for the hulu information just now, after calling me 3 times in jest meer seconds after the other, I said I would give it to him for 5$. All the TVs in the house and the switch already have it set up so it's not like he cant use it at all, but he threw a fuss.he said I owe him for the 4 times he took my laundry out of the wash because I would have been yelled at otherwise. But I never asked him to do that ever, he is always adding conditions to any nice thing he does. He has grew to hate the game catan because it is the only game I'm willing to play. He says mom and dad give me special treatment. I always manage to find a way to cut corners around them, and I think I just realized why

In my mind theres a devil on my shoulder compelling me to believe I am selfish and worthless for cutting thesecorners. That I am cheating life and being unfair, but I do them anyways and for a while I wasnt quite sure how I could manage to continue suffering from that guilt of cutting corners when I was already usless. When I already needed to prove that I was not a burden or a waste. For a long time I thought that allowing myself to continue cutting these corners was a very bad trait that I had inherited from mom. I worried for so long that I would end up just like my mom because I was almost constantly finding corners to cut - but having this conversation with my brother made me consider that mabey I actively seek put these corners to cut so I can make my life just a little bit easier and bearable.

My brother is constantly trying to bennifer from every 'nice' thing he does, and is a literal bully to me - hes the reason I didnt realize I was getting bullied in school for 12 years; I thought it was normal because of him. Then theres my mom who constantly berates my feelings and interests - even some of my brothers interests too. Both my parents also put a good amount of pressure on me constantly. Get nothing lower than a 80% in school, dont spend money on things that Arent a necessity (which they bought all of ao I could not spend any money), graduate college by this time and take a full 12 credits each term, dont openly express how much you like things like anime and the fact that you are lgbt+, dont do this dont do that do it this exact way or else you are worthless and will get nowhere in life.

Mabey my constantly seeking corners to cut was my way of sort of alleviating all that stress, like some sort of trauma responce. But I cant decide if it's a valid trauma responce type thing or if I really am selfish and just as terrible as my mother. The devil compels me to hate myself, and I dont know how to stop listening. Because the more I favor the trauma responce possibility, the more my family fights back and fuels the devil, proving it to be right all along. I am usless. Worthless. Selfish. Cant do anything myself. I'm a burden who constantly looks for ways to leech off others. I'll never make it in the real world and I dont deserve to live. But will I stop cutting corners when I move out?

[avellanasmentalhealth]

Omfg yes!!! For the past few weeks I've done nothing but sleep, schoolwork, and rewatching the same 12 episodes because it's the only thing that rejuvenates my spoons so I can actually get all my schoolwork done on time!!!!

My brain has associated certin locations with certin activities. And home is basically the one place I can do anything EXCEPT read and schoolwork. I cant even read for my own joy! Most of my teachers have accents too so the auto closed captions wont work very well and I'd have to watch the whole lecture a second time for reliable CC. I dont have time for that though. My family's so upset I'm jot spending time with them cause 1. I dont have time and 2. I dont want to.

I get so distracted and cloud-minded at home trying to do schoolwork because home is not the place for school. And I cant GO somewhere that is the right mindset for school because that only place is SCHOOL. I would stay after school for HOURS getting my work done. When classes first moved online I tried doing schoolwork inside my fucking car in the garage. It didnt work.

ok but can we talk about how online school is soo bad for neurodivergent people?? like if you have any kind of attention issues it sucks bc (for me at least) there are too many things going on for and i get distracted. and the computer just becomes background noice and i can't listen to a single word my teacher says. and my learning disability is 100 times worse online idk why but i just can't learn like this i hate it here

[avellanasmentalhealth]

I can read almost perfectly fine inside my head quietly but when I read out loud like to a class, i fuck up so much. It makes my mom think i do the same thing when reading inside my head but shes wrong

One of the most annoying things about my dyslexia is that I talk slower than most people, and that may not sound bad but I always feel like I’m holding up the conversation when I talk, and it’s caused me to be very self conscious about my voice so much that when I was younger I considered trying to act mute at school so nobody would have to hear my voice. Even now I get incredibly worried whenever I need to speak because of it.

This is why dyslexia needs to be talked about more than just “Letters move around on paper”. I get frustrated whenever someone is shown as dyslexic in media, but the only trait is that they can’t read. There’s no slowed talking, there’s no words constantly on the tip of the tongue, there’s not even slowed writing or anything like that. 

Dyslexia is a learning disorder that affects the ability to process language, people experience it differently and it shouldn’t be seen as just trouble reading disorder. Things like that is what caused me to be diagnosed so late in life.

[avellanasmentalhealth]

Exasperated - emotions journal

I'm not even sure if this counts as an emotion because I cant find it on my emotions wheel, but it's the one word that's wmotion-like that describes how I feel rn. I'm tired. Exhausted. That last post I made was the result of having 2 anxiety attacks in 2 days and now that they're over, I can see them for what they really were. I'm tired of constantly switching from sitting a safe distance from the ledge and dangling off of it. I feel guilty for making the post now that my mind is more clear, but I dont.... like this empty feeling whenever the anxiety attacks end.

I once described to my therapist that my emotions are kind of tucked into a black hole inside of me. Normally I keep the door to that black holes and consequently my emotions, closed - for fear of being sucked in. Whenever I have an anxiety attack though the door starts to open and I'm flooded with the bad emotions trying to drag me into the neverending pitfall that is the vortex of the black hole. A neverending fall where I get ripped apart peice by peice before even entering. Every time I have an anxiety attack I find myself wanting and wishing it to never end. In that moment of being sucked in, I realize just how important it is to me that I feel emotions. In that moment I would rather forever be trapped in an anxiety attack getting sucked into that black hole than have the door closed, feeling numb at almost everything.

My grandma's dying, and I feel nothing. My brother was shocked at my lack of a reaction and it only served to show me how much I hate the way people assume my emotions and how I feel. The door to my emotions and that black hole is closed so often. I think I created it myself too, because I often get belittled and my interests/feelings/emotions invalidated when I expressed them at home - either by mother or my brother. I must have thought it safer to just close it all up behind that door, then the black hole formed. I dont know what the proper way to react to things are anymore. I try to reserve my reaction until I k ow what the right way to react (based on how I feel) is. But before I can get to that point, people always assume what they want about my lack of a reaction. And I'm tired of being objectified by that. After they earnestly express what they have deduced about me from my lack of a reaction, I'm filled with rage. The express and talk about their conclusion with so much earnesty that every time I try to correct them, my actions only serve as even more fucking evidence in favor of their opinion.

My mother would oftentimes not believe me even when I was telling the truth. One time I accidentally locked my brother out of the house (I locked the garage door but he knew where the key was) while I went out on a bike trip and my mother kept me in my room for gods know how long. Every now and then she would come up and ask me why I locked him out, and I would say 'I dont know. I wasn't thinking' and she would respond 'no. You did it because of X reason and you dont get to leave ur room for dinner untill you admit it's. I may not have known why I did it, but I did know that her reason wasnt the reason. My dad stayed with me in my room and eventually persuaded me to lie so I could go eat. Now every time someone tries to ask me why i did a thing or what my opinion is when they already have their own guess, i always end up acting in a way that gives them more evidence to believe their thing. I ship my dnd character with a npc, but the dm fully believes i ship them because i myself love the npc (i do, but not like that. My character and the npc are like my grand children. Babies) and I cant convince her otherwise. I often feel like I have to have an anxiety attack in order for people to get it through their fucking skull that their thinking about me is wrong and they need to respect me when I say it is. And I just.... dont have that kind of emotional vulnerability to spare. I'm so tired of it.

I'm so tired of being broken like this. I'm so tired of my situation. I'm exhausted. I'm exasperated. I'd rather lay down drifing calmly in a river as my problems float by getting bigger and bigger. Because at least after my little float I'll have more energy to deal with them - even if it leaves me in an endless cycle of fighting the problems and drifting for a while as they grow, never actually making any progress

[avellanasmentalhealth]

Despair - emotions journal (I guess)

it doesnt matter what i do. I feel so much despair. every time i try and talk abut my worries, anxiety, or struggles with my family they always end up dismissing and invalidating them. my mother has no clue why everyone is so distraught over not having a spring break this term - my dad and brother tried to comfort me (while having an anxiety attack from watching 20 minutes of a movie that was mainly people dangerously chopping wood) saying things like theres no way they would actually show a limb being chopped off - but that wasnt the issue. weekends are not enough of a break - especially when you spend every waking moment either doing school work, sleeping, or rewatching the same fucking 12 episodes because its the only thing that gives you more spoons to do your schoolwork! 

i have enough pressure already from dad saying i need to take a full 12 credits next term no matter what and moms sure to flip out if i have any grade less than an 80%. theres only a few more weeks left of the term, but i know itll only get worse. i wont have the excuse of schoolwork to stay in my room all day, so moms going to make me do a bunch of shitty stuff with her, and dad expects me to hold a fake smile though it all - he expects me to hold that smile for another 5 years (until i can afford to move out essentially) because he doesnt wanna deal with the problem that is his fucking wife. i told him about my trauma, and all he’s done is tell me to fake it till i make it. its better for him that way. its better for him if i take a full 12 credits next term. its better for him if i have at least a part time job . its better for him if he doesnt have to deal with my issues. but those issues are gonna pile up way too high one of these days.

im considering it. i really am. what if i slowly just stopped eating and passed out one day? would they notice then? would they care? would they finally realize how bad things have been for me lately? would they finally do something useful about it? do i really have to pass out or end up in the hospital for them to realize? or my therapist telling them im slowly becoming suicidal?

Im really tired. i dont wanna do this anymore. how much more until i have my first real suicidal thought? how much more until my i dont want to live anymore turns into a plan or a thought of making that real? I know the one thing that would help fix me up the fastest is moving out, but i cant. they’re paying for 60,000$ of my college, they’re paying for my gas, they arent charging me for rent or food, im using their car. id be completely fucked over if i moved out even a month from now. how much more can i take? 

it feels like nothing i do matters anyways. i feel so empty. so void. knowing i have good friends i want to build my life with, but cant. Cant move out. cant fix mom. cant do or be what they want me to. I’m stuck

I’m alone in my own house

[avellanasmentalhealth]

So I'm reading my psychology textbook for school, and it got on the subject of mirror neurons. Ya know, those are the neurons that cause monkey see monkey do. If you are watching a movie and a character grips their plain arm rest tightly because the plane is about to crash, and you in turn, grin your movie seat arm rest, that's because of the mirror neurons. Same thing when you tense up when characters get like, punched and stuff on screen. It's the mirror neurons.

Although thecnically my textbook says scientists still dont know how mirror neurons work, and it's only a theory that the mirror neurons are what cause this, I think it explains why I'm so afraid of sharp things like butter knives. The knife slices through the air and I tense as if it were slicing through....uhhhh, something else. Ya know. Mabey my mirror neurons are just super active when it comes to knives???

[avellanasmentalhealth]

Just finished researching Steven universe and gotta say I'm crying. I don't often cry outside of anxiety attacks, but I'm crying RN. I just-.... it's just such a good show - how did Rebecca sugar make something so amazing?!?!? Every time I watch an episode I feel like I go on cloud 9. I feel like I dissapear - like I just merge with the show and become complete. I feel whole. There's so many interesting psychological things about the show, and you can tell many different plot points have been planned out for a LONG time.

I've had a hard time understanding tv show conclusions, even if they were well written, but I feel like Steven Universe Future was made with that in mind somehow? When I first watched it I felt like the way Steven was learning how to deal with all his major traumatic near death experiences disappearing was also me, a viewer, learning hand in hand how to deal with the show ending. It struck me the moment Saydie said "because it was personal" in response to Steven asking why he wasn't present when she and lars talked about their relationship. There's been so many points in the Steven Universe series that just feel so therapeutic to me. How each of the characters deal with problems, neck how they even TALK about the problems. It's unlike anything I've ever seen before on tv. The show just makes me feel so human. So grounded in what I am, it's like my mind asends to a higher state of being.

I've realised so much about myself through maladaptive daydreaming while watching SU, letting the emotions of the show carry me through my thoughts. That was my for of therapy for about 5 years before I started ACTUAL therapy. I learn something new almost every time I watch SU like this. Today, I just found out about how I bottle my emotions up. I used to think there was a mysterious black hole inside me sucking up all my emotions, but now I'm starting to realize I might have created the black hole in the first place. There's so many instances where I just Don't know how to act, and how I act in those moments are exactly the times people make wrong assumptions about how I feel. I try to act like I'm fine all the time, like I'm not broken. Like I'm normal. But I know I'm broken, and i know I need fixing. I've known for a long time, but my mom just.... basically forced me at a young age that I cant.... be not normal. My mom tried so hard to shove responsibility upon me in the hopes it would make up for my mental disorders. I was never really allowed to be..... not normal, especially around her. Eventually I think I just developed into what I am now (but it happened at such a young age im not really sure) Acting as if everything's fine like I'm a normal person. I'm pretending. But I've been pretending so long I don't even know how to act BROKEN anymore - even tho the experience of being broken is unique to everyone. I don't know how I'm supposed to act like MY form of broken. I don't know how to be. Sometimes it feels like my whole life, everything I do, is just pretend. Like none of it's real. I want to pretend to be normal, because that's way better than fighting against my pretendness to act like..... ya know, I normally should. Like my normal broken self. But know i know all these things about myself thatll make the healing process easier!

And im so sad the show is over and there won't be anymore, but I know that with the conclusion we had I'll be able to love on just like Steven did in his life. I'll always had the show with me, but I won't let it tie me down in one place. I'll use it to lift me up. I'll become complete without it

[avellanasmentalhealth]

What's great is me hearing my nose make a whistle sound simular to my ringtone and almost having an anxiety attack cause someone's calling me

[avellanasmentalhealth]

I feel so teased. Ever since early high school I've wanted therapy, but was too scared to ask. 5 years later the relationship with my mom cones to a bad tipping point and dad gets me therapy, but we're working on the relationship with my mom mostly. She's seriously considering kicking me out of the house. The main focus in therapy SHOULD be stabilizing my mom's and i's relationship, but the real reason I want therapy is to work on myself. My mom is a narcissist and thinks our whole bad relationship is completely my fault and that I made it up in my head. Every memory I bring up as a point she gaslights. My therapist has said that really the only thing we can do is help me survive living with her until either she changes or I can move out. It's basic survival. But gods damn it feels like everything I want is being dangled in front of me just out of reach.

I'm so tired of being afraid of everything. Especially new unfamiliar things. I can't leave the house without my backpack full of shit I won't need. I can barely go to the store to buy milk without being on the verge of an anxiety attack. I liked my job (in a retirement facility in the kitchen) because the only people I had to talk to regularly were fellow coworkers. People I had become familiar with. It wasn't like working a register where I would be in constant contact with strangers. The place I worked was the only Dietairy Aid position I could find where I wouldent have to take the residents orders, which would have increased the number of people I would have had to get acustomed to, increasing my already overwhelming anxiety. I worker their for a year and had just barely started to get comfortable with the caregivers I see regularly.

The Top Dog in the office decided, for whatever stupid reason, to make everyone in the kitchen go full time. Because I'm in college I can't do that, so she called me up the day of the coup in DC and said they will no longer need my services. I told my parents, and mom made a comment about looking for a new job again. I went in my room and not even 10 seconds later broke down into an anxiety attack that lasted half the day. Not over losing the friends I made at work, or even losing my job. The fact they would make me find another job again. The first time I managed to drag the search out for about 2 months or so until I found the one I just lost. When I took a semester off school (because I don't learn well online, I also had an anxiety attack over it moving online) my parents insisted I start working full time. I wasn't able to get the hours at the job I already had, and went on another hunt for jobs. I thought I would be able to find another Dietairy Aid position but all of them required me talking to the residents. I know the residents are all good people and veryfriendly, would probably even fawn over how cute and small I am with my baby face and tiny hands. I struggle enough with people treating me like an intellectual kid because of how my ADHD and trauma make me act. How am I supposed to handle those residents constantly treating me the same? Even if unintentional. And even if j did communicate that to them, id have to face to face communicate it with them. Something I already know will start and anxiety attack and i already know how they will react. Causing more anxiety.

I can't do it. I can't function. For 5 long years I wanted therapy so badly to try and fix my anxiety and depression symptoms. Now I finally have therapy, but we can't even work on that stuff. We can't work on what I consider to the the top problem simply because moms tired of me distancing myself from her narcissistic gaslighting ass. Some days I feel so crippled. Like I'll never be a properly functioning person because of her. But every time she leave a for a trip or something I start to feel normal. I start to break out of my shell because the Lion is no longer prowling my shed. I know the second she leaves my life I can finally move on and make progress to better myself mentally, but i cant move out of the house because I can't afford it. I have to go to college. And I don't even have a job anymore. And even thinking about searching for a new one TERRIFIES me to the point of anxiety attacks. I can't function like this.