88present - Tumblr blog

[88present]

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I typed out so much and the pages refreshed and nothing saved.

My mom is home. Taking care of her is stressGil. The election is nearly over. I'm hopeful for a good outcome with Biden.

yet here I am, feeling sad as ever. I just want to talk to Rich. I don't know where he's at. Where his mind is at.

is anyone there?

[88present]

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I miss rich so much tonight 💔

Is there anyone there? I really want to talk to him. I wish he would reply.

[88present]

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i never heard from him. I just wanted to hear him tell me I was going to be okay. There's parts of me that feel like something bad has happened and then other parts that feel like he really doesn't care. I wish I knew how he felt about me.

my mom feels like she's back to her normal self. shell be going to rehab for physical therapy at least until the 20th. But I expect it to be longer. I'm just glad for all the help we've received for the drs and nurses. And grateful for my sister.

i remember telling god or whoever was listening I would live a life of misery if it meant she would be okay.

[88present]

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tomorrow will be a week that my mom has been in the hospital. Everyday things seem to be getting better. Her vitals and levels are improving everyday.

I reached out to rich. But he didn't reply. This should confirm that he isn't willing to be there for me as friend right?

[88present]

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My moms been in the hospital since this last Friday. It feels like so many issues. My sister, my mom and I are all pretty close. It's terrifying seeing her like that. Luckily at this moment, things are going well. We just have to keep this momentum up. I hope she'll be out at the end of the week.

ive been wanting to text Rich about it. Just bc he was my person that could help me feel better. But I can't. And he won't care. I have to remind myself he wont care. There's a part of me that says do it. Bc of that whole idea of tell someone you love them bc you don't know if you'll see them again. That type of thing. Idk...

The week has been hectic. I just want her home and healthy.

[88present]

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Tonight i'm telling myself i'm not worth it. Because he said he wasn't willing to try. So that must mean i'm not worth it. I tell myself this whenever I have blank thoughts while i'm working. Im not. I wasn't. I was used for personal enjoyment.

[88present]

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The last few days have been weird. I feel okay but then moments of extreme sadness. Today, i'm feeling more down but not debilitiating. I've started going to the gym in hope of keeping my mind busy but i'm not sure if it's working at the moment. I made the genius decision to go on a dathe Friday and i'm not looking forward to it. I miss him a lot right now. I have to remind myself he wasn't willing to try for me. He wasn't willing to fight for me. I wasn't worth it. I'm not worth it.

[88present]

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I don't remember the last time I was happy. there isn't a time I can remember where I could say I am happy woth everything in my life. How scary is that?

[88present]

092820

I'm back. A lot has happened and yet nothing at all. The world is still shit. Florida is horrible. People are horrible. It's weird walking out of the house without a mask now. I get paranoid with people standing close to me.

Rich lost his job. He's been jobless since March. He's been in a state of depression that I didn't know existsed in him. It was so bad to the point where he felt more comfortable about the idea of killing himself. I went into panic mode. Trying to do whatever I could from here. I stuck by him and sent him money when I could. Every other week for about 2 months. I felt like we were in a decent place. We talked about living together and have a life together. That was my end goal. His was just happiness. And he wasn't sure if I was in there.

Last week I messaged him "hi" and it turned into him telling me to take care of myself and needed to put myself first. Then it finally ended with him needing to figure out his life. he basically implied he needed to do this without me there. As if I was a distraction and that he needed to stop relying on me. I don't understand this logic. I did everything I thought was right. I didn't text him everyday or all day. I Supported him and encouraged him every chance I could. I didn't feel like I pressured him into anything.

I told him I wanted to know exactly how he felt about me but he never said exactly. Just said stuff like I knew and how I was making it into something that it wasn't. I was frustrated and dropped it. I didn't bring it up again. He FaceTimed me for my bday. We talked for an hour and I was insanely happy. And now a week later we aren't talking. He says we need to be over each other. I did everything right. I was so confident this was it. That I just had to wait.

Now I just keep thinking how much I want to end my life. Because it feels like I do everything right and it will never be enough.

[88present]

[88present]

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The world is weird. I’m currently at work. We’re still seeing patients but under mandated rules. We aren’t as busy. There’s still a small risk/threat for us. Everyone is on edge. I stay to myself because last week my best friend at work basically threw me under the bus. I made a suggestion and she got stressed out and ran to our boss. Who took it as if i’m telling everyone how to do their job. She hasn’t apologize. So I stay in my lane, I haven’t bothered talking to her. And I don’t think I want to. There’s too much to worry about. I’m self quarantining myself when i’m not at work. I only go out if I need groceries. I haven’t seen Vicki in almost a month or so. My coworkers and patients are the only faces I see. The whole thing wears on me. On us. I’m grateful I have a job. That we are still working and getting paid. Some dental offices are having to “fire” their employees so they can file for unemployment. Luckily, for now, we aren’t there. And I really pray that it won’t come to that. It’s insane to think this is happened. Is this the beginning of an apocalyptic Hollywood movie? Do I have to use to learn some new survival skills? I know Rich is upset and pissed off at the world like an angst-y teenager. He may not have a job after this. England is on a lock down. He can’t leave. I’m sure he would have come here if he had had the chance before. We don’t talk much. I tell him I miss him, miss talking to him but nothing changes. I see these memes about how if someone isn’t talking to you during this time it’s because they don’t want to. There’s not really an excuse if you’re sitting at home all day. I can’t tell if he truly doesn’t want to, or he’s just being distant and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Like how I do. Everything is stressful. We need some good news soon.

[88present]

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I’m not sure what to talk about. Other than I feel like I should? Things have felt okay. I do have some doubt. Primarily when rich and I don’t talk, I assume something is wrong even though nothing happened. I know it’s really irrational so I don’t act on it. It feels like we’re in a good place. I think we’re both struggling with not being happy. I told him I want more but I don’t k is what it is. It doesn’t mean I want to marry him. Although he’s the only one I would marry at this point. He knows I want him to move back and he’s admitted to wanting the same thing. But it’s a big step. He’s implied if he comes here and we’re together, he’s not leaving. Specifically not leaving me. It’s a huge decision and i’m not sure if we’re both ready for it.

I do know at the end of the year or rather beginning of 2021, I really want to move out. I want to know how it’s like living in my own. I know it’ll be hard. But I need to separate from my family a little bit. The money will be a struggle but I feel like sometimes i’m just mentally exhausted being at home. My sister not having a job, I can’t leave my mom knowing my sister can’t help financially. We had a big fight the other week. I’m just at my breaking point and they don’t really see it. I had to threaten to sell the house just to get my point across and I felt like shit doing it. But I don’t know what else to do.

I’m trying to look in the bright side. Sometimes I forget how good I do have it. It’s easy to fall into the dark and just stay there because it’s comfortable.

[88present]

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I’m trying to motivate myself to go to the gym tomorrow. Well later today I mean. Because it’s 12:33 in the morning. I want to go but I want to do nothing more. I feel good about going to the gym. It’s not much but it’s better than nothing. It’s easy to stop doing things you like because of anxiety or depression. I’ve never been diagnosed with either but i’m convinced it’s SOMETHING. There’s no reason to be this sad all the time.

Today, I didn’t like myself. I still don’t like myself at the moment. I feel sad for myself. I know it’ll pass. I’m just tired.

[88present]

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, then I could walk in my garden forever.”

— Alfred Lord Tennyson

[88present]

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I really miss Rich a lot right now 💔

[88present]

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

— Jodi Picoult - My sister’s keeper

[88present]

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The holidays were fine. Nothing crazy. I was happy. I talked to rich Christmas night. He didn’t have a good one. It was his first one back in 3 years and he said everyone around him was on their phones. He seemed really upset by it. I told him he would have enjoyed the day with me and my family. We weren’t on our phones a lot. We watched movies and ate together. New Years was fun. It was the first time I went out in years. I don’t like New Years at all. I think it’s pointless. But mostly I don’t like holidays that can make you feel less than for not having a significant other. Like Valentine’s Day. I went out with two of my coworkers and ate and danced and smoked hookah.

Last week, rich and I were talking. He said he missed me. Which he never says. He said he thinks about running away to me. Of course I loved hearing all of this. He has an odd way of showing he cares.

I decided I want to go to Hawaii for vacation and he does too. He offered to pay for the deposit for the trip and I booked it. It’s not for a while, November. So 10 months. I guess we’ll see what happens. It’s been just over 2 years. Then in November it will be 3. I can’t believe how quick it’s gone.

My New Years resolution was to try and learn sign language and take a pole fitness class. I did the class. I really enjoyed it but I don’t think it works with my schedule. I wanna try it again. The gym has become so boring lately. As far as the sign language, I downloaded an app and did the ABCs a few times. I’ll learn something by the end of this year.