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When they first arrived in the city, they were in awe of all they saw. Tall buildings. Miles of shops. Such crowds of people. There was nothing to match these sights out on the prairie. Nothing.
But on the third day, the triplets saw something beyond unique. They were in the business district marveling at another shiny building when out of the lobby waltzed their doppelgängers. That’s right. The doubles of triplets. So really you could say they saw their sextuplegängers. Which is what they did say. “Our sextuplegängers!” Though no one bothered to check their math.
Of course, after that the only thing that could happen did: high jinks ensued.
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An off-season* haiku
Summer advice: When Th’ sun beats down like a tyrant, Suck on a hydrant.
*unless you live in the Southern Hemisphere or in the tropics; in those cases, this would be on-point for the season, amirite?
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Argh! I can’t stand those guys. Riding around like they own the road and the sidewalk and the dirt paths and the grass paths. Is there anywhere safe when a bicyclist is around? Smug two-wheelers.
Ding-Ding! On your left!
On YOUR left, your highness. It’s called a side-WALK not a side-BICYCLE.
But I’m saving the planet.
And pedestrians are ruining it? Ride in the road, Mr. Knievel.
But a car might hit me!
And you’ve already hit me. Put on a helmet and hit the road, Lance. One of these days, I swear...
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“Professor! Professor! You haven't yet answered the question.”
“On the contrary, my good man. I merely reminded the class that the question had already been answered quite eloquently a thousand years ago by the mystics of the Delmarva Mountains. Look, put simply, we must remember that the history of our noble species began not with a chicken or an egg, but rather an idea that sprang from the hunger-addled mind of the Great Fox: what could He have for breakfast? And how can we satisfy the Holy Hunger? With both chicken and egg, of course.
“Now reflect not on questions that have already been answered. Instead, let us focus on more pressing issues, such as how do we reclaim Easter from the larcenous bunny?”
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Oh I can’t believe my luck. Wowie-wow-wow. You could knock me over with a feather right now. THE Darren Bronkleburns. Mr. Fabulous himself. Ventriloquizing through my mouth like we’re a classic pair. Like he’s Señor Wences and I’m Pedro in the box. ‘S-allright to the extreme.
If mother could see me now, I know just what she’d say. First she’d tell me how proud she is. Then she’d remind me that I’m the first sock from our drawer to make it to the Game.
And I don’t think anyone I came up with would have guessed that I would be here today. “Cat puppet?!” they used to laugh. “What if you get a hairball?” Well so far I’ve had zero hairballs and my lip-synching has been spot on. Of course it has. With Darren freaking Bronkleburns at the helm, the sky’s the limit.
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Today's inspirational email prompted me to make a list of everything I've dreamed about since I was a pup. Eventually I did manage to write down some actual long-term goals: learn to swim, catch a squirrel, rescue Timmy from that well. But first, I didn’t take the task too seriously. I literally wrote a dream I had shortly after I was weaned.
I can hardly believe it myself, but this visualization stuff is the real deal. Not half an hour after I put down my pen, I was sitting in the grass enjoying the sunshine. A pair of squeaky wheels woke me from my reverie. I blinked my eyes and watched as a 5-foot tall hot dog rode by on a scooter. No joke. He scooted right past me!
I launched myself at him and then snapped back to the ground. Remembering my training, I shrugged my shoulders and twisted my head until the collar and leash fell off. Then I gave chase.
The hot dog was well down the block, but my little legs are deceptively fast. I closed the gap in mere seconds and landed high up on his back.
“Yow!” he screamed. My teeth sank deep into his soft baked bun, but the look on his face was not of pain, shock, or fear. He looked... resigned.
The hot dog tore me off his back and stared at me for a while. Finally he said, “my horoscope email today just said ‘don’t go outside.’ Who-da thunk? These horoscopes are the real deal.”
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When jungles and grasslands dominated the landscape, before rules were etched in stone, the wild creatures celebrated life... with a game of death. Well not really death, more like banishment. Yes, banishment. A game of banishment. Which is still much more dramatic than what actually happened, but you get the idea.
The largest of each species were pitted against each other. The winner would become king. The loser would go home with some nice prizes too. Into a great ring, the fighters would stomp. The audience would hold their breath. The referee would whistle through his snout. Two highly trained dinosaurs would race toward each other slamming their massive bellies, vying to push the other out of the ring. Thus a proud tradition was born.
SUMO! The very first sport.
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Yup. Another fine day. Perfect for taming the morning waves, for playing with the porpoises, for saying yo to the starfishes. Days don’t get much better than this. Surfing is truly the only way for civilized fruits to start the day. Without it, we’d be useless. No better than guacamole at happy hour: still popular and tasty, but ultimately un(ful)filling. But slide onto a board in the a.m., switch off the brain, and surrender to ol’ Salty? You come to shore feeling like you just got picked from the tree.
So tomorrow morning, join me. Wax your board. Stretch from stems to limbs. Taste the sand. Do these, my friend, and you’ll be ready for anything this world throws at ya.
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So I says to Terry I says, ‘No. We’ve been cooped up inside for so long today. Let's get out and feel the sunshine on our skin!’ And you know Terry, so after I gave him the look, we went out. We headed down to the lake to walk the loop, and it was such a lovely day! There were so many people enjoying the weather. Not a cloud in the sky, just blue as a Joni song. And Terry positively blooms in the sunshine. His cheeks fill with color and his skull just glows.
Anyways, we’re sitting down by the shore feeding the duckies, when I hear a whoosh and feel a tug on my hairdo, kinda like a gust of wind. I think nothing of it. Terry tells me the rest of what happened on last night’s Idle American, we says goodbye to the mallards, and finish our walk.
Coming home, though, I get the strangest looks from people on the bus. You know me; I’m used to the attention; but these weren’t admiring looks. I figure the wind must have knocked my hair all about, but again I think nothing of it.
We get home, I change for the show, and rush out to meet you, all the while forgetting to check my hair. So could you do me a favor, sweetie? Could you take a look at my hair and see if it still looks magnificent or if I got a leaf or a butterfly in it? You’re a doll.
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I don’t get it, Larry. We’re twins. We look practically the same. So why do so many find it okay to call me the Cute Twin and you the Creepy Twin? It just boggles the mind.
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Oh man, what a concert. I knew it was gonna be awesome. I mean, it’s The Nuts, right? When don’t they just completely knock you off your slime? But then you bring Godrich back on bass. You throw in that stellar light show. The whole thing, like, plucked out my eye stalks and salted my spent corpse. The very definition of sound changed for me tonight! I can't... I can't even see straight. No really, where am I? I'm, like, wandering around the forest. Where's my house? Am I snail? Like, did I leave my shell at the coat check? Gahh.
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There is very little in this world that thrills me like a flower. They smells nice. They looks nice. They so tall. A fella can really feel safe with a flower to hide under. They’s especially nice to block out the sun when your scalp is feeling a little crispy. Just imagine where we’d be without flowers. We’d be sitting on our rumps in our caves or digging holes to squat in just so’s we could feel cool. We’d have to squash ladybugs into our pockets just to look pretty. We’d have to start bathing in puddles just to smell good. Boy am I glad I live in a world that has flowers.
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Let's talk about bears, honey.
It’s been 6 weeks since you brought home Smokey. You know I never bought your story that he just followed you home. From the grocery store? Am I to believe that bears roam freely outside the Shop ‘N Smart? Twelve bears. Twelve bears just happened to hang outside the grocery store looking for a kind-hearted man to give them a home. In the suburbs? No.
I get it. They remind you of your ex. But just call her up and talk to her. You need closure.
And we need to get rid of the bears. They're eating all of our salmon, blueberries, and Super Golden Crisp, and the kids are getting a little too attached. You already know that Jingles curls up on Timmy’s bed each night and that Socks has been letting the twins ride him around the backyard. But this morning, I came down to the kitchen to discover Lucky had already made the kids’ breakfasts and packed their lunches for school.
Look, I did some research last night. There's a place up north. We could rent a car or two. If we leave Saturday morning, we could make it up there and back before school starts Monday morning.
What? No, c’mon, I’m not that cruel. We’d just drop them off and kiss goodbye. The kids would be upset, but the long drive back could give them time to get over it.
Okay, sure, why not. But if we're going to keep one, let's keep Mr. Fluffers. I haven’t heard the Randolph’s yappy dog since you brought him home. Sorry, since he “followed you home.”
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Please, Daddy? Can’t I just have one Orange Julius? Pretty please? We’ve been at this mall for like 5 minutes already and I'm so thirsty!
But I don't want water! I’m not a WATER Bat. I need fruit! Please?
I can't wait that long! If you get me an Orange Julius now, I'll go anywhere you want in this mall. Anywhere. You want to go to the candy store? I'm there. Look at the video games? Sounds good. Get a Cinnabon? Great! But AFTER I get an Orange Julius, okay?
Please? I never ask you for anything! Pretty pretty please?
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Oh wow. That guy is so cool! How do those sunnies even stay on his nose without a frame? Is he using tape? I could never pull that off. But he sure does. With aplomb, even! It’s like those shades are a windshield and he’s a convertible Miata! Rocking the leather seats and a spoiler, too.
I bet that guy has like three chairs in his apartment just in case two friends stop by. Or he’s got a girlfriend! And they sometimes invite her Dad over for chips and dip and he sits in that third chair!
The coolest guy. He probably sees every Liam Neeson movie THE DAY it comes out. And he probably says to the concession stand person, “Gimme some Junior Mints AND some Whoppers.” That's just how he rolls: double-fisting movie-time snacks!
Such. A. Baller.
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I am more than just a ladybug. I am a father, a husband, a brother, a son. I play basketball at my church every Wednesday evening, left guard, though I'm a mediocre ball-handler at best. I have a degree from a mid-sized university. I write poetry. I go rock-climbing with my son, teach my larvae how to fly, cook pasta on occasion.
But what I am not is an umbrella. And as soon as this troll lets me down, I will write an impassioned letter to my local representative to demand justice. My fellow beetles and I won't stand for this anymore. For far too long, the trolls of this forest have been wantonly disregarding the rights of the six-legged. We will fight the oppression, fight for our freedom, fight until the trolls kneel at our feet and beg for mercy!
And will we give it? Probably! Because if we cannot forgive, then we don’t deserve the spots on our backs.
Six legs good! Two legs... also good but there’s definitely room for improvement.
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Yipes! What in the name of all that is hairy was that?!
A casso-what-y? Never heard of it. I thought maybe we’d set foot in Jurassic Park.
Is this what we're reduced to now? We used to be the kings of all that we laid our beady little eyes on. We were proud, ignoble beasts. Folks feared us. Heck, I feared us. And now a cassowary can just sneak up on us as we innocently feast on our young? One squawk and up the telephone pole we scurry.
No, I was not going to stay down there with that behemoth shaking his waddle at me! What are you, crazy?! The whole thing just leaves a fellow feeling uneasy.
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