#zugzwang

[lilyevansisamilf7]

Another Life - Spencer Reid

Pairing - Spencer Reid x Fem Reader (Non Specified but imagined fem)

Warnings - not spell checked, character death??, cheating, all cm trigger warnings, Maeve, mentions of eating disorders addiction and suicidal thoughts.

Summary - You we’re ready to marry him, he was ready to leave.

———————————————————————

You fell in love four years ago. Budding new SSA Y/L/N and the marvellous Doctor Reid, the BAUs power couple, attached at the hip - perfect.

And perfect it was, you and spencer had been through everything together. Case after case, his addiction, your own struggles with disordered eating, and everything inbetween, so when he started being distant, and getting migraines, you were sure you could help. You found him the best doctors, geneticists, anything and anyone.

You never thought he’d fall for Maeve Donovan, his geneticist, i mean how could you, you’d seen the ring. He was going to propose, or so you thought, a beautiful amethyst ring hidden in the blazer pocket of his work suit. Not your favourite crystal but you’re sure he had a reason for picking it, he always did.

So you began planning.

And you planned and planned until it suddenly didn’t feel like he was going to propose anymore.

“Spence?” You call out from the kitchen where you’re making dinner.

“Yeah love?” He walks in.

“I was just thinking, do you ever think about marrying me?”

“Well yeah in the future when we’ve settled a bit more, i’m happy how we are right now”

“Oh” You sigh, “What about that ring in your blazer pocket? What’s that for then?”

Silence. You know what that means.

“Is she pretty?” He looks down at his shoes.

Your turn off the stove and wipe your hands on your trousers.

“It’s Maeve isn’t it? The doctor?” You giggle sadly “You always liked them smart”

“Y/n…”

“Does she make you happy?”

“Not like you do”

You scoff. He looks at you confused.

You pick at your nails, crying slightly. “You were the one for me Spence, and I just want you to be happy, I thought that was with me but i guess not anymore” You shrug before grabbing your bag.

“What are you doing?” He try’s to grab your hands.

“Im going to stay with Garcia tonight” You reach the door, “Maybe you can invite Maeve for dinner, i made your favourite. I’ll be back tomorrow to gather my things”

“Please don’t do this..”

“Goodbye Spencer Reid”

———————————————————————

The past month had been hell for you, you didn’t tell anyone the real reason you and Spencer split up, not wanting to ruin his friendships with the rest of the team, but you hadn’t been doing well. You’d lost a lot of weight, stopped going out with the team, and started throwing yourself into your work.

It was plain as day that you were heartbroken.

So when Spencer came in, seeking help for Maeve, you were advised to steer clear of the case. But you were determined to show everyone you were fine.

You worked the hardest on the case and found Diane first, and joined spencer on retrieving Maeve.

You walk in unarmed, as requested by Diane, and see Maeve being held by gunpoint.

“Diane, right?” You try and sound as calm as possible, “I’m Y/n”

“Stay back or I shoot her!”

“She rejected you didn’t she? Your paper? I read it and it was good, just needed a little more evidence”

“What evidence?”

“Someone who wasn’t your parents, who wanted to die”

You breath in

“I can help Diane, you need someone like me, you can kill me”

“You’re trying to trick me!” She exclaims.

“i’m not, Maeve doesn’t want to die, do you Maeve”

She begins to cry begging for her life.

“And you do?”

“I’ve got nothing left to live for”

You look to Spencer sadly.

“Think about it Diane, this gives you the evidence you need” You smile.

“You’re trying to trick me!”

“Fine, I guess Dr Donovan was right” I fake sigh and get a little closer, “You aren’t worth the time or effort”

In an instant, Maeve is thrown to the floor and Diane grabs and shoots you both in the stomach.

You fall to the ground.

Spencer instantly runs to you, cradling you in his arms, your breaths shallow and weak.

“Is Maeve okay?”

Astounded at your care he says “Please don’t worry about her, save your strength, the medics are on their way”

“I don’t think i have the time Spence”

“Please baby” He whispers.

“Are you happy Spence?”

“She’s not you…”

He holds you tight and you reach up to cradle his cheek with your hand, “Please let yourself be happy” A metallic taste covering the inside of your mouth.

As he’s holding you he can feel how much smaller you’ve become. “You’ve not been taking care of yourself” He begins to cry

“It’s not important now,” I whisper, “Spence?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think i’m another life we made it

He thinks for a moment.

“I’m every universe i will be forever yours, I just wish it could’ve been in this one too” Beginning to sob

“And i will always be yours too, you were it for me Spencer Reid”

His tears fall down quicker than you can wipe them away.

“At least we’ll have all those other lives, we could have that wedding I planned,” I giggle sadly, “You would’ve loved it”

“I should’ve asked you, I wanted it to be you”

“I wanted it to be me too”

Your eyes begin to close, in the distant shouts for medics get louder, the blaring of sirens closer.

“I love you” he whispers, “Please don’t leave me, we’re not done yet”

———————————————————————

[ultimate-word-tournament]

Ultimate Word Tournament!

zugzwang (German/English, Chess Dialect) [ˈtsuːktsvaŋ]/[ˈzʌɡzwæŋ] a situation found in chess and other turn-based games wherein one player is put at a disadvantage because of their obligation to make a move; a player is said to be "in zugzwang" when any legal move will worsen their position.

Rickroll (English, Betrayal Dialect) [ˈɹɪkˌɹoʊl] https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ

Zugzwang Propaganda 1 Zugzwang Propaganda 2 Rickroll Propaganda

[thatthirdtriplet]

Relationships:

Tim Drake & Dick Grayson Tim Drake & Talia al Ghul Tim Drake & Damian Wayne Tim Drake & Jason Todd Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne Stephanie Brown/Tim Drake Tim Drake & Barbara Gordon

Characters:

Tim Drake Ra's al Ghul Talia al Ghul Damian Wayne Dick Grayson Bruce Wayne Jason Todd Stephanie Brown Barbara Gordon Cassandra Cain duke Thomas league of Assassins Members (DCU)

Additional Tags:

One-Sided Tim Drake/Ra's al Ghul Creepy Ra's al Ghul evil Ra's al Ghul Tim Drake is Not Okay chess chess Metaphors implied/Referenced Rape/Non-conNot Canon Compliant protective Batfamily (DCU) Good Parent Talia al Ghul minor Talia al Ghul/Bruce Wayne protective Dick Grayson manipulative Ra's al Ghul protective Tim Drake canon-Typical Violence whipping self-Hatred hood Sibling Jason Todd protective Jason Todd hurt/Comfort Sad with a Happy Ending everyone Needs A Hug threats of Rape/Non-Con dissociation Jason Todd Sings flashbacks panic Attacks good Sibling Dick Grayson BAMF Tim Drake hurt Tim Drake hurt Dick Grayson Ra's Al Ghul's bedazzled chess setone person will understand Lazarus Pit Side Effects (DCU) Jason Todd's Eyes Glow

Summary:

zugzwang: in chess, the obligation to move, when any move at all will be bad

"A game of chess, Detective. I assume you know how to play. You win, and you and your family may leave freely. I win, and you take your place as my heir and I dispose of the others as I see fit."

Tim stopped breathing.

Ra's spread his hands, still smiling that condescending crocodile grin. "Our skills are evenly matched. The challenge is more than fair."

All a game, just win. All a game, just win. Just win, just win, win, win...

Keep your head.

[nosunlightx]

I’m rewatching criminal minds for the millionth time. and one thing I can’t seem to understand is the amount of disregard people in the fandom have for Maeve and Spencer. I’ve been in this fandom for too long but it just never made sense. yes, they’re arch was a bit blurry and messy but oh my gosh like it’ll always be bothersome to me.

[sofysta]

[lovemggubler]

Life update that no one asked for: loljk

I just started Criminal Minds Season 8... I'm kinda excited for this season because Hello Ms. Alex Blake, I've been waiting for you 😍 Emily... but at the same time I FEAR FOR ZUGZWANG EPISODE / Maeve arc. OH MY LORD HELP ME

[sardonic-sprite]

sprite i'm making a zugzwang music video and i'm once again rereading it and my heart is being ripped out again. but in like the best way. your writing is INCREDIBLE. like, this is amazing:

As Tim was being pulled back into his body, back into the present, his cell of a bedroom, Ra's's clutches, he became amazed he'd been granted his brother for this long. Soon someone would come to tear Dick away, no matter what he'd promised, and if either of them fought, Dick would be the one to die for it. He pressed closer, childishly hoping that when that time came, he could keep some of Dick's warmth inside, to strengthen him, comfort him. Dick sighed softly, lifting his hand again to stroke Tim's hair. He must also know their time was growing short.

hate was something ugly and festering, something that made you cross all of your lines, something that could destroy you just as much as who you hated. But Tim would sink to hell if only he could drag Ra’s al Ghul down with him.

Tim threw the rook. It flashed for a second in the light before cracking against Ra's's skull. There was a bloom of scarlet at the spot, and Ra's staggered back a step, eyes going unfocused.  The entire world went silent except for the deafening thuds of Tim's heartbeat. A thousand pairs of eyes stared at him. Ra's lifted a hand, catching the blood on his fingertips. He stared at the drops in disbelief. Another flash of sun on metal, and a spray of red. Sound slammed back into the world like a physical blow, a thousand voices shouting in shock and fury. Tim stared at Ra's as he collapsed to his knees, clutching a spreading scarlet stain on his chest.

It will be ok. And this time it wasn't a promise to be kept or broken. They were going to be ok.

His arms were around her waist, and her hands were on his. The end of her braid tickled his face, and her feet were freezing cold against his, but all of it was Steph and safe and home. 

Every word is literal perfection. It's .... it's .... I don't have any words just skdjhaf;kjhgajdfwe'r;hogeahk;gjaeg

Also your Good Mom Talia is the love of my life, she's so protective and kind and beautiful and warm.

You mean the music video that squeezed my heart in it's fist until I had to call a feels doctor? That music video?

Awwwwwww damn you picked good moments. I wrote The Throw TM the way I'd script it in a movie and if I'm allowed to say so it *really* makes me picture it well

I also love good momma Talia. Dami deserves her, as do Jay and Tim, and most importantly Talia herself deserves to be... not how she's usually written 😂

[raekensluver]

i'm finally at the zugzwang episode of criminal minds. this is my first time watching it. wish me luck.

[50shadesofpattinson]

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

[beautifulbrainrot]

i am one ep away from zugzwang on my rewatch, i am terrified 😭😭😭

[ultimate-word-tournament]

Ultimate Word Tournament!

腐れ縁 (くされえん) (Japanese) kusare-en [kɯ̟ᵝsa̠ɾẽ̞ːɴ] toxic but inseparable relationship

zugzwang (German/English, Chess Dialect) [ˈtsuːktsvaŋ]/[ˈzʌɡzwæŋ] a situation found in chess and other turn-based games wherein one player is put at a disadvantage because of their obligation to make a move; a player is said to be "in zugzwang" when any legal move will worsen their position.

[nightshadereaper66]

text below the cut

Zugzwang

“Zugzwang: a situation in which the obligation to make a move in one's turn is a serious, often decisive, disadvantage.”

Everything reminds me of you. Now you’re doomed to become a collection of memoirs Alive only in pictures from the time we called ours. I can’t help but remember you. In between the notes of the music, in the lyrics of my favorite song In the places where I still expect to see you, now I am in zugzwang I can’t help but miss you. Love, though beautiful, is ever bittersweet Love, in all of its enormity, remains discrete.

[sho3aibi]

Every path is the right path. Everything could've been anything else. And it would have just as much meaning.

هو الواحد بيمر بأزمة منتصف العمر ولا إيه؟!

تيك تيك

الوقت هو العملة ا��حقيقية واليوم عاد بيعدي بسرعة أوي

بعد تجاربي واللي شوفته، عدت شايف إنه معدش فيه وقت ينفع أجرب أي حاجة، لا الواحد بيفضل بشبابه ولا قوته وطاقته ..

Before he was unable to make a choice because he didn't know what would happen. Now that he knows what will happen, he is unable to make a choice.

الصراع الأبدي بين ما يناسبك وما تطمح إليه..

There comes a time in life where everything seems narrow. Choices have been made. I can only continue on. I know myself like the back of my hand. I can predict my every reaction. My life has been cast in cement with airbags and seatbelts. I've done everything to reach this point and now that I'm here, I'm fucking bored. The hardest thing is knowing whether I'm still alive.

عمري ما كنت متردد كده في اختيار حاجة:

You have to make the right choice. As long as you don't choose, everything remains possible.

متنساش إن الموت هو المصير الحتمي لنهاية كل قصة،

الدنيا دار عمل وليست دار جزاء،

اعمل اللي تقدر عليه وسيبها على الله .. ربنا كريم.

[lovemggubler]

Criminal Minds Season 8

There is something in this season that is making me crazy!! The anticipation for Zugzwang is kilIing me already. WHO THE HELL IS TAKING THEIR PHOTOS AT THE END OF THESE EPISODES .. is this Spencer's stalker? 😭

I'm 6 episodes away from the Z episode. I AM SO SCARED GUYS

ps. BASEBALL REID???!?!! 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

[mahoupeach]

sketch of this fic I like

I wanna get better at drawing aot but it’s hard bc I’m so picky about drawing hange ;; theyre my fav

I also don’t know how to play chess so don’t even look at the chess board lol

commissions open :3 (theyre 50% off rn…….)

[amberjazmyn]

dr spencer reid one shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - i'll always come back for you

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - sad, angst, death of maeve

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - what should have happened after maeve died and how i wished we (the whole cm fandom) saw emily prentiss drop everything and fly back to be there for spencer after the death of maeve. set after "zugswang" but just before "magnum opus"

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - i was inspired to write this after rereading other people's same visions of emily dropping everything and flying back to the usa to be there for spencer. and because in my head and i'm sure all the other's who have written these exact fanfics, this is a canon event and when spencer wasn't talking to the rest of the team and shutting himself away in his apartment, he rang emily and she just straight up dropped everything for him without a second to process or for spencer to even give a proper explanation.

masterlist

---

he was heartbroken.

he felt like his heart had been stepped on repeatedly.

growing up, he thought he'd never fall in love.

and then as he got older and finally did fall in love, it was taken away from him.

all because of a selfish woman who couldn't handle the fact that she wasn't as intelligent as she played herself up to be.

and that bitch cost spencer the life of the woman of his dreams.

the life of the woman he planned to potentially marry and create a family with outside of his work family with the federal bureau of investigation's behavioural analysis unit.

he wept on the floor of where his lover was shot dead in a murder-suicide all because of thomas merton and because he didn't try hard enough to convince diane him for her.

- - -

it had been days since maeve donovan's death. which meant it had been days since spencer had slept, ate, kept a clean apartment and done anything other than cry and wallow in his overwhelming grief.

a grief that was unlike any other he'd felt before. this grief wasn't the same grief he had when he spent ten weeks at jj's crying over what he thought was emily's death...emily.

it had been at least a couple of months since emily had gone back to london to work for interpol. spencer missed emily. missed her more than he thought he could miss anyone...he needed to see someone, anyone and whilst he appreciated, loved and lived for his bau family, for jj, for penelope, for david, for derek, for aaron, for alex, he needed someone that wasn't there when maeve died. and, the only person he could think of with his head in this tailspin of grief was emily.

he needed emily. and it seemed as though emily sensed it.

because, before spencer could even tap on her contact information, emily rang him first.

"...hey spence, i heard what happened, are you okay?" emily whispers over the phone, knowing that spencer wouldn't be able to fathom talking any louder than a whisper

"...no...i...i...i'm in pain, em...everything hurts" spencer whimpered as he felt like his body was on fire

"i am so sorry honey. what do you need?" emily says softly. her own heart breaking for the kid who she called her own little brother

"you..." he was worried emily couldn't hear him but she did

"...of course. leave the door unlocked for me spence. i'll message you when i've arrived back in the states. i know you've been refusing the help of the rest of the team. promise me you won't shut me out." whilst it may sound like she was demanding, her voice was soft and anything but demanding

"i promise...just, please em...i...i...i need you..." spencer sniffled as his heart continued to spread pain throughout his body that emily sensed

"...i'm on my way honey. please don't do anything stupid before i get to you. i don't want to see you covered in your own blood or anything, please..." emily hated seeing those she loved in pain but none more so than spencer

"...thank you. and i promise, i won't do anything stupid. i...i love you, emily..." spencer sniffled, disregarding his tears as he curled into himself on his couch

"...good...and i love you too, spence. i'll be with you before you know it..." emily said before spencer murmured a small "...i know" before they parted ways so emily could book the first flight back out to the states

and, blessed be to god, the first flight back to the states was midnight that very same day. and due to the timezone difference, it didn't even feel like a day had gone by before emily had arrived in the states. whilst spencer was nowhere near smiling or thinking of it, waking up from his sleepless sleep to see a text from emily that she was in the states and was on her way to him gave him the feeling of smiling, joy and hope.

---

but, before emily even arrived back in the states, she had to let her unit chief at interpol know why she was all of a sudden flying back. and flying back so quickly without much notice and on a midnight redeye. and, her reasoning? a family emergency. because, this was a family emergency to emily. anything that involved spencer, penelope...heck, anyone in the bau back in the states were her family. and if she could drop everything she was doing for all of her former bau babies, she absolutely ten thousand per cent would. but, because it was spencer of all people, she knew it wasn't time for her to make this a catch-up with the rest of her former team members. so she didn't. she told no-one from the rest of the team that she was coming back to the states. because she knew and it was clear that if spencer was ignoring their gift baskets and them stopping by his apartment door, that it wasn't them he wanted to help him grieve. there was a reason, a specific reason he wanted emily and she wasn't going to betray that by using that to have the rest of the team join her. so, whilst she was in the states, she wasn't going to be talking or messaging anyone else in the states. she was just going to be there for spencer and be there for him for as long as he needed her to be there for. and she didn't care if he needed her to be there forever, she would be there for him and she'd never leave him.

which is what brings us to present day. emily stood in front of spencer's apartment door with all of the gift baskets of penelope and the rest of the bau team at her feet.

she's just about to announce herself when she swears she hears a small voice come from inside the apartment, "...the door's open..." and it was a small voice, it was spencer's

"...do you want me to bring in the gift baskets? i don't want your neighbours to steal them..." emily's voice was also soft as spencer managed a scoff in his grief-ridden stupor

"...yeah, that's probably a good idea...thanks em..." spencer mumbled as emily smiled

her suitcase small enough that she could grab it as well as the three or four gift baskets that were filled to the brim with food and other things that were sure to (at some stage) bring a smile to spencer's face. and just like spencer promised over the phone just a day ago, although it felt like the phone call was years ago, he left his door unlocked for emily. smiling, she let herself in skillfully, even with everything in her hands. placing everything on the floor or on a table nearby, she released the kinks in her body and straight away brought spencer in for a hug. it didn't take a genius to figure out that spencer was grieving and was stuck in that cycle.

he was wearing his pyjamas with a gown draped over his skinny body that seemed even skinnier and it broke emily's heart. it was clear from just a look up and down of his body that he hadn't eaten since that day. emily worried he was dehydrated but, she breathed somewhat a sigh of relief to see many cups and mugs laying around his apartment. signifying that whilst he hadn't been eating, it was clear he was living off of water and coffee. which, whilst not terrible per say was still bad because he still needed to eat. his apartment was a mess. books had been sent flying from it's shelves in the bookcases to the floor, blankets were spread out messily on the couch which is where it looked as though to emily is where spencer had been sleeping. everything just looked like the person living in this apartment was grieving and, it was true. because spencer was grieving. he was grieving the girl of his dreams of whom he had only been in contact with for 100.5 days yet, he had fallen in love with her over the course of those 100.5 days but he never got to tell her that.

in fact, he remembers his last words to her. of course he did. the bloody eidetic memory. he couldn't ever forget. even the things he wanted to forget, he couldn't.

in maeve's last moments, spencer remembered telling her that "i don't love you, i'm sorry" before spencer was too late and couldn't save her.

whilst emily looked around spencer's beautiful apartment excluding the grief mess, she loved it. it was the apartment that emily always pictured seeing spencer live in. it had gorgeous green walls, lovely bookshelves, and even some stained glass windows. absolutely what she imagined for her best friend, spencer reid. except, right now, what she saw in front of her, the strewn blankets on the couch, the strewn books over the floor, the little to no food she noticed that wasn't in his pantry or fridge. seeing all of it broke her heart. she knew from prior experience when she was in the bau that spencer didn't take things like death and change in what others would consider to be the "normal" way of reacting to it. so, she knew on the flight back home to the states that seeing spencer, his apartment wouldn't be clean, it wouldn't be filled to the brim with food and all that there would be in the apartment was darkness, sadness and a grieving spencer as he grieved in his own spencer way that spencer grieved.

but, it was obvious that just having to share the space with someone else, someone who didn't bare witness to watching the love of his life be murdered in front of him, was already filling his heart with hope. hope of that maybe some day, not today or tomorrow or the next day but, some day, he wouldn't be this sad and it wouldn't feel like it is such a struggle to breathe everyday. and he liked that feeling. he liked knowing that with emily here with him, the same emily that left the bau for interpol and didn't witness maeve's uncalled for murder, dropped everything and made herself available for spencer when he needed pleaded for her to be with him.

during this time, emily had been putting away the foods that had been in the baskets from penelope and the team into the pantry and fridge. making a mental list to remind her that at some stage during her stay with spencer to go grocery shopping since whilst this food could sustain the both of them, it wouldn't sustain them for very long. walking back into the lounge room, spencer's curled up on the couch underneath the blankets, his eyes closed and a book clutched to his chest.

"...you asleep or awake?" emily asks softly

without opening his eyes or speaking, he signs "awake" and emily nods her head

"do you want me to stay with you and do you want to talk? or do you want to be left alone and i get the spare room ready whilst you sleep?" emily asks softly again

but before she could even finish the whole sentence, spencer signed "stay, please" and emily obliged, moving to the couch, emily snuggled up to spencer who straight away latched himself onto her

"ok, i'll stay spence. but, if you do get tired, please do sleep, okay?" emily said, her fingers immediately brushing through spencer's matted curls

"as much as i'd love to go back to sleep, i haven't really been sleeping. it's just been broken up intervals of r.e.m sleep before i wake up again..." spencer sighed, before speaking up again

"...besides, you flew over 1,000 miles to be here with me. it'll be rude if i just slept the whole time, don't you think?" he mumbled, looking at emily for the first time since she's arrived

"no. i don't think it'd be rude if you slept the whole time, spence. when we...when humans lose other humans that we loved, it completely changes us. it sends us into a tailspin of 180 degrees..." emily trails off before continuing as spencer listens intently

"...some people continue on with their life straight away as if nothing happens, before, eventually, it all comes crashing back on top of them. whereas others don't continue on with their life straight away. for those people, their world is on stop or pause and they struggle to continue living their life the way they lived it before tradegy struck. and, for you, spence, since...unfortunately, this isn't the first time you've been struck with such tradegy, your body and self knows you should be continuing with life and you normally do. but, because this is the first time it's been someone who you loved and loved with your whole heart, it's forced you to a striking halt that's completely wiped you out..." emily's voice was soft and full of emotions as her free hand that wasn't playing with spencer's hair found his hand and grabbed it

"...like hotch when he...when he lost haley to foyet..." spencer whispered as emily nodded her head, it was exactly like when hotch lost haley

"...exactly spence. it's exactly the same. for a while, we all saw, it was like hotch's professional world was on stop for a period of time because he had to take care of his family, take care of little jack. and then, when he felt like he had healed enough, he returned back to work and his professional world was taken off stop. and, i'll have to admit, i felt like in my own personal opinion, that he came back way too early, earlier than he was ready to return. but, in saying that, it doesn't matter what i think, or what the rest of your team thinks. whenever you feel like you are ready to return to work spence, you come back okay? and if they ask you if you are really ready, don't doubt yourself because you came back for a reason." emily stopped as spencer listened intently and nodded his head

"but...what if i'll never be ready to press play again?" spencer whimpered as his bottom lip quivered as emily gave a look of sadness

"why do you say that, spence?" emily questioned, hugging spencer tighter as spencer suddenly appreciated the sudden pressure he had been missing

"i'm just scared i'll never recover..." he trailed off as emily nodded her head, understanding perfectly

"...you're scared you'll feel like this for the rest of your life?" emily questioned as spencer nodded his head, a sob leaving his throat

"yes and i don't want to, em..." spencer sobbed as emily's tight hug didn't fall away

"...oh spence, you won't feel like this for the rest of your life. i promise, you'll get better. whilst you'll always miss her, it won't stay hurting like it hurts right now. it just takes time but you will heal," emily sighed as she hugged spencer tightly

"how much time, em?" spencer sniffled as his eyes started to droop from exhaustion as emily shook her head

"i don't know, spence. i'm sorry that i don't know. i know you want answers but i can't give you all of them," emily whispered as she moved to let spencer lay on her as she cradled him

"s'fine, em. i'm sorry that i'm like this. i shouldn't be so upset over this..." spencer mumbled as emily shook her head

"...hey, don't do that, spence. you have every right to be grieving over her. you loved her in a way that you'd never experienced before and then she was taken away from you. in a most unfair way as well. because you had to watch it happen and that's not fair, spence!" emily felt tears well in her eyes as she said that as spencer nodded his head

"i tried to save her but i...i couldn't save her. no matter what i tried to do, it just didn't work, em. i tried so hard to save her but it still wasn't enough-"

"-i know spence, i know," emily whispered tearfully as she held him tighter as he let out a low whine

"you tried so hard and it's not fair, spence. and i am so sorry that you couldn't do more for her!" emily whispered as spencer let out another low whimper

"and i know that your last words to her weren't what you would have wanted to say--" just before spencer could interrupt and tell her, emily continued

"--she still knew just how much you loved her, spence. that's why she mentioned thomas merton because she knew just how much you loved her and how much she was loved by you. she knew you had to say those last words to her if it meant it could have potentially saved her life. and i'm unexplainably sorry that it didn't save her life..." emily trailed off, purposefully skirting around saying her name as spencer sniffled

"...maeve was gorgeous em...it was crazy at just how someone like her could be so gorgeous yet so nice and innocent at the same time..." it shocked emily that spencer could even say her name, granted he whispered it

"...i know, spence. i had the privilege of being shown photos of her from penelope. maeve really was the prettiest girl. and i know she would have adored you spence, had she made it out alive that day..." emily worried she said something wrong until spencer nodded his head and smiled what looked like the smallest smile ever

"...i know, em. and that's what i'm trying my hardest to focus on. but then that's when it starts to spiral because i start to think of all the what if's. like, what if i wasn't slow or what if i reacted just that little bit quicker or what if i got to tell her that i loved her..." spencer trailed off as emily nodded her head in understanding

"...what if i got to live the rest of my life with her?" emily added in a whisper as spencer nodded his head as a singular tear streamed down his cheek

"mhm..." spencer mumbled with a sniffle as emily resting her chin on spencer's head

spencer was laying on the couch with his head resting in emily's lap which meant that emily had to very painfully and awkwardly, fold over herself so she could rest her chin on spencer's head. but, finally, managed to find a comfortable way to do it by sort of resting her upper body on the arm of the couch and then push her chin forward and down to rest on spencer's head. with her legs reclined to the side of spencer's.

---

a few days after emily arrived to help spencer, it felt like he was starting to get better. he slowly started to go back to his room to sleep rather then the couch but in the mornings, would always wake up curled up next to emily in the spare room. emily didn't hate it nor did she stop spencer from joining her in the mornings. it was clear it was helping him sleep in his room in the night so, she didn't say a thing. the food sitauation was solved the next day because emily remembered her mental note of needing to go grocery shopping. after telling her what he needed, emily left and returned with four bags filled to the brim of food that would sustain not just him but her as well for however many days she would stay for.

whilst spencer was improving, he still had blankets everywhere, he still had books spread out everywhere because he wasn't ready to take care of that part of his grief just yet. and, emily understood and she didn't try to change it or force him to clean it.

however, that changed when the bau went on a case to san francisco. it was a tough and weird case that involved blood being exsanguinated. which was then used as the medium that the unsub was using to paint his canvases on. at first, the team thought the unsub was drinking the blood but, after help from spencer, it was discovered that it was used for a whole other reason.

that was when emily and even spencer, came to the realisation that it was time for spencer to return back to work and time for emily to go back to london. so, that's what they did. spencer changed out of his pyjamas and into acceptible enough work clothes but still with the hint that he was grieving and with emily, sent her off back to london. and then, spencer took the next commerical flight to san francisco to help his team with the case.

---

this was a little bit sad but, i just had the inspo to write this! i did want to expand a little more but decided not too.

ok ily bye xx

wc; 3695