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Why do I have such an intense visercal need to do these horrible things to myself? Why can't I just let myself be happy? Why do I keep choosing misery?

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Do you know how much easier it'd be in the short term to, like, I don't know, and hear me out, relapse????

...no? Because giving into urges may be nice in the short term, but in the long term, it's self sabotaging and incredibly harmful? Well, what if-

...no? Because "doing it just once" isn't actually really usually a thing and I'll end up relapsing worse than before? Well than how about-

...no? Because harm reduction isn't harm reduction if it isn't reducing harm to me so giving into urges isn't reducing harm when I have other better viable coping mechanisms and harm reduction tools that aren't giving into the urges? Do you think I should-

...yes? I should talk to my therapist about this stuff in our next session rather than pussyfoot around the issue? I guess-

...don't used the word pussyfoot?

By the way, I'm imagining this as when Mr. Krabs was whispering to SpongeBob in that movie.

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Nami gaining weight after Arlong Park is not only accurate but an important conversation we have to have regarding how healing can cause food intake to change. It is an important piece of rep, and I think Oda missed out. 👊😔 No, but truly. I see a lot of people complain for a variety of reasons, but like... first of all, I don't care. Erm, but like even with sorta valid complaints, I feel like they're wrong, or there could be a reason why she could be slightly overweight to midsized.

To address complaints that she's too active, One Piece bodies are not anatomically accurate or possessing the same as metabolism or whatever as us. So, like that alone is that answer. But also, you can be overweight and active, you all know that right? Weight is calories in vs calories out, Nami could eat/drink enough calories in a day to be overweight.

Another, maybe reasonable complaint, is that Sanji meal plans. But like, I don't like the idea that Sanji keeps any of the Strawhats at their necessary caloric intake and never goes above that. Nami's height and weight, 5'7 and 110lbs, would currently put her in the underweight category. There's no chance in hell. I refuse. Sanji, based on Canon characterization, might not like super overweight women aesthetically, but his ass is not feeding nami to be underweight. Both because of her muscle and the fact that Sanji is feeding his crew good, no way. She would have to eat under 2500 calories, this is based on her doing intense exercise daily cause, like they are doing crazy exercise, a day to maintain that. That's not happening. Think of how many snacks and drinks Sanji gives Nami and Robin, just the ones shown on screen. Let's say for a moment, being we're the same height, she's my weight. 161 lbs, just overweight, but y'know still overweight. She'd have stay under 3000 calories a day, that's feels more realistic. Still I feel like she might weigh more with both fat and muscle. If she was 180lbs she would eat about 3,076 calories to maintain that weight, which between 180lbs and 160lbs is only 163 calories difference which shows how easily she could and would gain weight.

I don't know. I just feel that all factors, including her height, activity level, muscle, caloric intake, etc, would make her weight lay around 160-180lbs. I also just get weirdly fixated on things and need to put pen to paper or thumb to keyboard. Also, this is a better use of my time and knowledge on calories and weight and stuff than what else I could be doing with that knowledge so.

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Throwing away possessions from that allow my brain space to relapse, very demure, very mindful.

Deleting apps and logging out if profiles that allow my brain space to relapse, very recovery, very progress.

Choosing my peace and happiness over relapsing, very demure, very self loving.

Finding peace with my body because it's the only one I have, let's be mindful of why we chose recovery, why we are lucky enough to have the resources to get better.

(Desperately gritting my teeth cause it'd be so much easier to give in and relapse. 😬😬)

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One Piece, food, and the Power of Friendship

(As someone who is in recovery for an eating disorder and is just beginning to form meaningful relationships after nearly 3 years of isolation.)

In September of 2023, I started watching One Piece because of the live-action I finally gave in. I was hooked from the beginning. I think there were a lot of driving factors to my instant connection with the show. It partially being my loneliness and partially my lack of job.

I think I want to preface my praise with an acknowledgement. One Piece is by no stretch of the word a perfect show. It has flaws from the pacing, the art style in certain arc, to more serious flaws like the way in which they portray some of the queer characters or Sanji's weird descent into complete perversion. One Piece has a lot of things in which it could do better, but I think, it is also a show that does a lot of things right.

One of the things it does incredibly well is food symbolism. Around 3, closer to 4, months ago, I posted about One Piece and food symbolism. Unfortunately, this isn't a post going more in-depth on it, though I've certainly considered it, I want to talk about how important it is to display food the way One Piece does. No matter how silly it may seem to most people, One Piece is a large reason I decided to move forward with trying to get better. I'd been struggling back and forth around the time I'd started watching One Piece but around December/January, I really began to descend into things worse and worse. I found myself growing distant from One Piece, I don't know if that was a subconscious thing because as I began to keep myself from food again I began to realize all the meanings that food was holding in One Piece or maybe it was just good old depression. Regardless, I pushed myself to continue as my enjoyment was far too great not to. Having shows that push, even passively or symbolically, that food is good and food is fuel is incredibly important and necessary. I struggle to think of many times in which food is regarded as bad, maybe in some arcs minor bad guy/girl mentioned not wanting food or keeping their figure, but to my recollection, there is little to none of that in the main cast or in general. In fact, we see Nami and Robin eating regularly. We see the crew enjoying food together, enjoying themselves around food. We see them eat for pleasure because something is yummy, not just for survival. And we see this constantly. We see this with so many crews. We see this at the end of most arcs when people are celebrating their freedom at last after month or years of poverty and starvation. I didn't fully recognize, even till writing this out, how important that passive/symbolic message was and is. I feel free? In a way. I feel lighter, I am not fully recovered, but I've slowly been finding myself enjoying food more, even before deciding to recover. One Piece made me recognize things that years of therapy couldn't. My therapist could tell me till she's blue in the face that I deserve food and freedom and happiness, but for some reason, a silly show about pirates and freedom made such a significant impact on me. Shows that push that passive influence works because it begins to slowly break down ideologies of self-hatredself-hate in a way therapy can't. It's similar to how the ideologies of self-hate became so ingrained in us in the first place, bit by bit in the shows and media we consume.

Then the theme that regards the power of friendship. I think this is something One Piece does better than most shows because it shows true unconditional love to someone. It shows that people can be friends despite different lives up until their meeting, or how it shows loving someone through hard times, or that bonds can be bone deep (yohoho) despite the short time you may know someone. I've never seen another show that so accurately portrayed the emotions I felt as someone who was outcasted and alone for so long. There was this connection I felt so deeply to Robin, that for along time I couldn't place. But, she ran and she was whatever she needed to be so that she could survive and have people around her and she searched for so long for the people that she could call her home. And, ok, I'm not on the run from a government and my people weren't wiped out, but! I was an autistic kid in public school who didn't have the best home life. I was desperate for love so I was whatever I needed to be so I could have people around me. Even when things got better-ish at home, I still struggled. Now, I was an autistic kid who had to move to another school cause the bullying got too bad. I was running but I couldn't get away I couldn't find my people. I was whatever I needed to be. Then around my mid 9th grade or 10th grade, I honestly have such a bad memory, I left in-person school to do online classes. I was alone, truly, for the first time. I wonder if Robin felt a similar empty confusion. I'm just barely beginning to find people to surround myself with for the first time that are, is as it's only one person, kind and caring to me and we connect.

I tried to condense this down and make a TLDR, but my brain exploded, so you get my barely edited kind of jumbled thoughts on this. I don't know, One Piece is just an important show. Despite its flaws it has a lot of important messages like you deserve freedom and food and happiness and people who will love you through hardships. I think it has a lot of things it could do better, but I also think there aren't many shows that do these themes so much justice and show them all at once. I think few shows will ever live up to what One Piece has done for me mentally. And, I think it proves that a lot more shows could replace the toxic passive messages they chose to use for more positive ones and that may help a lot of people, but who knows? I am just a Tumblr user that can't quite word things the way I wish to. Maybe that's the TLDR.

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Let's talk about the psychological effects of a parent counting down the days till they can charge you rent and constantly feeling like a guest in your house, it's never been a home and it never will be.

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I don't know why, but Strawhat weddings where they get interrupted by the Marines and they have to fight in wedding attire scratches an itch in my brain.

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Portgus D. Ace with a southern accent.

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Content Warning: Talks about eating disorders/disordered eating, just mentions, but I figure it's better to be safe! :]

I saw someone say food is freedom in One Piece, and like. Yeah. Even in this world, food is freedom, isn't it? So allow me to ramble about why One Piece's message, or at least how interept it, is so very important to me.

I think the reason One Piece hits and hurts so hard, for me, is because of how it talks about and what it insinuates about food and loneliness and freedom. The way those who love food have such a freedom to them, the way food brings so many together. I've struggled my entire life with loneliness, then I began to struggle with the freedom to be myself, and then I began to struggle with food. I lost my freedom again, just in a new and confusing way. I have found the freedom to be myself, but I still struggle greatly with food. Honestly, I've relapsed rather hard into my eating disorder lately. A bit before my relapse, I began watching One Piece and I think it didn't register with my how important food is in the OPverse but as I go on I begin to realize it more and more. Luffy's love for food, Luffy's kindness and willingness to give help to the ends of the earth when that food is shared. I think at first I found it a bit odd, but really, it makes sense. These people often struggle under an oppressive government or in deep poverty, and despite that, they are kind enough to share with someone who's hungry. It's almost a way to show that, though they aren't free, they have not lost the free will. And then, after the fight, once these people have gained their freedom, a giant feast the size of which they likely have no indulged on in so long is had. They dance and eat and enjoy each others company and bask in their freedom.

Or when Ace joins the Whitebeard pirates, his last conversation with Marco before officially joining, he is offered a meal despite all he's done. He's felt he was was being backed into a corner, so he snarls and shows his teeth, he shows them his worst. He tries to kill their captain for christ sake! But, still, they offer him food. I think food hold a lot of importantance towards Ace as well.

And, dear God, the thesis I could write on Zeff and Sanji's relationship with food. I could make an entire blog full of different eating disorders/disordered eating habits I headcanon Sanji with. But, I'll condense it a bit. Sanji's self-worth and his relationship with food is a symbolism I will never get over. I'm sure there is a part of him that battles with whether he is deserving of food or not, especially pre-WCI. I imagine Sanji is always the last to eat if he eats at all. A lot of what I have to say with Sanji's relationship with food is not canon or how interept it, so I'll just say. I think after WCI, when he truly has his freedom, he seems lighter. I've not made it all the through, but I think there is a sort of new willingness to allow himself food, from what I've seen and imagined.

I could honestly ramble about it all day and night, One Piece and food and freedom, but I'm at work on my break and I think if I were to go back on the floor sobbing, I may get a concerned look or two. So I figure I should conclude this with:

In One Piece, food is freedom, and everyone deserves freedom so therefore every deserves food. Food brings people together in a way that no other thing really can. I resonate with those ideals in a way that I can not begin to express properly. I wish that knowing that made me feel worthy of food and recovery, I wish knowing and seeing all that made me reach out, but it hasn't yet. So, I hope that one day, I will experience something close to what I imagine Sanji did. Realizing I worthy, beyond just hearing or saying it, but truly and wholeheartedly knowing I am worthy of companionship and food and freedom. I could honestly write a whole thesis on food and One Piece, I might, maybe it will help me truly realize these things, but who knows?

I honestly wish I could find the post again, but it's lost in my likes 😭 I would love to read more posts about it, so if anyone who sees this recalls any posts please tag the author post so I can read it!!! Apartently, "One Piece food symbolism" is too specific/niche a topic for Tumblr search bar to find many posts.

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SPOILER FOR Whole Cake Island!

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"Because my father would be disappointed in me."

"If I can't stand tall and look my father in the eye, then I've failed him."

WHY DID NO ONE PREPARE ME FOR THIS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! NO ONE TOLD ME HE'D CALL ZEFF HIS FATHER, NO ONE TOLD ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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To be loved so deeply and so truly for something you've only ever thought of as a weakness must be so incredibly healing.

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I think the thing about nostalgia, the part that hurts the most, is that you can never return to that. Not just in a literal sense of time travel being impossible, but, rather, because the events we lived through the lens of nostalgia never really happened. The feeling we spend days or weeks searching for were never really things we felt back then. Right now, for example, I find myself wishing to go back to 2020-2021. Those years were perhaps one of the darkest times of my life, yet still. I sit here longing a time that wasn't real. A feeling that I will never be able to recreate because even if it did exist, I will never exist as I did those years ago. It's the chronic yearning for a home I've never had. It sucks because we sit here grieving an era of time, a feeling that never existed, at least not in the way we're thinking of now.

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I don't mean to be a hater, I'm just chronically embarrassed.

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As I get older, I find I only become more certain and justified in my anger. I feel myself becoming more angry as well. I don't know that I'm happy about it, because that means my feelings have been right all along and that my father has not done the job he was suppose to, but on another level I am devastated.

Why was I undeserving of love and protection from the first man I was supposed to trust? I wasn't, I deserve to be loved and protected by him, and yet.

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Why does the literal devil and his daughter have a better relationship than me and my dad?! 😡 Wth, when is it my turn?

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Imagine your father actually "sheltered and adore you more than anything." 😭

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I was thinking... is Mihawk even shown with wine that often, or is it just a vibe? I feel like we see him enough to get an idea of who he is outside of battle, and I don't feel like we've seen him with wine that often. Maybe I'm wrong, I'm not going back to check, but I'm pretty sure of all the flashback scenes with him training Zoro he has a glass of wine in his hands like twice and the whole Fandom has collectively decided he is a wine mom or something. Idk, maybe I'm wrong. Either way, I think about him too often, lol.