amodernfemalegaze

[amodernfemalegaze]

when we met i didn't fall in love i just continued loving you. it was so easy to rest into you.

[amodernfemalegaze]

if my body is a battleground how will i know when i have won/ does a battle within yourself ever end/ i am a pacifist until it comes to my body/ this skin had been ripped apart/ divided/ shrunken/ and starved/

i am sorry, body, i am sorry.

[amodernfemalegaze]

drafts of my epitaph:

i was here/ i watched the same moon as you/ i felt the same things you feel right now/ we are the same/ all that seperates us is a thin layer of dirt/ i am your future but that is okay/ i am okay now/

[amodernfemalegaze]

i am still the same girl from that night/ when your teeth turned red and my scream got stuck in my throat/ open/ trusting/ unknowing/ innocent/ i am still her ghost/ living in that crimescene/ in that bedroom/ on top of the black sheets/

[amodernfemalegaze]

my skin is raw and red and screaming but i can't get you off/ i rub and scrape and scratch and claw/ but you will not get off/ you will not get off/ you will not get off/

[amodernfemalegaze]

the trauma must be healed. it must be faced. we must treat ourselves and those we encounter and our world like we would a small child. as if it is innocent and undeserving of pain. because it is. we must speak kindly and tenderly to the world around us. to our world. to ourselves.

[amodernfemalegaze]

reverse it by learning from the past. decide what we want to bring into our world and what we want to leave behind. do. learn. pivot.

[amodernfemalegaze]

the moment when we decide to change.

[amodernfemalegaze]

we are at the adrenaline rush of the plot. the action point. the active change. the precipice. a turning point. a pivot.

[amodernfemalegaze]

it is not too late. it is not too late. it is not too late to save the world.

[amodernfemalegaze]

i have never known womanhood without blood and pain

[amodernfemalegaze]

i have always associated womanhood with blood and pain and violence and violation and bathroom stalls and vanilla lattes with almond milk and playing tag and blueberry muffins and ghosts and decay and kitten heels and tear soaked toilet paper and blisters and bruised knees and moss and stained tea towels/

[amodernfemalegaze]

i am a girl playing dress up in my mother's heels/ my toes blistered and squished into the triangle front/ my heels sliding and spacious/ i am clumsy and my knees are scraped from kissing the concrete/

these heels have never fit my mother/ either/ they were once her mother's/ but these heels never fit her/ either/ they were once her mother's but they never fit her/ either/ they were once her mother's but they never fit her/ either/

[amodernfemalegaze]

womanhood is blood and pain/ is toilet paper pads/ bulky/ and moving/ legs uncrossed/ hair matted and uncombed/ voice loud and strong/

screaming at my mother/

please/ please/ please/

tell me it isn't always like this/

she is silent/ grabs a brush/ fights back against the mattes/ as i beg her to let me stay wild and unbroken/

[amodernfemalegaze]

i have met very few men who aren't emotional.

[amodernfemalegaze]

i wish i could look at myself without seeing how they wish i looked

[amodernfemalegaze]

i was 14 when i stopped eating.