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Blood bath

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Spiraling back into eds and nic addiction...

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Lost 1kg in less than a week with maintaining a nice healthy diet without counting calories

Yay

Hope I can keep it up this way

(I cut up bread/pasta/rice... And sugary. Sticking by natural fruit sugars)

[anapisces]

Day 2 of my attempt at a healthy diet

OKAY just so ya’ll know, I have let myself go SOOOO MUCH January 2022, so almost an entire year of getting high and eating like shit.

I put on again all the weight I lost. It’s not a problem tho.

Worst thing is trying to break away from the habits of eating between meals. So I’m trying to stick to water and fruits (clementines are in season) and have healthy eating options.

I try to eat well in the morning and decrease it until diner time which is a homemade soup.

I’m trying not to fall back into counting every single calorie SO I HOPE I DONT CAUSE A BITCH IS NOT TRYING TO RELAPSE.

Anyway I am slowly turning my profile into a literal diary/blog so hit me up ig.

idk.

[anapisces]

Hey, new diet!

Lately I've been having trouble following diets like the ABC (because the more I restrict, the more I binge) or the healthy girl (because over 1000 cals is too much for me), so I created ✨the album diet✨.

Basically I don´t like taking the typical body check photos, it causes me very bad dysmorphia but at the same time it's motivating to do something that tracks my progress on those diets.

I made it based on the past times I´ve restricted and been able to lose and maintain my weight.

I have lost up to 2 kg (4.4 lbs) per week without negative physical symptoms such as headaches, dizziness or fainting.

[anapisces]

Will I stick to a healthy diet or will I relapse? Tune in for more at 6.

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The right people will always choose you.

He liked me when I was skinny but fell head over heels for me even when I put on soo much weight.

I love him so much

They would have chosen me if I was skinny.

[anapisces]

Okay so

Today is January 17th, 2023 and I am officially back on track

I have let myself go so much during the summer and did absolutely 0 efforts to try and stop myself.

Now I got a new office job and a new boyfriend (well I started the job in November and I got with my boyfriend in September so it's not that new)

But I am officially back on track, tracking food, no eating between meals, no dinner and super light breakfast and lunches.

I'm not trying to go back as a pro ana account but I hope I can use the tricks I got during all my relapses to try and make myself a good healthy diet.

I can do this. Yep.

Ps: posting this so I can be accountable for the 3 people who might give a shit👀❤️

[anapisces]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

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Have I gone crazy or what?

I have started this new job about a month ago and everything is fine,until like 2 weeks ago.Whenever I’m alone or heating up a cup of coffee in the office, I hear random sounds. Rhythmic knocking,muffled voices.. I even sometimes noticed that the tap is open while everyone swears they closed it. 

I don’t know if this has anything to do with BPD (got diagnosed) or if it’s just the stress OR IDK BUT I AM REALLY SCARED AND DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON.

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP CAUSE I FEEL LIKE IM LOSING MY MIND

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Illustration from ‘Book of Death’ series, Kay Nielsen, 1911

[anapisces]

Almost a year later and it is still valid..

Relapsing so hard these days..

They would have chosen me if I was skinny.