aprilmcahill

[aprilmcahill]

Another beautiful morning. I woke up this morning and felt so content. It was such an awesome feeling. I woke up, began to make my coffee, made my bed, and even stretched for 15 minutes before I drank my coffee. My body feels limber and calm. 

Why is it that we don’t always do the things that we know make us feel good? Doesn’t it seem like sometimes we would rather just feel bad than do the things that we know will make us feel good? For example, I know that practicing yoga & exercising daily makes my body feel & look good. But do I do it every day? Nope.

This is a new idea that I’m working with this year. If it makes me feel good to complete, I must go do it now when I’m thinking of it (obviously in safe situations). Also, if it takes less than five minutes to complete when I think about, I do it immediately. How many times have you looked at your full garbage  bin but have yet to take it out? It would only take five minutes, if not less. Even folding the laundry (this is a big one for me!). Once it’s out of the dryer, I force myself to fold it. It only takes five to ten minutes to complete and I feel so much better that it’s done. 

One time a day for the next seven days, I challenge you to do one thing a day that makes you feel happiness. Pet the dog, paint a picture, do a puzzle, go for a walk. One thing a day that brings you true happiness. Doing this you can literally train yourself to feel happiness. You can train yourself to feel happiness or you can trian yourself to feel disappointment and anger. It’s all up to you. The more time you spend in a positive mood, the more you will be in a positive mood naturally. 

Happy Monday friends. I hope this helps you have an awesome week. 

[aprilmcahill]

Anxious to Calm

Two years ago, I was standing in front of my mirror. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I screamed at myself in the mirror- 

Why cant I ever do anything right? I am ugly, I am stupid. I am unloved. I fucking suck.

Today, I sit here calmly with my cat, Mimosa, in my lap. It is such a feeling of happiness and satisfaction when you watch your life change in front of your eyes. It is amazing what calm and clarity brings into my life. It’s amazing to me how not having reactions can have a great impact than having a massive reaction. I am so thankful this morning for taking the steps a few years ago to make the transition from anxious to calm.

It was not an easy transition to say the least. Unlearning years of limiting beliefs about myself and the world around me took a lot of mental discipline. It’s paying attention to the thoughts you’re thinking and catching yourself thinking a thought that is not serving you in a way that feels good. I researched and researched, scoured Youtube and Google in search of ways that would help ease my overactive, negative mind. 

One day I stumbled across a TED Talk by Mel Robbins titled “how to stop screwing yourself over”. If you needed a sign to go watch it, this is it. Go watch it. Listen to it. Implement it. Your life, your career, your relationships, everything will change drastically. 

Every time I’d hear myself think a negative thought or something that wasn’t serving me to think about I’d count down from 5 in my head and immediately think another thought that would serve me in that moment. Whether that be I’m finding something to be thankful for or reassuring myself that I am worthy and I am enough. Was it hard? Holy fuck yes. Especially in the beginning when I realized how many times a day I was thinking thoughts that were not helping me move forward in my life whatsoever 

But every day got easier. Every day there were less “you’re not good enough” thoughts. Less “no one will ever love you, you POS” thoughts. Working at it every day for 2 years. Today I can finally look myself in the mirror without tears running down my face and tell myself I love myself, I am proud of who I am, I am beautiful, I am worthy. 

Sometimes we have people in our life that project their limiting beliefs of themselves onto us, especially as children. Unfortunately, we grow up with these beliefs about ourselves and the world because we learn what we observe. As adults, it is your choice to continue to feel that way or change it. I refuse to spend my existence on Earth being miserable- I am finding love and happiness and contentment. I am manifesting my life and my career and I am in control of how I feel about myself.

Look in the mirror today. Tell yourself you love yourself. Begin to catch your limiting thoughts. Ask yourself, “is this thought serving me?”. If the answer is no, think about something to be thankful for. If the answer is yes, expand on that thought.

I hope you have an awesome day. You’ve got this. 

[aprilmcahill]

Dear inner child,

I am sorry that you are so sad. I am sorry you are broken. I am sorry that you weren’t taught that other’s not being able to see your worthiness, does not mean you are not worthy. I am sorry that our dad drinks and yells things at you that no one should ever speak to anyone, let alone a little kid. You were just trying to help. I know. You were just trying to help him do something and to him you “screwed the whole thing up”. But you didn’t. You were trying and if he knew anything, he would know that you gave it your best. You had never tried something before and he scolded you, screamed at you, threw things at you when you got them wrong. I am sorry he did that. You didn’t deserve that.

I am sorry that our mom isn't around as much. I’m sorry that you blame yourself for their divorce. Mom did what she thought was right for herself and for you and your brother- she had no way of knowing the path that Dad would go down when she left. Mom was doing everything she could to save what little relationship you and your brother had with him, she never knew he was going to do the stupid things he did. 

I’m sorry that you had to play Santa for your younger brother. Mom had to work and although you were under 9, Mom told you about Santa’s inexistence to protect what little innocence your brother had left. You made that Christmas extra magical- remember when you cut out snowflakes from coffee filters and placed them all over the house so Mom would have a Christmas surprise when she got home? Remember  when your brother was sad that Dad had abandoned us and Mom was working that night, so you got out your grandmother’s china and made him his favorite dinner? 

I know there were so many hurt times. I know the day you walked into your dad’s house and saw the Christmas tree already decorated from your dad and his “replacement family” that your heart literally shattered into thousand of pieces. I can clearly relive that day because it was so heartbreaking for you, it burns in my memory. I know how much it hurt you to realize that he had chosen another family over you and your brother.

I know there were so many traumatic times. I know you are so hurt. Every day we are healing.  Every day is going to get better. His inability to see our worth does not mean we are not worthy- it is the opposite. His words and actions reflect who he is, not who we are. You are so many wonderful things. 

You are funny. You are smart. You are creative. You’re great at describing things with words. You are great at math. You always want to learn something new. You are a leader. You are fun to be around, you are usually very outgoing. You have so many amazing qualities about you. It’s time that we begin to tap into those and release what has already been said and done. 

We must have faith that the universe has so much more in store for us then we know. Faith is what will get us through- knowing that all this bullshit that we have dealt with, well it is over. It is time to live life on our terms. Without fear. Without hesitation. It is time to be unapologetically me.

[aprilmcahill]

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[aprilmcahill]

Morning Thoughts 4/15

You cannot control anyone. Their actions, their words, their emotions, they all belong to them. They are the only one capable of changing their perspective and doing the inner work necessary to change. You have zero control over others and how they perceive things from where they’re at.

This is something that I am still learning to understand- that I cannot change others. I cannot make them see where their errors are in my eyes because in theirs they have done everything right. A year ago, a month ago even, I would’ve sat and allowed feelings of anger, frustration, and ego to take control when someone wasn’t seeing them from my point of view (I’m still learning- sometimes it still happens with those I am closest with). I would kick, yell, and scream “HOW? WHY? How can you not see what you’re doing/feeling/saying is WRONG?!” 

And that is because my friends, to them they are right. Humans have delicate, sensitive egos that need to feel in the right. Admitting that you are wrong can literally cause heart palpations. Unless you’re willing to look at events from an objective point of view, it will always hurt and feel nearly shameful to be seen as wrong. 

So why bother having the emotional reaction at all? I could allow a simple text message with unkind words derail my emotions and cause a scene. I could argue, scream, and use logical reasons (in my eyes) to try to convince another that I am right... but why bother? Why waste my precious energy on something that I cannot change? I cannot change another person’s thoughts or beliefs. But I can control how I respond. I can control the energy I give to the situation- I can choose to give more and give none. 

I choose to give none. I choose to allow that persons energy and thoughts to be theirs only. I choose to believe that source/God/The Universe whatever you believe, has greater things in mind. I choose to believe that everything is always working out for me and that if someone doesn’t see the situation as I do right now, well maybe there is a greater reason. Maybe they are on their own journey and my reaction will show them that there are other options than the reaction they are choosing. I am choosing to have faith in the unknown and know that source always has a greater plan.

Stay in your lane friends. Blinders on. Allow everyone else to say and do what they choose to in their cars. You choose what you’re going to do in yours. 

[aprilmcahill]

The Universe Serves What You Think You Deserve

Wow. I am witnessing the fruition of my vortex as I type this. Yesterday I fully surrendered to source, God, whatever you want to call the energy that flows through us. I surrendered. I am learning how to release the yearning for control of every moment of my life. I am allowing source to surprise and delight me throughout my day rather than projecting  my emotions forward and causing an energy wave that close me off from receiving what source wants me to know and hear. I feel so connected today. I woke up and felt a sense of satisfaction- satisfaction that I woke up today. Satisfaction that I woke up, getting kissed by the man that I love so damn much. Satisfaction that there was coffee, just waiting for me to brew it. Satisfaction in knowing that everything is going to work out just right, it always does. We always end up making it work. Satisfaction that I don’t have to control anything- source has my back. Source knows what I want, source knows when it is coming and the best possible avenue for it to come to me, and there is so much satisfaction in knowing that. Knowing I don’t have to control anything and that life can surprise and delight me in ways that I am just not aware of yet. Oh, It is going to be a wonderful day today. Tuesday April 14th is going to be a really good day! 

You see, we can’t control the thoughts, the emotions, the energy of others. We can’t control another’s reaction or if they are in the place of receiving what you’re offering, but we can control ourselves. We can breathe. We can listen to our source and only control our emotions and our thoughts. I am still learning that not everyone is out to judge me and find fault in what I do, and if they are that is something in their energy that is causing that, it has nothing to do with me. Someone finding fault in you does not mean that you are wrong. If someone is always looking for fault, they will always find it. Just as when you look for things to be thankful for and feel happy about, you will always find it. Do not allow the thoughts, reactions, and emotions of others to hinder you. You are a powerful, beautiful, strong, valuable, and worthy human being (or alien). Believe it. Breathe it. Live it.

“The Universe Serves What You Think You Deserve”.

[aprilmcahill]

Today’s Thoughts

I woke up this morning feeling rejuvenated. I feel alive today. I am relaxing into the day that is ahead of me, knowing that source has a delightful and fun day planned for me, filled with people, places, and things that I may or may not know exist. I am leaving my day up to source today.

So many days, so much of the time, I feel that I am trying to control the situation. Sometimes it is subconsciously. I’ll feel this overwhelming anxiety creep up through my body when my brain realizes there is danger of criticism and defeat. I am learning how to breathe through this anxious feelings and allow them to pass. I am choosing to give up the control I must feel over my life.

Don’t we constantly feel that life is just happening to us? It can seem almost too simple that what we think about controls the world around us. It sounds far fetched, like a fantasy. The truth is that what we think about we bring about, what we believe we deserve the universe will serve. If as humans we are believing that we are not worthy, not beautiful, not this or that, this or that islet’ what will continue to appear in our lives- whereas if we choose to look ourselves in the eye when we are standing in the mirror and tell ourselves

I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am intelligent, I am important, I am here to fulfil a greater purpose

our bodies, our minds, our souls would fill up with so much love and regardless of the circumstances around us, we would feel better. Maybe feeling better doesn’t sound like much to you- maybe you’re wanting so much more out of your life than feeling better, but let’s dive in. 

You want that Mercedes. You dream of building your giant, beautiful home. You want that promotion where you can make more money so you can afford those finer things. The ball games, the shopping trips, the traveling, all the glamour that comes with being financially stable and free. 

What happens when you get all that and feel unfulfilled? You see, we want everything materialistic because we believe that it going to make us feel a specific way. That Mercedes is going to make you cool, that big dream house is going to make you feel accomplished, the shopping trips you get to take will fill that gap in your heart from the years of ignoring the emotions inside you... Hahaaaaa sorry to tell you, but you'll always feel that unless you do the inner work. 

Control your life in the words you say to yourself and others. If you are constantly speaking bad things to yourself, what do you expect to happen? Constantly telling yourself and others 

“My body hurts” “this person is always mean to me” “car accidents always happen to me” “this is just the way I am” 

is not going to make a damn thing better. In fact, you’ll continue to live that shitty life cycle. It’ll keep looping around, throwing you into a constant state of agitation and hopelessness. 

Change your thoughts, change the world around you. 

[aprilmcahill]

04/11

The words “not good enough” have been running through my mind since the moment I woke up this morning. I went to bed allowing myself to feel inadequate so it’ s not surprise I woke up with the same energy.

But I am here writing this now, to remind myself that I am enough. I am worthy of all of the things that I want in this life. I am here to be there for myself and be my own best friend. I am here to remind myself that just because someone else does not see my worth, does not mean it does not exist. I am reminding myself that I am still learning. I am still learning how to control my thoughts, still learning how to allow energy to move through me. I am still learning that I am worthy all of the time, not just some of it. I am learning that I am allowed to relax into my life. I am learning that life is meant to be fun and easy and freeing. The negative emotions we attach to life are just that- emotions we attach. If we allow ourselves to breathe and let go, life will be flowing and freeing. I do not have to work every waking second, check my phone every two to three minutes to see if someone has placed an order, joined my business, or even just sent me a message. I have faith that the universe has all of the right people, in all of the right places, at all of the right times for me. I have faith that everything is always working out for me. Source knows that I am worthy and that I am more than enough for anything that I could possibly want. I am loved and I am believed in. There are many other beings on this Earth that are in alignment with who they are and in turn in alignment with me- these are the people that will come to me without effort. 

I have faith in the universe and that the universe has an amazing, delightful plan that even I cannot see yet. I have faith that my life is about to be even more amazing than I ever thought possible. Thank you for this time to be with myself and to remind myself that I am not my thoughts, I am not my dad, I am not the things that other people have said. I am me. I am enough. I am worthy and beautiful and enough.

[aprilmcahill]

04/10

Things are seeming so uncertain right now. Everyone around me seems to be indulging in the chaos while I am breathing to remain calm. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning when I go out in public. All of the tension and unhealthy energy that surrounds certain people seeps off of them like a foul odor. Going out in public for this empath is getting harder. 

I am still learning how to protect my energy. I want to take more time out of my day to meditate, visualize, and sit quietly. During my work day, while the baby napped, I would read, meditate, visualize the life that I want. For what ever reason I find less motivation to do that while being in my own home. 

Isn’t it funny how the things we enjoy the most can be the hardest to do? I love to meditate and I enjoy the feelings it brings up for me, usually. I love the feeling of releasing outdated beliefs, the feeling of exhilaration with no resistance. I love hearing source call & show me what my vortex holds. I enjoy the freeness of meditating.

So why is it so hard for my brain to turn off the thinking and allow myself to just be? This is why I enjoy being up early in the morning. The world is still at peace, still calm, and collected at 445am, when most are still sound asleep.

I am still learning how to allow source control of my day. As a child I felt that I had zero control of how my life went so as an adult, I want to control everything around me. I realized a few years ago I was living very conditionally- only being happy when others would do as I said, acted as I felt was appropriate, and said things that I wanted to hear. I felt no real happiness within myself- I didn’t know at the time how to look within in me and look around my life to find the happiness that was there the whole time. 

The last year or so, I’ve been much more in tuned with my empathic powers & human powers. I realize that we are in total control of our life and how we control what we see is through our thoughts, words, and actions. Changing your life begins with changing your thinking. Believing in the fact that you CAN change is where it all starts. Speaking in terms of what you do want. Acting as you want yourself to act.

For me, I have big goals in my online business. When I wake up in the morning, when I visualize the life I want, I think of my highest self. I think of the BEST version of me. I see in my mind how I move throughout my day, I watch myself speak & visualize myself handling situations in a different way that is enjoyable for myself and the other parties involved. I visualize how I speak to my coworkers, to my partners, to my husband, to my friends. I visualize myself walking through my dream house, out to our garage with my dream car parked there. I imagine getting in the car, smelling the leather, feeling the warmness under my booty (yall KNOW that my dream car has seat warmers! New England winters yall!!!!). I envision myself jamming out, going to where it is I am looking to go. Visualize a beautiful life, live a beautiful life. 

Sometimes when I begin to feel myself slipping into a darker feeling, I take out a pen and paper, or a computer, and write out my dream life. Write out exactly how I want my life to look, how I want to feel, how I want others to treat me, how I want to treat others. I write out the trips we take to Ireland, Greece, Bora Bora. I write about the excursions we will take and who will be with me. I put in every detail I possible can- where focus goes energy flows. Put your energy into your dream life. Put your thoughts in alignment with that life, with that person that you want to be. Put your thoughts, your actions, and the words you speak to others, get that in alignment with your highest good, your biggest dream and watch your life unfold in ways that you never imagined. 

[aprilmcahill]

04/09

My ideal self. 

My ideal self is calm and patient. 

My ideal self is caring and kind. 

My ideal self has a sense of humor.

My ideal self doesn’t give a fuck what other people think about her.

My ideal self loves to read.

My ideal self breathes deeply when anger strikes. 

My ideal self thinks before she speaks.

My ideal self lives in the present moment.

My ideal self is a consistent leader.

My ideal self listens intently to others.

My ideal self nourishes her body.

My ideal self is healthy.

My ideal self accepts that emotions are energy & that when I control my emotions I control my world.

My ideal self has courage.

My ideal self speaks her mind freely.

My ideal self has lots of money in her bank account.

My ideal self loves to spread positivity and hope throughout the world.

My ideal self goes to sleep early and wakes up early.

My ideal self gets shit done.

My ideal self takes action.

My ideal self learns.

My ideal self loves unconditionally.

My ideal self understands that others emotions are OTHERS emotions.

My ideal self has control of her empath powers.

My ideal self dresses in a way that feels good to her.

My ideal self expresses herself in ways that feel good to her. 

My ideal self follows my sources impulses.

My ideal self recognizes that source always has my best interest in mind.

My ideal self knows that I am a powerful manifester.

My ideal self knows that I can be, do, or have anything I desire as long as I show appreciation for it in the now. 

My ideal self connects with animals on a deeper level.

My ideal self is vulnerable with her spouse. 

My ideal self is sensual, sexual, and feisty. 

My ideal self is confident in her body/

My ideal self is confident in her abilities.

My ideal self is go getter. 

My ideal self meditates. 

My ideal self allows people, places, and events to be created and received before acting upon any ideas.

My ideal self finds the good out of every situation.

My ideal self asks myself “what is this teaching me” when things don't go exactly how she pictured it.

My ideal self feels and expresses appreciation for life.

[aprilmcahill]

04/08

I love waking up early in the morning. 4-445am. The whole world is quieter. Most people are still asleep, allowing their energy to relax. Sleeping, forgetting about the chaos that is going on outside of their dreamland. Sleep is such a wonderful and peaceful experience. 

Once 7am hits, it’s like to whole world’s energy just shifts. I can feel the anxiety begin to creep up in everyone’s minds. I feel quiet, calm, clarity. Until the world awakens. Until the world begins to forget about their peaceful night of sleep & remembers all the dreadful things that appear to be happening to them. 

It’s almost sad to me too see the people that are walking around this Earth believing that life is just happening to them instead of recognizing the power that is within them. We choose what we want our brains to see. What you focus on you will continue to see. Focus on how much you enjoy seeing old cars, watch as new old cars you’ve never seen before show up in your existence. Focus on the lack of health, the disease, & fear, watch as those things manifest into your life. 

How quickly could this world turn around if every individual choose to think only of health and wellbeing? How would waking up each day & our first thoughts as a collective world was “thank you for my health and my wellbeing”? 

Even on a smaller scale. The waves of good feeling emotions that run through your body when you show thankfulness is enough energy to create so much more things to be thankful for in each persons life. Focusing on these thankful things is what leads us to happiness. Contentment is not found in the future or in the past- it is found only in the moment. Taking just two minutes out of your day to find things to be thankful for will build up the momentum of energy enough to where you will see things for you to be thankful for manifest so quickly that you would never believe it if I hadn’t told you. 

Wake up. Be thankful. Recognize that what you focus on shows up in your life. Focus on the good- focus on the fact that you CAN pay your bills, on the fact that you ARE healthy, that things are always working out for you. And watch your life unfold in ways that you never thought were possible. 

[aprilmcahill]

April 7, 2020 Today I Will

Today I will be a success. Today I will be calm. Today I will feel contentment. Today I will feel satisfaction. Today I will not rush. Today I will listen to my impulses. Today I will be keenly aware of how I am feeling. Today I will take moments during the day to take a deep breath and ask myself how am I feeling? What do I need right now? How does my body feel? 

Today I will take a breath before I answer a question or respond to someone. Today I will do something to move my body in a way that feels good to me. Today, no matter what I do, I will feel proud of what I accomplished. Today I will focus more on taking action than being passive. Today I will put my phone down and pick up a book. Today I will trade coffee for water. Today I will smoke less. Today I will meditate. Today I will eat nourishing foods. Today I will be aware of what I am putting into my body. Today, when I go to eat something, I will ask myself- would I feed this to my inner child? Today I will go live on facebook and have a wonderful time. Today I will have a thriving business. Today I will connect with new and fun people. Today, I will do something kind for someone else. Today I will create a plan. Today I will focus on the things that I want to manifest in my life. Today I will focus on the feelings that I want to experience throughout my life. Today I will breath in fresh air. Today I will go for a walk. Today I will enjoy the sunrise and the sunset. Today I will enjoy nature. Today I will learn something new. Today I will meet kind and fun people. Today I will cuddle with my cat, Momo. Today I will remind Jeff that I love him. Today I will get dressed. Today I will make the bed. Today I will listen to a podcast. Today I will enjoy who I am. Today I will practice talking to myself in a kind and loving way. Today I will clothe my body in clothes that are comfortable and make me feel good. Today I will do things that bring me joy. 

Today I Will.

[aprilmcahill]

April 6, 2020: What is my metric for success?

My metric for success-

-a strong, stable relationship with someone who respects me & aligns me with the whole of who I am. 

-financial stability 

-a career that empowers others & brings me joy

-teaching others something of value

-achieving exclusive status in my company

-owning a Cadillac SUV

-earning a college degree

-seeing others become successful in their own way

-bringing home $100,000+ a year.

-shopping for outfits, shoes, & home décor when I choose to.

-working from my home a majority of the time

-coaching others

-being my authentic self

-moving my body daily in a way that feels good to me

-showing appreciation for others through gifts

-being charitable

-ability to be release financial burden from others (i.e. pay for someone’s meal at a restaurant unexpectedly, pay off Target/Walmart layaway for Christmas, etc)

-building my dementia village

-orders being placed on my website hourly

-strong and ambitious women joining my company daily 

-having $50,000 in my saving account

-800 Credit Score

-zero money owned for student loans & credit cards

-paying for upgrades on our home

-traveling to Bora Bora/traveling outside the country 3x a year

-growing a large social media following (20,000+)

-waking up when I choose to

-spending my day how I choose to

-meditating every day

-learning something new daily

-reading 2 to 4 new books a month. 

-sending monetary relief to my family

[aprilmcahill]

April 3, 2020 What I am Thankful For Now

I am thankful for waking up today.

I am thankful that I woke up next to my soulmate. 

I am thankful that he kissed me goodbye this morning.

I am thankful that he reminded me that he loves me before he left.

I am thankful for my favorite coffee mug.

I am thankful for my cup of hot coffee.

I am thankful for my breakfast that nourishes me. 

I am thankful for the food in my fridge and pantry.

I am thankful for my cat, Mimosa, who brings me happiness and laughter throughout the day.

I am thankful for our beautiful home.

I am thankful for my crockpot. 

I am thankful for our bed to sleep in. 

I am thankful for time to myself.

I am thankful for my health. 

I am thankful for the books I have to read and have read..

I am thankful for the knowledge I’ve gained.

I am thankful for the device I am typing this on.

I am thankful for my business.

I am thankful for my business flourishing.

I am thankful for my customers.

I am thankful for my dear friends.

I am thankful the people I am going to meet. 

I am thankful for my teachers that taught me so much.

I am thankful for the beautiful music that surrounds me.

I am thankful for my car that gets me from point A to point B safely.

I am thankful for the healthcare workers who are taking care of elderly and sick.

I am thankful for my job that allows me to be on time for my payments.

I am thankful for the money in my back account.

I am thankful for the money that is on it’s way to me. 

I am thankful that people are healing.

I am thankful for the warm sunshine on my face.

I am thankful for the soft summer breezes that are on it’s way to me.

I am thankful for the country that I live in. 

I am thankful for my weed.

I am thankful for my 1,000 piece puzzles.

I am thankful for my paint by numbers.

I am thankful for Tumblr and this creative outlet.

I am thankful for my dark brown eyes that see clearly.

I am thankful for my hands that can easily type.

I am thankful for my feet that allow me to walk. 

I am thankful for my belly that nourishes my body through food.

I am thankful for my curves.

I am thankful that I am in control of my body.

I am thankful that my body is unlike anyone elses.

I am thankful for my body.

I am thankful for the compassion I have for others.

I am thankful that I am brave enough to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I am thankful that I am an emotional being.

I am thankful for the way I am able to express emotion.

I am thankful for my sense of empathy towards others.

I am thankful for my witty sense of humor.

I am thankful for me.

[aprilmcahill]

April 2, 2020: Where is my home?

The word home can be interpreted so many different ways. It can refer to a specific place, a person, or a feeling of belonging.

"Home” was not a destination for me. None of the houses I lived in growing up gave me that warm, fuzzy feeling of home. My parents divorce when I was young caused me great confusion on what home was supposed to be. One of my earliest memories is of my mother & father arguing in our kitchen over her leaving. Why would my mom want to leave our home?

Once the divorce was settled & we began to adjust to our new life as a separated family, I lost all sense of belonging and security. My father became a whole new person and so did my mom. Between both parents, my brother and I moved 13 times (luckily for us, it was in the same area. Both parents wanted us to stay at the same school, so we were blessed in that aspect). 

Through all those houses and apartments that I lived in, not one ever felt like home. Home was a place that I thought you could walk into and feel the love pouring out. I thought your home was filled with people who wanted to hear about your day, comfort you when you’re hurting, people were happy to see you when you walked through the door.

Now, my parents were in no way physically abusive. Mentally, yes. Emotionally, yes. My father spent more time with whores & booze than he cared to spend with us (eventually choosing that lifestyle, but we won’t discuss that now). My mother worked like a motherfucker. She worked 80+ hours a week as a single mom, getting 0 in child support, taking care of a home and two kids. The woman was burnt out, exhausted, and in her own way didn’t feel a sense of purpose or belonging. Who was she to blame for that? I remember Christmas when I was 9  or 10- she had to work Christmas Eve into half the day Christmas day & I was going to be home with my younger brother. She had showed me where the Christmas presents were & it was my job to stuff the stockings and put out the gifts when my brother fell asleep (this sounds sad, but to be honest it was one of the best holidays I ever had with my little brother). 

My mother wasn’t trying to be mean- she had no idea the impact her words and actions would have on me. She has no idea about the fact that I walked into our home so many times wanting and needing her to be there to comfort me, hold me, laugh with me, and cry with me. Every time I went to her, she was too exhausted and typically turned into a lecture when I just wanted to be understood. 

To be completely honest, I didn't find my sense of home until I met my boyfriend, Jeff. We’ve been together for a little over three years now. You’d think I found my sense of home when we moved into our first house together- but it was actually when I moved in with him in his dad’s basement. 

Starting out our relationship, we were like any other couple. Always wanting to be together. Four months into our relationship, Jeff went to his dad and asked if I could move in with them. Thankfully, his dad said yes. 

Initially, it was awkward. I mean moving in with your boyfriend and his dad is going to be right? But after a few weeks, I realized that I was feeling happy on my way home. I was excited to walk in and see Jeff there, happy to see me. It was so refreshing to walk into a house and have someone genuinely want to talk to me. Know about me, my day, my choices, my food. We would have dinner together- me, Jeff, and his dad. We would talk about our day & the funny cartoons in the paper. It was family dinner that I had never been apart of.

I learned the value of the word “home” during the years we spent living with Jeff’s dad. I learned that home is more than a place you live- it is a feeling that you get when you’re surrounded by people that love & care about you. It’s a feeling of belonging, of trust, of security, and stability. 

Now that we live in a house of our own, I have made it my intention that every person who walks through my door feels that they belong here. Every person knows that being here means they are cared about. I am here to love and comfort anyone I welcome into my home. A sense of “home” has been one of the greatest blessings I’ve been given this year.

[aprilmcahill]

April 1, 2020- My Biggest Dream

I am a dreamer at heart. I believe that big things are possible as long as we remain focused- focused on the good, on the action that can be taken to pursue those dreams, on the pre-manifestions, on the signs the universe is giving us, and most importantly, our own emotions. 

I’ve got several dreams- I prefer to call them goals. The most hefty one, the one that outweighs the rest is one that not many of my family & friends know about or could even guess. Most would say if you asked them that my biggest goal is to work from home0 which is partly true. My goal is to grow my online business into a residual income free up more of my time along with help others achieve the same. But that is not my end all, be all. 

My end all be all, may surprise everyone- 

I want to own and operate a village for people living with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.

Now let’s get into the background because everyone is probably going

Where the fuck did that come from?

So here’s the backstory-

Three years ago I began working as an activity assistant at a local memory care community and immediately fell in love with it. I had such a wonderful, fun time planning and implementing activities & field trips for the people that I ended up loving so dearly. We danced often, we cried a lot (dementia SUCKS dude), we gardened, we hugged, we went for walks together, to the play, sang songs, and so much more. The residents at that memory care community touched my heart in more ways than one and every single one was grieved when I lost them (this was the hardest part for me, as I’m sure it would be for anyone).

As much as I loved the memory care community we were in, I noticed how so mnay of these people felt trapped. Although their brains couldn't remember where they were, they knew they had been seeing the same walls for a long time. I began researching how I could make my residents more comfortable & what other resources were out there. That’s when I discovered the Dementia Village in the Netherlands (they’ve sense sprang up around CA, too). 

This was a literal village- surrounded by walls that were hid with trees. Residents have their own home within the village, each has their own personal care attendants. Within the village there is a supermarket, a post office, a doctors office, a restaturant, a movie theatre, and more. A place for people living with dementia to feel safe, to feel secure, to feel like they’re still apart of a community & maintaining their independence. 

Did you know someone living with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia have a lifespan of 15 to 20 years? 

I’ve thought so much of this. I’ve dreamed of what the village will be named and how we will maintain the walkways in the winter. I’ve envisioned the people & families that will be impacted & the type of people I want to work there- kind, compassionate, and understanding. I pray that someday I will manifest this dream & leave something so impactful for generations to come. 

[aprilmcahill]

What This Is

Hey Tumblr!

I don’t actually know if anyone will ever read this content or even see it, but if you’re here reading this, thanks for being here! I’m creating this page to use as an outlet for my creative writing and journaling. I am a 25 year old, newly discovered empath, just learning how to manifest my dream life!

This page will be filled with my journey to getting to know myself. I am dedicated to writing once a day. I want to rediscover my passions, acknowledge my pain & weaknesses, grow from them, & truly get to know the essence of who I am.

My name is April & I live in a small town in New Hampshire, USA (like really, freakin small & I LOVE IT). I nanny a one year old part time & run an online makeup business. My boyfriend of three years, Jeff, and I bought a home together this year and we are currently in the process of renovating it! We have a cat named Mimosa (or Momo, Momosita, Momoski, we have a million nicknames for her) who is FIESTY AS HELL & we love her dearly!

As far as writing goes, I took every. single. writing. class. I could possible take during my high school years. I took a few during my extremely brief time at a local community college (I’ll admit it- I’ve got a lady boner for writing essays). During high school I found a passion for writing. I am able to truly tune into who I am during my time writing and discover things about myself that I hadn’t realized before. And ya know what they say- awareness is power! 

So all in all, I can’t say that my writing is absolutely amazing or that everyone will relate to everything I write or say or that anyone will even read it! I’m determined to fire up that passion that I have for writing and discovering myself again this year so here I am. 25 year old, empath on Tumblr, just looking to write!