assortednarutoheadcanons

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Naruto Modern AUs

Modern AUs of Naruto plague my brain.

Mafia? Every Clan is a mafia family and civilians are police. Uzumaki were destroyed via Gang War. The Sabaku siblings are part of a different mafia family based in another city. The Hokage is the DA of police/military.

High School? Rich kid school that only accept Naruto (orphan, has terrible grades) because his uber wealthy mother (again, Clans = Old Money) put it in her will. Her family founded Konoha High? You're going to deny that? Sakura's parents spend a lot of money to ensure she gets the best education and she's on a partial scholarship.

Similar thing with University aus that keep me up at night, although those are easier to handle. Personally.

Flower shop is exclusively the Yamanaka Clans. Sorry, I don't make the rules and it's usually tied in with the Mafia somehow.

Spies is a weird one where they're trying to prevent a number of issues but the information broker will always be Yamanaka Ino.

Idol/Actor/famous AU - bunch of Nepo Babies and Sakura.

etc, etc.

In every single one, the Yamanaka family knows everything. It's terrible and they are terrifying, but Shikamaru and Choji have just figured out how to roll with the punches.

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The way that a Yamanaka behaves seems rehearsed. Like something has possessed them and is controlling them like a puppet. They only slightly understand how to move. Their conversations are stilted. They walk too loudly. No matter their expression, they look off. It’s like staring at an alien or a strange imitation that only a demon would think passes as ‘normal’. You cannot invade their minds. Genjutsu is useless. They struggle with their bodies so the easiest way to kill them is to just go for the jugular.

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When using shadows, the Nara Clan looks atrophied. Shadows curl in their arms and their chest and their cheeks, giving them the look of a grotesque monster starving and as they stare at you with an ancient hunger, older than chakra or humans or bones or life itself trying to consume the world and revert it back into Something From Long Ago That Should Stay Dead and yet is commanded by a Genius. Their eyes are impossibly dark, shadows sucking all the light as they trap you in shadows that only existed under your bed or in your closet or at the Beginning Of Time.

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The Akimichi Clan’s bones are impossibly brittle. They break and snap, elongate and shrink on command. They worship the concept of Death. They do not dream of the afterlife or second life. This is your one life and so you must do everything and anything to make it okay so you have to break your bones and stretch your skin and muscles and destroy everything about yourself to keep living.

They do not live past 40.

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Ino will definitely kill someone with a crowbar. It's not a matter of how but when.

Asuma probably because Choji and Shikamaru are always down for murder.

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so what does konoha do when it comes to crimes within the village?

Keep reading

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"If Ino is a card game she would be the "cards against shinobi"

-Shikamaru Nara

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I have read that the archetype characters in naruto is consist of a jesus (naruto,jiraiya,obito), judas (sasuke, orochimaru, kakashi) and mary (sakura, tsunade, rin). But when it comes to Team Asuma the dynamics are different. Shikamaru is the Jesus archetype, Ino is the Judas archetype and Chouji is the Mary archetype (Because he is the true heart and strength of the team). And it is so intriguing.

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Did anyone else remember that the Hyuga Clan is descended from the Sage's brother who's stuck on the moon?

I just remember it while going through some Clan Headcanons and I'm like OH YEAH! The Hyuga Clan and Uchiha Clan aren't descendants of Indra who branched off and evolved differently.

This is CANON. Which is the wildest part of it all.

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Assorted #8

In Konohagakure, there are 3 types of Ninja. Clan, Civilian, and Civilian Clan Ninja.

Clan Ninjas are really rigid and have a lot of unspoken rules of propriety. They are extreme lightweights and can't drink coffee without Side Effects occurring. Typically (exceptions may apply) living with their families, they have very specific diets that won't cause any issues in the long run.

The Inuzuka Clan can't really eat vegetables. Shino nearly faints when he finds out that Kiba has never see lettuce because that's a huge staple of the Aburame Clan.

Civilian Ninja are 'rowdy' and 'rough'. They can generally eat everything safe for humans and live in either the civilian or ninja districts. They drink coffee, eat deep fried food, etc.. No Clan Ninjas can truly drink coffee or have whiskey, despite Kakashi desperate attempts when he was a chunin.

There are a few 'Civilian Clans' (Uzumaki, Lee, Sarutobi, Yamanaka) where they can eat normal food and drink coffee but they can't handle alcohol.

The exception to all these rules is the Akimichi Clan who can consume Anything with no side effects whatsoever. This includes rotten flesh, although they don't exactly like the flavours or taste.

P.S. I have Feelings about the Sarutobi Clan. None are really good.

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Assorted #7

The Senju clan is a bunch of polygamists. Hashirama and Tobirama (and the rest of their siblings) have three dads, two moms, and a lot of aunties and uncles.

Hashirama only marrying one (1) person is wild in his clan of but he's content with Mito and their three kids. He's probably considered asexual by the Clan.

Tobirama never marries but has like 5 other people he lives with in the Senju Clan Compound and they have orgies fairly often.

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If Sasuke didn't leave Konoha, he would drink Japanese Vodka like it's water.

me to my friend who doesn’t know anything about Naruto except that I really like Yamanaka Ino and like writing feral fics.

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Assorted #6

Minato has dimples. Kushina has freckles (like most redheads).

Naruto has dimples and freckles.

Ino has neither (the Yamanaka pride a smooth, unblemished face above all else and Ino Is Yamanaka Beauty Standard) but her children generally have dimples. So Inojin has dimples.

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Assorted #5

Inoichi is somehow known throughout his generation of ninja as both a prude and an absolute slut. The amount of people he’s had sex with numbers in the 3 digits but he rarely takes his clothes off for the deed itself.

A notable list of people Yamanaka Inoichi has fucked:

Uzumaki Kushina (happened on two missions and they’re just fuck buddies cus Inoichi can go all night and Minato Can Not)

Namikaze Minato (bachelor party. Ino was concieved that night)

Uchiha Fugaku and Mikoto at the same time

Hyuga Hizashi

A frankly ridiculous amount of enemy ninja he seduced.

Everyone in the Uchiha Clan

Inuzuka Tsume (her husband couldn’t satisfy her so she went to Inoichi who had no problems with the entire situation at all)

Kato Dan

A number of random one night stands with assorted ANBU members when he was an ANBU operative.

Akimichi Choza/Nara Shikaku (1st times and they were all wildly drunk)

Choza’s wife is not into it but Yoshino was fine with it.

Karatchi Yagura (the 4th Mizukage, guy before Terumi Mei? Yeah, him)

A

Rasa

Most of Kage actually got wrecked by Inoichi.

In conclusion, be pan, do crimes and maybe have everyone in the 5 great nations on speed dial because you fucked them because you have superior Top Energy in comparison to Literally Anyone Else In The World.

(Yes, the Yamanaka Clan are all Tops. They have to outsource reproduction anyways. Fight me.)

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Kankuro: Gaara, don't you have enough children now?

Gaara: What are you talking about? I only have-

Gaara:

Kankuro:

Gaara: How many nieces and nephews do you have now?

Kankuro: THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW TOO!

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Assorted #4

The Inuzuka Clan is actually very canine like. While Tsume comes across more wolfish, Kiba is much more like a fox. Hana is more like a domesticated dog.

The reason is because they used to be a barbarian, raiding Clan that would absorb other Clans and resources. They had the largest territory of the Clans during the Warring Era, bordering the Nara and Akimichi Clans’ territories (the Yamanakas lived up in the mountains).

The Nara and Inuzuka Clans are on extremely good terms. The Nara forest has a river that runs through it (it’s also the largest forest in the Five Great Nations’ map) that the allowed the Inuzuka Clan to ‘take over’. Really they were just there to maintain the land because the Nara are lazy bastards and can only care for so much land.

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Assorted #3

The Uzumaki Clan are the only clan in the five nations that has godparents. It’s very important within the Clan as it decides who will care for the child if the parents pass.

This is also the only reason Naruto is the only person with a godparent in Naruto. It’s because all the other clans just dump the orphan on someone because the kid will be raised by a ‘village’.