atth3bord3r

[atth3bord3r]

Welcome home borders.

Today I’m here to tell a story.

One I’m still deciding if the end is happy or sad. Maybe you can help me.

It’s the story of how someone walked into my life one day many years ago.

How they filled a spot I desperately longed to be filled even though at the time I was too young to realise it.

How I cherished this person. Loved them. Grew with them. Because of them. Learned from them. Had hopes and dreams because of them.

Then one day, a text and a phone call ended with me in tears. Years of my life changed. My whole life turned upside down. An entire part of me turned off.

And now, after almost five years of radio silence. After I’ve grieved. Forgiven and prayed. They���re back in my life.

Someone who walked away walked back.

And I thought I was perfectly fine with that.

Until I had to send them a text…and didn’t know how to address them.

Have you ever been distressed because you don’t quite know where someone fits in your life anymore?

And now…I’m wondering and asking myself…am I really okay?

Is this really a happily ever after or am I just masking my hurt to try and fit into the narrative my mind has created of what the right, humane and just thing to do would be? Am I trying too hard to be strong, when I actually am not?

How do you know what to do or who you’re supposed to be in circumstances like these when you’re entire personality is made up of mismatched pieces of glass, remnants of the pieces of you that were shattered along the years by various incidents and traumas big and small?

How do I be a healthy person, when chaos is all I’ve come to know?

I have hope. So much hope. I want so much to be better. And so much for this to work. I know I can make it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just…a little lost at the moment. A little misguided. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me what stones to step on and which ones will make me slip into the abyss.

Alas…who’s that going to be?

[atth3bord3r]

Welcome home borders.

If I had to pick one element of living with BPD that absolutely drives me nuts (like gun to my head I CAN ONLY PICK ONE), it’s the overanalysing.

Gosh, can’t I just take something at face value for once?

Like I want someone to tell me something, or act in a certain way and I just understand it for what it is. I don’t want to go off on journeys to unexplored lands and create twisted plot lines about how that one word or action means that person hates me or is upset with me or wants me out of their lives!

Gosh!

Sometimes people want to say Hi and sometimes they want to say Hello!

Sometimes people want to be grammatically correct and add a full stop at the end of their text.

Sometimes people have nothing more to say and would rather react with an emoji then text you back.

Sometimes people will talk with less enthusiasm than usual because they’re tired.

NOT EVERYTHING MEANS THAT THE WORLD IS ENDING AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Sigh…

Can I get that through my think skull?

Is that possible? Is it?

[atth3bord3r]

Welcome home borders.

Anyone else gotten that motivational, power of the mind talk?

The one where you get told directly or indirectly that your depression, anxiety, overthinking (insert other side effect of co-diagnosis of BPD here) is all up to you and how much you dedicate yourself to changing it?

I mean, I don’t want to demotivate or take any of the merit/work away from us. Yes, a lot of it has to do with us picking ourselves up and telling ourselves we won’t be prisoners of our own thoughts.

It’s just…

Sometimes I really just feel like yelling:

THIS IS ME TRYING!

Getting up in the morning instead of turning off the alarm and pretending like I don’t have a job to do go to or bills to pay.

Showering, brushing my teeth, doing my hair, actually looking like a human being because maybe I can’t live off of pjs and smell like a three week old trash can.

Not lashing out, not pestering another individual every single time their expression changes a teeny tiny bit. Not asking if I’ve done something wrong, if they hate me, if they want me gone every five minutes. Not pouring my every insecurity or crying every time constructive criticism is given. Trying to actually be there for people when they need me despite the fact that I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.

THAT IS ME TRYING!

So seeing me falling asleep in moments I shouldn’t cause my anxiety got so bad I was literally overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion.

Seeing me get grumpy, or sad, or not want to speak.

Seeing me have moments, when I seem weak, or sensitive or naive or dependent.

Please…that’s not even the tip of the ice berg. That’s the tippy top of the tip.

Yet…that’s what’s going to get me lectured on how I’m letting myself go. Letting the disorder run my life. Letting my mind get the best of me.

If only they knew.

If only I weren’t too afraid to tell them.

[atth3bord3r]

Welcome home borders.

Today I woke up with tears in my eyes and a that soreness in my throat that told me I was trying to keep the river from flowing.

It’s one of those hard days when I ask myself if there’s really a point to being alive.

I was praying, as I tend to do each morning, seems to be about the only thing keeping me sane these days. And in a moment of utter despair, after my mind had come to terms with their being no tomorrow and I started grasping for words to say goodbye I asked God…do I really need to keep holding on?

It’s a question I ask basically every day. And everyday, He finds a way to answer me. Today was no different. This time it came in the form of my mother randomly sending me a motivational video that just said everything I needed to hear.

I don’t believe in coincidences, so that was as clear a message to me as it got.

So yeah, I’ll hold on. Cause maybe, you on the other side of this screen needed to read this message too to realise that you TOO need to hold on. Yeah it sucks. To wake up and feel like you’re about to face another battle against your mind and heart that no one is going to know about but you.

But you’re not alone.

I’m proof of that.

And right now, I’m thinking less about the battle and more about what I have to give. Because as much as it may hurt, I also know that there is no heart out there like mine. And there’s no heart out there like yours. The love you give, the ability to see when the smallest of things aren’t right, your ability to feel without limits. It’s one of a kind.

So screw it. What’s one more day if I get to say that someone smiled a little brighter or hugged a little tighter cause I stuck around?

I’m not alone. You’re not alone. We’re not alone. If you’re not religious, I’m here with you. If you are, trust that God sees you just as He saw me (and always sees me).

Celebrate each day that you say Yes to smiling through the struggle. Its your victory, so own it. 🫶🏽 Sending hugs and hoping you have a great rest of your day. 🫂🫶🏽

[atth3bord3r]

Welcome home borders

And boy am I glad to be home.

Not that I didn’t have a great weekend. I did. But it would have been better without the micro analysing and over compensating.

It was a weekend away with my FP and a person their uber close to.

From the get go I had a sinking feeling in my stomach…I knew that something wasn’t going to add up.

And it didn’t.

It was a beautiful weekend. But no one knew how I spent most of it comparing interactions, then shaking myself out off the comparisons, convincing myself it was all in mind, feeling guilty for not being able to not compare then trying to compensate for being an over horrible human being. And praying that none of my thoughts accidentally slipped and ruined everything for everyone.

Yep.

And now we’re home and I get a highlight reel of all the moments my brain thinks should have gone different but I know rationally didn’t have to.

Just hurting myself with make believe situations of being under appreciated, unloved and unwanted.

Sigh….

Well…a day in the life right?

We sleep, we wake up, we repeat. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

If you’ve read this far, WOW thanks for actually sticking around to my Log entry. I appreciate you. I hope you’re having a wonderful day, or will have (idk what time of day you’ll see this).

Chins up, we’re all big hearted beautiful humans. Here’s some hugs from someone who needs em. (Tight squeeeeezzzzeeeee) 🫂.

Okay bye now!

[atth3bord3r]

Welcome home borders.

I’m L (or at least that’s what I’ll be going by cause my name is yet another identity crisis’ and one of the many stories I will hopefully get to share with you all soon).

I like to have intros, something that announces, that sums up. That tells you we’re gonna talk for a little bit and this is who I am. I think that one sentence says it all.

Welcome home.

And thanks for meeting me at the border.

I don’t know what this blog will be, as with most things I start. At the moment, the today (more like the present) version of me is hoping this will be a place of open sharing. To exchange experiences, maybe rant a time or two, just find an outlet for all these emotions that are so muddled up inside that I physically feel trapped, unable to breathe, in pain…(insert inexplicable physical sensation here).

This is my little space to be me (the L of that moment that is, who ever she decides to be) as I go on a journey to heal and find me (the actual me, God willing, she actually exists).

I’m not sure who I’ll find along the way, but if you come across this post and need a virtual hug, a listening ear, a voice on the outside to distract you from the gremlin who’s listing how many times you “screwed up” five years ago, then..

Just cross that border,

My door is open.

Welcome home.

🫂🏡