a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Many years ago, when I was still drinking, I saw a teenage boy slap his girlfriend at a party.

I had had too much vermouth, I was angry, I did not care about consequences.

I chased him out of the house and down the street with a broken bottle in my hand. He hid from me. I was persuaded back to the party and talked out of slashing him by my dad.

Times have changed.

I don't drink anymore, I've been the slapped girlfriend, I've retaliated and left that situation.

My dad is no longer around to talk me down.

Next time, I will not walk away and leave an abusive coward to grovel in his hiding place. Next time I might just follow my instincts.

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

The endless loop always brings me back to the same place, I'm not important.

I've never been anyone's priority, never been first on anyone's list.

There have been times when I had no one, when I lived alone, worked alone, went out alone. I've gone weeks without speaking to anyone other than retail workers.

I know I don't feel any better when it's like that, but I don't feel worse either, and I have the certainty that I'm not about to get hurt or annoy anyone.

Sometimes I think I prefer the certainty of being alone.

There's no anxiety in being alone.

Being lonely and alone isn't nearly as bad as being lonely in a crowd.

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Endlessly looping around in my own thoughts today. So stream of consciousness post incoming.

There are things I want to say to people, but I know from experience that there's a strong possibility that they won't fully understand my intentions.

I've had a few people misinterpret compliments as flirting or an outright come on in the past.

There have been a couple of horrendous occasions when I didn't realise I was dating someone until they 'broke up' with me. People get really angry when they realise you didn't feel as much as they thought you did, even when they don't feel it either.

I'm wary of giving any kind of compliment now, and I know it can come across as rude when I don't know that people are looking for compliments or affirmation, but the line isn't clear to me. I don't know how to find the right level, so I stay quiet.

I want to shout and rave about someone's outfit or make up or bone structure or personality. But I don't know how that will be received and I don't trust my own judgement so I don't speak up at all.

I've been wrong so many times. I've misjudged people's intentions so many times. I've been used so many times.

I don't trust myself. I second guess my instincts. I ignore warning signs or doubt good things when I shouldn't.

I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for people to realise I'm not worth keeping around.

I identify as ACE, but that's not a simple label. There's so much nuance to it. I don't want a sexual or romantic relationship. I'm not immediately attracted to the physical. But that doesn't mean I don't know when people are objectively attractive. I definitely do. I'm much less likely to say it than an Allo person, because the risk of misinterpretation and having to explain myself is real and scary.

The closest I can get to explaining it is to compare it to appreciation of a sunset or a fluffy kitten. I want to be around beautiful people in the way I want to snuggle with a kitten or stare at a sunset and take pics of it. I'm not in love with the sunset or the kitten, but that doesn't make them any less appealing to me.

And in the same way that I want to snuggle the kitten and have it like me, I want to hug people and be around them all the time. In the same way I want to record the sunset, I want to capture memories of people and revisit them.

I'm aware that what I want is often childish. I'm now acutely aware that I've spent most of my life avoiding touch because the reactions I got as a child trained me not to get physically close to people. Unfortunately, now that I've looked at that and unpacked it, I'm finding it difficult to suppress the urge to grab someone's hand or hug them. I'm driving myself crazy craving the physical contact I've always been told I don't want, and when I do get it I shy away because I don't know how long to hold on and I don't want to annoy people by being too needy.

I am fully aware that I hyperfocus on people who make me feel safe, and I know from other peoples point of view that that can look like attraction or a crush. I know I can get annoying really quickly, and I know social norms mean most people won't tell me that they need me to bugger off for a while but I can come back later. I need to hear that I can come back later, or I won't know if I can, I really can't tell.

I've spent too much of my life trying to persuade people to like me and I've reached a point where I give up quickly. If you seem annoyed with me I'll walk away, and I won't try again. I've spent most of my life masking and trying to see the other persons point of view and make allowances for them and fit around them and now I don't have the spoons to deal with other peoples lack of spoons anymore.

I understand that I need to respect other people's boundaries, but I need to respect mine too. If that means I have to accept there is no point in trying to be friends with someone who's personal demons clash with mine then that's what I'll do. If that means I don't push when someone seems disinterested or persevere if they seem reserved then 99% of the time I'm just going to walk away. If they think that makes me rude, then I accept that they haven't figured out that not all ND people need the same things yet and I can't change that. Some people only want to see their own problems, they don't care how they affect others, I can't change that either. I will respect their boundaries, and do my whatever I can not to hurt or offend them. But ultimately I can only protect myself and my mental health by walking away. I won't feed my RSD anymore by hanging on to the hope that someone will like me if I try harder.

That's a recent and painful lesson. It doesn't matter whether I did something wrong or did nothing at all, some people just don't want to know and will always think the worst and see malicious intentions where there were none. I can't change them, but I can choose not to interact with them.

That doesn't mean I've stopped being a people pleaser, I'm always going to want to help, I'm always going to need a purpose. I'm always going to want to help if people ask for it. I'm probably going to apologise even when I know I did nothing objectively wrong. Being rejected will always be intensely painful, but the duration of the pain is significantly reduced if i walk away and stop trying to change peoples minds about me.

I know, intellectually, what other people mean when they talk about romantic love, I also know I don't feel it. I have strong emotions but not that one.

I could argue with myself for hours over whether that's AuDHD related or a separate thing. Is my Acespec-ness connected to my ND? I don't know, it just is what it is. Ultimately it doesn't matter why it is, it just is. An explanation won't change the effects.

In some respects I understand my psychology too well. I wonder if ignorance might be bliss sometimes.

I struggle with object permanence and, as a result of that, I worry constantly that if I don't remind other people that I exist they'll forget about me. I know that if I don't interact with people regularly 'out of sight, out of mind' will literally happen, so I make a nuisance of myself to people I care about. Partly because I don't want to lose any more people to my own distraction, but also because I'm very much aware that if I don't call people, no one will think to call me.

I know there's a level of childlike attachment to that that isn't 'normal' for someone of my age. Like a child calling out for a parent or carer repeatedly but not really wanting anything but acknowledgement when they have their attention. I can't change that about myself, but I can try to moderate it and restrict who I do it with.

I also know that I 'pebble' at people. As a child I did this literally, my grandparents once had an extensive collection of shells and shiny stones that I had given them.

I've learnt through years of bitter experience that this doesn't work on my mother. She won't remember who gave her things and she won't care unless it has some intrinsic value. Her concept of love is skewed and I can't change her, but I have, quite recently, come to realise that I can use her as a measure of what I shouldn't put up with.

She ingrained many and varied wrong beliefs in me as a child and I've had to let them go. It took too long to realise that sex is not the only valid form of physical contact, I don't need a relationship to be a complete person, I don't need to be lively to have fun, i dont need to 'tone it down', i dont sound like a strangled can when I sing, I dont hate brussel sprouts and carrots, I don't get travel sick on every journey (only if I'm hungry, which I always was because we weren't allowed to eat before travelling). She is not my only friend and I am not hers.

I've waffled around in my head all day today and got nothing done, I haven't solved anything, I haven't changed anything.

I'm still unemployed and I still need a purpose. I still find it incredibly hard to tell anyone I love them, or believe that anyone would really notice if I wasn't there.

I'm resigned to not being included in any invitations, and not being seen as fun. I can't make my face show what I'm feeling, it looks fake if I try. Watching other people have fun is fun. Making other people understand that I don't need to join in to enjoy myself is hard. People don't always understand that I have more spoons if I have a safe person around, and I don't have many of those. There are currently four or five people I'm comfortable and relaxed being around without other company, and only one that I trust enough to be my fully weird unmasking self with. I'm not related to any of them.

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Picky eating and food preferences is an interesting topic for me.

I will literally eat anything that is put in front of me.

I've eaten eyeballs, tripe, live bugs, Brussel sprouts etc etc

There are things that I would rather not eat, ways I prefer things cooked, and things I would never choose to buy but will eat if someone else serves them.

And there are things I will actively seek out, marmite, black pudding, haggis, spam, tuna, pickles, cheese.

I don't like greasy, over cooked or breaded/battered food.

But I will eat ANYTHING, because until I had my own home it was eat what you're given or don't eat.

I will choke down things that make me cringe and gag, I will not turn down food or express a preference if someone else is cooking.

As I've aged and hit peri-menopause I've developed worse allergies than I've ever had before. I've gone from mildly irritated by white bread and pasta, to fully coeliac. I can't stand close to a kiwi fruit without itching, artificial mint flavouring gives me terrible heartburn. My lactose intolerance now requires daily medication or the bulking agents in my pain killers annoy my stomach.

I don't appear, outwardly, to be a picky eater. Quite the opposite. But if I hadn't seen the way my sister's picky eating was punished, I might now have a very restricted diet of fruit, pickles and processed meat.

I learnt at 4 to hide what I didn't like and just eat whatever I was given. I choose the same few things from menus in restaurants because I know what will arrive. I'm reluctant to eat at new places with other people, I'd rather try it alone first in case it makes me uncomfortable.

So it's not an obvious issue, but it is an issue that I've learnt to hide and deal with.

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

CBT does not work for me, the first time they tried to make me do it, I was slightly depressed at the start and medicated and suicidal after 6 weeks of it.

I cannot 'sit with my thoughts'

I will never answer the 'have you thought about self harm' question honestly. I do not need a 72hr hold in an unfamiliar environment to prove to me life could be worse. It can always be worse, that doesn't mean it's good.

I have sensory issues, I have RSD, I am demand avoidant, I'm waiting for perimenopause to be over so I can get an autism assessment. I don't need to be locked up in a sensory nightmare environment to be told I need help I'm not going to get.

I have always had and will always have moments of wanting to cease existing. There is not a single day I can remember that I didn't have at least one thought of ending my life. I counter those by considering the impact it would have on emergency services personnel and remembering that my health is sufficiently fucked from the results of my 20s that I'm unlikely to make it past 65 anyway, and by making commitments and plans that I have to stick to for someone else's benefit. When my health eventually fails I have a quick and relatively painless exit planned and ready to go with minimal impact to others.

There is no one in my life who needs me to be here, everyone has someone more important than me. I'm not interested in a romantic or sexual relationship so I will never come first to anyone.

There are people I wouldn't want to live without, but that's not a reciprocal arrangement. I'm not on their list to invite to events, I'm not the first person they think of in any situation. But they are happy, and I'm not a child, I'm not their problem however much I'd like to be.

I no longer self medicated with alcohol because liver failure hurts. I don't self medicate with other substances because they don't do very much and they're expensive.

I do use dopamine hits from shopping and crafting, but I can't currently afford those.

The latest CBT therapist wanted me to 'be in my body' and ground myself in the world around me. This is why CBT is no use for ND people with sensory issues.

What do I see, feel and hear etc?

Everything, all the time. Every electrical appliance that's plugged in, the empty socket that's on, the lights flickering at different frequencies, the cooking smells from next door. labels, seams and loose threads, every ache, itch, draft, knot in my hair, bump on my skin.

Everything, all the time

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Just gonna keep dumping my brain here as the NHS dont do cPTSD therapy for free here and I don't have £40 an hour to spare.

They made me try CBT which is useless. I know there's a difference between negative thoughts and thoughts about negative stuff that's happened to me.

I can't think my way out of the reality of my life.

Start at the beginning right?

My mother - her mum was in hospital a lot so mum didn't bond with her and has attachment issues. She has low self esteem but also a narcissistic streak a mile wide. Her children are something to wave around like trophies or use for attention.

She has spent most of my life telling me and everyone else that I'm 'daddies girl' (I'm oldest, she resents the attention I took from her, he didn't treat us differently but she did)

When she's single she tells anyone and everyone, including me, that we're each other's only friend, when she's focused on a man she encourages them to sexualize and minimize me. I become a tool for fixing electrical things and lending money while having inappropriate comments made about my body and life choices.

She tailors her personality to fit whichever man she is with, and has no regard for her children when doing this.

She is perfectly capable of doing things for herself if there's no one around to watch, but as soon as she has an audience she's a poor little woman who needs help with everything and has forgotten how to do every job she can usually do.

She is cruel, when my sister had sensory issues with food as a toddler, she was threatened with mustard and raw egg if she didn't eat what was put in front of her.

In 51 years I can remember 1 occasion when my mum hugged me, and it was a show because I was upset and my now ex was watching.

She has regularly referred to me as 'the normal one' or described my sisters problems and then followed up with 'but she's always ok' managing to simultaneously minimize my issues out of existence and imply that my sister's ND and physical health issues make them abnormal and wrong.

She did not allow us to socialize as kids, we were not allowed out unaccompanied until our mid teens. We didn't play with anyone but her and each other unless she arranged it.

She rented soft porn and horror movies from blockbuster and we were required to watch as a family. I saw The thing in 1983, I was 9, my sister was 5. I saw Porkys when I was 8, it's X rated.

I was 'mummys helper' from 4, and we are all still constantly reminded that she wanted boys but miscarried them.

She complains about her brother constantly and hates his wife, the root of this seems to be his financial success compared to her.

She encouraged me to marry the guy that pressured me into sex at 15 and treated him like a gift.

She complains constantly about having to care for her mother (97) and spends her money whenever she thinks she can get away with it, she tries to get us to do the same.

She is selectively christian, depending on who shes talking to and what she can get out of them.

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Round and round in circles, seems like however hard I try I'm always the last on everyone's list

i have no shame i'll take the crumbs

It's that or a swim in the Thames and I've made promises for the next few days, so the swim will have to wait

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

I'm trying to summon a happy childhood memory, I can't remember anything but bullshit parenting

Being screamed at for crying on my birthday because I'd 'ruined it for everyone else'

Having to give things to my sister when hers were broken

Having board games thrown at me when I won

Breaking my arm

Not being fed when we traveled anywhere, because other people got travel sick and then being Ill from hunger by the time we arrived

I don't have any good memories before 13

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

I'm making my own therapy as therapists don't listen and don't understand the nd brain

Im not trying to make sense to anyone but me.

I don't make friends easily, I never did

I didn't go to preschool, my mum refused to let me socialize with other kids

I was her friend from the moment I could speak and she wasn't sharing.

When other kids were playing in the street I was kept inside because it 'wasnt safe'

When my sister was born I was made mum's little helper, share everything, be blamed when she broke things, she got presents on my birthday, my Easter eggs were hers and hers were hers too. None of this was my sister's fault.

When she was a fussy eater due to ASD, she was threatened with mustard and raw eggs until she ate what was offered. It didn't work.

She was traumatized by this and ate nothing but bread and potatoes until she was 15.

She was teased for her clumsiness constantly, taunted for her weird running style, and its now obvious she has a connective tissue disorder. But mum just thought it was funny to compare us.

I will eat anything, because refusal = hunger. I don't do sport, because you can't be abused for being bad at something if you don't try.

As a child my mum taunted me if I asked to go to the toilet before starting a task, and then berated me when I had inevitable accidents because I was terrified to ask to go.

My friends loved her, because they could turn up and be fed, and get gifts. she did it to monitor who I spent time with. They came to me, I rarely went to them.

Their parents were told we could not play outside because I had no concept of safety.

My inability to keep friends became an issue in my teens. I hit puberty at 10, I thought I was dying, my dad explained what was happening, my mum carried on watching TV.

I was physically different to my friends, they drifted away because I was scared of physical activity half the time and in pain regularly.

It took until my 30s to understand that I didn't have to stop existing for a week every month.

I was weird then and I'm weird now, but no one ever told me why they were suddenly not my friend anymore, I never knew what I'd said or done. I had imaginary friends sometimes, just for someone to talk to.

ASD was never considered for any of us, although we all showed obvious signs.

I walked on my toes a lot, mum signed me up for ballet classes and then stopped them when I didn't have the confidence to actually perform.

She taught me at an early age that you excel or you give up and do something else, there is no middle ground.

I lost friends faster than I could make them.

I don't remember a lot of the people I was at school with, unless there's some kind of trauma associated with them I forget them.

This is the same with work colleagues, I barely remember the names and faces of people I knew for years, unless they were awful, then I remember.

I couldn't wait to leave home, my mum thinks the only form of affection worth having is sex, and put me on the pill at 15 so I could date. I had no interest in dating anyone.

But I knew what I was expected to do. I went on the first blind date a school mate set me up on. In hind sight she was trying to get rid of him, I was groomed and ended up married to the first arsehole that showed an interest in me, because I was raised to think marriage was the only option and I was nothing alone.

I'm done sugar coating him, he was a nonce, he wanted an emotionally immature, quiet child to date.

The older I got and the more I showed my own mind the less he wanted to do with me, before I hit 30 he'd started sleeping with a 16yr old. I left.

He had me isolated, i only had friends we both knew, I didn't go out without him.

During the time I was building up the energy to leave I was gaslighted by the guys I thought were my best friends, manipulated and robbed before they cut me off.

I had to move back to my parents, and I briefly had my own flat, before my dad died and I took on a house worth of bills. When my sister was forced to move in with her kids because of the economy and her mental health mum went right back to manipulating, lying and pitting us against each other.

She tells people I'm her only friend and she's mine, while she goes out regularly with a large group, dates creeps and weirdos and throws parties.

No one accepts my invitations to anything unless I can bribe them.

My mum has actively encouraged her dates to talk about my appearance and touch me up. She talks about her sex life constantly despite being asked not to.

She calls my sister a prude and tries to make us argue over it.

She lies to our faces about what the other has said or done and assumes we don't speak to each other.

She tells people I don't like to be touched and has, to my knowledge, hugged me once since I hit puberty. I was threatening to hurt myself at the time and she was restraining me.

I do not remember my mum ever saying she loves any of us.

She tells me to shut up if I sing, to stand still if I dance, things I make are never good enough unless she needs them, and then she'll praise what I do so she can have it.

She'll ask me to cook and then treat me like I'm an inexperienced idiot and not a 50yr old chef and try to explain basic cooking to me.

She'll tell all of us something 'in secret' and tell each of us not to tell the others.

I don't trust many people, I think there are currently 4 people i trust not to hurt or abandon me. And I still second guess that and have to talk myself into trusting my own judgement, I've been wrong a lot.

I've been strung along by someone who wanted a cover when cheating on their spouse, I've been dumped when someone emigrated without telling me, I've been dropped like a hot brick for being ace more time than I can count.

I don't trust myself to know if people are genuine. So I don't engage. I stay on the edges of groups, I come across as either shy or snobby.

And I do want a hug, I do want to join in, I do want to be included.

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

So close now!

The Trans Pride Centre – the UK’s only trans-focused center run by trans people – will have to close its doors for good unless it raises £27,500 to keep it open to provide vital support services for the trans and non-binary community.

Donate! Share!

Please, spread the word in any way you can!

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Today it’s Our Flag Means Death, but what is it tomorrow?

What’s the next show to get abruptly axed?

Great shows facing cancellation after a season or two is a trend that's becoming too common. We’re calling on networks to commit to what they started and #FinishOurStories

In the last few months, many beloved shows have been canceled after two seasons— Shadow & Bone, Julia, Rap Sh!t, Minx, Schmigadoon! — and Our Flag Means Death.

You wouldn’t start a book or movie if it wasn’t already complete— why does television have to settle for uncertainty?

As people are pointing out, “we are under attack.”

And for what? It can’t only be money, or studios would be thinking long-term about how viewers prefer finished products. But we only see short-term thinking. They had to realize that there would come a tipping point.

This is it.

📸 by @caribbeancrocs on X/Twitter

Where would we be without stories? Without that world to escape into — a world where we can find ourselves.

As Terry Pratchett wrote: “Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.”

If you don’t understand that, why are you in the business of storytelling?

Rethink these choices. Renew that show. Commit to what you started. #FinishOurStories

See more for petition links:

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

"...we all mourned for a day before jumping into action—none more than the crew at Renew as a Crew, especially by pushing a fan petition that shows our upset over the show coming to a premature end."

Full article: The Mary Sue

Keep the pressure on!

Email:

david.zaslav@discovery.com

david_zaslav@discovery.com

david.zaslav@wbd.com

support@hbomax.com

support@max.com

(855) 442-6629 customer service

help.max.com/us/feedback

✍️Petition: https://www.saveOFMD.com

📬 Mail: https://www.renewasacrew.com/mail

🚨Fax and 🚨proxy phone service info!

📠 Fax: David Zaslav

Warner Brothers Discovery

(818) 954-2409

⚠️ Proxy Phone service:

If you are outside of the U.S. or have phone anxiety, please utilize the fan created proxy phone service:

Email them at ofmdphonehelp@gmail with your name, email, and what you would like to say and they'll make the call for you!

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

Today it’s Our Flag Means Death, but what is it tomorrow?

What’s the next show to get abruptly axed?

Great shows facing cancellation after a season or two is a trend that's becoming too common. We’re calling on networks to commit to what they started and #FinishOurStories

In the last few months, many beloved shows have been canceled after two seasons— Shadow & Bone, Julia, Rap Sh!t, Minx, Schmigadoon! — and Our Flag Means Death.

You wouldn’t start a book or movie if it wasn’t already complete— why does television have to settle for uncertainty?

As people are pointing out, “we are under attack.”

And for what? It can’t only be money, or studios would be thinking long-term about how viewers prefer finished products. But we only see short-term thinking. They had to realize that there would come a tipping point.

This is it.

📸 by @caribbeancrocs on X/Twitter

Where would we be without stories? Without that world to escape into — a world where we can find ourselves.

As Terry Pratchett wrote: “Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.”

If you don’t understand that, why are you in the business of storytelling?

Rethink these choices. Renew that show. Commit to what you started. #FinishOurStories

See more for petition links:

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

70k!!! 🥳🥳🥳

Keep the pressure on, crew! ❤️‍🔥🏴‍☠️

Links and info on how to help down below!

Help Save OFMD ⬇️⬇️

Email:

david.zaslav@discovery.com

david_zaslav@discovery.com

david.zaslav@wbd.com

support@hbomax.com

support@max.com

(855) 442-6629 customer service

help.max.com/us/feedback

✍️Petition: https://www.saveOFMD.com

📬 Mail: https://www.renewasacrew.com/mail

🚨Fax and 🚨proxy phone service info!

📠 Fax: David Zaslav

Warner Brothers Discovery

(818) 954-2409

⚠️ Proxy Phone service:

If you are outside of the U.S. or have phone anxiety, please utilize the fan created proxy phone service:

Email them at ofmdphonehelp@gmail with your name, email, and what you would like to say and they'll make the call for you!

[a-dollshouse-of-dark-thoughts]

12/13 🌺CalypsoFest🌺

Giveaway Challenge:

What does YOUR flag mean? Share your personal flag or a description of what symbols might be included and what they represent to you.

Reply or reblog with your entry response & use all 3 hashtags for a chance to win! #OFMD #OurFlagMeansDeath #RenewAsACrew

The winner of this giveaway gets a custom cross-stitch of themself in the cosplay/outfit of their choice by the talented dollhouse44 including original pattern and the design stitched onto a bookmark!

Be sure to read the giveaway rules to make sure you're eligible 👇

🏴‍☠️CalypsoFest Sweepstakes Detailed Rules: